RULES OF LIFE

Rule 1: Never forget your girlfriend’s birthday

Steve Whyley

FADE IN:

INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING.

A modern Italian restaurant that is packed with guests.

STAN, a 30 something man, who wears glasses and looks like

he is in need of losing some weight is speaking to a WAITER.

STAN

(out of breath and sweating)

Cramp. Cramp!

STAN drops to the floor and starts screaming in pain

prompting the people at the restaurant to look round at the

commotion.

WAITER

Quick get this man a chair.

Another waiter passes the WAITER a chair. The WAITER hoists

STAN onto the chair but STAN is still writhing in pain. The

WAITER, concerned at all the noise, lifts STAN through the

restaurant. Whilst STAN is on the chair STAN passes someone

he recognises.

THE INTERVIEWER

Not your day is it son?

The WAITER carries STAN through the restaurant and places

him out back in the kitchen. STAN gets out his phone and on

to his Rules of Life Twitter account and types

SUPERIMPOSE: Whatever you do, don’t forget your girlfriend’s

birthday.

TITLES

INT. LOUNGE - EARLIER THAT DAY.

TITLE: EARLIER THE SAME DAY

FADE IN:

The lounge is a student looking type of living area, pizza

boxes adorn the floor, there are DVD’s scattered everywhere.

The lounge is very dark and unwelcoming.

STAN is sitting on the sofa, in a very ragged dressing gown,

watching TV gormlessly. It is early morning and STAN looks

half asleep.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

EMMA is a late twenties, curvy blonde. She is better looking

than Stan but not intimidatingly so. She is wearing a

’Ramones’ vest top, with a blazer and a pair of heels.

EMMA

Can you put the rubbish out?

STAN

Will do, just give me five. Just

watching Aled and Lorraine. They’re

magic.

EMMA

Fine, I’ll do it myself then.

STAN (V/O)

Why do you always need a job to be

done that instant?

EMMA walks through the lounge huffing and puffing dragging

the rubbish. She knocks something over on the way through.

It is a large birthday card that says ’Happy 30th birthday

to the best daughter in the world’.

STAN picks up the birthday card and puts it back on the

coffee table. His attention immediately goes back to the

television. STAN notices that EMMA looks very annoyed.

STAN (V/O)

She’s playing the ’pretending

nothing is wrong when something

clearly is’ game. That universal

game that all women seem to know.

CUT TO:

DREAM SEQUENCE

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

STAN is buttering his toast in his dressing gown.

STAN (V/O)

If it’s like last time then I’ve

got up to three guesses before she

erupts and snaps.

EMMA enters, clutching a knife really tightly, walks across

the room towards STAN. STAN’s Eyebrows raised in terror as

EMMA approaches him with a knife.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

STAN (V/O)

Just don’t guess wrong otherwise...

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - HOUR LATER

STAN lying motionless on the floor, covered in blood.

END DREAM SEQUENCE

CUT TO:

INT. LOUNGE - MORNING

EMMA enters the lounge and sits down on the sofa.

STAN (V/O)

Get her talking. About anything.

Just invent something. Something to

break this brutal silence and avoid

this stupid game.

STAN

I’ve told Hursty that we’ll be

going to his thirtieth bash. Hope

that’s ok?

EMMA

Fine. Did you get him a card?

STAN

I don’t do cards for mates but got

him a great present. Got him the

Blade Trilogy.

EMMA

So you bought him a present?

STAN

Yes, the Blade Trilogy.

EMMA

You’re unbelievable.

STAN

(confused)

Thank you?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

EMMA

It wasn’t a compliment.

STAN (V/O)

Brilliant. Don’t tell me what’s

wrong will you. Let me spend the

morning guessing. I really enjoy it

when we do this. Time for a guess.

STAN

Are you mad at me because I’ve

dropped down to two kisses on

texts?

EMMA

(scrunches her face)

No! Was you born an idiot?

CUT TO:

DREAM SEQUENCE

INT. HOSPITAL - MORNING

MOTHER screaming, DOCTOR delivers crying baby.

DOCTOR

I’m sorry to have to tell you this,

but this boy is an idiot.

MOTHER starts to cry.

END DREAM SEQUENCE

CUT TO:

INT. LOUNGE - MORNING

STAN

But I thought girls got mad at

things like that?!

EMMA

Well, I’m not like that am I? And

anyway, who analyses how many

kisses they put on the end of

texts?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

STAN (V/O)

You, that’s who.

STAN

Ok, you’re right. Sorry.

EMMA

When are you going to wake up and

realise you’re in an adult

relationship?

STAN

Alright, calm down.

STAN then speaks in a Scouse accent to relieve the tension.

STAN

Hey, calm down, calm down.

EMMA looks at STAN with fury.

STAN (V/O)

Why do the accent?

EMMA

(annoyed)

So this is all a big joke to you is

it?

STAN

No it is not, but I don’t know what

to say because I don’t know what’s

wrong?!

EMMA begins to clench up her hands.

STAN (V/O)

What is that weird rash thing on

her arm? Why has her face suddenly

gained a pinkish hue?

STAN

Was it Blade? Did you want a

different ending? Did it not live

up to the hype?

EMMA

No, you absolute moron! Are you

incapable of having an adult

conversation?

(BEAT)

Oh and why we’re on the subject, I

don’t like Wesley Snipes. I never

have done.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

STAN (V/O)

(gobsmacked)

And breathe.

EMMA is seething, stands up and begins to tidy angrily.

STAN (V/O)

What have I forgotten? Did she see

me pee in the bath? Could be...but

do I want to bring that up? Such a

risk if that isn’t the issue,

although it could deflect attention

from this thing that I had done.

No, if she finds out I’ve pee’d in

the bath then she will never have a

bath with me again. I am in

trouble. What could it be?

(BEAT)

This must be big - look at her,

she’s fuming.

STAN

Is it that I said you had gained

weight recently?

STAN (V/O)

Now this is a huge moment. I don’t

know why I originally said it a

week ago.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK

INT. BEDROOM - EVENING

EMMA is zipping up a nice dress. STAN has not bothered to

get ready yet and is just reading a magazine on the bed.

EMMA is looking at her bum in the mirror.

EMMA

Look at me, have I gained weight?

STAN looks up from his Star Trek

magazine and looks over in EMMA’S

direction.

STAN

Only slightly.

STAN looks down at the magazine, then immediately back up

towards EMMA, his eye’s shocked at his own words.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

STAN (V/O)

That was a mistake. That could’ve

been forgiven, why have I brought

it back up with this audience?

Relationship suicide man.

END FLASHBACK

CUT TO:

INT. LOUNGE - MORNING

EMMA looks at STAN with sheer disdain.

EMMA

NO. No, you idiot, it’s not that.

STAN

Then what have I done? Is it

Hursty’s birthday, do you not want

to go? Should I have asked you

first?

EMMA

I’ve got to go to work.

STAN

Please don’t. Please stay! We need

to sort this and I need your help

for the interview.

EMMA

Well you should’ve thought of that

before. You really are so selfish.

STAN

Selfish? I’m trying to get a new

job for you. For...

EMMA

For me?

STAN

Yes.

EMMA

Rubbish. You just can’t handle

Housham anymore. Don’t you dare

make me feel bad.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

STAN

I wasn’t trying to. And it’s not

Housham. Look at us, we need our

own place. The landlord should be

paying US for living here.

EMMA

I’ve got to go to work.

STAN

I’m sorry. Please can we sort this?

EMMA departs slamming the door behind her.

STAN (V/O)

Just tell me how I mucked up. Oh

shut up Lorraine, don’t look at me

like that.

FADE TO BLACK:

FADE IN:

INT. OFFICE FOYER - MORNING

STAN walks into the office, passes two security guards, and

taps his pass to let him in to the building. STAN walks

through reception.

STAN (V/O)

My girlfriend hates me and I’ve got

to somehow get out of here at two

for an interview. Life is just

brilliant.

STAN gets to the lift area and pushes the lift button.

A large group of people arrive, STAN ushers them into the

lift and waits for the next one.

Lift doors open. It is empty. STAN enters. His face is

visibly smug. The lift is quite a cramped lift. STAN strolls

in to the lift and looks at himself in the lift mirror and

begins squeezing a spot. STAN casually presses number seven

on the panel and leans on the little rail that runs round

the interior of the lift.

STAN (V/O)

Can’t beat an empty lift.

The lift doors close. The lift doors immediately open. A

Rastafarian strolls in slowly listening to his reggae music.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.

STAN (V/O)

No not the Buffalo Soldier.

Another three people enter - SUE and PAM - fifty something

natterers. And a very smart man in a suit.

STAN (V/O)

No, no, no - not eighth floor Sue.

I have to hide, I cannot talk to

Sue. Pointless chat. I don’t care

about you Sue. Hopefully she will

not see me. How can I hide? I am in

a six foot square lift.

STAN attempts to move behind the Rastafarian and then with a

look of sheer horror sees SIMON the security guard entering

with a bike.

STAN (V/O)

You have to be kidding. We can’t

get a bike in here! We already have

the soldier, Pam, Sue, Tie Rack and

me.

STAN frantically presses the close button on the lift. The

doors are part closed when BARRY - fat, sweaty and grinning

enters holding a Starbucks coffee.

STAN (V/O)

Not Barry. Barry needs a wash.

Barry needs to diet. Barry needs to

brush his teeth. The doors close.

STAN (V/O)

So I wanted to hide from Sue and

instead I am smack in her grill -

practically kissing her. Brilliant.

SUE

Hi Stan.

STAN (V/O)

Oh God Sue don’t speak. I don’t

like you Sue. I have never liked

you Sue.

STAN

Hi Sue, keeping well?

SUE

Mustn’t complain, how is life down

on the seventh?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

STAN (V/O)

Sue it’s one floor difference. What

do you think we have down here - a

giant trampoline and gallons of

7UP?

(BEAT)

The only difference between floors

eight and seven is a number.

STAN

Yes not bad Sue...very busy at the

moment, you know how it is.

STAN (V/O)

I have no idea how it is.

SUE

This is for Emma.

SUE passes Stan an envelope with EMMA’s name on it.

STAN (V/O)

How does Sue know Emma? Maybe she

means Emma Bunton?

STAN

Thanks Sue.

SUE

Hope she likes it.

STAN (V/O)

Imagine if I was with Emma Bunton.

What am I talking about?

The lift stops at the second floor. A man enters the lift,

it is HOUSHAM. HOUSHAM looks annoying. He is small and

rotund; he wears irritatingly big glasses and a pin striped

suit. He has two badges on his lapels that read health and

safety officer and fire monitor.

STAN (V/O)

Oh god please, anyone but Housham.

HOUSHAM doesn’t notice STAN. BARRY slurps his coffee very

loudly.

SUE reacts by tutting.

STAN (V/O)

Sue’s raging. Absolutely raging.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 11.

SUE

Yeah I am really busy too...what do

you make of the restructure?

STAN (V/O)

I didn’t even ask you a question

Sue! I don’t care about the

restructure - the sooner I am out

of this company the better.

STAN

It’s shocking isn’t it? So many

innocent people, all those families

affected. All because of those fat

cat bankers.

STAN (V/O)

I love those bankers, I wish I was

one.

SUE

So true Stan, so true.

HOUSHAM

Good morning Stanley, I didn’t see

you hiding there.

STAN (V/O)

It’s Stan.

STAN

Morning.

HOUSHAM

Some rare wise words from you.

STAN (V/O)

Fuck off Housham.

STAN

It’s something I am very passionate

about.

BARRY’s slurping is getting louder and louder.

STAN (V/O)

Barry no. No Barry, no. Sue, keep

it together. Housham is going to

pipe up here.

(BEAT)

Pam is desperately trying to stay

away from any eye contact. Pam -

the model lift customer.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 12.

DING

BARRY and the man in the suit exit on the third floor. SIMON

also begins to move his bike out forcing PAM, SUE and STAN

to temporarily leave the lift to allow SIMON to exit. They

re-enter the lift along with another man who has a guide

stick and immediately people move to give him space.

STAN moves ever so slightly and is now on the right side

with HOUSHAM behind him. SUE and PAM have moved over to the

left. HOUSHAM can’t see the blind man as he is looking at

his blackberry.

BLIND MAN

Can you press four please?

A very loud audible ’sigh’ from Housham is heard.

STAN (V/O)

I appreciate there are few perks

involved with being disabled - car

parking space aside, but one

massive plus must be that he

doesn’t have to justify not walking

the one floor.

BLIND MAN

Who just sighed?

Lift remains quiet but PAM and SUE stare at STAN. HOUSHAM

looks up from his phone and sees the blind man. He

immediately recoils and begins to squirm.

STAN (V/O)

What have I done? I didn’t sigh,

that was clearly Housham.

BLIND MAN

Let me guess, you sighed because I

am going up one floor. Well I am

sorry I am blind, how inconvenient

of me.

STAN (V/O)

Brutal!

SUE

Stan you should really apologise.

STAN (V/O)

Apologise? What have I done?

STAN looks at HOUSHAM who has a weird grin on his face.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 13.

STAN

Sorry Sue what was I meant to have

done exactly?

BLIND MAN

So you’re not even apologising?

HOUSHAM

This is pretty pathetic Stanley.

’DING’

BLIND MAN

Are you sure I am ok to leave or

would you be happier if I rode the

lift all day?

STAN (V/O)

What the heck is happening?

STAN

I didn’t do anything!

BLIND MAN exits.

SUE

That was pretty disgusting Stan.

You could have at least apologised

to the poor man.

STAN

(frustrated)

How do you know he was even blind?

STAN (V/O)

Ah Stan that’s not smart.

RASTAFARIAN MAN

What did you just say?

HOUSHAM stares at STAN

STAN (V/O)

Breathe.

STAN

It wasn’t me who sighed. I’m sorry

but it honestly wasn’t.

SUE

And to make it worse you think he’d

make up the fact he was blind? What

sort of animal do you think he is?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 14.

PAM

I am surprised at you Stan.

STAN (V/O)

Oh come on! Not Pam as well

STAN

(stuttering)

It wasn’t me who sighed. It was...

’DING’

Lift doors open. STAN and HOUSHAM are forced to make their

exit.

SUE

(tilting her head)

Goodbye Stan.

STAN

But Sue, Sue. The lift doors close.

INT. FLOOR FIVE FOYER - MORNING

STAN and HOUSHAM move their way to the door.

HOUSHAM

Got something against blind people

Stanley?

STAN

I liked your ex wife.

HOUSHAM

She wasn’t blind?

STAN (V/O)

She’d have to be to have married

you.

STAN

You’re right. Sorry thinking of

someone else.

HOUSHAM taps his pass on the electronic card reader and

walks through the door. STAN proceeds to walk through the

open door. HOUSHAM stops him. STAN looks at HOUSHAM

inquisitively. HOUSHAM nods towards the electronic card

reader on the wall.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 15.

STAN

But you know who I am. I work four

feet away from you. Do I really

need to tap in?

HOUSHAM

I don’t make the rules Stanley.

HOUSHAM closes the door with a grin on his face.

STAN is forced to get his pass out of his bag and to then

tap it on the pass reader to let himself in.

STAN (V/O)

As much as I want the new job, and

as much as I want to sort things

out with Emma, I now only have one

ambition for today. I have to steal

that man’s pass.

STAN walks through the office, beginning to unzip his coat.

STAN marches his way past desks, looking down at the floor

awkwardly so as not to make eye contact with his colleagues.

He is having difficulty with his coat as the zip has got

stuck. STAN stops to help free the zip but is unable to do

so.

STAN arrives at his desk, steps out of his coat and plops

himself down at his chair.

STAN sits next to PAUL who has just sat down.

PAUL is only slightly younger than STAN but has a youthful,

laddish charm. PAUL is trim, clean shaven and sporting short

brown well kept hair. PAUL has a photo of himself hugging

John Terry. He has a very messy desk.

On STAN’S desk we see a photo of his girlfriend EMMA.

STAN

You have one thing, and one thing

only to achieve today.

PAUL

Pass?

STAN

You read my mind!

PAUL

PAUL brandishes HOUSHAM’s pass

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 16.

PAUL (cont’d)

Way ahead of you!

STAN

You beautiful man! How on earth did

you get it? He was with me two

minutes ago!

PAUL

I’d just finished shitting out last

night’s curry.

STAN

Nice.

PAUL

And in came your majesty. I was

washing my hands.

STAN

I’m amazed. Was always convinced

you were a non washer. That’s why I

never shake your hand.

PAUL

If I do a curry poo then I do a

quick rinse, but for a wee I don’t

bother.

STAN nods along approvingly.

Anyway I was washing these magic

fingers when Fireman Sam came in to

brush his teeth.

STAN

Brush his teeth?

PAUL

I know! No amount of brushing will

get rid of halitosis.

STAN laughs.

Anyway, as he’s bent down to get

his toothpaste out.

STAN

Colegate?

PAUL

Standard.

(BEAT)

I’ve nabbed his pass that was on

the side.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 17.

STAN

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say

it again. You sir, are a beautiful

man.

PAUL

No matter what happens today, I now

feel like I’ve achieved something.

STAN

You’re bloody right. You want to

stick this little episode on your

end of year appraisal.

PAUL

You got that interview later?

WEST enters. She goes and sits at the Managers desk. WEST is

in her mid-thirties, has frizzy ginger hair and her face is

covered in freckles. WEST is wearing librarian like clothes.

STAN

Yep. Just need to work out how I am

going to get it past Hawkeye and

West.

STAN nods in WEST’s direction and smiles.

PAUL

Hawkeye and West, sounds like a

poor ITV show.

STAN

To be fair West isn’t the problem.

It’s Housham that I’m worried

about.

PAUL

Yeah West is sound. To get past

Housham I think you’ve got to kill

off your Nan.

STAN

What again? Can’t mate already done

that, she died when me, you and

Matt went to Amsterdam remember?

PAUL

Other Nan?

STAN

Did that last week for the other

interview.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 18.

PAUL

Time to up the stakes. Just found

out your mum’s got cancer?

STAN

Bit dark though isn’t it? Just to

get out of an afternoon at work my

mum has got to have cancer.

PAUL

It doesn’t have to be terminal.

Good film that by the way.

STAN

Is that Hanks in the Airport?

PAUL

Yep.

STAN

Zeta Jones at her best.

PAUL

It’s no Entrapment.

PAUL then does an impression of Sean Connery

My name is Mac MacDougal, and I am

an international art thief.

STAN laughs.

STAN

Such a woeful film.

PAUL

Loved the ending. It literally made

no sense!

STAN

Mate, I still need this excuse!

Housham is begging West to fire me

as it is! And I need this new job!

PAUL

How come? Other than that tool I

thought you were ok here?

STAN

I just can’t stand him and I want

to get a place with Emma but have

no money but I can’t afford to have

no job!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 19.

PAUL

If you get a job then make sure you

get me in straight after. Imagine

if it was just me with Housham -

so, so bleak.

STAN

I will if you give me a good

excuse.

PAUL

Just go old school. Just say you

don’t feel well. Keep running to

the bog and fake throwing up. I

reckon it’d need to be nine trips

before West sends you home. Maybe

ten, depending on her mood.

STAN

Lovely shout.

PAUL

Before I forget, can you say to

Emma sorry it’s so late but I

forgot!

PAUL hands STAN a very poorly constructed card with Emma’s

name on it.

STAN

Sue gave me an envelope with Emma’s

name on it this morning as well.

You three laundering money or

something?

PAUL

No it’s for her birthday mate.

Money’s tight so I had to make it.

STAN

FUCK! FUCK!

PAUL

Don’t worry, it’s not that bad. I

got a B in Art.

STAN is incredibly agitated.

PAUL

What’s wrong?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 20.

STAN

I’ve forgotten her birthday!

PAUL looks shocked.

STAN

This is bad isn’t it?

PAUL

Bad? Bad? It’s bloody awful mate!

Especially after last year’s

debacle!

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK

INT. LOUNGE - DAY - SOFA

EMMA is cautiously unwrapping a present on the sofa, STAN

like an excited school boy beside her.

STAN

Now I know you’ll like this one!

I’ve done my research! On Amazon it

says that if you’re going to buy

only one forty inch Paul Ross

canvas print, this is the one to

buy!

EMMA’S face turns to stone as she opens the present to see a

Paul Ross canvas staring back at her.

END FLASHBACK

CUT TO:

INT.OFFICE - DAY

STAN

What the hell am I going to do? No

way can I let her go.

PAUL

There’s no precedent. I don’t know

anyone, anyone, who has forgotten a

girlfriend’s birthday. A big one at

that - she’s thirty man!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 21.

STAN

Thirty? Oh Christ. Well that’s it.

Time to throw in the towel. Raise

the white flag. The fat lady has

sung.

PAUL

Speak to Matt and Hursty. They may

be able to suggest something? Matt

probably knows her better than you

after all!

STAN

True. I’ll arrange a drink and go

from there. I’m stuffed though

aren’t I?

PAUL

Oh yeh definitely.

STAN

Should I send her some flowers?

PAUL

YES! An entire florists worth.

STAN

I genuinely thought she was just in

a mood with me for no apparent

reason. Classic me.

PAUL

I won’t lie mate this is bad.

STAN

I absolutely have to sort this. The

whole point of this new job is to

get a place with her!

STAN puts his head in hands.

PAUL

At least you’ll have your own games

room.

STAN looks unimpressed

You’re right. Too soon. Let me know if I can help.

STAN

Thanks mate, let me email the boys,

but first I’d better ring Em.

STAN phones EMMA. It goes to voicemail.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 22.

STAN

I know why you are annoyed at me.

Em, I am so unbelievably sorry. I

will make this up to you. I

promise. For a start, can you meet

me at Pizza Express tonight at Six

and we can talk? I am so sorry.

STAN then turns his attention to his Outlook account and

begins writing an email to EMMA

STAN hesitating. Scratching the back of his head, uneasily

grimacing.

"Baby, I love you. I’m sorry. XX"

Stan then adds another X, before taking it away, and then

adding it again.

STAN receives an email from PAUL. It reads: "Remember

toilet"

STAN sprints past WEST and HOUSHAM to the toilet to feign

sickness.

FADE TO BLACK:

FADE IN:

INT. OFFICE - DAY

STAN sitting at his desk. HOUSHAM and WEST over shoulder.

JOHN enters. JOHN looks frail and vulnerable. JOHN is

sporting a black armband on his coat.

STAN (V/O)

How can I make it up to her? Thirty

as well... STAN looks up at JOHN

and immediately back towards his

screen, pupils darting from side to

side.

STAN (V/O)

Oh brilliant. Now John’s arrived.

Here comes five minutes of my life

that I’m never getting back.

STAN

Morning John, Good night last

night?

STAN continues staring at his screen. STAN is emailing EMMA.

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 23.

STAN (cont’d)

"Hi Em, I love you. I hope you know

that?"

FREEZE FRAME ON JOHN’S FACE. JOHN LOOKS UPSET.

STAN (V/O)

Why do I do this? Every single

morning I ask this question to

John. And every single morning John

will respond ’Yes it was good

thanks, and you?’ to which I reply

’yes I had a lovely evening’. I

gain nothing from these

conversations.

UNFREEZE FRAME

STAN types two kisses on the end of his email to EMMA.

Pauses, then adds one more.

REWIND SCENE TO JOHN WALKING IN.

STAN

Morning John, Good night last

night?

STAN deletes the third kiss on his email and is now left

with two.

STAN (V/O)

Yes it was good thanks

JOHN

(sobbing)

No, not really, my dog died. STAN

looks up at PAUL in bewilderment

who walks off smirking.

STAN (V/O)

What? What did he say? What do I

say?

STAN

Ah I am so sorry John. Had you had

him a long time?

STAN (V/O)

I don’t care if John has had this

dog decades but I had to ask

something.

CUT TO:

24.

FLASHBACK

INT. OFFICE - DAY

JOHN showing STAN photos of his memories, dog wearing a

birthday hat, the two of them at dinner and visiting famous

landmarks including the Eiffel Tower, The Sydney Opera House

and the Hollywood hills.

END FLASHBACK

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE - DESK - MORNING

JOHN

About fourteen years. He was such a

special dog.

STAN awkwardly stands and approaches JOHN

STAN

Sorry John, I really don’t know

what to say.

JOHN moves in towards STAN. STAN is taken aback and thinks

he is going for a handshake. He offers his hand but JOHN is

approaching fast. STAN’S outstretched hand gets squashed

against JOHN’S crutch and the two engage in an awkward hug.

(LONG PAUSE)

JOHN now satisfied, drying his tears, and leaves for the

toilet.

PAUL walks back to his desk.

PAUL

Blimey mate, were you just wanking

off John?

HOUSHAM looks up with a disapproving shake of the head.

STAN (V/O)

Great, John now thinks of me as a

truly close friend.

PAUL chuckles.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 25.

PAUL

Once you’re done being Rolf. You

need to up the toilet frequency...

STAN nods and then sprints past WEST to the toilet again.

PAUL looks at HOUSHAM.

PAUL

I’d avoid trap two if I was you.

PAUL walks off smirking. HOUSHAM looks angry.

FADE TO BLACK:

FADE IN:

INT. OFFICE - DAY

STAN walking back from the toilet. PAUL, HOUSHAM and WEST

are all sitting at their desks.

WEST

Stan, you seem incredibly poorly.

I’ve noticed you’ve gone to the

toilet way in excess of ten times.

I think you should go home and

rest.

STAN (V/O)

The seventeenth sprint has done it.

STAN

Is that ok? Thank you. I have been

sick all morning but have tried to

soldier on.

STAN (V/O)

Such a trooper.

WEST

Yes you go home and look after

yourself. I can pick up your work,

not a problem.

STAN gives a knowing nod to PAUL and clears up his stuff.

HOUSHAM does not look impressed. As STAN leaves the office

he hears HOUSHAM shout.

HOUSHAM

Has anyone seen my pass?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 26.

STAN

You should always ensure that it is

around your neck. It is company

policy to always have it on show.

WEST

(with a wry smile on her face)

Yes, Stan’s right.

STAN exits.

FADE TO BLACK:

FADE IN:

INT. PUB - LUNCH TIME

HURSTY and MATT are sitting down in a booth.

HURSTY is STAN’s friend. He is attractive, athletic looking

with longish blonde hair. He looks like a surfer.

MATT is STAN’s friend. He is gawky looking, and has awkward

mannerisms. He is very tall and wears glasses.

STAN enters

HURSTY

Here he is.

STAN tries to take his coat off but struggles with the zip,

he ends up having to step out of the coat.

MATT

I’ve just given Hursty a load of

stick about his coat, if you can

call it that, and then you walk in

and do this.

STAN

In my defence, at least my coat’s

not covered in sequins.

HURSTY

Seems like it needs to come with a

manual though mate.

MATT

At least he’s not wearing this.

MATT picks up a horrible waistcoat, it belongs to HURSTY.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 27.

STAN

My word, I forgot how bad that was.

MATT

Hursty has pictures of Joseph on

his wall.

HURSTY

Joseph?

MATT

And his technicoloured dream coat.

STAN

Nice gag that.

MATT

Yeh I was quite pleased.

HURSTY

Nothing wrong with this coat.

STAN

You’re right. Remind me, how is

Judas?

MATT

Nice.

HURSTY

Remind me, how is Emma?

STAN

(sarcastically)

Very good.

MATT

She upset mate?

STAN

Course she’s upset.

MATT

You’re a bloody twat, you know

that?

STAN

Thanks for the pep talk mate.

HURSTY

Yeah come on Matt, let’s be fair.

It is Stan after all; he’s only

been with her eighteen months!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 28.

STAN

Matt you know her best, what do I

do? What’s damage control here?

HURSTY

Always thought Damage were a good

little band.

MATT

What? They’re a terrible band.

HURSTY

Nah, won’t have that from you. Do a

cracking cover of Wonderful

Tonight.

STAN

Need to focus lads. Come on Matt,

what do I do?

HURSTY

Why you asking Matt?

STAN

Because he’s known her since he was

about eleven.

HURSTY

But you’ve slipped it in her.

STAN

Slipped it in her? Morse’s one

unsolved case is how you got a

woman.

HURSTY

It’s cos I remember my lady’s

birthday.

MATT

(abruptly)

Stan I think it’s game over.

HURSTY

(surprised)

Game over? Behave yourself. It’s

only a fucking birthday.

MATT

Her thirtieth.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 29.

STAN

You really think it’s game over?

MATT

It’s such a massive error, I don’t

see how you can repair this?

HURSTY

Who are you his mum? They’re saving

for a place together! She’s not

going to break up with him just

because of a forgotten birthday!

STAN

Has she said something to you? I

know you’re always texting.

MATT

(reacts)

No we’re not. Why do you think we

text all the time?

HURSTY

Surprised you even know how to

text.

STAN

She’s always telling me you two

text each other.

(LONG PAUSE )

HURSTY sensing the awkward moment points to his empty pint

glass.

HURSTY

Any danger Stan?

STAN

Yeh in a minute.

MATT

(nervously)

Ok what about this? Take her for

dinner tonight; get down on your

knees...

HURSTY

Not sure a proposal is the right

plan.

MATT

Idiot. Get down on your knees and

beg for forgiveness. Say it isn’t

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 30.

MATT (cont’d)

as bad as she thinks as you’d

actually planned a surprise

birthday party for her this weekend

but that you thought, stupidly, her

birthday was tomorrow.

STAN

That’s not bad you know.

HURSTY

It’s inspired. It’s absolute Gold.

What a tune that is by the way.

MATT

What tune?

STAN

Why encourage him?

HURSTY

Gold. Big Tony and Steve Owen.

STAN

Steve Owen?

MATT

He means Steve Kemp.

STAN

Drifting off topic again boys.

HURSTY

You know what you need to do. Ring

her now, go get her a shit hot

present - nothing Star Trek based,

take her for a meal tonight. And

just explain everything and then

organise a ridiculous party

Saturday. Claire and I can help.

STAN

Keep Claire out of this, it’s her

best mate and you just know she’ll

grass me up.

HURSTY

You calling my fiancé a grass?

STAN

Yes.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 31.

HURSTY

Fair play.

MATT

I’ll help as well mate. Just let me

know what I can do.

STAN

Ok this sounds like a plan. I’ll

book the Estuary for the party.

Matt you’re arty, jump on Facebook

and make a collage of Emma and me.

Hursty can you invite everyone.

Second thoughts get Claire

involved. Get her to invite all of

Em’s mates.

HURSTY

A collage! You been on word of the

day again?

STAN smiles.

MATT

So I have to find cute pictures of

you two?

HURSTY

You’re the one with the degree in

Art man.

MATT

I know but.

(BEAT)

Oh fuck it, alright I’ll do it.

HURSTY

And yes I’ll get Claire involved

and swear her to secrecy.

STAN

I need to go in a minute, I’ve got

an interview and I’ve got to get Em

a present.

MATT

What for?

STAN

Her birthday mate, we’ve literally

spent ten minutes talking about it!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 32.

MATT

No you twat, what’s the interview

for?

HURSTY

Event’s organiser?

STAN

Idiot. Just IT mate.

MATT

Sounds bloody exciting that mate.

Text us to let us know how you get

on with Emma.

HURSTY

Just text Emma yourself mate!

MATT

(awkwardly)

How many more times! We barely

text!

STAN gets up to leave.

STAN

Cheers chaps. I’ll let you know how

I get on.

STAN EXITS.

MATT

I didn’t realise they were trying

to save for a place.

HURSTY

Yeh that’s why he’s been on the

lookout for a new job.

MATT

What’s a new job going to do?

HURSTY

You are so slow. What do you think

he’s getting a job for? More money

for a deposit you idiot! Fill us

up.

MATT gets up to go and get some more drinks.

CUT TO:

33.

EXT. OUTSIDE PUB - AFTERNOON

STAN rings EMMA, it goes to voicemail:

STAN

Hey Em’s, I’m so sorry. Hope you’ve

got the flowers? Can I take you for

dinner tonight at Pizza Express at

six. I can explain all then. Please

FADE TO BLACK:

FADE IN:

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - AFTERNOON

STAN is seen sprinting into a swanky, modern building. STAN

is holding a Primark bag and a Clinton’s Cards bag with a

balloon poking out. STAN is on his phone as he runs. STAN is

out of breath.

STAN

So that is definitely booked for 7

on Saturday?

( BEAT)

Great, thanks. Yes I’ll be

supplying all the balloons and

decorations.

STAN gets a voicemail from EMMA

Got your voicemail. Ok. You better

have a good excuse. It will take

more than just flowers even though

they were nice! I’ll see you later.

STAN enters the building and looks around panicked. He goes

towards the reception desk but there’s a big queue. Stan

looks around some more and sees a sign for ’Interviews’.

Stan runs up the stairs towards the interview room. He sees

a big plant in a pot and decides to stash his balloon, and

bags in the pot.

STAN (V/O)

You can do this.

STAN enters the Interview Room.

A rugged looking man sits behind a desk. As Stan walks in

the man gets up from behind the desk.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 34.

INTERVIEWER

Are you here for the interview?

STAN

Yes! So sorry I’m late. Not the

best start!

INTERVIEWER

That’s fine. Don’t worry. I have

your CV here. Are we ok to begin?

STAN

Yes, that’s fine.

INTERVIEWER

I must say, you have a very

impressive CV, I can see you’ve got

lots of experience.

STAN (V/O)

Bye bye Housham!

STAN

Thanks!

INTERVIEWER

So what attracted you to this job

and what makes you think you’d be

good at it?

STAN (V/O)

I wouldn’t be.

STAN

I guess that I feel my experience

in IT, and computer systems, would

be very beneficial to the company.

I am a real team player and

consistently coming up with good

ideas as to how to streamline

processes and IT systems.

STAN (V/O)

Streamline. That was unbelievable.

INTERVIEWER

That’s excellent that you have such

detailed computing knowledge,

you’re right it would be very

beneficial.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 35.

STAN (V/O)

He loves me. Hello house deposit!

INTERVIEWER

You’ve told me that you’re a real

team player. Have you got any

examples?

STAN (V/O)

Just lie.

STAN

Yes, sure.

STAN panicking a little

(BEAT)

Probably the best example I have of

that is the foundation my work

colleagues and I created.

STAN (V/O)

What have you just done?

INTERVIEWER

Foundation? That sounds

fascinating. Please go on...

STAN (V/O)

Oh dear God. Foundation? What the

hell have you just said?

STAN begins to sweat and panic. He looks around the room for

inspiration where he sees a headline on a newspaper over the

desk that reads "Seal washed up on the Thames."

STAN

So the foundation takes in wild

seals that have been injured by oil

tanker spillages.

INTERVIEWER

Wild seals?

STAN

Yes. We are a team of 4 who rely on

donations from Joe Public to help

us keep the foundation going.

STAN (V/O)

Joe Public? Unreal!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 36.

STAN

So to get back to the original

question - we have to work closely

together to first raise funds,

second, take the injured seals to

our shelter and third, work with

other organisations to help them

get back into the wild.

STAN (V/O)

That was, without doubt, the single

greatest thing you’ve ever done.

Take a bow.

INTERVIEWER

Fascinating. Moving on, how do you

think your experience makes you the

right fit for this role?

STAN

Well I’ve got broad experience of

Flash, HTML and designing web

pages...

INTERVIEWER

Sorry, I should’ve been clearer.

Experience that is specific to this

role. Go ahead.

STAN (V/O)

Shit. Don’t be too technical. Keep

it broad.

STAN

I guess over the years I’ve built

up some wide skills -the ability to

analyse different products and

their strengths and weaknesses.

Speaking more technically I am also

very strong with Flash.

INTERVIEWER

Ah that is interesting. So Dettol

vs Flash for example, what would

you say is the stronger product?

STAN (V/O)

Dettol vs Flash? Shit! What’s

Dettol programming?

(LONG PAUSE )

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 37.

STAN

I’d probably say Flash. On balance

I think it is easier to use, more

widely known - so it is very

dependable, and just generally more

resilient.

STAN (V/O)

I am the man.

INTERVIEWER

I’m inclined to agree that Flash is

the superior product. If you got

the job here, how do you imagine

you’ll progress? Does management

interest you for example?

STAN (V/O)

If I got the job? He’s still on the

fence. Massive answer required

here.

STAN

I am very ambitious by nature.

STAN V/O

Liar.

STAN

So management is something that

definitely appeals. Whilst I

certainly feel I could manage a big

team, I would hope that the process

and systems improvements that I

would’ve introduced would mean that

there would no longer be the need

for such a big team.

STAN (V/O)

What an incredible performance this

is.

INTERVIEWER

Very interesting. It’s not

immediately clear to me how you

could do this job without an army

of people, but I’m very intrigued

by your ideas. Excellent. So I can

see from your CV that you speak

fluent German. Obviously a key part

of this job is how you interact

with people. We have a couple of

Germans on our staff.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 38.

STAN (V/O)

German?

INTERVIEWER

Eine große Anzahl von Ihren

Aufgaben wird es sein, ein Team im

Ausland zu verwalten. Bist du in

Ordnung mit diesem?

STAN (V/O)

What’s happening?

STAN

Sorry could you just repeat that

please?

INTERVIEWER

Sure. Eine große Anzahl von Ihren

Aufgaben wird es sein, ein Team im

Ausland zu verwalten. Bist du in

Ordnung mit diesem?

STAN (V/O)

This is bad. This is so bad. Come

on man. Dig out your GCSE Oral.

You’ve got this.

STAN

Ich wassesportmoglichkeiten ins

London ja.

STAN (V/O)

Well done Stan. Well done.

(LONG PAUSE )

INTERVIEWER

You’ve just told me there are

watersports opportunities in

London.

STAN

Yes, yes I did.

(BEAT)

I thought I’d show off some of my

German vocabularly. I believe

wassesportmoglichkeiten is the

longest word in the German

dictionary.

STAN (V/O)

Bullet dodged.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 39.

INTERVIEWER

(bemused)

Ok.

(BEAT)

Moving on, have you got your own

mop?

STAN (V/O)

Have I got my own mop?

STAN

Sorry?

INTERVIEWER

Obviously we provide you with the

relevant cleaning materials but we

know some cleaners prefer to work

with their own mops.

STAN

Cleaners?

INTERVIEWER

Something wrong?

STAN

Sorry you said have I got my own

mop?

INTERVIEWER

Yes. Sorry is everything ok?

STAN

Yes sorry, I am just wondering why

a Flash developer would need a mop?

INTERVIEWER

This is the cleaning job. Not the

flash developer role. You are Tomaz

Breme aren’t you?

STAN

No. I’m Stan Bennett.

INTERVIEWER

Oh dear. I think you’re at the

wrong interview.

STAN

Well where’s my interview?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 40.

INTERVIEWER

The IT job interviews are up on

Floor two.

BUIDLING ALARM

MAN ON TANNOY

There has been a suspicious package

found on the First floor. Please

calmly and sensibly evacuate the

building.

STAN (V/O)

Oh come on.

INTERVIEWER quickly ushers Stan out of the room.

STAN

What about the Flash job?

INTERVIEWER

Come on we need to get going.

STAN and the INTERVIEWER pass a team of bomb disposal

experts adjacent to the pot plant. STAN goes to tell them

that the packages are his but is pulled away from the area

by THE INTERVIEWER.

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE - SKYSCRAPER - LATE AFTERNOON

STAN rings EMMA:

STAN

Hey Em’s, interview was a disaster.

It was going so well but I messed

it up. I’m so sorry, I really

tried. I’m just leaving now so will

see you at 6 at Pizza Express. I’ve

just got to grab something but will

be there by 6 I promise. Looking

forward to seeing you, and making

it up to you.

CUT TO:

41.

EXT. TRAIN PLATFORM - EARLY EVENING.

STAN has another Primark bag in his hands and has an even

bigger balloon. Train arrives, Stan tries to find a two

seater.

STAN (V/O)

Come on two seater. STAN spots a

two seater and with a sigh of

relief sits down.

CUT TO:

INT. TRAIN - EARLY EVENING.

STAN is holding the paper in full view, we cannot see past

it.

HOUSHAM

Hi Stanley, do you mind if I join

you? STAN folds his paper in the

air, revealing HOUSHAM.

STAN (V/O)

Shit!

HOUSHAM

(looks towards the balloon

with a raised eyebrow)

Feeling better I presume?

STAN (V/O)

I hate Housham so much. He’s that

guy who always asks questions when

someone says ’Any Questions’.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK

INT. OFFICE MEETING ROOM - DAY

HOUSHAM is sitting with his arms raised desperate to be

asked.

STAN (V/O)

He’s a fire monitor...

CUT TO:

42.

DREAM SEQUENCE

INT. OFFICE - DAY

HOUSHAM dressed in full fire outfit, socks pulled up.

STAN (V/O)

He thrives on people’s misery.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK

INT. OFFICE - DAY

JOHN is pleading on his knees with tears rolling down his

cheeks. He is gesturing photos of his dog towards HOUSHAM

who is laughing.

STAN (V/O)

He enjoys one to ones and

performance appraisals. He suggests

crap ideas.

CUT TO:

DREAM SEQUENCE

INT. OFFICE MEETING ROOM - DAY

HOUSHAM holds up an A3 piece of paper which says ’Let’s

promote this man’. There is a giant image of HOUSHAM on the

paper.

STAN (V/O)

He scoffs at good ideas made by

others. He has never been abroad,

and he’s a fire monitor.

CUT TO:

DREAM SEQUENCE

43.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

HOUSHAM dressed in less fire monitor outfit than before.

STAN (V/O)

He has a personalised screensaver.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK

INT. - OFFICE DESK - DAY

HOUSHAM is sitting at his computer, with a screensaver of

HOUSHAM as a Jedi carrying a blue lightsabre.

STAN (V/O)

He loves documentation. He loves

the word documentation. He likes

Kenny Rogers love songs. He doesn’t

like Jay Zed. He hasn’t heard of

Jay Zed.

STAN mispronounces Jay Z and calls him Jay Zed.

CUT TO:

DREAM SEQUENCE

INT. HOUSHAM’S BED - DAY

HOUSHAM and the back of a woman are sleeping listening to a

Jay Z song. HOUSHAM has big headphones on and is moving and

grooving in bed.

STAN (V/O)

He is a one company man, he likes

secret Santa. He is offensive to

women.

CUT TO:

DREAM SEQUENCE

44.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

HOUSHAM is staring WEST up and down as she is bent over

refilling the paper tray. He is slowly removing tissues from

his pocket, eyes fixed.

STAN (V/O)

He doesn’t have a lunch break, he

has cleaning wipes for his desk. He

carries his holiday over. He is a

fire monitor.

CUT TO:

DREAM SEQUENCE

INT. OFFICE - DAY

HOUSHAM is completely naked other than a fire helmet

covering his genitals.

END DREAM SEQUENCE.

CUT TO:

INT. TRAIN - EVENING

HOUSHAM

Er..Stanley?

STAN

Oh Yeah, no I’m still not feeling

well.

STAN (V/O)

I need to get off of this train.

HOUSHAM

If you left at midday to go home,

why are you on the evening train

home? And why have you got a

balloon?

STAN looks around, panicked.

STAN

(gets up)

Sorry I’ve got to go.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 45.

STAN quickly shoots up and brushes past HOUSHAM and gets off

the train just as it is about to depart.

STAN (V/O)

Shit, shit.

STAN takes out his phone and dials EMMA.

STAN

Pick up, pick up.

It goes to Voicemail.

Em, it’s me. I am going to be about

thirty minutes late. Please, please

wait for me. Please.

CUT TO:

INT. PIZZA EXPRESS - EVENING

EMMA is sitting alone, looking sad and embarrassed, as she

looks around the busy restaurant.

WAITER

Would you like anything whilst you

wait?

EMMA

No I am ok thanks. What time is it?

WAITER

Six Thirty dear.

EMMA

(disappointed)

Ok, thanks.

BING BING

EMMA get a text message.

EMMA opens the text, it is from MATT.

MATT Text message:

"Did Stan make it up to you? I

really need to talk to you. When

you’re free can we grab a coffee?

xxx"

BING BING

STAN’s voicemail comes through.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 46.

EMMA listens to it, starts to cry.

CUT TO:

EXT - STREET - EVENING

STAN running.

CUT TO:

INT. PIZZA EXPRESS - EVENING

STAN out of breath, talking to the WAITER.

STAN

Hi, I’ve booked a table. Under the

name of Bennett. Table for two.

WAITER

I am afraid the lady has left.

STAN drops to the floor in pain and starts shouting.

STAN

Cramp. Cramp.

STAN starts screaming in pain prompting the people at the

restaurant to look round at the commotion.

WAITER

Quick get this man a chair.

Another waiter passes THE WAITER a chair. THE WAITER hoists

STAN onto the chair but STAN is still writhing in pain. THE

WAITER, concerned at all the noise, lifts STAN through the

restaurant. Whilst STAN is on the chair STAN passes someone

in the restaurant who turns out to be THE INTERVIEWER.

THE INTERVIEWER

Not your day is it son?

THE WAITER carries STAN through the restaurant and places

him out back in the kitchen. STAN gets out his phone and on

to his Rules of Life Twitter account and types

SUPERIMPOSE: WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T FORGET YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S

BIRTHDAY.

FADE OUT.

47.

THE END.