ricRavencraft,

April14th,2015

motionalIntelligence:TheSocialSkillYouWeren'tTaughtinSchool

Youretaughtaouthitor,cience,andmathwhenouregrowingup.Motofu,however,arenttaughthowtoidentifordealwithourownemotion,ortheemotionofother.Theekillcanevaluale,utoullnevergettheminaclaroom.

motionalintelligence(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/motional_intelligence)iahorthandthatpchologicalreearcheruetodecriehowwellindividualcanmanagetheirownemotionandreacttotheemotionofother.Peoplewhoexhiit

lifehacker.com(http://getpocket.com/redirect?url=http%3A%2F%2Flifehacker.com%2Femotional-intelligence-the-ocial-kill-ou-werent-ta-1697704987%3Futm_ource%3Dpocket%26utm_medium%3Demail%26utm_campaign%3Dpockethit)

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emotionalintelligencehavetheleovioukillneceartogetaheadinlife,uchamanagingconictreolution,readingandrepondingtotheneedofother,andkeepingtheirownemotionfromoverowinganddiruptingtheirlive.Inthiguide,welllookatwhatemotionalintelligencei,andhowtodevelopourown.

WhatImotionalIntelligence?

Meauringemotionalintelligenceirelativelnewintheeldofpcholog,onlrteingexploredinthemid-80.Severalmodelarecurrentleingdeveloped,utforourpurpoe,wellexaminewhatknownathemixedmodel(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/motional_intelligence#Mixed_model),developedpchologitDanielGoleman(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daniel_Goleman).Themixedmodelhavekearea(http://www.ntime.com/2015/04/12/education/edlife/how-to-e-emotionall-intelligent.html?_r=0):

Self-awarene:Self-awareneinvolveknowingourownfeeling.Thiincludehavinganaccurateaementofwhatourecapaleof,whenouneedhelp,andwhatouremotionaltriggerare.

Self-management:Thiinvolveeingaletokeepouremotionincheckwhen

theecomediruptive.Self-managementinvolveeingaletocontrolouturt,calmldicuingdiagreement,andavoidingactivitiethatundermineoulikeextendedelf-pitorpanic.

Motivation:veroneimotivatedtoactionrewardlikemoneortatu.Golemanmodel,however,refertomotivationfortheakeofperonaljo,curioit,ortheatifactionofeingproductive.

mpath:Whilethethreeprevioucategorierefertoaperoninternalemotion,thionedealwiththeemotionofother.mpathithekillandpracticeofreadingtheemotionofotherandrepondingappropriatel.

Socialkill:Thicategorinvolvetheapplicationofempathawellanegotiatingtheneedofotherwithourown.Thicanincludefindingcommongroundwithother,managingotherinaworkenvironment,andeingperuaive.

Youcanreadaitmoreaouttheedierentcategoriehere(http://www.onoma.edu/uer//wijtink/teaching/philooph_101/paper1/goleman.htm)Theorderoftheeemotionalcompetencieintallthatrelevant,awealllearnmanoftheekillimultaneoulawegrow.Italoimportanttonotethat,forourpurpoe,wellonleuingthiaaguide.motionalintelligenceintanareathatmotpeoplereceiveformaltrainingin.Wellletpchologitargueoverthejargonandmodel,utfornowletexplorewhateachoftheemeanandhowtoimprovetheminourownlife.

Self-Awarene

eforeoucandoanthingelehere,ouhavetoknowwhatouremotionare.Improvingourelf-awareneithertteptoidentifinganprolemareaourefacing.Hereareomewatoimproveourelf-awarene:

Keepajournal:Careerkilllogrecommendtartingkeepingajournalofouremotion(http://lifehacker.com/wh-ou-hould-keep-a-journal-and-how-to-tart-our-1547057185).Attheendofeverda,writedownwhathappenedtoou,howoufelt,andhowoudealtwithit.Periodicall,lookackoverour

journalandtakenoteofantrend,orantimeouoverreactedtoomething.

Akforinputfromother:Awevetalkedaouteforewhendealingwithourelf-perception,inputfromothercaneinvaluale(http://lifehacker.com/how-to-change-our-elf-perception-to-leverage-our-hid-1660090757).Trtoakmultiplepeoplewhoknowouwellwhereourtrengthandweakneelie.Writedownwhatthea,comparewhattheatoeachotherand,again,lookforpattern.Motimportantl,dontarguewiththem.Thedonthavetoecorrect.Yourejuttringtogaugeourperceptionfromanotherpointofview.

Slowdown(ormeditate):motionhaveahaitofgettingthemotoutofcontrolwhenwedonthavetimetolowdownorprocethem(http://lifehacker.com/what-i-learned-from-a-week-awa-from-tech-ditraction-1697454052).Thenexttimeouhaveanemotionalreactiontoomething,trtopaueeforeoureact(omethingtheinternetmakeeaierthanever,ifourecommunicatingonline).Youcanalotrmeditating(http://lifehacker.com/what-happen-to-the-rain-when-ou-meditate-and-how-it-1202533314)tolowourraindownandgiveouremotionaltateroomtoreathe.

Ifouveneverpracticedintentionalelf-awarene,theetiphouldgiveouapracticalheadtart.OnetrategIperonallueitogoonlongwalkorhaveconverationwithmelfdicuingwhatotheringme.Often,IllndthatthethingIatotheimaginarotherendoftheconverationcangivemeomeinightintowhatrealluggingme.Theimportantapectitolookinward,ratherthanfocuingolelonexternalfactor.

Self-Management

Onceouknowhowouremotionwork,oucantartguringouthowtohandlethem.Properelf-managementmeancontrollingourouturt,ditinguihingetweenexternaltriggerandinternalover-reaction,anddoingwhatetforourneed.

Onekewatomanageouremotionitochangeourenorinput.Youveproalheardtheoldadvicetocounttotenandreathewhenoureangr.Speakingaomeonewhohadplentofoverwhelmingiuewithdepreion(http://lifehacker.com/ve-leon-i-learned-from-dealing-with-depreion-1595249546)andanger,thiadviceiuuallcrap(thoughifitworkforou,morepowertoou).However,givingourphicalodajoltcanreaktheccle(http://www.pchologtoda.com/log/communication-ucce/201410/how-increae-our-emotional-intelligence-6-eential).Ifourefeelinglethargic,doomeexercie.Ifouretuckinanemotionalloop,giveourelfanapoutofit(http://www.outue.com/watch?v=0x-fkSYDtUY)lap.Anthingthatcangivealighthocktoourtemorreaktheexitingroutinecanhelp.

LifehackeralumAdamDachialorecommend(http://lifehacker.com/how-to-manage-our-eething-rage-productivel-1453235396)funnelingemotionalenergintoomethingproductive.Italrighttoletoverwhelmingemotiontewinideoufora

moment,ifitnotanappropriatetimetoletthemout.However,whenoudo,ratherthanventitonomethingfutile,turnitintomotivationintead:

Irecentltartedplaingtenniforfun,knowingthatIdneverecomeexceptionalecaueIegantoolateinlife.Iveecomeetterandhaveaverminortalentforthegame,owhenIplapoorlInowknowandIgetdownonmelf.WhenupagaintanopponentwithfarmorekillIndithardtodomuchelethangetangr.Ratherthanletthatangerout,Itakenoteofitandueittofuelmdeiretopracticemore.Whetherinport,work,oreverdalife,wecangetcomplacentwithourkillandforgetthatwealwahaveomeroomforimprovement.Whenoutarttogetmad,getetterintead.

Youcantalwacontrolwhatmakeoufeelacertainwa,utoucanalwacontrolhowoureact.Ifouhaveomeimpulecontrolprolem,ndwatogethelpwhenourefeelingcalm.Notallemotioncaneventedawa.Mtrugglewithdepreiontaughtmethatomeemotionperitlongaftertheoverow.However,therealwaamomentwhenthoefeelingfeelalittleleintene.Uethoemomenttoeekhelp.

Motivation

Wetalkaoutmotivationalot(http://lifehacker.com/5958782/four-trategie-that-uild-lating-motivation-and-how-to-ue-them-to-achieve-our-goal).Whenweretalkingaoutmotivationaitrelatetoemotionalintelligence,however,wedontjutmeangettinguptheenergtogotowork.Weretalkingaoutourinnerdrivetoaccomplihomething.Thatdriveintjutomefeel-goodnonene,either.APchologtodaexplain(http://www.pchologtoda.com/log/the-rain-and-emotional-intelligence/201112/motivation-what-move-u),thereaectionofourprefrontalcortexthatlightupatthemerethoughtofachievingameaningfulgoal.

Whetherourgoaliuildingacareer,raiingafamil,orcreatingomekindofart,everonehaomethingthewanttodowiththeirlife.Whenourmotivationiworkingforou,itconnectwithrealitintangilewa.Wanttotartafamil?Motivatedpeoplewilltartdating.Wanttoimproveourcareer?Motivatedpeoplewilleducatethemelve,applfornewjo,orangleforapromotion.

DanielGolemanugget(http://www.leaderin.com/programme/daniel-goleman-on-how-to-motivate-a-demotivated-peron)thatinordertotartmakingueofthatmotivation,ourtneedtoidentifourownvalue.Manofuareouthatwedonttakethetimetoexaminewhatourvaluereallare.Orwore,welldoworkthatdirectlcontradictwhatwevalueforolongthatweloethatmotivationentirel.

Unfortunatel,wecantgiveoutheanwerforwhatitiouwantinlife,uttherearelotoftrategieoucantr(http://lifehacker.com/four-wa-to-gure-out-what-ou-reall-want-to-do-with-513095544).Ueourjournaltondtimewhenouvefeltfullled.Createalitofthingouvalue.Motofall,accepttheuncertaint(http://lifehacker.com/how-to-decide-on-what-to-do-with-our-life-1588240029)inlifeandjutuildomething.FitneintructorMichaelMantell,Ph.Duggetthat(http://greatit.com/tne/intrinic-motivation-achieving-goal)uingleerucceeouknowoucanaccomplih.Rememer,everonewhoaccomplihedomethingouwanttoachievediditlowl,overtime.

mpath

Youremotionareonlonehalfofallourrelationhip.Itthehalfoufocuonthemot,ure,utthatonlecaueouhangoutwithourelfeverda.Alltheotherpeoplethatmattertoouhavetheirownetoffeeling,deire,trigger,andfear.mpathiourmotimportantkillfornavigatingourrelationhip(http://lifehacker.com/wh-empath-i-our-mot-important-kill-and-how-to-pr-1505011685).mpathialife-longkill,uthereareometipoucanuetopracticeempath:

Shutupandliten:Weregonnatartwiththehardetonehere,ecaueitthemotimportant.Youcantexperienceeveroneelelivetofullundertandthem,utoucanliten.Liteninginvolvelettingomeoneeletalkandthennotcounteringwhatthea.Itmeanputtingaideourpreconceptionorkepticimforaitandallowingtheperonouretalkingtoachancetoexplainhowthefeel.mpathihard,utvirtualleverrelationhipouhavecaneimprovedatleatmarginallwaitingatleatanextratenecondeforeouretaketheconveration.

Takeupacontrarpoitiontoourown:Oneofthequicketwatoolidifanopinioninourminditoargueinfavorofit.Tocounterthi,takeupacontrarpoition(http://www.outue.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y).Ifouthinkouroieingunreaonale,trdefendingtheiractioninourhead.Wouldou

findtheiractionreaonaleifouwereintheirhoe?venakingthequetionofourelfcaneenoughtotartempathizingwithanotherpointofview(though,ofcoure,gettingrealanwerfromothercanalwahelp).

Dontjutknow,trtoundertand:Undertandingiketohavingempath.Awevedicuedefore,undertandingithedifference(http://lifehacker.com/the-difference-etween-knowledge-and-undertanding-i-e-1624463050)etweenknowingomethingandtrulempathizingwithit.Ifoucatchourelfaing,Iknow,ut,alot,takethataanindicatorthatouhouldpaueaitmore.Whenomeonetellouaoutanexperiencethatnotourown,takeometimetomulloverhowourlifemightedifferentifouexperiencedthatonadailai.Readaoutituntilitclick.Itokaifoudontpendallourtimedevotedtoomeoneelelife,utputtinginjutometimeevenifitidlethoughttimewhileouworkcaneeneficial.

denition(http://lifehacker.com/thi-video-explain-the-dierence-etween-empath-and-1487494909),empathmeangettingintheemotionaldirtwithomeoneele.Allowingtheirexperiencetoreonatewithourownandrepondingappropriatel.Itokatooeradviceoroptimim,utempathalorequirethatouwaitfortherightpacetodothat.Ifomeoneonthevergeoftear,orharingomedeeppain,dontmakelightofitanddonttrtominimizethehurt.emindfulofhowthemutfeelandallowthempacetofeelit.

SocialSkill

Summingupallocialkillinoneectionofanarticlewoulddoaoutamuchjuticetothetopicaifwenuckinariefexplaineronatrophic.However,thetooloudevelopintheotherfourareawillhelpoureolvealotofocialprolemthatmanadulttillwretlewith.AGolemanexplain(http://www.danielgoleman.info/ocial-kill-and-eq/),ourocialkillaecteverthingfromourworkperformancetoourromanticlife:

Socialcompetencetakemanformitmorethanjuteingchatt.Theeailitierangefromeingaletotuneintoanotherperonfeelingandundertandhowthethinkaoutthing,toeingagreatcollaoratorandteamplaer,toexpertieatnegotiation.Alltheekillarelearnedinlife.Wecanimproveonanofthemwecareaout,utittaketime,eort,andpereverance.Ithelptohaveamodel,omeonewhoemodiethekillwewanttoimprove.utwealoneedtopracticewheneveranaturalloccurringopportunitarieanditmaeliteningtoateenager,notjutamomentatwork.

Youcantartwiththemotcommonformofocialprolem:reolvingadiagreement.Thiiwhereougettoputallourkilltothetetinareal-worldenvironment.Wevegoneintothiujectin-depthhere(http://lifehacker.com/how-to-turn-an-argument-into-a-productive-dicuion-1171337265),utwecanummarizetheaictep:

Identifanddealwithouremotion:Wheneverouhaveanargumentwithomeoneele,thingcangetheated.Ifomeoneinvolvediemotionallworkedup,dealwiththatprolemfirt.Taketimeaparttovent,lowoffteamonourown,thenreturntotheprolem.Inaworkenvironment,thimajutmeancomplainingtoafriendeforeouemailouroack.Inaromanticrelationhip,remindourpartnerthatoucareaoutthemeforecriticizing.

Addrelegitimateprolemonceoureothcalm:Onceoureinourrightheadpace,identifwhattheconflicti.eforeoujumptoolution,makeureouandtheotherperonagreeonwhattheprolemreallare(http://lifehacker.com/utilize-the-teel-man-tactic-to-argue-more-effectivel-1632402742).Propoeolutionthataremutualleneficialandempathetictoanconceiontheotherperonmaeunwillingtomake(uteuretotandfirmonourown).

ndonacooperativenote:Whetherinuineorpleaure,relationhipworketwheneveroneinvolvedknowthatthereontheamepage.venifoucantendonapoitivenote,makeurethatthelatintentionoucommunicateiacooperativeone.Letouro/coworker/ignificantotherknowthatouwanttoworktowardtheamegoal,evenifouhavedifferentview.

Notevertpeofinteractionwithanotherperonwilleaconict,ofcoure.Someocialkilljutinvolvemeetingnewpeople(http://lifehacker.com/how-to-e-more-intereting-when-meeting-new-people-1612086910),ocializingwithpeopleofdierentmindet(http://lifehacker.com/how-introvert-and-extrovert-can-peacefull-coexit-638422576),orjutplainggame(http://lifehacker.com/what-i-learned-aout-dealing-with-people-from-plaing-g-1682012747).However,reolvingconictcaneoneoftheetwatolearnhowtoapplouremotionalkill.Diputeareetreolvedwhenouknowwhatouwant,cancommunicateitclearl,undertandwhatomeoneelewant,andcometofavoraletermforeverone.Ifouveeenpaingattention,oullnoticethatthiinvolveeverotherareaoftheemotionalintelligencemodel.

PhotoTracRoen(http://www.ickr.com/photo/mharmonicagoldh/1326419454),LidanneAquino

(http://www.ickr.com/photo/lethaargic/4330245874),radFult(http://www.ickr.com/photo/h3h/1962008086).

Wantmoretipandtrickforlivinglifeetter?CheckoutotherarticlelikethionLifehacker(http://getpocket.com/redirect?_pktpp=1&l=532&m=448&t=1).