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Overcoming ShameBy Nilesh Mandlecha
(Psychologist & MBA in Human Resource Development)
Examples of ShameMobile lost - video of sex with wife got viral on social media - suicide
CA Pass declared in paper but actually failed
Divorce or Separation Loud fights between families
Extra Marital Relationship revealed
Cloths you put or your partner putting
Not taking care of parent Jailed
Fired from Job Failed in Exam
Living in areas which surrounded by hut
Psychiatric Problem
Alcoholic in Family Erectile dysfunction
Stealing Weakness reveled
Shame-Related Inferences
Shame-Related Inferences1) I have Fallen short of my Ideal
2) I have let Down my reference Group
3) I have been let Down by a member of my Reference Group
4) Others are Judging me Negatively
What is reference group?• A reference group is a group with whom a person
closely identifies. • A person probably has a number of reference
groups in his life. Example - family, friendship groups, religious group & cultural group.
• Each group has some rules and if person breaks the rules the group would consider that he has let them down.
• The inference that person has let down a reference group may or may not be accurate
Shame-Related Inferences1) I have Fallen short of my Ideal• Broken some Social Code -
Example - Sara BPCA food
• Shame is often experienced when others are physically present -
• Imagines others are physically present - Imagine others have discovered what you did (or did not do)Example - Chembur Client
People who feel ashamed do so because they infer that
a) They have fallen short in their behaviour
b) In what they think or imagine
c) In what they feel
d) In some aspect of their physical self
(Behave - Think - Feel - Physical Body)
People who feel ashamed do so because they infer that
a) The Person has fallen short in his behaviour (what person did or what he failed to do) i) Person did something that constitutes a weakness in his eyes - Example - Crying in public, Acting foolishly in public
ii) Person identifies an incident where he broke a social code -
Example - Spoke about taboo topic in front of a group
iii) Person identifies an incident where he failed to live up to his social code
Example - He considers it to be important to treat people politely but failed to treat a waiter with politeness
People who feel ashamed do so because they infer that
b) The person focuses on his thoughts and imagesand feel ashamed about.
Examples -• He thinks of harming his child.
• He pictures himself having sex with a member of his own gender when he is not gay.
• He thinks blasphemous(ति�रस्का�र�) thoughts.(Blasphemous - Irreverent or impious words and actions especially against something religious. If you draw Jesus Christ wearing lipstick, Spitting on a cross or call Buddha a fat slob)
People who feel ashamed do so because they infer that
c) The person focuses on his emotions and how he expresses them.
Examples -• Feels unhealthily angry towards significant
others or shows anger in a ‘nasty’ way
• Feels maliciously envious towards a friend who is rich and skillful
• Demonstrates unhealthy jealousy in public
People who feel ashamed do so because they infer that
d) The person focuses on his body - • The person might feel ashamed of some
aspect of his body that he considers to be particularly unattractive.
Examples – • A nose she considers to be too big
• Buttocks/thighs she considers to be too fat
• Breasts she considers too large or too small
Shame-Related Inferences2) I have let Down my reference Group – When a person feels ashamed about letting down a reference group, then:
a) Person breaks rules of a valued reference group.
b)Person thinks that the group ‘feels’ let down by him.Examples:• Marry out of his religion• Get caught stealing• Display emotion in public
What is reference group?• A reference group is a group with whom a person
closely identifies. • A person probably has a number of reference
groups in his life. Example - family, friendship groups, religious group & cultural group.
• Each group has some rules and if person breaks the rules the group would consider that he has let them down.
• The inference that person has let down a reference group may or may not be accurate
Shame-Related Inferences3) I have been let Down by a member of
my Reference Group - When member of persons reference
group has broken one of the group’s ‘let down’ rules and then thinks that the person has let him and the group down.
Examples -• Married out of the person’s religion.• Got caught stealing.• Displayed emotion in public
Shame-Related Inferences4) Others are Judging me Negatively -• It is difficult for a person to feel ashamed without
making the inference that another person, but more frequently a group of people, judge her negatively.
• Again, whether or not these people are actually making such negative judgements is not as important as whether the person thinks they are.
• The person’s feelings of shame are more likely to be acute if the group judging her negatively is physically present, but such feelings can also be present if person thinks about the group making such negative judgements.
Shame-Related Inferences4) Others are Judging me Negatively – Examples• Others communicate their displeasure at
the person directly.• Others communicate their disgust at the
person directly.• Others turn away from the person in
disgust.• Others demonstrate that they look down
on the person (Buddhist, Muslim)• Others ignore the person.
The Major Shame Based negative Self-Judgments
The Major Shame-Based negative Self-Judgments• ‘I am defective’• ‘I am insignificant’• ‘I am not good enough’• ‘I am weak/pathetic’• ‘I am disgusting’
Difference Between Guilt and Shame
Difference Between Guilt and Shame(Both involve self depreciation but they differ)
Guilt ShameIn Guilt you only tend to depreciate yourself about your own behaviour and standard
You can feel ashamed not only about your own behaviour but also the behaviour of members of social group with whom you closely identify
You will not talk about brining guilt on your family
You may talk about bringing shame on your family but you will not talk about brining guilt on your family
Guilt is about self disapproval
Shame is about others disapproval
Difference Between Guilt and Shame(Both involve self depreciation but they differ)
Guilt ShameI must not have done this, and I am a bad person for having done it.
I failed to achieve a standard I had set for myself in a social context, so I am less of a person.
Self is seen strong -In Guilt, one views self as a powerful person who could have exercised power and not to have done it
Self is seen weak -In Shame, one views self as a weak person and not having achieved a pre-set standard
How to identify
your shame?
To identify your shame related inference ask your self following questions
• What did I feel most ashamed about in the situation I was in?
• When I felt shame
a) What negative thing about me (or others
with whom I identify) was revealed?
b) In what way I think I fell very short of my
ideal?
c) What did I think others thought about me
(or others with whom I identify)?
Use the magic question technique
If you still cannot identify your shame-related inference
Use the magic question technique• Focus on the situation in which you felt
ashamed
• Without changing the situation, ask yourself:
What one thing would eliminate or significantly reduce my shame?
• The opposite is what you’re most ashamed about.
If you still cannot identify your shame-related inference
Use the magic question techniqueHere’s how Rupesh used this technique:• I felt ashamed when I got a lower second
degree.
• If I didn’t think I had significantly underperformed, I wouldn’t have felt ashamed.
• I felt most ashamed about significantly underperforming on my degree
Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related Inference and Examples
Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related Inference1) Shame about Falling short of an Ideal
Rigid Belief:‘I must not fall short of my idealSelf Depreciation Belief:‘. . . and because I have fallen short, I am an inadequate person’
Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related Inference1) Shame about Falling short of an Ideal
Situation: Rajesh’s ideal was to handle matters without showing anger. One day at work he lost his temper in front of his work colleagues.
Rigid Belief:‘I must not lose my temper in public
Self Depreciation Belief:…and because I have lost temper in public, I am an inadequate person.’
Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related Inference2) Shame about Letting down a reference group
Rigid Belief: ‘I must not let my reference group down’Self Depreciation Belief:‘. . . and because I have let them down, I am a shameful person’
Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related Inference2) Shame about Letting down a reference group
Situation: Pratik belongs to a gang whose code of honor is always to support one another no matter what. Let’s suppose further that Pratik breaks that code by failing to support another gang member, thus letting down the gang.
Rigid Belief: I absolutely should not have betrayed my fellow gang member.
Self Depreciation Belief:‘...and because I did, I am a shameful person.’
Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related Inference3) Shame about being let Down by a member of her Reference group
Rigid Belief: ‘A member of my reference group must not let me and the group down’
Self Depreciation Belief:‘. . . and because they have let us down, it proves that we are inadequate’
Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related Inference3) Shame about being let Down by a member of his Reference groupSituation: One of Aditi reference group that she is member considers crying in public to be a ‘let down’. One day, Ritesh, a member of Aditi’s reference group, cried in front of others: she viewed this as Ritesh letting her reference group down. Aditi felt ashamed of Ritesh’s ‘let down’ behaviour
Rigid Belief:‘Ritesh absolutely should not have broken down in tears in front of other peopleSelf Depreciation Belief: ‘……and because he did it proves that we are all (in our reference group) inadequate, weak, spineless individuals.’
Rational and Irrational Beliefs about shame some Examples
Irrational Belief (Shame)
Rational Belief (Disappointment)
Rigid Belief:I absolutely should not have revealed a weakness by crying in front of my boss
Flexible Belief: I wish that I hadn’t revealed a weakness by crying in front of my boss, but there is no reason why I absolutely shouldn’t have done so
Self Depreciation Belief: If I show a weakness to my boss by crying in front of him, then I am a weak, defective person.
Unconditional Self Acceptance Belief:If I cry in front of my boss and thus reveal a weakness to him, this does not make me a weak, defective person. Rather I am a fallible human being who on this occasion acted weakly.
Irrational Belief (Shame)
Rational Belief (Disappointment)
Rigid Belief:I must not stammer in public and if I do this would prove that I am defective
Flexible Belief: I would much prefer it if I did not stammer in public, but there is no reason why I must not do so. If I stammer in public this would only prove that I am a fallible human being with a speech defect. I would not be a defective person
Self Depreciation Belief: If I stammer, people will laugh at me which they must not do. If they laugh at me, this will prove once again that I am defective
Unconditional Self Acceptance Belief:There is no reason why people must not laugh at me if I stammer, although I would much prefer it if they didn’t. But if they do I can once again accept myself as a person with a speech defect. If they think I am a defective person, they are wrong.
Chronic shame based General Rational Belief
How to deal with Chronic Shame
I must ensure that I and people with whom I am closely connected must always achieve the highest of standards and be socially approved and if not it proves that we are defective disgusting or diminished.
I would like to ensure that I and people with whom I am closely connected always achieve the highest standards and be socially approved, but I do not have to do so. If I do not it would be unfortunate, but it would prove that we are not defective, disgusting or diminished. Rather, it would prove that we are fallible human beings and that does not change whether or not we are humiliated and disapproved of.
Irrational Belief (Shame)
Rational Belief (Disappointment)
I must not fall short of my high social standards, and I am defective if I do
I really don’t want to fall very short of my high social standards, but that does not mean that I must not do so. If I do that It would be unfortunate, but it would not prove that I am defective. Rather it proves that I am fallible.
Irrational Belief -Dealing with Shame about Shame (Shame)
Rational Belief -Dealing with shame about shame (Disappointment)
I must not fall from grace by experiencing shame and I am defective for so doing
I would much prefer not to fall from grace by experiencing shame, but that doesn’t mean that I must not have this feeling. If I do, it's unfortunate, but does not prove I am defective. It proves that I am an ordinary, fallible human being capable of experiencing a range of healthy and unhealthy emotions including shame. Shame does not and cannot define me.
Irrational Belief (Shame)
Rational Belief (Disappointment)
I must not fall short of my high social standards and I am defective if I do
I really don’t want to fall very short of my high
I absolutely should not have revealed this weakness and I am a weak person for doing so
I would have much preferred not to have revealed this weakness, but sadly I am not immune from doing so and neither do I have to be so immune. I am not a weak person for revealing this weakness, rather I am a fallible human being who is capable of acting weakly and strongly
Thinking that Stems from Shame-Based Irrational beliefs and Disappointment-Based rational beliefs
Thinking that Stems from Shame-Based Irrational beliefs
Thinking that Stems from Disappointment-Based rational beliefs
You overestimate the negativity of the information revealed.
You see the information revealed in a compassionate self-accepting context
Thinking that Stems from Shame-Based Irrational beliefs
Thinking that Stems from Disappointment-Based rational beliefs
You overestimate the likelihood that the judging group will notice or be interested in the information.
You are realistic about the likelihood that the judging group will notice or be interested in the information revealed.
Thinking that Stems from Shame-Based Irrational beliefs
Thinking that Stems from Disappointment-Based rational beliefs
You overestimate the degree of disapproval you (or your reference group) will receive.
You are realistic about the degree of disapproval you (or your reference group) will receive
Thinking that Stems from Shame-Based Irrational beliefs
Thinking that Stems from Disappointment-Based rational beliefs
You overestimate how long any disapproval will last.
You are realistic about how long any disapproval will last.
Behaviour that Stems from Shame-Based Irrational beliefs and Disappointment-Based rational beliefs
Behaviour that Stems from Shame-Based Irrational beliefs
Behaviour that Stems from Disappointment-Based rational beliefs
• You remove yourself from the “gaze” of others
•You isolate yourself from others
•You save face by attacking other(s) who have “shamed” you
You continue to participate actively in social interaction
Behaviour that Stems from Shame-Based Irrational beliefs
Behaviour that Stems from Disappointment-Based rational beliefs
•You defend your threatened self- esteem in self- defeating ways.
•You ignore attempts by others to restore social equilibrium.
You respond positively to attempts of others to restore social equilibrium.
How to examine the accuracy of your shame related inference?
How to examine the accuracy of your shame related inference?• How valid is my inference that I have fallen
very short of my ideal (for example)?
• Would an objective jury agree that I have fallen very short of my ideal?
If not, what would their verdict be?
• Is my inference that I have fallen very short of my ideal realistic?
If not, what is a more realistic inference?
How to examine the accuracy of your shame related inference?• If I asked someone I could trust to
give me an objective opinion about my inference that I have fallen very short of my ideal, what would that person say to me and why? What inference would he or she encourage me to make instead?
How to examine the accuracy of your shame related inference?• If a friend told me he had made the
same inference about falling very short of his ideal in the same situation, what would I say to him about the validity of his inference and why?
What inference would I encourage him to make instead?
Dealing with Shame by using Imagery
Dealing with Shame using Imagery• Imagine a specific situation in which you felt
ashamed or may feel ashamed wheno Something highly negative has been revealed
about you (or about a group with whom you identify) by yourself or by others;
o You have acted in a way that falls very short of your ideal and/or
o You think others look down on or shun you
(or a group with whom you identify)
Focus on what you felt most ashamed about
(i.e. your 'A’) while rehearsing a specific and
relevant RB. Try to make yourself feel
disappointed but not ashamed.
Dealing with Shame using Imagery• Imagine yourself acting in ways consistent with
your RB, e.g. holding your head up high and dealing with relevant issues with relevant people rather than hiding away from them.
• Recognize that some of your post-belief thinking may be distorted.
Respond without getting bogged down doing so. Accept the presence of any remaining distorted thoughts without engaging with them.
• Repeat these steps until you feel ready to put this sequence into practice in your life.
Dealing with meta emotional problem about shame
Dealing with emotional problem about shame
• Anxious about the prospect of experiencing shame
• Depressed about feeling shame
• Ashamed about feeling shame
• Unhealthily angry with yourself for making yourself feel shame
Deal with meta-shameWhen you feel ashamed about experiencing shame, you
see your original shame as a weakness & hold a set of IBs
Irrational Belief Rational Belief‘I mustn’t have this weakness and because I do, this proves I’m a weak, defective person’
‘I’d prefer not to feel shame as it’s a weakness, but I’m not immune from this feeling, nor do I have to be immune. I’m not a weak, defective person for having this weakness. I’m a fallible, complex, u`nrateable person who has strengths and weaknesses’
Shame Attacking Exercises
Views of the world that render you vulnerable to shame andViews of the world that help you deal with shame
Dealing with ShameViews of the world that render you vulnerable to shame
Views of the world that help you deal with shame
World View -There is always the danger that I will not achieve my ideal standards.Inference -I have not reached my ideal and I am showing a weakness.
There is always this danger, but these standards are there to guide me, not to be achieved all the time
Dealing with ShameViews of the world that render you vulnerable to shame
Views of the world that help you deal with shame
World View -Social situations are dangerous because I may be exposed at any moment.Inference - If I reveal a weakness, no matter how small, people will easily spot this.
Social situations can be dangerous, but they can also be gentle and kind. If I put a foot wrong, people may judge me negatively, but they may also show me understanding and compassion.
Dealing with Shame
Views of the world that render you vulnerable to shame
Views of the world that help you deal with shame
World View -Social situations are dangerous because other people will judge me negatively if I put a foot wrong.Inference - If I reveal a weakness, people will judge me negatively.
If I fall short of my ideal or go against a social custom, I am revealing my fallibility and my humanity.
This makes social situations far less dangerous.
View of the world Founded on Shame-based Irrational beliefsWorld view: Inference:
There is always the danger that I will not achieve my ideal standards.
I have not reached my ideal and am showing a weakness.
Social situations are dangerous because I may be exposed at any moment.
If I reveal a weakness, no matter how small, people will easily spot this.
Social situations are dangerous because other people will judge me negatively if I put a foot wrong.
If I reveal a weakness, people will judge me negatively.
USA ans Shame Attaking