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Why a father can’t be more like a mother ---and why he shouldn’t be
Presentation
JERROLD LEE SHAPIRO, Ph.D.
Professor, Santa Clara UniversityLicensed Clinical Psychologist, Los Altos
Father of a daughter and a son“Semi-Retired soccer and little league coach
Origins
Scope
3 Variables
Fatherhood
Quantity of time with children
Don’t ever be a “Mister Mom”
Know your own father
QUANTITY OF TIME
Quality time grew out of the notion of quantity of time with children
Advantages of unstructured, “hanging-out” time with children
ESCHEW BEING A SUBSTITUTE MOTHER
If a child already has a perfectly good mother, there is no need for a less qualified person to be a mother substitute.
“Mister Mom” is insulting to women and demeaning to men
What the child needs is an equally good father
KNOW THY FATHER Who was your own father? What was his life like as a boy, a teen, a
new dad? What impact did your birth have on him? What is the legacy you carry from your
father? What you don’t know about your own
fathering, you will be destined to repeat or ignore?
Mothers and Fathers
areDIFFERENT
What Differences do You Experience?
What Differences do you see in others?
FATHERS PARENT FROM THE OUTSIDE -- IN
MOTHERS PARENT FROM THE INSIDE -- OUT
Mother’s unbreakable
emotional umbilical cord
HOLDING
When a woman picks up an infant she rolls the baby into her breasts
Providing comfort, warmth and security
When a man picks up a baby he hold the baby up, facing him or the world
providing a sense of freedom and a shared world
PLAYmom dad
Child directs the play Dad directs the play
builds a sense of teamwork, fitting into the larger world
builds child’s imagination, creativity and self esteem
DISCIPLINEMom Dad
Adjusted moment by moment to reflect child’s feelings and current state
stresses importance of feelings and temporary changes in situations. Allows for flexible limits
Determined by rules
Stresses importance of rules, social demands and sets firm limits supporting security
Sine Qua Non
A safer bet than the Rams in the Super Bowl
IAM
MALETherefore
I DO
NOTMULTI-TASK
The Corpus Callosum
dads have no invisible emotional umbilical cord
Serial problem solving
based on the life and death implications of hunting and war
The “why” is both genetic and environmental
Gender & Communication
men women Time limited Bottom line first One subject at a time Shoulder to shoulder Clear expectations Primarily informational
Relationship based Story first Many subjects interwoven Face-to-face Open expectations Primarily relational
For most menValentines Day
Is experienced as
National
Damage Control Day
What’s the topic?
Do you want me to listen and reflect what I am hearing or do you want me to fix a problem?
IMPACT OF POOR FATHERING
FEARS OF ABANDONMENT SEARCH FOR A ROLE MODEL LACK OF A POSITIVE MODEL FOR
MALE INTIMACY LOWER SELF ESTEEM
SONS WITHOUT FATHERS
OVER-DEPENDENCE OR DISTANT/ FEARFUL OF INTIMACY
Look to women to define intimacy Withdrawal or aggression Gang membership
DAUGHTERS WITHOUT FATHERS
No experience of male intimacy less experience of external psychological
limits Expectations of female-like intimacy with
men Adult relationships with men who leave less competitive