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Quote of the Month

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw

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Welcome to the Fam!

State of the Office & Market

Kudos!

Motivational Moment

Crucial Conversations Are

Interactions that happen to everyone. They’re the day to day conversations that affect your life.

Crucial Conversations Are Ones In Which

• Opinions vary• Stakes are high• Emotions run strong

What Makes Each Conversation Crucial

And not just challenging, frustrating, or annoying, is that the results could have a huge impact on the quality of your life.

Despite the Importance

Of crucial conversations, we often back away from them because we fear we’ll make matters worse. We’ve become masters at avoiding tough conversations.

Co-Workers

Send emails to each other when they should walk down the hall and talk to one another.

Bosses

Leave voice mail in lieu of meeting with their direct reports.

Family Members

Change the subject when an issue gets too risky.

Three Possible Ways to Handle Crucial Conversations

1. We can avoid them.

2. We can face them and handle them poorly.

3. We can face them and handle them well.

For Many of Us

When conversations move from casual to crucial, we are generally on our worst behavior. Why is that?

We Are Designed Wrong

When conversations turn from routine to crucial, we’re often in trouble. That’s because emotions don’t exactly prepare us to converse effectively.

As A Result

You end up facing challenging conversations with the same intellectual equipment available to a rhesus monkey. Your body is preparing to deal with an attacking saber-toothed tiger, not your boss, neighbor, or loved ones.

Pressure

Crucial conversations are frequently spontaneous. More often than not, they come out of nowhere. And since you’re caught by surprise, you’re forced to conduct an extraordinary complex human interaction in real time – no books, no coaches, and no therapists.

All You Have

Is the issue at hand, the other person, and a brain that’s drunk on adrenaline and almost incapable of rational thought.

It’s No Surprise

That we often say and do things that make perfect sense in the moment, but later on seem, well, stupid.

We Act in Self-Defeating Ways

In our doped up, dumbed down state, the strategies we choose for dealing with our crucial conversations are perfectly designed to keep us from what we actually want. We’re our own worst enemies. And we don’t even realize it.

Here are Some Typical Crucial Conversations

• Ending a relationship• Talking to a co-worker who behaves

offensively• Asking a friend to repay a loan• Giving the boss feedback about her

behavior• Critiquing a colleague’s work

Here are Some Typical Crucial Conversations

• Resolving custody or visitation issues• Dealing with a rebellious teen• Asking in-laws to quit interfering• Talking to a co-worker about personal

hygiene problems

By The Way…

In real estate, isn’t almost every conversation a crucial one? • Offers• Negotiating• Pricing a listing• Getting a buyer contract signed• Overcoming objections

The Effects

Of conversations gone bad can be both devastating and far reaching. Strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities all draw from the same source of power – the ability to talk openly about high stakes, emotional, controversial topics.

The Key Skill

Of effective leaders, teammates, parents, and loved ones is the capacity to skillfully address emotionally and politically risky issues.

As it Turns Out

You don’t have to choose between being honest and being effective. You don’t have to choose between candor and your career.

People Who

Routinely hold crucial conversations and hold them well are able to express controversial and even risky opinions in a way that gets heard.

The People Around Them

Listen without becoming defensive or angry.

Improve Your Relationships

When you ask the average person what causes people to break up, he or she usually suggests that it’s due to differences of opinion.

People Have

Different theories about how to manage their finances, spice up their love lives, or rear their children.

In Truth

Everyone argues about important issues. But not everyone splits up. It’s how you argue that matters.

Live Healthier!

The emotional pain we suffer, and the constant battering we endure as we stumble our way through unhealthy conversations slowly eats away at our health.

In Some Cases

The impact of failed conversations leads to minor problems. In others it results in disaster. In all cases, failed conversations never make us happier, healthier, or better off.

The Consequences

Of either avoiding or fouling up a crucial conversation can be severe.

When We Fail

A crucial conversation, every aspect of our lives can be affected – from our careers, to our communities, to our relationships, to our personal health.

The Mistake Most of Us Make

In our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend.

The Fool’s Choice

When we were young we learned that when Grandma served us a large wedge of Brussels Sprout Pie and then asked, “Do you like it?” – she really meant, “Do you like me?”

When We Answered Honestly

And saw the look of hurt and horror on her face, we made a decision that affected the rest of our lives: “From this day forward, I will be alert for moments when I must choose between candor and kindness.”

And From That Day Forward

We have found plenty of those same types of moments with bosses, colleagues, and loved ones. The consequences can be disastrous.

When It Comes

To risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open. That’s it.

At The Core

Of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information. People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories.

They Willingly

And capably share their views, even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular.

Dialogue

Is the free flow of meaning between two or more people.

Filling the Pool of Shared Meaning

Each of us enters conversations with our own opinions, feelings, theories, and experiences about the topic at hand. This is our personal pool of meaning.

When Two or More People

Enter crucial conversations, they don’t share the same pool. Their opinions differ.

Those Skilled in Dialogue

Make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to a shared pool – even ideas that at first appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their beliefs.

The Pool of Shared Meaning

Is the birthplace of synergy.

As People

Sit through an open discussion where ideas are shared, they take part in the free flow of meaning. Eventually they understand why the shared solution is the best solution.

The Time You Spend

Up front establishing a shared pool of meaning is more than paid for by faster, more unified, and more committed action later on.

Let’s Look At

How people who are skilled at dialogue stay focused on their goals – particularly when the going gets tough.

This Requires

• Work on me first, and us second• Focus on what you really want• Refuse the fool’s choice

Me First, Us Second

When tensions rise in crucial conversations it is not that our behavior simply degenerates, it’s that our motives do. We go from focusing on the end goal to focusing on winning or getting even.

As Much As

Others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape – with any degree of success, is the person in the mirror.

Focus On What You Really Want

When conversations become crucial, step back and look at yourself as an outsider. Ask yourself, “What am I doing, and if I had to guess, what does it tell me about my underlying motive?”

Stop & Ask Yourself

• What do I really want for myself?• What do I really want for others?• What do I really want for the relationship?

Refuse the Fool’s Choice

Watch to see if you’re telling yourself that you must choose between peace and honesty, between winning and losing, and so on. Break free of the fool’s choice by searching for the and.

Clarify What You Don’t Want

Add to it what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.

Learn to Look

When caught up in a crucial conversation, it’s difficult to see exactly what’s going on and why. When a discussion starts to become stressful, we often end up doing the opposite of what works.

Learn to Spot Crucial Conversations

• Physical Signals – stomach tightens, eyes get dry

• Emotions – scared, hurt, angry• Behavior – raised voice or becoming

extremely quiet

Spot Safety Problems

Those most skilled at dialogue keep an eye on safety. If you make it safe enough, people feel like they can talk about anything without fear that they will be attacked or humiliated.

People Rarely

Become defensive simply because of what you are saying. They only become defensive when they no longer feel safe. The problem is not the content of your message, but the condition of the conversation.

If You Can Learn

To see when people start to feel unsafe, you can take action to fix it. That means that the first challenge is to simply see and understand that safety is at risk.

By Pulling Yourself Out of the Argument

And looking for signs that safety is at risk, you reengage your brain and your full vision returns.

Step Out, Make it Safe, Step Back In

If you really want to have a healthy conversation, then you may have to set aside confronting the current issue, for a moment or two, to make it safe for the other side.

Mutual Purpose

To create safety you must create mutual purpose. Mutual purpose means that others perceive that you’re working toward a common outcome in the conversation, that you care about their goals, interests, and values.

And Vice Versa

You believe they care about yours.

Mutual Purpose

Is the entry condition of dialogue. Find a shared goal, and you have both a good reason and a healthy climate for talking.

Mutual Purpose

Is not a technique. To succeed in crucial conversations, we must really care about the interests of others – not just our own.

If Our Goal

Is to get our way or manipulate others, it will quickly become apparent, safety will be destroyed, and we’ll be back to silence or violence by the other party in no time.

Examine Your Motives

Ask yourself:• What do I want for me?• What do I want for others?• What do I want for the relationship?

You Can’t Stay

In a crucial conversation if you don’t maintain mutual purpose. Mutual respect is the continuance condition of dialogue. As people perceive that others don’t respect them, the conversation immediately becomes unsafe and dialogue comes to a screeching halt.

Final Thoughts

Your life is fundamentally a function of how you are handling dialogue with people around you.

If You Persist

And use the ideas we’ve shared, you will see dramatic improvements in your relationships and results. A little bit of change can lead to an enormous amount of progress.

Motivational Moment

30 Second Pitch

Sharpening Your Skillswww.RealEstateCareerMentor.com

Sharpening Your Skillswww.RealEstateCareerMentor.com

Sharpening Your Skillswww.RealEstateCareerMentor.com

Sharpening Your Skillswww.RealEstateCareerMentor.com

The Mortgage Minute

Technology Tip – Stickk.com

Technology Tip – Stickk.com

Technology Tip – Stickk.com

Technology Tip – Stickk.com

Technology Tip – Stickk.com

Technology Tip – Stickk.com

Technology Tip – Stickk.com

Technology Tip – Stickk.com

Technology Tip – Stickk.com

Technology Tip – Stickk.com

Technology Tip – Stickk.com

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