August 21,2019 Your success. . . . . is our business! Volume 14, Issue 6 “T “T HE HE H H OTTEST OTTEST L L ITTLE ITTLE P Pa PER PER I I N N T T OWN OWN !” !” FREE tAKE oNE Distributed 1st & 3rd Wednesday of each month by OPG Dekalb, Inc. PO Box 33, Cortland, IL 60112 For advertising rates go to www.opgdekalb.com Contact Tim at [email protected]or 815-501-0705 Cortland Hinckley Kirkland Somonauk Sycamore Sandwich P orange peel gazette - dekalb co. G O Dekalb Genoa Kingston Shabbona Waterman Malta 815.739.2499 320 W State Street Sycamore, IL 60178 www.WillowRE.com [email protected]156 W St[t_ Str__t Sy][mor_, IL 60178 Jayne Menne Managing Broker/Owner Drum Problem There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Vari- ous attempts were made to do something about the child. One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar. A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy medita- tion exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked. Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?" •There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. 815.756.6325 ManningFord.com 402 Manning Drive - DeKalb, IL *Only Model Years 2000 & Newer We will buy Your Car! 855-382-5422 FREE planning services All Planning services are complimentary Minimal deposit with a personalized payment plan Trip monitoring for additional discounts We are authorized Disney vacation planners, customizing each trip to your families needs. [email protected]for all Disney destinations, Royal Caribbean, & Sandals Step into Adventure
Transcript
August 21,2019 Your success. . . . . is our business! Volume 14, Issue 6
Distributed 1st & 3rd Wednesday of each month by OPG Dekalb, Inc. PO Box 33, Cortland, IL 60112For advertising rates go to www.opgdekalb.com Contact Tim at [email protected] or 815-501-0705
banged a drum all day and lovedevery moment of it. He would not bequiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Vari-ous attempts were made to do something about thechild.
One person told the boy that he would, if hecontinued to make so much noise, perforate hiseardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for thechild, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating wasa sacred activity and should be carried out only onspecial occasions. The third person offered theneighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave theboy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books thatdescribed a method of controlling anger throughbiofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy medita-tion exercises to make him placid and docile. Noneof these attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with aneffective motivation. He looked at the situation,handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked,"I wonder what's inside the drum?"
•There are 3 kinds of people: those who cancount & those who can't.
815.756.6325ManningFord.com
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*Only Model Years 2000 & Newer
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All Planning services are complimentary Minimal deposit with a personalized payment plan Trip monitoring for additional discounts We are authorized Disney vacation planners, customizing each trip to your families needs.
i n f o@ s t e p i n t o a d v e n t u r e . c om
for all Disney destinations, Royal Caribbean, & Sandals
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oranGe PeeL GaZeTTe - DeKalb County editionGreat rates - Great results - Call Today! (815) 501-0705
Page 2
Chicken or the Egg? Recently a friend and I went out to eat late one
Sunday morning. I was torn between ordering fromthe restaurant's breakfast or lunch menus, and finallyasked the server to bring me both a chicken sandwichand an order of scrambled eggs. When she left, I saidto my friend, "I wonder if I've just committed a fauxpas."
"I don't think so, but I AM wondering which onewill come first."
Pick One Our family was attending a wedding, and I sat next
to my mom, who had my youngest sister on her lap.The groom was standing at the front as the brides-maids walked up the aisle one by one.
Growing restless, my sister looked up at my momand said, "So why doesn't he just hurry up and pickone?"
Frozen Turkeys A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at
the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough forher family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeysget any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
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oranGe PeeL GaZeTTe - DeKalb County editionAdvertising starts At Just $24 per issue! contact Tim at [email protected]
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Diet Workshop Everyone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop
leader began her lecture on the week's topic - theproblems of dining out. She talked about alternatives,such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and hav-ing meat broiled instead of fried. Finally she turnedthe question over to the group for discussion. "What isthe greatest problem you encounter when going out toeat?"
Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"
New Boat Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in
the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, Califor-nia, some folks, new to boating, were having prob-lems. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't gettheir brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggishin almost every maneuver, no matter how much powerwas applied. After about an hour of trying to make itgo, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someonethere could tell them what was wrong. A thoroughtopside check revealed everything in perfect workingcondition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went upand down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water tocheck underneath. He came up choking on water, hewas laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strappedsecurely in place, was the trailer.
New Glasses A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eye-
glasses that she had purchased for her husband a weekbefore.
"What seems to be the problem, madam?" "I'm returning these glasses I bought for my hus-
band. He's still not seeing things my way."
At the Restaurant We took the family to one of those restaurants
where the walls are plastered with movie memora-bilia. I went to see the hostess about reserving a table.
When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughterstaring at a poster of Superman standing in a phonebooth. She looked puzzled.
"Doesn't she know who Superman is?" I whisperedto my husband.
"Worse," he replied, "she doesn't know what aphone both is."
•Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it killsall of its students.
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Newspaper Errors A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle.
There are 1,730 of them published daily in the UnitedStates with a combined circulation of nearly 62 mil-lion. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human andmechanical. Add the crushing pressure of deadlines,and it's surprising there aren't more mistakes.
When goofs do occur, editors scurry to print cor-rections, even though we often prefer the misprint tothe corrected version. Here just a few samples:
1. IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundredsof parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy SkyDiving book, please make the following correction: onpage 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should haveread "pull rip cord."
2. It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today isT-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually TeacherAppreciation Day.
3. There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeksago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a partyat crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.
4.From a California bar association's newsletter: Cor-rection -- the following typo appeared in our last bul-letin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please orrectto read "12 noon."
5. We apologize to our readers who received, throughan unfortunate computer error, the ages of all mem-bers of the Female Wrestlers Association instead ofthe figures on the sales of soybeans to foreign coun-tries.
6. In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Var-ney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She isa typesetter.
7. There are two important corrections to the informa-tion in the update on our Deep Relaxation professionaldevelopment program. First, the program will includemeditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential,not experimental.
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8/24 Kirkland Historical Society Annual Golf Outing will beheld @ Timber Pointe Golf Course, 5750 Woodstock Rd.,Poplar Grove, IL. 11:30 check-in. Italian Dinner served at6:00 PM. Contact Jean Klock at 815 761-3100.
9/18 The Kirkland Historical Society Fall Meeting will beheld on at 7PM at the Olson Chapel, 309 S. 5th St., Kirkland.The program will be “Kirkland’s Hemp Mill” by ConnieWorden. All are welcome-Refreshments will be served.9/20 First Congregational Church, 615 N 1st St, DeKalb,TACOS for TOTS fundraiser supper for DeKalb Co layetteprogram. $10 adult - $5 children 4 and under. 5 - 7 pm.815-758-0691
9/7 Swiss Steak supper---Kingston U.M. Church. 5 and6:15. Carry-outs and gift certs. available. Adults $ 10.00.815-784-2010.9/7 Movies for Adults at the Cortland Library will show thefilm Man on Wire starting at 7pm. Free.
oranGe PeeL GaZeTTe - DeKalb County editionConnecting Customers and Businesses. . .That’s what we Do Best!
Page 4
8/30 Cubs VS Brewers, 2nd Bus Added! Leaving FVCC 10a.m. Return 6 p.m. Includes Coach Bus, Ticket with terraceseating. Call 815-786-9404
09/14 Tails Humane Society-5K Mutt Strut Event-HopkinsPark, DeKalb, IL -10:00 am - $30 for Adults, $15 for youthrunners, Free for Youth Walkers. Register at: www.tailshu-manesociety.org/muttstrut
9/13-15 Huge multi-family Garage sale at 630 Van Horne AveEsmond 8am-6pm Cash Only variety of collectibles, Harley,New Items, tools , Toys
oranGe PeeL GaZeTTe - DeKalb County edition“The hoTTesT LiTTLe PaPer in Town”
Page 5
8. Our article about Jewish burial customs containedan error: Mourners' clothing is rent -- that is, torn --not rented.
9. In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighterDwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in thedepartment is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nick-named "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.
10. Just to keep the record straight, it was the famousWhistler's Mother, not Hitler's, that was exhibited.There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain howthis error occurred.
11. Our newspaper carried the notice last week thatMr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force.This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, ofcourse, a detective on the police farce.
12. Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk wasgiven by a bottle-scared hero. We apologize for theerror. We obviously meant that the talk was given by abattle-scarred hero.
13. In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman ofChrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real nameis Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.
14. Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson'swife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House."I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out theword "sheep."
15. In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccu-rate number of jalapeno peppers was given forJeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe.The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno pep-pers.
16. The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg andWillie Branton, which was announced in this paper afew weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to cor-rect.
The Operation A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a compli-
cated operation, and found that the curtains weredrawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed," hesaid. "Is it night?"
A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fireacross the street, and we didn't want you waking upand thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."
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oranGe PeeL GaZeTTe - DeKalb County edition“The hoTTesT LiTTLe PaPer in Town”
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Old Apartment I had just moved from an apartment to a house in
the same small town. One day at the grocery store, Iused the last of my personalized checks bearing myold address. The cashier examined the document andasked if everything on it was correct. I assured her thatit was, and she started to put the check in the cashdrawer. But then she inquired again if everything wasaccurate.
"Why do you ask?" I responded. "Because," she replied, "my husband and I moved
to this apartment yesterday, and I don't remember see-ing you at breakfast."
The Old Junker His beloved old white convertible was in de-
plorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. So whenthe old junker was stolen from his office parking lot,his family was delighted. Nonetheless, they called thepolice and filed an insurance claim.
Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an offi-cer was on the phone. "We found the car less than amile away," he said, trying to restrain himself. "It hada note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd ratherwalk.'"
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New Nurse A newly hired nurse listened while the doctor was
yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" She asked another nurse, "Why is he going on like
that?" The experienced nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to
call the shots around here."
New Number We telemarketers know we're universally loathed.
Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone. One day I called a number and asked to speak with
Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained thathe no longer lived at that address, but she did have anumber where he could be reached.
I thanked her, rang that number, and was greetedwith, "Good morning, Highland View Cemetery."
New Sign Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a
roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables, and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman be-
hind the counter was painting a sign. "Why the new sign?" I asked. "My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she
said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I
understood. It declared, "Local Honey, Dates, Nuts."
Newlywed Repairs A man came home from the office and found his
new bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," shetold him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a bighole in the seat of your trousers."
"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Re-member that I've got an extra pair of pants for thatsuit."
"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said thewoman, drying her eyes. "I was able to use a piecefrom them to patch the hole!"
Nice Try My husband's uncle thought he had conquered his
problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and,also, their anniversary. He opened an account with aflorist, provided that florist with the dates and instruc-tions to send flowers to his wife on these dates alongwith an appropriate note signed, "Your loving hus-band."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of atten-tion and all went well until one day when he camehome he saw a boquet, kissed his wife and saidoffhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you getthem?"
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oranGe PeeL GaZeTTe - DeKalb County editionadvertising starts at Just $24 per issue! contact Tim at [email protected]
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oranGe PeeL GaZeTTe - DeKalb County editionConnecting Customers and Businesses. . .That’s what we Do Best!
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Hazards of ChocolateI have been doing a lot of reading about the hazardsof chocolate. For my New Year's resolution, I amquitting it totally. 100%. Completely. That's right,starting next week absolutely no more reading!
New Year's Dinner As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife
and I faced the annual conflict of which was moreimportant - the football games on television, or thedinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the restof the family, and even lingered for some pleasantafter-dinner conversation before retiring to the fam-ily room to turn on the game.
Several minutes later, my wife came downstairsand graciously even brought a cold drink for me. Shesmiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what thescore was. I told her it was the end of the third quar-ter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.
"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn'tmiss a thing."
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oranGe PeeL GaZeTTe - DeKalb County edition“The hoTTesT LiTTLe PaPer in Town”
Page 11
Noise Abatement "Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn
right 45 degrees for noise abatement." "Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000
feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir," the radar operator replied, "have you ever
heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
NMF... A client called to report an accident and ask if her
insurance rates would go up. "Our underwriting de-partment determines that", I replied. Then I asked forher license number. Verifying her information, I said,"NMF? Is that 'N' as in Nancy, 'M' as in Mary, and 'F'as in Frank?"
"Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tellyour underwriters that it's also 'N' as in Not, 'M' as inMy, and 'F' as in fault?"
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oranGe PeeL GaZeTTe - DeKalb County edition“The hoTTesT LiTTLe PaPer in Town”
Page 13
Official ID Card My husband, a U.S. Coast Guard pilot, was on an
exchange tour with the Royal Navy in England.Everyone who drove through the base's gates was re-quired to hold an official ID card up to the windshieldfor inspection by the guards.
As a friendly competition, my husband's squadronstarted flashing different forms of ID, such as a dri-ver's license, just to see how far they could go to foolthe busy guards.
The winner? The fellow who breezed past wavinga piece of toast.
No Talking After my husband and I had a huge argument, we
ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally,on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was."Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."
He looked confused. "What are you talkingabout?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you forthree days?" I challenged.
"No," he said, "I just thought we were gettingalong."
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oranGe PeeL GaZeTTe - DeKalb County editionadvertising starts at Just $24 per issue! contact Tim at [email protected]
Page 14
Not Likely.....In my sociology class, we were instructed to write
down answers to some questions the teacher was ask-ing.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "Howwould you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the youngwoman next to me turned and asked, "How do youspell 'intellectual?'"
Paid by the Week A building contractor was being paid by the week
for a job that was likely to stretch over several months.He approached the owner of the property and held upthe check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dol-lars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaidyou two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occa-sional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel Ihave to call it to your attention."
•Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
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(Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable.Accuracy however cannot be guaranteed. All humorous storiesand jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to disrespect or harm any groupor individuals. Ads appearing in this paper are not to be considered as an endorsement or validation by Orange PeelGazette for products or services offered.)
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oranGe PeeL GaZeTTe - DeKalb County editionGreat rates - Great results - Call Today! (815) 501-0705
Page 15
Opee Gazette says: Let’s Play!Who Wants To Be A Zillionaire?
No Excuse Sunday An excerpt from a real church bulletin
To make it possible for everyone to attend churchnext Sunday we are going to have a special "No Ex-cuse Sunday".
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say"Sunday is my only day to sleep in". We will havesteel helmets for those who think the church is toocold, and fans for those who say it is too hot. We willhave hearing aids for those who say "The Priest talkstoo softly", and cotton for those who say he preachestoo loudly. Score cards for those who wish to list hyp-ocrites present. Some relatives will be in attendancefor those who like to go visiting on Sundays. Therewill be TV dinners for those who can't go to Churchand cook dinner also. One section will be devoted totrees and grass for those who like to see God in Na-ture. Finally the Sancuary will be decorated with bothChristmas pointsettias and Easter Lillies for those whohave never seen the church without them.
$760,000 Question...What is the food tofu made from?A) Soy beans B) TongueC) Liver D) Eggplant $761,000 Question...Annie Mae Bullock became famous as...?A) May West B) Tina TurnerC) Janis Joplin D) Katy Perry
$762,000 Question...What is the state capitol of New Jersey?A) Freehold B) Atlantic CityC) Newark D) Trenton$763,000 Question...This was first successfully transmitted in the 1953?A) News B) Color TVC) Radio D) Telephone$764,000 Question...Who sold Louisiana to the USA in 1803? A) Napoleon B) King of EnglandC) Sitting Bull D) John Lennon$765,000 Question...In 1979 Woolworths, the first 5/10 cent store, startedin this state?A) New York B) PensylvaniaC) Florida D) Georgia
$766,000 Question...Who is the only president elected unopposed?A) Lincoln B) JeffersonC) WashingtonD) Taft$767,000 Question...Which countries men use the most deodorant?A) USA B) FranceC) Italy D) Japan
oranGe PeeL GaZeTTe - DeKalb County editionadvertising starts at Just $24 per issue! contact Tim at [email protected]
Page 16
Old Words - New Meanings •Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves
Arby's to work at McDonald's •Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bull-
fighter tries to do •Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines
fall •Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching
a mortgage •Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees
with •Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate •Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ : Workers
who put together kitchen cabinets •Eclipse \ee-klips' \ : What a Cockney barber
does for a living •Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthal-
mologist •Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does •Left Bank \left' bangk' \ : What the robber did
when his bag was full of loot •Misty \mis-tee' \ : How golfers create divots •Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ : Two physicians •Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \: What you see from
the top of the EiffelTower •Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ : A helper on the
farm •Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ : What penguins see with •Primate \pri'-mate' \ : Removing your spouse
from in front of the TV •Relief \ree-leef' \ : What trees do in the spring •Selfish \sel'-fish' \ : What the owner of a
seafood store does •Subdued \sub-dood' \ : Like, a guy who, like,
works on one of those, like, submarines, man •Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ : Brought litigation
against a government official
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