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Practical ParentingSheila O’Malley
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What do you want to take away today?
Practical Tips and Skills
– How I am in myself determines how I parent
– Happy parent, happy teen
– How you look after yourself on a daily basis
Communication & Feelings
– Listening is key
– Open or Defensive Communication
– All communication is about self
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Unconditional love is the most important aspect of relationship with self and others
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Physically
Sexually
Emotionally
Intellectually
Behaviourally
Socially
Creatively
Spiritually
Will influence how you relate to your teen in these areas
How you feel about you is mirrored in how you care for self
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Physical expression of Self Poor Sense of Self
Poor diet/no exercise
Pushes oneself
Never asks for help
Rush/race;
Never says No
Operates from neglect and overload
Self Acceptance
Moderate in diet/alcohol
Rests when tired
Asks for help/support
Allows adequate time
Know your limits
Values self
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Emotional Self: your ability to give & receive loveMen's’ challenge is to give & women's’ is to receive Poor sense of self
Beats oneself up
Thinks ‘I can’t do it’
Says ‘I’m not good enough’
Feels ‘I don’t measure up’
Avoids challenge
Self Acceptance
Builds oneself up
Thinks ‘ I will give it a try’
Says ‘I did my best’
Feels ‘I accept myself ‘
Actions: Challenges self
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Other expressions of Self Poor sense of self
Creative: No personal time hobby/interest
Spiritual: No reflection
Social: ‘I’m no one special.. Troubled relationships.
Behavioural: 'I messed up’ (Self critical)
Self Acceptance
Creative: Values self to diary personal time
Takes time to be
Social: ‘I’m special’ Enduring friendships
Behavioural: 'I did my best’ Compassionate
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When we don’t take care of ourselves - Your response:
Being irritable
Being critical
Being impatient
Being anxious
Being tired
Being timid
Being a perfectionist
The challenge is to:
Embrace mistakes
Accept self
Nurture self
Believe in self
Rest yourself
Your presence matters
Believe you are good enough
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Parenting styles:
Authoritarian:
Dominant/controlling,
Overprotective:
Needs to be needed, the carer, gives gives gives
Authoritative:
Allows quite a bit of freedom; but clear standards of behaviour
They listen & reason
Warm relationship
Clear in expectations
“I trust & believe”
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Each parents relationship with self
Your relationship with your partner
Parents relationship with teen
Difficult behaviour arises from what happens in the family
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When he feels right; he will behave right
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Teens who are troubled or troubling are not out to make your life difficult; they’re unconsciously trying to show you how difficult life is for them
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When I act different; others act differentlyDefensive Communication
Command/Demand
Advise
Scold
Correct
Judge
Label
Criticise
Lecture/Moralise
Change your interaction
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Defensive communication is: controlling, superior, judgemental, & mirrors an insecure self.
“Turn that off NOW!”
“Give me that!”
“How dare you”
“Get in here now I said!”
Conflict gets buried, ignored, diluted and wellbeing suffers as teen is blamed or parent blames self
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Angry? Take action for self; not against my teen
“I feel stressed and I need ..”
Separateness is the basis for togetherness!
You respond better to conflict when you maintain your own boundary
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All behaviour mirror’s relationship with self
Challenging Behaviour
Cross
Criticise
Punish
Situation escalates
No resolution
Blame the teen or blame yourself
Best Response
Stay calm
Stay Separate
Don’t personalise
Separate teen from the behaviour
“I love you, but I can’t accept this behaviour
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Negative behaviour decreases if ignored
Don’t get into conflict
Don’t break relationship
Admit if you were wrong; and apologise
Settle for less
Stay Separate
Separate his behaviour from person:
“I’m happy to listen, but no one shouts at me”
Parent using love not laws; be flexible
Press the PAUSE button and catch them being good
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All Communication is about self
How I relate to another is a mirror of how I relate to self
If I am in a good place, my communication is open
Wellness thrives and conflict gets resolved
What I feel, think; say and do is only about me
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What my teen says, feels, thinks and does is about himHe feels that you care
He knows you wish to understand
Gives him opportunity to find solution
Anger dissipates when grievances are heard
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If what you are doing is not working; try something different! Keep connecting..
1.There’s a connection between how a teen feels , and how he behaves
2.Highly disturbed behaviour is an inability to express emotion
3.When your teen deserves your love the least, they need it the most..
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“Listening is not waiting to speak, to interject, to use the time to plan what you’re going to say. It’s not being distracted. It’s more than hearing. It’s paying attention. It’s wanting to know; not wishing to inform. It’s silent, reverential and it’s healing.
Listening is the first act of communication
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Good communication is: Emphatic, real, non judgemental
Thanks for the help; you’re always so thoughtful”
“I noticed how punctual you always are”
“You made a great effort; I’m proud of you!”
“What do you think? I’m interested in your opinion?”
“You’re really good at the PC, what will I do?”
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Use ‘I’ messages – they work!
“Jack, I feel angry .. and I need you ..
State your expectation
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Top Tips to Take Care of You: Plan/Diary/Schedule
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Time out helps manage stress
Weekly/Monthly night out
Night away every 12 months
Join a class/club
Go to lunch, with a friend, & walk
While teen at activity; walk/run/read
Morning/Evening walk, run, gym with a friend
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Identify 1 change you can make: Happy Parent, Happy Teen
Take Home Tips:
You can’t take care of anyone; till you first take care of you
Self acceptance & self approval are key to change
Stay Separate
Hit the PAUSE button
Use ‘I’ messages
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One to One Parent Mentoring service available
Parenting Talks to Companies & Organisations
One Day Courses on Parenting Teens in Oct & Nov
“Fantastic course; just wish I’d done it sooner”
Book a Course: 6 evenings beginning Oct 4/5/6Glenageary, Foxrock; Leopardstown & Goatstown
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Thank you for your attention
www.practicalparenting.ie