Positive Parenting
An environment supportive of positive emotions and optimal experiences
Dr. David Zupsic
Coordinator of Curriculum, Instruction, & Assessment
Midwestern Intermediate Unit IV
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Goals of the Workshop
Examine Parental Intentions
What type of life do you want for your child?
Understand the relationship emotions have on behavior and performance
Explore the science of Positive Psychology
Flow
Consider strategies for Positive Parenting
2
Parental Intentions
What type of life do you want for
your children?
Pleasant Life
Engaged Life
Meaningful Life
3
Lifestyles
The Pleasant Life
Hedonistic
Full of positive emotions (happiness, pleasure, self-satisfaction)
Fleeting, temporal, dependent on external situations and environmental conditions
Will not bring lasting emotional wellbeing but one that is marketed heavily to adults
and children
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The Hedonic Treadmill
A barrier to raising your level of happiness is the
hedonic treadmill, which causes people to rapidly
and inevitably adapt to good things by taking them
for granted.
Wealth has a surprisingly low correlation with
happiness level.
Real income has risen dramatically in the prosperous
nations over the last century, but the level of life
satisfaction has been entirely flat in the United States
and most other wealthy nations.
Rich people are, on average, only slightly happier
than poor people.
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Lifestyles
The Engaged Life
More deeply felt and lasting moments of positive emotion (e.g. joy,
contentment, love).
These emotions are stimulated and maintained through regular episodes of
optimal experiences called Flow.
○ Optimal experiences include high levels of intrinsic motivation, perceived
freedom, positive affect, while producing equally high levels of
enjoyment, satisfaction, peak performance, positive mental states,
and perceived success. 6
Lifestyles
The Meaningful Life
According to Seligman (2002), “meaning
consists in knowing what your highest
strengths are, and then using them to
belong to and serve something you believe
is larger than the self”.
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What do we know about Happiness?
Most people are happy.
Happiness is a cause of good things in life and not simply the result of positive
consequences. People who are satisfied with life eventually have even more reason to be
satisfied, because happiness leads to desirable outcomes at school and work, to fulfilling
social relationships, and even to good health and long life.
Happiness, strengths of character, and positive social relationships are buffers against the
damaging effects of disappointments and setbacks. Therefore, most happy people are
resilient.
As a route to a satisfying life, eudaimonia trumps hedonism.
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What do we know about Happiness?
Happiness can be learned
Schools explicitly teach critical thinking; we should also teach creative thinking,
gratification, and unconditional caring.
Other people matter greatly if we want to understand what makes like most worth
living.
Religion matters.
Work matters as well if it engages the worker and provides meaning and purpose to
life.
Money makes an ever-diminishing contribution to well-being
Money can buy happiness if it is spent on other people.9
Mindful Moment: Activity
What type of lifestyle do you want for your
child(ren)?
How does your parental guidance and behavior
model this value?
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Emotions- The Pathway to Meaning
Emotions have traditionally been viewed by science as merely interrupting
the cognitive process.
Recent developments in brain research support that emotions actually
regulate learning and act as a pathway to transform data into meaningful
information.
Drive attention, create meaning, and have their own memory pathways
Emotions have strong relationships to personality, temperament, illness such
as anxiety disorders and depression, and cognition
Integral to the processes of reasoning and decision-making
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More than simply a side effect of cognition, emotions:
Constitute the passion for learning;
Help us to prioritize our intentions;
Support fight, flight, or freeze
decisions;
Are sources of information about the
outside world;
Evoke necessary empathy, support, or
fear;
Associate our learning with either pain
or pleasure;
Help us make meaning out of our
learning, work, and lives;
Regulate the pursuit of rewarded
behavior;
Improve social problem-solving;
Provide incentives for desired social
behavior;
Allow us to enjoy and even
celebrate our learning success
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Emotional Development in Adolescence
Early- to mid-adolescence is a time when young people are developmentally
concerned with increasing their autonomy and shifting the balance in their
relationships with peers and adults
A highly potent period- “Nowhere in the lifespan other than in infancy is the
interplay of individual and collective factors in the composition of human life
more pronounced than in the early adolescent years” (Roeser, Eccles, and
Sameroff, 2000, p. 443).
During adolescence emotions noticeably become the basis of identity and ideals.
Adolescents become aware of feeling everything, and this transforms their values.
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Stages of Emotional Development in Adolescence
At the beginning stage, which typically occurs in the middle-level grades (5-8),
children become increasingly self-aware and often, self-critical.
Their socio-cognitive (social awareness) skills are making great strides.
They are able to understand multiple sides of arguments and disagreements.
They are sensitive to perceived social norms and often judge their own abilities
and self-worth by others’ reactions to them.
Belonging becomes an important issue to children at this stage, and friends strive to
develop ways to deal with conflict and solve problems while maintaining friendships.
Although they are increasingly able to articulate goals, both long and short-term, it is
often difficult for them to modify actions to align with achieving those goals. 14
Stages of Emotional Development in Adolescence
As they mature and enter high school, adolescents become even more self-aware.
They connect meaning and relevance to their own interests.
They value personal meaning, transcendence, and goals for personal
accomplishment.
One's own decisions and behaviors, including those regarding friendships and peer
relations, school functioning, balancing independence and interdependence within
one's family, all become crucial pieces in an ongoing process of self-definition.
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Stages of Emotional Development in Adolescence
The later years of adolescence also coincide with the years of a person’s
development that impact future goals and training, and where life-long habits,
values, and beliefs are formed.
Searching for emotional and social contentment, most place a high value on
future goals and demonstrate an interest in questions concerning continuing
education or skill development needed for a career.
Supporting Adolescents Build Character
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Mindful Moment: Activity
You begin receiving calls from the school nurse regarding
phantom ailments that result in your middle school child’s
classroom absences. Your child reports “feeling sick” but the
nurse cannot find any physical reasons related to the illness.
This also begins happening before school or at bed time.
Based on what you know about emotional development that
occurs during adolescence, what type of discussion can you
have with your child about these feelings of sickness?
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The Illness of Depression in
Youth
The prevalence of depression among young
people is shockingly high worldwide. By some
estimates, depression is about ten times more
common now than it was fifty years ago.
Depression now ravages teenagers: fifty years
ago, the average age of first onset was about
thirty. Now the first onset is under age fifteen
Even more alarming may be the number of
students who go undiagnosed and untreated.
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The Importance of Emotional Management: Stress
The American Psychological Association reports that 27% of teenagers said they
experience extreme stress during the school year, while only 13% feel the same
stress during the summer months.
Teens expressed irritability and anger (40%) or anxiousness (36%) as
consequences of stress.
About one-third said stress produced feelings of depression, sadness, or being
overwhelmed. The survey's findings also reiterated that unhealthy stress
behaviors that start early may continue through adulthood (Jayson, 2014).
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Introducting a new concept: Positive Psychology
Positive psychology is the scientific study of what makes life most worth
living. It is a call for psychological science and practice to be as concerned
with strength as with weakness; as interested in building the best things in
life as in repairing the worst; and as concerned with making the lives of
people fulfilling as with healing pathology
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Positive Education
An educational approach that values students’ emotional
wellbeing as much as their academic achievement.
Along with cognitive development, curricular and social
activities develop the following skills:
How to cultivate more positive emotion,
Add more meaning and relevance to learning activites,
How to build and maintain better relationships, and
Gain more positive accomplishments
The Happy Secret to Better Work- Shawn Achor21
Restructuring Educational Goals: Self Awareness and
Self-Actualization
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The Ideal Self
When we feel that we are living up to
the ideals that we hold most dearly, we
are gratified, and exercising these
strengths produces more gratification.
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The ideal self is the image we hold of the very best
we are capable of, our highest strengths realized and
active.
When someone we admire (ex. Parent, teacher, coach) sees this
as well, we feel validated, and we work harder not to
disappoint his/her faith in us.
Mindful Moment:
Activity
How can what I know about emotional development (child and adolescence)
help improve my parenting?
How do I create a living environment that supports positive emotions?
How can I support my child’s efforts to become self-aware (and self-actualize)?
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Flow: Optimal Experience
Flow is a self-reported optimal experience that produces high levels of
enjoyment, with a simultaneous loss of self-consciousness occurring
when one overcomes an intensely challenging, but personally
interesting activity
Can occur when learning a new skill (ex. Golf, riding a bike) or
demonstrating mastery of skill/ challenge (ex. Chess, playing an
instrument, performing, mountain climbing)
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The Power of Flow
Evidence that Flow experiences produce powerful, lasting effects, specifically in the areas of
self-discovery and personal growth.
Stronger, more confident self-concept emerges from these episodes.
In Flow
a person is challenged to do her best and must constantly improve her skills.
one doesn’t have the opportunity to reflect on what this means in terms of the
self- if she did allow herself to become self-conscious, the experience could not
have been very deep
Afterward, self-consciousness has a chance to resume
the self that the person reflects upon is not the same self that existed before the
Flow experience: it is now enriched by new skills and fresh achievements. 26
FLOW & Self Actualization
Loss of self-consciousness does not involve the loss of self, nor a loss of consciousness,
but a loss of consciousness of the self.
What slips below the threshold of awareness is the concept of self, the
information we use to represent to ourselves who we are.
Being able to forget temporarily who we are seems to be very enjoyable.
When not preoccupied with our selves, we actually have a chance to expand the
concept of who we are.
Opportunity to develop clear visions of the self-identity we are and we want to
be
Loss of self-consciousness can lead to self-transcendence, to a feeling that the
boundaries of our being have been pushed forward.
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Conditions for Flow
Csikszentmihalyi suggests that certain environmental conditions
must exist to stimulate optimal experiences.
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● Active and engaging
○ One that person has a high
chance of success when
utilizing highest skills needed
to achieve
● Intrinsically motivating
● Exercise control of situations in our
environment
● Clear goals
● Immediate feedback
○ Allows one to make
adjustments or otherwise
respond to situational
events
● Ability to concentrate on what
we are doing
Be in Flow
Flow occurs when the challenges- big ones as well as the daily issues that we
face- mesh well with your highest capabilities.
How to get you and your child(ren) into Flow experiences more often:
Identify signature strengths
Engage in activities that lets you and your child(ren) use them every day
Recraft your present work/ downtime to use your signature strengths more
Pink suggests that when “people are conscious of what puts them in flow, they’ll
have a clearer idea of what they should devote the time and dedication to master”.
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Mindful Moment
How can I talk to my child(ren) about achieving optimal experiences (aka Flow)?
Have you ever experienced Flow? Describe/ Explain it.
How can I increase opportunities for my child to experience Flow?
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Positive Parenting
Positive Parenting is about identifying and amplifying a child’s strengths and
virtues, and helping them find the niche where they can live these positive
traits to the fullest.
The exercise of these strengths then buffers against the tribulations that put
people at risk for mental illness. Depression can be prevented in a young person
at genetic risk by nurturing skills of optimism and hope.
What progress there is been in the prevention of mental illness comes from
recognizing and nurturing a set of strengths, competencies, and virtues in young
people- such as hope, interpersonal skills, courage, the capacity for Flow,
faith, and work ethic.
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Parenting: Positive Emotions
in Youth
Producing positive emotions creates an
opportunity for an upward spiral of good
feelings, therefore, a role of a parent is to:
Identify and enhance positive emotions in
your children to start an upward spiral of
more positive emotions
Take the positive emotions of our child just
as seriously as the negative emotions and
his/her strengths as seriously as weaknesses
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Strategy:
Implement a 5:1 Positivity
ratio involving
statements/ guidance
with your children
For every 1 negative
comment, include 5
positive comments
Be careful to use
“constructive criticism”
when redirecting behavior
Strategies of Positive Parenting
Establish and Share Common Values
and Virtues that exist in your home:
Include child in the development of
these values
When introducing the value/ virtue:
Discuss how, why, and when it is
important in their lives
Share how it is important in your
life
Model the value/ virtue
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Mindful Moment: What are some
values you want to instill and model
for your children?
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Have conversations about character/ values by:● Relating personal and family stories;
● Sharing and listening to child’s experiences;
● Discuss real life and/or fictional dilemas;
● Use teachable moments to underscore moral issues
Be a model by demonstrating through your actions:● Calming yourself when upset;
● Modeling a problem solving process to help make family decisions
React to Real-Life situations by:● Responding positively/ negatively to child’s behaviors;
● Correcting/ Praising child when necessary/ appropriate;
● Offering child choices and noting their consequences
● Following up with child and help them to self-monitor “trigger situations”
that seem to set them off
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Demonstrate a value of education/ learning by:● Set parameters for times, particularly for homework or continued education
● Read to child and encourage child to read
● Use educational and learning activities to develop the child’s ethical
reasoning and thinking skills;
● Develop academic goals and aspirations (outcomes) and have child journal
how these connect to their everyday behaviors
● Provide emotional support
Advocate for participation and service in school and the
community by:● Encourage child to participate in school social, athletic, and co-curricular
activities;
● Recognize when child volunteers and helps others;
● Model these behaviors
Strategies of Positive Parenting: Knowing Your Triggers
Compare the lists
Pay close attention to the feelings
you associate with each list (No
feelings are bad; they are all
healthy and necessary)
Write down how you typically react
to the behaviors or actions in each
column
For column 2, write an appropriate
response you could make that
would be more positive than
current response
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Column 1 Column 2
Idea Behavior, Actions,
Attributes
Least Favorite Behaviors,
Actions, and Attributes
Strategies of Positive Parenting: Supporting Self-
Management
Create a simple series of expectations for children that they can track: Have the child
rate him/herself and record results- Consider the following questions:
Am I listening to others?
Am I using appropriate language to disagree?
Am I using an appropriate tone and not raising my voice?
Encourage children to make concrete plans with if-then statements.
Ask the child to name an effective behavior to overcome an obstacle and create a specific
plan by following this formula
If (situation/obstacle), then (action to address the situation/ obstacle)- EX. If my mother
asks me to clean my room, then I will immediately make sure that I clean my room before
doing other things.
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Strategies of Positive Parenting
Supporting Children in Stressful Situations
Tell yourself/ child to “STOP”
Tell yourself/ child to “KEEP CALM”
Slow down breathing with two long,
deep breaths- inward and outward
Praise yourself/ child for ability to
manage emotions (ie. keep calm)
Identify a “Keep Calm” location in the
residence
Use common language/ prompts & cues
Create and Use:
“Decision Worksheets” for child
“Keep Calm” journals
Reflection sheets, journals, diaries
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Strategies of Positive Parenting
Helping the Child Problem Solve
1. Identify your feelings. Connect
words to feeling states
2. Calm Yourself. Use relaxation/ self-
control strategies
3. Identify the problem. How/ Why is
it a problem for you?
4. Set a goal. Reachable, Rational,
Realistic
5. Think of many possible solutions.
Brainstorm choices for solving the
problem
6. Envision the pros and cons of possible
solutions. What are the potential
positive and negative consequences of
each choice?
7. Choose the best solution
8. Plan it and Scan it. How will you carry
it out? How will you avoid (or lessen) the
“cons”? What obstacles/ challenges can
you anticipate and how will you respond
to them?
9. Do it and Review it. Try your solution.
How did it work out?39
ResourcesCASEL- www.casel.org
Character Education partnership- www.character.org
Community of Caring- www.communityofcaring.org
Committee for Children- www.cfc.org
CHARACTER Plus- www.characterplus.org
Flow: the psychology of optimal experience by M. Csikszentmihalyi
Books that encourage Perseverance:
Elementary: How to Catch a Star by Oliver Jeffers; Rosie Revere, Engineer by Andrea
Beaty/ Teens:
A Long Walk to Water by Linda Sue Park; The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins
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Questions/ Final Comments41
