"Pins and Pomade; or, Like Cures Like." Screenplay by Talia Felix

7/28/2019 "Pins and Pomade; or, Like Cures Like." Screenplay by Talia Felix

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LONDON, 1775.

INT. HAWTHORN HOUSE - NIGHT

An upper-class home, of an old family with old money thatexisted mainly in older days. The place is decorated with

ornate furniture of mainly baroque and earlier make, prettybut not unused. There are a couple of portrait-paintings froma century or two prior. There is a burning fireplace, aroundwhich are pasted a few keepsake drawings and some printedsheet music. Seated on the floor in front of the fireplaceare PENELOPE HAWTHORN and EUSTACE PAYNE, both about 40 yearsold. Eustace has dark, curly hair and is of a somewhatnervous disposition. Penelope is pretty and more even-tempered. They are cuddled up happily in each others arms.They lean in to kiss each other, when suddenly are theyinterrupted by a loud knocking from the door. They pause, andEustace rises to see what it is. He walks away and disappearsfrom the scene. Sounds of opening a door a ways off can be

heard.

Penelope waits patiently before the fire, and begins to warmher hands. A moment later there is the sound of the doorclosing, and Eustace returns. He appears shocked. Penelopelooks up eagerly, and sees his distress. She stands.

PENELOPE

What -- ?

EUSTACE

My father!

PENELOPE

He --

EUSTACE

-- Died!

There is a pause. Penelope tries to wait for Eustacesreaction, but she does not succeed in repressing a smile.Eustace sees her smile and smiles with her. They make excitednoises and joyously throw their arms around each other.

CUT TO:

INT. AMBASSADORS HOUSE - SERVANTS QUARTERS - NIGHT

Primitive bunk beds are lining the walls. The room isrelatively bare, but for a few personal clothing items hungup on hooks, and some cabinets presumably holding moreclothes. The place is dark; the MEN appear to be asleep intheir beds.


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One fellow in particular, WALTER SMITH, becomes our focus. Heis a handsome young man, about 20, blonde with rosy ears andcheeks, though he seems not too well cared for. He almostnever smiles, but possesses some charm to him nevertheless.He is asleep in his dirty, beat-up clothes. He is verystrong, though on the small side. In his bed with him he hasa large wrapped bundle of goods, upon which one arm is always

resting.

A male figure, a THIEF (probably a fellow servant), creepsthrough the dark. He is going for Walter -- or morespecifically, Walters bundle. He approaches the bed andbegins slipping the bundle out from Walters arms, trying tosteal it.

The moment the bundle is removed from his arms, Walter wakes.He perceives all thats happening and in a flash is out ofbed, full of adrenaline, standing before the Thief. Walterpunches: bam, bam, bam! The Thief, barely knowing what hithim, is nearly knocked backwards, and begins making some

futile efforts at fighting back. Other men in the quartersbegin to wake up from the commotion.

The fight doesnt last long: few can match Walter inferocity. The Thief retreats, empty-handed. Walter kicks himas hes leaving. He waits a moment to ensure that the Thiefwont come back, and then retrieves his bundle from thefloor, and sits down on his bed. The other men start going toback to sleep, shrugging the matter off: this is no uncommonoccurrence.

Walter, needing to unwind after that, takes from his bundle a

giant, old-fashioned bottle of gin. He uncorks it, and beginsto drink, heavily, as he lies back down on the bed, his otherbelongings clutched all the more firmly in his arms.

As Walter lays there, another ARM reaches down from the bunkabove him, and attempts to grab the bundle away while Walteris distracted by the alcohol. Walter, hardly phased, holdsthe bottle of gin in his mouth so it doesnt fall, andattacks the arm, breaking the fellows wrist. The armvanishes back to the top bunk, and Walter finds himselfforced to put his bundle underneath himself to guard it. Hesquirms: it is an uncomfortable position, and Walter chugsmore gin to dull it.

CUT TO:

INT. AMBASSADORS HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

A female COOK is working away at a small wood-burning stove,cooking up breakfast for the Ambassador and his family.


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A few other servants are in the kitchen as well, gobblingdown minimal breakfasts before heading off to work.

Walter comes into the kitchen, dressed fully: he also owns acoat, vest, and shoes, all well worn. The sole of one shoeflaps around partly detached as he walks. He carries hisbundle too, but its substantially smaller now as only a few

items remain therein (he wears the rest.) In his other hand,he holds his bottle of gin, half-empty now. He goes towardthe cook. Near her is a basket of pretty white-bread rolls.Walter reaches for some of the rolls, and at once the Cookreacts and whacks Walter over the head with her wooden spoon.Walter clutches at his head, and the cook points across theroom to a basket of ugly, deformed dark rolls.

Walter crosses and goes over to the other basket, and takesup a roll of dark bread. He puts it to his mouth and tries totake a bite of it; however, the bread is so hard that itmakes a loud crunching noise, and Walter pulls it away,rubbing now at his jaw and teeth. He stares at the roll for a

moment, then he goes to a cupboard and gets out a woodenbowl, into which he puts the roll. He then takes his gin andpours some on top of it.

With the roll now adequately softened, Walter picks offlittle pieces of it to eat, and drinks some more gin inbetween bites, and he walks out of the room whilst consuminghis fine breakfast.

CUT TO:

EXT. AMBASSADORS HOUSE - THE STABLES - DAY

The gentlemans stables, full of horses. Walter, carrying hisbundle still, enters the frame: that bundle never staysunattended. The stables are smallish, and near the house, asthis is mid-city property and space is at a premium.

It is a pretty English spring day all around, though in themiddle of a city there isnt a lot of greenage about. Still,there are birds, and breezes, and a few landscape trees onthe small grounds.

Walter gets to work and gives a quick glance over each stall,

examining them. He calculates something out on his fingers.Just as he turns to start his work, a bright female voicecalls out to him:

GIULIETTA (O.S.)Walter? Walter?

Walter moves toward the voice. A bit of a smile manages topass along his face as he approaches.


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Leaning out from a large window on the bottom floor of thehouse, with a big smile that reveals her charmingly crookedteeth since braces havent been invented yet, is GIULIETTAANDREINI, the Italian Ambassadors daughter. She is about 17years old, a very pretty girl, cute as a button, with darkhair and a perky, cheerful bearing in general that can verge

on skank: she would probably be a cheerleader nowadays. Sheswearing a beautiful green and white dress made in the latestfashion, and in her hand has a glass of what appears to bediscolored milk. Walter walks over to her at the window.Giulietta holds out the cup at him.

GIULIETTATake a taste of this.

Walter takes the cup. Giuliettas approach is good-natured,complaining as to a friend. While she talks, Walter managesto drink the whole thing in one drink, not really thinkingabout it. Walter realizes his error and, attempting to

conceal his actions from Giulietta, takes his gin bottle fromhis sack of goods.

GIULIETTA (CONTD)It is milk punch. Tis combinedfrom milk, sugar, water and brandy.Father says I have oer-saturatedthis in the brandy. I think it isnot so -- I combind the parts assaid; and so I seek your say on thematter. Is it too much?

He refills Giuliettas cup with gin and gives it back.

WALTERIt might be.

Giulietta takes a drink from the cup and, by her face, isdisgusted by the strength of the beverage. She tries not tospit it out all over Walter.

GIULIETTAThe liquor must ha set to thebottom...

Trying to change the subject, Walter gestures at the sleeveof her dress.

WALTERWhats this material?

Giulietta, pleased at the mention of her gown, leans out thewindow in an effort to show off the gown better. She leanstoo far and nearly falls out the window.


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Walter catches her before she hits the dirt. Giuliettadoesnt object, but, the position they are now in too closelyresembles an embrace. Embarrassed, Walter worriedly releasesher, and she falls again, out the window, landing in asitting position at Walters feet. Walter helps her back toher feet, trying to touch her as little as possible.Giulietta dusts herself off.

GIULIETTAThe material -- it is from a placeheight Mexico; very far off. Tissome American place, I think.

WALTERThe American? Is that the ale-houseby Milk Street?

GIULIETTAFarther still. I am told we arehaving a war with it.

WALTER(genuinely surprised)

Oh!

Walter looks around a little nervously, looking for signs ofthis war.

GIULIETTAIn the colonies. Do you not readthe news-papers?

Walter shakes his head. Suddenly behind Walter, the OFFICIALGROOM appears; a cranky, mean old man. He is carrying ashovel.

GROOMWalter! To work, to work!

He begins to beat Walter with the shovel. Giulietta looksshocked and worried, and gestures frantically with her handsfor him to stop. Walter automatically tries to shieldhimself. The Groom prods him away from Giulietta with theshovel, and they walk from view of her.

Walter resumes tending to the horses and stables. He setsdown his bundle near himself so as to work more freely.

ANOTHER THIEF comes along, apparently out of Walters sight,and begins inching toward the bundle, his eyes clearly fixedupon it. He gets at it, and bends down to pick it up.


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Walter catches sight of this. Before the Other Thief has timeto fully rise from stooping down, Walter punches him in theface, knocking him flat, and takes back his bundle. Walterplans to walk away, but when he turns, the Groom is there,having snuck back in during the meantime. Walter doesnt seemto be doing work! The Groom whacks Walter again with a

shovel, then hands it to him and points to a pile of manure:Get back to work! Walter goes again to his job, rubbing thesore spot where he was hit. The Groom leaves. Walter seemsfor a moment ready to set down the bundle again, but sees theOther Thief still recovering behind him. At that, Walterbegins making ridiculous efforts at holding his shovel andhis baggage together. He finally gives in, and has to tuck upthe bundle in his clothing, making himself look awkward(hunchback, pregnant, enormous ass.) He is able to resumework, however. The Thief finally staggers away.

Alone, Walter pauses to retrieve again his gin bottle, andtakes a big drink. The bottle is emptied -- disappointed,

Walter pours out the last couple drops, tosses the bottleinto the manure pile, and resumes work.

EXT. LONDON STREETS - DAY

London streets in the 18th century are like something from aparticularly bad third world country -- filthy decayingbuildings, free-roaming animals, general squalor. Walterpushes a wagon full of manure and garbage through streetsthat are about a foot thick with the same stuff hes carting.Hes set the bundle atop the pile.

Not taking great notice, Walter passes by a black-drapedcoach and a SMALL PROCESSION OF MOURNERS, most of whom are onhorseback or walking. Eustace Payne and Penelope Hawthorn areamong them. The focus shifts to them.

EUSTACEI cant believe tis ended! My God!

PENELOPEI am sure he loved you, in his way.

EUSTACE

Not that! The inheritance! When hedisowned me, I was sure he meant todeprive me of the inheritance --but being there no other claimant,I had also certainty it was to bean untroubled fight, but -- not sountroubled!


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PENELOPEAre you sure you are not at least amark aggrieved by all this?

EUSTACENot at all! As far as I conceived,

my father died a year agone. Allthis while since, it has been aswere he some kind of moaning ghost,just biding around, watching me a-bed... but any way, this night isthe visit, to-morrow he goes in theground.

Eustace cries out in frustration, not weeping but extremelyfrustrated. Penelope embraces him with one arm.

CUT TO:

EXT. DISTILLERY - NIGHT

Its getting dark. Walter is exiting from a distillery, hisnow-empty cart waiting out front. He emerges holding a near-empty bottle of gin in one hand, and a fresh one in theother. In one moment, he finishes that last of the oldbottle, and resumes his drinking from the new.

EXT. LONDON STREETS - NIGHT

Walter pushes his cart along as it gets darker and darker: noartificial lighting. What streetlight there is comes frommoon, candlelight inside the homes, and occasional (but rare)street-torches.

Still, as Walter continues down the road, he is recognized bya chubby, older man in a white wig (genuine white, not frombeing powdered!) named BERTRICK HODGEKINS. He is dressed inupper-middle class style, and he seems happy to see Walter.He calls out to him and waves.

HODGEKINSWalter! What, there, Walter! That

you?

Walter sees Hodgekins and goes toward him.

HODGEKINS (CONTD)It is you! I am overjoyd to seeyou, Walter -- I ha not seen youall the month. How do matters withthe Ambassador?


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Walter shrugs.

HODGEKINS (CONTD)I know not why I ever sold you tohim. I need ask... tell me...

Hodgekins looks around, like hes afraid to say aloud what hewishes, and he leans in close to Walter.

HODGEKINS (CONTD)Have perchance further of your...ah... elderly aunts resolved todonate their hair to the wigshop oflate?

Both men know that there are no elderly aunts, but they playalong like its true. Its more comforting.

WALTER

Oh! No, not yet, but I might givesome of them visit to-night.

You can totally tell theres something shifty going on here.

HODGEKINSWell, do come to me at once shouldany of them feel like it. I havethe best business of any wigshop intown, thanks to that white hair!Most people need use powder.

WALTERMight I borrow from you a shovel?

HODGEKINSA shovel?

WALTERFor my elderly aunt... it isnecessary to borrow a shovel forher. Id have brought one fromwork, if I was thinking for it.

HODGEKINS

Oh, well... certainly, I might loanyou a shovel.

Hodgekins doesnt dare ask what the shovel is for; there isan uncomfortable silence.

CUT TO:


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EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

Walter, shovel and bundle along, sneaks through thegraveyard, eyeing the tombstones.

The dates all along a row of stones and crosses are shown. Heis singling out graves that look recently filled. He examinesthe dates, underlining them with his fingers, and calculatingthe math problems on his hands. He shakes his head at two orthree prospects, till finally he spots the grave of one JennyWells, 1700 - 1774. Perfect!

Walter sets down his bundle and begins to calculate where tostart his digging. ANOTHER THIEF creeps out of the shadowsand tries to reach for the bag. Walter sees this and thwacksthe Thief with the shovel. The Thief retreats, fleeing theyard.

Walter looks around quickly to ensure that no one else iswatching him. He sees no one, and so, hurriedly, he begins todig.

LATER:

We fade to a good while later, and Walters dug down prettydeep. Hes dug the hole only as large as is needed to becapable of opening the coffin below. The box is stricken, andWalter scoops away dirt from the corners. Standing upon thelid, he begins to reach through his bag of possessions andretrieves a pry-bar from inside, and a pair of scissors. He

moves to the side and start using the bar to pry up thecoffin lid. Once its off and moved aside, even Walter iskind of disgusted by the sight within:

An old womans corpse, a few months along in decay -- a fewmonths of decay is pretty nasty. Shes at the point whereshes all black and swollen up like a burnt marshmallow,liquid insides all seeping out. Her mouth hangs open and hertongue has swollen up and sticks out of her mouth and heryellowed eyes bulge out. She is buried in what was a whitechemise, now stained brown with the liquid that seeps out ofher.

Walter has to struggle to look, especially since the stenchcoming up from the casket is enough to hold most people back.Walter sees what hes after: the old ladys white hair,although it seems to be floating in the congealing fluids atthe bottom of the box.

Walter hesitates, but grits his teeth and reaches in, pullingthe hair up from the sticky mixture.


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With the scissors he starts trying to snip it off as close tothe root as possible, but the pulling on the hair causes itto come loose. He ends up pulling off the entire rottingscalp of the woman, hair still attached. Walter looks likehes about to throw up but he stays more or less stonefaced.Dutifully, he snips away the hair from scalp, letting theliquifying skin fall back into the coffin with a splash.

With all the product gathered, Walter gets out of that holeat once, grabbing up his crowbar and things as fast aspossible. He leaps up to the top, and has to pause for amoment and catch his breath, trying to keep himself frompuking and making this foul smell any worse.

WALTERZounds, what stench!

As soon as hes recovered, he wants to just get away fromthere as quick as he can. He makes some slight effort atkicking a little dirt back into the hole, but starts to run

away without reburying her.

When he tries to run, he is still standing a little too closeto the open grave, and his foot slips, causing him to fallbackward and disappear into the grave and casket. A loudsquishing sound is heard when he lands.

WALTER (O.S.)Oh, eww!

CUT TO:

EXT. LONDON STREET - NIGHT

There is a public fountain near a building on one of thewider streets. Walter approaches it, covered with corpse goo.He pulls from his pocket the mass of white hair hes stolen,and begins to rinse it off. While doing so, he catches awhiff of himself, and sniffs at his jacket. He issufficiently horrified to remove his jacket and throw that inthe water too.

EXT. HODGEKINS WIG SHOP - NIGHT

Walter -- dripping wet -- knocks, then stands at the door toHodgekins apartment (above the wig shop, accessed fromground floor.) Lights in the windows suggest the residentslocation in the building.

Hodgekins, in his dressing gown and nightcap, and holding alit candle, answers the door. Walter holds out the white hairto him.


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Hodgekins seems happy, and refrains from asking questions. Hedoes make an effort not to breathe too enthusiastically.

HODGEKINS(taking the hair, gaggingslightly)

Hem! -- tis queer how your elderly

aunts houses always seem to smellso much like rotten meat!

WALTERAye... umm... tis just what oldpeople smell like.

HODGEKINSCome inside; I have some fragrancewith which I shall spray you whilstI get your payment.

INT. HODGEKINS APARTMENT - NIGHT

In the house of Hodgekins the wigmaker. Not a bad place,pretty Hogarth mid-class. Some herbs, minerals and perfumesare strewn around, and pieces of hair -- work taken home.Hodgekins is sprinkling Walter with a bottle of rose-water.Walter tries to keep from getting it in his eyes. A bigcandle arrangement is nearby to give them light.

Hodgekins sniffs at him.

HODGEKINS

Rose-water is too weak. Ill tryanother.

Hodgekins vanishes briefly, then reappears with anotherbottle. He douses Walter with a few splashes and both menbegin coughing, making noises of disgust, and covering theirnoses.

WALTEROh, God!

HODGEKINSOh! The flowers just make it worse!

Tis like toilette of a month-molding corpse with a wet dog inher lap!

WALTERBut find my money and let me leave!


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Hodgekins swiftly retreats. He begins, once a fair distancefrom Walter, rummaging through drawers trying to findsomething.

HODGEKINSSo whats about with the

Ambassador? Been on good behaviorwith the man?

Walter shrugs.

WALTERScarce do I see him. He makes nocomplaint towards me.

HODGEKINSHere, wear this pomander!

Hodgekins throws an old pomander he found in a drawer. It

hits Walter in the face, but he catches it and sniffs at it.Hodgekins keeps looking for what he wants.

HODGEKINS (CONTD)Well, do nothing which might on mecreate a noxious cast, for you hadbeen my stock. I dont know why Iever sold you to him.

WALTERYou pawned me on a game ofchequers.

HODGEKINSSo so -- Here, rub yourself withthis!

Hodgekins takes a box of pomade and scoops out a dollop,which he slaps onto Walters face before returning to hissearch through the drawers and cabinets. Walter tries to wipethe perfumed grease off his face with his hands.

HODGEKINS (CONTD)How long is left on your indenture,by the bye?

WALTERFaith, it slips my mind.

Walter does a bit of math on his fingers to figure this out.Hodgekins finally finds what he wanted, the coinpurse, andtakes some money from it. He also holds a box of something ashe approaches Walter.


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HODGEKINSHere is your pay.

Hodgekins drops a silver coin into Walters hand. Then hethrows a bunch of white powder on Walter. Walter reacts withhis usual calm but does begin trying to wipe it from his

eyes.

HODGEKINS (CONTD)That is the best-quality perfumedhair powder; make the best of it!Now on your way -- you stink worsethan the cesspit.

Walter turns, partially blind from the powder, and helped byHodgekins makes his way to the door.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. AMBASSADORS HOUSE - SERVANTS QUARTERS - DAY

A new morning: Walter and the other servants are fresh fromtheir beds, dressing for the day. People keep sniffing theair, noticing a curious stench, and the trail always leadsthem to Walters coat. People stare at Walter: Walter staresback.

As Walter dresses, he tries to keep a very close eye on hisbundle, as normal. He makes the mistake of actually lookingat his shoes as he puts them on, and in that instant a

DIFFERENT THIEF runs though like a blur and snatches up thebundle and vanishes off screen. Walter is on his feet in aflash and leaps after the man, apparently bellyflopping ontohim off the screen. Some fighting noises are heard. The otherservants seriously dont care.


The sun is low in the sky, not too long post-rising.

Walter, with a black eye, clutches at his retrieved bundlewith all his might as he comes to the stables, looking around

suspiciously. He looks at his tools -- he clearly wont beable to work with no hands. Walter begins to put down thebundle, then thinks better of it. He briefly puts it underhis arm, then decides that wont work and takes it back out.

Then he gets an idea, and places the bundle against hischest; he starts buttoning his jacket over it, holding itsecurely in place. It seems to work.


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Although he looks weird, the purpose is served, and Waltergoes over to get his shovel. When he bends to pick it up, thebuttons on his jacket all pop off, and his bundle falls outand all the contents spill forth.

Walter is more concerned with keeping hold of his things, andquickly shoves all his stuff back into the bundle, and then

goes about picking up the scattered buttons.

While hes on the floor, of course, the Groom comes up behindhim without being noticed, and at once starts to beat himwith a harness.

GROOMWork! Work! Work you lazy-bonesneer-do-well!

Walter gets to his feet, and the Groom goes away. When thelatter is a small distance off, Walter looks around to ensureno one is watching, then he pulls out his gin bottle and

uncorks it, and drinks down about a quarter of the liquid inone gulp.

LATER:

The sky is much higher -- an hour or two past noon.

Later in the day, Walters barely got an inch of liquid inhis bottle, and he staggers just a little as he works, thoughhes accustomed to working drunk so it isnt overlyinhibiting. He shovels up after the horses. His famous bundleis safely stashed in a hard to reach area nearby.

The sound of a horse riding in can be heard, as well as asoft ticking noise. Walter looks up to see who is coming.

From Walters point of view, we see the Official Groomrunning up to take the horse of REGINALD LIMOSIN, the son ofa minor nobleman. He is about the same age as Walter, butrich, and therefore of a very different appearance -- pale,well-fed, bad teeth from eating sugar. He has in hiswaistcoat a watch-chain, and inside a huge and very noisypocketwatch, about as large as can be still consideredportable -- it seems to drip with cherubs and Rococoasymmetry. On his head, Reginald wears a brown wig that is

powdered to a pale grey, and a tricorn hat. Clouds of whitedust blow off his hair with every movement, and waft acrossthe lot with enough integrity that they hit Walter and causehim to choke on the powder. Walter begins to cough and wipeat his nose.

Reginald goes inside the Ambassadors house, and Walter keepscoughing for a while till all the dust blows away.


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Once he is able to breathe again, the Groom has come to scoldhim for not working, and beats him with a riding crop.

GROOMWork! Work! Work!

The Groom keeps beating Walter as, in the distance, we can

see Reginald and Giulietta leaving the house together, handin hand -- though the size of Giuliettas panniers keep himat distance. The ticking of Reginalds pocketwatch is loudenough that the couple have to talk over it. Reginald pullsthe watch from his pocket to consult it, grunting as he liftsit. Its giant and overdecorated with a practically life-sizecherub and flowers. Its manly because its big.

REGINALDWell! Weve a few hours till dark.Let us go to see a hanging!

Reginald replaces the watch in his pocket. Its weight makes

him slouch.

GIULIETTAI care not for hangings -- they areso dull.

REGINALDThen I suppose we can cut right toa walk, in this quite isolatedstretch of the park where there bethe most amazing bushes!

GIULIETTAHeigh-ho! I must be the only girlin the city whose father neverappoints an overseer...

REGINALDThat is why I spend all my timewith you!

GIULIETTAWhat!

REGINALD

Forget what I said! Hither andhence -- the hanging!

GIULIETTAI do not want to see a hanging! Whynot something else?

REGINALDSure. We can go to The Cockpit.


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GIULIETTA(disquieted)

Is that meant to be a pun?

REGINALDHa! Theres my dirty-witted

Giuliette!(calls at the Groom)

What what! We need our mounts!(at Giulietta)

Ha ha! Mount!

The Groom has to stop beating Walter in order to go off forthe horses. Walter picks himself up from the dirt and triesto dust himself off.

Giulietta smiles at an idea she gets.

GIULIETTA

Ho, Walter! Do come here? Reginaldand myself should enjoy yourcompany!

REGINALDWhat means this?

GIULIETTAOh, be nice to him. He is a friendof mine.

Walter, a little perplexed himself, walks toward Reginald and

Giulietta, leaving his bundle unattended behind him.Immediately a SHADOWY FIGURE zips through the frame andsnatches up Walters famed bundle, which he stupidly wasgoing to leave behind, and vanishes from screen. Waltersface drops at once. He doesnt even have to turn; he knowswhat just happened behind him. There is a split second ofdebate on action, before Walter charges off after the thief,leaving Giulietta and Reginald alone together again. Reginaldsuddenly cheers up again.

EXT. YARD - NIGHT

The Shadowy Figure escapes over a wall to the property of theneighboring house. Walter sprints right after. As they crossa cobblestone walkway, Walter loses his footing and slips,falling to the ground and winding up sliding for about tenfeet across the yard on his belly; giving the thief more thanenough time to fade out of sight.

Walter, though in pain, rises fast to try and catch the man,but its no use.


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In the fall, his coat and breeches have become badly torn,and hes scraped his knee enough that he is bleedingnoticeably. He gives up, and limps back toward theAmbassadors house.


The horses have been brought up for Giulietta and Reginaldand they are alone again. Giulietta patiently -- but nothappily -- endures Reginald taking the opportunity to gropeher through her dress.

Walter staggers back into view, limping and bloody. Giuliettasees him -- her concern is legitimate, and this is a goodchance to get the hell away from Reginald.

GIULIETTAWalter, what happend? Odds life --you are injurd! Come! Come inside

at once!(calling over at Reginald)

My regrets! Theres been a mishap,I shall see you another time!Adieu!

Giulietta takes Walters shoulder and leads him into thehouse. Reginald is left standing alone.

REGINALDHeh. Do.

INT. AMBASSADORS HOUSE - PARLOR - DAY

Walter sits in a chair in front of Giulietta, who sits on asofa -- most of which is taken up by her skirt. GiuliettasMAID sits nearby, working on sewing little strips of clothtogether for some purpose. Giulietta examines Walters bloodyleg.

GIULIETTATis but a scratch -- your clothesbore most of the damage.

WALTERSad news. My clothes do not heal.

GIULIETTAWhat was stolen?


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WALTEROther clothes, my mending supplies,my work tools, shave-razor, as wellas all my hoarded bottles.

GIULIETTA

How awful! Tis fortune, though,that they all are things you mightreplace readily.

Walter stares at Giulietta with a look of obvious confusion,which she sees.

GIULIETTA (CONTD)(clarifying)

You shouldnt have trouble inpurchasing those items anew!

WALTER

With what money? I havent evenadequate gin rations. I am paid inroom and board until my indentureends.

GIULIETTA(joking a bit)

Oh! So then you will be rich.

WALTERI am too poor a man to dare berich.

GIULIETTANevertheless, a thousand thanks forpreserving me from Reginald. I knownot why people tell me I admire himso.

WALTERHow comes he to know you?

GIULIETTAI was at boarding school with hissister...

INT. BOARDING SCHOOL PARLOUR (FLASHBACK) - DAY

A parlor at a girls boarding school -- the GIRLS are behinda sort of grating that keeps them walled off from theVISITORS on the other side. No one today is visiting ELEVENYEAR OLD GIULIETTA, and she wanders around a bit boredly.


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19.

She catches sight through the grate of TWELVE YEAR OLDREGINALD, who, also bored, is carving the word SHIT in largeletters on a wall.

INT. AMBASSADORS HOUSE - PARLOR - DAY

GIULIETTAI conceivd it was very clever,when I was eleven. Alas, I speak tohim at present, and feel as if hehas grown in form alone and mayremain eleven still.

(changing subject)You need a patch for your coat.

Giulietta scurries across the room toward her Maid, and findsa basket full of fabric scraps. She pulls out a piece of hergreen and white Mexican fabric, then goes back to Walter andlays it on the torn elbow of his coat.

GIULIETTA (CONTD)You may use this!

Walter is impressed by the kind gesture.

WALTEROught I to rip my clothing more!

GIULIETTAHm?

Walter shakes his head and waves his hand: Ignore it. Hetakes up a needle and thread from nearby to sew up hisjacket.

CUT TO:

EXT. DR. PAYNES HOUSE - DAY

Eustace is out on the stoop, nailing up a painted sign thatsays FOR PURCHASE - ENQUIRE WITHIN. He has left the frontdoor open, and Penelope emerges, happy. She jumps at Eustacefrom behind and hugs him. Eustace seems happy as well. He

takes up his hammer and remaining nails, and goes with herinto the house.

CUT TO:


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20.


Walter, bandaged and patched, is back at work. His sleevelooks passable but his breeches are irreparably torn andblood-stained. The stables are relatively pristine at this

point, and Walter has taken to moving one box back and forthso as to appear like hes doing something.

WALTER(channeling the Groom)

Work, work, work, you muddy-facdscoundrel...

The door of the house opens, and out comes THE AMBASSADOR,Mister Andreini. He is middle-aged and fat man; a fairlyfriendly character, but not always down to earth. He speakswith a relatively thick accent of some Italian origin, andwears a wig dusted with blonde powder.

Walter sees the Ambassador and decides to approach him. Hewalks to him, and says nothing -- instead he waits for theAmbassador to take notice. Instead the Ambassador begins towalk away, apparently not seeing him. Walter follows closeafter, hoping to be noticed. This continues for a bit untilWalter jumps right in front of the man.

The Ambassador looks up, after a rather long wait.

THE AMBASSADORYes? What is the matter? I know

you?

WALTERI am a servant sir. Your assistantGroom.

THE AMBASSADOROh. Good, what will you?

WALTERI wondered might I be let out for awhile this afternoon to buy someitems I need?

The Ambassador looks him over.

THE AMBASSADORLooking such a way? Your garmentsare a wreck.

WALTERThat is what I need to buy.


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21.

The Ambassador thoughtfully looks Walter over, seeminguneasy.

THE AMBASSADORAnd, I am afeard that I cannothave you going out assembled like

that, in the broad light of day --The people will think I do not takecare of my servants! I will tellyou something -- I will save you ajourney. I will give you a new pairof breeches, from my own closet!Shall that do?

Walter shrugs, nods. The Ambassador smiles and begins to leadhim away.


Walter toils away at work once more, dressed now in a nicepair of gold-colored breeches, that happen to be severalsizes too large for him. He tries to shovel manure with onehand, as the other is needed to hold up the pants -- he hasno belt. In addition, hes becoming extra agitated withoutthe gin to keep him calm. While throwing a shovelful hemanages to hit his hand on a stall door. He reactsdemonstratively.

WALTERCurse it! With the gin I dont feel

this when it happens!

Walter nurses his hand for a moment.

Giulietta comes toward the stable, dressed in a pretty peachand blue gown. Walter manages to calm down for her. Hehitches up the pants and tries to conceal their over-largeness even more.

GIULIETTAI was wondering if you might helpme with something. Theres a boltof fabric on a shelf in the

storeroom, which I need yourassistance in getting down for me.

Though Walter would never refuse Giulietta, he furrows hisbrow and hitches his pants all the more in concern. They walkoff together.


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INT. AMBASSADORS HOUSE - STOREROOM - DAY

Giulietta enters, followed by Walter who is very carefullycarrying both the ladder and his pants, leaning awkwardlybackward so that gravity can assist.

The room is fairly large and full of shelves and cabinets andcoffers filled mostly with surplus 18th century householdsupplies. There is a bolt of white muslin that Giuliettawants from the top of the tallest shelf, and she points toit.

Then to their surprise, Walter and Giulietta realize thatanother male SERVANT is in the storeroom already.

GIULIETTAOh!

SERVANTOh, good-day, miss Giulietta.

GIULIETTAWere now getting some fabric fromthe shelf.

Walter carefully makes an effort to put down the ladder whileclutching at the waistline of his breeches. Just then aSECRETARY enters.

SECRETARY

(to the servant)Jenkins, what takes you so long?(sees Giulietta)

Oh! Good-day, Signorina Giulietta.

GIULIETTAGood-day.

Walter gets the ladder positioned and now must very carefullyclimb it.

SECRETARY(to Giulietta)

Do you need help with any thing?

GIULIETTAOh, no: Walter is achieving it.

SECRETARYWho is Walter?


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Giulietta points at Walter. Everyone stops and begins towatch what Walters doing. Then the Groom can be heard comingin.

GROOM (O.S.)Is that good-for-nothing Smith boy

in here? Did I hear his name?

GIULIETTAHe is here: I askd for him tocome.

The Groom comes in and sees that its Giulietta talking, sohe quiets down his complaints. He joins the rest in carefullyscrutinizing Walters work in getting down the bolt offabric.

Walter, with effort, tries to pick up the bolt of fabric,keep his balance on the ladder, and hold up his breeches. The

bolt throws his balance and he seems about to fall. Walter isforced to use both hands to hold the fabric and balancehimself; he manages to use the bolt to put pressure aroundhis waistband to hold it as he climbs down. His hands takencare of, he begins to descend the ladder, and immediatelyloses his footing and falls to the ground.

Walter instantly snaps back up, not obviously injured. BUT --as soon as his feet are on the ground, he takes one hand anduses it to pull his waistband tighter; as tight as he can getit. He then presses the bolt of fabric against it to hold itin place, and using that same freed hand he then picks up the

ladder to carry it back out of the room. The faces of thespectators show that they are all somewhat impressed withWalter. Walter senses their regard, and he manages a slightsmile, pleased with himself.

Walter and Giulietta are just about to walk out, when theGroom comes forward with a suggestion, and a very hard slapover the head, for Walter.

GROOMNow hurry and get back to work!

Walter, startled by the blow, drops the ladder; it lands on

Giulietta. It doesnt really hurt her -- between the corsetand panniers shes well armored -- but it startles her andknocks her to the floor, landing on top of her.

GIULIETTAOh!


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WALTER(concerned)

Oh!

Walter quickly tries to pick up the ladder again from theflailing Giulietta, and bends over to do so, seizing the

ladder. When he does this, there is a loud tearing sound.Walter pauses, then in horror, he realizes what that noisewas: almost an entire seam on his borrowed breeches has beentorn open, thanks to his pulling it overly tight. The wholeright leg is peeling away from his body, giving a fine viewof the top of one of his stockings and the hem of hisundershirt, as well as perhaps a couple other things Walterwould rather not be showing off.

The Groom, Secretary and Servant all start laughing andsnickering at Walter, who drops the bolt of fabric at onceand tries to hold together the pair of ruined pants. Focusedon the torn leg though, he neglects the overlarge waist and,

forgetting to hold it up, the whole of the breeches collapsearound his knees, leaving just the undershirt to cover thepoor boy. The men laugh even harder, and even Giulietta,sitting up now, cant help but be amused.

Walter at first reacts with his usual stone-faced endurance.But, slowly, his brow furrows: today the gin is not there tokeep him calm. He loses it. Walter, like a madman, completelytakes off the breeches. The men keep laughing, but Giuliettaseems surprised and worried. She tries to look away from whatWalter is doing.

GIULIETTAHeavns! Walter, I have some pinswe could use to patch it --

Walter ignores Giulietta and tries to button up his coat toconceal the pantless state hes in -- but then he realizeshis coat is also buttonless. He makes a noise through histeeth, indicating frustration, and resorts to simply holdinghis jacket shut.

WALTEROff I be to buy some new breechesthat actually fit me; but first,

Im going to buy some tools so Ican make enough money to do so,because this indenture just dontsucceed in that; but first, I amgoing to buy some more gin, that Imight have the patience t endureall the other things! You may beatme afterI come back!


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Walter stomps out, and everyone stares after him.

CUT TO:

EXT. LONDON STREET - DAY

Still breechles, and holding a shovel, Walter makes his wayalong. PEOPLE walking by or riding slowly along on horsescontinue to notice Walters odd appearance as he walks. OneGENTLEMAN makes his glances a bit too obvious, and Waltersees and threatens attack.

WALTERWhat?! What?!

Walter makes fists, and the man runs away. Other people arestaring all the more, but Walter seems to ignore them. Hecontinues up the road till he finds where he is going.

Side by side, right next door to each other, are the gindistillery, and the tool shop. Walter pauses, looking betweenthem, trying to decide which to go in first.

He, of course, picks the distillery.

INT. HARDWARE STORE - DAY

Walter, at the counter with the hardware SHOPKEEPER andconcealed from the waist down, openly drinks from his new,

extra-large bottle of gin. BLACKSMITHS work in an open,garage-like area in the background. The Shopkeeper retrievesfrom behind his little counter a hammer, a crowbar, a pick,and lays them all out in from of Walter.

SHOPKEEPERNine shillings, even.

Walter digs in his pocket for his remaining coins. He doesnthave enough. He pushes the crowbar and hammer from the table.

SHOPKEEPERThree shillings, five.

Walter pays -- three shillings, five pence -- and takes awayhis pick, and his gin; his tools in one arm, drink inanother. As he walks away from the counter, the fact thathes got no breeches can be clearly seen by the Shopkeeperthrough the coat-tails of his jacket.


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EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

The sun has just set as Walter comes into the graveyard, onceagain looking for a corpse to unearth. He swigs some more ginand starts looking at the numbers on the stones. He sees a

proper date: 1705 - 1775. He begins the dig up the grave.

DISSOLVE TO:

LATER:

The grave is hollowed out. A disgusted Walter emerges with ahandful of white hair and a few strands lodged in his teeth.He keeps spitting, trying to get them out.

WALTER(to himself)

Od, how I wish Id rememberd tobuy scissors!

He picks the strands form his teeth and adds them to thepile, then pockets the lot in his jacket. Hes not sodisgusted as last time; this body was fairly fresh. Still, heneeds to refuel with another swig of gin.

Walter looks around the graveyard, to check the time and seethat theres no one around. He begins to look around at thestones again. After passing over a few he sees one:Bartholomew Payne, 1698 - 1775. He looks down and sees that

the dirt is still fresh; he easily picks up a fistful in hishand. He moves on to the shovel, and begins again to dig.

We watch a montage as he digs down, foot by foot. About twofeet away from the coffin lid, a sound is heard, like aperson yelling from far away. Walter stops, startled, andpeeks out over the edge of the hole, into the graveyard. Noone there.

Shrugging it off, Walter resumes his digging, only to hearthe noise again. Walter looks around again, and hears itagain. Suddenly he looks down at the ground, realizing: It iscoming from inside the coffin.

Walter starts to dig more frantically, and the sound grows inits intensity. Soon the coffin is revealed, the lid vibratingfrom fists inside pounding on it. Walter works his fastest todust it off, then pries it open with his shovel. Inside isrevealed --

DOCTOR BARTHOLOMEW PAYNE, seventy-seven years old, plump, andvery much alive.


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(MORE)

He is wrapped in a funeral shroud and looks, sensibly,completely traumatized. He keeps screaming and making noisesfor a moment even after Walters uncovered him; Walter juststares at him, no idea what to say here.

LATER:

We cut to a little while later, and Walter and Dr. Payne aresitting up on the edge of the hollowed-out grave. Walter hasgiven over both his jacket and his gin for the doctorscomfort, and Payne utilizes both gratefully. Walters lack ofbreeches is all the more clear now, and he carefully tries tokeep his undershirt pulled down over his thighs.

DR. PAYNEI awoke and I believed myself to bein Hell! A very tiny Hell! Shouldyou have not come along anddisclosed me, I know not whatshould have been!

(drinks more)No, no. I know precisely whatshould have been; I should haveslowly starved and suffocated toextinction! It is beyond fortune --by Gods will alone that you heardmy cries and found me!

Walter forces himself to nod in response, like this is true.

DR. PAYNE (CONTD)My poor boy, what hath brought you

out to this graveyard on a nightlike this? And looking in such asorry state!

Walter squirms.

WALTEROh... I was taking a shortcut to myelderly aunts house... and Iwas... bringing her a shovel... tosell for... fabric, so that shecould make some breeches for me.

Dr. Payne looks down at the coat and sees the pocketful ofwhite hair. He pulls it out.

DR. PAYNEWhat is this?

WALTEROh! Ummm -- it is the hair of mysame aunt.


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WALTER(cont'd)

She cut it off and told me I shouldsell it to the wigmaker. I...uhh... had not the heart to sellit, though.

DR. PAYNEGood heavns! You unfortunate lad!

Well, come home with me, would you?I shall have an order sent out atonce for some new breeches --gracious! A whole new suit! It isthe very least that I might do foryou, you poor young man! You havesaved me from an horrible demise!Come along!

Dr. Payne rises and walks off, dragging Walter by the arm.

CUT TO:

EXT. DR. PAYNES HOUSE - NIGHT

Same house from before, and Walter and Dr. Payne arrivebefore it in their half-dressed states. The hand-paintedEnquire Within sign is still sitting out on the steps.

DR. PAYNEHere is my home -- what on earth?Now who would do something likethat?!

Dr. Payne sees the sign. He angrily grabs it up, and thenbegins to pound with his fist on the front door. Walterstands behind him, uncomfortably, pulling his shirt downmore.

There is a sound from behind the door like someone stumblingthrough a dark house and knocking things over, and then thedoctors heavy-set maid, CHARLOTTE, answers the door, in hershawl, bonnet and chemise. Dr. Payne addresses her at once.

DR. PAYNEWhat is the meaning of this sign?

Charlotte sees the doctor, supposedly dead, and standingthere in his shroud. She immediately starts to scream.

DR. PAYNE (CONTD)Oh! Now Charlotte! Do stop that!

Charlotte screams a couple more times, and then faints. Thedoctor seems annoyed by this.


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DR. PAYNE (CONTD)(to Walter)

My boy, do come in, and allow me tosolve this trifle very quickly.

Both men step inside the house.

INT. DR. PAYNES HOUSE - PARLOR - NIGHT

Walter, stone-faced as always, comes in. The doctor goes overto a cabinet full of bottles, and takes up a small one markedas sal volatile. He opens it and holds it over by Charlottesface.

Charlottes face crinkles at the horrible odor of the salts,and she awakens immediately to see Dr. Payne staring down ather. She immediately sits up, screams, springs to her feetand runs straight out the door, still screaming. The doctor

frowns as she disappears into the night.

DR. PAYNE (CONTD)(to Walter)

She is usually a very good maid.

Dr. Payne puts his arm around Walter to lead him off into thenext room.

INT. DR. PAYNES HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Dr. Payne opens the door, with Walter trailing behind him,holding a candle. They start to enter the dark room.

DR. PAYNEHere. Let us see if we might findsome temporary garments for you --

Suddenly, a figure sits up from the bed, startled by theintrusion. Startled as well, Dr. Payne jumps.

DR. PAYNEOh, la!

In the bed is Eustace Payne, the doctors son, who we sawbefore. With him in the bed is Penelope, who is groggilylooking around. Dr. Payne and Eustace seem equally surprisedto see each other.

EUSTACEFather!


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DR. PAYNEWhat on earth? Eustace? What areyou about in here? And -- is thatshe?!

EUSTACE

You are supposed to be dead! Thishouse is my inheritance!

DR. PAYNEI disowned you last year, knave! Iam not dead yet, and even were Iso, you would not be getting a jotof mine -- I made that perfectlyclear in my Will and Testament, youscoundrel! And unless you havemarried since my supposed death, Iwant you away from that creature atonce!

EUSTACE(bratty)

I am disowned: what right have younow to dictate my actions?

DR. PAYNEThe fact that you are in my houseillegally! Out of here, at once! Ishall grant you a moment to dressyourselves.

Dr. Payne and Walter back out the door, and Payne slams it.

INT. DR. PAYNES HOUSE - CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Payne and Walter stand in the hall.

DR. PAYNEForgive me. That was my scoundrelof a son, Eustace, whose treacheryforced me to disown him a fewmonths past; behavior such as hiscannot be rewarded. It seems he

hath taken the news of my death alittle too well.

(pause)Let us downstairs, and I will makesome brandy toddies to warm uswhile we wait for Eustace to goaway.

Dr. Payne leads the way downstairs, and Walter follows.


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Still sitting in the bed, Penelope shows an expression ofbeing confused and stunned; Eustace shows one of being fullytraumatized, with tears trying to escape from his eyes.

INT. DR. PAYNES HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Paynes kitchen appears to be also his laboratory -- besidesthe woodburning stove and hanging cuts of meat are, on theother side of the room, lots of beakers, herbs, strangemedical sculptures, and astronomy equipment.

Dr. Payne and Walter sit at a table, sipping glasses ofsteaming hot brandy toddies while wrapped in dressing gowns.An oil lamp and an early version of a bunsen burner (largerthan we see nowadays), and lots of sliced lemons are on the

table before them. Behind, lit with the candles, are thedoctors two servants Charlotte and his valet NATHAN. Theservants look seriously weirded out. They stare at theDoctor. The Doctor stares at them. Walter stares ateverything.

NATHANSo youre not really dead, sir?

DR. PAYNENot dead: quite alive.

The doctor makes a stop gesture with his hand.

CHARLOTTEYou didnt move, didnt wake...

DR. PAYNEI told you I was to try a new formof medicine on myself!

(to Walter)There is a new theory in medicinewhich declares that like shouldcure like -- a wonderful discoverywhich shall surely heal many ills!

Thus I consumd a bottle of arsenicand laid my head in the oven!

WALTER(pause)

...What did you seek to cure?


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DR. PAYNEI sought to make myself immortal!And it worked -- I did not die!

Payne looks boastfully at the servants. He begins to reheathis toddy over the gas burner.


Just outside the door, Eustace and Peneleope are dressed andpressed flat against the wall panels, trying to stay hiddenand eavesdrop. Payne and Walter can be seen through the door.

DR. PAYNE (CONTD)Still, this young man wasinestimable toward the preservingof my life. I wish to reward himwell -- not every man might halt in

his course and race to undig a bodymerely for that he heard thescreams from the earth. Why, mostmen should take it for a hell-fiend!

INT. DR. PAYNES HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Walter shows confusion as he tries to figure out what Paynemeans. Suddenly he realizes how Paynes misinterpretedevents. Walter seems surprised, and makes a slight vocal

stagger like he wants to correct him before realizing thatconfessing might not be a great idea. He shuts up and drinkshis toddy.

Dr. Payne rises from his chair.

DR. PAYNEI wish to repay him well for thedeed. Nathan, please go out at onceand bring hither Greyson thetailor, and tell him to bring hissilks and satins.

Nathan nods and goes out the door.


Eustace and Penelope scramble, looking around desperately fora hiding place.


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Penelope turns to run and winds up wedging her panniersagainst the walls of the narrow passage, becoming stuck. Shereaches out for Eustace, who turns and sees her problem andbegins trying to push/pull her free.

Nathan enters the corridor and finds his way blocked byPenelope. He says nothing, but looks for a way around her.

Eustace and Penelope force Were harmless smiles at Nathan,in embarrassment.

After a moment of examining things for a way out, Nathanfinally ducks and crawls underneath Penelopes skirt,emerging on the other side. Penelope shoots him a look but istoo concerned with trying to free herself. Nathan leaves, andEustace and Penelope are left to figure out their problem.

Eustace bends down and begins to pull upward on Penelopesskirt and panniers, dragging the hoops along the wall untilher skirt is up around her armpits. At last, someirregularity in the wall or angle to which the hoops are

pushed allows a bit of space, and Penelope is able to freeherself. Once released, she and Eustace hurry out, Penelopeholding her skirts at an angle.

Just after Eustace and Penelope disappear, Dr. Payne andWalter emerge from the kitchen

DR. PAYNE(to Walter)

Up this way.

He motions for Walter to follow him towards something.

CUT TO:


Dr. Payne and Walter are back in the bedroom. The chandelieris lit above for the best light, while GREYSON the tailor isat work, crouched on the floor, pinning strips of muslinagainst Walters skin to make a pattern. Walter already hason a new white shirt of silk.

Greyson works his way up Walters inseam. About halfway down

Walters thigh, he places a pin, and pricks him by accident:Walter jumps a little in response.

GREYSONPardon.

Greyson pins up one higher, and pricks Walter likewise again.


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GREYSONPardon.

Greyson is now set to pin at Walters crotch. Walter seemsworried but luckily the pinning progresses smoothly thistime.

DR. PAYNE(to Walter)

I do think you ought to have chosenthe red satin, not the grey. Itquite became you.

WALTERIt is no matter. The suit shallonly be worn for mucking stables.

DR. PAYNECleaning the stables in a suit such

as that? My boy -- vested well, Iimagine you could get for yourselfany job for which you might long.

WALTERIm indentured: Tis against thelaw to abandon my job. I could bearrested; Id go to prison!

Dr. Payne shakes his head: Such a pity!

DR. PAYNE

I observe you are too righteous aman to conceive of breaking thelaw...

Walter groans, frustrated.

DR. PAYNE (CONTD)...But, as it goes with indentures,is ones pay not held until the endof the term? Were you to leave itshould scarce be seen as thieving!I say it is certain your mastershould never think more of it, and

unless some tattleblab were tocomplain, no man should everthinkmore of it, if you left. Any manever born can scoop horse dung --to replace you should be no burdenat all.


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WALTER(worried)

Yet were I to leave... I shouldhave to rob graves all the time!

Payne laughs, thinking its some kind of joke.

DR. PAYNEYou have shewn your skill with ashovel!

Walter hangs his head sadly.

DR. PAYNEMy poor boy! You have such greatpotential! Why, when I was yourage, I had just commenced themaking of my fortune. A good, moralfellow such as you --

(gets an idea)You have preserved my life, and Ido not take such a favor lightly.Indeed, for saving my life, I shallhelp you to make yours! Yes! As Ihave said, there is but one thingthat lacks in my life, and that isa son, and heir to whom I mightleave my fortune. So, my dearWalter, I shall adopt you as if youwere my own son! You may stay hereand live with me, and I will help

you to establish an occupation anda new life for yourself! And whenit comes that morbid death dothtruly take me, I shall leave all Ihave to you. With my second life itseems hath too come a second chanceto raise a virtuous son; and thereis none in the world more deservingthan you! Yes, my boy -- from nowon you shall be my son!

Dr. Payne embraces Walter, causing all the pins to fly out ofhis pattern-outfit.

GREYSONSon of a bitch!

Greyson hurries to re-pin everything.

Nathan enters and approaches, holding Walters old clothes.


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(MORE)

NATHANSir? What shall I do with these?

DR. PAYNEOh, burn them! They have no use.

Nathan begins to leave with them. Walter reaches fast andseizes Nathan. Not noticing, Dr. Payne speaks as if tohimself, contemplating, while things play out with Nathan andWalter.

DR. PAYNE (CONTD)And they smell so bad andstrangely... tis alike to... to afragrant rose garden with a deadhorse decaying before it... or acatacomb mixd with a perfumedcesspit, or -- like horses, dungand death asperged oer with

perfume and gin -- that is it!

Walter retrieves his coat from the pile of clothing Nathanholds, and tears the patch of Mexican cotton that Giuliettagave him from the sleeve. Walter releases Nathan to continuewhat he was doing.

CUT TO:


Penelope sits in a chair while Eustace paces nervously backand forth before the fire. They are both distressed.

EUSTACEI cannot believe that circumstancehath fallen so -- has fallen so!Gods life, it is as if he yetpossesses me!

PENELOPEWell, tis surely not so bad. Weare not any worse off for whathappend. The only loss was for the

burial, and that was paid by hisown money.

EUSTACEIndeed; for we have none ourselves!A plague ont -- my father died atsuch an opportune time! Then justwhen it seemd that our troubleswere solved, he lives anew.


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EUSTACE(cont'd)

(looks around)Mayhaps we can sell some of thebaubles here!

Eustace indicates some of the old furniture.

PENELOPE

You should have to ask my brother.He is the one that lets us livehere, and owns it.

EUSTACEAh, good old Alex. At least one inyourfamily still speaks to you.

PENELOPEI should rather never speak more toany of them than to be obligated tosee that husband I have again.

Eustace finally sits down, though he vibrates with anxiety.

PENELOPE (CONTD)Hark -- he is commenced in old age,as it is. But wait for him to dieagain, if you need! At this stateit is not as though he shall springsome new son from a dungheap.

Eustace sighs, relaxing a bit. She is right.

CUT TO:


The Groom is standing next to a big dungheap, looking around,a bit bewildered. From her window, Giulietta watches withanother milk punch in hand.

GROOMWhere is that good-for-nothingWalter? I hant seen him since noonlast!

GIULIETTA(calls out)

Did he not return?

GROOMNot if I knowt!


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(MORE)

The Groom wanders off to take care of business himself.Giulietta is a bit worried. She takes a big drink of herpunch.


Walter, looking dashing in his new grey and red suit, walksalong the street with the doctor. Walter still keeps a (big)bottle of gin in his pocket, and Dr. Payne is carrying apurse of coins and wearing a nice brooch on his neckerchief.

DR. PAYNEThe tailor hath your order for fourmore suits, that shall be deliveredwithin the week. Today we shallproceed and obtain everything elseyou will need.

A PICKPOCKET accidentally-on-purpose bumps into the doctorand snatches his brooch.

DR. PAYNE(unaware)

Oh!

PICKPOCKETOh! Sorry, sir!

The Pickpocket continues to walk away. Walter, however, hasnoticed this. He turns and runs after the fellow, and Dr.

Payne looks confused as to this action.

WALTER(to the pickpocket)

You have taken the doctors brooch.

PICKPOCKETI know not what youre talkingabout!

Walter beats the pickpocket down to the ground. Pickpocketscreams and thrashes and its sort of clear Walter is being abit excessive in his beating, but ultimately the pickpocket

lies still and Walter takes the brooch back over to thedoctor.

DR. PAYNE(impressed, surprised)

My boy! What a scene that was! Youmight be a soldier with such brawn!

(getting an idea)


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DR. PAYNE(cont'd)

Yes, it would be quitebelievable... I have an idea. Allowme to explain.

CUT TO:

INT. HAT SHOP - DAY

Walter tries out an assortment of tricorn hats with differentdetails and fabrics. Dr Payne talks to him in a low voice soothers wont overhear.

DR. PAYNEWe will say that you are my son, mytrue son. It will give youcredibility.

INT. SHOEMAKERS SHOP - DAY

Walter, wearing his new silver-edged tricorn, examinesdifferent makes of shoes and tries to pick the one he likesbest. The Doctor continues to talk.

DR. PAYNEWe might pretend you are a soldier -- a captain! You have been away atwar, and that is why you have notbeen seen.

INT. GLOVERS SHOP - DAY

Walter tries on a pair of leather gloves, as the doctor talksinto excitement.

DR. PAYNEWe shall give you a new name --Captain Crispin Payne! My dear son,who hath so valiantly fought forhis country, and is now returned atlast! Sounds this well enough?

Walter shrugs. He turns to the doctor.

WALTERHow is that spelld?

INT. HODGEKINS WIG SHOP - DAY

Inside the shop, the decor of the room is simple, but thewigs displayed all about are far from it.


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This is the 1770s, the height of wigs -- in both senses. Thetall, elaborate things so closely associated with the 18thcentury belonged to this decade alone, and we see some fineexamples of Hodgekins work. It will be noticed that most ofthe wigs are not white, but are in natural hair colors. Butthanks to Walters effort, Hodgekins has a little row ofgenuine white wigs lined up along the back of the shop, and

which are presently being examined by a well-dressed MAN andWOMAN. Hodgekins leans in over their shoulders.

WOMAN(to the man)

I am not sure... I like this whiteone so much better, but tis somuch more expensive!

HODGEKINSAh, but think of it, madam -- withits being white of hue already, youshould save so much on powder that

in a years time, the price shallhave equalled itself!

The Man examines the price tag with a frown. The Woman hmmms.

WOMANWell, I do suppose it should spareme the plague of cleaning after it,and of all that powder falling onthe furniture... heigh-ho! I guessthat I will have it!

(to the man)

Shall we send Jimmy for it, dear?

MAN(to Hodgekins)

My valet shall be in later to takeit over to us.

HODGEKINSSurely, surely. I will reserve ithere for you.

Across the room, unnoticed, Dr. Payne enters the shop withWalter, in his new suit, new hat, new shoes and new gloves.

MAN(to Hodgekins)

From whence do you obtain the whitehair?

HODGEKINSOh, I merely take whatever shouldcome in. Is that all for you today?


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MANYes, I believe so.

WOMANThank you, Mister Hodgekins!

The Man and Woman leave, and Hodgekins takes up the wig andputs it behind his table. Across the room, Dr. Payne somewhatprods Walter.

DR. PAYNEUp and introduce yourself; ask fora wig.

Walter looks worried, though Payne would not know the reasonwhy.

DR. PAYNEBe not so timid; you are a soldier,

by heavn! Look bold, and forward.

Walter forces himself to straighten up, and making a somewhatexaggerated effort at looking bold, he goes up to Hodgekins,hoping he wont be recognized. He musters a little courage,and, finally prepared to speak, opens his mouth --

HODGEKINSWalter, is that you?

Hodgekins starts to laugh, having immediately recognized hisacquaintence, and Walter looks embarrassed and shrinks back.

DR. PAYNEAh! Is our cover so swiftly tornback down?

HODGEKINSOh, I know this young man ratherwell! And sure, it seems thatWalter is doing rather well forhimself!

WALTERTis not Walter now, tis Captain

Crispin Payne, if you please.

HODGEKINS(condescending)

Oh, fine, fine. And I take it thatyou come here for a wig to go withthis fine new regalia?


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DR. PAYNEIndeed, sir -- you have a finereputation for selling them. Let ussee one of your best.

HODGEKINS

Certainly! How might you fancy awhite one?

Hodgekins turns to grabs up a white mans wig full of curls.Walter suddenly goes pale and makes a horrified face -- heknows damn well where those white wigs come from.

WALTERAh! Ah!

Walter shakes his head and stops Hodgekins. He points to thedarker wigs instead.

Hodgekins crosses the room and carefully grabs up a hideousbraided wig in black, in the Macaroni style. He takes it toWalter and, after removing the new tricorn, puts it on him.Some of Walters own messy blonde hair hangs out still.

DR. PAYNEIt looks well on you.

HODGEKINS(to Walter)

Would you like to keep your ownhair, or shall I trim it, or shave

it off? To shave it does well todiscourage lice.

Walter thinks for a moment, then nods.

WALTEROnly trim it some, and hide therest beneath the wig. My lice donot bother me so much.

CUT TO:


Walter, face clean-shaven and with his own blond hair nowhidden under his new black wig, walks with Dr. Payne. He islike a whole new person.


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DR. PAYNEExcellent, excellent! Why, youcould now pass for a minornobleman!

(pause)There is but one detail,

forsooth... every good soldier Ihave seen hath possessed adistinctive walk, most dauntless...stand to straight. Let me see youmove.

Walter tries to straighten himself up a little more, thoughthe cut of his clothes holds him fairly upright already.

DR. PAYNE (CONTD)More, more...

Walter straightens himself so much he is actually leaning

backwards. Dr. Payne looks around and spots a little coveredalley.

DR. PAYNE (CONTD)Oh, here, come this way.

Dr. Payne motions Walter toward the alley, and they goinside, Walter remaining in his backwards leaning posture.

INT. ALLEY - DAY

Dr. Payne and Walter duck into the six-foot wide old-fashioned alley, with a dirt floor and an open sewer runningdown the middle. Walter and Payne carefully avoid stepping inthe mucky water as the latter continues his instruction.

DR. PAYNEStraighten out your neck... raiseyour head up high -- you are agrand warrior, look bold and proud.Keep your arms stiff, chest out...

Walter does as told, and looks utterly ridiculous, moresowith each move.

DR. PAYNE (CONTD)Now walk, bigger steps, make longstrides... you have seen a soldierwalking, have you not? Stiffen yourlegs...


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It is a miracle that Walter hasnt fallen over, and more of amiracle that Dr. Payne hasnt noticed how incredibly stupidWalter looks trying to manage this walk.

DR. PAYNE (CONTD)Remember to swing your arms when

you step... the opposite arm toyour leg... good!

If you can picture a giraffe trying to walk upright on itshind legs, that is about how Walter looks right now.

DR. PAYNE (CONTD)That is excellent! Be ever certainyou should walk in just that mannerwhenever people are about. Ah...such a long day, eh? Let us to theclub for some supper. After that,we shall commence work towards the

amendment of your vulgar and low-class

(language, bungled)-- wordies.

WALTERWordies?

DR. PAYNE(covering for the slip)

Yes.

Dr. Payne walks out of the alley, and Walter trying tomaintain his soldier walk follows. Immediately, he steps inthe sewer after having tried so hard to keep out of it.Walters soldier walk vanishes and is replaced with a limp ashe follows after the doctor in his wet, vile shoe.

CUT TO:

INT. DINING CLUB - DAY

Walter and Dr. Payne sit at a table with plates full of roastbeef with no vegetables. To drink, they have tall glasses of

beer. The WAITER goes away, and Dr. Payne begins to cut intohis food. Walter seems to watch him carefully. Walter beginsto greedily dig into his meat and swiftly swallow down hugemouthfuls. Dr. Payne watches, surprised.

WALTERIve never eaten a roast beefbefore. What is a beef?


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45.

Walter gobbles down more.

DR. PAYNECow. Beef is the French way to sayit.

(pause)

How doth one like you fall in theplace of an indentured servant tobegin with?

Walter takes a drink of beer to wash down the food so hemight speak. As he talks, he pulls his bottle of gin from hispocket and begins to fortify his beer with it.

WALTERMy parents died, and the orphanshome was too terrific to stay atless the gin rations...

EXT. LONDON STREETS - FLASHBACK - DAY

Walters history is illustrated. We see NINE YEAR OLD WALTER,squeezing his way into a small hole under a house.

WALTER (V.O.)Thus I mucked cesspits till I grewtoo large to fit in them.

Young Walter emerges from the hole filthy, with handfuls ofhuman waste which he deposits outside.

EXT. CEMETERY - FLASHBACK - DAY

FOURTEEN YEAR OLD WALTER in the graveyard goes with hisshovel, and starts to dig.

WALTER (V.O.)Then I had work for a wigmaker --shoveling --

INT. DINING ROOM - FLASHBACK - DAY

Some dinner party involving Hodgekins, The Ambassador and afew OTHER MEN of upper ranks has degenerated into gambling ona game of chequers (throwing the chip on the board bettingwhat color it lands on.) Ambassador and others throw downsome coins onto a table. Hodgekins reaches off the screen andgrabs SIXTEEN YEAR OLD WALTER and slams him onto the tabletopover the cash.


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WALTER (V.O.)Then he met the Ambassador and soldmy indenture off to him...

INT. DINING CLUB - DAY

The present is returned to.

WALTER...And he put me to shovelingstables.

DR. PAYNEUnhappy creature! How did yourparents die?

WALTERFrom drinking too much gin.

Walter drinks some of his ginned up beer.

DR. PAYNE(after a pause,brightening)

Well, my boy, seeing as we have younow decked up to your role, theforthcoming task is to ensure youmight easily act it. We must teachyou the customary manners, and wemust procure you a career, that you

might maintain the lifestyle.

Walter looks overwhelmed by the thought.

WALTERWhat do rich folks shovel?

DR. PAYNEOh, come about now Wa --

(catches self)Crispin. There assuredly is sometask you would prefer to do aboveothers? Some career at which

execution you feel you should beespecially good?

Walter just stares at him, like he doesnt get it.

DR. PAYNE (CONTD)What goals be yours? What is thething you want most in your life?


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Walter furrows his brow in thought of this. He takes from hispocket the piece of Mexican fabric from Giulietta, examiningit as though it could give him some clue.

WALTERThe ambassador I servd had a

daughter...

DR. PAYNEAh! I see that tis a girl that youare after! Well enough; you are ata good age for marriage.

Walter seems stunned

WALTERIm a property -- Is that eenlawful?

DR. PAYNEYou are my son, and a captain! Thatis not a poor match by any meansfor an ambassadors daughter. Asfor a job, I deem we ought think ofsome undemanding task; a job thatwill make good profits for littleenough work. You could be... amerchant! That is uncomplicated.Let us discuss the matter ofprecisely what you shall sell.

EXT. AMBASSADORS HOUSE - THE STABLES - NIGHT

Giulietta still sits at her post in the window, even thoughits dark. Several empty cups are around her and she slouchestipsily. Her maid approaches her and, in pantomime, convincesher to come back inside, and then as Giulietta walks away,she closes the window shutters.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

The Ambassador and Giulietta are at a dinner, along with someOTHER PEOPLE that include Reginald, and the Man and Womanfrom the wig shop. Its apparently a fairly formal affair, aseveryone is in their wigs or at least with their hairpowdered. SERVANTS lay out the first few dishes, and pourdrinks for everyone. Idle chat is made around the table -- nodistinct phrases can be made out.


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Giulietta tries to just bury her face in the food and noteven look up toward Reginald.

THE AMBASSADORGiulietta, what is your trouble?Youre not saying a word!

GIULIETTA(mumbling)

Oh, I am just... hungry...

THE AMBASSADORYou should not stuff your face insuch a wise -- there are fourcourses to come, child, prove toparticipate a little more.

Giulietta sighs sadly, and looks up from her plate. She isimmediately met by Reginalds eager gaze. Clumsily shepretends she didnt see him, and that she was just adjusting

her paniers in the seat, and she stares forward horrified.

Then, Giuliettas gaze is caught by a Woman sitting rightacross from her -- the same woman from the wig shop, in hernew white wig. It looks distinctly different from thepowdered ones.

GIULIETTAThat is a lovely wig you have.

WOMANOh, thank you. Tis newly bought.

The conversation between them dies at once. Giulietta turnsagain to look for a new partner and again meets Reginaldsgaze. Again, she tries to ignore it.

MAN(to Giulietta)

Oh, my dear Giulietta, that poorfellow beside you has had his gazeon you all evening! Grant him a bitof conversation!

Giulietta looks reluctantly at Reginald and forces a smile.

GIULIETTA(reluctantly)

How went your day, Reginald?

REGINALDI recall none of it before I sawyour fair face again, my Giuliette!


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Everyone in earshot awws at the sweetness.

GIULIETTAIt is Giulietta.

THE AMBASSADOR

Oh, be good to him! He can make youa handsome husband one day!

Giulietta keeps forcing a grin, nothing really to add thatwould be suitable for polite company. People around the tableremark on Reginald and Giulietta, nodding approval.

RANDOM PEOPLEOh, yes they would make a finematch, great together, etc. etc.

Reginald looks at Giulietta, eyebrows raised, expecting aloving look. Giulietta looks back at him, obviously forcing a

smile over a disgusted face. She takes her wine cup andchugs.

CUT TO:

EXT. LONDON STREETS - NIGHT

Outside of whatever house was just attended, Reginaldemerges, looking frustrated. A hackney-coach with DRIVER iswaiting for him. He goes to it and starts to get in.

REGINALDI never should have thought it! Shewas thoroughly cup-shot and yetwould not leave me to feel herduds!

Reginald takes his seat.

Passing near, together on one horse, are Eustace andPenelope. They both sit astride, Penelope at the back. Theyclop-clop a bit up the street. Penelope points at somethingand Eustace stops the horse. He calls:

EUSTACENathan? Ho, Nathan!

Nathan comes forward, into sight. Eustace dismounts the horseand goes over to him.

EUSTACE (CONTD)What news in regard to my father?


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Penelope sits on the horse a ways from the men, observing butunable to hear what their conversation consists of. Until,loud enough to rattle the houses --

EUSTACE(horrified shock)

ADOPTED HIM?!?

A shoddily made house collapses in the distance.


Eustace and Penelope sit, looking defeated and outraged,staring at the fire.

PENELOPEWe must destroy that groom.

CUT TO:

INT. AMBASSADORS HOUSE - ANTECHAMBER - DAY

Giuliettas Maid goes over to the front door and findsCharlotte standing there, holding an armful of papers. Sheholds one out to the Maid, who seems excitedly surprised.

MAIDOh! Hallo! What is this?

The maid looks it over. It reads:

In Celebration of that, by the Grace of God, Capt. CrispinPayne, Son of Dr. Bartholomew Payne, hath returned from Waralive and well, an honorary Dance is to be held, at ThePeruke Tavern, beginning One Oclock upon Sunday, Aprill theSeventeenth. It is hoped that the Ambassador, Mr. GiovanniAndreini, should present Himself, along with Whomsoever Elseof his Family or Friends that might wish to attend.

The Maid folds the invitation with a smile and slams the dooron Charlotte, without another word.

CUT TO:


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51.

INT. JEWELRY SHOP - DAY

The shop is empty but for some unwanted furniture and areally ugly painting left behind by the prior owner, and butfor the figures of Dr. Payne, Walter (whose black eye is now

fully healed) and a LANDLORD in a bicorn who inspect thespace together.

WALTERBut what if Giulietta will not cometo this dance?

DR. PAYNEThen nothing lost: Even ifGiulietta doth not see you there,many people of consequence shall.

WALTER

But Giulietta is my only care --

DR. PAYNEDo you like this building for yourshop?

Walter shrugs. Dr. Payne claps Walter on the back.

DR. PAYNEGood! This shall be a fine move foryou, Crispin!

(to the landlord)

Sir, draw up the paperwork!

INT. LORD LIMOSINS MANOR - DAY

In a big gold and white marble room, LORD LIMOSIN, Reginaldsmiddle-aged father, sits at a card table along with Reginaldhimself and some OTHER MEN. Limosin has a big wine glass anda big glass decanter of wine before him, and he sips from andrefills the glass at least three times before the end of thisscene.

Limosins party is involved in a gambling card game called

Loo, with several gold coins out in a basket on the table. ASERVANT comes into the room with an invitation and silentlylays it on the table by Lord Limosin. Limosin notices, butignores it for a while. He look at his cards, sighs sadly,and reaches into his pocket.

Limosin tosses a few more coins into the basket, finishes hislatest glass of wine, and his friends and son keep playing.


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Limosin also takes the chace to look at his letter, and hereads it, looking interested. Reginald looks a little less soas hes informed.

LIMOSINLook here, Reginald! We have beeninvited to another dancing party.

From Dr. Payne -- I remember him!How strange, I thought he wasdead...

Limosin pockets the invite.

CUT TO:

EXT. JEWELRY SHOP - DAY

A new-painted sign is ready to be hung up outside the shop byWalter. He still has his gin, and takes a good swill before

starting up. The sign reads Capt. Crispin Payne, jewelmerchant and has paintings of diamonds. Walter has the sign(on rings) and a step ladder.

Walter sets up the ladder directly underneath the bar wherethe sign is to be fixed. Then takes up the chains of the signin the both hands and steps onto the ladder to affix it. Heclimbs up with the sign and finds that actually sign needs tobe slid onto the iron bar from the side. He tries to leanover enough to slide the sign on, but has some difficulty,and teeters precariously, almost falling.

Figuring this wont work, he looks down at his step ladder.He then finds he can shuffle his weight and scoot the ladderacross the dirt, a few inches at a time. He does this, andgets to the point under the bar that he needs. He begins tohook up the sign, and manages to overstep the ladder andfall, kicking the ladder out from under himself. He grabs theiron bar and hangs mid-air with the sign for a moment; tillhis weight causes the whole bar to break off. Walter, signand bar all fall to the ground.

Walter gets up, trying to figure out what to do now. Heexamines the situation, then takes the iron bar and plants itupright in the dirt. He hooks and ties the sign to it so that

now its an upright sign on the ground, instead of hangingover the doorway. Satisfied, he goes back into the shop,taking the ladder and gin with him.


Walter sits dutifully at a desk, on which he keeps his trustygin.


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His shop is all stocked with pretty gems and shelves forthem. There are some CUSTOMERS eyeing goods. Accustomed toguarding his possessions, Walter keeps his eyes wide open andlooks around nervously, ensuring no one tries to steal it.Every time someone even seems about to touch something, herises as if hes going to attack them. The people are alwaysjust honest shoppers though, and he keeps realizing this and

halting, moments before he would have bashed them. He patrolsthe shop in this way for a time.


Eustace and Penelope come toward the shop. Penelope sees thesign.

PENELOPECrispin Payne -- tis he!

Penelope and Eustace go to the shop window and peer in.


The lazzo of Walter minding the shop continues to play.Walter takes up his gin bottle and starts to drink. ACUSTOMER approaches Walter with a ring he is obviouslyinterested in buying.

CUSTOMERWhat is the price for this?

Walter rises from the desk, takes the ring and examines it.He beckons with his hand for the customer to come around thedesk. The Customer complies, and Walter sets about markingpaperwork.

An ACTUAL THIEF in the shop notices Walter distracted. Hequickly grabs some items and turns as if to flee. Walter,ever on his guard, with his gin bottle in one hand, a pen inthe other -- leaps across the desk and sprawls, across theend of the desk, before the Thief thus blocking his escape.Walter bites the Thief, who screams.


Eustace and Penelope are still watching through the window.They turn expectantly to the door, and a moment later theThief being herded by Walter emerges. Walter, with one freehand (gin and pen held in the other) smashes the Thiefs faceseveral times against the doorframe creating a huge bloodymess, then drops him. The Thief falls to the ground and juststays there. Walter goes back into the shop.


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Eustace and Penelope look at the defeated Thief, then look ateach other.

EUSTACEThe temper!

PENELOPEThe violence!

EUSTACEThe bottle!

They seem excited and pleased by the observations. They clasphands and enter the shop, stepping over the victim in thedoorway.


The couple enter. The show begins. Penelope is the betteractor between her and Eustace.

EUSTACEAh... good day, sir! My -- wife --is looking for some good hairpins,the ornamental sort. Have you...any item of that modus?

Walter gets up from the desk, and eyeing the two like hethinks theyre trying to rob him, he opens up a cabinet fullof bejeweled hairpins. Penelope begins to look them over.

PENELOPEAre these pins from overseas?

Walter looks at her like he has absolutely no idea what sheis talking about.

PENELOPE (CONTD)...Your shop says Captain CrispinPayne. I was wondering if you wereperhaps a captain of a ship. Youare Capt. Payne, or arent you?

WALTERI am.

PENELOPEIn which case, what sort of captainare you? Military?

Walter nods.


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PENELOPEWere you fighting in America?

Walters head keeps nodding.

PENELOPE

Where were you on the field?

Walter pauses. Hes not e

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"Pins and Pomade; or, Like Cures Like." Screenplay by Talia Felix

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