Nowhere and Back Again Chapter 1 -- Robert F. Hannibad

8/9/2019 Nowhere and Back Again Chapter 1 -- Robert F. Hannibad

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The Lard of theRings:

Nowhere and BackAgain

A Hobbits Tail

By Robert F. Hannibad


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Any similarity between any characters, places, names, beings, weapons, objects,

creatures, substances, occurrences, situations, dates, languages, cultures, histories,

geography, physical appearances, thoughts, ideas, plot points, explanations,descriptions, dialogue, narration, similes, metaphors, numbers, words, phrases,

sentences, paragraphs, chapters, symbols, spacing, footnotes, cover art, book binding,

page texture, headings, titles, subtitles, spellings, grammar, punctuation, illustrations,

page numberings, font sizes, typefaces, etc. in this book, and those found in any book

by J. R. R. Tolkien is purely coincidental.

Really.

Reviews forNowhere and Back Again:

It was pretty good until I got past the title page.

Do not underestimate the power of this farce. -Darth Vapor

I havent laughed so hard since I read War and Peace.

This is the worst book Ive ever read!-winner of the Understatement of the Year

Award

I couldnt put it down. I got this lousy book glued to my fingers.

This book is truly one of a kind. Thank goodness.-New York Time and a Half

I loveNowhere and Back Again. All right, I said it, now gimme the money.


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Chapter 1

In a hole in a ground, there lived a hobbit. This is somewhat redundant, because you cant very

well have a hole in the air, or in the water. Anyway, it was not one half of a hole, or two-thirds of a

hole, it was a whole hole. What kind of hole was it? Well if you would sit still and be quiet, I will

tell you.

It was not a nasty, dirty, wet hole filled with the ends of worms (not to mention the beginnings and

middles of the worms) and an oozy smell*. Neither was it a dry, bare, sandy hole, with nothing to sit

down on or to eat (except sandwiches). It was a hobbit-hole, and that means kumquats**.

Now this hobbit was What is a hobbit? Well, I will tell you if you promise to stop interrupting.

I suppose hobbits do need some explanation these days. People are too busy going to blockbuster

movies like The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, and The Return of the King to notice

hobbits.

Hobbits are rather short and fat, but they prefer to think of themselves as vertically challenged and

circumferentially enhanced. They usually measure between two and a half to three and a half feet

high, except for those who use the metric system. Their waists measure about three and a half to four

feet around, so even when they try to get in shape, the shape is usually a sphere.

Hobbits are fond of food and large meals, and prefer six meals a day, when they can get them. For

this reason alone, the Atkins diet has not become very prevalent among them.

* This is known as a manhole. Why men would choose to live in such a place is beyond me.** Cheap voice-recognition software.


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Hobbits do not grow hair on their faces. They do, however, grow hair on their feet, so it all evens

out in the end. Their feet also have naturally leathery soles, so they do not wear shoes, and their feet

get very dirty*.

Another noticeable aspect about hobbits is their strange and rather unhealthy habit of sticking

burning weeds into one end of a wooden pipe and sucking on the other end and coughing out the

smoke. I hear that nowadays the pipe has been eliminated, and people stick the burning leaves

directly into their mouths. Its comforting to know that our civilization is so much more advanced.

Anyway, few hobbits are recorded as dying of lung cancer, so we must assume that most were able to

kick the hobbit.

Hobbits live in a place that they call the Shire**

. There are no weapons of war in the Shire. Long

before the time of this story, all of their shields were melted down and made into trowels and their

swords were made into spades***.

This story is about a very well to do hobbit. This hobbits name was Elbo Baggins.

I heard on a local radius station that there has been a joint effort to take up arms against me to

change Elbos name to Elbow. Id like to get my hands on the ones who are pointing the finger at me.

Im sorry if I seem to have a chip on my shoulder, but I do not find this at all humerus.

One day, Elbo was sitting on a chair on his porch, with his feet on an ottohobbit, which is a smaller

version of an ottoman. As he sat there, he saw a tall, bearded man, walking by slowly and carefully,

as if he was searching for something or someone.

Good morning, said Elbo.

Bah humbug! said the man.

* The sole in this sentence refers to the bottom of the foot. It is spelled sole, not soul. It does not refer

to the type of fish called sole. Just for the record, though, I have eaten leathery soles on a few

occasions at my local seafood restaurant.** You might say that the Shire is their natural hobbitat.*** This marked the beginning of the period of time known as the age of shovelry.


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Oh. Elbo felt somewhat embarrassed and could not think of anything to say. If you have ever

had your friendly Good morning answered by a rude Bah humbug from a complete stranger, you

may understand how he felt. Then again, maybe you wont.

After a moment of two, the man broke the silence again.

Im sorry, he said, but Im a little put off right now. I have been searching for someone to

share in an adventure Ive been arranging, and yet, I cannot find anyone for the job. Then he

stopped and looked at Elbo for a minute. Then again maybe I have found someone, he muttered

under his breath. Hes not much to look at, but hes better than nothingI hope.

At this point, Elbo began to feel uncomfortable. The strangers incessant staring had made him

feel rather like a new sports car being examined by a potential buyer.

Then the stranger, who shall remain nameless for a few more paragraphs, gave Elbo quite a start

with his next question.

How would you like to accompany me and my associates on our adventure? he said.

This so startled the hobbit, that he began to gasp, cough, sputter, choke, and wheeze.

Gaaakoffkoffkahackhackwheezakoffeeeplbsplblaaaakoffkoffllooeeep! he said.

Im sorry, said the stranger. I didnt quite catch all of that. Would you mind repeating it?

Not at all, said Elbo. Gaaakoffkoffkahackhackwheezakoffeeeplbsplblaaaakoff-koffllooeeep!

he repeated, with considerably more difficulty than the first time.

Thank you, thats much clearer. Was that a yes?

My dear sir! cried Elbo, I just met you half a page ago! We dont even know each others

names!

I do indeed know your name, Mr. Elbo Baggins!

At this, Elbo jumped with surprise. How could you possibly know my name? he inquired.


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I know your name, and many other things, Elbo, he replied, neglecting to mention the fact that

Elbos name was printed very clearly on his mailbox. And you do know mine, or you would if you

ever read your newspaper. I am Randolph, and Randolph means me! said Randolph, for that was

indeed his name.

Randolph means trouble, you mean, muttered the hobbit. Slowly, the full impact of what the

stranger had said began to sink in. Randolph? Randolph! Randolph, the wandering wizard, who

travels through all the lands of Central Earth, having adventures, and telling tales of faraway places

and strange creatures! You mean to say that you are the Randolph the Gray!

Yes, I am, only it is Randolph the Grey, with an e, not with an a.

How can you tell the difference? asked the hobbit.

Why, anyone who is reading the book can tell how it is spelled. So, do you want to join this

adventure?

No! Elbo shouted, quite flustered. We dont want any adventures here! At this he rose from

his seat and moved quickly toward his door, which was round, as round as Elbo himself. Perhaps

you should try over the hill, or across the river, or in the new subdivision to the south. Feel free to

come over for tea any time you would like. How about Tuesday? No, on second though, forget

Tuesday, I have a dentist appointment then. How about Wednesday?

Before the wizard could respond, Elbo opened the door, hopped inside, and slammed it behind

him.

Why in the world did I ask him to tea? he wondered. After waiting a moment, he turned around

and looked through a small peephole in the middle of the door. He was met by the stern, angry face

of the wizard. What is he doing, still standing out there? he thought. And then, a nasty suspicion

began to come over him, and he looked towards the edge of the door. He saw, to his horror, a large

amount of wispy, cotton-like substance extended from the doorframe.


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He yanked the door open, pushed the wizards beard outside, and shouted very quickly, Oh-Im-

so-very-very-sorry-it-was-entirely-an-accident-please-forgive-me-but-I-must-go-now-have-a-nice-

day-goodbye! and shut the door again.

By the next day, Elbo had completely forgotten this entire affair. Elbo was very forgetful about

almost everything except, of course, meals. He could not remember things like this unless he wrote it

down on a Post-it note and left it on the door of his refrigerator.

He didnt even think about Randolph until he was reminded (almost too late), on Wednesday

morning by a ring on the doorbell. He jumped up and rushed to the door.

Its so good of you to come, Randolph, he said as he looked up into the wizards face, but the

wizards face was not there. He slowly looked down and saw a dwarf standing on his doorstep. The

dwarf was not much taller than Elbo, but he had a long bushy beard.

Elbo stared at him for a minute and finally asked, Werent you a lot taller two days ago? The

dwarf gave him a very curious stare and Elbo decided not to pursue the matter.

I am Balin, at your service, said the dwarf.

I am Elbo Baggins, at yours, replied Elbo, as the dwarf stepped inside and began to make

himself at home.

Elbo had no sooner shut the door, than the bell rang again. He opened the door, and there was a

second dwarf standing there.

Dwalin, at your service, he said.

Oh, said the hobbit, somewhat at a loss for words. Behind Dwalin, Elbo saw yet another dwarf

approaching. And what might your name be, he asked. Fallin, Colin, Stalin?

No sir, my name is Pollen, he answered, as Elbo, Balin, and Dwalin each let out a loud sneeze.

Well, said Elbo, do you mind explaining what this is all about?


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One of the dwarves answered, We will explain everything once the whole bunch gets here.

This mention of the whole bunch rather unsettled Elbo. He decided that he needed to rest his

nerves, and sat down on a stool that, he remembered too late, he had sold last week.

As he rose from the floor and dusted himself off, he heard the bell again, making a noise like the

ringing in his ears. He wandered to the door in a daze.

Waiting there were five more dwarves. Is this the residence of Elbo Baggins? one asked.

Uhh, uhhno hablo Englais senors.

Then one of the dwarves shouted from the other room, Come on in, fellows. This is the place.

They stepped in and gave Elbo their names.

Fili.

Kili.

Chili.

Bifur.

Gofur.

Then they all let out a loud sneeze. I see Pollen has already arrived, the one called Chili said

hotly.

Elbo led them into the dining room. Would you like some cakes and tea?

No ice in my tea, please!

If its all the same, Id prefer coffee but only if it is decaf!

Some eggs for me, over easy.

Just a salad! Im on a diet!

Id like some cakes! Low-carb if you have any!


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As he scrambled to fill these orders, he heard a loud rap at his door. He dashed to the door and

yanked it open, and five very startled dwarves fell through the door and landed in a heap on his floor.

Behind the dwarves stood Randolph the Grey.

For a moment, Elbo could not say anything. He felt short of breath, short on manners, sold short,

short-changed, and just plain short with Randolph the Gray towering over him.

Its Randolph the Grey with an e, not with an a! shouted Randolph exasperatedly to the narrator.

Oh, wait a second! Thats me!

Now see here, Randolph. That is no way to talk to your betters. I still retain authors rights in

matters like this. Besides, the editor will take care of typos like that.

But if you mess it up too, that stupid hobbit will get confused, and then hell never get my name

right! he complained.

Would you like some cheese with that whine? asked Elbo, walking up and holding a plate filled

with cheese*.

Randolph scowled at the hobbit and went off into a corner to sulk. The dwarves, who had been

waiting very patiently on Elbos rug, began to get up and introduce themselves.

I am Ori, said one of the dwarves.

I am Dori, said another. Ori and Dori looked so much alike, you would have bet your bottom

dollar (or even your top dollar) that they were twin brothers. But they werent. They were triplets.

I am Nori, said a third dwarf, who, as you may have guessed, was the brother of Dori and Ori.

Then a very fat dwarf entered. I am Sombur,**he said, grinning broadly, which was the only

way he could grin.

You dont look very somber, remarked Elbo.

Boy, does that joke get around, replied Sombur, a trifle annoyed.

* The cheese was, of course, Brie from Bree.** He was so fat that I have to write his lines in boldface type.


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And finally, the last dwarf stepped forward and began to speak.

I am Thorin Brokenshield, My father was Thrain, son of Thror, son of Thrump, son of Thumb,

son of Thyroid, son of Thermodynamics, son of Thigmotropism, son of

He continued like this for some time. He had finished listing his great-uncles, and was beginning

to go into his second cousins when Elbo decided he could take it no longer.

He said, Pardon me for being rude, but your family tree is about as interesting to me as the

nutritional facts on bottled water! Now what are all of you dwarves doing here?

We dont seem to be doing much of anything right now, remarked Dwalin, who was getting

rather bored, for he had not had anything to do since page 6.

We dwarves do not speak well on empty stomachs, said Thorin, and so we will explain this

whole matter after dinner.

But you havent even finished lunch! exclaimed Elbo, looking over the many dirty dishes.

Randolph, at the mention of food, decided that he had been sulking long enough and came into the

parlor where all the others were seated. Now, now, he said, be a good hobbit and clean up the

dishes while we set the table.

Elbo brought the dishes into the kitchen a few at a time, put them on the counter, and then stared at

them glumly. His dishwasher had been on the fritz for several weeks, and so he had to wash the

dishes by hand. By himself, this was no great problem, but washing the dishes for one hobbit, one

wizard, and thirteen dwarves was another matter indeed. He was just contemplating the possibility of

sneaking out the back door and hiding at his neighbors hole until Randolph and the dwarves left

when all of the dwarves came in to help.

This made Elbo feel a bit uncomfortable for, while he didnt care to do the dishes himself, he

didnt much fancy all of these strangers cleaning his fine china and cutlery either.


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His fears were well grounded. They came in, and began to manhandle, or rather dwarfhandle, all

of his dishes! Balin chipped the glasses, Dwalin cracked the plates, Pollen blunted the knives, Fili

bent the forks, Kili smashed the bottles, Chili burned the corks, Bifur cut the cloth, Gofur tread on the

fat, Dori poured the milk on the pantry floor, Nori left the bones on the bedroom mat, Ori splashed the

wine on every door, Sombur dumped the crocks in a boiling bowl, while Thorin pounded them up

with a thumping pole, and Randolph took the rest, the ones that were whole, and sent them down the

hall to roll, and they all generally did everything that Elbo Baggins hates, and no one was careful

with the plates.

After this occasion, Elbo found it much easier to wash his dishes, mainly because he no longer had

any.

While Elbo was drying off his spoons, which were about all he had left, the dwarves and Randolph

went into his living room. As he stood there in his kitchen, his hands in the sudsy water, seeking out

the last spoon, the dwarves began to sing a slow melancholy song.

The song told of distant lands and mythical beasts; it told of fearful dragons and amazing hoards of

gold; it told of beautiful works of craftsmanship and horrible desolation. The song also told Elbo

something else: dwarves are extremely bad singers.

And yet, as he listened further, he forgot about the dwarves, about Randolph, about his hobbit-

hole, about everything. He wanted to go and climb great mountains, and explore deep caves, and

carry a sword instead of a walking stick. But as the music continued to flow through his mind, a

curious thought occurred to him. Where was the music coming from? If this were a movie, the music

would be coming from the orchestra, undoubtedly hiding in his bathroom, or in one of his closets.

But this was a book, not a movie. Struck by curiosity, he walked quietly into the room.

There, he saw the dwarves playing on instruments. This explained the music, but it raised another

question. Where did the instruments come from? As he watched longer, he discovered the answer.


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One of the dwarves, Fili I think it was, though it might have been Kili or Chili, reached deep into his

bushy beard, and withdrew from it a small golden flute and began to play on it, pausing occasionally

to pluck whiskers from out of the mouthpiece. He saw now that they all had very small instruments:

flutes, piccolos, harmonicas, and a kazoo, all small enough to fit into their beards. Randolph the

Gray, I mean Grey, was playing a violin, but then, I guess his beard was big enough for it.

The music played on and on, and Elbo began to feel drowsier and drowsier, until finally he fell

asleep. This was unfortunate, because he snored. He snored very loudly, loud enough to wake the

dead, which was not altogether impossible in those days. He awoke with a start, to see 28 eyes

looking at him in the dim light. Well, he said, quite sheepishly, oughtnt we to get down to

business?

Yes, indeed! said Thorin. The story begins long ago, in the time of my grandfather. Our

family was driven out of our home by goblins, trolls, and IRS agents. We moved to the mountain.

Pardon me, interrupted Elbo, But what mountain would that be?

The mountain on the map. Now, this mountain

Excuse me again, but what map are you talking about?

Why, the map with the mountain on it, of course, said Thorin, irritably.

But there is no map, pointed out Elbo.

Huh, whatoops, I must have forgotten to take it out. Thorin pulled off his pack and began

rummaging through it.

Hmm, where is itno, no, thats not it Is that it? No thats my Readers Digest Heres a

half-dozen granola bars Here it is! No, wait, thats a letter from my mother Oh, never mind!

And with that, he pulled out a blank piece of paper and a pencil.

I will draw a new map of the mountain! he declared.

In the middle of this piece of paper he drew two diagonal lines like this: /\


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This is the mountain, he stated. And then, to reinforce this statement, he wrote underneath it, in

large, bold letters: MOUNTAIN.

Elbo looked at the map, which, when Thorin had finished, looked exactly like this:

Elbo was a very artistic hobbit, and could not resist adding some detail to the map. He put snow

on the top of the mountain, and then added the sun and some clouds. When he was done it looked

like this:

Then, he decided that the picture needed something else, so he added a mountain goat and two

skiers. When he was finished, it looked like this:


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While Elbo sat and detailed the map, Randolph the Gray was thinking.

Its Randolph the Grey, he muttered.

Would you please stop harping on that! Anyway, Randolph the GREY, was thinking.

Thats better.

After a moment, he realized what he had been trying to remember. He said to Thorin, Oh,

Thorin, I borrowed the map to make some photocopies. Here it is. He handed Thorin the original

map. Thorin looked it over for a moment, and then took the makeshift map from Elbos hands.

When he was done it looked like this:

Thorin took the original map and laid it out on the table. This map was so complicated that I could

never hope to reproduce it with MS Art, so I will not even try.

Now, Thorin said, to get back to my story, we moved to this mountain on the map. We lived

there for over 60 happy years. I dont remember how many unhappy ones we lived there for. We


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delved deep into the earth, and found great veins of gold, and treasure, and valuable gems; and we

made wonders of beauty, the like of which have never been seen again. But then, as we added to our

immense treasure-trove, the horrible Smog came.

What? asked Elbo, You lived in Los Angeles.

Thorin looked at Elbo queerly. The horrible dragon Smog, the terror of the land, entered the

great halls of the mountain, killing all the dwarves who remained inside. These dwarves you see here

were playing volleyball outside, and so they escaped Smogs wrath.

Then, to my astonishment, my father and grandfather who had been inside the mountain appeared

from the side of the mountain. They had singed beards, but aside from that they were unharmed. I

found out later that their whiskers were singed, not because of Smog, but because they were trying to

barbecue some wieners, and their beards got stuck in the grill.

I never found out exactly how they escaped the mountain alive, but I believe they must have had

a secret backdoor, which only they knew about. However, there must have been a key that unlocked

this door, and it must surely be lost forever.

Nay! interrupted Randolph, sounding like a horse, The key was not lost!

How do you know that? inquired Thorin.

Randolph began to act rather smug about his secret. You remember, Thorin, how your father

went again to the mountain to try his luck with the map? Well, he never even got close. How he got

there, I dont know, but I found him in the dungeons of the Necco-mancer! All of the dwarves, and

even Elbo gasped when he said this. After the gasping had subsided somewhat, Randolph continued.

He gave me the map and this key to give to you. And as he finished, he withdrew from his pocket a

small golden key and handed it to Thorin.

Thorin looked at the key silently, thoughts of the mountain, the gold therein, the fierce dragon, and

of his father, running through his mind.


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Whoops, wait a second, thats the wrong key! said Randolph. That key unlocks the backdoor

to my house, not the backdoor of the mountain. Then he brought out a small key-chain and started

thumbing through the keys, finally withdrawing the correct key.

Thorin was mildly irritated at having his thoughts interrupted by the wizard, but he soon got over it

and returned to his musings.

At this point, Elbo spoke up. This story is all veryyaaawn very interesting, but what does it

have to do with me?

Why, there are only thirteen of us dwarves, and we need you to even us out.

What! You dont mean to say that youre all triskadekaphobic!

No, were just afraid of the number thirteen, said Thorin.

Besides, said Bifur, you are to be the burglar.

Burglar?!

You can sayIndiscreet property transporterif you prefer, said Randolph. Elbo was not at all

sure that he did.

But I dont know the first thing about being a burglar! he argued.

You will learn, said the wizard, and he handed Elbo a yellow and black book. Elbo read the

title.

Burgling for Dummies.

Read that, said Randolph, and youll soon know enough to get by.

Elbo wandered, dazed, into the kitchen, and sat down in the sink. He did not intend to sit in the

sink, but he was in a very confused state; an even more confused state than Florida. He rushed to his

room to put on some dry clothes. As he was returning, he heard the dwarves arguing in the other

room.

But there are only thirteen of us. We need him to make it an even fourteen.


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But fourteen is thirteen plus thirteen-thirteenths, which must be at least three times as bad!

Well, fourteen is also two times lucky seven, and its also seven times seven-sevenths, plus seven,

so that cancels out the bad luck.

Enough about luck. I want to know if the fellow has any guts. Fourteen is all well and good, but

he looks about as courageous as a milkmaid. And as far as brains are concerned, Id say he has the IQ

of a rutabaga.

Well, this was the last straw for Elbo, and he stormed into the room. He wished he could tell who

had said this last comment, but he could not yet distinguish the dwarves by the voices alone, or even

by their faces. He was pretty sure that either Bifur or Gofur that said it, so he gave them both what he

hoped looked like a menacing glare. However, he had not had much experience in glaring

menacingly, so he ended up looking more like he was sick to his stomach.

Pardon me if I have overheard words that you were saying, or words that you werent saying. I

wont pretend to understand what you are talking about, or your reference to burglars. In fact, I must

say that I dont care a fig, or even a raisin about your troubles.

And I think I am right in believing that you think Im no good. I will show you. I am quite sure

you have come to the wrong house. But treat it as the right one. I will join your expedition.

Oh brother, Baggins, he thought to himself, what in Central Earth have you done now. Ive

really put my foot in my mouth this time. Now Ill have to pick the hair out of my teeth. Well, I

guess theres nothing to do but go along with it.

Excuse me, said Randolph, but you mumbled so much, I couldnt understand a word you just

said.

Me either.

Or me.

Speak up a bit!


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So, asked Thorin finally, What exactly did you say?

Oh, nothing, answered Elbo, much relieved. Nothing at all.

Well, Randolph said at length, (or perhaps it was at height, since he was so tall) it would seem

that the only fair thing to do is to put the matter to a vote. All those in favor of Elbo coming with us,

say aye.

Aye! rang out fourteen voices.

Now, if you are negatively contrary to the opposite of the reverse of being conversely against

Elbos not coming, say nay.

Huh? asked Elbo.

Well, its unanimous. The ayes have it. Well leave tomorrow, said Randolph, rising from his

chair.

Wait a minute! Elbo screamed. I didnt even get a chance to vote!

Oh, very well, if youre going to be stubborn, well vote again. All in favor say aye. Once more,

fourteen ayes were heard.

All those opposed?

Nay? said Elbo hopefully.

Fourteen to one, the majority rules!

Hold on, Elbo said, This still isnt fair. Everyone is against me, and Im the one that this

decision affects.

What would you suggest, then? asked a dwarf.

Elbo was at a loss for words, and not for the first time that night. He nervously put his hands in his

pockets, and touched a quarter.

Why dont we flip for it? he suggested, for lack of a better plan.

Good idea, said Thorin. Heads we win, tails you lose.


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Sure, that sounds good Hey! None of that!

Oh, whatever. You call it.

Heads.

The quarter was flung into the air, and slowly descended towards the table below. For Elbo, the

seconds passed by like hours, as the coin dropped slowly, down, down, dooooooown

Eventually, Elbo grew tired of waiting, and went into the kitchen to make himself a sandwich and

a cup of coffee.

He munched on the sandwich until his coffee was hot, and then poured himself a mug. Elbo added

two lumps of sugar to his coffee. He had always done this, for as long as he could remember.

Always exactly two: never one, never three, and never without sugar.

Elbo was very set in all of his ways. For instance, after brushing his teeth, he always gargled with

mouthwash for exactly thirty-seven seconds before going to bed*.

He sipped his coffee slowly, and contemplated the events of the evening. Finally, he downed the

rest of the mug, and walked into the other room to see what progress had been made.

The coin was about two inches closer to the table than when he had last checked. Most of the

dwarves were quietly dozing, or had moved on to other things. The remains of a package of D. W. A.

R. Fudge cookies lay on the table. Only Thorin and Randolph remained watching at the table and

even they had begun to take shifts.

Then the quarter hit the table, with a clink that shook the room. The sleeping dwarves awoke

with a start, and moved quickly towards the kitchen table. They all sat there motionless, not daring to

breathe. Its a wonder that they didnt all suffocate.

The quarter was spinning on its edge, slowly revolving around and around. And then, it began to

tilt! As it tilted, it seemed to pick up speed, spinning, tilting, and jingling, until it rattled to a halt.

They all stared at it silently. And then, Elbo spoke.

* This is not at all unusual. After all, Elbo was a creature-of-hobbit.


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How about best two out of three?

We cant, answered Sombur, as you could probably tell, If we did that, wed be here all

night!

Youre coming with us, Baggins, and theres nothing you can do about it, said Thorin. As he said

this, he picked up the quarter.

Hey! exclaimed Elbo.

Oh, Im sorry, was this yours?

Yes.

Well, thanks for the donation. And thus saying, he dropped the coin into his pocket. This upset

Elbo for, while he was no football fan, he still wanted his quarter back.

We must leave tomorrow morning, said Randolph. You had best get some shut-eye, Elbo.

Tomorrow! I havent had a chance to pack! Why not the day after tomorrow?

We cant leave then, answered Kili.

Why not?

Because thats Friday the 13th.

Oh, brother, muttered Elbo under his breath.

Until tomorrow then, said Thorin. And they all left the house, and walked off into the darkness.

After staring out the door for a few minutes with a glazed expression on his face, and a glazed

feeling in his mind, Elbo walked up to his bathroom. He brushed his teeth, gargled with mouthwash

for exactly thirty-seven seconds, practiced some menacing glares, admitted to himself that they

werent very good, and finally trundled, quite exhausted, off to bed.

He plopped on his bed and pulled out the bookBurgling for Dummies and began reading. First,

he read all of the Rich Tennant cartoons, and then began Chapter 1:How To Steal a Pocket-Watch

Without Doing Time. He read only a few pages before he fell into a fitful sleep.


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Nowhere and Back Again Chapter 1 -- Robert F. Hannibad

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