Queen C Journal

8/9/2019 Queen C Journal

1/43

Queen C says:whad up?

Douglas says:nahmuch. whas movin.

Queen C says:

21 grams?Queen C says:

who's in that?Douglas says:

not anymore.Douglas says:

s'too much to talk and watch and watch and....Douglas says:

but everybody good.Douglas says:

benicio del toro

Douglas says:sean penn

Douglas says:umm...naomi watts


2/43

"preoccupied"?Queen C says:

"just reading"Queen C says:

hahahaha!

Douglas says:funny. cute. funny.Douglas says:

ha ha.Queen C says:

i thought that was goodDouglas says:

i see.Douglas says:

really.Douglas says:

your show super good or you tied up?Queen C says:s' ok. not siper tied up...whas on your mind?

Douglas says:i thought this would be cool, but...i'm not keeping you.

Douglas says:we can rap later.

Queen C says:STOP THAT

Douglas says:stop WHAT?!?!?!

Douglas says:you're not SAYING ANYTHING!!!

Douglas says:normally you can't shut up

Queen C says:wow.

Douglas says:here or on the phone or...ANYWHERE.

Queen C says:jerk

Douglas says:

so either...you're like...not on it right nowDouglas says:

or you're busy orDouglas says:

...SOMETHING.Douglas says:

so...YOU stop that!!!Queen C says:


3/43

..or you're paranoidDouglas says:

or not.Douglas says:

don't front me out.

Queen C says:pleaseQueen C says:

i speak the truthQueen C says:

imma truth tellerDouglas says:


4/43

Douglas says:moving and shaking. getting dinner together. leaving my parents, headed tothe grocery store.

Queen C says:kinda. you know the whole vulnerability thing

Douglas says:like that.Douglas says:

yeah. i know about it. i just don't understand why you can't SHOW it.Douglas says:

for instance, the whole not talkign on here.Douglas says:

i guess like...you're making sure i really want to be on here talking to you?Douglas says:

'cause that makes TOTAL sense, by the wayDouglas says:

Queen C says:whatev

Queen C says:i guess i have a hard time showing you...dunno why that is

Douglas says:(got booted)

Douglas says:so...still not ready for vulnerability?

Douglas says:okay.

Queen C says:i'm tryingDouglas says:

maybe s'just me.Queen C says:

but you're not so vulnerable yourselfDouglas says:

but...dont' believe you.Douglas says:

yes. texting you. saying can we talk.Douglas says:

getting on here.Douglas says:

initiating contact.Douglas says:

saying that somethign seems off.Queen C says:

ok ok okDouglas says:


5/43

that's me. being guarded.Queen C says:

well, you're in good companyQueen C says:

what is that?

Queen C says:y are we guarded with eachother?Douglas says:

I'M NOT GUARDED?!?!?!?!!!Douglas says:

i'm reaching out.Douglas says:

YOU.Douglas says:

are shielding.Queen C says:

ohDouglas says:meanwhile...i can't understand why.

Douglas says:and i'm ASKING you why.

Douglas says:and you're LYING about the whole thing.

Douglas says:make no mistake. it IS lying.

Queen C says:whaddu mean?

Queen C says:i'm lying about what?

Douglas says:about beign guarded. about NOT wanting to appear vulnerable. aboutwhatever is eating/frustrating/EFFECTING you.

Douglas says:lying about THAT stuff.

Douglas says:scroll up on the conversation.

Queen C says:hmmm....

Douglas says:first half of the convo was you with one word questions/answers.

Douglas says:and your response to this...is...hmmmmm...?

Douglas says:okay.

Douglas says:tell ya what.


6/43

Queen C says:(um...i was still reading)

Queen C says:tell me

Douglas says:

i'mma lechu have your time to read and say hmmm and guard or shield orwatch tv or whatever.Douglas says:

i'mma watch my show.Queen C says:

okay whas with you?Douglas says:

drink a cold soda.Douglas says:

and get peaceful.Queen C says:

thas greatDouglas says:and, 2morrow...we'll talk again.

Queen C says:go watch your show

Douglas says:and you won't guard

Douglas says:and you'll tell me whats bugging you.

Douglas says:'cause i'm DEFINITELY asking.

Queen C says:i know

Douglas says:i'm not angry.

Queen C says:just give up

Douglas says:

Queen C says:THANK

Queen C says:

YOU!!

Douglas says:but i'mnot like...ANGRY.

Douglas says:

Queen C says:i'm trying, Douglas


7/43

Queen C says:i just...

Douglas says:i just came to this a little balled up...

Queen C says:

"?Douglas says:and didin't expect to run into the wall quite...

Douglas says:like this.

Douglas says:courtnie.

Douglas says:you, of all people, should know...

Douglas says:there is no trying. there is only do...or NOT do.

Queen C says:my words?Queen C says:

back at me?/Queen C says:

lovelyDouglas says:

actually thats mostly Yoda, from star wars...but..yeah. yoru ideas too.Queen C says:

you tell me some info.Douglas says:

not like..TOO self fulfilled, huh?Douglas says:

shoot itQueen C says:

i mean. you didQueen C says:

thru a textDouglas says:

i DID...wha?Douglas says:

okay.

Douglas says:right.

Douglas says:sorry. a lil slow.

Douglas says:i told you the info thru a text.

Queen C says:and it FCKED my whole thinking up


8/43

Queen C says:i was doing good

Queen C says:now, nasomuch

Douglas says:

Queen C says:i don't ike that

Douglas says:don't like what?

Douglas says:caring about me?

Queen C says:no...typo

Douglas says:

Douglas says:thinking about "US"?

Queen C says:no i like caring about you

Queen C says:yes

Queen C says:THAT

Douglas says:imagining us???

Queen C says:

thinking about usQueen C says:

yes alla thatDouglas says:

....umm....Douglas says:

tough shit.Queen C says:

knowing that it "could" beDouglas says:

it is what it is.

Douglas says:and it ain't nothin' ele.

Douglas says:else.

Queen C says:wow

Queen C says:tough shit, huh?


9/43

Douglas says:pretty.

Douglas says:much.

Douglas says:

i mean, wha...you want me to...like...lie?Queen C says:how is your brain not all crazy?

Queen C says:(no, don't lie)

Douglas says:..you really are the SIMPLEST, most ignorant, deaf/dumb/blind human inexistance.

Douglas says:i swear.

Queen C says:

huh?Queen C says:whad i miss?

Douglas says:why do you think my brain is "not all crazy"?

Queen C says:oh

Douglas says:what gives you that impression?

Douglas says:'cause i'm happy talking to you?

Queen C says:(i gtta stop smoking crack)

Douglas says:'cause we talk everyday this week for like..an hour or more a day?

Queen C says:i know

Douglas says:'cause we joke about dating? me dating you and/or dating other people?

Queen C says:i look forward to hearing your voice every morning

Douglas says:

'cause we "flirt on the phone"?Queen C says:

s' just surrealDouglas says:

....what makes you think...what in the stream of reality that you're swimming in,says..."he's probably not bugging"

Queen C says:(your computer sucks...you needa get with ben)


10/43

Douglas says:

Douglas says:

Queen C says:cause you sound all clearDouglas says:

i AM clear.Queen C says:

and i don'tDouglas says:

maybe for like...the first time...EVERQueen C says:

i'm gladDouglas says:

why aren't you?Queen C says:that makes me happy to know that you are peaceful

Douglas says:you said you would be.

Douglas says:clear, that is.

Queen C says:cause...

Queen C says:honestly?

Douglas says:thas what i get for believing you.

Douglas says:i told you, thats why i never do.

Douglas says:HONESTLY

Queen C says:shut your mouth

Douglas says:

Queen C says:

i want you in mylifeDouglas says:

why i gotta beg? why? either, you trust you, and it's real..OR..it's not.Queen C says:

it IS realDouglas says:

either we're "destined/designed" or we're not.Douglas says:


11/43

THEN DON"T FRONT ME OUT!!!Queen C says:

i'm NOTDouglas says:

don't...shield against me. thas dumb

Douglas says:not NOW. but you were!!!Queen C says:

i don't wanna get hurtQueen C says:

s' that simpleDouglas says:

and it smacks of my marriage, and our PREVIOUS relationship and..Douglas says:

okayDouglas says:

we...you've got two choices on that front.Douglas says:either...ONE...you resign from life.

Queen C says:or?

Douglas says:being...authentic, being YOURSELF, honesty...hurts its' a given. being close?costs. a bill usually paid in pain.

Queen C says:yes

Douglas says:

or TWO...dont' be close.Douglas says:

pull away.Queen C says:

but you can hurt me like my family canDouglas says:

from me. from lindsay. from your mom. from your dad.Douglas says:

from EVERYONE.Queen C says:

i mean REAL DEEP INSIDE

Douglas says:yeah. thas what it is.

Douglas says:

Douglas says:yeah.

Douglas says:thats the way it works.


12/43

Queen C says:so it's a little....

Queen C says:...intimidating

Douglas says:

i can dig that.Queen C says:i just have to be more honest with you and myself

Douglas says:or...not.

Douglas says:stop now.

Douglas says:stop stop COMPLETELY

Douglas says:get out. get out. get out now.

Queen C says:thas not funnyDouglas says:

only being half funny.Queen C says:

y think i should get out?Douglas says:

you mean, YOU...?Queen C says:

we are SO connected that once i fall...s' like falling into the rabbithole

Douglas says:like the matrix

Queen C says:(yes, thas what i meant)

Douglas says:or alice and wonderland.

Queen C says:like the matrix

Queen C says:and alice

Douglas says:

or...the jabberwocky.Queen C says:

who?Douglas says:

which, is connected to alice and wonderland.Douglas says:

you don't know the jabberwocky?Douglas says:


13/43

t'was brillig and something something?Queen C says:

um...no...oh ueah!Queen C says:

yeah, i ba-member

Douglas says:kids book, crazy kinda scary type deal.Queen C says:

so i should get outDouglas says:

adia used to like it, thas how come i remember as much as i do.Douglas says:

yeah. get out.Douglas says:

you don't want to be hurt.Douglas says:

you're on a fast.Douglas says:you're doing some thigns for you.

Queen C says:I"M NOT FASTING ANYMORE!!!

Douglas says:thas all good stuff.

Douglas says:i'm NOT available.

Douglas says:and won't be for a WHILE.

Douglas says:I said that.

Douglas says:I have a son.

Douglas says:a divorce that hasn't happened yet.

Douglas says:NO job.

Douglas says:NO place to stay

Queen C says:

you doneDouglas says:

my life reads like..."tragedy weekly"Queen C says:

whateverDouglas says:

...sad, but trueDouglas says:


14/43

and while i'm hopefulQueen C says:

at least you're 30 and not 60Douglas says:

and i feel good...and peaceful adn resolved.

Douglas says:i have a while to go before...anything.Douglas says:

Queen C says:

i do tooQueen C says:

(welcome back)Douglas says:


15/43

Douglas says:yeah. i just played it off and tried not to die.

Douglas says:

Queen C says:

hahahaha!Douglas says:what did she say...not sure that matters.

Queen C says:crazy

Queen C says:fine, don't tell me

Douglas says:don't get fussy.

Queen C says:stil crazy tho

Douglas says:it was about me and you, and the shape of you...

Douglas says:alot along the lines of my "type"...

Queen C says:wow, was she listening to our conv?

Douglas says:i can't call it.

Douglas says:s'funny though.

Queen C says:

yeah.Douglas says:

so.Douglas says:

you don't want to get hurt.Douglas says:

i geddit.Queen C says:

DO YOU?Douglas says:

that's...un-nerving.

Douglas says:thas a complicated question.

Douglas says:no. i don't WANT to get hurt.

Douglas says:but...now...maybe more than ever. i understand that hurt is a part of the deal.

Queen C says:i get that


16/43

Douglas says:AND...i'm coming from some...real bad pain. feeling alone, alienated, scared,failure...some bad stuff.

Queen C says:me too

Douglas says:so...i'm kinda...not SCARED of being hurt.Queen C says:

niceDouglas says:

i'm not...scared of it. not today.Queen C says:

i wish i could say the sameDouglas says:

and i'm not...pinning everything on you...or me...or us.Douglas says:

i mean...i like talking to you.Douglas says:it's helping me.

Queen C says:me too

Douglas says:i've got some questions as to if it's the BEST thing, or...what it means or whereit takes me or...

Queen C says:i got to say things to you that i needed to

Douglas says:

but...still....i like it. i'm trying not to LEAN on it too much. just..enjoy it for what tiis.

Queen C says:how do you do that?

Douglas says:and in that...know that...what i'm going through...is what i'm going through. andwhat i've BEEN going through for...months..maybe years now.

Douglas says:i told you, i've got help.

Douglas says:he wakes up at around 6am, and says "more, more"...which he thinks means

food, but...whatever.Douglas says:

i dunno why YOU are feeling so...anxious.Douglas says:

you've got the best of everything...so to speak.Douglas says:

we're talking...and sharing and building...in a GOOD way, i think.Douglas says:


17/43

better than...maybe EVER before.Queen C says:

i agreeDouglas says:

but i'm not trying to limit you or hold you back or anything.

Queen C says:TOTALLYQueen C says:

and i'm glad for itDouglas says:

...so...i mean, you could be doing ANYTHING. or anyone, not ina gross way,but still.

Queen C says:why do you keep saying that?

Queen C says:"hold me back?

Douglas says:i mean...you're there with your sister and family and...

Queen C says:thas crazy

Queen C says:so?

Douglas says:you've got everything open to you.

Douglas says:

Queen C says:

(thanks ben!)Douglas says:

good one.Queen C says:

you don't realize your hold on meQueen C says:

thas crazyDouglas says:

not that.Douglas says:

or...maybei don't...maybe.

Douglas says:but maybe...

Douglas says:maybe you don't realize...YOUR hold on you.

Douglas says:AND...as we previously acknowledged with the weepiness...

Douglas says:it IS moonrise.


18/43

Douglas says:so that' can't be HELPING

Queen C says:i know i told yout that it took YEARS to get over our relationship...(and i know myself...)

Douglas says:yeah. you did.Queen C says:

...and in that, i never got over ouQueen C says:

NEVER!!!!!Douglas says:

you were with stephen. from all indications, you guys were happy.Douglas says:

serious, even.Queen C says:

i left his house when i heard about youDouglas says:yeah. but you went back.

Douglas says:i mean.

Queen C says:I LEFT HIS HOUSE!

Queen C says:NO I DIDN'T

Douglas says:that's not an arguement i care to have or try to win.

Douglas says:all im saying is.

Queen C says:i couldn't...my eyes were like fauscets

Douglas says:...queen simpiCity...it's either half full...or half empty

Douglas says:either we are...entering a new phase in our lives, and relationship,TOGETHER...

Douglas says:or we're ENDING...

Queen C says:(no argument) i'm just saying it's not like i brought that up to relivethat whole thing. i bring that up because i need you to understandthat you are a part of me. i thought about you when i was withstephen. i dreamt about you when i was with stephen. i wnated youwhen i was with stephen. i couldn't shake that ...couldn't shakeYOU. (potty break)

Douglas says:


19/43

i'm back.Douglas says:

and i'll wait. till you say you are, too.Queen C says:

me too.

Douglas says:okayDouglas says:

so i read that, and i got it.Douglas says:

and that has weight and meaning and impace.Douglas says:

ctDouglas says:

and i know what you're saying.Douglas says:

i never stopped thinking about you either.Douglas says:its weird to admit that.

Douglas says:but...that aside.

Douglas says:today.

Douglas says:today? 11-30-07.

Douglas says:?

Queen C says:so you're not holding me up. i guess i've always...waited?Queen C says:

yesQueen C says:

11-30-07Douglas says:

we've got another chance.Queen C says:

i'm noticingDouglas says:

for EVERYTHING. for ANYTHING. for NOTHING.Douglas says:

...so either...it's half full.Douglas says:

or...half emptyQueen C says:

it's half fullDouglas says:


20/43

it's either a chance to get hurt.Douglas says:

or a chance to rediscover and rebuild a friendship...a relationship.Douglas says:

and you...me...WE...determine that is.

Douglas says:will i hurt you? sure.Queen C says:

i'm all for the second one, fully aware that the first one WILLhappen...u? i want a friendship. i want you in my life.

Douglas says:but will you hurt me? SURE.

Douglas says:not intentionally, not on purpose...but...its' gonna happen.

Queen C says:(just don't hurt me on purpose and i'll respond in kind)

Queen C says:whoa...ESPNQueen C says:

i knowDouglas says:

ME TOO!!! watching the celtics play the heat...Douglas says:

oh wait...Douglas says:

you don't have cable.Queen C says:

BOO!Douglas says:

anyway.Queen C says:

you shouldn't eitherDouglas says:

i know, right.Queen C says:

it rots your brainDouglas says:

when i get my own place, i won't.

Douglas says:i'll miss it though.

Douglas says:or maybe i will, but like...the basic basic package.

Douglas says:anyway.

Queen C says:at first...then s' like a bonus when you get to see it


21/43

Douglas says:so yeah.

Douglas says:but listen...i chose my words carefully...it won't be a "relationship" for a while.

Queen C says:

and you are constantly ASTOUNDED by the crap they put on cable tvand the people that watch itQueen C says:

i said friendshipDouglas says:

and...i dunno what that means, fully or how that...what that entails.Douglas says:

i know you did, i'm just saying.Douglas says:

to be authentic and all...Queen C says:

contrary to what you might think, i have some work/healing to dotooDouglas says:

s'not that i dont think you do.Douglas says:

or don't kNOW you do Douglas says:

i'm just saying.Queen C says:

so we agree on a frendship? no more shutting me down about that?Douglas says:

i wasn't shutting you downDouglas says:

i was just making fun of you.Queen C says:

yes you wereDouglas says:

Queen C says:

oh, well it wasn't funnyDouglas says:

thas 'cause you're dumb

Douglas says:along with mygirl/margo

Queen C says:(surprise, surprise)

Douglas says:ha chuckle ha.

Douglas says:so.


22/43

Queen C says:buttons on your underwear

Douglas says:aaah...timeless. that one never gets old.

Douglas says:

Queen C says:i'll say it till i croak!

Douglas says:hoping you get froggy...soon.

Queen C says:thanks, jerk

Douglas says:geddit...froggy...croak?

Douglas says:anyway.

Queen C says:not funny'Douglas says:

more authenticity


23/43

Douglas says:i mean, you're like...one line for my five lines.

Queen C says:back?

Douglas says:

Queen C says:i guess it's all just soaking in

Queen C says:i'm processing

Douglas says:okay.

Douglas says:i'm not gonna push you.

Queen C says:thanks

Queen C says:i still am having a hard time believeing that you would want to bewith me

Douglas says:why?

Queen C says:dunno what that is...

Douglas says:me EITHER.

Queen C says:gotta dig deep

Douglas says:you deserve...TWO me's.

Douglas says:

Douglas says:not sure if that'd be good or bad

Douglas says:

Douglas says:you deserve to be happy.

Queen C says:

...me either, honestly!Queen C says:

you do tooDouglas says:

and while you feel like i make you happy, thats' great. but even if i don't.Douglas says:

you deserve to be.Douglas says:


24/43

i want you to be.Queen C says:

i amQueen C says:

and i will be

Douglas says:maybe you are...but you dno't believe you SHOULD be...or that you deserveit...or SOMETHING.

Queen C says:thas important to me. i want you to be too. and if i can't help, thatwould hurt

Douglas says:and not 'casue i'm all super great. but just...'cause...i mean...you should getwhat you want.

Queen C says:i do believe that i deserve it

Douglas says:i'm on my way to being happy.Douglas says:

and understand what that fully means.Queen C says:

i know and i'm excited for youDouglas says:

and...believing that I deserve it.Queen C says:

you doDouglas says:

'cause really? i'm thinking that my happiness points more toward like...Douglas says:

alicia keys.Douglas says:

but...i'm just saying. as i'm discovering it and understand it...Douglas says:

i'm moving along.Queen C says:

it's a journeyDouglas says:

thas the truth.

Douglas says:so you may find that i'm not a direct part of your happiness. thas okay.

Queen C says:i could say the same to you

Douglas says:but in the same way, as we're in this...process/journey/whole thing...

Douglas says:yeah. you could say the same.


25/43

Douglas says:and i guess...i'm just saying...that it feels half full.

Douglas says:like it can only get better from here, between us.

Queen C says:

i believe that tooQueen C says:that's exciting

Douglas says:so...no anxiety.

Queen C says:a little, but it'll go away

Douglas says:no...limitations.

Douglas says:none of that.

Queen C says:no limitations, no lies, no noe of thatDouglas says:

just one step and one step and one step.Queen C says:

yesQueen C says:

i'm slowDouglas says:

thas okayDouglas says:

me too.Douglas says:

i mean, i got stuff going on.Douglas says:

stuff to figure out. work through.Queen C says:

man, do you!Douglas says:

so it's okay.Queen C says:

(and me too)

Queen C says:and you have a son

Douglas says:i'm wasn't upset earlier. but i could see that you were blocked...it IS frustratingto see it and ask and be told..."nothing"

Queen C says:why do you keep saying that?

Douglas says:


26/43

so i was just going to let you work on that and let me work on mine.Queen C says:

i know. i'm sorry about that.Douglas says:

i KEEP saying it?

Queen C says:yes, keepDouglas says:

i'm trying to get at ben, for real.Douglas says:

Douglas says:

...i dunno that i keep saying it.Queen C says:

hahahaha!Douglas says:

and if i do, 'cause i keep thinking about it.Queen C says:i do too

Douglas says:s'a big deal.

Queen C says:it is...sort of

Douglas says:as we're taking these steps, figuring out what we're doing, how to do it, WHYto do it...all that.

Douglas says:

i mean...today we talked about who will be where for christmas...Queen C says:

wowQueen C says:

that is a big dealDouglas says:

...thats...thats something. it's new.Douglas says:

i mean...yeah. but...it's...its' real.Douglas says:

and from the look of things, it's gonna be a real part of our lives.

Queen C says:kids will notlove you any less for it

Douglas says:yeah.

Douglas says:not thinking that in any way.

Douglas says:buchu know...i gotta feel it. gotta walk through it.


27/43

Douglas says:thas why, i knew...i got on here a little balled up...so i wasn't about to try andpound on you

Douglas says:in the midst of YOUR balling up.

Douglas says:just...take it for the moment...and come back at it.Queen C says:

i mean i asked you what was on your mindDouglas says:

yeah...and that was definitely on there.Queen C says:

i knew it was somethingDouglas says:

but i wasn't about to throw that in the mix with your thing.Douglas says:

not 'cause mines not important or whatever.Queen C says:but i asked

Queen C says:i could've handled it

Douglas says:but...i wasn't about to let you use MY thing as a shield to

Queen C says:it IS important

Douglas says:not saying you couldn't.

Douglas says:I KNOW IT IS

Douglas says:but like this.

Douglas says:you can't give a one armed hug

Queen C says:you can't do that anymore

Douglas says:well..you can...but its wack.

Queen C says:

(yes)Douglas says:

you can't reach out and say, what's wrong wtih you? in the midst of holdingback and pullign away to hide whats wrong with yourself!!

Queen C says:uh-huh

Douglas says:so no...i wasnn't keeping mine. or...playing it down..or anything.


28/43

Queen C says:you sure?

Douglas says:i swear...it's like you're not even ON here with me.

Douglas says:

have you been drinking?!?!?!Douglas says:

Queen C says:your not funny.

Queen C says:no, not yet!

Douglas says:had to ask.

Douglas says:look at it again.

Douglas says:i VOLUNTEERED mine.Douglas says:

i said...this is what was going on with me.Queen C says:

true, you didDouglas says:

not 'cause you had to go first, but...Douglas says:

if you WEREN'T going to goDouglas says:

i wasn't going to play into that.Douglas says:

either, we share. or we don't.Douglas says:

not like..you share adn i don't...or i share and you don't.Queen C says:

we share. and no games like beforeDouglas says:

either WE do...or WE don't.Queen C says:

WE do...i get it

Douglas says:cheeseNrice!!!!

Queen C says:i shared

Queen C says:i mean it was like you had to pry it out of me, but that wasn't fun

Queen C says:i feel better when i tell you and i volunteer stuff.


29/43

Douglas says:it WAS like ihad to pry it out. and that WASN't fun.

Queen C says:i know.

Douglas says:

and it's a good way to build resentment.Queen C says:I KNOW

Douglas says:not beating you, or the dead horse, but i am saying it.

Douglas says:and being authentic

Queen C says:and i appreciate it. and i'm doing the same. authenticity just....feelsgood

Douglas says:

Queen C says:you are

Douglas says:authenticity is pretty okay.

Douglas says:and i'm glad to have...dealt with it.

Queen C says:and it feels good to be able to do it with you

Douglas says:oooh..i know it does!!!

Queen C says:wow

Douglas says:sorry...i'd resisted the dirty jokes ALL THIS TIME!!!!

Douglas says:

Queen C says:you mean u should be saying that to me!

Queen C says:nerve endings and all...

Douglas says:

see how you bring up old stuff, that was said in separate private settingsDouglas says:

thas not even funny.Queen C says:

did i offend you?Douglas says:

about the nerve endigns thing?Douglas says:


30/43

no.Douglas says:

not at all.Douglas says:

s'true.

Queen C says:ohQueen C says:

goodDouglas says:

maybe a little embarassing.Douglas says:

but true.Queen C says:

s' jst between you and meDouglas says:

and more? i probably SHOULDN'T have told you.Queen C says:and the bedpost!

Queen C says:hahahaha!

Douglas says:bedpost...not FENCE post..'casue..yeah..bedpost...FUNNY.

Douglas says:right.

Douglas says:yeah...shouldn't have told you.

Douglas says:shoulda just kept that one.

Douglas says:ah well.

Queen C says:couldn't resist

Douglas says:yeah, i see.

Douglas says:s'fine.

Queen C says:

like my not bathing thing? prolly shouldn't have told youQueen C says:

i know about itDouglas says:

you DIDN"T HAVE TO TELL ME!!!Queen C says:

s' fineDouglas says:


31/43

i KNEW!!!Queen C says:

whatever. i do not stink!Douglas says:

i mean...i've been there with you, and you didn't bathe...for days

Douglas says:and lindsay joked youDouglas says:

and I joked you.Queen C says:

now my dad does...man, can i getta break?Douglas says:

you did NOT know about the whole...nerve endings/never recovered thing.that was mine.

Douglas says:and i shoulda just...suffered/whatever in private.

Queen C says:true. but you think mine weren't effected?Douglas says:

damn oversharing.Queen C says:

word vomit.Queen C says:

love itDouglas says:

Douglas says:

yours were effected? i dunno.Queen C says:

you KNOWDouglas says:

i KNOW about mine.Queen C says:

i remember the first time we "fooled around"Douglas says:

or rather...i usedta know...after burning 'em up...certain functions, higherthought process are just...done for.

Douglas says:

aslkjasdfDouglas says:

can't do that.Douglas says:

CAN"T DO THATQueen C says:

okDouglas says:


32/43

Douglas says:

"fooled around"Queen C says:

doubt it

Douglas says:and...i'm not sure if you mean "fooled...around"Douglas says:

or...FOOLED AROUNDDouglas says:

but...Douglas says:

anyway.Queen C says:

you no what i meantQueen C says:

anywayDouglas says:yes.

Douglas says:for the record.

Douglas says:

Douglas says:ain't gon be no fooling around.

Queen C says:AMEN

Douglas says:i'm serious.

Queen C says:me too

Douglas says:and i don't know what you're saying amen to..but...wahtever.

Queen C says:the no fooling around thing

Douglas says:yeah.

Douglas says:

i mean it.Douglas says:

but thas for a later conversation.Queen C says:

okay. me too. seriouslyQueen C says:

next topicDouglas says:


33/43

me? just...loving the boot.Douglas says:

on the next topic, but related...Douglas says:

like...

Queen C says:uh-ohDouglas says:

Douglas says:

sabrina's friend, jonte


34/43

SUFFER?!?!?!? Douglas says:

suffer how?!?!?Queen C says:

wait...redefine fooling around for me

Queen C says:then i'll tell you how i sufferDouglas says:

aslkjaslkjasfDouglas says:

see?Douglas says:

okayDouglas says:

why are we saign fooling around ANYWAY?!?!!Douglas says:

you said it first.Douglas says:fooling

Queen C says:cause thas what imeant

Douglas says:like...i was saying it in terms of some kind of physical relationship.

Queen C says:me too

Douglas says:so...in one sense...fooling....ar-OUND...is...NOT intercourse.

Douglas says:but...anything/everything up to.

Queen C says:right

Douglas says:but..FOOLINGAROUND is actual intercourse.

Douglas says:which is why i was said, about us, do you mean...fooling...around...or..

Queen C says:wait. it is?

Douglas says:

FOOLAROUND?!?!?!Douglas says:

wha/!?!?!?!?Queen C says:

no i meant fooling aroundQueen C says:

not FOOLING AROUNDDouglas says:


35/43

s'funny word.Douglas says:

say it..fooling fooling fooling.Queen C says:

a litle bit

Douglas says:okay. well i meant, both..two ways.Douglas says:

so yeah..well..apparently she doesn't fool around OR FOOLAROUNDDouglas says:

either way.Douglas says:

you suffer?Queen C says:

yes.Douglas says:

like how?Queen C says:i'm not FOOLING AROUND

Douglas says:y'know...guys...at a point, myself included...mostly thinks girls don't care.

Queen C says:WE CARE

Douglas says:not like...DON'T CARE...but like...y'know...arent super hung up on it.

Douglas says:

Douglas says:

Queen C says:we do

Douglas says:yeah...i...i didn't really/don't really know.

Queen C says:I do

Douglas says:suffer how.

Douglas says:

?Queen C says:

in a relationship...Douglas says:

like...to say...emotionally? or...something?Queen C says:

if you don't FOOLAROUND, if you don't have that closeness,everything suffers


36/43

Queen C says:emotionally, physically...all facets

Douglas says:......jasja...mmmm....maybe.

Queen C says:

maybe?Douglas says:i see wahchu mean.

Douglas says:for me...s'all connected too.

Douglas says:i can't FOOLAROUND, if i don't feel close...

Douglas says:so...i geddit.

Queen C says:yeah, like that

Douglas says:so yeah, i'm just...i dunno...we have a committed, steady thing...Douglas says:

live close to each other..Douglas says:

and...we don't...do...ANYTHING?Douglas says:

here i feel like i sound like a regular guy...a MAN's MAN if you will...Queen C says:

right? how does that work?Douglas says:

but...i AM a man...at some point.Queen C says:

(you do )Queen C says:

you are a manDouglas says:

and we...stay together, and sleep together...and...like...just...hand shake andgo home?

Douglas says:TOUGH.

Queen C says:

RIGHTDouglas says:

s'a LOT of meditation, right there.Douglas says:

Queen C says:

among other thingsDouglas says:


37/43

see...Douglas says:

youre un-necessarily...Douglas says:

just...extra.

Douglas says:for no reason.Queen C says:

i'm isQueen C says:

i know thisDouglas says:

yeah. you is.Douglas says:

good.Douglas says:

so yeah, not ALL girls care.Douglas says:obviously, jonte doesn't.

Queen C says:yeah, i don't get that

Douglas says:at a point, i do...its' kinda a can of worms, thing...if it's never beenopened...then...s'not all over teh place.

Douglas says:how old were you, your first time?

Douglas says:

Queen C says:i was 16

Queen C says:(yes)

Douglas says:

Queen C says:u?

Douglas says:wohao.

Douglas says:how come we don't know this stuff aout each other?!?!?!?!!

Douglas says:i mean...we had sex.

Douglas says:MORE THAN ONCE.

Queen C says:


38/43

you never wanted to talk about itDouglas says:

this is like..basic interview stuff...Douglas says:

REALLY!?!?!?!

Queen C says:reallyDouglas says:

you really had my brain in place i can't even understand today.Queen C says:

sadlyDouglas says:

dammit.Douglas says:

SADLY!?!?!?...i dunno.Queen C says:

that goes both waysDouglas says:so you don't know how old i was?

Queen C says:yeah, i take sadly back

Queen C says:no

Douglas says:i wasn't 16

Douglas says:not like...a jab.

Douglas says:but like...i wasn't.

Queen C says:sure

Douglas says:i feel all kinds aways.

Douglas says:like...y'know...

Douglas says:i dunno what i was doing..

Douglas says:

i can't believe...NEVER?!?!?! we NEVER Talked about this?!?!?!Douglas says:

Douglas says:

thas crazy to me.Queen C says:

never, and c'mon with the c'monDouglas says:


39/43

i 'on't even know. i was 21.Queen C says:

WOW!Douglas says:

see.

Douglas says:?Douglas says:

i said, "c'mon"!!!Douglas says:

Queen C says:

you were a grown ass manQueen C says:

i was a kidDouglas says:

i ALSO said, i wasn't 16.Douglas says:yeah.

Douglas says:i was.

Douglas says:had my own place and everything.

Queen C says:i didn't want to go off to college a virgin

Douglas says:wha?!?!?

Douglas says:like...unless you were going off to college in like...10th grade

Douglas says:

Queen C says:nice. we "did it" in his twin-bed when his parents were out for theevening

Douglas says:asdjklfklajdsljk

Queen C says:i was a senior in high school

Douglas says:yeah....but..y'know...i was me.

Queen C says:so maybe 17

Douglas says:AT 16???!?!

Douglas says:hmph.


40/43

Queen C says:i know my logic was all fucked up

Queen C says:but i loved him

Douglas says:

i mean, you were...young.Queen C says:and i wanted to

Douglas says:see, that part...i don't get.

Douglas says:like..you wanted to.

Douglas says:guys dont really believe that.

Douglas says:

Queen C says:he didDouglas says:

we WANT you to want to...but...i dunno.Douglas says:

so yeah..no...i was...older.Queen C says:

it was what it wasQueen C says:

i wish i was olderDouglas says:

and is, what it is.Douglas says:

you can't do that.Douglas says:

s'part of the whole thingQueen C says:

i do tho. i wish (sometimes) that i would've known...Douglas says:

and i wish my computer would get it together.Queen C says:

really know what i was doing

Douglas says:yeah.

Douglas says:can you ever know?

Douglas says:i didn't know.

Queen C says:but i don't regret it


41/43

Douglas says:and i was old and...old

Queen C says:it was TERRIBLE

Douglas says:

Queen C says:tmi?

Douglas says:but C'MON!!!

Douglas says:you were a kid.

Queen C says:i know we were 17

Douglas says:if it wasn't terrible, i'd be like...freaked out for real.

Queen C says:true. i bled all over the placeQueen C says:

FOR DAYSDouglas says:

like what kinda...abnormalasklasjkdfDouglas says:

adsjklflasjkdfDouglas says:

asjkldfadsfjklkladsfjjkladsfQueen C says:

tmi?Douglas says:

aaannnd there it is.Douglas says:

Douglas says:

my threshold of painQueen C says:

my badDouglas says:

right there.

Douglas says:not bad.

Douglas says:just...wow.

Douglas says:tough.

Queen C says:yeah


42/43

Douglas says:dijoo like...TELL someone/TALK to someoen.

Douglas says:SOMETHING

Douglas says:

thas crazy.Queen C says:my girl alyssa (i think you met her)

Douglas says:someone who WASN'T lindsay.

Queen C says:we celebrated!

Douglas says:aaahhh. nice.

Douglas says:an adult.

Douglas says:great.Queen C says:

yeah, good ol' 17 cherry popping celebration!Douglas says:

see? reason number 87 to not have ANY girl children.Douglas says:

and THAT? is truly gross.Queen C says:

please. my mom knewDouglas says:

thanks for the wording/image whole...thanks.Queen C says:

your welcomeDouglas says:

'cause you told her or 'cause you were like...bleeding like a stuck pig?Queen C says:

yupQueen C says:

l;ike a dumb assDouglas says:

WHICH?

Queen C says:cause i was bleeding

Douglas says:nice.

Queen C says:and then i told her

Douglas says:for days?


43/43

Douglas says:id on't...thas...

Queen C says:for DAYS

Douglas says:wow.Queen C says:

i know!Queen C says:

i thought something was wrongQueen C says:

one of my friends had to go to the er after her first time...i fearedthat was to be my doom too

Queen C says:so i told her

Queen C says:she was not enthused

Douglas says:i dunno how to..

Douglas says:yeah. imagine that.

Douglas says:not being all super excited for that whole thing.

Queen C says:yeah

Queen C says:

i want girlsQueen C says:

one dayQueen C says:

hello?The following message could not be delivered to all recipients:

hello?

Date post:	30-May-2018
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Queen C Journal

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