StarpoleBREAKING WIND!

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OctoMayor Heidi Hatches Plan:A Younger Commish

Oh My GOth! Mills ditches dorky for darkness

Six-Pack Your Way ToAn Awesome Six-Pack!

Learn Ort's Miracle Diet!

William Orten Carlton = Sexy!

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Oops... He Did It Again!

Of Montreal’s Kevin BarnesExposes His Sunlandic Twins

2 Starpole April 1, 2009

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WhoROCKED IT

Best?H

The battle ofClassic Cityfashionistas

No Where Bar Frat Guy

Rebekah Rogers

Lambda Alpha Mu Epsilon Delta Upsilon Mu Beta

SJ Ursrey Melissa Colbert

Georgia Theatre Frat Guy Barcode Frat GuyYou can’t throw back an icy Bud without the proper uniform: khaki pants, polo shirt and baseball hat.

Although Georgia Theatre guy has double the team spirit, No Where Bar wins bonus douche points with his neon cap.

Rebekah looks like a goddess in this stunning psychedelic poncho.SJ goes too hippie with her feather earrings, while Melissa’s small frame is simply buried in all that fabric.

Rocked It!

Rocked It!

Rocked It!

Rocked It!

Rocked It!

Rocked It!

Mu Alpha Nu These girls are ready to party, study or work out in this classic UGA ensemble.

L.A.M.E. rocks the look with her sexy sunglasses, but M.A.N. gets our vote with his matching leather bag.

3April 1, 2009 Starpole

IN THE NEWS… In an attempt to control feral tiger populations in Athens, a highly controversial trap-neuter-release program has been initiated in a joint effort between the Humane Society and the RIAA. The Twin Tigers and the Spring Tigers were the first colonies to be targeted. Feral tigers are a growing national concern in the music industry, with groups like Miniature Tigers (Phoenix), Republic Tigers (Kansas City) and countless others populating residential areas and endangering local bird populations. Many of these groups, including Twin Tigers (seen above, caged) were captured during their annual migration to Austin and then released back at home after being altered. While tiger rights advocates insist irresponsible indie-label ownership is to blame for the rise in feral tigers, PETA continues to insist that euthanasia is the only effective, humane route to tiger population control.

Pub NotesStar Power!

Okay, so, like, maybe we overreacted when we heard that the giant, national chain newspaper up the street was coming out with not one but two new “products.” An entertainment rag and a fashion sheet. This is a competitive business,

so what else are we going to do but compete? But how do you go head-to-head with two well-financed new publications coming at

you from the same place in the same week with cut-throat copy and cut-rate ads?

Like I say, maybe we overreacted, but what we did was combine the two approaches in one

and re-brand Flagpole as a celebrity ‘zine about fun and style, now to be known as Starpole! Staple

your eyes to these pages; there’s no need to look anywhere else to find out everything about everybody

who is anything! Starpole is your chart to what’s cute and what’s cool! You can just forget about all those long, boring articles on City Hall and stormwater drainage. Starpole knows that what you really want to see is what the hot people are doing with the cool people! That’s what you’ll find here in our new format! The oughts are over, y’all! Bring on the teens, and read about them even before they happen! Just grab a copy of Starpole every week and live on the cutting edge of glitz and glamor! Know what the local celebs are doing even before they know themselves! Starpole is the diary of your inner star! Starpole is all you need to know about all the people you want to know all about! That’s about all! Enjoy!

Pete McCommonseditor@starpole.com

Twin TigersTRAPPED! NEUTERED!

Doc EldridgeBIO-TERROR TABFriends say the Chamber of Commerce President has been drowninghis sorrows in Tab since the bio-terror lab got away from Athens.

Kelly GirtzPLUCKED!ACC Commissioner Kelly Girtz busted for raising illegal fowl: “You’ll have to pry this chicken from my cold, dead hands.”

DJ Cut-A-RugFREAK OF THE WEEKLet’s hope the carpet doesn’t match THOSE curtains!

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4 Starpole April 1, 2009

“If nobody else is getting crazy in this bitch, then

I will,” DJ Mahogany exclaims, and the audience

at Little Kings heads for the exit. They thought

they were attending a woodworking seminar.

INSTRUMENTAL FEUD SHOCKER!

Coley from Maserati is seen here venting about the rise of post-rock instrumental band A. Armada to wife Misty. Sources say he is enraged, calling them “poseurs” who are “totally trying to steal our sound.”

Party-goers at the Caledonia say a potentially intoxicated Misty approached Matt from A. Armada and told him to “back off” or “get a singer.”

The following night Matt approached Misty trying to defend his band, and was swiftly punched in the face. Seen here shortly after impact.

KA-POW!

ATHENS Stars Exposed

¡Ay, caramba! Ex-editor, freelancer, DJ, dance king Chris Hassiotis is just back from Argentina, where he made a fortune in Argentine pesos trafficking in Athens indie rock bootlegs.

Local poet Jeff Fallis announced his retirement from writing and his new aspirations as a rap artist. A film crew has been following Jeff as he makes the transition.

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See if you can spot the Venice Is Sinking member who started sporting a wig when he was told that the quality of his drumming has receded as fast as his hairline.

Kurt Wood… and he did! To ensure he has the rarest finds, DJ Kurt has started to press his own limited runs of vinyl.

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FRIDAy NIgHT 12:34 a.m. FRIDAy NIgHT 2:34 a.m. SATURDAy NIgHT 1:23 a.m.

5April 1, 2009 Starpole

The O’Looney Lookfor less!

Always on the cutting edge, former mayor Gwen O’Looney was spotted wearing the trends of tomorrow. This spring is all about gold, gold, gold! Starpole will help you get the glittery look without breaking the bank.

1. Pants: Dynamite, $18 The rule of thumb for this sea-son is the tighter and brighter the better! This pair of leggings is adorned with elegant gold zipper detailing.2. Sweater: Dynamite, $26 Sequins compliment the shim-mer of the spandex perfectly.3. Jewelry: Streets of New Orleans after Mardis Gras, FREE! Why hoard all your jewelry in a dusty drawer? Wear it all at once for maximum star power.4. Shoes: Target, $12 There’s no need to clutter your look. Pair your sparkles with a set of basic black flats.

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Skinny Townies

REVEALED!H

The usually slinky Sanni hides behind her skin-tight pants, but we caught her letting it all hang out during spring break!

Looks Like Timi, of Kite to the Moon, has been eating all those pancakes

meant for his “baby!”

After spending time in Peru learning midwifery, Claire Campbell seems to have put on some sympathy weight!