OFL Blood Blotter Issue32

8/9/2019 OFL Blood Blotter Issue32

1/17

1 Jasfoz Chaos 1 OPHare Chaos 1 Orabbi Chaos

2 Timdog Chaos 2 Slam C Pact 2 Kal Durak Chaos

3 Wildfire Nurgle 3 Thul Chaos 3 Lazarus Chaos

4 Gym-Bo Chaos 4 Blitz Chaos 4 Michaels Nurgle

5 Jako Orc 5 Astro Orc 5 ScottishDunc Chaos

6 Terry Orc 6 GK C Pact 6 Gym-Bo Lizard

7 Sunhawk Amazon 7 Cullen C Pact 7 Cullen Lizard

8 Damek Nurgle 8 Wraith Orc 8 Ken C Pact

9 Jackal Human 9 Wildfire Lizard 9 Jako Orc

10 Cullen C Dwarf 10 Darken Lizard 10 Darken Orc

11 Elessar High Elf 11 Hammer Orc 11 Sabonnel Nurgle

12 Belasco Dark Elf 12 Mardaed High Elf 12 Toast Orc

13 Thul C Dwarf 13 Sabonnel Nurgle 13 Papadragon Nurgle

14 Slam Orc 14 Lazarus Nurgle 14 BSU Lizard

15 Malchodon Dark Elf 15 Terry Nurgle 15 Thul Circus

16 Kal Durak Necro 16 Squall Skaven 16 Larkstar Circus

17 Nimrokon C Dwarf 17 Trickice Lizard 17 Squall Necro

18 Papadragon Nurgle 18 BSU C Dwarf 18 Wildfire Dark Elf

19 BSU Dwarf 19 Norse Khemri 19 Terry Norse

20 Lazarus High Elf 20 Damek Amazon 20 Trickice C Dwarf

21 Khazar Amazon 21 Timdog C Dwarf 21 Astro Necro

22 Killabruh Necro 22 Jako Circus 22 CharlieBanks C Pact

23 Blitz Necro 23 Toast Skaven 23 Slam C Pact

24 Grunkzzz Lizard 24 Pdarby Necro 24 Ging Circus

25 GK Khemri 25 Belasco Wood Elf 25 Zulu High Elf

26 Astro Lizard 26 Bob Dwarf 26 Bob Necro

27 Sleazy Pro Elf 27 Jasfoz Necro 27 Belasco Undead

28 Bob Skaven 28 Orabbi C Dwarf 28 Lawquoter Skaven

29 Tri cki ce Undead 29 Ni mrokon Wood El f 29 Damek Dark El f

30 Darken Lizard 30 Rauni Dark Elf 30 20Phoenix Nurgle

31 Voltron High Elf 31 Voltron Amazon 31 Hammer C Pact

32 Derfuchs Dark El f 32 Papadragon Dwarf 32 Dreamy Wood El f

33 Sunhawk Dark Elf 33 Itchen Orc

34 Viajero Pro Elf 34 Rauni Dark Elf

35 Gym-Bo Hal fl ing 35 OPHare C Dwarf

36 Elessar Unde rworld 36 Pdarby C Dwarf

37 Mi chael s Undead 37 Danton Skaven

38 Ki ll abruh Skaven 38 Mardae d High El f

39 Jackal Human 39 Norse Norse40 Bloodedcat Undead 40 Sunhawk Undead

1 Ne tsmurf Skaven 41 Tscrabble Ci rcus

2 Bantha C Dwarf 42 GK Undead

3 Crimsonsun Nurgle 43 Dode Lizard

4 Zulu Khemri 44 Thsin Pro Elf

5 Fastshark High Elf 45 Gusya Khorne

6 Everblue C Pact 46 Timdog Norse

7 Gi ngerel la Gobl in 47 Jouni si i Pro El f

8 Gusya C Pact 48 Remthar Vampire

9 Barmution Nurgle 49 Jasfoz Ogre

10 Dreamy Wood Elf 50 Jackal Human

11 Scotti shDunc Chaos 51 Matts Dark El f

12 Charl ieBanks Ci rcus 52 Bl itz Human

13 Matts Dark Elf 53 Voltron Dwarf

14 Dode Pro Elf 54 Barmution C Dwarf

15 20Phoeni x Amazon 55 RTSD Hal fl ing

16 RTSD Lizard 56 Dahamuran Khemri

ERA 5ERA 3 ERA 4

HELL VIPER:Now that the dust has settled, its time to take a

look back at the Era 5 Race Draft.

TOAD McSLAY:With all 56 coaches involved this time, and with

the additional Scout resources, it was crazy and exciting.VIPER:Like that emo chick I dated in college! Except The Draft

didnt end with my car being lit on fire and my penis super glued

to my leg.

McSLAY:At least it wasnt the other way around. Lets run down

the highlights.

VIPER:Well, we opened up with one of the biggest shockers of

the draft, when Orabbi sold off everything to move up to #1.

McSLAY:That was followed by the least shocking move of the

draft when he used that pick on Chaos.

VIPER:Never would have happened if he didnt have an LFC

coach to trade with.

McSLAY:Agreed. Its easy to make that trade when you donthave to face the consequences.

VIPER:My super-secret sources are telling me that league

officials are considering a schedule change for season 15. Orabbi

would play all sixteen teams in the LFC as a big fat thank you for

giving him the top pick.

McSLAY:There was some jockeying for position, but no real

surprises in the top ten.

VIPER:No. Era 3, we saw Amazons and Humans taken in the top

ten. And then in Era 4 we had the whole Chaos Pact mess.

McSLAY:Chaos Pact and Chaos Dwarf were the big sliders this

time.

VIPER:I nearly lost my shit last Era when Pact was closed out at#7.

McSLAY:The first Pact team wasnt picked until #8. Then they sat

there until 22-23 when Charlie and Slam took them. And

Hammer locked them out all the way down at 31.

VIPER:Thats closer to where they belong. Its nice to see people

placing proper value on teams. Nice job.

McSLAY:Chaos Dwarfs were still available to the AFC/WFC at 36,

and Barmution grabbed the final spot at 54!

VIPER:They seem to slip a little bit further each draft. I cant

explain it.

McSLAY:How about some of the surprises?


2/17

VIPER:I dont think anyone would have

predicted three Norse, three Undead, and

four Circus franchises.

McSLAY:What about Pro Elves being

closed out in the LFC?

VIPER:Thetll get whats coming to them.

But, yeah, theres a nice mix of races.

Especially in the LFC. Its nice to see

Khorne, Ogres, Halflings, and Vampires all

represented.

McSLAY:Im super excited for the return

of the blood suckers!

VIPER:Its a bit disappointing that there

are no Amazon teams. And the only Wood

Elf team resides in the LFC. The AFC/WFC

ignored them, just like in Era 3.

McSLAY:There were a ton of trades. Only

17 coaches stayed in their original draft

position.

VIPER:Only five LFC coaches moved up

from their original positions.

McSLAY:They do tend to gravitate towardthe agile, and less popular teams.

VIPER:Nearly half of the LFC teams are

Tier 4+ on the new and improved Bash

Index. Their top three selections were

Chaos, Chaos Pact, and more Chaos Pact.

McSLAY:The LFC coaches caught on fast.

They knew where they needed to be. I

think they all ended up getting what they

wanted. Who do you think made the best

move?

VIPER:You know, anytime youre able to

get the race you really want, it can beconsidered a good trade. Larkstar made

the biggest move, jumping 36 spots to get

Circus. Do I think thats crazy? Absolutely.

Bat shit crazy. But, he got what he wanted

out of the deal.

McSLAY:So Circus has taken Pacts place

as the target of your disdain this time?

VIPER:Not quite to the same level. For

some reason Circus was hot in this Draft,

despite their poor record in the league.

But at least they didnt go in the top 10. I

just think were going to see some buyersremorse with this race.

McSLAY:Back to tradesI loved the BSU

trade, leaping 18 spots to grab the last

AFC/WFC Lizard team.

VIPER:And screwing Wildfire, who traded

out of the 11 spot, and ended up missing

out on his top choices.

McSLAY:Yes! Screwing other coaches is

what the draft is all about!

VIPER:Speaking of screwing other

coaches, CharlieBanks made an excellent

trade to steal the LFCs final Pact team.

Second biggest move of the draft, going

up 28 spots. Good value pick at 22.

McSLAY:And since that left only two Pact

spots for the AFC/WFC, it forced Slam to

make a move to bring back The Cereal

Killers.

VIPER:Itsinteresting when one move

triggers another. Squall moved 25 spots to

get Necro, which forced Astro into panic-

mode, making a similar move to insure he

got a Necro team.

McSLAY:Not all good trades involve

moving up. Mardaed was able to drop

down, collect assets, and still get the race

he wanted.

VIPER:Yeah, anyone can trade down 20+

spots if they want Pro Elves or Humans,

but that took balls. I wasnt sure High

Elves would be available at 38. Turns outhe got the only High Elf team in the

AFC/WFC.

McSLAY:And What about Timdog? Im

sure there were some tense moments

after the second Norse team was selected

7 spots in front of him, but it all worked

out. Thats playing the Draft to perfection.

VIPER:There are 24 returning franchises.

One of us had 2 of those teams in his top

5 when we did our Draft Preview. Was

that you or me?

McSLAY:You got lucky.

VIPER: Luck? Luck had nothing to do with

it, son. Face it, Im smarter than you. You

will always be the John Oates to my Daryl

Hall.

McSLAY:What is that supposed to mean?

VIPER:It means you suck!

McSLAY:How can that possibly mean I

suck? John Oates has the second best

mustache of all-time, behind only Tom

Selleck.

VIPER:I hate to break it to you, but Tom

Selleck sucks too.

McSLAY:There are seven teams being

pulled out of retirement: Snap, Crackle,

and Pop!, Da Pumpkin Patch, Contagious,

Molten Agony, Fjord Mustangs, Frozen

Tallywackers, and UFC Football. Which

one are you most excited about, Hell?

VIPER:Two teams, actually. UFC Football,

and Snap, Crackle, and Pop! Its great to

see teams from Era 1 making a comeback.

McSLAY:Well, I guess mine could

technically be considered an Era 1 team

too. Im looking forward to seeing Da

Pumpkin Patch back on the pitch. Trik

needs 18 Casualties to take over the

career lead. Thats exactly what he

averages per season. Im rooting for him!

VIPER:I dont see him living long enough

to get there. Hell be dead by week 7.McSLAY:You want to make a bet on that?

VIPER:Sure. Hundred bucks?

McSLAY:Hundred bucks? I can make that

much money in five seconds. Lets make it

interesting. If I win, you have to shave off

your stupid fucking hair.

VIPER:Fine. And if I win, I get to swaffle

you.

McSLAY:Whatever.

VIPER:In front of your grandma.

McSLAY:Great.

VIPER:At Thanksgiving dinner.McSLAY:Perfect.

VIPER:And post the video on Youtube.

McSLAY:Well, its gonna be a great big

video of nothing, because Im not losing

this bet.

VIPER:Yes you are.

McSLAY:Im taking your hair, Viper. Im

taking your stupid hair, and Im going to

use it to make a toupee for that weird

bald spot on my dogs ass.

VIPER:Your dog has a pet donkey?

McSLAY:Idiot.VIPER:Well, thats all we have time for.

Well be back to analyze the next draft.

Until then, dont forget to follow my hair

on Twitter.

McSLAY:Yeah, follow his hair while he stil

has it.

VIPER:You can keep track of McSlay by

going down to WAAAGHMart where you

can watch him bag groceries and mop the

restroom.


3/17

The Old World Football League. Its a fact, its the greatest Blood Bowl league modeled after the NFL using Cyanides version of the game, in the

history of the world.

The OFL is about to enter its 13th

season. 120+ coaches have played in the league for varying amounts of time. Many have been around for several

seasons. Others have failed to make it through a single season. One coach dropped out in week 1 of the first season without ever playing a game.

Another quit during the Era 4 race draft.

Only seven coaches have been playing uninterrupted since day one. Thats 12 straight seasons - 193 regular season matches (season 1 was 17

games) of double skulls, critical fails, and dead/dead apothecaries. We have come up with an incredibly clever name for these gluttons for Nuffles

punishment.

From this point forward they shall be known as

Pure fucking genius.

Here they are in no particular order, along with their regular season records

a royal pain in the ass. Slam

Bob has been one of the most consistent coaches in the league,

making the playoffs in 10 out of 12 seasons, including a streak of

9 straight seasons (Season 2 - 10).

After an awful first season, he led the Green Hellz to 2 division

titles.

His Lizardmen made the playoffs in all three seasons - a division

title and 2 wildcards. They made a nice playoff run in Season 4,

losing to the eventual champs, Asuryan Globetrotters.

The Freaks From Space were his most successful team. They are

the #1 ranked Skaven team of all-time. They lost in the Season 7

AFC Championship game, and won the Season 8 championship

in a thrilling game with The Terrors of Tarantino.

For Era 4, he brought a mediocre Dwarf team from Season 1, The Stout Lagerhead Allstars, out of retirement, and took them to the title game. He

has taken these bearded, beer guzzlers from obscurity to the top of the Dwarf ranks.

Hell be bringing a Necromantic team, Hollywood Undead into Era 5.

W T L

Green Hellz 4 4 9 0.353



ERA 1 22 8 19 0.531

Godzillas 8 5 3 0.656



ERA 2 22 15 11 0.615

Freaks From Space 9 2 5 0.625



ERA 3 25 10 13 0.625

Stout Lagerhead Allstars 8 3 5 0.594

Stout Lagerhead Allstars 4 7 5 0.469

Stout Lagerhead Allstars 9 3 4 0.656ERA 4 21 13 14 0.573

Total 90 46 57 0.585


4/17

I remember way back in season 2 when I was considered one

of the good coaches. Jako

Jako was indeed dominant in Season 2, after dumping Chaos,

and switching to what would become his favorite team, DaPumpkin Patch. Season 3 not so much.

He moved on to Khemri for Era 2. He came up just short of the

playoffs twice with Shuguo Jiangshionce missing out on tie-

breakers.

Da Pumpkin Patch returned in Era 3, along with the legendary

Blitzer, Trik. Trik is one of the most feared players in OFL

history. He ranks 6th

in career violence, and has amassed more

star player points (303) than any other player.

His 5 season record with Da Pumpkin Patch is 32-14-34.

Jako would like to forget Era 4 ever happened. He experimented with a couple of new racesCircus (Slann) and Khorne.

We look forward to better things as he returns to his comfort zone bringing back Trik and Da Pumpkin Patch for Era 5.

Wildfires career as a male dancer is very taxing, and keeps him

away from the internet all day. - Orabbi

Wildfire has only played two races in the OFLLizardmen and

Nurgle.

The Hurricanes made a trip to the WFC Championship game in

Season 3.

Stench of De Feet played stifling defense. They finished off Era 2

with a championship in Season 6. Wildfire brought them back

for another run in Era 4, but they never quite managed to

recapture their former glory.

Wildfire put up a .621 Win % with Nurgle, including 3 playoff

appearances. They also won The Iron Curtain award twice

(Seasons 5 & 8).

He returned to Lizards in Era 4, but after a strong start, the Lizards faded in the final 2 seasons of the Era. Overall, The Hurricanes were pretty damn

good though, managing a .552 Win %, and 2 division titles.

Wild is finally going to try something new in the upcoming Era. He has released The Hurricanes, and will be coaching a brand new Dark Elf team

with the Nuffle-taunting initials GFI.

W T L

Hexoatl Hurricanes 8 2 7 0.529



ERA 1 21 7 21 0.500

Stench of De Feet 6 4 6 0.500



ERA 2 29 9 9 0.713




ERA 3 21 9 18 0.531




ERA 4 24 9 15 0.594

Total 95 34 63 0.583

W T L

Armageddons Outriders 4 3 10 0.324

Da Pumpkin Patch 9 3 4 0.656


ERA 1 17 9 23 0.439

Shuguo Jiangshi 6 6 4 0.563



ERA 2 16 12 20 0.458




ERA 3 19 8 21 0.479

Snotbloods Tastytreats 2 5 9 0.281

The Skulltakers 2 4 10 0.250

The Skulltakers 3 3 10 0.281

ERA 4 7 12 29 0.271

Total 59 41 93 0.412


5/17

Lazarus will do what he normally does put my head up my ass

and make me run around like that for 16 turns. - Slam

With a .698 Win %, Laz is undeniably the best of The Original 7.

Perhaps the most impressive thing about his record, is that hes

not a one trick pony. He has played a variety of teamsHuman,

Chaos, Necro, High Elf, and Nurgle. 3 of his teams are #1 ranked

in their race.

He has made the playoffs in each of the past 10 seasons, and

11/12 overall!

Miasmic Misery is the #3 franchise of all-time. They made it to

back-to-back championship matches in Seasons 11 and 12, losing

the first to The Phoenix Kings, but winning the second against

Naggaroth Revolutionaries.

He gave the league its first super star in Lola, and more recently has unleashed Dengue Dan upon the league. Dan is #2 in career rushing yards, and

touchdowns. He has also broken the long standing record for single season rushing yards.

For this Era he returns to Chaos, with Slams Snap. Crackle. And Pop!

Fuck that guy. Anyone whos ever come in contact with this

dipshit

Astros best season was Season 1. You know, the season where

half the league was just learning to play Blood Bowl. He has also

performed well in nursing home arm wrestling contests (two 3rd

place finishes) and taking candy from babies competitions (9th

place ribbon).

Era 2 was an unmitigated disaster.

Era 3 was a fluke.

And then theres Era 4 where he was too lazy to create his own

team so he took over someone elses team, ruined their legacy,

and destroyed their star player. Way to go.

His .613 Win % with Lizardmen is proof that they are easy-mode.

He was the first one to get a player (Smiley) to level 7. Whoop-de-friggin-do.

Next up, he shows everyone how NOT to play Necro.

W T L

Run Lola Run 9 6 2 0.70

Unlawful Avengers 6 5 5 0.53

Unlawful Avengers 7 5 4 0.59

ERA 1 22 16 11 0.61

Mars Minion 6 6 4 0.56



ERA 2 26 11 11 0.65

Defenders of The Sidhe 8 6 2 0.68



ERA 3 30 12 6 0.75

Miasmic Misery 11 4 1 0.81



ERA 4 29 13 6 0.74

Total 107 52 34 0.68

W T L

Primeval Thunder 11 4 2 0.765



ERA 1 21 15 13 0.582

Red Heck Rejects 7 2 7 0.500



ERA 2 21 8 19 0.521




ERA 3 22 18 8 0.646

Servants of Saruman 6 5 5 0.531



ERA 4 22 11 15 0.573

Total 86 52 55 0.580


6/17

Im less of a threat than Slam. - Timdog

hes a bloodthirsty git! Timdog

I still feel Slam needs a beating. - Timdog

All of Slams teams rank in the top 3 all-time of their respective

races .

Snap Crackle and Pop! Is the best Chaos team not coached by

Damek. They managed two division championships in Era 1.

Double Entendre made a trip to the championship game in

Season 6. They rank #1 all-time among Amazon teams, and #10

overall.

The Servants won the difficult AFC South twice, but never won a

playoff game in Era 3.

The Cereal Killers started slow, but made a nice playoff run in Season 12, knocking out heavy favorites, The Brackish Brawlers, and Zerg Rush. They

are currently the #1 Chaos Pact team of all-time, and will be returning for another Era.

Champ: MauhurOne of the most violent players the league has ever seen. Chump: Khhaaaaaaaaaaaaannn!!!!

All Hail Thul! Jackal

The OFL was already a great league, but when Thul took over

from Mad Hatter, he multiplied it by awesome!

Thul set the standard for violence in Era 1 with the first Big Guy

super star, Mulcana.

He stepped up his game a notch in Era 2 with a move to Nurgle,

and a pair of playoff appearances.

It was Chaos Dwarfs for Era 3 - Do you think Thul likes Claws,and killing people, and stuff? The big hats put up 7.5 in each

season, never breaking into the postseason.

Thul returned to his favorite team for Era 4, and despite losing Mulcana, had his most successful Era yet. The Knightsrecord improved each

season, and they made it to the playoffs in each of the last two seasons. His six season record with The Knights is 41-20-36 for a .526 Win %.

He has made the curios decision to leave the bash behind for Era 5. He will be coaching Circus/Slann. Maybe, just maybe, Thul will be the one to

finally get Circus to live up to their potential. It should be interesting.

W T L

Snap Crackle and Pop 11 1 5 0.676



ERA 1 28 8 13 0.653

Double Entendre 7 5 4 0.594



ERA 2 28 10 10 0.688




ERA 3 24 15 9 0.656

Cereal Killers 1 9 6 0.344



ERA 4 15 16 17 0.479

Total 95 49 49 0.619

W T L

1 Oblivion Knights 6 5 6 0.500



ERA 1 19 7 23 0.459

4 Evil Entrails 6 3 7 0.469



ERA 2 21 10 17 0.542

7 Molten Agony 6 3 7 0.469



ERA 3 17 11 20 0.469



12 Oblivion Knights 9 4 3 0.688ERA 4 22 13 13 0.594

Total 79 41 73 0.516


7/17

HEYWOOD:GOOOOOD MORNING, OFL !!!It's your good ol' pally Pal, Heywood

Jawblomi... someone explain that to the

Jonesie guy or whatever his name is ....

freak. He has some kind of weird accent

on account of he's from another country

and stuff. What? So what if my only

second language is just drawing stick

figures! He still sounds funny. Anyway,

{shuffles through papers on his desk] tell

him to stop eating all the plants in the

lobby and looking at the human

secretaries like they're all so hideous...

Sheesh. Freakin' ELF coaches..

[focusing back on camera]

Well, ALL YOU BRIGHT EYED, HOPEFUL

BLOOD BOWL COACHES OUT THERE!!

I've been watching you guys in the

offseason.. all you coaches with your

saucer like eyes... all dreamy as a prom

queen for your new teams, or old teams,

FREEEEEEEEEEE AGENTS and your new

logos and your new Banners... I can't

wait to see those smiles turned into prison

GLORY HOLES in the good old Nuffle

Powered OFL where "No means yes, and

yes means anal."

[manical laughter ensues]

Let's get down to business, shall we...

someone send in that guy from Siberia...

what? Finland? Well, that's gotta be close

to Siberia, right? Oh well, fifty fifty

chance, and I blew it. Damn.

HEYWOOD:Hiya Coach.. c'mon in, Jujitsu

[SPEAKS SLOWLY AND LOUDER]

COOOOOMEEEE INNNNNN

[motions to the chair]

Coach Jounisii:It's Jounisii.

HEYWOOD:Yea, I know who you are

Jumanji. [makes air quotes] "Help! I'm

lost in board game!!! " AM I RIGHT?!?!?!

BWHAHHA!!

Coach Jounisii:It's prounouced Jounisii.

HEYWOOD:Jomosayswhat?

Coach Jounisii:Yo My Niggah!!!

[COMPLETE SILENCE FALLS OVER THE SET.

EVEN HEYWOOD IS SPEECHLESS.

SOMETHING HE MAY NEVER BE AGAIN..

EVEN WHEN HE'S DEAD.]

Coach Jounisii:Like that. [Smiles]

HEYWOOD:Whahu? What?

Coach Jounisii:You know, the "Yo" part

from the first word, and the "Ni" part

from the last bit. Used that when I was

working in Ireland. I would ask them:

"What do rappers say?" [Jounisii stands

up, flashing make pretend gang sign in

that pitiful way most, if not all, forty year

old white guys do. He's obviously about

to belt out something] YO! MY NI...

[Heywood, encouraged by all the peoples'

shrieks of horror, abruptly interrupts him]

HEYWOOD:[terrible y flustered andpanicked] NO. No. no...That's alright.. We

get it. We get it.. "Yoe-Knee. right? Like

that??

Coach Jounisii:Yea, but add the Sii.. like

this...

HEYWOOD:[frantically interrupts again]

YOE KNEE ZEE.. RIGHT? LIKE THAT,

RIGHT??

Coach Jounisii: Right. Jounisii. [Smiles

some more, oblivious of the chaos that

caused]

HEYWOOD:Nuffle bless us one and all.

How'd you get that name? Lose a bet or

something?

Coach Jounisii:Jouni happens to be my

1st name. A beautiful and noble Finnish

name. The rest is part of my surname. I've

had this nick for a long time, no reason to

change or fix something that ain't broken.

HEYWOOD:If you say it that way in the

wrong neighborhood, your teeth are

gonna get some fixing. Of course, I keeptelling my wife the same thing: So, tell us

about your team, JuicyFruit .. I MEAN

JOUNISII...

Coach Jounisii:Well, Wiggling Elvis is

clearly our leader on and off the pitch.

And he shall never die. Believe me. But

the other blitzer hired from Fastball,

Lucien Swift, should carry Pelves at least

for a while.

HEYWOOD:What about your coaching

history, Joe... Coach Jounisii?

Coach Jounisii:I played like 10 TT matches

in early 90s. I found the Cyanide version

last spring and since then I've played a

decent amount on-line. I love doing crazy

stuff with elves. Gives me certain

satisfaction when I can hear screaming

and roaring from 2000 miles away. Some

of those plays are sort of my mostmemorable moments thus far. For

example, a play against Danton in Big

Crunch season 4 with my wussies was

quite enjoyable - turned almost certain

defeat on turn 16 to a victory.

HEYWOOD:Ha! Yeah, I hear Danton still

hasn't really gotten over that one. His

gfnd says he still screams your name in his

sleep. [looks off screen] What? What

does that have to do with anything if he's

married? Oh, shite! Yea, I meant that MY

GIRLFRIEND is screaming out your name.

[Nervous laughter] Well, let's talkKickoffs...

Coach Jounisii:Kick-off results, meh. They

come and go. The only times i'm really

irritated is when my 1turn attempt is

foiled by unfavourable K-O result.

HEYWOOD: Speaking of one turners,

good luck with that marriage, Danton...

So, Coach J, who do you have winning

your Conference?

Coach Jounisii:Shaking Pelves will wreakhavoc in LFC soon enough. Off course.

What an idiotic question. Pros will win

everything humanly (or actually elfly)

possible.

HEYWOOD:Well, it seems that Danton

chap has been elf'balled by you, any other

coaches you have a gripe against or that

might have some ill-will toward you?


8/17

Coach Jounisii:No-one bothers to create a

rivalry with pro elfies of a noob. But soon

enough everyone shall hate us. Bring it on,

frail and grumpy oldies - yet definitely not

goldies any more.

HEYWOOD:Dang, This Swedish guy is

really bringing the smack talk, isn't that

how the kids these days say it? He's "got

a Beef" or something like that? You'renot exactly a young turk yourself, are you,

Sammy Switzerland?

Coach Jounisii:I'm from Finland as

mentioned before. Not many of us around

here. 40 years young.

HEYWOOD:I like 40 year old women.. IF

THEY'RE TWINS, AM I RIGHT?? What's the

word for twins in Latvian? And don't say

Olsen, AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT??

Coach Jounisii:I'm from Fin...

HEYWOOD:Right, right, we're almost

FINished... I get it ... Sheeesh, Mr.

Hurryuppants. One more question: how

do you feel you and your organization did

in this Era's draft?

Coach Jounisii:The draft went well. Got

the race I wanted and made a deal to get

some extra. I was following the trading

frenzy with curiosity and amusement. I

guess next time I'd trade some more as

the system would be more familiar. Then

again, it'd depend on a gazillion of small

factors.

HEYWOOD:Ha! Speaking of small factors,

let's introduce the next coach: Coach Ken.

Yeah, not that imaginative and hear it

took him two weeks to learn to spell it.

But, hey, the guy's Canadian, so that's

PROGRESS.

[Coach Jounisii is escorted out and Coach

Ken sits down]

HEYWOOD:Welcome Coach.

Coach Ken: [FARTS]

HEYWOOD:Awww. The Canadian mating

call... I"m flattered, but no thanks... So,

the name...

Coach Ken:My full name is

KenDontDodge of the Standfirm Clan,

third born of JohnPileOnYa. But since that

was already taken I just went with the

quicker to type "ken."

HEYWOOD:Don't dodge huh? That's a

real skill.... for FACIALS... Tell us about

your team. Who is gonna be the

cornerstone of this bunch?

Coach Ken:Without a doubt the star

player in training for Confederacy of

Dunces is our new Flagship beast of

burden, Maggie Crasher. She spent season

twelve learning the ropes from the mean

machine supreme, Mjolnir, and is poisedto surpass him in every way. She might

only have 2 skills coming into this era but

it's hard to argue that Block and Claw are

anything but sprinters shoes for this

bringer of pain.

HEYWOOD:So, give the viewers a little bit

of background on yourself, Coach K.

Coach Ken:I've been at this Blood Bowl

thing for both too long and not long

enough. My first exposure was when I

bought the original vanilla release from

Cyanide and no surprise it left a bad taste

in my mouth since I couldn't swallow the

entire rules set in one go.

HEYWOOD: [SPEWS THE "COFFEE" HE

WAS DRINKING] Wait... What??

Coach Ken: [keeps talking, not noticing

Heywood as he tries to clean up the mess]

Somehow I got hold of the CRP a year or

two later, picked up the Dark Elf

expansion and played with myself for a

couple hundred games.

[Heywood falls over backwards in his

chair, tumbling off the back of the stage]]

The AI regularly kicked my ass and I

thought the game was better than my

sister's famous Cherry Pie. I lurked a little

on BBTactics.com was tricked into joining

the multiplayer scene in March of 2013

and joined a league with an Ogre lineup

(having played a grand total of 10 online

matches at this point). My first game I

devastated a 15 year veteran of the game

that was coaching a pro elf team, I don't

think he's played since, then I went on to

be humiliated in my next 4 games. I was

hooked on the abuse. Here I am almost ayear and a half later, I'm still a terrible

coach and I'm still having a blast.

HEYWOOD:[composing himself]

Fans have been asking about kickoff

results. What's your fav?

Coach Ken:I hate all kickoff results, they

are the worst part of the game. Seeing the

result of any kickoff result is like seeing

the result of a GFI for Jackal, that poor,

tormented bastard. It's the end of all love

for this game every single time without

fail. Luckily the first block brings the loveback home, drama drama drama Ha!

HEYWOOD:Put on your Swami hat. Who

do you think will win your conference?

Do you and any other coaches have any

beefs held over from last season?

Coach Ken:Confederacy of Dunces is

gonna take the conference title in the

Foulathon. If you're asking about the

championship? Then fucked if I know. I

almost had an established rivalry with

Travel Scrabble, but he left for the wienier

pastures of the AFC/WFC chumps. Mybackup rival was to be Everblue for picking

easy mode clown dwarves but he dropped

off the face of the earth and possibly into

a bathtub full of dead hookers. My third

choice rival is Barmution, he's great fun to

taunt from the other side of the pitch and

he often uses Ventrilo. It's a lot easier to

hate somebody when you can hear their

voice.

HEYWOOD: What about the draft? Things

were quite different this year with the

addition of the scouts... How did you

fare?

Coach Ken:I think I got crazy lucky in the

draft which compensated for my

inexperience. I saw a lot of bad offers and

ignored them, made me not want to trade

at all. Getting a full era with the Dunces is

all I really wanted out of the draft, so I

have to admit I am briefly happy....

Moment's over. Anger is back.

HEYWOOD:That's your angry face? I

thought you were just trying to shit your


9/17

pants... again. You know, like last

season... 5-4- and SEVEN. Hhahhahaha...

anyway, we're about to go to break.

Thanks for your time.... STOP MAKING

THAT FACE, DUDE!!

[Coach Ken grabs the mic and looks into

the camera]

Coach Ken:I like cookies and one time I

told a joke that someone laughed at.Revisiting that moment on a daily basis is

more nourishing than keenwa. "You either

do something or you don't, it's always

50/50" -- Bad math to live by!!

[the Jawblomi staff help escort Coach Ken

off the stage as Coach Thsin sits down]

HEYWOOD:Sorry about that guy, Coach

Thsin. But I must say, i do agree with the

fella's math, which frightens me.

Coach Thsin:It's fine. He's Canadian. He

tried to hump my leg back stage. It's to be

expected. Did you know that even theirBACON is tubular is shape?

HEYWOOD:Yeah.. [Spicoli voice] TOTALLY

TUBULAR. So, your team of pointy ears,

yeah? What's up with them? Who would

you say is your most important player?

Coach Thsin:Well I've got high hopes for

Morgan Tyrell from Fastball who can

dodge we...

HEYWOOD:Wait. What? HE'S your most

important player??

Coach Thsin:lol, nope Meadowlark. It'll be

great to coach the most freakish elf I've

ever come across in Blood Bowl!

HEYWOOD:Okay, okay... good one. You

sure got me there. Btw, Coach, my

information says that you've decided to

begin the season without an

apothecary???? Is this really true? Did

Meadowfart, uhhhh, don't tell him I called

him that, even know that when he signed

with you guys??

Coach Thsin:Ha! Ha! A guy likeMeadowlark doesn't care, sir! The thought

that he may be injured against the scrubs

we face in week 1 hasn't even crossed his

mind.

[Heywood waits and stares into Coach

Thsins eyes]

Coach Thsin:And it was in the very small

print...

HEYWOOD:I KNEW IT! Well, we'll see

how that plays out.. Could be genius.Could be a lot of elf hatin' haters hatin' all

day and drinkin' their haterade... So,

what about your pedigree, Coach T? How

long you been playing this game.

Coach Thsin: 4 years now.

HEYWOOD:Years of throwing actual dice

and painting figures?

Coach Thsin:No TT experience here,

video game born and bred. Always like the

look of it on my brothers White Dwarfs

when I was little, so when I saw the gameI got it... for xbox 360. When I saw just

how much better the PC version was, I got

it joined some private leagues and never

looked back.

HEYWOOD:Ha! Never looked back???

Well, you obviously haven't had a

sleepover with Coach Ken!! Well, so all

your visions are pixilated, huh? What's

one of your greatest or most memorable

Blood Bowl moment?

Coach Thsin:Most memorable moment?

I'd say first league I won was a brilliantmoment, just pipping winning 6-0 with

one of my wood elf teams and having one

of my players be the top all-time killer in

SvS.

HEYWOOD:We've been asking all the

coaches.. a poll of sorts...

[the word poll gets Coach Ken all riled up

and the crew has to keep him from trying

to get back on stage. Of f camera you can

hear him screaming: I love poles!! Give

me candy!! ]

HEYWOOD:Sorry about that: anyway,

what are your favorite and least favorite

Kick-Off results?

Coach Thsin:Blitz against my opponent -

blitz against me.

HEYWOOD:Yeah, I get that. Personally,

that Rock that killed that Mummy a few

years back is my favorite. I have a wizard

play it every New Years Eve party.

ahhahahahah. Okay, so, whosgonna

take your conference?

Coach Thsin:I will of course! It will be

interesting to see, but anybody has a

chance, especially in non-bashy LFC.

HEYWOOD:Any other predictions?

Coach Thsin:As for the other divs, I know

Darken is a really good coach from SvS so

let's go for him.

HEYWOOD:So, "Thsin" what the hell kind

of name is "Thsin"? It looks like some of

Coach Ken's early attempts to spell HISname.

Coach Thsin:As a complete noob on the

xbox 360 I wasn't very good, but I

managed to make a very successful dwarf

team on it, got all the players to level 6.

The first to level 7 and my favourite player

was a runner called Thsin, generic name

as the 360 didn't let you customise. So

when I had to come up for a name for the

Cyanide forum to find out about bug fixing

and later for the PC account, I went with

my first best player.

HEYWOOD:Makes sense. Okay, wrapping

up, how do you feel you made out during

this Era's draft?

Coach Thsin:Well as I was one of the few

who wanted Pro Elves I did what was

needed got myself enough cap and so on.

Next era may try for a more bashy race so

would be more interesting.

HEYWOOD:Anything else you'd like our

viewers to know about yourself, Coach T?

Coach Thsin:Tall, Scottish, fanaticalfootball (regular and American ) fan, love

sport, family and BB. Keen on astronomy

as well.

[Coach Thsin departs and Coach Ken

comes in a takes a seat... no, really, he just

took one of the chairs.. says he needs it

for his trailer.... now, Coach

ScottishDunccomes in. Another chair is

brought to the stage by the staff and

Coach ScottishDunc sits down]


10/17

HEYWOOD: Well, out goes one Scot and,

Lo' and Behold! In comes another. Say,

that reminds me... Hiya, Coach

ScottishDunc... have a seat. So, is it true

what they say about Sheepskin condoms?

Coach ScottishDunc:What's that?

HEYWOOD: THAT IT'S JUST LIKE HAVING

SEX WITH A SHEEP?? DO YOU KNOW

WHAT I MEAN?? BWAHAHAHHAA

Coach ScottishDunc:[silence]

HEYWOOD:Okay, okay. Sorry. I .. I just

love that one. EWE know EWE do too.

Bahwhahhaah...

Coach ScottishDunc:[More Silence]

HEYWOOD:[Clears throat nervously]

Ahem. Okay. Okay. Baaaaaaaaaaaa ...

HAHHAHAHAHA

[Wipes the tears from his eyes] Okay. let'sget back on track.... So, Coach S.... tell us a

little bit about your team. Who would you

say is your team's leader?

Coach ScottishDunc:I think that you have

to take a look at Badger. Having managed

to stay injury free while almost all other

Beastmen least era sustained an injury of

some sort. He has tasted blood and in a

recent one-on-one meeting he made it

clear that those damn dirty dodgers taste

really good.

HEYWOOD:I think we have some footageof him from last season:

http://randallshoneybadger.com/

Coach ScottishDunc:That's a Honey

Badger. That video is old and played out.

LIke your sister.

HEYWOOD:So it is... [Heywood continues

to stare at the monitor]

Coach ScottishDunc:[snaps his fingers]

HEYWOOD:Oh! Right! So, how long have

you been playing?

Coach ScottishDunc:I played TT back on

the early 2000's with some friends and

was recently reintroduced to the game

when browsing a comic book store and

found an unopened copy. Then, after a lot

of prodding from Ken, I finally bought the

online version and haven't looked back

since!

[Heywood spits out the coffee he was

drinking and the mug falls on to the floor]]

HEYWOOD: SPhhhhhhhhtttttttt...

What? [makes air quotes] "Prodding

from Ken" ?? Bwhahahhaahha.... [slaps

his knee] OH this is rich... [talking to

himself, unable to stop laughing.. tears

streaming from his eyes now] "haven't

looked back" [continues laughing]

Coach ScottishDunc:Are you finished?

HEYWOOD:I"m sorry, Coach. Really. I

just ... Okay. What's your most

memorable Blood Bowl moment?

Coach ScottishDunc:The most

memorable would have to be from a

recent match over at BBT. With no RRs

left, one of my +AG Skinks collected the

ball in two tackle zones, made 2 dodges

into 2 tackle zones, 2 dodges into 1 tackle

zones and the dodge out of the tackle

zones only to fail on the only gfi .

[there is a high pitched scream heard offcamera, it sounds like an animal on fire]

.... needed to score and win the game!

HEYWOOD:Jeeez, man!! Keep it down.!!

Ixnay on the "Ohforit, gay"... Coach

Jackal's in the building and apparently he's

not wearing his restraints. But yeah it's

cruel how Nuffle will string your hope

out... kinda like coaxing out a turtle.. only

to [screams loudly] POW!! CRUSH IT'S

TINT FRAGILE SKULL WITH A FRAMING

HAMMER!!

Coach ScottishDunc:[Looks around] Is

this guy for real?

HEYWOOD:So, what about the kickoff?

Fav? Least Fav?

Coach ScottishDunc: High Kick would

have to be my favorite... it gives only a

small benefit (as long as the ball was

placed well) to the receiving team. Blitz is

my least. Don't get me wrong, the lads are

trained to take advantage of this kick off

result but it just feels wrong... kind of like

Kens avatar!

HEYWOOD:I know, right? That Ken guy

has issues. Needs some tissues for his

issues. KNOW WHAT I MEAN,

BWHAHAHAH.. So, who do you predict

will win your Conference and who will win

the final?

Coach ScottishDunc:I'd love to think my

murderers can make it to the top, but I

think you'll find that Itchen will take that...

although they will bleed on the way!

HEYWOOD:Any already established

rivalries?

Coach ScottishDunc:My main rivalries

would have to be with CharlieBanks who

is a big fan of Wrecks Ryan and and the

Murderers in general and Ken, I just can't

wait to see him at work and rub it in his

face when Margaret Crasher goes down

during our game!

HEYWOOD:Aw man, that would be

awesome to be able to physically see

someone's face the day after a beatdown.

You two must really be looking forward to

game five, huh? So, help me crack the

code to your screenname...

Coach ScottishDunc: Simple... I'm

Scottish and my last name in Duncan.

Sorted!

HEYWOOD:How do you think you did in

the draft? What would you do differntlynext era?

Coach ScottishDunc:I gave up a couple

scouts that I didn't need to in order to

secure #1 spot [in the LFC] ... next time I

think I'll be more aware of how far down

the top 3 teams I wanted went (hint...my

#2 team went really far down!)

HEYWOOD:Anything else we should

know about you?

Coach ScottishDunc:I love Thul (in a

platonic way only since he refused to takethe bouquet of dead elves I sent him!) and

this league is one of the best run things I

have ever come across!

HEYWOOD:[Heywood spits out more

coffee] Phhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhpt....

Wow, that reminds me... Can you give this

five dollars to Ken's sister for me? Well,

that's two Scots in row and we all know.. i

it's not Scottish... it's CRAP!!! Speaking of

crap, I've gotta take a dump soon. How

many more coaches do we have left

anyway? What? Only one more? Great.

Bring him on. I can wait. I kinda like alittle prairie doggin'.

[Coach Danton is escorted in by one of the

staff]

HEYWOOD:Welcome, welcome, Coach D

I see you've got the premies for the

interview so you know the first question:

so, let's hear your answer.

Coach Danton: Well this team is all about

the stormvermin FAs really. They both
http://randallshoneybadger.com/http://randallshoneybadger.com/http://randallshoneybadger.com/


11/17

played on my team all of last season and

were the main reason for bringing the

team back this time around.

Ming the Mercilessneeds no introduction

having been on a championship winning

team before. He racked up 17 casualties

for me last season and am hoping to get

him up to Legendary status, while

surpassing that mark this season (talk

about signing his death warrant...).Hurt Strike Killis also a promising "up and

comer" and I am also expecting big things

from him this season, as he's close to

becoming a star in his own right (strike 2)!

The rest of the team are a bunch of

rookies, but I've got some scout flags on

three of the gutter runners, so hopefully

at least one of them will show some early

promise.

HEYWOOD:Yea, those scout things...

[Whispers to Coach Danton: don't call

them flags] are really gonna make somecoaches happy and other weep. So, i

read your bio earlier today. What? I

sometimes take two craps a day...

anyway, you've kind of had two Blood

Bowl lives, huh?

Coach Danton: I actually bought the very

first version of the board game and the

expansion when it came out back in the

80s (yes I am that old). I played the game

while at school, but then sold it when I

graduated and never played a game of BB

again until the Cyanide version came out!

Since then I've been an active member ofseveral online leagues and have accrued a

lot of online experience. My most

memorable moment would have to be

winning the OCC (Orca Cola

Championship) league title with my dark

elf team. It's a huge league which

normally has around 250 coaches divided

into 6 or 7 tiers. My team spent around 14

seasons getting battered in the top

divisions before i was finally able to win

the title and to this day it's the only dark

elf team to have managed to win the

league.

The very final game was hugely nerve-

wracking, playing against a lizardman

team coached by a former champion. All I

needed was a draw to take the title. The

first half ended in a perfect 1-0 grind for

me and I thought I was set. The Lizards

then managed to score after around 5

turns of their drive and then got a blitz on

their kick-off!

I secured the ball, but then two

consecutive snake-eyes dodges on my

turns left one of my blitzers exposed with

the ball and it looked certain that the

lizards would steal the ball, score and ruin

my dream of winning the league!

Somehow my blitzer survived like 10 block

dice on turn 16 and I barely hung on for

the draw! Talk about relief!!

HEYWOOD: Relief is gonna be when I

blow up the employee bathroom after this

interview... pheeew. I got a turd the sizeof how much Coach GymBo wishes he

could self felate. So, Kickoff... love 'em or

hate 'em... What's your favorite

result? Least favorite?

Coach Danton: Favourite would be Get

the Ref, as it can really changes the

dynamic of some matches. Particularly

when neither coach was planning on

fouling at all!

Least favourite has to be Throw a Rock. I

would nerf it and make it a BH at worst. I

think it's far too random a way to have aplayer crippled or worse.

HEYWOOD:What? I freakin' LOVE when a

rock get's thrown.. I have season tickets

to many stadiums, but I never miss the

FI$T FIR$T BRING YOUR FAVORITE BRICK

TO THE STADIUM night.. Oh well, to each

his own. Fifty fifty, right? So, new team,

huh? Do you think your guys can

compete?

Coach Danton: I think my team has a good

shot at winning the Conference if I can

keep my stormvermin healthy anddevelop some nice gutter runners. There

are some strong franchises back from last

season who will be contenders again

though I'm sure. Both Dreamy's wood

elves and Matt's dark elves are likely to

feature.

There are several coaches from the

BBTactics community here, who I've

played against in other competitions as

well as here last season, so plenty of

rivalries from the past to build on!

Barmution and Ging are both in my

division this season and I look forward totrying to kill both of their teams! Jounisii is

of course also in for some pain if our

teams happen to meet! REVENGE IS A

DISH BEST SERVED.... BY RATS WITH

CLAWS!!

HEYWOOD:Easy there, Gerbil boy...

Richard Queeef.... Randy Ratface...

Sorry. I get carried away. So, what's with

"Danton"? That's where Coach Ken's

sister works... . You know.. DOWN ..

TOWN...

Coach Danton: It's actually my middle

name. I hardly ever use my middle name

in real life, so it sort of became my online

handle for some reason... I guess I felt it

needed to be used somewhere... Not

much point having a middle name if you

don't use it is there? Is there???

HEYWOOD:Good lord, man... you seem

to have confused yourself in a trance..Shake it off. Let's change subjects. Draft

how'd you do?

Coach Danton: I drafted in the mid 30s,

which suited me as I didn't think that

Skaven would be very popular. I couldn't

get as involved in the trading as I would

have liked, due to being away on vacation

that week and it would have been nice to

have been able to accumulate a bit more

FA cap in order to be able to add another

FA to the team, but all in all I'm happy

with the outcome.

HEYWOOD:Yea, "vacation" COUGH

COUGH jail COUGH COUGH makes it

difficult to really stay on top of all those

trade offers and the like... Aside from

COUGH COUGH prison COUGH COUGH

what else would you like our viewers to

know about you, Coach D ?

Coach Danton: I live in Buenos Aires in

Argentina, although I was born in Ireland

to an English father and an Argentine

mother! Spent most of my life between

Ireland and England, but then married anArgie and moved here almost ten years

ago. Have a couple of kids, am losing my

hair and beginning to cultivate a

paunch. When not doing important things

like playing BB, I also work as a web

developer and mobile app developer.

HEYWOOD:Alrighty then!! Well, that's it

for another segment of Heeeeeeeey

WouldJaBlowmi's Clever Curnt Corner

[Heywood obviously thinks the mics are

off and leans forward to speak to Coach

Danton]

HEYWOOD:Hey man, sorry about that

girlfriend comment, buddy..

Coach Danton: No worries, you are lucky I

have a sense of humour!! It's perfectly

fine.... as long as the wife never reads it...

oh shit... I think she's coming....

[Heywood and Coach Danton both sprint

off camera to the sounds of screaming

and explosions]


12/17

Season 13 of the OFL is closing in on kick-off! The WFC features plenty of intriguing matchups, the resurrection of some old rivalries, and plenty of

potential for close races and fireworks. Here's how the divisions break down:

GK - Undead - Electric Mayhem

Astro - Necro - Crestwood Creeps

Blitz- Human - UFC Football

Jako - Orc - Da Pumpkin Patch

Hot Take:This will be a fiercely-contested

division, but the Humans will be in for a

long Era.

Players to Watch:Trik - Da Pumpkin

Patch, Anderson Silva - UFC Football,

Urijah Faber - UFC Football

GK comes in with a new Undead team,

Astro's got a new Necro team, Blitz has

performed some necromancy of his own,

unearthing a Human team that was

mothballed after Season ONE, and Jako's

back with Da Pumpkin Patch. Only Jako

will be entering the Era with a legitimate

game-breaker on his roster, none other

than the legendary Trik, though Blitz hasfranchised a pair of AG+ players, which

should help him in the early going. The

Orcs' heavy armour and the Regen on

Astro's and GK's squads should help them

weather the storm, but I don't expect the

Humans to hold up in this meat-grinder.

GK, Blitz, and Jako will all contend for

playoff spots, and I'd be surprised if the

division title is decided before the final

week of the season.

Belasco - Undead - Back For More

Rauni - Dark Elf - Nebraska Hornhuskers

Orabbi - Chaos - The Doom that Came to

the OFL

BSU - Lizards - Lizard Pool Blood Bowl Club

Hot Take: Another tough division to

handicap, but expect Belasco and BSU tobe the frontrunners.

Players to Watch:Lil Red - Nebraska

Hornhuskers

Belasco, Orabbi, and BSU are all in with

fresh teams, while Rauni brings back the

Hornhuskers. The DE's advantage at being

the only established team is tempered by

the reality that it's tough for Elves to make

the most of returning stars, given their

high player cost. Belasco's good no

matter what he plays, Lizards are good no

matter who coaches them, and Orabbiwith a Chaos team is a nightmare; he

should be easy pickings early on since he's

fielding all rookies, but nobody will want

the Doom on their schedule by the time

Season 14 rolls around. I expect that

Belasco will take the division, with Rauni

and BSU challenging for WC spots.

Damek - Dark Elf - Silver Spades

Hammertime - Chaos Pact - Maelstrom

Marauders

Gym-bo - Lizardman - Jurassic Park Diners

Timdog - Norse - Frozen Tallywackers

Hot Take: This is Damek's division to lose,

he should win it walking away. Gym-Bo

should push for a WC spot.

Players to Watch:Aethnal - Silver Spades,

Omegan - Maelstrom Marauders, Raptor

Jesus - Jurassic Park Diners, UnrKegsplitter - Frozen Tallywackers

Damek's in with a new DE team, Hammer

is picking up the reins on the Maelstrom

Marauders, Tim's back to playing with his

frostbitten dicks, and Gym's gone easy-

mode. Damek's record speaks for itself,

and there's no reason to expect that he

won't continue his dominance with his

new DE team, even though the "silver

spades" sounds like an octogenarian biker

gang. Hammer's Marauders are going to

be in for a rough ride, at least for this

season; Pact aren't a strong low-TV team,and they won't match up well against any

of their div-mates. The opposite side of

that coin is Timdog's Tallywackers, they

could challenge for a WC spot this season,

since Norse should be strong out of the

gate. The Diners will do fine once they ge

a few of their rookie Saurs built up, but

they may regret their decision to spend

big on a Kroxigor in Free Agency. When

it's all said and done though, this is

Damek's show.

Toast - Orc - Flash Gitz

Squall - Necro - Cactuar Resurrection

Sabonnel - Nurgle - Creeping Death

Thul - Circus - Dagger Devils

Hot Take:Thul's fucked.

Players to Watch:Sitri - Creeping Death,

Dabulletz - Flash Gitz

Seriously, what was Thul thinking? He

should have a word with the guy who

designed these divisions. Toast's logo

looks like the Orc version of Mr. Peanut,

or maybe Rich Uncle Moneybags (the

Monopoly guy, you idiots), but don't be

fooled. Toast will have the Gitz in

contention, though having 2 "claw" teams

in his division isn't an ideal situation for an

Orc team. Squall's Cactuar fixation has

moved over to a fresh Necro squad, while

Sab is the only coach bringing in an

established team, which should give himan early edge. Toast and Squall should

both make the playoffs, but Sab

happens...

Kal Durak - ChaosKhornes Karnage


13/17

Remthar - Vampires - Tragic Failures

Jasfoz - Ogres - Crush Kill Destroy

TrickIce - Chaos Dwarf - Molten Agony

Hot Take: Rem and Jas are both playing

gimmick races, and Trick's never coached

CDs. Kal wins this division by 5 points.

Players to Watch:Wyatt Twerp - Tragic

Failures, Basalt Blackbarrel - Molten

Agony

No disrespect to the other coaches in the

WFCS (ok, maybe a LITTLE disrespect), but

Kal is going to have a field day here. Yeah,

Chaos teams are traditionally slow out of

the gate, and who knows, maybe Remthar

is actually a wizard who can somehow

make Vampires not be garbage, but I

don't see any way that Kal doesn't win this

division by a mile. Trick may challenge

him once he gets the hang of his new Claw

Dwarves, but this is going to be the leastexciting division in the OFL this season.

Nobody wants Ogres on their schedule,

but nobody loses to them, either. If the

Chaos team hasn't clinched the division by

Week 12, I'll be surprised.

The AFC also features plenty of intriguing matchups, the resurrection of some old rivalries, and plenty of potential for close races and fireworks.

Here's how the divisions break down:

Lazarus - Chaos - Snap, Crackle, Pop

Wildfire40 - Dark Elf - Grave Filling Intent

Papadragon - Nurgle - Contagious

Lawquoter - Skaven - Hood Rats

Hot Take:Wildfire takes the division, with

Lawquoter in contention for a wildcard

spot.

Players to Watch:Basher III - Snap,

Crackle, Pop, Gasher - Snap, Crackle, Pop,

Popsnot - Hood Rats

Lazarus has brought back Slam's old Chaos

franchise, and he brought a pair of game-

changing Beastmen with him. Wild is at

the helm of a fresh DE squad, Papa's

reunited with his Era 3 team, and

Lawquoter has chosen to continue with

the Hood Rats, who he took over last

season. The Elves and the Rats should

have an early advantage over the slower-

starting Chaos and Nurgle squads, but

they'd better get out of the gate with

some purpose, because Papa and Laz will

close that window in a hurry.

Mardaed - High Elf - Phoenix Kings

Michaels - Nurgle - Calamitous Intent

Jackal - Human - Fi$t Fir$t

Voltron - Dwarf - Battle Hammer BBC

Hot Take: The Phoenix Kings are the team

to beat, though Battle Hammer BBC will

give them a run for their money.

Players to Watch: Connor MacCrimmon -

Phoenix Kings, Manni - Fi$t Fir$t

Mardaed and the Phoenix Kings are back

to take another run at a title, Michaels

wins the "best logo" award with his new

Nurgle team, Jackal seems unaware that

there are other races to choose from, and

Voltron's Battle Hammer BBC is the lone

Dwarf entry this Era. Jackal's got a 1-

turner, and by the end of this Era I expect

Calamitous intent to be the team to beat,

but the Phoenix Kings have to be

considered top dogs right now. I like the

Dwarves to make the playoffs, but unless

somebody kills MacCrimmon, Mardaed

should have no trouble taking the

divisional crown.

Darken - Orc - Orkemon

Larkstar - Circus - Flipping Fools

Cullen - Lizardman - Hexoatl Hurricanes

Terry - Norse - The Winter Hammers

Hot Take:The Hurricanes win this division

with Orkemon in the middle of the

wildcard hunt.

Players to Watch:Hunahpu - Hexoatl

Hurricanes, Sixunlucky - Hexoatl

Hurricanes

After spending 6 seasons coaching the

Brackish Brawlers, Darken traded one

storied franchise for another, taking the

reins on one of the OFL's longest-running

franchises, Orkemon. To punish Darken

for torturing the rest of the league with

his Lizards for the last 2 Eras, he's thrown

in a division with the Hurricanes, who

have franchised a pair of ST 5 Saurs. I'd

like to say that Terry's Winter Hammers

and Larkstar's Flipping Fools will challenge

the big dogs, but I can't, because it would

be a lie. Cullen and Darken both make the

playoffs, Terry and Larkstar get their

brains smashed in.


14/17

Bob - Necro - Hollywood Undead

TravelScrabble - Circus - HattifnattersParade

Norse - Norse - Fjord Mustangs

OPHare - Chaos Dwarf - Undermountain

Hammerhands

Hot Take:The Hammerhands grab the

division in a tight race that goes right

down to the wire.

Players to Watch: Tavi - Hollywood

Undead, Kaigan - Undermountain

Hammerhands, Scorn the Howler - Fjord

Mustangs

OPHare is the 4th coach to run the

Hammerhands, who are entering their 3rd

Era. Norse is back at the helm of his

beloved Mustangs, while TravleScrabble

and Bob both bring in fresh teams. The

AFC East could send three teams to the

playoffs, and the divisional crown will

probably come down to the last week of

the season. I give the edge to the

Hammerhands, followed by Hollywood

Undead and then the Mustangs.TravelScrabble will be a tough matchup

every week, but he's going to wish he

stayed in the LFC.

Slam - Chaos Pact - Cereal Killers

Pdarby - Chaos Dwarf - All Blacks

Sunhawk - Undead - Woodbury

Flesheaters

Dahamuran - Khemri - Finger Lickin Brood

Hot Take:The Undead are the fastest

team in this division. That's stupid.

Players to Watch: Cornelius Rooster -

Cereal Killers, BG's Backbone - Woodbury

Flesheaters, The Scorned - Finger Lickin

Brood

Slam's back with his Pact team from last

Era, Sunhawk's new Undead squad won

the "BG Sweepstakes", landing the

exciting young Ghoul despite offers from

several other clubs, Darby's new CD team

has a feather on its logo for some reason,

and Dahamuran used the final pick in the

draft to bring in a fresh Khemri team.

Chaos Pact should fare better this time

around now that they have some players

worth franchising, but I'm picking the

Claw Dorfs to win this division, with

Sunhawk and Slam hot on his heels.

Dahamuran's in for a long Era.

IN DEPTH LOOK AT THE AFC SOUTH

This division will see a lot of low scoring

matches as most of players are fairly

clumsy and slower than grandpa after his

botched hip replacement. This could be

due to the large number of expired

players. Cereal Killers boast the most agile

team overall and two players have elf-like

prowess. All Blacks are the fastest thanks

to their bull centaurs, but if they cant

handle the ball theyll be as slow as their

beer-drinking comrades. All in all expect a

lot of snoring in the stands as this first

season unfolds.

SlamCereal Killers (Chaos Pact)

Coach vs Coach: Vs Pdarby 0-0-1 Vs

Sunhawk 1-1-1 Vs Dahamuran 0-0-0

Roster Depth: 2 FAs

Cornelius Rooster(Rotting Marauder):

AGI/block/dodge/claw/might blow

Captain Crunch(Rotting Marauder):

block/guard/tackle/mighty blow

Starting RRs: 3

Description: This team returns after a

mediocre era, but this coach comes in

with two things he didnt have last time:

experience, and more importantly two

star players.

Prediction: This first season favors this

team as they have on average more agility

and speed on their division rivals. If they

can avoid being out muscled by their rivals

and stay healthy they should be battling

for top spot in the division against the All

Blacks.

PdarbyAll Blacks (Chaos Dwarf)

Coach vs Coach: Vs Slam 1-0-0 Vs

Sunhawk 0-0-0 Vs Dahamuran 0-0-0

Roster Depth: 1 FA

Scrotum 2(blocker):

standfirm/guard/mighty blow

Starting RRs: 2

Description: This team was a last minute

swap for Pdarby who originally was going

to play the much more agile Wood Elves.

While the rest of his team will be rookies

he will still have 4 more blockers to help

clear the pitch as well as a Minotaur and

two bull centaurs to flex their muscles.

Prediction: 1st place in the division, unless

this team sees a lot of rainy game days,

they should have a good shot.

Sunhawk8044Woodbury Flesheaters

(Undead)

Coach vs Coach: Vs Slam 1-1-1 Vs Pdarby

0-0-0 Vs Dahamuran 0-0-0

Roster Depth: 1 FA

BGs Backbone(ghoul): AGI

Starting RRs: 3

Description: This team will have no fear of

ball mishaps in their end thanks to BGs

Backbone but is relying heavily on rookies

to be able to bash a hole through the

opposition. Gods help them if the ghouls

end up on the front lines.

Prediction: A radical switch from the agile

dark elves this coach is used to. Undead

have had a rough go in this league, and

this first season should be filled with more

valleys than peaks.

DahamuranFinger Licking Brood

(Khemri)

Coach vs Coach: Has not played a game vs

any of his division rivals.

Roster Depth: 1 FA

The Scorned(blitz-ra): AGI/pro/sure hands

Starting RRs: 3

Description: Little is known about this

coach who had a rough go with the norse

in the one season hes played. That said, a

lot of muscle can move mountains and

hold back the flood gates to ensure this

team doesnt get blown out. The team

compensated for its lack of ball skills with

a wise free agent purchase and is the only

team to start with a 12 man roster.

Prediction: This team has the chance to

burst out of the gates and surprise

everyone but so much is riding on their

agile free agent that if he is successful and

remains healthy the rest of the team

should do well


15/17

Lastly, The LFC features plenty of intriguing matchups, and blah, blah, blah. You get the picture. Here's how the divisions break down:

DreamyWood ElfAngry Birds

20PhoenixNurgleRise of The

Depesticons

KenChaos PactConfederacy of Dunces

ThsinPro ElfSilverion Sabres

Hot Take:This could come down to the

wire with the week 16 tilt between The

Birds and Depesticons deciding it.

Players to Watch:ZiporaAngry Birds,

Margaret CrasherConfederacy of

Dunces, MeadowlarkSilverion Sabres,

Spawn of GlaakiRise of The Depesticons

Dreamy is bringing back The Angry Birds

to defend The LFC and World Titles. Ken is

bringing back Confederacy of Dunces to

defend truth, justice, and Okay, The Iron

Claw Lady and the rest of The BASTurds

are really just back to smash more shit.

20Phoenix and Thsin are both starting

new franchises. The Depesticons have the

ability to disrupt the offense of their Elf

rivals, and go toe-to-toe with CoD. The

Sabres have signed the Super-Elf,

Meadowlark. He has the strength to

literally carry this team. If he dies early

though, it will be a HUGE setback. The

Depesticons edge out Angry Birds, but

both teams should make the playoffs.

MattsDark ElfDarkland Raiders

CharlieBanksChaos PactAction Pact

DodeLizardmanZlatlan Dragons

JounisiiPro ElfShaking Pelves

Hot Take:Expect The Raiders to come out

on top with The Dragons making a push

for a Wildcard.

Players to Watch:Loqteu-hiZlatlan

Dragons, AnmaelDarkland Raiders

The West also consists of two new teams

and two returning teams. The Raiders

have unfinished business to take care of.

Anything short of a championship will be

considered a disappointment. The

Dragons are hoping to carryover some

momentum from the second half of last

season. Loqteu-hi is only the third player

to crack 30 Casualties in a season. He may

take a run at Alkinoes record this season.

Action Pact may have the greatest theme

ever, but the all-rookie lineup will find it

difficult to compete early on. Elvis is NOT

dead. He is alive and wiggling. For now

anyway. Pro Elves have traditionally taken

a beating. It could be a long season for the

Shaking Pelves. Raiders come out on top

with The Dragons vying for a Wildcard

spot.

RTSDHalflingHalfpint Heroines

ItchenOrcSkanks Eternal

ZuluHigh Elf51st

High Elf Division

ScottishDuncChaosMainstay

Murderers

Hot Take:This race should come down to

two teams: Skanks Eternal and The 51st

High Elf Division.

Players to Watch:Pappa SkankSkanks

Eternal, Phelan Moonwalker51st

High Elf

Division.

ScottishDunc (or ScottishDung as Damek

calls him) has the only returning team in

the division. Theyre bringing a few

hitters, but it will take them a while to

gain the necessary experience to be

competitive. RTSD is going with Halflings

and a thousand Scouts. They may surpass

The Hussies as the top Halfling team, but

it will be a miracle if they make the

playoffs. Itchen nearly made the playoffs

with Goblins! Imagine what he could do

with their giant green cousins. Well, you

wont have to use your imagination,

because he IS playing Orcs this Era, and

you can expect him to be dominant. Zulu

is trading in the slow grind of Khemri for

the fast break potential of High Elves. The

51st

should be in the running for a playoff

spot, but expect The Skanks to take the

title.

DantonSkavenBubonic Brats

GusyaKhorneFeeding Service

BarmutionChaos DwarfAscent of The

Autobeards

GingCircusCockney Rhyming Slann

Hot Take:This might be the toughest

division in The LFC. Both Wildcards could

emerge from the South.

Players to Watch:SkarbumCockney

Rhyming Slann, Ming the Merciless

Bubonic Brats, BomburFeeding Service,

Dusty HillAscent of The Autobeards

Only Barmutions Autobeards are new. It

really seems like they should have been

matched up with The Depesticons oh

well. Theyve signed a Claw Blocker and an

excellent Bull Centaur safety. Bubonic

Brats return with a pair of skilled

Stormvermin, including the scariest rat


16/17

ever, Ming the Merciless. They are one of the favorites to win The LFC. Feeding Service made the playoffs last season. They should be even better

this season, starting on even ground with everyone. Cockney Rhyming Slann are the underdogs of the division. Skarbum (I dont want to know how

he got the name) is good, but theres only so much he can do by himself. The speed advantage is enough to put the Skaven overthe top, with the

other three teams battling for Wildcards.

When Cyanide released Khorne Dameons, many people were angry. They dont fit the fluff, some cried. Theyre a bunch of pussies, others

whined. I dont like the Pit Fighters Butts, complained others. Where are Slann and Pact? everyone screamed. Capes suckass, one guy

bitched. Now they have announced that they will be adding Brettonians, much to the delight of a handful of people. We have obtained a few of the

rosters they rejected before settling on the new ones.

This should put an end to all of the complaining.


17/17

It was late when I finally found Crestwood

Cemetery. It was gloomy even for acemetery.

I drove past a group of Zombies digging up

a grave, and up the hill to Crestwood

Manor.

I parked next to a tiny yellow car, and

walked up the creaky steps to the front

door where I was met by a Zombie in a

tuxedo.

The Zombie-butler led me into the manor,which was filled with furniture that

appeared to have been put together

without the use of instructions.

I was taken to Mortimer Strange, a middle

aged man with long hair and a long beard.

He was wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt

with a Crestwood Creeps log that looked

like it had been drawn with a magic

marker by a four-year-old.

MORTIMER:Riggz! How are you? Its anhonor to be your first interview of the

season!

RIGGZ:Well, normally I dont interview

people Ive never heard of, but since

youre paying me

MORTIMER:Hey, Ive got a lot of extra

Kickstarter money lying around. Might as

well spread the wealth!

RIGGZ:Where did you get the idea for a

Kickstarter campaign?

MORTIMER:I figured there are jerks out

there raising money to make potato salad,

or to get Kenny Loggins to come perform

in their living room, so why not a Blood

Bowl team?

RIGGZ:I assume you reached all of your

stretch goals?

MORTIMER:Oh yeah. Come on let me

show you around.

We went to a large room stacked with

boxes of shirts and hats. A zombie was

sitting at a small a picture of The Creeps

logo was tacked to the wall next to the

Zombie.

MORTIMER:We make all of our own

apparel. Kevin, show him what you have

there.

Kevin held up a hat weird lopsided oval

drawn on it in red marker.

MORTIMER:What are you doing, Kevin?

KEVIN:Daaahhhrrrr Me drawed a

potato!

MORTIMER:Youre supposed to be

drawing this on the hats! (Mortimer

pointed to the Creeps logo) Not Potatoes!

Whats wrong with you? Are you retarded

or something?

Kevins eyes welled up with tears, and his

bottom lip quivered.

MORTIMER:Oh jeez dont cry! Justgo

ahead and draw potatoes.

KEVIN:Yay! Potato! Potato! Potato!

I followed Mortimer out back where

dozens of Zombies were hard at work,

being supervised by a fat, blue-haired

clown.

MORTIMER:Fuggo! Order another box of

hats! That asshole is drawing potatoes

again!RIGGZ:So your kickstarter stated that you

would create one super-player from the

remains of several dead superstars. How

did that work out?

MORTIMER:Not too bad, I think. I need

some more practice with stitching, but it

was my first attempt at a Flesh Golem, so

Im pretty happy with the results.

RIGGZ:Which superstars did you use?

MORTIMER:Well, I wanted to make a big,

imposing guy. Fuggo found a dead

Mummy in some boneyard. It looked likehis head had been smashed with a rock,

so we just chopped it off and replaced it.

RIGGZ:With what?

MORTIMER:Another head.

RIGGZ:I mean whose head?

MORTIMER:Malarias.

RIGGZ:Oh, nice.

MORTIMER:We also took parts from

Mauhur, Gorefist, and Pluto.

RIGGZ:Isnt Pluto still alive?

MORTIMER:That would explain the

screams.

RIGGZ:Thats quite a collection there.

MORTIMER:We gave him the brain of

someone named Abby.

RIGGZ:Are you working on the home

stadium?

MORTIMER:Right now, were clearing

space for it on the west end of the

cemetery. We dig up the graves, I

reanimate the bodies, and we put them to

work.

RIGGZ:What are you going to call it?

MORTIMER:Well, part of the kickstarter

was that I would allow the backers to

name it. Right now the name with the

most suggestions is Smelly Fuck Dump.

RIGGZ:Thats unfor

I caught something out of the corner of

my eye and jumped to the left. A Zombie

swung a huge wooden sledgehammer atme. I just barely avoided it.

GALLAGHER:ITS SLEDGE-O-MATIC!!!

The Zombie swung again.

MORTIMER:Gallagher! I thought we took

that fucking thing away!

The Zombie chased after me, wildly

swinging the hammer, and yelling Sledge-

o-matic. I ran for the front gates, and kepton going, leaving my car behind.

I emailed Mr. Strange, asking if they would

return my car to me. He explained that a

family of badgers had moved out of his

washing machine and was now living in

my car.

Ive decided to buy a new car.

CREDITS: WFC & AFC PreviewsGeneral

Kale; AFC SouthSlam; Clever Curnts Corner

Jackal, Jounisii, Ken, Thsin, ScottishDunc,

Danton; All The Stuff That Sucks -

Astrospider

Date post:	01-Jun-2018
Category:	Documents
Upload:	crimsonsun
View:	221 times
Download:	0 times

OFL Blood Blotter Issue32

Documents