RELATIONAL DIALECTICSRELATIONAL DIALECTICS

Leslie Baxter & Barbara MontgomeryLeslie Baxter & Barbara Montgomery

inin

Em Griffin, A First Look at Communication Em Griffin, A First Look at Communication TheoryTheory

CLICKER QUESTIONCLICKER QUESTION

According to Relational According to Relational Dialectics, sameness Dialectics, sameness characterizes intimate characterizes intimate relationships.relationships.

A. TRUE

B. FALSE

CLICKER QUESTIONCLICKER QUESTION

• According to Relational Dialectics theory, According to Relational Dialectics theory, personal relationships thrive only when personal relationships thrive only when people finally achieve the level of people finally achieve the level of independence from one another.independence from one another.

•A. TRUEA. TRUE

•B. FALSEB. FALSE

Intimate CommunicationIntimate Communication

• Relational dialectics is a theory about close Relational dialectics is a theory about close relationships, romance, friends, & family;relationships, romance, friends, & family;

• It is interested in the communicative It is interested in the communicative predicaments of relationships, in the predicaments of relationships, in the interplay of opposing tendencies enacted interplay of opposing tendencies enacted in interaction, complex contradictions in interaction, complex contradictions within family systems;within family systems;

• Personal relationships are indeterminate Personal relationships are indeterminate processes of ongoing flux;processes of ongoing flux;

Push-Me-Pull-You Dialectics of Push-Me-Pull-You Dialectics of Close RelationshipsClose Relationships

• The theory suggests not to look at personal The theory suggests not to look at personal traits when we want to understand the nature traits when we want to understand the nature of close relationships;of close relationships;

• Contradiction is the central concept of Contradiction is the central concept of relational dialectics;relational dialectics;

• A contradiction is formed whenever two A contradiction is formed whenever two forces are interdependent (the dialectical forces are interdependent (the dialectical principle of unity) yet mutually negate one principle of unity) yet mutually negate one another (the dialectical principle of negation) another (the dialectical principle of negation) p. 161; p. 161;

ContradictionContradiction

Intimate Intimate ------------------------------------ Independent Independent

• According to Relational Dialectics, all According to Relational Dialectics, all personal relationships face this personal relationships face this tension;tension;

Simultaneous and Conflicting Simultaneous and Conflicting ForcesForces

• Baxter & Montgomery take ideas from the Baxter & Montgomery take ideas from the Russian theorist, Bakhtin;Russian theorist, Bakhtin;

• Bakhtin saw dialectical tension as the Bakhtin saw dialectical tension as the “deep structure” of all human experience;“deep structure” of all human experience;

• There is no ultimate resolution to the There is no ultimate resolution to the opposing forces;opposing forces;

• Our skills at interpersonal relations do not Our skills at interpersonal relations do not resolve the tensions;resolve the tensions;

• Relationships are always in flux;Relationships are always in flux;

Three Relational DialecticsThree Relational Dialectics

• Connectedness-Separateness;Connectedness-Separateness;

• Certainty-Uncertainty;Certainty-Uncertainty;

• Openness-Closedness;Openness-Closedness;

A Challenge to Traditional A Challenge to Traditional WisdomWisdom

• Social Penetration Theory suggests Social Penetration Theory suggests that partners want that partners want more closenessmore closeness;;

• Uncertainty Reduction Theory Uncertainty Reduction Theory assumes that we seek assumes that we seek interpersonal interpersonal certaintycertainty;;

• Most conceptions of intimacy assume Most conceptions of intimacy assume that it is always best to be that it is always best to be openopen;;

• Relational Dialectics questions these Relational Dialectics questions these traditional and conventional ideas;traditional and conventional ideas;

We Also Seek the Opposite We Also Seek the Opposite of the Conventional Goalsof the Conventional Goals• We also seekWe also seek

– Autonomy;Autonomy;– Novelty;Novelty;– Privacy;Privacy;

• We can’t simply choose one end or the other of We can’t simply choose one end or the other of a dilemma: We are caught between, juggling;a dilemma: We are caught between, juggling;

• There are more paradoxes than the three, e.g., There are more paradoxes than the three, e.g., judgment and acceptance;judgment and acceptance;

• Can you think of others?Can you think of others?

CONNECTEDNESS & CONNECTEDNESS & SEPARATENESSSEPARATENESS

• A primary strain within all relationships;A primary strain within all relationships;

• Individual identities are important, but Individual identities are important, but some individual identity must be some individual identity must be sacrificed for the relationship to work;sacrificed for the relationship to work;

• Some independence can be associated Some independence can be associated with a fear of being hurt;with a fear of being hurt;

• At the same time, we desire connection;At the same time, we desire connection;

CERTAINTY & UNCERTAINTYCERTAINTY & UNCERTAINTY

• Berger’s uncertainty reduction theory makes a Berger’s uncertainty reduction theory makes a strong case for the idea that people want strong case for the idea that people want predictability in their relationships;predictability in their relationships;

• Relational dialectics theory does not disagree Relational dialectics theory does not disagree with this claim about predictability, but ….;with this claim about predictability, but ….;

• Relational dialectics believes that it is wrong to Relational dialectics believes that it is wrong to ignore our equal desire for novelty, mystery, ignore our equal desire for novelty, mystery, spontaneity, the occasional surprise;spontaneity, the occasional surprise;

OPENNESS & CLOSEDNESSOPENNESS & CLOSEDNESS

• Recall that Altman & Taylor’s Social Recall that Altman & Taylor’s Social Penetration Theory ultimately came to the Penetration Theory ultimately came to the conclusion that self-disclosure and privacy conclusion that self-disclosure and privacy operated in a cyclical or wavelike fashion operated in a cyclical or wavelike fashion over time;over time;

• In other words, relationships are not on a In other words, relationships are not on a straight-line path to intimacy;straight-line path to intimacy;

• A person’s need to tell all is countered by A person’s need to tell all is countered by their need for secrecy;their need for secrecy;

DIALECTICS BETWEEN THE DIALECTICS BETWEEN THE COUPLE AND THE COMMUNITYCOUPLE AND THE COMMUNITY

• Inclusion-Seclusion;Inclusion-Seclusion;

• Conventionality-Uniqueness;Conventionality-Uniqueness;

• Revelation-Concealment;Revelation-Concealment;

The Couple-Community Strains The Couple-Community Strains Parallel the Within-Couple Parallel the Within-Couple StrainsStrains

• Connectedness-Connectedness-SeparatenessSeparateness

• Certainty-UncertaintyCertainty-Uncertainty

• Openness-ClosednessOpenness-Closedness

• Inclusion-SeclusionInclusion-Seclusion

• Conventionality-Conventionality-UniquenessUniqueness

• Revelation-Revelation-ConcealmentConcealment

Within-Couple

Couple-Community

INCLUSION-SECLUSIONINCLUSION-SECLUSION

• According to Relational Dialectics, According to Relational Dialectics, the couple needs privacy until they the couple needs privacy until they can work out meanings for the two can work out meanings for the two people—becoming a social unit;people—becoming a social unit;

• After some time, the couple needs After some time, the couple needs the stimulation from others;the stimulation from others;

• A balance is needed;A balance is needed;

Conventionality and Conventionality and UniquenessUniqueness

• Society has a stake in seeing Society has a stake in seeing relational patterns reproduced—relational patterns reproduced—stability;stability;

• The couple needs a sense of The couple needs a sense of uniqueness to foster intimacy;uniqueness to foster intimacy;

• So, the couple is caught in a So, the couple is caught in a dilemma: conform-be unique;dilemma: conform-be unique;

Revelation & ConcealmentRevelation & Concealment

• Public disclosure of the nature of the Public disclosure of the nature of the relationship vs. keeping it quiet;relationship vs. keeping it quiet;

• Keeping the relationship private, Keeping the relationship private, gives the couple time to work things gives the couple time to work things out;out;

Dealing with Dialectical Dealing with Dialectical Tension:Tension:Competence in the Face of Competence in the Face of ContradictionContradiction• 8 strategies that people use to deal with the 8 strategies that people use to deal with the

opposing pressures of relational territory:opposing pressures of relational territory:– 1. 1. DenialDenial—a not very helpful practice of responding —a not very helpful practice of responding

to one pole of a dialectic while ignoring the other;to one pole of a dialectic while ignoring the other;– 2. 2. DisorientationDisorientation—a nonfunctional response —a nonfunctional response

arising from a feeling of helplessness—being arising from a feeling of helplessness—being overwhelmed—dialogue about the dilemma stops;overwhelmed—dialogue about the dilemma stops;

– 3. 3. SpiralingSpiraling alterationalteration—responding to one pole —responding to one pole now, the other pole later;now, the other pole later;

Coping Coping (continued)(continued)

– 4. Segmentation—a tactic of 4. Segmentation—a tactic of compartmentalization by which partners compartmentalization by which partners isolate different parts of their relationship; isolate different parts of their relationship; For instance, one may be open about For instance, one may be open about certain topics and distant about others;certain topics and distant about others;

– 5. Balance—a compromise approach that 5. Balance—a compromise approach that promotes ongoing dialogue, where both promotes ongoing dialogue, where both poles are seen as equally legitimate; poles are seen as equally legitimate; however, a happy medium is difficult to however, a happy medium is difficult to reach;reach;

COPING COPING (CONTINUED)(CONTINUED)

– 6. Integration—a way for parties to 6. Integration—a way for parties to simultaneously respond to opposing forces simultaneously respond to opposing forces without dilution or delusion—e.g., a traditional without dilution or delusion—e.g., a traditional couple sees their 35 years together as unique;couple sees their 35 years together as unique;

– 7. Recalibration—the process of reframing a 7. Recalibration—the process of reframing a situation so that the tugs and pulls on partners situation so that the tugs and pulls on partners no longer seem to be in opposite directions;no longer seem to be in opposite directions;

– 8. Reaffirmation—an active recognition by both 8. Reaffirmation—an active recognition by both partners that dialectic tensions will never go partners that dialectic tensions will never go away; they remind each other, ”If we weren’t away; they remind each other, ”If we weren’t so close, we wouldn’t be having all these so close, we wouldn’t be having all these problems.”problems.”

CritiqueCritique

• The dialectic jumble of contradictions—i.e., each The dialectic jumble of contradictions—i.e., each force is in opposition with every other force—is a force is in opposition with every other force—is a view of interpersonal communication that differs view of interpersonal communication that differs greatly from ideas that conceive of greatly from ideas that conceive of communication as communication as – shared meaningshared meaning– warm communionwarm communion– increasing certaintyincreasing certainty

• A major criticism of the theory is that much of its A major criticism of the theory is that much of its support comes from anecdotal evidence;support comes from anecdotal evidence;

• In the end, the theorists liken a close relationship In the end, the theorists liken a close relationship to staying upright on a unicycle, always working to staying upright on a unicycle, always working to keep from falling;to keep from falling;