One Ugly PieNo Need for Goodbyes

Elmyra, “I’m glad you came. I know we haven’t spoken in a long time, but I just needed to speak with you. I just don’t want to miss this opportunity.”“Here I am. Are you ready to begin?”Elmyra, “Yes.”

Elmyra, “I’m sorry. For everything. I want to apologize for how stupid I was when I thought that arresting Loki would solve the case. That he had to be the culprit. I was just… just not thinking straight. I guess I was so caught up with trying to do something I really didn’t even think about what I was doing. When I saw that Servo there, I thought for certain I knew what was going on. But I was wrong. And I apologize.”

Miss Piggy, “Please tell me why you waited so long to tell me this? Were you afraid to admit you were wrong before?”Elmyra, “No! No… it wasn’t like that. It’s just that. After the trial I thought maybe… we weren’t friends anymore. I thought you hated me because of everything that happened. That’s why I didn’t tell you at first. I believed you wouldn’t listen.”Miss Piggy, “We’ve been friends for so long, Elmyra. What made you think I would just turn you away? I was upset that you came and took my husband away, but that feels so long ago.”Elmyra, “I’m sorry.”

Miss Piggy, “I accept your apology. Now I do hope you have more to say. It wasn’t easy getting here with my old body.”Elmyra, “I didn’t expect you to walk all the way here. Though I did wish to talk about how things were. You know, the fun times. Like… your birthday party. Remember? You invited Abhijeet and me over to celebrate.”Miss Piggy, “Yes, I remember. We played pool for hours before making it to the birthday cake.”

Miss Piggy, “I recall that the first thing I did the next morning was give myself a make-over. I don’t seem to remember why I had that hair style before, but it didn’t fit me.”Elmyra, “Even I changed my hair after growing up. It’s just a natural thing. Sometimes certain things just don’t feel as right as they used to. I seem to recall that you and Loki started dating around that time.”Miss Piggy, “Yes. After those first couple of dates, we’d hang out and I would tease about how awkward he was. It was so adorable.”Elmyra, “The time he serenaded you comes to mind.”

Miss Piggy, “The wedding. I will never forget that. His silly vows and that burning tree.”Elmyra, “Yes, the official wedding was amazing. Everyone was there.”Miss Piggy, “Everyone who could make it. I’m so happy he came back after running away the first time.”

Elmyra, “The children. Little Zael and baby Xerxes. And Marcie, your daughter. Outside of those early visits, I haven’t really heard much about them. Aren’t they like… some kind of band?”Miss Piggy, “I… I don’t really know. After Yarby was born, they grew up so fast. I just remember seeing them off to college. Except Marcie… I never…”

Elmyra, “I didn’t mean for you to…”Miss Piggy, “No. It’s just… when they took her, the memories of when it happened to me all came rushing back to my mind and… I couldn’t help but think of the worst. And since I never saw her again…”Elmyra, “P… Don’t worry. I’m sure she’s doing just fine. As I said, I seem to have heard that your kids are some kind of band. There are four members in that band and… you have four kids.”

Elmyra, “And being that could be the truth, then they’re all together. And no doubt having the time of their lives. Maybe they just don’t want to worry you. Or maybe Marcie is just afraid of how you might react.”

Elmyra, “Perhaps she’s playing a guitar and tearing it up like a rock god or something.”Miss Piggy, “But… I have to wonder why she just can’t take the time to call and say how she’s doing. I… I haven’t seen her in so long.”Elmyra, “Let’s…. Talk about… something else.”Miss Piggy, “…”Elmyra, “Remember… remember how you and I first met?”

Miss Piggy, “….. ….. I… I can’t seem to…. It feels like I’ve forgotten.”Elmyra, “Forgotten?”Miss Piggy, “I… I only seem bits and pieces. Nothing clear.”Elmyra, “Ok, well… I remember. We were in high school and you had just gotten off the bus. I decided to come with you, make friends and the like. And you told me this funny story about why you were late to school.”

"And then Servo broke the door down. The two of them grabbed me by my wrists and heels and dragged me onto the bus. I can't believe my mom could be so cruel. She's says she incredibly nice, but she forces her own sick daughter to go to school. I'm so glad you're an understanding friend, Elmyra."

Miss Piggy, “Is this what it’s about… The Servo again?”Elmyra, “….”Miss Piggy, “Is it?”Elmyra, “It is.”Miss Piggy, “…”Elmyra, “P, I remembered. I remembered that your family had a servo. Before Loki. And yet, it seemed to just disappear. Where did it go?”Miss Piggy, “…”

Miss Piggy, “I told it to go. I told that servo to leave the house.”Elmyra, “When did this happen?”Miss Piggy, “I told it to leave because… I already had friends I could count on. There was you. And Abhijeet. The both of you and many other friends I could rely on. I told the servo to go with him. When he left. I told the servo to go with Gargamel. Because he had no one but me. And I had to stay and be the heir.”

Miss Piggy, “I don’t know why I didn’t say this before. I don’t know why I blocked it out of my memory. It just… never occurred to me. There were so many other things on my mind. My parents were dead. I was the heir for the family. And my brother was a spare that had to make his own life. I didn’t want him to go alone. Not after learning what he lost.”Elmyra, “Don’t sweat it, P. With all those things on your shoulders, it’s understandable that the stress could have gotten to you. And… it’s ok. I’m just happy that… we’re friends.”Miss Piggy, “I’m sorry.”Elmyra, “No need to apologize. Just… come here and give me a hug.”

Elmyra, “I’m going to miss you.”“Yes, well. Are we finished hugging?”

Elizabeth, “I will say it again: are we quite finished?”Elmyra, “Oh sorry. I was just…”Elziabeth, “That was quite an unnecessary act on your part, woman.”Elmyra, “I just really care about my friend.”Elizabeth, “She is gone now, so any caring is no longer required in my general direction.”

Elmyra, “Thank you for giving me that opportunity to speak to her one last time.”Elizabeth, “Of course, such is one of many duties I am quite capable of performing. I trust you learned all that you wished from the departed?”Elmyra, “I have.”Elizabeth, “Very well. I have already told you the fee for my services, I trust you will be by my established propriety of business shortly.”Elmyra, “Yes. I’ll drop by in a few hours. I just need some time to myself.”Elizabeth, “Of course you do. When you are ready.”

Elizabeth, “I will be off then. Fare thee well.”Elmyra, “Thank you… again.”

Intermission

“Home again.”

Gargamel, “Hello. I’m back.”“It’s so good to see you again. How long has it been? It feels like it’s been nearly a year since I last saw you. How was Greece?”Gargamel, “Greek. Well, yea ok, I suppose it was alright. There was the typical scenery type stuff, but it’s not like I was there on holiday. I was there on business.”

Jill, “Of course, how silly of me. I didn’t mean to press you. I just thought maybe you at least took in some of the country while you were there. Did you and your team find what they were looking for?”Gargamel, “To a degree. We did find the cave. It had a rather unusual tunnel system. But in the end, it led to nothing but a dead end. We managed to find a few artifacts that remained behind, possibly over-looked by other relic hunters. Just not what we set out to discover.”

Jill, “No need to feel down. Not every venture results in treasure. And even if you didn’t quite find what it is you were hoping to discover in those damp caves, you’ll always have me to come back home to. Now come here and give me a hug. It’s been forever since I’ve held you in my arms.”

Gargamel, “I’ve really missed you.”Jill, “So have I, darling.”

Gargamel, “I’m going to change. These grimy work clothes feel disgusting. I wasn’t even able to really change into something decent the entire time and the location didn’t have a place to exactly wash them out.”Jill, “Such a shame. Oh! I just remembered something important while you were out. I don’t want to worry you at all, but the police came by while you were gone.”Gargamel, “Police?”

Gargamel, “Were we robbed or something? Please don’t tell me we had a break in.”Jill, “Nothing like that. I said the police came over, not I called them over.”Gargamel, “And why would they come to visit?”Jill, “They came because they wanted to talk to you. Apparently they wanted to ask you some questions about something. I think it was about a string of murders or something.”

Gargamel, “I don’t suppose this could wait for a while. I’m getting hungry and would like to eat.”Jill, “Of course, Gargamel. It can wait.”

Gargamel, “Besides all this cop business, what else happened around the house while I was gone? Surely you had other things to keep you busy.”Jill, “Well, I did hang out with the garden club a few times. Naturally, I kept the garden in check, since I did not want any of the plants to die.”Gargamel, “Anything else?”Jill, “Well… I just started digging through a lot of things.”

Jill, “That is to say, after the cops came buy, I started thinking back. Thinking why they would possibly come here and ask. They talked to the Smiths before coming here. Whatever they learned from them, it lead them here to you. So…”Gargamel, “Didn’t I ask for this to continue after I’ve eaten?”Jill, “I know I’m sorry.”

Jill, “It’s just, I started getting scared. About you. Because after they left, I remembered. I remembered who you were before we got married. When we were just roommates. And do you know what I remembered?”

Carmen, “I remembered that before you were a relic hunter, you were a criminal mastermind.”

Gargamel, “I see exactly where this is going. Listen, I’m not going to deny it because it is the truth. Yes I was a criminal mastermind. Yes I did some pretty terrible things. But think about this for a moment: what exactly does a criminal mastermind do? Every night I came home, I came home with money. Nothing more, nothing less. That was money I earned.”

Carmen, “And you earn money by killing people?”Gargamel, “No. Whoever heard of such an off the wall thing? As a criminal mastermind and almost any position in the criminal career, we all earn our money through theft, counterfeiting, selling illegal goods, and blackmail. Nothing at all involving killing anyone.”Carmen, “And that is to make me feel much better?”Gargamel, “How else would you explain why such openings are available under the help wanted section?”

Jill, “Well, I suppose I really don’t have an explanation. And the newspaper does have such offerings in the job section. I guess since all you’re doing is just stealing and not hurting people, it’s alright.”Gargamel, “I think the best way to put it is… think of me as one of the guys from those Ocean movies. I’m stealing from the really bad people.”

Jill, “Next time, we should have spaghetti. Much more filling than simple sandwiches.”Gargamel, “It’s after dinner. We were going to talk about that visit. Remember?”Jill, “Well, they came over and they wanted to ask you some questions. Of course, you weren’t home at the time so I told them so, thinking that it might have just been only you that they wanted to speak with.”

Gargamel, “What did you tell them?”Jill, “I told them you weren’t here and I had no real way of contacting you or even know when you would be back.”Gargamel, “And they left?”Jill, “Not immediately. They asked one more thing before they left: if we owned a servo.”Gargamel, “Why would they ask that?”Jill, “That was what was committing the murders. Gargamel…”

Carmen, “Where is our servo?”Gargamel, “What?”Carmen, “Where is the servo? It’s a simple question. Where is it?”

Gargamel…