Paul MellettBook 1

from the wall at the Monkton Wyld

Memorial Gathering20th July 2014

PaulThe  early  years

1998-9Leukaemia Treatment and Recovery

Waiting For One Point Zero – 1 (Written by Paul 1998/99) Wakey-wakey A consciousness wades laboriously our of the sea of sleep and throws itself, gasping onto the beach of morning. After a time it rolls over, sits up and then begins to play with the seashells and driftwood that are the night`s dreams, washed up on the tideline. Down through the clouds from the horizon, reality descends, hurtling like an airstrike. Bleak and cold and sharp the world is trying to pry its way in through sticky eyelids. I am warm and comfortable under my covers. Curled up like a dog, I am happy just to exist here floating in this warm fuzzy feeling. I move my hand up to scratch my nose, but as it passes over my chest, I feel the tubes which stick out there and a pang of sadness and realisation stirs inside me. It is never very far away from me. Even in my dreams now I am sickly and weak. I never try to fight the monsters there. I always run or hide or climb a tree. It is often in this way that I remember, at the start of my day. I remember also what Naomi once told me; they say “live for the moment”, but sometimes when the moment is just fear and paint it is worth living for the future. So now, although forced to live in these moments that stretch out to form the hours, days, weeks and months I must endure, I am living for the future. On the 7th of July 1998, something happened to me which was to smash my entire life into tiny little pieces. I was diagnosed with Acute Myleoblastic Leukaemia. Everything I had planned and hoped for was gone. All that I enjoyed, so much of it taken for granted, was snatched away in an instant. A freezing icicle pierced me through my stomach and my spine and I doubled up in breathless shock, held on tight to my Dad and cried. I howled. Coursing through me was a deep, sucking terror, a primal fear where everything so safe and so secure around you is gone and you are naked and paralysed before the teeth of reality. “I am going to die”. What frightens me most is that the losses I have suffered will be permanent. My health is gone at the moment. My hair has fallen out. My body is frail and thin. I can not run, or swim, or even take the dog for a walk in a field. I can not look at the sky, I can not go anywhere or do anything with my friends. I cannot fall in love or have a family. What it boils down to is that I cannot be a

person. I am a patient. I have found this experience dehumanising and yet it has opened my eyes to aspects of myself and my humanity which I may have otherwise taken many long years to discover, if indeed I did discover them at all. I want back so badly that which has been taken from me; my youth, my health, my vitality, my freedom and my independence. Yet these things I am assured of if I survive. It is just a matter of time. What I have only recently realised is what I have gained that I did not have before. My Grandfather fought as an infantryman in the second world war. He died in 1986 from lung cancer. So in this respect at least, I can truly empathise with him. I have never been a soldier or fought in a war, but I have stood on the brink of the abyss. I can also concur with his conclusions on the most important things in life, the only thing I would add being health. That is what my experience has taught me so far. I have been blessed with a depth of compassion and understanding which many people never know. But what a price to pay. My dad said to me once, something along the lines of “you are part of an unfortunate yet privileged elite”

Waiting For One Point Zero – 2 Poem 1 How time rolls ever on Ever it rolls onto you As a heavy rock upon a shrew Or a newspaper upon a swatted fly How time makes new Takes the old life that I knew And scythes it down To scatter both my ashes and my seeds into the wind How time is life Footprints laid upon a path A line upon a graph A journey from the ocean to the ocean A life is like a single day With morning, noon and night Tomorrow and yesterday Faces remembered through dirty glass Echoes of a lifetime that has passed Feelings that I still feel now I felt when I was small And never in my darkest dreams Thought that I would feel as I feel now Or stand where I stand now Face what I face now Know what I know now And never in my darkest dreams Did I know what I know now. Poem 2 Looking back I wish I wish I wish that I had taken every chance in every second I had glanced at your face and looked into your eyes looking into mine

I wish that I had never turned away when I had only nothings left to say No wits no words no way I can go back there now and simply hold your hand A look into a mirror A look into myself I look away from fear and doubt Uncertainty and pain I look down at your letter held tight in my hand Where you wrote my name Thinking if death does take me Leads me on into anther room I will stand there in the gloom Or sit or lie upon the floor And watch the handle of the door Waiting for it to turn as you come in I would have liked to walk with you Across a field or down a path To sit beside a river On a branch over the river Four bare feet into the water In the evening of a day The sky would be so big and kind With a singing sinking sun Behind clouds which wander by Eating apples by the river I throw my core into the river I am feeling cold As I watch it float away.

Waiting For One Point Zero – 3 Thursday 7th January 1999 My dad just woke me up. I have been sleeping off the effects of the medazelam- the sedation used on me earlier today at the hospital where they took yet another bone marrow sample for analysis. That was at about one o clock. It is now five thirty and my dad is telling me something. It takes me a couple of minutes to work out what he is actually saying, because I am still fairly groggy , but when it sinks in, I begin to experience a feeling I have not felt for months. “The doctor just rang. He said they had looked at your biopsy and there is absolutely no sign of the Leukaemia at all. Paul`s leukaemia is flat.” I glow. I am now ready for my final treatment – the bone marrow transplant from my sister Mary. That will finish it once and for all. Thank you Moa. Thank you. Tuesday 19th January Well everybody, here it is. Crappy new year. I have now been given a date for my bone marrow transplant; the ninth of February. I get admitted to hospital on the second, and somewhere in between the two I have the conditioning (chemotherapy and total body irradiation). Time has gone by since Christmas and I am back in limbo again. It is definitely better to be out of hospital than in, but I feel just as alone and stuck. Maybe I have got used to being apathetic about everything. I have become very adept at becoming nothing. To pass the time. So I stare into space. I have been spending too much time staring at that evil screen, watching TV or playing Playstation. I want to get out of the house and go somewhere. I cannot move on with anything until this over. I fear the days that are coming, but I want it over as much as I try to hold it at bay. Today was hard. I didn't meet Charlotte in Bath today as planned because she was in Bristol. She phoned me later on from Sarah`s house and I went

over. I only stayed for an hour then I had to go and pick my mum up from work. I cried as I drove into Bath. I just want to be close to someone again. Maybe I felt a little sting of jealousy for Charlotte getting things together with Chao, but it makes me realise how far I am away from that. How far away from anyone kissing me on the lips, because they fancied me. That's as much a problem in the way I feel about myself at the moment. I want to wake up next to somebody in the morning. Somebody I wanted. She has been that person for a long time, and I get a little echo of that in my heart every time I see her, even though I have given up on it. I am so fucking sick of this.

<--22 Aug 200021st BirthdayParagliding fromthe top of the Weisshornin Switzerland

Peru 2004 Placement for Development Studies BSc at the University of East Anglia

2006-2009

 

Dear friends, I write to you, as Paulo's mother, sending my love and thanks to you all for the love and concern you have expressed for Paulo, and the beautiful words you have sent about your friend. The Brazilian funeral process is now concluded. It was a unique experience, even by Brazilian standards, and Ruth and her shamanic and Buddhist friends created a beautiful ceremony to help his spirit to pass safely and to send his physical body on its way. His father and I will now be returning to the UK, and Paulo's ashes will be coming also. Once there we shall organise a thanksgiving ceremony for all his friends in and around Europe. We hope that many of you will be able to join us. However, we have one last request to make of you all. We would like you all to send us a written story of an experience you have had with Paulo. This is so that we can collate the different parts of his life for ourselves and for Ruth. But it is also much more. We are realising the extent of Paulo's broad experience with others around the world. It is a truly rich collection of learning and wisdom. We would like this to continue to inform those who are left behind, that they may continue the work that he has begun, and above all support the principles of sustainability and enablement that Paulo integrated into his way of working . So, please send stories to BOTH ruth.andrade@gmail.com and peter@mellett.org.uk. Please do Not use Facebook as this is harder to collate from. Finally, we hope that this event will allow you to share together with Paulo's other friends, and some of you may feel you want to play a part in contributing to any rituals. Please feel free to contact us via peter@mellett.org.uk with anything you wish to offer. Of course this can also happen spontaneously on the day. At this stage we are also thinking about having the event around the time of the GEN conference as we know that some of you will be attending this. With love to you all, Jane Mellett 11 July 2014

From Joe Dunthorne Hi  Ruth,  Peter  and  Jane   I   was   so   sad   to   hear   that   Paulo   had   passed   away.   I   was   his   next   door  neighbour  in  halls  at  our  first  year  at  UEA.  It  was  obvious  from  the  start  that  he  was  special.  He  was  so  clearly  driven  to  get  the  absolute  maximum  out  of  his   time   at  UEA   and   in   life   in   general.   It  was   inspiring   to   see   and   to   hear,  since   the   sound   of   his   raw   food   blender  came   growling   through   the   wall.  We   spent  of   lot   of   very   happy   time   playing   music  together.  He  was  a  tremendous  guitarist  and  I   loved   how   freely   he   played,   how  unexpected   was   his   rhythm,   how   intuitive  he  was.  That  seems  a  fair  assessment  of  his  personality  too.    One  of  my  favourite  memories  of  living  with  Paulo  was  that  we  established  a  tradition  of  tree-­‐climbing  together.  Every  now  and  then  we'd  go  down   to   the   trees  by   the   lake.  We  would  pick  a  challenging  tree  and,  usually,  it  would   take   Paulo   to   climb   it   first.   I  remember   him   sitting   on   a   branch,   his   legs  hanging  down,   and   allowing  me   to   grab  on  to  his  walking  boots  so  that  I  could  climb  up  there   too.  Once  we  were  up,  we'd  climb   to  the  top  and  chat,  looking  out  over  the  water,  swinging  in  the  breeze.  It  was  gorgeous.    My   thoughts   are   with   you   all.   He   was   a  wonderful   man.   Please   keep   me   informed  about  plans  for  the  memorial.    All  my  love,    Joe  x  

From Phillipa Lesham (a fellow DEV student at UEA) I studied Development Studies with Paulo at UEA. I have thought of him over the years, wondering what great things he must be doing, it was obvious from the start, that nothing would stand in the way of this guy's vision....While I was learning and taking in so much from my lectures, he was already sharing and dishing out his knowledge and immense passion. There was more than one occasion where he would argue a point till blue and teach a lecturer something too! I really appreciated how he shared his diary of experiences in Peru while on his dissertation trip, putting into practice permaculture and agroforestry. He sent his experiences, anecdotes and feelings to us all, and I followed them with great interest. What a lovely thing to do, such great community skills. Another memory was in Dingle on a natural resource management project week, how Paulo was interviewed by the Dingle Radio Station and left them speechless as he bubbled over with his drive for an age, hardly taking a breath. It is so wonderful and inspiring to read about his fruitful life, how many great projects he started, people he supported and lives he has improved....He has certainly opened many eyes to a better way, and left a lasting impression on the world. He makes me remember the kind of person I always wanted to be! I hope you enjoy a wonderful celebration of Paulo's life. Love Philippa (The one crouching down in the group photo from Dingle) xxx

From Steve Charter – Memories of Paulo 2002

The October 2002 Permaculture Design Certificate (PDC) course at Ecoforest (low impact, raw food and permaculture project in Southern Spain), with Paulo being an inspiring and enlivening member of the course group.

From the moment Paulo arrived at Ecoforest for the October 2002 PDC course (which I taught) it was clear that here was a very unusual, passionate and inspiring young man. His challenging journey in the previous years had brought him to the combination of raw food and permaculture that was offered at Ecoforest. He was a great guy to have on the course, and during his time after when he stayed on to volunteer with us for around a month, as part of a wonderful group. That was a very special time at Ecoforest, and Paulo’s part in that was significant, as it was everywhere he went and in everything he did. More recently I had been in touch with Paulo again regarding his inspiring work with Lush, to look at how we might encourage a better understanding and use of permaculture in the business world, working with the UK Association, with the hope that more companies might follow Lush’s example of making positive contributions to ecology, society and the economy. I would very much like to look with others at how Paulo’s memory and legacy can be continued, as his work demonstrates to me a visionary yet practical next step in the continuing evolution of permaculture, in positive creation-oriented activism, and in ethical, ecologically sound business development - in short, in living a life of active love for people and planet. Steve Charter Permaculture Teacher, Sustainability Consultant & Education Development Manager at The Bay Trust

From Gareth Morgan

Such a beautiful person. The moment I arrived at Eco-forest, Paulo met me with such a wave of love that it already felt like he was an old friend. I see him on the building, utterly at ease and full of joy to be working away on the roof; cycling in search of prickly pears, swimming in the river, climbing trees and singing his song of the tree and the fire. What strength and lightness of spirit...

Paulo on the rebuilt house roof at Ecoforest, Spain, Nov 2002 – an inspiring member of our wonderful volunteer group that month.

Paulo, with Steve (L) and Andre (R) – Nov 2002 - planting grape vines, tagasaste, chirimoya, casaurinas and figs in the swales on the upper part of the land at Ecoforest, southern Spain.

I think it’s fair to say that Paulo was an example of a perfect permaculture student – because he went on to live it, and to carry on learning and doing, spreading and multiplying permaculture and positive sustainable solutions in a powerful, inspiring and (most importantly) effective way. We can all learn from, be motivated by and be inspired by his example. Love to all you fellow travellers, Gareth Morgan, fellow student on October 2002 PDC (Permaculture Design Certificate) course at Ecoforest, Spain.  

A mother’s view of Paul – Jane Mellett, July 2014.

Being a psychotherapist, I have to start with Paul’s birth……he was very late! He was very big…nearly 10 pounds and nearly 2 foot long….and it took ages! His father and I were already beginning the building of half our house, and I went into labour as the lean-to bathroom was being demolished. Paul spent his first 6 months being bathed in the kitchen sink and the first 6 years living in a building site. That, and the fields and woods around our village was his playground, and what he learnt there, you are all witness to. Paul loved his food whatever it was…and he loved his bed. He learnt to climb almost before he could walk….as a toddler he would climb up the side of the bars on his cot and throw himself over the side on top of his very flat teddy, then fall asleep sucking his thumb . He loved to sleep and dream…and there his fertile imagination would process all the monsters he had conjured up through play and drawing and he would use his dream magic carpet to fly away from danger. He later developed this art into “going walkabout” from his body as a means of surviving pain in hospital with leukaemia. He could be truly ethereal, as well as incredibly earthy. Paul loved books and at three years we found him reading a big book out loud, only to discover the book was upside down and he had learnt it by heart. He was blessed with an amazing memory, as well as dexterous hands and a musical ear. As he grew up he could play any instrument he picked up, write beautiful poetry and essays, paint and draw from his imagination and climb any tree. He was a strong swimmer and would throw himself straight in the sea, clothes and all, as soon as we arrived on holiday. For ten years our family stayed down the road in Chideock, and later added Southwold with the Fisher family to our annual rituals. From there we looked down the coast at Sizewell B which Paulo later climbed for Greenpeace. Paul was always full of enthusiasm, carefree, possibly careless with mud, water and fire, anarchic in his playing and creations. Capable of losing himself for hours in a project. He was also a very sensitive soul, easily hurt by other’s comments about him and his difference. Though popular, he was never one of the pack.

Later, he learnt to use his height to his advantage so he could ultimately be the gentle giant. By 16yrs he was 6ft 4 1/2ins. The only man who ever made me feel small…with his huge enveloping bear hugs, so strong and full of love. His Celtic and Viking genes gave him an unusual attractiveness that also helped him to stand out. At 12, I remember us walking down to the beach at Seatown, Paul and Mary in their Bermuda shorts, and Paul was reading the Diary of Adrian Mole. He read it out loud to us….all the way there, and all the way back, and a lot of the time on the beach too! Here were the intimations of later times when he would utterly take over conversations until he had made us understand something really important. He was always serious about life the universe and everything. As a family we used to have deep political talks around the kitchen table, and he took on and developed our socialist ideals, a deep concern for humanity, and a gentleness around animals. He also developed a wicked wit. It may surprise you to know that Paul did not have a clue what he wanted to do when he left school. Almost by default he enrolled at college to study music technology with some intention of joining the pop music world. He was a good drummer and guitarist and played in a band, and of course went to Glastonbury. There he was when he was finally struck down with Acute Myeloid Leukaemia….an adult form of leukaemia caused by chemicals, radiation or cosmic rays. It turned a vibrant 18 year old into an old man of 90 in a few short days. There are some things a mother should not see… Her son struggling to survive the most horrendous treatment is one. Later, her son throwing himself off the top of a Swiss mountain with a paraglider on his 21st birthday…but I had to get used to that, and more, for surviving death increases a man’s zest for life. And finally, my son being early, for once in his life, but sadly at his death.

A Sister’s poem for Paulo He’s my big brother ‘bubble’ And I’m his little sister; trouble And I’m squawking asking ‘what?!’ and ‘why?!’ He’s too immersed and focused in his play, to look up and reply. So I hover and watch his fingers work in enthralled With this big little person who understands it all. He’s my teenage brother Paul Nirvana blasting through the bedroom wall Eyebrow piercing, ripped jeans, blue hair, But sensitive in love and loss and never without care. He’s my big, big brother Paul 4 years older, 2 foot taller and oh so cool! Now big big problem Paul. Leukemia leaves you hollow, shrunken, small. Oh, you are so brave and you endure such pain Like diamond formed formed through pressure, you’re somehow born again. Paul shall be well and all manner of things shall be well you bore your cross The crucible burnt off the dross From innocence to experience You began a new life of significance. It’s not easy building a life again, But you don’t waste time in your campaigns, Greenpeace climbing, Straw bale building, Paragliding MP writing, Spanish speaking, Drumming, strumming, Canoing, Capoera fighting

At rest, beatboxing in the shower While drinking a smoothy of Kale and cauliflower. Now Paulo’s found his permaculture philosophy He’ll educate you in lengthy soliloquy It’s Revolution dressed up as gardening His direction is set, his resolve is hardening. Now positive powerful permie Poofy Is wedding wonderful worldly wifey Woofy And together they love to learn and share and grow New possibilities, ideas, enthusiasms. So We take a breath, because our family, Pete, Jane, Paulo, Ruth and Mary are all well and happy. ----------------- Oh Paulo, I do not think its fair After 18 weeks in Intensive Care You’re life has ended part way through Still so much to live for, so much to do: Baby making, children raising, garden planting, home creating, self caring, wisdom sharing a healthy pace and standing staring. But Paul shall be well And Paulo shall be well and all manner of things shall be well From innocence to experience You lived a life of significance.

A Father's contribution – 'What's in a name?' Paul James Mellett – the name that marked my son at both ends of his life – the name on his birth certificate and the name on the door of his hospital room and on the door of his side chapel at the crematorium. So: consider Paul – the name by which friends and relations knew the baby, the toddler, the child and the adolescent – and then consider Paulo, the name under which the adult went out into the world. Paul and Paulo: they name one and the same person – but they actually represent two separate and quite distinct eras in his life. Two eras – the two eras that I would identify are the 20 years 1979 to 1999 and the 14 years from 2000 to 2014; these two periods were separated, as we all know, by Paul's leukaemia 1998/99 and the treatment that he received for it. You can gain some insight into the physical, emotional and existential abyss he travelled through at the age of 19 if you read his writings under the title "Waiting for one-point-zero" – which is a reference to the level of blood neutrophils – our prime first line of defence – needed for release from hospital isolation. And then there was the second era, from 2000 onwards, from the start of which – as he regained some health and began to lead an independent life, to extend his horizons and to make new friends – he consistently introduced himself as 'Paulo' to everyone in this, his new world. So – leukaemia as epiphany and the new man with a new purpose needing a new name. You might by now be thinking of the Road to Damascus on which worldly Saul became saintly Paul – but let me disappoint you – the origins of 'Paulo' are a little more prosaic and actually date back to an event four years earlier, at the age of 17, one year short of the age of alcoholic consent, when Paul was filling in a form to register for a free pint of Guinness and I heard him ask the question "I wonder how much junk mail this form is going to generate and for how long when Guinness sells on my data?" His response was to invent the persona 'Paulo Mellettski' who, just as he suspected, for many years after that free offer, continued to drop through our letterbox bearing offers of delights from firms all around the country. So Paulo was the name that Paul chose for his rebirth in 1999/2000 – and, as you can see, it had that typically anarchic tinge to its origins. Looking around this room, it seems to me as if there are two sets of people present here today – those who knew and loved 'Paul' and those who knew and loved 'Paulo' – well, actually, I don't think we should use the word 'love' in the past tense because we continue to love him in the present, which is actually why we're here today. Two sets of people – Jane and I have recently

been learning much more about our Paul as a man in the world from those who knew him as Paulo – and perhaps those who knew him better as Paulo will gain a more contextualised view of that person when they explore through us his 'formative years' before the age of 20 and pre-dating the leukaemia episode. Many have spoken over the past four weeks of Paulo's heritage. I think that, in common with all humans, what he did in all aspects of his life were expressions of his values. If we are to take his heritage forward then we need to understand those values as fully as we can and extend their influence through our own lives. So, I am hoping that we can now spend some time sharing stories and anecdotes from our experiences of this person – time for Paul and Paulo to reveal himself in his values more fully to each of us through the memories that we bring to this gathering. And now a final thought from me: I am sure that I shall leave here today with a fuller understanding of the 'who' and the 'what' questions that attend the life of my son – but answers to the 'why' questions that attend his early death I think will be lot longer in coming – if at all. So .... Over to you.

Caroline's contribution (transcript) I met Paul at school 22 years ago when I was 11. Memories from the early years are pretty blurry now. I remember him in a school play Bugsy Malone and through the awkward teenage years when the smell of Lynx was heavy on the air and we were all trying to out-angst each other in the school poetry magazine. There was a short-lived time when I even hoped to be Mrs Mellett one day and when Paul started running from his house in Colerne to mine in Corsham I thought it actually might happen – but all he ever did was come over and talk about how much he fancied Charlotte Agate so I quickly gave up on that idea. I do have Paul to thank for finding Ferg though at a party at your home in Colerne when I was 17 and I met my future husband. Paul was instrumental in making sure that we got in touch with each other afterwards and so for us he will always be an intrinsic part of our story. He was there at the very beginning and I will be eternally grateful to him for that. It was only a year or so later that Paul was diagnosed with leukaemia. It seemed so shocking to us that someone so young and so fit and one of our friends could be so terribly ill. Visiting Paul in hospital through his treatment was an emotional time. Despite his incredible attitude and endless optimism, seeing him become so frail was hard to witness. We were there when they shaved his head for the first time and he made jokes as they did it. He even pretended to look enthused when in our naivety we smuggled porn into the hospital for him. We were so young then and he was so bloody brave throughout. I don't think that any of us could have maintained the positive outlook that he managed to hold on to throughout that time. And we must always give thanks to Mary at this point for the bone marrow transplant that brought him back to life. The silver lining to being as ill as he was and as young as he was, was that he knew better than most of us the value of life. The consequence to being forced to lie in a bed for long periods with the view of a brick wall and hospital dinners was that Paul didn't like staying still very much after he got better. He was also pretty determined not to eat rubbish now that the choice was back in his hands. While the rest of us were being useless predictable teenagers, Paul was chucking our fags down the loo and repeating the wonders of a raw food diet. He realised that life was short and he was determined not to waste it. He grew increasingly interested in the bigger picture, the jeopardy that the planet was in and he felt a personal duty to get out there and do something about it. His work as an activist with Greenpeace

left us feeling slightly in awe that he was using action and not words and we felt a great deal of pride that someone at least was taking the giants on. Paul was not good at resting. The combination of wanderlust and his keen interest to absorb the knowledge that the world had to offer meant that he was often in exotic places. He'd return home and tell us remarkable stories of spiders the size of your hand trying to infiltrate his hammock and the sustainable fishing projects and the wonders of permaculture. I remember Ferg's mum telling him at our daughter's naming day that seeing him was exactly what she needed. "You've really made me feel that there is hope" she told him. His positivity was infectious. He was 'Paulo' by this point of course and was there with his wonderful partner Ruth. It was so clear from the very moment we met her that Paulo had found the very person he was supposed to meet. A woman who could match his passion and vibrancy. The warm energy of Ruth and Paulo combined was a playful mischief that was contagious. When they were talking about projects they were involved in, their mutual passion was tangible. We were lucky to spend some quality time with Paulo last year for which I am so grateful. He joined us at the Womad festival and later spent some nights with us in our home as he was passing through the UK. He was wonderful with our daughter Joannie. I think she had a special connection with him borne out of a mutual love of cherries and the amazing bathtime playdough from Lush that Ruth and Paulo brought her on that first meeting. We all went together to the kite festival at Ashton Court last summer. It was a beautiful sunny day and this is how I will remember my lovely friend, either chomping through a mountain of fresh fruit or on that delightful day with a backdrop of a perfect blue sky full of kites he was full of plans and purpose and promise and was smiling. We give our heartfelt thanks to Paulo's parents Jane and Peter and to his sister Mary and of course to his wonderful wife Ruth for the boundless care that they have brought to him in his final months. Your endurance and positivity and ability to share the trials and triumphs with those of us who loved him meant that we felt very connected to you all. We will carry the memory of your beautiful boy with us always. Thank you for giving us this day to share our love and our sorrow and to celebrate the life of our friend.

Ruth's contribution Oh! – Where to start? I think I'd like to start by saying that I think that, wherever he is, Paulo is quite happy about everyone who came here today. I've never seen so many of his teachers together ... and I really see that all the promise and the hope and I think the energy that Paulo was going to give to the world will have to be spread out and almost returned to his teachers ... and when I saw the list of everyone who was coming – wow - my goodness – you know, if these people can't create the world we dream of then no-one can. Because it is such a powerful team, such a powerful network – and a powerful network of commitment and integrity and solutions and love and love for life and love for the planet – and I think that Paulo surrounded himself with people he knew could hold the same values as he had, could hold his integrity could hold his love for life and could hold his authenticity and his transparency. I think that everyone who is here and is part of this network is here because of the resonance with who Paulo was. So when we stand here to talk about Paulo, we are a little bit talking about ourselves. So everything we say about Paulo we can also just look inside and say the same things about ourselves. When I met Paulo, I ... I always make a joke that I didn't find a partner, I won the lottery. It's actually probably as improbable to find someone like Paulo to be your life partner. And I also make this joke that it was like a little girl writing a letter to Santa saying "Santa, please this Christmas can I get this handsome tall blond guy who likes permaculture, who wants to build an ecovillage, who's kind of vegan ... " Yep – and Santa said "Here you go and two extra requirements as my gift to you". So I've always felt really, really, really privileged and the whole time I was in hospital and the whole time after his passage I've felt this immense gratitude of having actually had the opportunity that not many people have to experience such a wonderful relationship. And it seems weird because we managed to develop this partnership where it was very permaculture-like – you know, we were really interdependent and we could kind of put our networks together and together we build something quite beautiful and we could feed off each others' energy and feed off each others' vision and create something that was bigger than the sum of its parts and somehow I don't feel that I've lost that. I just don't have him physically and what we built together is here.

There is a beautiful – and I'm going to read – I'm going to read this because I feel it so reflects what I feel and of course I am sad. This is from Ettie Heilisom – I don't know if you've heard of her – she was in the German camps during the war and she wrote this beautiful diary with a lot of reflections on life and death and she says "I am not sad: I want to put up my hand and say 'People – I am so happy and grateful. I find life so beautiful and meaningful – yes, beautiful and meaningful while I'm standing here at the bed of my dead friend, who died much too early, and even though at any moment I can be deported to an unknown place, my God, I'm so grateful for everything. I'll go on living with what lives, everlasting from the dead ones and what is dead in the living I will awake again until there is nothing but life". ... I feel that there is a big, big part of Paulo that lives inside of me and no-one can take that away and the passage from one plane to another can't take that away. And I really hope that what we built together as a relationship what I see as this nurturing and loving and interdependent relationship is also what I ask you to go forward with. ... I wrote on my Facebook that we didn't lose ourselves in the other: we found ourselves in the other and I feel I'm stronger and I felt that Paulo was stronger and it's beautiful to see. I always joke that I started going out with a boy and I gave the world a man.

It was also interesting to witness the unfolding of Paulo's full potential and at the same time I felt that when you've found your path and when you're travelling on your path and you're going for your purpose and you know what your purpose is, it's very tempting to overdo it – it's very tempting to do more and more and more – and last year was a marathon – we were running a marathon, both him and I and the finish line was four months in hospital. And I think that's one of the biggest learning for me – I keep saying that it's the paradigm of self-sacrifice for compassion and ultimate love is 2000 years old. And I kept telling Paulo "Paulo you don't have to be Jesus" like in the hospital "You don't have to be Jesus". And this is a paradigm we also have to change. You can't build a new peace culture with the paradigm of self-sacrifice. You need all the compassion all the love that we have but we also need a level of wisdom. We need to be practicing internally what we are trying to reflect on the world. You can't go out building amazing regenerating sustainable systems if you can't regenerate your inner landscape. You can't go around building this new world if you're up against your own caring limits – the limits of your own ecosystem. That's what Paulo was doing; he was living beyond the carrying capacity of his own ecosystem ... and I think that's a big learning for all of us; it's a big learning for everyone who's here who also work a lot. And then at the same time, when you have death so close like Paulo had – and there's this beautiful Brazilian author who's just died yesterday and he wrote a lot about life and death – and he said that we need to have death as our counsellor. Death is always sitting right next to us as this silent teach telling us to live our lives – but how can we stay on this threshold where we know death is looming and therefore we know we can't just sit and wait and we need to go around and do stuff. And at the same time we know that death is waiting and if i do too much and I go out and I know all of these things, she's going to call me. And so how – that's my question now – how can we tread this threshold and ... I thank Paulo for this one more teaching. It was beautiful to see him still being Paulo in the hospital full of tubes and he was still Paulo ... And I feel very strongly that we need to have ... closure. Paulo's work is finished. It's now our work. Paulo can't do any more and so there's no way he can continue Paulo's work because his work is finished. Now it's our opportunity to develop our own work and it may be that it's very different from what Paulo did and it may be that we collectively can build a new vision. We don't need to be attached to his vision: we don't need to be attached to his projects: we don't need to be attached to his work. It's also a flow and I always see Paulo as a pioneer tree in forest succession – you know, that breaks hard ground and who spreads lots of seeds really far. And

it's up to us now to carry on building that forest and perhaps we are the climax trees ... and we're just following this nitrogen-rich soil that Paulo created for us. So ... there's one thing that I wanted to read, because people say "yes – but what was Paulo's vision?" People who used to know Paul or who used to play Settlers with us – perhaps they didn't know Paulo's vision so ... I found his Ayahuasca diaries – and Paulo, I hope you give me permission to read this. One day he had this experience and he just downloaded what he wanted to be the introduction to the Slush Report – Slush, the sustainable Lush fund that he helped to develop with Simon and with many people here – the core, alongside teaching permaculture that formed the core of his work in his late years in the past three/four years. And he somehow weaved it all together so there was no longer separation. His permaculture teaching and his permaculture network kind of blended with the Slush and it was all one big network. So I'm going to read it because I think this explains his vision quite well – and he says: "A slogan of the recent anti-war movement was 'Not in my name'. So what would we like to be done in our name? A core concept in permaculture is the web of life. It is nourished and maintained by multiple interconnected beneficial relationships. If certain crucial elements or keystones are missing from the web, the vital relationships with other elements do not exist. Core needs and functions are not met and the web begins to collapse." I'll stop here: Paulo was also a keystone species in our web so we need to think of strategies where our web and our network will not collapse without Paulo. ... [continues to read] "... This is the century our planet has been moving through – the collapsing of the web of life and the disappearance of keystone species. There is no web of life in industrial agriculture monocultures but working with ecological nature-based farming is not enough. We must also have the social and economic elements in the web for it to function. The ecological, social and economic elements must work together in balance to regenerate our world and heal the damage that has been done. This is why, in many of the Slush Fund projects we have chosen to work in partnership with training and education organisations who are supporting and serving communities in real need. On the front lines of environmental, social and cultural degradation and collapse. These organisations are doing incredible work, often without much assistance and the relationship with Lush enables them to take their work to a whole other level and achieve a much bigger impact. They are like a conjunction point of healing and light around the world whose effect will

ripple out and change the lives of untold numbers of people. Lush – and you can read 'Paulo' here – is playing a crucial part in rebuilding the web of life. It is an economic keystone species that is nourishing and protecting all of those seeds of regeneration, so that they might become mighty trees, strong and independent, that will pass on many fruits and seeds to replicated themselves multifold. This is the lasting legacy that Lush – or Paulo – gives to the world. This work is your work and it's done in your name and you're all part of this and you should feel very proud. For myself and from the thousands of people and the countless other plants and animals who make up this story and who speak to you through me, I send deep gratitude and love for all your vision and support and for allowing this to happen – it's what the Earth wants." So ... I feel like we ... need to find what is our role and what is our place in connecting to Paulo's vision and making it our own – and what are the skills and the talents and the love and the compassion that we have in us to connect again – and to connect, not just for Paulo, but – like Paulo said, Paulo is a spokesperson for the Earth and Paulo as a spokesperson for the millions of species of plants and animals and all beings everywhere. They need our support now. And so I also feel like ... Paulo played a very important role. He had a very clear purpose and a very clear mission here; he got that mission through his leukaemia and was given 15 years to play it out. And this [gesturing to the text and photos on the wall] is what he achieved. ... but we don't have to follow in his footsteps; in that respect, we can look after ourselves and we can go on looking after the world. There is one more thing that I wanted to say. Now that he has died, I have been going through all of his emails, all of his notes – everything that I find. And it is interesting because I found a song/poem that he wrote for his Greenpeace friend who died a few years ago and I thought that it would be really fitting to read Paulo's own gift to someone [Richard Watson – Greenpeace activist] that died. It says "My old friend by Paulo Mellett". My old friend, when will we see you again on the other side the other shore? When we won't carry that weight any more. My old friend, never forget who we were, the mark that you left on this world was to us such a warm glow. There you lie under your tree we buried you together, we buried you deep Now you are laughing out from every leaf in every forest I'll ever see.

And you're not afraid and you're not alone 'cos it ain't going away, it's just going home. And the ripple may end but the river flows on and you'll always be part of this we'll always be one. ... Ah – there's one other thing – one of the things I was going to say: even though we had a wonderful relationship, amazing and blah blah blah – I don't know how two people who talk too much could live together. That is still a mystery and a miracle to me [picks up large knife]. And following some guidance – this is Paulo's favourite knife from Finland and I received some guidance to give it to someone. I've already given the little one; and the big one – it's an object of power and responsibility and I've been guided to give it to you [hands to Simon] – from Paulo. Simon One of the jokes we've had – this is the least appropriate things you can give – at least he went out with all his fingers. This blooming big knife was used to open every coconut and every pineapple. We had to stop him from buying coconuts and pineapples in the back of a 4X4 because he would then swing and try to cut open but he always managed to do it. Other than that, I'm completely speechless. Ruth Well, it's yours now. Simon Well, I'd better be careful with it.