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What is Conflict?
Conflict Normal Often not serious Equal emotional reaction Not seeking power or attention Not trying to attain something Remorseful; takes responsibility Effort to solve the problem
What is Bullying?
Done on purpose Happens repeatedly Serious; threat of physical harm or emotional
or psychological hurt Seeking power or control Trying to attain material things or power No remorse; blames victim No effort to solve the problem
Bullying may result from…
a sense of entitlement
an intolerance toward difference
a liberty to exclude, isolate and segregate a
person deemed not worthy of respect or care
Bullying is…
A relationship problem that occurs between two or more people where one person has more power than the other
To deal with relationship problems we must use relationship solutions
Why focus on bullying?
Persistent bullying can leave long-term scars on the victim
Students who bully others are likely to engage in other anti-social or delinquent behaviours
Bullying contributes to a negative social climate Bullying is a widespread problem amongst school
children Role rehearsal for adulthood New legislation Bill 157 Because we CARE…
Odd Girl Out ~ Rachel Simmons
Bullying in girls peaks between ages 10- 14
By middle childhood most relational aggressors are girls
There is a hidden culture amongst girls in which bullying is an epidemic
Our culture refuses girls access to open conflict, and it forces their aggression into non physical, indirect and covert forms
Society’s Gender Roles
Western society still expects boys to become family providers and girls to be nurturers
Females are expected to mature into caregivers; a role deeply at odds with aggression
Boys’ popularity is rooted in their toughness, athletic prowess and resistance to authority
Aggression is the hallmark of masculinity
Aggression in Girls
Girls not immune to aggression but express anger in unconventional ways
When aggression cannot be directed at the target, the perpetrator has to find other channels
Cultural rules against typical forms of aggression lead girls to engage in other, non-physical forms
Girls and Aggression ~ What we see
Girls attack within tightly knitted networks of friends
Girls fight with body language and relationships instead of fists
Non-physical aggression is seen as a rite of passage for girls and a natural phase of their development
Schools often simply write off girls aggression as this rite of passage and it often goes unchecked
Understanding the Girls’ World Girls are typically social beings with their
identity gained within social groups
Relational Aggression is:
Aggressive, hurtful behaviors from within social relationships or friendship groups
Main form of bullying used by girls (Girl Bullying)
What Girls Do
Back biting Exclusion Rumours Gossip Name calling Manipulative affection Inflict psychological pain Cut eye and other hurtful
forms of body language Aliance building Cyber Bullying
Motivation for Relational Aggression
Fear Power Control Popularity Security Competition Jealousy Retaliation
Roles within the Girls’ Social Group
Queen Bee – holds all the power
Sidekick – allows herself to be controlled by the Bee
Wannabe – like the name implies
Gossiper – using info to gain power
Floater – moves in and out of groups
Target – receiver of violence and/or threats
Bystander – witness who feels caught in the middle
The Queen Bee
Also known as the alpha girls
Person who chooses to hurt or damage a relationship
Most often false, over-confident and loud
Friends do what she wants
Defines right/wrong by loyalty to friendship
Doesn’t take responsibility for hurting others
Often charming to adults
The Sidekick
Second to the Queen Bee but can also be a target
Supports Queen; mirror image of the queen
Feels the Queen is the boss and allows herself to be pushed around
Will listen to Queen re: dressing, thinking, talking
Will lie for Queen
The Wannabe
Other girls’ opinions and wants are more important than hers
She can’t tell the difference between what she wants and what the group wants
Desperate for the “right” look (clothes, hair, etc.).
Feels better about herself when others come to her for help, advice
Loves to gossip---phone and email are vital to her
The Gossip
Extremely secretive; good communicator; gives the impression of being a good listener and trustworthy
Seems to be friends with everyone; needs to be admired and important
Seemingly nice; uses confidential info to gain popularity
“Don’t tell anyone I told you this but…”
The Floater
Moves freely amongst cliques; avoids conflicts
Popular and nice; but not TOO popular
Has respect for others; doesn’t try to influence or exclude others
Not competitive or trying to win friends
The Target
Often feels helpless to stop others’ behaviours
Feels excluded or like a “loser”
Often ridiculed by the Queen and sidekicks
Used and manipulated by others
Put down by others
May look terrified
Often walking alone or with head down
The Torn Bystander
Often finds herself having to choose between friends
Accommodating
Peacemaker---wants everyone to get along
Doesn’t stand up to anyone she has conflict with---goes along to get along
The Cyber Bully
Usually done, or at least planned, in a group
Done for entertainment Occurs from a school
library, slumber party, or from the family room
Grows when fed by group admiration, cliques or by the silence of others
Quickly dies if they don’t get the entertainment value they are seeking
Signs of Relational Aggression
Sadness Loneliness; isolation Feelings of powerlessness Inability to trust Anger; frustration Helplessness Lower interest and performance in school School avoidance Somatic symptoms (stomach aches, headaches) Eating disorders Mood disorders Self harm Suicidal Ideations
What to Do?
Dr. Michelle Anthony, author of Little Mean Girls Can Be Mean talk about a 4 Part Plan:
OBSERVE
CONNECT
GUIDE
SUPPORT HER TO ACT
The 4 Step Plan……
OBSERVEThings to watch and listen for: She is being picked on/excluded Pattern of on/off again friendships Speaks negatively about certain girls in a certain way Sudden marked change in mood Sudden withdrawl from favourite activities Changes in eating sleeping habits Avoiding certain social situations
The 4 Step Plan…….
CONNECT Important step Keep talking and lines of communication
open Assist with clarification of feelings (confusing) EmpathizeStatements like….“I notice when you come home……”“Oh, I see. How does it feel when she says
those things to you…..”“Tell me more about that……”
The 4 Step Plan
GUIDE Work as a team to generate some possible ways to
work through situation Refrain from “telling”
Some helpful ideas might include: Ways to expand her social circle (after
school activities, teams, clubs, drop in) Ask who the kids are that seem to
get along well with everyone BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL Role play
The 4 Step Plan
SUPPORT HER TO ACTOnce you have generated strategies for action:
Allow her to choose
Role play ahead of time
Be there when she comes back (listen, empower, guide)
Overtime she will be a more “empowered” person entering in to new social networks
Strong, confident, resilient
Steps to Stop Mean Girls Behaviour
1. Get Educated
2. Know the Signs of the “Mean Girl Scene”
3. Be Proactive
Be Proactive
Teach conflict solving Start with one ally Broaden her experiences Boost EMPATHY Don’t push too hard on being “popular” Help her discover her passions/strengths Watch TV ~engage in social media together Point out positive female role-models Expect RESPECT BE the EXAMPLE you want your daughter to
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Resources Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades by
Michelle Anthony, Reyna Lindert, Michelle Anthony, M.A., Ph.D., Reyna Lindert, Ph.D.
Queen Bees & Wannabes Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of Adolescenceby Rosalind Wiseman
Dr. Michelle Borba’s Reality Check www.micheleborba.com/blog
Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons
Websites
www.kindcampaign.com
www.becauseiamagirl.ca