confessionsour

confessionsour

Ruth A. JahjaWoodbury University

Spring 2010

I’m sitting in my room, alone, my sanctuary. I looked outside; you were smiling and waving at me. At me? You walked toward me and asked if I can let you in, and I’m welcome you.

I adore you and want to keep you by my side forever. But you started to get bored and restless, so I gave you my heart to play with. I told you I’ll be gone for a while and you told me that everything will be just fine.

But when I came home, you hold two hearts in your hands. “I don’t need this one”, you told me as you returned my heart to me. But I’m too stunned, my hand slipped and my heart shattered on the ground. “Ooooh, you shouldn’t have trusted me in the first place”, you said as you walk away.

So I closed all windows, locked every door, chained the gate, put barbed wire on the fence, and secure what’s left of my heart inside a protected safe…

naive

I love you. I lay my head on your shoulder. You kissed my forehead softly and said how much you like me. I think we belong together. I wrapped my arms around you. You looked me in the eyes and told me that I deserve a better one.

You’re the best I ever had. My tears were ready to fall down. You smiled and said that you’re flatter but I think too highly of you. I’ll do anything for you. A drop fallen from the corner of my eye, travel down my cheek, and landed on your shoulder. You turned around, wiped my tears, gave me a hug and asked me to let you go.

Why do you have to walk away? Am I not good enough for you? I could be better looking. I will be nicer. I’ll be everything you want me to be.

Please stay. I begging you. I don’t know what to do without you. I can’t live without you. Please don’t leave me alone…

stay

And I’m living my normal life. Exhausted and restless life I used to know. It is not exactly full with rainbow color madness but I’m picking up my pace. Life is great, or so I thought.

Until the numbers I used to see three times a day flashing on my cell phone’s screen. Then the world seems stop and start moving backward to the time and space where everything at its peak of perfection. You’re holding my hand, butter-flies in my stomach, and sweetness in the air.

But as soon as I remembered the sweet feeling, memories seems to fast forward and harshly throw me into another space. A place where all the flowers turn withered, all the butterflies are crushed, and light is nowhere to be found.

This cycle has been going on and on in an endless loops. All those feelings start to overwhelm me while my phone rings pierce through my ears…

phonecall

You told me how much you love me and I swear I love you more than that. We have a close-to-perfect relationship and I treasured all the time I spent with you. I have to admit I enjoy every second I spent with you. I thought this is one of those relationships that could be last for a very long time.

We do have a long lasting relationship, but as close friends not as lovers. I guess you don’t love me that much to look past our difference. I wish I could rip off my skin and my face, show you my flesh and bones, prove to you that we are same human being at the core.

Strip our unnecessary differences such as ethnicity, religion, class, age group, and all the artificial differences that created by societies. Can’t you see me as whom I really am? Why can’t you see it through those barriers? Isn’t love suppose to conquer it all? Or is it just one of your lame excuses to leave me? Either way, I’m still in love with you...

differences

Baby I miss you. It’s been a week since the last time that I heard from you and I hate this. I miss talking you, I miss your jokes, I miss your sweet words, and all your silliness. That’s my only comforts to get through every day since I’m cannot physically hold you.

And now my insecurity and jealousy begin to haunt me. I start to think that you don’t want me, that you’ve found youself a new partner, and start to wonder what I did to push you away. I need you to tell me you want me, that I’m pretty and desirable. I want you to hug,me, embrace me, and comfort me as soon as possible.

Unfortunately, my desperate signals for human contacts are received by everyone else but you. Thus, I easily got my temporary comfort from everybody. Please forgive me for being selfishly unreasonable. But at the end of the day, I miss you even more! Please come home soon so I can hug you tighly and kiss you softly...

i miss you

Hey, adorable..! Why do you have to be so irresistibly funny and gorgeous? You charmed me with those witty smiles and the total tenderness. You demand my full attention, the only visible color for my eyes when the rest of the world rendered as gray, the loudest voice to my ears in this noisy street.

You seduce me with those sweet words that you whisper softly, a music to my ears. How could I say ‘no’ to your seduction? Now I can’t seem to get enough of you. I think I’m falling for you. I know you’re aware of that. and we both agree this feeling is mutual.

And yes, it is too obvious to see after we shared those affectionate kisses. It is all your fault for making me longing for your warmth. And I’m restlessly waiting for the next time I can finally feel your presence again. Just one very small problem my love, we both know that I’m still committed with someone else…

falling for you

I’m in love with you. Cross that, I was. I know we have something special, a con-nection worth fighting for. Thus, we tried to make this work, through different time and space, using every means possible and humanely available for us.

We tried our best to keep this flame alive, so hard that I’ve sacrifice as much as my time to virtually be with you. After years of fighting, I hate to confess that distance got the best of me. I’ve been starring at the projections of you for way too long and I suddenly realize I don’t recognize who I fall in love with in the first place.

Our commitment became less than pleasurable. As a matter of fact, it became a burden for both of us, preventing us to live our physical life to the fullest. It started to limit everything we could possibly do. I can’t do this anymore. If you still care about me, please set me free, please let me go. I don’t want us to hurt each other even more...

in a relationship

You are mature, smart, the image of perfection. I respected you, and unutterably flatter when you shower me with your affection. You might be too perfect for me. And my fear indeed came true.

You start pointing out my imperfections. At first you picked on the way I clothed, my outer appearance, and my signs of deviancies. Maybe you are right. I starred closely at the mirror; I can’t saw the confident person I used to be.

You then criticized my friends, my passion,and my lifestyle. I think you have a point. I slowly peeked at the mirror; I see a worthless self.

You‘ve convinced me that I am ugly and stupid. A talentless being. An undesirable creature. A far cry image of perfection. I should be grateful that you still want me, right…?

perfection