ON BEING A GENTLEMAN

BY

COUNT CARL-MAGNUS MALCOLM

VOLVO IKEA & SONSSTOCKHOLM, OSLO, LONDON

AND NEW YORK

COUNT CARL-MAGNUS MALCOLM AND WIFE.Photo by Fredrik Saab

COPYRIGHT, 1902, BY

CARL-MAGNUS MALCOLM

Printed in England

Published in November, 1902

ON BEING A GENTLEMAN

INTRODUCTION

A gentleman is unequivocally what every modern chap should aspire to be. What is a man if he is not gentle, honorable, and

stylish in all endeavors? Nothing! He is a worthless, sniveling, serf ! The gentleman is the greatest and most evolved iteration of the stronger sex ever to walk the earth. No man of noble birth should be uncouth, poorly dressed and styled, or cowardly. It is a most unfortunate fact that all too many so-called gentlemen of today are nothing more than monied serfs with only a bundle of rags twixt ear and ear. Of course, to be a gentleman is not easy. It is an intricate juggling act that requires a person of the higher order. A gentleman must be cultured and brave, he must be charming and witty, he must be well-dressed and exquisitely groomed, and, above all, he must defend his honor before all else! Any man can be a pussycat, but only an extraordinary man can be a tiger! As a gentleman’s gentleman myself, I will impart my precious knowledge, derived from years of nobility and wealth, to elevate any man (save for Negroes, farmhands, deserters, pirates, zoophiles, and Finns) to the status of a gentleman.

ON HONOR

NOTHING should be more important to a gentleman than his honor. Without honor, a man has nothing. This is

not strictly true, as a proper gentleman will have a great deal of valuable material goods without his honor, but without his honor, a gentleman will not truly be a gentleman. Any fellow can slather himself in mustache wax and demand satisfaction, but a gentleman has honor! A man of the higher order will stop at nothing to defend the honor of himself, his family, and his mistress. In the face of a challenge, a lesser man will become a cowering pussycat, but a gentleman will become a tiger! There is only one way for a gentleman to defend his honor: he must duel! I myself have fought a total of eighteen duels with any number of weapons. I have been injured six times, but never once have I died! A traditional duel occurs at first light with pistols, but honor transcends tradition. I have gone head to head with a pygmy in the Congo with nothing but a spear after the dark villain called me a white devil, and, by the hand of Zeus, I skewered that impudent Negro! The moral of this story is that a gentleman must never allow his honor or good name to be besmirched without demanding satisfaction, even from the smallest of African pygmies. Of course, the end goal of a duel need not always be to kill one’s opponent. For a gentleman, dishonor is a punishment worse than death. and to spare the life of one’s opponent shows

Chapter I

great generosity and humanity. Even the most dashing and daring gentlemen must sometimes show their softer side. Too much softness, however, will make a gentleman feminine and undesirable. Too much leniency is just as bad for one’s manhood as donning a petticoat and corset and dancing through the town square. A gentleman’s manhood must occasionally be tempered with shows of kindness, but, even more importantly, it must be maintained at all costs! The only thing less desirable to a woman than a Draconian is a stuble-faced lady. A gentleman who valiantly defends his honor and that of his lady will win the heart of any nubile lass. Especially when a lady is present or in question, a gentleman must always fight to defend his honor. To not do so would be a great sign of cowardice. Whenever another rogue dallies with his woman, a proper gentleman becomes a tiger! A tiger takes its prey from behind and, when women are concerned, a gentleman must always be a tiger.

ON STYLE

STYLE defines a gentleman. A proper gentleman can instantly be recognized by his expertly coiffed hair, his neatly waxed

mustache, his debonair manner of dress, and his smart monocle. A gentleman must learn to balance his exciting lifestyle of chivalry, adventure, and daring with the upkeep of his personal appearance. It takes some practice to maintain one’s dashing personal appearance in the jungle of Africa or amidst artillery fire, but a true gentleman can do it! A gentleman should always start his day with a hearty dose of pomade and mustache wax. Pomade should be applied until the hair is black and glistening like freshly pumped crude oil. The mustache should be waxed until a dumbbell can be hung from each side successfully. When pomade is not available, animal fat can be used in its stead. The precise kind of lard that is used will, of course, vary based on the locale. I have found that fat from a rhino provides superior hold, but the best shine can be obtained from a puffin’s fat. There is no suitable replacement for mustache wax and a gentleman must carry some with him always. A gentleman’s clothing is very nearly as important as his mustache. It must always be impeccable and exquisitely styled. A proper gentleman must keep in his wardrobe a coat of every type: tail, waist, morning, frock, and smoking (although the latter should never be worn in the company of a woman, as a gentleman should never express a desire to be comfortable in the presence of a lady).

Chapter II

GENTLEMEN IN PROPER ATTIRE.

ON TRANSPORTATION

A true gentleman never runs. Even when his wife, nay, his mistress, is being dallied with, a gentleman must maintain his

composure. Running may cause unsavory wrinkling of the ascot or nightshirt and must be avoided at all costs. Walking is always the preferred method of transportation as it allows a gentleman to twirl his mustache and/or his cane as he does so. When walking would be an unpleasantly lengthy affair, the gentleman may instead resort to a carriage or, weather permitting (so as not to require a reapplication of pomade), horseback. Horseback has the added advantage of allowing a gentleman to easily mock serfs while in transit. The enjoyment that a gentleman can derive from this must not be underestimated. Bicycles are an appropriate method of transportation for a gentleman, but they must only be ridden in a jaunty and carefree manner. A bicycle is appropriate for a Saturday ride through the country, perhaps with a special lady, but a horse and/or carriage is necessary for more serious and pressing affairs. A bicycle must never be ridden to a funeral or a duel. Gentlemen doctors must refrain from ridding a bicycle when conducting house calls. Bicycles must be reserved only for light-hearted and aimless occasions. The larger the difference between the size of the front and back wheel, the more light-hearted the occasion for use must be. A gentleman may keep several bicycles with differently-sized wheels for various occasions. Whenever possible, the paint should

Chapter III

match his waistcoat. When speed is of the essence but horseback is impractical (the gentleman does not let the presence of a roof over his head discourage him from traveling on horseback; in fact, many foyers and galleries can easily accommodate several horses abreast), the gentleman still does not resort to unsavory and pedestrian methods of hurried transportation such as running, skipping or galloping (the second must be avoided with additional fervor as skipping may upset the fine balance between a dandy and a man who enjoys having his powder packed by another chap). When a gentleman wants to get somewhere quickly, he has only one option– teleportation. A gentleman never lets another fellow dally in the loins of his woman while he casually and foppishly strolls down the street. When it comes to being a tiger or a pussycat, the gentleman always chooses the former, and that calls for teleportation!

A GENTLEMAN AND A BICYCLE SUITED TO INFORMAL OCCASIONS.

ON WOMEN

WOMEN are like monocles: one is good, but two are always better. Every gentleman needs not only a wife, but also a

fine, nubile mistress. A gentleman may be willing to tolerate other brutes dallying with this wife, but any man who attempts to seduce his mistress should immediately be met with the wrath of a tiger! A good wife should understand a gentleman’s need for the touch of multiple women. A wife who does not understand this should be disposed of in a socially acceptable manner. However, if a wife is good and understanding, a gentleman should let nothing come between her loins and his own. Mistresses are one thing, but when faced with a man who seeks to dally with his wife, a gentleman must become a tiger! Despite constant reeducation, some women may not be capable of wrapping their heads around a gentleman’s need for multiple lovers. Do not fret if this is the case, for women were not put on this earth to think as men can. Instead, simply say “to Satan’s boudoir with you, woman!” and carry on your philandering. If your wife is trained with weapons of any sort, however, this may not be advisable. Women are known to be very quick to anger due to the high internal temperatures of their wombs. If you fear that your wife may kill you in your sleep if you speak to her with a barbèd tongue, you must kill her as she sleeps first. There are any number of ways to go about this, but a gentleman never smothers. Once your wife has expired, take your mistress as your new wife

Chapter IV

and take a new mistress. If your mistress is married, challenge her husband to a duel to the death for her love (see Chapter I for notes on dueling). In short, the gentleman lets nothing stand between him and philandering. When faced with resistance, the gentleman becomes a tiger and strikes down all that oppose him with a stripèd fury! Alternatively, a gentleman can face the problem of a hot-headed and troublesome wife more diplomatically. In a gentleman does not wish to kill his wife yet wishes to continue seeing his mistress, he should put this too her in a cleverly worded manner. One line that has served me well is “I shall remain faithful until the great yawn do us part.” Of course, this method should only be undertaken by gentleman with copious wit and charm and a well-waxed mustache. Nothing puts a woman in her place quite like a rock hard mustache.