“From differences…

beautiful harmony”

An Introduction to Mindfulness-based Conflict Engagement (MBCE)

Barry Nobel

Family Mediation

Nationally

◦ > 800,000 divorces per year

◦ 40% of births are to unmarried parents

◦ 50% of all children will live with single

parent at some point

Lane County Family Mediation assists

> 1200 parents per year

Confirmation Bias

“We don’t see things as they are, we

see them as we are.” Anais Nin

Confirmation Bias

Selective (corrective?)

◦ Perception

◦ Retention

◦ Expression

◦ “Everyone is entitled to his own opinion,

but not to his own facts.” Daniel Patrick Moynihan

Favorite National Pastime?

Favorite National Pastime?

The Blame Game

Fundamental Attribution Error

Don’t agree with me? You must be:

Evil

Fundamental Attribution Error

Don’t agree with me? You must be:

Crazy

Fundamental Attribution Error

Don’t agree with me? You must be:

Stupid

Fundamental Attribution Error

Don’t agree with me? You must be:

Selfish

Fight/flight reactivity

can be life-saving

Blaming can Backfire

Political Stage:

Confirmation Bias +

Fundamental Attribution Error

Don’t agree with me? You must be:

Evil (corrupt)

Crazy (wing nut)

Stupid (naive)

Selfish (greedy; lazy)

Mindfulness-based

Conflict Engagement (MBCE)

Mindfulness

Empathy

LifeView

Authentic & Compassionate Action

Mindfulness: The Value of Training Attention

“…the faculty of voluntarily bringing

back a wandering attention over and

over again is the very root of

judgment, character, and will.…

Education which should improve this

faculty would be the education par

excellence.” William James

Mindfulness

As simple as 1,2,3 (but it ain’t easy)

1 Behold!

2 Relaxed & Alert

3 Purposeful, Present-oriented, Nonjudgmental – J. Kabat-Zinn

Mindfulness

Relaxed

&

Alert

Not Relaxed

Very Relaxed

Not Alert

1. Distracted

2. Dazed

Very Alert

3. Hyper

4. Mindful!

Mindfulness

Capax universi (Infinite capacity)

Sapere aude (Dare to know) – Kant

"One does not become enlightened by

imagining figures of light, but by making the

darkness conscious. The later procedure,

however, is disagreeable and therefore not

popular." Carl Jung

Empathy

Empathy

“Who sees inside from outside?

Who finds hundreds of mysteries

even where minds are deranged?

See through his eyes what he sees.

Who then is looking out from his eyes?”

Rumi (13th century)

Empathy

“Seek first to understand and then to

be understood.” Stephen Covey

Connection before correction

LifeView:

Is it better to react or respond?

LifeView

Conflict: stuck together

“The unlike is joined together, and

from differences results the most

beautiful harmony, and all things take

place by strife.”

Heraclitus (6th - 5th century BCE)

Authentic & Compassionate

Action:

FENDing for OneSelf

Reacting (Fight-flight) Responding with Compassion

Assumptions, distortions, Facts (seen or heard)

generalizations & conclusions

Judgments of another person or his/her Emotions (mad, sad, scared)

behavior

Greeds (craving for selfish outcomes) Needs (sources of fulfillment)

Demands (involving blame or Desires expressed as specific,

punishment for not complying) affirmative, practical requests/proposals

Based on Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication.

(See www.cnvc.org)

3 MBCE Tips for

Engaging with Conflict

1. Speed kills ◦ Develop mindfulness (especially of the body)

◦ “Catch it early”

◦ Take a conscious breath or a time-out

3 MBCE Tips for

Engaging with Conflict

2. Connection before correction ◦ Listen; listen longer; listen for needs

◦ Paraphrase & summarize.

◦ Look for the nod of agreement

3 MBCE Tips for

Engaging with Conflict

3. Say only that which is honest,

respectful, AND effective Focus on areas of agreement first

There’s enough to meet everyone's needs

Encourage incremental change with self-

compassion!

Thank you!

Questions & comments?

bnmediation@yahoo.com

Local Resources:

Oregon Network for Compassionate

Communication

www.orncc.net