"Recognizing and working with high conflict behaviors in mediation"

PRESENTED BY DEBRA DUPREE, MA, LMFTFOR THE

ASSOCIATION FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTIONWORKPLACE SECTION

Working with Emotional Intensity

June 2012

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What we will learn today…

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a. What are some key features of high conflict behaviorb. When and how to interrupt while setting boundaries around emotional ventingc. How to listen through the moment of emotional intensityd. Understanding their Fear-based logic while not getting hooked: using reality testing and indirect confrontationse. Creating action plans to establish structure, emphasize their strengths and manage their emotionsf. Learn and use a four-step process for analyzing situations that employees can take back to the workplace

Using CPRCredibility, Professionalism & Respect

Four Clusters of Personality Disorders

DSM IV

Borderline: marked by extreme mood swings, fears of abandonment, frequent anger and manipulative behavior

Histrionic: emotionally intense, similar to Borderline but often with less anger and more drama; sometimes fabricates events

Narcissistic: extreme preoccupation with self, a disdain for others, and preoccupation with being treated superior

Antisocial: extreme disregard for the rules of society, little empathy, and a willingness to hurt others for personal gain

Key Traits of High Conflict Personalities

BorderlineBorderline NarcissisticNarcissistic

Fear of abandonmentIdealisticDevaluation of othersImpulsive behaviorSuicidal behavior or threatsChronic emptinessSudden, intense, extreme

anger or change in moodParanoia

Lack of empathyInflated sense of self-

importanceDemands special treatmentDemands admirationSense of entitlementExploits relationship EnviousArrogant

March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012

Key Traits of High Conflict Personalities

HistrionicHistrionic Anti-socialAnti-social

Demanding of attention Inappropriately seductive or provocativePhysical appearance draws

attentionShifting & shallow emotionsDramatic, theatrical &

exaggeratedSuggestibleBelieves relationships are

deeper than they are

Repeated violation of social norms/laws

Lying and conningImpulsive and fails to plan

aheadIrritable & aggressiveReckless & IrresponsibleLack of remorseOnset of conduct disorder

by Age 15

March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012

HCP CORE FEATURES

Why they are the way they areHow they contribute to their own

problemsOr, how to change

Aaron Beck (1990) Cognitive Therapy of Personality Disorders

Behavior becomes rigidly patternedSocial impairment evolvesRigid behavior evokes responses from

others that “validate” their inflexible beliefs

Efrain Bleiberg (2001) Treating Personality Disorders in Children & Adolescents

March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012

• Lack of self- awareness

• Lack of adaptation

PRIMARY FEARS DRIVING BEHAVIOR

Fear of being wrong / being ignored

Fear of losing / being inferior

Fear of not being liked / being abandoned

Fear of emotional discomfort / being dominated

March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012

High Conflict Behaviors

Rigid & UncompromisingDifficulty accepting lossDifficulty healing from

lossEmotions dominate

thinkingInability to reflect on

own behavior

Difficulty empathizing with others

Preoccupied with blaming others

Avoids responsibilityfor the problem or the solution

Depends on others to solve problems

March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012

Understand the Three-step Cycle of High Conflict Thinking

Mistaken Assessment of Danger (M.A.D.)Internal distress that’s perceived as external dangerE.g. being abandoned, treated inferior, ignored,

dominated

Behavior becomes Aggressively Defensive (B.A.D.)HCP “attacks” the perceived source of danger

Negative FeedbackHCPs perceive ANY feedback as negativeHCP then escalates

Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute

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Four Key Issues in Managing HCPs

Bonding – this is a big issue for HCPs. Pay attention to your relationship – they seek a dependent relationship and agreement with their thinking through a secure relationship and intense emotions.

Structure – acknowledge emotion and then focus on tasks . Emotional distresses dominate the HCP, making it hard to think clearly, but they can switch out of these feelings with help. Make lists, gather information, get external help, assign 2-3 things to get done before next meeting.

Reality Testing - remain skeptical of the accuracy of their information given their cognitive distortions. Let the HCP know that you may never know the full story but that decisions can be made with what is known!

Consequences - HCPs tend not to connect realistic CONSEQUENCES to their own ACTIONS…explore various outcomes, what if no agreement, build consequences into agreement, prepare for breach, address fear of loss.

March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012

Common Snags in Communication

What’s your snag?

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Skillpath Seminars

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Structuring your Listening

ACTIVE LISTENINGWays to structure your listening skills to listen through the

moment of emotional intensity!

Listen for the sounds of the BEACH

Beliefs

Expectations Assumptions

Concerns Hopes

A Five-Step Process to Setting Boundaries around Emotional Venting

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REMEMBER…Listen for the sounds of the BEACH!

Paying attention to a Person’s Feelings helps de-escalate the venting

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E.A.R Method

EmpathyAttentionRespect

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Wm. Eddy “It’s All Your Fault”

Active Listening… Show them you understand

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What can WE do to settle the Nervous System Down

De-escalateTone of VoicePlan aheadEmpathize, don’t argueAcknowledge fearsDemonstrate respectAdult Time-outs

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Analyze the Conflict…Establish Structure What is it about?

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Determine the Source of Conflict

Internal

Interpersonal

Organizational

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What are some likely Causes of Conflict

Interdependence

Differences in style/personality

Differences in background

Differences in leadership

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Managing the Situation

Break things down according to…o What do we FACTUALLY know?

o What EMOTIONS do we have about the situation…how do we feel…how are we impacted?

o What do we VALUE in this situation, i.e. what is important to us…the other person…the organization?

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Listening using your E.A.R.• Demonstrate

Empathy

• Pay Attention

• Display Respect

Recognize that it’s easy to become frustratedwith their emotional sensitivity & cognitive distortions

Recognize that it’s easy to get “emotionally hooked” & want to withhold positive responses

Recognize that it’s easy to want revengeand attack or criticize in return

Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute22

C.A.R.SA 4-Step Process

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1) CONNECT WITH YOUR E.A.R.2) ANALYZE REALISTIC OPTIONS3) RESPOND QUICKLY TO MISINFORMATION (IN A NON-THREATENING OR NON- ATTACK MANNER)4) SET LIMITS ON MISBEHAVIOR

Bill Eddy, Esq. LCSW

Ten TIPS for Managing Emotional Intensity

Lower expectations for change

Listen to highly insistent emotions (w/o getting hooked)

Understand their logic is fear-based

Focus on tasks – create action plans…next steps

Emphasize their strengths

Reality TestUse indirect confrontationsEducate about

consequencesInclude a positive advocateMake recommendations

Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute

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What to do if you are “HOOKED”Take a deep breath…or a fewTake an adult time-outAcknowledge their concerns…arrange to meet at

another time to resume discussionGo to the balcony…get some perspectiveReach back out…focus on behavior, not the personUse “I” language…not “You” languageRemember…the “issue” is not the “issue”…the

“issue” is the behavior being demonstrated

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CONCLUSIONUSE IT OR LOSE IT!

WHAT’S ONE THING YOU LEARNED TODAY THAT YOU WILL LEAVE THIS CLASSROOM &

TAKE ACTION ON?

"Recognizing and working with the high conflict personality in

mediation"

It’s not YOU…it’s ME!Taking responsibility for effective communication & conflict

management at work & at home

PRESENTED BY DEBRA DUPREE, MA, MFT1-800-743-1973

WWW.RELATIONSHIPSTHATMATTER.COM

“I GO LOOKING FOR TROUBLE!”

PROVIDING SOLUTIONS THROUGHCOACHING, GROUP FACILITATION, MEDIATION & TRAINING

THANK YOU!

Resources

March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012

Eddy, William, http://www.highconflictinstitute.comGrant, B., et al, Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 7/2004,

4/2008, 7/2008.Kvols, K.J. Redirecting Children’s Behavior McIntosh, J., et al, Family Court Review 1/2008.National Institute of Health (NIH), 2002 and 2008.National Institute on Alcohol Abuse & Alcoholism

(NIAAA).Skillpath Seminars