Relationship Assets and Career Development The Ohio State University Todd A. Bell National Resource...

Relationship Assets and Career Development

The Ohio State University Todd A. Bell National Resource Center

Black Male Retreat 2015Presented by

Alvin D. Pelt, MD

Main Points

1. It’s not always what you know but who you know

2. The burden is on you to develop the important relationships

3. Effective communication is the key to healthy (happy) relationships

Objectives

1. Understand how developing relationships can advance your career

2. Develop the skills and techniques needed to initiate relationships with High Value People

3. Identify the 4 (four) principles of Non-Violent Communication (NVC)

Outline

• Relationship Analysis

• Relationship Initiation & Development

• Academic Impact

• Value beyond Undergraduate Years

• Long-term Relationships & Wealth

• Effective Communication is the Key

Relationship Types

• Friends

• Family

• Professional

• Intimate

Relationship Defined:

• An emotional connection between two or more people:

What can a Psychiatrist tell you about Relationships?


Initiation conveys feelings of:

• Importance

• Acceptance

• Validation

• Inclusion


Termination conveys feelings of:

• Anger

• Loss

• Sadness

• Abandonment

• Other negative emotions

Relationships

Can change over time…

Depths of RelationshipsDepths of Relationships

AssociatesFriends

Inner Circle

Close friends and family

People you know personally

Healthy Relationships6 Critical Elements

1. Communication

2. Expression (non-verbal communication)

3. Time commitment

4. Commonality

5. Trust

6. Respect

2 Most Important Elements

• Trust

• Respect

The brick & mortar of building a relationship…

#1 Communication

• Ability to convey thoughts and FEELINGS to others through verbal means…

• Barriers– Language– Accent– Tone– Abrasive words– Abrasive actions

#2 Expression

• Ability to convey thoughts and FEELINGS through non-verbal means…

• Facial expressions and body language are important aspects of effective communication !

Expression continued

Can get diluted in electronic media…

• Skype (maybe, maybe not..)• Texting

• Facebook

• Email

• Instant Msg.

“Don’t let the electronic media tell you how to think & feel…”

What is the Gain? What is the Loss?

Friends having coffee…

What is the Difference?

• Spending time with someone vs. spending time around someone…

#3 Time Commitment

• It takes time to communicate about the things we have in common…

• It takes time to view other people’s facial expressions (face-time)

• It takes a time-budget to initiate and maintain relationships

#4 Commonality

The things that draw us together…Things we talk about when we get together• Professional (shop talk)• Politics• Culture• Social scene• Sports• Money (cash)• Travel• Sex

How to Build Relationships

• Volunteer your time !• What Dr. Shaun Harper calls “Active

Engagement”• Creates 2 of the 6 critical elements;

– Commonality & Time

• Will eventually lead to (Trust & Respect)

#5 Trust

• Do you have my back?

• Can I talk with you in confidence?

• Are you ok around my family or significant other?

• Something about you that I admire…

• Something about you I’d like to have…

• You’re in a place I’d like to be…

#6 Respect

R-e-s-p-e-c-t

• "Taking Care of Business " (TCB)• Academics• Career• Family• Community

A 1967 hit and signature song for R&B singer Aretha Franklin…

Outline



• Academic Impact




Relationship Initiation

• You have to take the initiative to seek-out, and meet “High Value People”

Conventional Wisdom

• It’s not always what you know but who you know…and how well do you know them!

Dr. Pelt’s Wisdom…

The more Who you know, the more What you know…

•Learned about Mutual Fund investments 1st Year Med School from my Jewish Classmates (1980’s)

– T. Rowe Price International (110% annual return)

– Pioneer-II (90% annual return)

Story

• The Jewish Wedding

High Value People

• People who can help you navigate the dangerous waters

• People who have already done what you’re trying to do…

• Let go of the “Macho Mentality” and…walk through the minefields after somebody!

High Value People

• Professors

• Administrators

• Administrative assistants (conduits)

• Upper-classmen

• People who will write you a letter of recommendation (LOR)

• People who can help you get to the advance degree or internship

Question is?

• How do you get to know them?

• And how well will you know them?

Establishing Commonality

• Techniques to get a conversation going (small-talk)

• Staking-out some common ground

• Getting an audience to allow sub-conscious factors to surface – “Do we click?”– Do I like you?– Can we work together?

Contacting & Inviting Sales Technique

Acronym: F.O.R.M.• Family

• Occupation

• Recreation

• Message (what are you selling)

Helpful Hints

• Accomplished people love to talk about their accomplishments & career paths

• Generally want to help others pursue their goals

• Are usually willing to offer directions and advise if you have a common interest or a relationship with them…

Interviewing Techniques (1)

• At what point did you know you wanted to be a _____?

• What was the most important factor in you getting into _______?

Interviewing Techniques (2)

• If you could do it all over again what would you do differently?

• For a person at my level what would you recommend that I do?

Initiation & Follow-up

Goal:

• Get a contact phone number & email address!

Statement:

• “I’d like to keep in contact, what is the best way for me to reach you?”

Follow-up Techniques

In the order of importance to older, high value people….

•Handwritten note

•Voicemail

•Email

•Text

Barriers to

Relationship Initiation

• Intimidation

• Shyness

• Social anxiety

• Income status inferiority

• Language inferiority

• Misperceptions (they’re stuck-up)

Outline



• Academic Impact


• Long-term Relationships and Wealth

• Communication is the Key

Shaun Harper, PhDAuthor of The Black Male Student

Success in Higher Education Report:

From the National Black Male College Achievement Study Harper, S. R. (2012).

Keynote speaker for the OSU Black Male Retreat in 2013

• BA, Education – Albany State, Georgia (HBCU)

• Ph.D. in Higher Education – Indiana University

• Executive Director, – Center for the Study of Race and Equity in

Education– University of Penn

Twitter @DrShaunHarper [email protected]

Professor Harper

Black male student success in higher education:

• The largest-ever qualitative research study of Black undergraduate men

• The report on black male achievers– Study of the winners not the losers– 42 colleges and universities in 20 states

across the U.S.

Download:

www.works.bepress.com/sharper

Postsecondary Degree Attainment

by Level & Gender, 2009

Degree Black Men % Black Women %

Associate’s 31.5 68.5

Bachelor’s 34.1 65.9

Master’s 28.2 71.8

ProfessionalMD, JD, DDS

38.0 62.0

DoctoralPhD, Ed.D.

33.5 66.5

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Black Male Student Report(219 students)

Study Admission Criteria:

• G.P.A > 3.0

• Involvement in student organizations

• Meaningful relationships with administrators & professors outside the classroom

• Enriching experiences (educational)– Study abroad – Internships– Summer research projects – Service learning (work-study)

Side Note:

• The Sigmund Freud theory of psychiatry began in the 1930’s, before the invention of psychiatric medications (1960’s)

• Patients received psychotherapy to make them feel better

• He discovered that the relationship with the doctor (psychiatrist) was in itself a healing modality – i.e. The Therapeutic Relationship

Black Male Student Report

Relationships with Black male junior & senior student leaders lead to:

•Valuable insights & resources on how to navigate the university challenges

•Connections to information networks

•Engagement opportunities for:– Study abroad programs – Internships– Summer research projects, – Service learning (work-study)


• The achievers contributed much of their success to the Engagement Experience– Established relationships with faculty that

advised the clubs & organizations

• Better treatment in the professor’s class

• Hooked-up with peers who:• Shared notes• Study strategies &• Other resources that proved helpful in difficult

classes (did they get the old tests?)


• The achievers believed that their low performing, same-race peers were considerably more disengaged in the college experience & spent more time:– Playing video games– Playing sports– Pursuing romantic relationships (players)– Hanging out socially


High rates of campus engagement lead to:– Jobs – Internships– Study abroad programs– Coveted slots in highly selective graduate

programs &– Professional school admissions (MD, JD, DDS)

“This is how we do it” … Montell Jordan


• Lastly;

• Meaningful relationships through engagement – Had more influence on the achiever’s

outcome than did a structured mentoring program where the individuals were assigned…

Story of my 3 Sons…

• The Scholarship sons

• The Internship son

• The Corporate track son

Walking on the ground floor vs. the 3rd floor…

The worker bee vs. the queen bee…

Outline



• Academic Impact




The Next Level!

• Who will make the call for you?

• Who will pull some strings for you?• Who will write your LOR? (Letter of Recommendation)

Dr. Charles Basset Brown

• The first African-American to start for Western Michigan University men's basketball team (1948)

Dr. Charles Basset Brown

• Meharry Medical School Graduate (1953)

• Well-known Midwest Oral and Maxillo-facial surgeon

• More than 50 articles published • The 5th African-American to be certified by the

American Board of Oral and Maxillo-Facial Surgery (1960)

Outline



• Academic Impact




George S. Barrett

Chairman and CEO of Cardinal Health

•A Fortune 17 health care services co.

•$103 Billion in sales 2013

• Brown University 1977 History Major• Star of the soccer team with dreams to

play professionally• Injury lead to pursuit of his voice talent• Recruited to sing in school choir and

music productions • Added Music Major • Did some studio gigs and commercial

jingles in NYCGeorge S. Barrett

• George met Debbie Neimeth – Future wife, while planning to go to Law

School

• George met Dick Neimeth – Future father-in-law

• Dick was in the pharmaceutical business– Later started a new company

• NMC laboratories

George S. Barrett

• Dick convinced George to abandon law school and pursue business

• NMC laboratories then hired George – “Who worked his way up the ladder to

become CEO while taking evening classes to earn an MBA”

George S. Barrett

Columbus Dispatch, May 19, 2013

Outline


• Relationship (Initiation) Development

• Academic Impact




Effective Communication

• Is the Key to success in long-term intimate relationships

Long-term Healthy Relationships

Yields:

• Higher financial benefits (nesting)

• Better mental & physical health outcomes (live longer)

• Smarter, healthier & higher achieving offspring

• Strong legacy, and possibly your caretakers in your twilight years…

There Will be Problems…Marriage and Divorce:

• About 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce

– The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.

American Psychological Association

There Will be Problems…

• When you become emotionally involved in an exclusive relationship;

• The more time & opportunity you have to be negatively impacted by the other persons’ actions & behaviors

• How do you respond?

There Will be Problems…

• Mature communication & problem solving skills become critical !

It’s easy to break camp & go hunting again, especially if you’re a player…

Modeling Learning Technique

• How we learned to speak English before we learned how to read or write

• How we developed a communication style

• How we interact in relationships

• How drug addicts learn to recover

• How men learn how to be men…

What if you didn’t have good role models?

Modeling – Learning Technique

• Sometimes it’s positive modeling – We do what we see & hear…

• Sometimes it’s negative modeling– We do the exact opposite of what we see &

hear…

Immature Communication Styles

We’ve learned (modeled) to express negative feelings through:

– Evaluation– Interpretation & diagnosing someone else’s

behavior– Images

This results in blaming the other person which causes problems,

– For every action there is a reaction…

Immature Communication

Evaluation Statement:

• “I think the reason why you spend so much money is because you don’t have a clue how hard it is to make it, you think money grows on trees”


Diagnostic Statement:

• “You act like a 13 year-old school girl because you’re still running around…”


Image Statement:

• “When you wear that dress you look like a over-grown …”


• When people hear anything that sounds like criticism they tend to do:

• What?


• When people hear anything that sounds like criticism they tend to strike-back!

• Become defensive

• Counter-attack

• Display less love & respect for you


The criticism may come in the form of a:

•Voice tone

•Snide remark

•Sarcastic comment or joke

Mature Communication

• We have to learn how to connect our feelings to our needs…

• Makes it easier for the other person to respond positively rather than negatively

– “I don’t give a ___ about you or your…”

– The silent treatment, which is ignoring your very presence

(A form of passive aggressive behavior)

Mature Communication

Problem is:• We are not taught to think in terms of feelings or

needs… (The “F” word & The “N” word)

• We are socialized to believe that expression of need is a sign of weakness “she’s needy”

Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

Developed the model of:

Nonviolent Communication (NVC)


• A mature means of communication

• Non-threatening

• Allows better reception from your mate

NVC & Personal Relationships

Helps you:

• Get what you want more often… – Without using demands, guilt-trips or shaming

techniques

• Deepen your emotional connections

• Hear the needs behind whatever anyone does or says

NVC & Personal Relationships

• Helps you to develop your emotional vocabulary

• Help you to express your feelings and needs

• Help you avoid blaming others for your feelings

Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

Recommend:

4 Easy Steps (NVC)

1. Observations

2. Feelings (expression)

3. Needs (expression)

4. Requests (a change in behavior)

Observation Statement (NVC)

What I see, hear, remember or imagine:

•“When I see all the packages coming to the house every week…”

Feelings (NVC)

How I feel about what I observe; rather than what I think about it:

(what emotions or sensations go through my body…)

•“ I feel angry and disrespected…”

Needs (NVC)

What I need to cause me to have a more positive feeling:

•“I need to feel financially secure and that we’re on the same page with the spending”

Requests (NVC)

A concrete action I would like you to do:

•“Would you take over the light bills so I don’t have to worry as much about the finances?”


• The more skillful you are in this technique the more likely your are to keep your mate by your side…

THE END

Email: [email protected]: @apeltmkt

www.education-entertainment.com

Alvin D. Pelt, MD

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