Problem People — (Cautionary Characters)

7/28/2019 Problem People (Cautionary Characters)

1/28

PROBLEM PEOPLE

(Cautionary Characters)

by Rocky Leplin

2013 Rocky Leplin


2/28

RANDY

Randy, as his name applies,

Is a guy who, when with other guys,Describes his conquests left and rightOf ladies of the day and night.

This puppys one you cant keep downHe points his sword all over town,Anoints all those who wear a gownOr nothing but a smile or frown.

Mybaby? Randy says, aghast,Bag it up and drown it fast;A babe would crimp my style some,Twere it known where it came from.

Randy fancies that the ladiesFind him the best this side of Hades,They dont waste him on romance,Just hastily pull down their pants.

To have him for their own theyll scratchEach others eyes out and then snatch

Him up and wolf him down,Verbing freely with his noun.

AIDS? VD? Crabs or herpes?Randy laughs off all disease.His systems pure efficiency,Scoffs at immune deficiency.

All though they envy Randys putz,Most men secretly hate his guts;

They would die just for a lookyWhy should he get all the nooky?

Of course when it comes to subjects thatHave zip to do with lying flat,Randys somewhat unawares,But as he puts it, So? Who cares?


3/28

Hes right, of course: who cares that heCant quence his thirst for ecstasy,

And that each wench that he has triedLeaves him a tad dissatisfied?

Who cares if when his humble peersHave families, friends and their careers,Hes still after one more tart,His putz a stand-in for a heart.


4/28

LLOYD

According to the polls,Most people get annoyed

Whenever they have to dealWith anyone whose name is Lloyd.

They say that Lloyds are loyalThey say that Lloyds are true.I say the only LloydIknowBurned out from sniffing glue.

Your basic Lloyds a personWho believes that he once wasAs good ad what he didAs at what anybody does,

But despite his best intentions,His mind began to strayHe forgot how to do anythingIt was downhill all the way.

Now a Llyod I realize soundsLike he may be of noble birth.Youre thinking of his ancestors:

They knew what they were worth.

But somewhere in their lineageA fatal flaw took root,And most Lloyds that you will find these daysYoull find unfit to lick your boot.

I had a mailman once named Lloyd,Unsure of lifes demands.He crinkled every envelope

That came into his hands.

I dont think he knew he did it;He was just sort ofdistracted,And not privy to the requirementsThat his job exacted.


5/28

When he wasnt squashing themHed put them in his mouth.You could say that his attention span

Had wandered somewhere south.

Its a tragedy what happenedTo the fates of those named Lloyd,And that theyll never attain the statusThat they once enjoyed.

Theyd like to gain it back, of course(Nowthatwould be a thrill!),But if you take one look at any LloydYoull know they never will.


6/28

BOB

Bob has one unfurrowed brow;Nothing gets to him, somhow.

War, contagion, earthquake, floodBob looks bemused and chews his cud.

Its not what happens, he will say,Not that he looks the other way:Its how the human brain responds,He postulates, and then he yawns.

While you and I may have aversionsTo lifes slings, and fling aspersions,Robert doesnt tune them outHe wonders whats the fuss about.

Death of a relative, perchance?Catch you later, Uncle Lance.Termites underneath his feet?All Gods children have to eat.

Descend a pitch-black basement stair?Bob finds a quiet comfort there.In the silence of the tomb

Dont wee worms liven up the gloom?

Of course, Bobs led a quiet life;Hes never marriedneeds no wife.Self-sufficient to a tee,He revels in his company.

Now we all know at least one Bob,And must admit, hes not a slob;Hes immaculate, in his white shirt;

Beneath his nails no hint of dirt.

But should he be suddenly splashed with slime,Hed only cry out, How sublime!Of course, this all just makes us leery,But I have a little theory.


7/28

No, its no psyche-tripe unwizened,About some inner Bob, imprisoned

Someone who, if you believe the squealingsOfpsychopundits, stuffs his feelings.

No, Robert genuinely enjoysEverything our souls destroys.So whyis it hes so glad?Need you ask? The mans quite mad.

Dont worry, thoughalthough outrageous,His lunacy is not contagious.Plus, theres

oneway to get his goat:

Ignore him when he tends to gloat.


8/28

FRED

The trouble that youll always haveWith someone whos named Fred

Is how to tell him apart from someoneWhos already dead.

You cant blame him for being that wayIts not his fault he hasA soul that you could sayIs the antithesis of pizzazz.

You have to wonder whySomeone would named their child Fred.Maybe theyd had their brains removed(Or maybe they have fled).

They couldnt have been thinkingAbout the future of their son.Fortunately no one whos namedFredCan know the damage done.

The only guy I know named FredIs a (you guessed!) mortician.Isnt it nice that theres at least

One fitting Fred position?

Yknow how Wonder BreadIs just this empty, thin white clumpThat once inside your stomachTurns into a useless lump?

Well, if Fred were food,That would be a good description,Just like he would be a mummy

Were he an Egyptian.

Now its true that Freds have wivesAnd families and such,Though its hard to say exactly how.(Do Freds and Freds wives ever touch?)


9/28

I myself take pity onAny woman who would want to,For whatever reason

Have a Fred to hold on to.

Who knows why anyoneWould ever want to be Freds wifeLike him, she must be thinkingThat theyre in their afterlife.


10/28

BILL

Alas, alack for all of thoseWho ingest the bitter pill

Of making the slightest personalInvestment in a Bill.

Do you recall how time is money?(Thought I might just tweak your brain.)Well, time spent with a BillIs just like money down the drain.

I wouldnt say that hes unwiseThat would not be quite correct;But hell advise you to the deathIf he is left unchecked.

The knowledge Bill has gainedThroughout his life hell swiftly share.Its a waste of breath to sayThat you dont need it: he wont care.

Once the faucets openA Niagra will commenceIn which the drops ofyour opinion

Wont make any dents.

If you want to feel defeatedFeel life fade behind your eyes,Just harken to himhell light up,While the soul within you dies.

What possesses him, you wonder(Those who dont believe in Satan)To drum his data through your head

In a voice thats always gratin?

Why must he fill you fullOf all the points of his expertise,Just as in a peanut plantThey fill up crates with goober peas?


11/28

Is it to compensate for the factThat underneath the statistical tideThere beats a heart thats lacking

In a single shred of pride?

Orheres a notion with whichThose who know him may have toyed:The man youve always thought he wasIs actually an android.


12/28

JAMES

Nowtheres one of the most

Aristocratic-sounding names!So raise your glass and toastAll those who boast of being James.

On the other hand, youd bestNot waste a drop of your liqueurs.Youll need them all if theres a JamesWho is a friend of yours.

Now every James believes that hesA most important personBut through his life his relationshipWith himself will tend to worsen

Directly in proportionTo the emphasis he placesOn always putting onThe very best of public faces.

What you eventually get with JamesIs a man whos proud and vain;

Someone who may boastThat he can stop the falling rain.

Someone who will makeThe most extraordinary claim,But when nothing ever comes of itWont take the slightest blame.

Of course, you cant help beingA bit in awe of James at first,

But once you get to know himYou will find this gets reversed.

Hell raise your expectationsBut he wont share your disgraceWhen you take the path he points toAnd fall crudely on your face.


13/28

In the end hell die a broken manBut before he doesalas,

Hell leave in his wake a trailOf shattered dreams like broken glass.

The best thing you can do for JamesIs to let him go his wayAnd not let him drag you with him,Or therell be hell to pay.


14/28

LOU

If Lou shows up with slick-backed hair,That doesnt mean its raining

(Or that hes been standing on his headWhile his ear wax has been draining).

In Lous opinion (if you can sayHe ever really forms one),Under neither the dominionOf society nor the norms one

Ever happens to establishIn respect to things like tasteShall he ever (were he able to)Consider himself placed.

While the masses of his fellow menTroop toward their daily rendezvousWith civilizations busy hive,Not so (what jive!) a Lou.

Without much consultationWith himself, a Lou will optFor standards no one you would be

Caught dead with will adopt.

Its not just the shiny shoes,Like giant, laced-up coffee beans.Its really ratherdoes such footwearReally go with pitted jeans?

A tee completes the picture,One of its short sleeves rolled up tight,To accommodate a pack of Camels

(Smooth character!Yeah, right.)

On one of Lous lean, hungry armsIts muscle tone a flatAre tattoos of a weasel,A deaths head and a rat.


15/28

Lou exercises these reliefs

By holding a pool cue,Or scratching, while he contemplatesThe bubbles in a brew.

Once outside he chomps downOn his cycle and he ridesInto the sunset, you can betNot in search of Princess Brides.

In Lous defense, it can be saidOr then againcan it?(Do we really wish to make excusesFor theLous loose on the planet?)


16/28

JOHN

John has the killer instinct;He goes right for the throat

But he is serious about it,And is not the kind to gloat.

Nor is he one to triumphIn the face of your death rattle;No, for John, the victoryDoes not transcend the battle.

When he stabs you in the backAnd you slump upon the floor,The consequences of this actDont stimulatethey bore.

Its a shame that he cant savor,Does not relish your demiseLets another pull your eyelidsDown to cover up your eyes.

Its the fray in which John relishes,Where he is in his element(One in which his impulses

Are not quite heaven-sent.)


17/28

BARBARA

Barbaramellow, grounded, wholesome,

Just a wee tad smug.Sometimes she makes you want toFind her voice and pull the plug.

Just once youd like the satisfactionOf avoiding here reationWhen in the course of human eventsYou slip up a tiny fraction.

Your Barbaras fortunate in thatLike her blood relative, the cat,She knows better than to thinkThat shes imperfect (nonot that!)

If you have a BarbaraIn your life Ill understandWhy it can sometimes be an effortTo restrain your hand.

It must be in her breedingThat she feels she has no choice

But, when youre tried, to slideThat edge of scorn into her voice.

And when she knows shes gone too farIs when shes guaranteedTo laugh right in your faceAnd if you thinkthatwill make you teed,

Try saying one defensive wordOn behalf of humble pride.

With derision in her eyes shell cry,That chokes me up inside!


18/28

There are existing ways

To put a Barbara in her place,But most of them involveSome rearrangements of her face

So an actual solutionsMore involved than it first appears.(Are your problems really solvedBy getting ten-to-twenty years?)


19/28

DIANE

Diane hears the cosmic dance,

A sound that you and IWill never tune in toAlthough we try and try and try.

Its everywhere, its all aroundIn every flower and bird,So why does it not surprise herWhen by us, it goes unheard?

The sun, the rain, the windThese things bring Diane endless joy.You wonder what youre missing(She just smilels and says, Oh boy)

Youd give up everything right nowTo live inside her skin(Even though you cannot sayExactly where its been.)

Can it be that shes possessedOf the peace that passeth comprehension?

(Or does that shimmer in her eyeResult from water tension?)

Now, out of professional jealousy(Being a research tech at Mystics, Inc.)I have tried to find the fallacyIn how the (un)common Diane will think.

I was lucky enough to sneak up on oneWhile she was thinking aloud.

I think I scored a coup that day(My guru will be proud).


20/28

She spoke in a kind of singsong,

In a language that could notHave been anything more recent thanThe Tongue That Time Forgot.

Now I realize that not manyHave the wisdom to construeAny deep significanceTo Doo-bee-doo-bee-do,

But I had to wonder (okay,So Id had a couple beers)Was it something from the FiftiesOr the Music of the Spheres?


21/28

DEBBIE

Debbies everybodys friend

The life of the party! But what then?Speak to her of world affairs?As if Debbie really cares!

Utter words of time and tide;Thus do your two worlds collide.Its not that she cant think abstractly,She just prefers thinking matter of factly:

Wheres that pool cue? Chalk that sucker!(She concentrates while her lips pucker.)Rock and roll is her mainstay(Keep those stupid strings away!)

Beer and pizza, the SuperbowlSuch ecstasies make Debbie whole;But nothing Debbie so enjoysAs hanging tightly with the boys

And on the 10-scale, her 10-manIs brawny, dirt bikes, and realtan.

Not everyone can go to collegeBut Debbie does pursue some knowledge:

Shes awesome with a good steak knife,And fiber is a way of life.She holds no strong beliefs, but hey!Let no one knock the USA!

Drugs, she feels, are the nations bane,Though shes not so sure about cocaine.

Live and let live? Deb can do!She even once went out with a Jew


22/28

(Though she thought, between swigs of gin,

He shouldbelieve in original sin).Of course, Deborah was a Hebrew name,But she wont use it way too tame!

She needs that ie on the end to beSecure in her sexuality,But once in an intimate situation,Debbie believes in procrastination;

She has to hear the big man begBefore shell let him near

heregg.

Full of fun, and mischief too,Debbies pure Red White and Blue.

She takes no sass she knows her worth(Just pray that she will not give birth).


23/28

LYNN

Lynn looks out at men

From the remotest corner of her eye.Shes not being discriminating,Nor is she being shy.

She actually is ponderingDegrading thoughts, and why?She has the same respect for menAs you have for a kitchen fly.

Dont take it hard: Lynns assessmentIsnt based on fact.What is her source of information, then,To be exact?

A mystic sort of synthesisOf insight, if you will,And the basic leap of faithThat all men basically are swill.

Well, not allmen (good heavens!) Just the ones who dare to glance

Anywhere in her directionWith a vague thought of romance.

For deep inside her, Lynn knows thatWhats in the bastards mindIs squeezing all her juices outTill all thats left is rind.

(Its not a matter of goosing her,No, its worse than that

Its plunging all the fluid outUntil shes paper-flat.)

What deep division in her soulAssigns to this soiled placeThe honor and the dignityOf half of the human race?


24/28

Childhood abuse?

That seems the obvious explanation;In her case, its ledTo acute carnal frustration.

(Of course, with this hypothesisI admit the cardinal sinOf trying to decipher,And thereby assist a Lynn.)


25/28

SARAH

When Sarah shifts her ethereal gaze

Upon the starry sky,Can it be a UFOIs up there drifting by?

Something must have alerted her Some otherworldly tone;Sarah hears it the way you and IHear voices on the phone.

To you and I it might seem strangeTo sleep out on the lawn,But Sarah says its how she contactsThose Whove Come And Gone.

Ask her of her music,Shell respond with a half-smile;The station that she listens toIs not on any dial.

And what of lifes disturbances?The future of the earth?

Itwill come to pass, she says(Ofitthere is no dirth.)

But when she gazes in your eyesIt need not make you nervous:Gazing back, youll seeHers arent totally in service.

Though, didnt she predictA drastic change would come your way?

(It hasnt yet, of course,But it could happen any day.)


26/28

Ah, the mysteries of life They seem contained in Sarahs smile

Well, this one is at least:Whats in that little crystal vial?

Begin then, if you willTo follow Sarah in her ways.It wont be long before you feelYoure in a total daze.

Eventually, if my faithIn your sanity should prevail,Shell come to resemble a catThat keeps on chasing its own tail.


27/28

PEG

Peg! So forthright and so happy

Okay, so shes a little sappy,Especially when she tells you aboutLife back up in the woods with Pappy

And the ten or twenty waysIn which the gourmet can includeThe subtle gustof groundhogIn the flavors of her food.

Now many Pegs, of course,Will seek to hide their woodland roots:Theyll pay a fortune to get their hair doneAnd wear fine suits with expensive boots.

But if you merely scratch the surfaceOf any urban Peg, Im sureYoull find yearning for the simple lifeThat only dense verdure can cure.

Now it may be true that she herselfWas never a forest dweller,

But in her private momentsPeg can let rip quite a beller.

She might not know the sourceOf this impulse to holler out,But of course, its when her forebearsGave their coon dogs a rousing shout.

There also might be justA slight connection there

With why a Peg may tend to haveA problem with, wellhair.

Shell shave it off in the morningBut by the end of the day,Itll grow back so much thickerShe have to throwthatblade away.


28/28

Pegs are lots of fun, of course,Theyll run and do crude flips.You can count on them theywanttoGut the fish on camping trips.

So raise your cup of bramble teaAnd down it to the dregsIn praise of the idea(If not the reality) of Pegs.

Date post:	03-Apr-2018
Category:	Documents
Upload:	rocky-leplin
View:	219 times
Download:	0 times

Problem People — (Cautionary Characters)

Documents