Satellite Eyes

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SATELLITE EYES: THE WAITING SPOT

PRE-PROLOGUE:

It was my second semester (I was a third year college student). It was since January 2015, the

foot month of the second semester (except its first day), when I had premeditatedly broken my

established tradition of riding the train when going to school (and sometimes except when going home).

I was attempting to discover other thriftier modes of transportation (jeepneys are the only ones I

inherently know) shortly after the implementation of the LRT fare price hike and for the sake of a much

more engaging adventure and exploration though out of logic (let us call this a semester of tours and

colours), while I was to take tons of risks caused by the urban smog, the frying heat, the discomfort,

probably a longer travel time, the effect of not reading what are the vehicles destinations, and more

others. I would therefore tear across Manila from Pasay on a network of thoroughfares thru these

unruly and turbulently engined vehicles. Actually, not all mornings were worse discomforts. It was only

during January and Februarywhen the chilling and freezing morning air was drawn from the extensive

frosty plains of Siberiathat my comfort in riding jeepneys to school was at its summit and I proceeded

to the lecture room without any single drip of sweat.

In the jeepney, the space is very much smaller. Of course, because of its low roofing and limited

space, unlike in the train, there would be no standing sardines. The sardines here are stacked side by

side tightly on the benches, as coaxed by the barker dogs. Else, when very much needed, one would

endanger his life thru lodging himself at the vehicles rear, grasping the attached metal bar above the

jeepneys entrance. Because the space is small, one may have the choice of marveling on the landscapes

(if there would be really at least one) outside the window or to observe other passengers worthy of

study, scrutiny, etc. on the provided, more confined proximity which could be rarely seen in other types

of vehicles.

In the train, my life is repeatedly colorless and lifeless (but I was not implying that I bitterly

abhor this transpo. MRT probably and its insensitive authorities). It was even though the train would beone of the safest, the quickest, the most well-ventilated, and most of all, the most convenient

transportation. During morning, there would be already several passengers flooding the rail-banks.

Sometimes, if I could not initially find a seat inside, I would just stand the entire journey of an average

23 minutes (EDSA to Tayuman). Sometimes, if the train would be completely full and the situation there

seemed that it would choke me, I would simply let it lapse and wait for another one. A waste of time.

There would be times you would feel so contorted around the cold metal poles and hand rails. Very rare

times that there would be technical problems with the air-conditioning units and everyone would be

fanning themselves while others, who were as fresh as the morning daisy, had instantly turned sticky

with dust and sweat, and the worst, the stenches of all the passengers conglomerate everywhere - be it

the fragrance like that of an air freshener or the disgusting, volatile sourness of sweat which awakens a

deadly vertigo in the head. All you could hear in the morning schedule would be just the accelerating

and decelerating sound of the engine, the clanging roar of the heavy, rusty metal wheels along the rails,

the beeping buzzer above the trains doors, the quaking sound of the shaking freight cars, and the

pumps of the air-conditioning units. There would be sometimes chit-chats in the phone or dialogue

among friends which could be sometimes pleasant or unpleasant. I was such a crazy child for that plan

of being a first-time fugitive of my own comfort zone in that particular aspect. I knew that what I did was

dangerous because at anytime, there would be high risks of accidents and crimes intertwined with the

road. I was planning to reconcile myself with the LRT transportation next semester (I would already be a

Fourth Year Student, First Semester) if I felt that this semester would become one of the most fruitful


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that I would ever have despite this tiny crack I made to my comfort zone. I would just take a train to

school within this semester if and only if, just in case there would be some needed emergency. That

would be the rule.

Underneath the LRTsEDSA Station where I march to and fro while waiting, near and at the front

of the Metro Point Mall along Taft (Taft Avenue connects to EDSA, and Metro Point makes an

interchange between MRT and LRT thru intricate overpasses), there are several trumpeting jeepneys

coming from EDSA designated on several routes (On the first stage of my jeepney-transpo era, I was

ignorant of almost all those routes and when I was already beginning to doubt, I used to ask the driver if

this would lead me to UST. The roads, when not already near LRT, left me with disturbing doubts. The

roads sometimes seemed so foreign to me at first. But if I would see other fellow UST students enter the

vehicle, what a big relief! A lucky shuffle on the cards!).

There were those initial times when I used to board a jeepney and never actually know where

would be its destinations, and I always assumed and I simply trusted myself that I would reach the

school on time. I was too lazy to read the letterings on the jeepney and I would just always go with the

flow. At first, I ignored the barker dogs and what I usually did was to wave my hand at any mobile

jeepney that happened to pass by. At that time, I rarely board a waiting jeepney, especially when not yetthat full.

I had experienced getting down underneath Bambang Station and I had walked almost 20

minutes to school, yet I was still on time. I had hilariously and nervously experienced being brought to

Divisoria, but still was able to reach the school just on time - seconds before 7 AM. There was a time

when I luckily chanced to get on the one-trip jeepney going thru Quiapo then Espaa but it only

happened once in that particular semester. If there were such several jeepneys proceeding on that

route, I would make that journey a solidly daily delicacy, which means that I would always be alighted on

a less-than-five-minutes distance to the Engg building I would just walk on the overpass above Espaa

and then thru one of the USTs gates. Almost all those semestral mornings, I avoided taking LRT. But

blessedly, on all those weekdays that I had been taking a jeepney, times hands never had touched thesacred 7 o clock.

In the lengthy past, when I was still riding a train, I was always alighted at Tayuman, and I would

take another jeepney for an inch-long trip along Lacson. At that time, I used to leave home by 6 AM. I

had averagely arrived at UST after the combined trip of the train and the jeepney at 6:45 AM.

It was in the pre-latter days of January when I had finally mastered the jeepneys identitiesand I

already had myself greatly familiarized with the roads. There were the ones going near Dapitan or thru

Laon Laan, to Monumento (which journey alongside the LRT and are like LRTs best friend), to DFA, to

Intramuros, to Divisoria and many more. I already had known all those few jeepneys that would bring

me near or to the university. And I already had one solid choice for the rest of time.

PROLOGUE:

I never knew, how everything turned like this, be it some whirlpool of fate, or some twister of

circumstance. Maybe it was some game of love (oh, love is never a game, deletedelete). The foremost

encounter took place in February, probably in its very much earliest days.


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I had concretely decided on boarding the Quiapo-Dapitan jeepney from LRTsEDSA Station for a

whole one-ride trip to school (in contrast to my former way of being transported to school, this time, I

used to leave home at 5:45 AM and if I would average, I could reach UST at 6:20 AM. Traffic is light in

the morning along the main roads that I pass thru) for the rest of the semester after those few

experiments and little misadventures - and it usually drops by that particular placeI forgot the name, if

it had one (some small park exactly on the island between two diverging roads: A. Villegas St. and Taft

Avenue the LRT rails diverge from Taft and go along above A. Villegas until they arrive at Central

Terminal Station). The place is almost nearing the main ground the ground at the front of the main

facade of the city hall) and the average travel time from EDSA Station up to that place is 25 minutes.

Again, it is the nearest spot after the jeepney initially diverges its path from the LRT rails, and is always

expected to stop right there to pick up some passengers (most are students of UST). And theres this girl.

I rarely look sideways when someone sits beside me in the jeepney or on a much more elevated sense, I

try to shun the view inside the vehicle if almost all the passengers are peer ladies (but sometimes, I cant

help but gaze at them). So, all I can do is to feel, thru some kind of inadvertent contact and surface

pressure caused by the congestion of the passengers within the vehicle, which therefore increases some

sort of such contact without me doing anything and by just keeping steady . Try to feel someones mood

and at the same time send some taste buds to their personality and it depends on the level of my

interest. This is mainly obviously applicable for the two people of different genders (awkward would itbe for the same genders but that was my opinion). At that encounter - yes, I felt she had some heat

and actually I passively felt that she could be attractive (without me looking), but I actually did not care

much, yet, still, I had a goal of seeing her face with some subtlety and not being caught, but since we

were on the right wing as viewed from the entry point, and she was seated on my left, it would be

harder to steal some look sideways.

As always, after all that Ive been thru all throughout the journey, everything seems negligible.

Like nothing at all. My observations along the road and the passengers would simply fall off like a dead

leaf after the journey. Some few trace details would remain. As usual, since I already got used to my

new transportation, everything still seems normal after all. But after I boarded off the jeepney, I

immediately and excitingly captured a chance to see that character with whom I was seated beside inthat part of the voyage. She was ahead and therefore all I had was but some small, partial view. Yes

she is some enigmatic angel in a luminous white robe (as her uniform seemed to be like that). I wasnt

still sure if she is from Nursing or from the Rehabilitation Sciences or from Medicine and Surgery as that

purely white one-piece uniform indicates. I immediately guessed and hypothesizedthat she is some

benevolent person - not a stain of blood of a socialite and not even a blemish of outwardness I see of

her, on that very first sight that type of magnificence being one of the rarest. Yes - she appears with

some kind of radiance but it simply appears ordinary to me on the very first place, and though in my

mind I thought Wow, she was the one seated adjacent to me awhile ago?!, my real focus are the

demands in the school. I simply tossed the almost senseless scenario aside. The situation simply fall off,

nothing at all, like it was another normal day of every student-passenger.

APRIL TWENTY-EIGHT:

A pleasant morning. Like what I did last Tuesday, I was planning to wait and to see that

mysterious lady again with the hope of extracting some more relevant evidence, or simply, just to feel.

Last week, I did the same thing, but I failedI failed to see her, probably because I was too focused on

studying my book while facing the road. I boarded the first vehicle from the said LRT station at 5:50. I

landed at the waiting spot at 6:15.


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Tuesday had become my staple day. After the waning weeks of March and then the first two

weeks of April, I, still with a concoction of doubts, concluded after those weeks of habit on eyeing the

spot (waiting on the place was rarely done and was actually importantly done on the early weeks of

April) that Tuesday is the pulsed day that I could always see her. I had neglected to keep a record for

each day due to my indolence and I had to earn my consequences regarding authenticity. I calculated (or

estimated) in mind that she was often visible on that place fromuhmin the interval of 6:20 6:35

AM. Sometimes, when I would be doing the wait and she would not be visible within the interval, I

would regret it and I would be helpless about it, and I would then board any Quiapo-Dapitan jeepney

that would be passing on the place, still hoping that I could still reach the moment of seeing her along

the narrow street (or alley? I forgot the name) connecting to Dapitan from Laon Laan, which was a very

rare and lowly probable situation and it never did happen. I usually had one-ride trips from home to

school; therefore, when not in the mood to do the wait on the place, the jeepney would just pass then

pull over by that spot, then I would try to eye the spot to see if she is waiting there. Or when I would be

nearer the drivers seat, I could already see the spot ahead of me and I could react much earlier. Twice

or probably thrice, I had a chance of seeing her waiting there in the midst of other students (I didnt

know if she had seen me in those instances, too), but the jeepney had failed taking her in and instead,

had engulfed the others. I remembered one of those times the jeepney have failed to take her in and Ihave not seen her on the narrow street, which have made my mood be lost in the wilderness and I tried

to amuse myself in such a lonely morning by dramatically sitting all alone on a stone bench in the front

of the flamboyant Quadricentennial Fountain, thus, letting time pass instead of proceeding directly to

the lecture room. Probably, at one of those instances, it simply slowed down and then rolled away

quickly and has given me not a single possibility. The scene was like my vehicle departed from the place

and she boarded on another one as I saw from a hundred feet away. Sometimes, due to my forgetful

mind and the hellish difficulties in my college and my drowsiness, I didnt know if I really did see her in

the other weekdays. Because when it comes to events related to the road and the strangers, I usually

tend to forget the name of the day. Tuesday morning. I didn't know why Tuesday, but there was really

one time that I could no longer remember. It was really Tuesday. Maybe, in the other weekdays she had

a different schedule? Or my eyes were just blind on those other days? Tuesday morning. Once a week, Ihad to wait on that spot. But since the semester was nearing its end, I had randomly tried on some other

days. But Tuesday morning, from then on.

You know, this might be the last time Id be doing this, and for the sake of the last time (maybe),

I had to do this before hell week. Well, in the past weeks excluding the first encounter, all I could

remember from her, was that she initially held (was she or did we just simply intersect sights by

chance?) questionable glimpses or glares, at me, on unexpected time lapses. Her seemingly slit dark

eyes (don't tell me she's a Chinese or else this be a misery (?)) - a shot to the heartor that way she

darted mine eyes - fascinated me - a landslide of fascination! Simply the main thing that caught a very

huge part of my attention, as if it was very exquisite at every angle. With such dispositions, I guessed she

might be threatening me, warning me like she was seeing me in a negative way, probably wanting to say

Hey, dont you know I am already having someone?or He looks fearsome; I should keep watch. I

was noticing that she had been sharply suspicious of me, so keen as I felt, and I didnt know if I would be

feeling normal about it or was it just as simple as simplicity. I didnt really know the exact timeor day of

the first smitten spark or even how did it all happen. All I know is that my composure was always as it is

as a public passenger. I simply observe the things around methe fellow passengers, the interior details

of the vehicle, and then it would be gone away and not over think it. Gaze on some landscapes all

throughout the journey, seeing if thered be any change in the system, etc. But this! This one person

shot some bullet against my fortress! I didnt know if this was my fault or hers, but all I knew was that it


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did not matter anymore, for an ignition had been made, metal against metal, and that this romantic

acuity (which it seemed to be) needed to be attained. What a thought, her waywhich really delves me

into some abysmal pondering. My interest on her grew exponentially, until she would be the main

person that I really wanted to see every morninguntil I became another gullible scientist who wanted

to discover who she really is to keep in touch with that soul of inwardness that she seemed and I

assumed she contains within herself that soul of inwardness which unintentionally stung this callous

heart (I should have taken note that my assumptions and fantasies in mind about her might go wrong. I

just have seen her only as a passenger which is just the visible tip of the iceberg).

There were many instances of such darting sights of hers. I remembered at that point she

entered the jeepney (I knew Im not yet in love, and I originally had just a one jeepney ride from EDSA to

UST, and unexpectedly and by coincidence, she became a passenger of the jeepney, probably after she

waited in that place I had said.), the first person she saw was me. Eye to eye, in the speed of light, for I

was sitting near the entry point. And there was another coincidence in another time frame. She almost

did the same thing in her entry. She directed her eyes at me, in a jiffy (without head rotation, like a

sideway eyeball movement) while passing by in front of me. I deliberately made myself the last person

to get off and she passed by again, and did it again. On that same occasion, after I finally alighted, I was

actually the onenow the one trailing behind her, and there was really something in her that made menot to supersede her in the walk, as I hurriedly do in most cases. I therefore adjusted my pace to hers.

Altogether with the few students, I treaded the small narrow street connecting to Dapitan. She was

probably four feet ahead. Almost one-fourth of the walk along that street when she attempted and

hesitatingly turned her head at the back. I was the last person among the crowd of students, and she

was second to the last. At that initial moment of her turnaround, my reaction time activated and I

pretended not looking at her, and I merely looked slightly upward. Then she continued on her walk. But

there was a nanoscopic portion of that fleeting movement that I witnessed I tried fathoming it in a

slower time pacethat gently, lamblike face glanced at someone behind, with her hair slowly fluttering

in an impressive aura, and I knew I felt that that action of hers brought her charms fangs into my eyes,

leaking the venom of her spirit into mineinto this heart that sturdily wanted to be insensible when it

comes to nonsense passion. All right, enough. Maybe she was just affirming and confirming that Ialready had gotten down and I was also a UST student or on a much mor e ideal and impossible feelers

sense, she might have radar to my feelings. She was probably done on her psychology course or

somewhat subject, whatever they call it. She was so magical and I really wondered why. Why was she

doing that. I took those sights terribly seriously, and also her graceful way of glancing. But she was

truthfully, based on my bare observations and my years as a mere observer of things in the universe, the

most suspicious person Id ever seen in my life as a public passenger.

And I remembered another thing, and this time, I was already wholly subdued by her charm.

Sometime in February again? I knew I did not see her along the trip and probably she was later or earlier

than me. I had forgotten the time I did something illogically - probably it was few minutes before

quarter to 7AM. Instead of my original course along the Quezon Drive and along the faade of the

Commerce and AB Building (St. Raymunds?), I mindlessly tried passing through the path/s (Villamor

Drive then Guerrero Drive?? My first attempt walking along these drives) she was taking before she

enters her building (St. Martin de Porres). Quickly I proceeded, on the assumption that she might still be

walking along those paths and I could still trailon the belief that I could still chance to see her on a

clutch, and so I could have had a quick look. And I would sacrifice a huge energy of that walk for a

microscopic glimpse. Such one in a billion chance, but I always wish. And here, with an unreasonable

anxiety, I would nearly shift direction to another drive from the Villamor Drive and along the side face of

St. Martin De Porres building, and she might still be taking some remaining paces along Guerrero Drive,


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when I unexpectedly and surprisingly saw her coming in the opposite direction, on the other lane,

busily conversing with a comrade (her boyfriend? But why didnt I worry? I had totally forgotten the face

or I actually hadnt looked because I offered the fraction of a second of look on her instead of her

companion). I didnt know, but - but I had this powerful sense that he could be just a mere companion

simply a blockmate or a friend of hers. They might had rather gone out of the university premises along

Dapitan to buy some food and beverages, to print something, to meet someone, or to hang out together

for awhile. Haha! I didnt know what to feel about that, which had reduced my desire on such a quest

and assignment that I was into. But had she winked an eye on me? Maybe? Or was she too focused on

the conversation to the point that the world around is a goner? I had forgotten it, again, I had forgotten

when she did spot me or not. If she had literally seen me, there could be two possibilities. Firstly, it

would be freakingly awkward on my part for she may be asking herself Why is this guy passing thru

these paths? Isnt he from Engineering? This is a longer one. He should have taken the route along

Quezon Drive. Or is he tracking me again? So sinister! Hmph!. Actually, as I could still remember, that

was the feeling induced in me. Awkward. Secondly, she might just dont care for she might had thought

that I would be meeting someone else or I would proceed in the hospital to meet someone. But the first

one is the stronger one for me. That could be the reason why I felt awkward. But had she really seen

me? I hope not. Not. But her comrade though. Ugh!

Back to reality. No more one ride trips until May til I would achieve the goal (not yet known, still

nameless). I hastily boarded an already mobile Divisoria jeepney from underneath the EDSA Station, and

didnt care anymore of the Quiapo-Dapitan jeepney still waiting for its stomach to be full, because there

might be unexpected traffics along the road and I might have failed to see her. As early as 6:15, I was

already on the waiting point. I waited with great excitement while reviewing my surveying notebook,

facing the dusty and the smoggy road. I waited for a few more minutes, willfully skipping several

vehicles that were supposed to bring me to my destination. I waited - I patiently waited. Just because of

her (that first time she was beside me in the jeepney coincidentally and unexpectedly, was simply a

popped bubble in the head. But at that time when I had eventually seen her, was a bit of star struck to

me, but it actually did not last. Then there was another time, and yes, those mysterious glimpses were

brought to my attention. Those eyes. Her way of looking. If she had not done those acts, I would notprobably be as crazy as this. And my deep cogitation of those stealthy glimpses ultimately made me

more inquisitive and made my life more complicated. Just those simple stuffs. And more eventually, that

interest grew and sprouted quickly as the mung beans left in a glass full of water, until I myself become

obsessed of her because she was really suitable for the inspection of her psyche. I succumbed and just

simply wished that every time my jeepney passes and stops by that sacred spot, she would come in and

if chance would be better enough, and kinder enough, she would sit beside me. I think I already fall in

love, and as a passenger, this is the very first time that probably or maybe, I did. OhI realized I almost

reiterated what I said just awhile).

Before 6:25 AM, I saw her from a distance, to my left, for she just went down from the jeepney

and shed be taking another one. Little by little, foot by foot, inch by inch, I proceeded closer and closer

until she boarded (I wish she didnt notice me right away). I awkwardly trailed behind hera few inches

while getting inside the vehicle. Instinctively, I sat on the first seen space along the bench (we almost

had the same time as we sat, on the same bench, and all I knew was that she was initially having a

forward look on the driver as she was already going to pay her fare) and clearly, so as not to appear

desperate, I allowed her to have a safe distance from me, like some two feet. The jeepney had some

slightly loud music turned on. I heard her voice while she was paying her fare. Isa lang po yan. Sa UST

po were almost the exact words that I heard. But then, I had forgotten that variant of her voice. More

passengers surged in. I continued studying my surveying notes. But, I suddenly felt and I knew that she


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was it without me looking - she was near me and my eyes were glowing like a mighty sharingan! My

pupils probably dilated, and I kept on persuading myself that I was under some worthless genjutsu of my

own eyes. Tell me Im not developing something. Tell me please, that she didnt mean it (or she really

did?? hihihi!). But like some impossible dream, the outer surfaces of our arms (the upper half from the

elbow) were already sticking together, almost squeezing, and F/A had been this great since the

passengers filled the benches of the vehicle, like the continental plate pushing itself against the oceanic

plate. The upper part of her lower limbs were also against mine and probably the right side of her pelvis

and yeah!! da da DUM! That warmth yes that warmth that I felt from her surfaceI couldnt explain

but I felt that unusual warmth from her, spreading from the surface of contact and then all throughout

my body (and probably also conquering my soul). Could it have conversely done the same on her from

mine?

At that point, my concentration stammeredlagged. I didnt know anymore how to focus and I

already lost grip on what part of the notes I was into. My heart was steadily increasing in its beating until

it monstrously resonated within my bodyto the point that I could only feel her and my heart alone I

meditated on that feeling. If she could only have some superhuman perceptions, she would surely hear

those beatings, and she would have instantly decoded me. I was thinking on how this came to be. I

didnt know why she still went near me though I had allowed more than a foot of space between us. Ifthe passengers were surging in, she should have let someone sit between us. But instead, she decided to

move into my direction. I put into my mind (so as not to be a feeler) that it would have been a simple

logic, because one wants to be nearer the exit point. Did she notice who I am? Had she really

remembered me before? Those few petty moments? I knew I should be feeling it though I did not even

had an eye on her. I did not look at her the entire journey. But I knew that feeling. She should be feeling

that, too. I didnt really know if she was feeling comfortable or uncomfortable and if she really wanted it

and if she also wanted to counter-capitalize and counter-synchronize with what I was passively doing.

Just like I wish (which might be so impossible to happen and only happens in the neverworld) that she

was also nakikiramdam or her mind might have been speaking pasimple/pakipot ka paor Im feeling

you (LOL, in your dreams). Had she even attempted peeking on the notes I was studying? Did she look

at me when my eye was away?

The pressurizing contact had been continuous for more than 10 minutes. I couldnt move and

specifically, I almost didnt move a single muscle on my left arm, and I almost really couldnt. The other

arm was a bit movable though. On the latter part of the journey, while I was still feeling so stuck on this

sweet, gooey nectar and not a little proximity had been changed, the music in the jeepney had its next

song classical (?) romantic-dramatic and in Tagalog or simply an OPM. Dammnn!! I was still making

myself believe that I could still understand what I was studying. Oh..yeah..yeahIwas not getting any

farther. Id been fooling myself so much with this excessive pretense. I was still trying to graze on my

notes just to have something to do but I felt it was already nothing like blank space. Everything had been

a mixture and combination of this thin frustration and this overflowing romance. All right, this moment

seemed soooo corny for me (and for her?). The song? I dont think so. It was my entire fault. It was my

entire plan for this day. Im such a tracker.

I knew I had to study in this vehicle to save more time and for the nearing day of the quiz (which

is my routine at most times). Consequently, because it would interfere with this event and vice-versa, I

had to study harder at home again.

The music was damn stupid. It even made me feel more stupid though on the outside I seemed

to never mind and appear poker-faced. Because I had already reached the elastic limit of not absorbing


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a single letter or number from my notes, I simply dropped my notebook after I had unzipped my

backpack with the right hand. Take note that as a seated commuter, I frequently hold my backpack on

my lap in an almost hugging position. Well, I could not help myself and I loved the accidental contact

very much. I continued contemplating on a much more unimaginable extent. Fantasies. Yeah, I was

getting some sort of intoxication in my mind - that likable musical background - a theme song shot like

an arrow to me and yet I was actually perceived as a serene and calm individual on the outside. She

would never know what I feel. No. She might be reading me. No. It couldn't be. She could be also

assuming. She might have been consuming those lyrics while trying to draw some heat from me like

what I was doing. No, I should not be a feeler. I digested my feels in my guts and I submerged myself in

the world of dreams in the remaining few minutes, fancying myself "like to a lark at break of day

arising". She might have been stealing some shots and glimpses, while I just couldn't simply rob a single,

golden one and I was at her right side. Maybe she wanted me to look straight into her eyes. Ohh!! What

was I saying?? I should not be this excessively expecting.

The said song continued, like it was turning minutes into hours. The world became weary in its

turning as if it just decided to watch us both and I felt so frozen, superbly insane deep inside but I would

love reiterating, that she would probably have never known the truth I was keeping for I was cloaked

with a nearly disguised serenity and seriousness. Or maybe the other way around (on my face!), for meto manifest optimism. No. Nah. Oh, I'm not a god to sense whatever state she was into. But this feeling -

yes!! - these sentiments had never been climactic and eagle-flighted since I'm born as a passenger, just

because I was sided with someone whom I almost felt was qualified to my taste of such a simplicity of a

character and composure (just assuming because that was what I really feltsweartwas like a needle

prick), and with someone I almost fell in love with.

I remained unmoving and I know she too (again, another assumption) meagerly moved a single

bone. Flappy, flappy heart! I was feeling so high!! Ding ding ding!! I exploited itthat feeling to be by

her side, and I knew that opportunity had laid its hand for me, and though it was not at its best (I was

referring on that goal - maybe as an initial and sparking conversation with her), I would still consider

what Id achieved to an extremest of its level! I had actually no more word for this I was feeling and Iwas actually repeating the same words all over again like shaking them in a box! It was out of this world!

I was out of this world! LOL!! But I knew my shortcomings, and I should have handled this on a more

professional and expert limelight. I knew I was still lacking, but one of the key goals was to feel, and

though I failed to extract what were her real intentions and what were the meaning of her gestures, I

still had gotten a bit of clueand I knewyes - so dumb (how would I know what those are, with just a

simple surface contact? Well, all I knew was that that contact already had spoken a lot (or was just a

mere imagination) and I knew well of my guts and they had already received what was supposed to be

an already collected intelligence). But still I knew I did! I did feel! I did it! Probably I caught her! Tell me I

did and I was not innocent and ignorant! I wanted to hate this sentiment and disgust myself and think

this I was doing was absurd and nasty, but dearthis sentiment had been so clingy, and though I should

really hate, I should instead but enjoy and on me you should pour the pails of ales.

The jeepney pulled over almost past the mouth of the narrow street connecting to Dapitan. I let

her exit first (I knew I felt she had that urge to know why I always come last though I am always nearer

the exit than hers, but she she obviously didnt turn her head nor she rotated her eyes). From a few

feet away, I tailed her again. Along the narrow street, I trailed her. She treaded along that street, and

always seeing her crystal clear simplicity and that graceful way she possesses like to a traditional

woman in the countryside, she seems to turn the common-walled houses on both street edges into

humble trees saluting her along the path. And she had those large amounts of charisma fuming from her


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pores, like it is the fragrance of the vast fields of the worlds most fragrant flowers. LOL. I wanted to

apologize for my exaggeration. But all I knew was that she never hasted in her walk like she was thinking

that she was being pursued by someone. I couldnt remember anything that she really did that. I was

even thinking of taking a photoeven just her rear view, but lately did it come to mind that my phone

was off and is slow to start, and I was walking and my hands would be shaky. I abandoned that thought.

The reason of doing that was just to show to my blockmate that I was not making any fiction and that

she is a living fossil.

The train composed of two cars continued moving along the rails. We are almost collinear

points. We continued walking along and I was waiting for a clue. But but she didnt look back along

the way until we reached Dapitan. I already had my doubts and I turned blue for a little bit. Spotting no

more clues and responses and other non-verbal cues on that usual time span and on that place where I

usually retrieve the clues, I sarcastically inferred I was free! How onion-skinned am I, man. But I still

pushed that there would still be something because - the pre-UST walk was not yet done. We were to

cross Dapitan on a pedestrian and thru that UST gate. I was still trying to hope hopelessly hoping and

waiting for that decrypting response. We passed thru the gate, then past the guard, and then on the

verge of departing ways. Still trailing, and no clue. But I really felt that she had the urge but she just

couldnt (I hated to be this feeler again, but that was really my psychic feels and I assumingly assumedthat I am an expert who could read the littlest of the gestures). I made my walking a bit more slowly

(and she was also naturally walking slowly) in the remaining few seconds. Here, we gowe were almost

departing and then we were yes! We were! We already took an angle of departure, but not yet

moving in a far distance along our paths. Departing, diverging, and almost tearfully and hopelessly, I did

no longer try to follow her on her path for I may be revealedobviously and awkwardly revealed and I

almost did not look on her. While our paths continued diverging and before the St. Raymund building

would block my view of her (which would do the same on her part), probably two seconds after the

departure, I, who almost concluded that she seemed so indifferent and I, with one finger on the cliff,

almost conceding and I was in the supreme state of despair - tried to turn my head on her, just a bit of

turn, for my peripheral vision to do its part (which would make her appear blurry in return. I hope I just

did a 90+ degrees of head turn, opposed to the 60 degrees which I did. I didnt know why I didnt make itthat full power). At that very, very moment, II caught her! I knew it! The moment had us both on the

hook and I really knew!! She turned her head and she tried to look back, exactly coinciding with mine I

coincided with her glimpsing! I knew that I did! Yes!! She offered a parting glance!! That odd gesture of

hersso rare that it was really the oddest Id seen! The clutch glimpses for both of us on the buzzer!

But I did not see her face completely (probably I saw its outline and the whiteness of its color and the

beautiful hair surmounting it) for it was just a portion of my peripheral vision. Butyet I knew that this

moment would never, never lieand 70% of my eyes had witnessed it!! Twas true!! So true! Real and

genuine!! Twas not make-believe! She tried looking back and I was thinking she saw me turned my

head, too. So awkward for both of us if that was the substance I felt and she might have it felt, too!

Though very awkward, it could be the greatest spark Id felt or she also felt it, too (did she?)the thrill

and that tickling sensation instilled within us (or me alone?). That event made her charms fangs bury

deeper into my soul again, and they released another wave of a much more potent venom to triply

hasten the beats of my heart until it would melt in so much insanity with her. But never, yes, never did I

completely see her radiant face and I failed to decode the language on her face upon turning for it was

blurry and it was just a quick turn (joyous, smiling, glad or her eyebrows down, death stare, etc.??). I

didnt know but I automatically took it as positive. Immediately after the moment, I was filled with a

bliss of what I thought would be the supposed final encounter with her. I treaded all the paths toward

Engineering with such an inexplicable, ear-touching smile on my face. Every student that I might have

met, were probably puzzled on why did I had such a smile. They might have thought I was terribly


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insane, but I never really did care of what was running in their minds in such a hopeful morning one of

the most hopeful mornings I had. All I knew was that my soul was chilling to its very bones kilig to the

bones so unexplainable was my situation for the first time on my way to Engineering to the point that

it broke the spell of monotone I had in every morning of my life.

I still never understood this feeling fully, and especially that one turn of her head which would

probably be the ultimate clue (still hoping to see her again. whyy???), but all I knew was that it is still a

somber mystery for me (or already a straightforward response from an interested person?? I hope so).

Honestly, as I was pondering that moment at home, I couldnt clarify if she had really seen me on that

turn of her head. I knew she turned her head, but I think I havent seen her eyes and the direction of

those my peripheral vision was really blurry. She might have missed her arrow. But I my ears were

already flapping rapidly immediately after that moment which would be my sole evidence that we

really had intersected sights. I should believe, and I should not presume. She had seen me. She could

have thought that I was following her all the way because of her acute sensitivity and keen suspicion,

and I was being likened to a stereotype of a male tracker, who had creepiness as one of its main

condiments, like I was altering her shadow. She could be affirming...and assuring that I was not following

her. For if I did it, yes, as I would have repeated, would unravel a riddle, and the answer to that riddle is:

Awkward Revelation. What a shame! (All right, Im out if that could have happened and I would hidefrom her and never see her again (no!!!)). I would appear much more fearsome like I am already

penetrating into her semi-permeable membrane of lifecreepier, right?and those are the things Im

trying to avoid and I know to myself that Im simply harmless. I am actually always giving her that safe

distance or else Id be in a danger zone.But I have to end the arguments within myself and just for the

day I have to say that she really is an inward person. I didnt know if that would change for I still

could not think well.

Well, what a day! I wish she had also cherished this day. I could not forget that moment that just

lasted in a fraction of a second. I could still feel so high!! And this smile on my face seemed tattooed for

so long and I broke the curse of this serious face which I usually had, though I knew this would not last,

of course, the memory of the moment, and that freshness would soon fade away. If only I could reallyjust write descriptive accounts for each day that I had seen herbut I was too devoted day and night on

my studiesI become studyaholic and then I would be terribly dying on the loss of brain gases - to the

point that when I nap, it would seem that I need a hibernation of a thousand years. Now, I had to do

this, and this was my first-time that I had forfeited my time to study just for this account to be penned,

and it would be my fault if I would be struggling on my short-circuited memory while filtering those

few moments of the past from my ailing neurons but with the exception of the moments within that

freshly affectionate occasion (but thanks to my heart the second mind). But ooops, yeah, I suddenly

remembered when I was already in the classroom, that Id forgotten to pay my fare, accidentally,

truthfully accidental and I was deeply sorry about that. I was simply affected by those everest-high

emotions, yeahh! I was simply enjoying the moments after that lightning momentthus, pouring on me

the pails of ales!!. LOL. I was very high - these sentimentsthese climactic sentimentswere similar to

some effects induced upon me by a certain kind of drug.

DAWN OF MAY TWELVE:

Tomorrow would be the beginning of the Finals Week (May 12 May 16)the ultimate and the

most dreadful week of the semester. I recalled May 8, the day I finally confirmed that she is a bona fide

student of the College of Nursing. We had a speech choir as our advanced Final Examinations in our


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English subject. We are required to wear props and costumes on that day of presentation. One of my

blockmates, whose dormitory is just on the opposite side of Lacson near UST, made use of a uniform of

her dormmate as her costume, and I heard her say that it was from her roommate who have been a

student from Nursing.

It had been a three day vacation (Saturday, Sunday, and Monday). I believed I already studied

well except for that one tedious subject in the name of S. Mat., and I just simply found impossible to

solve most problems in the book because of the scarcity of time and my energy and because I and some

of my blockmates had skipped a significant make-up class in that subject (May 2 for there had been a

necessary scheduled interview with a surveyor in Plaridel, Bulacan, which would be our project in the

Surveying Lecture subject and our group had returned to school too late to catch up with the remaining

time of that class, so most of us had decided to go home instead).

And an addition to those burdens and pressures that I was carrying was that girl that girl

haunting me for days and nights though I was awake and even when she was not there haunting me

though her meekly, lamblike face is the hardest to remember (another mystery of hers is that I usually

forget her face and cannot imagine its figure consistentlysometimes I remember but most of the time,

barely that I could do, like most of the times the candlelight is flickering and rarely comes back in its fullfigure. Probably, what is only brought to mind is its outline and the whiteness of its color and the

beautiful hair surmounting it. But why not those eyes which had moved the initial trigger long ago?

hehe. A mystery indeed. First time I could not remember someones face so easily). I had not seen her

these past few days. I was thinking in those days on what I should do to abruptly murder these feelings

for her that I had been hoarding for long. Giving her flowers or handing her some letter had touched my

mind, simply far from the logical ones like consulting some psychologists to hypnotize me out of the

cobras charm. But I never wanted to use my parents money (they even strictly had an eye on my

savings), and I had just conceived that it would surely be a waste of money and time to purchase even

just a single rose from Dangwa or from other nearby bouquet stores. Moreover, my parents will

disgustingly and disdainfully kick me out of the house if they will have caught me squandering my pocket

money with a solitary, significant someone. I never even wanted to keep secrets against them because itwould be such a galactic mountain to hide. With no other choice and since I excessively and ridiculously

lacked my skills in speech and I had no versatility in conversations with women, even my own mother,

and I had such an unusual diffidence, I was so despairingly left to ponder on how to write some soul-

touching letter (stupid me), to which until now (for I have been procrastinating doing it due to endless

school requirements and my impoverished need of nap, and I had only written a very little bit of the

letters intro), I was still contemplating whether to just do it and cram it later when there would be a

spare time and energy left in me. I thought I should be contented on that anointing clue I had received

way back in April 28 and had decided not to see her again. But it was over. Too late. It actually sparked

more curiosity in me and more concern on her. My fortified heart could not endure anymore those

cannon bolts of her charisma. And every morning, she is my only water to this soul lacerated by

nightmares while Im asleep. Buthow could I ever dream of her in my sleep when I could not have the

full details of her face? But all I knew was that she might have appeared in one of my dreams but I had

just forgotten when I already woke up. Probably, I dreamt that I was searching her. LOL. In my dreams.

I was studying for my exam tomorrow. S. Mat. is splendidly, a very difficult subject. I just

desperately scanned my notes and I managed to answer a few problems in the book related to the last

topic. I scanned and answered some examples from my notes (copied from my classmate who attended

the make-up class) pertaining to the one that I missed. And vis--vis the desperation to finish everything

on a single night was also the desperation that I have for the few remaining days of the semester -


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wherein I need to express myself to her, that she is almost the same with me, that we both seem weird

and blah blah blah. That I could sense her inward energy and qualities and that she is a potential friend

and ohIm some kind of assumeragain. I was trying to counteract this nonsense to the point that I

almost banged my head on the transparent, tempered glass table where I was studying. I was feeling so

deluged by this nonsensefeeling so consumeddigestedandmaybe manipulatedmade dumb. I

didnt know what to do but I just couldnt focus anymore in my study. Luckily, I already had gotten the

basic prowess in solving every problem, and though a bit contented, I still believed that it was not yet

enough, still excessively lacking, but I just have to believe. I halted my studying at midnight and I found

myself licking the drops of the melting sweets of this bastard imagination. I was reminiscing that

moment in April 28, all over again, and was still programmed as a positive, no matter what. I was

deciding on what to do for I did not yet want to sleep, though I was already feeling so excessively

stressed and tired and drowsy. Everything was so silent and eerie in the late evening until dawn, like I

was the only person in the world - the only house amid the tranquil and vast, misty fields. Everything

had been so quiet except this wild mind of minefeasting on the hearts banquet.

I was thinking of continuing what I had begun and I was still chewing on the single idea ever

sinceto write some letter. Though the day before midnight had exhausted enormous powerhouses of

my energy, I never knew whether I felt compelled or despaired to do this, or maybe in between, andsince Time was really, you already know. I have to sacrifice that time to sleep earlier just for this to be

done; even the reason of a healthy mind during exam could not collide against my cemented will. I used

the leaf of a notebook (I had torn extra pages from some of my previous notebooks last year which I

have been keeping for future use, the dimensions of the leaves akin to that of the medium-sized Apple

notebook). I already barely had my introductory paragraph in a rough draft, written several days ago

which I have failed to continue because of procrastination. I have to edit that part again and rewrite it,

but I have to write everything elseon the spot. I was thinking of condensing everything in two pages,

meaning back to back. No more additional pages. I was trying my best to think of the most tangible

wordsthat had already touched that particular past and which would touch her back in return. Damn.

I felt so sleepy - yawning more than twice a dozen times, but I really have to do this. Several minutes had

passed and my head was already falling on the table, and I almost slapped myself. I was mumbling tomyself some words of adhering will - I have to do this - this one is really a need - I have to empty the

clouds of my soul onto the leaf to weigh less and to let in some air to make myself float in some

triumphant comfort. I was really trying to think of tangible words and related occurrences but I felt

that I was just ending up randomizing thoughts without the unity of mind. I simply told myself Never

mind, at least I had something to say and she would know. I had almost reached the last space of the

second page, and is smaller than most of the other fixed spaces in the leafand at that point I felt that I

already had stated and summed up what I have to express (but still I felt that I have some more things to

say, and probably I could have been cleaner and more grammatically correct and more harmonized and

complete with what I have to say if I were not in this battered and agonized condition). I had no more

time to check for errors and I knew the message would not produce a negative impact. I was already

lacking space for my final greeting and what a shame. Obviously, I had that last and clinching space in

the paper and that was the most bottom part. And I have to think whether to put my numbers or my

actual name or my nickname or other codenames. I was also thinking of some closing greeting which

would be placed before the senders name. After I had exhaustingly thought of those for some twenty

minutes while weakly wandering in space, I forcefully fitted everything in a single line in print. Success! I

subdued a part of my cyclone. I thought of taking a shot of the full text just in case I would use it in my

diary. Next, I would be thinking of whether I would give this to her plainly, without or with any

encasement. Or insert it in any openings of her belongings without her knowledge. And regarding that

fact whether to encase the paper or not, fortunately, I had incidentally found in my effortful searching


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after a few minutes, the most suitable encasement in one of my drawers - a glitteringly, golden-hued,

floral-designed Chinese cash envelope kept in one of my drawers (was she really a Chinese? If youre slit-

eyed, youre already Chinese? That envelope was hinting me of something, but that would not hinder

my plans). All right. No more retreat and going back. I didnt know what to do next after this

butyawnnnI have to sleep in these insufficient hours and cram on such a requirement tomorrow

(ohhremember, S. Mat. final exam toms!!) that particular day when my eyes are widely opened.

MAY THIRTEEN:

I penned some appreciative letter at the dawn of May 12. I wrote it out of desperation and due

to the uncontrollable overflow of sentiments that would soon self-destruct me and those were so

much of a destroyer that it had become a hideous malady that I could not even forget myself out of

controlthat it may slightly ruin my finals week performance. If you cant express yourself veryclearly

thru a verbal way and time would always be an adversary, why not use a pen and ones own

contemplation? Where ones expression would be twice or thrice or twice the thrice in intensity?

Yesterday, I saw her and she was wearing some glasses (first time I saw her wear some lens. By

the way, I am always wearing glasses). And not while she was waiting. I was reading my Plumbing book(Batman would have guided me on S. Mat. anyway) at that time. She emerged from nowhere,

somewhere at my farther right side and then probably walking some distance ten feet from where I

stood, ahead, and was almost already boarding a vehicle. Actually, from the moment that I had seen

her, I sensed that Time was being deterred by some supernatural being, thus, signaling me to make a

decision whether to follow her or not, while she was not yet lifting herself entirely into the vehicle. The

present sense was on. All right, thinkingthinking I have this letter under my sleeveyeah, one foot

onand my plan is on, no...yes? No? HereId be moving mine feet, nobut I have this letter to finish

everythingyes! No? Oh nothe other foot is onshall I give a chasenoyesohit movesit is

moving.oh, it stops againanother chanceyour last chanceshall I board on that now? Oh, thatcould

appear awkward, but I have this letter to give a foul to give...come onthis would set you

freenonoyesnooh..nononononononooo! TheThat jeepneyhad gone away. My feetremained in its position. Not a single movement. I failed to join her on the ride. The supernatural being

had let gone of times hands. The clouds seemed to darken the heavensoh the heavens were my eyes.

My soul, maybe? Oh. I suddenly felt depressed and DEVAstated after that, for such a seemingly do or

die, final and ultimate encounter (as Id told you, it is almost every Tuesday (except May 5, I didnt know

why I failed to see her) that I spot her in the waiting place). The possible reason for what I'd done was

that she might have obviously noticed my underground agenda, like I was creepily spying on her. I

actually pretended that I was snobbing that jeepney she had entered, using only my peripheral vision to

watch it move. I was supposed to transport that letter to her by any means but much better if face to

face. That letter was actually made, for me to leave everything behind and end this another dynasty of

foolishness

From the moment I had written the letter until I carried out this courageous plan - those actions

made me remember something I did in high school way back in 2009, wherein I had composed some

verses out of blazing sentiments over an already lasting admiration on a person who had been a two-

year classmate (2nd year - 3rd year (the year I handed the paper. She was still my classmate until 4th

year)). Lately and dumbly did I realize that she is a highly active, enthusiastic socialite who is also being

chased and wooed by other swains and such a character is absolutely out of the criteria, and lately did I

know of it because I had not yet affiliated myself to any social networking sites. And I remembered

someone who had been her former admirer, who was trying to turn me off of her, backstabbingly


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stating to me that she was some sort of a skunk. I simply realized that I was not thinking so smart

enough.

Subsequently, I also recalled that within this college life, I formerly had two main admirations, to

which afterwards, I deemed myself stupid for not abiding again by my criteria and these are the eras

when I felt myself in a sugary knot with them: first in the name of Precy (1st year, 2nd sem) and

secondly, in the name of Hazel (2nd year, 2nd sem). And again, I found myself in various traps and it

came to my knowledge that both of those former ladies of my admiration are also straightforwardly

huge socialites.

I presumed that Prescilia (she had been my blockmate at that time, a bit slit-eyed, whitish, but

it is true that she is not even a half-Chinese - also proved by her surname) was someone so shy and

quiet, like a stone in a corner, with just her small circle. I knew she had some interest, like she had

greeted me on FB in my birthday, she liked my John Keats profile picture, and I felt it even until the

beginning of the 2nd year, 1st sem, wherein she greeted me on the Engg gates and one time she

astonishingly tapped me on the knee just like I was a close friend though I was really not, and that was

while I was sitting on a bench along the front of the Roque Ruao, and she was hasting in her walk - until

I did no longer see her again in several weeks. Few more months have passed and I no longer did see herand everything had gradually faded away due to my dominating impulse at that time to live singularly

and freely and to eradicate any trace of other charismas around me (and then there would be the strong

interception of Hazel)- and astoundingly, to my news, she remarkably rose to power winning the

contest as the Ambassadress (Industrial Engineering) of the Year and then, she would be seen running

for that highly coveted secretarial position in the Engineering Student Council (the campaigning took

place in 3rd year, 2nd sem, and I had my support on her and for those hardships of hers (I shook her

hands, four times within the campaign period, lol)). She have been or become (?) a party girl and I saw

some photos on my wall in FB (bonding in the club? for there are so many blinding colorful lights and

dancing people), together with her comrade candidates in their political party. I actually failed to be

present in the election day and I was already home, and therefore, I had voted none of the candidates

from the two parties. She had lost the position, as their party was being swept by the Independent Partycandidates.

On the other hand, the class pressed me on Hazel because of that single, foolish three-word

Tagalog phrase which I had mindlessly and inadvertently commented on her newly changed display

picture in FB, caused probably by my lengthy, drunken festivity after I had sunk a three-point basket that

same day in the school for the very first time. I was thinking whether to delete the comment or not

because it was already begetting a controversy as there had been bulks of likes punching on my

comment. It was overtoo over. I decided not to delete it instead, and I continued to believe that those

people would not take it seriously. But it became the opposite of what I believed. The pressure steamed

up. I realized that I made a tremendous, horrible mistake and on the first place, I was not even into her. I

didnt even want to say it to her directly or say to her that it was just a bit of adoration or it was just a

jest (hehehe). The class maintained the pressure on us until I simply rode in their air. Few more days and

this heart unreasonably collapsed onto her without me fully consenting. Half I didn't like what I was

feeling, and half agreeing. I remained confused with myself and blamed myself for making such a huge

mistake caused by those three stupid words and my first three-pointer. Sometimes I was manifesting

some interest but like a two-man tandem, the other one was not at ease about it. If I did not comment

and just remained silent, then how free - stress-free, and weightless I am right now. The Hazel-era lasted

for more than a year and I did not fell on any other charismas within the era. The stupid link between us

lasted more than a year. My long-time blockmates continually banter me on her within the era but of


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course, there was no development and indeed, and on their faces, I would not make a sharp move, as I

know by heart my parents' rules. She rode, I rode. As simple as that. But lately did I notice that she

already had been very connectedly intimate to some man in the class (I'm in 3rd year, 2nd sem), which

had been frankly revealed thru an impromptu speech in the English course, saying that he had been her

blockmate in 1st year (but first time did he become my blockmate). The question that she had drawn

out from covered eyes was a critical hit: Who would you date among the boys in your class and why?

was the nearest to the one I could remember.

Within the earlier days in the era, I didnt know how to act normally, but it was until a long time

that I felt like we were able to talk to each other freely and ordinarily and just like we were on a n-o-r-m-

a-l day, and we would only usually talk about academics, though only some few other people would still

joke about us, but now on a very minimized scalea negligible effectlikeWell! Very minimal, like the

way we talk to our other blockmates and the puppy mug was already toppled from the table. Anyways,

until now, I fail to understand her personality and I cannot identify if she really have some qualities of an

inward person, but she is actually closer to most men, and she have many supporters in the social

networking sites. I never saw her in company with other ladies except her older sister, and I was thinking

it would still be normal. Her obvious popularity would therefore be a stiff barrier. I am really a careless

person. I should not have resorted on this and how many times do I have to remind myself. I won'tdisturb anymore and I would therefore simply act as a support and go on. And one more thing is that

she is an almost full-blooded Chinese, and she must adhere (if her parents were strict, and a large

chance that they really are) to their tradition of preserving the line of their ancestry thru marrying

another one with the same blood (oh dam. why Im talking about marriage?). That could be the reason

why I should not be falling in love with a Chinese, to which I had wished that the one I was pursuing then

is not one of them (but what I observe with the Chinese is their weird gestures, which could be

associated with that nursing stranger. I hope no - but I should continue this, whatever circumstances

are. I really sense something in her that is concurrent with mine).

If I could not find a girl and the mobs would be blurting on my face that of course, none would

match the criteria I am setting (and maybe I could not also pass to their criteria, too) except some fewmaidens in the countryside and more probably, the daughters of the sorcerers, then I should rather but

wait, and the thing is that I am just trying to retrieve some clues. I am trying not to indulge myself too

much. I am not even forcing a single one. On the littlest sense of their being hatred, I will immediately

leave the scene. If they hate me, then, they hate me. Dot, dot, dot. I will be powerless against that

feminine expression, though it will impart me an internal bleeding. If they would say that a girl needed

to have a lot of friends and a mass of fans, I already knew and I still have my reason and that would be

a battalion for her protection which I do not fully disagree. It might be more dangerous if she wont have

such an army on her guard and it is actually still a huge benefit for her for that would make her more

powerful, whilst I, I might be weak against that. No matter what, I would show my devotion to a

friendship of any kind as long as there is that God-stone trust and I will meaningfully live and die for it.

Some intimate person that could seed within my heart the Truth which elaborately interprets the

complexity of life, the wickedness of man, and the real purpose of the Living God for the world (LOL. I

think this is too much). I don't want to be this judgmental. And I dont even know their inner thoughts

and selves and I never wanted to say that though one is a socialite, they are totally out and I loathe

them, for I am not yet discovering them fully (not to the point that it would be too much or I am already

breaking through their top-secret zones) andyeahit is too early to earn the price. I have a family to

which I need to lay my handsmy mother, my little brother, and my father - and since we are still in a

poor state in the middle class, being drowned in our financial debts, I have the greatest responsibility to

compensate their hardworking deeds, coin on coin. Anyway, this heart is open to anyone if it would be


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just loyally reciprocated. I am not even searching and Im never a fisherman take note not even

searching; it is that this heart is the most delicate, the most unruly, the most inquisitive and the most

involuntary piece of flesh within me, as involuntary as I cannot control its beating. Like when the heart

falls, the entirety of the body including its most authoritative ones, which is the mind, is powerless and

helpless, as in like a flawless face rubbed on the sandpapered floor. In the past, this heart stupidly fell

captive because of mere charisma...and to someone who is closer in proximity and within the scope of

knowledge, yet now, it is not all about charisma, and I felt that I have become a bit more careful (should

I really think of this as being careful enough? If I have become this infatuated again? Stupid on these

things and happenings again? Could it be another trap and end up as a dizzy fool again?)...for she is a

lady from faraway, almost seemingly assuming that she is closer to these standards, and it is the first

time I become this curious on someone completely stranger to me. She was and would never be my

victim I vowed to be her benefactor, not an enraging predator. Oh. How many times do I have to

repeat? This heart - have that quality of being instantly absorbed into someone's mystery and is willing

to face any danger, like the one being so eager to travel places never known. And actually, I am also a

mystery according to most people around me. Isn't that a feeling of compatibility? huhu... In my dreams

again and again! But still - I still love this self and I still have the desire to discover myself on a fullest

wingI love being so free and so single. That is the real me. I am still my own world and I wont share

my half or wont find a half to fill my emptiness.

Therefore, I am instead but really supposed to waitand if - I am foreseeing that this waiting

would turn me into a decomposing skeleton, then, I should put everything in my past into an oblivion,

be it the greatest or the harshest moments and Idbetter set off alone, dream alone, sail alone, and

travel exquisite places alone - unknown, in majestic Mother Natures bosom - and it ends there, and I

don't care anymore. But not - if there is this hindrance - this tenacious problem - no...tell me she is not -

tell me yes - tell me no - oh. The wall of my logic is tearing down again. What magical sword would

defeat this craziness when this lady keeps beautifully and consistently puzzling me every time I see her

and what if I'm already a digested prey to my own heart, again? Oh. Why am I telling those nonsense

stories from the past uncovering the gullibility of my heart? Why am I writing these irrelevant essays? I

hope you do not judge me as a philanderer for I am not even attacking anyone of them. The letter. Theescape letter. If everything would appear extremely awkward after that handing, I would be forced to

hide and never show my face to that girl again. What a major, major turn-off. Well, I am well-known for

my stubbornness and lack of expertise. And this what I would be doing would resemble another fully

ridiculous farce. What a fountain of stupidity! But that letter, as you would know, was my last defense

and stronghold, to crush the insurmountable amounts of bonny chakra within. I have to seal that

powerful jutsu on the paper and release!! Give it to her right away with no hesitation if clandestine

operations would be impossible, and not for the sake of courtship, but to simply appreciate and adore.

I didnt know yet if I could break the curse after the said plan, for it was really intended as a

means of evasionit was the only thing that I felt that I could do. So immature. Give an adoration letter

then run away? Sorry for that. But if my parents are not so iron-handed, and if I feel generally happy,

prepared and optimistic about life for now, I could feel confident enough and trust myself and I could

have immersed myself into some solidly decided steps. This could be my first time to get out of my

comfort zone and try my best to appear as a fine young, grown-up fellow (LOL). I would resort into some

dangerous movestoo dangerous if she would forthrightly reject it or if she might have had a straight

tongue and against that first impression of her, she might have piercingly said that she already had

someone (logically, that is far from happening she might have one but not say it to other men in a

brief encounter and depends on the level or topic of talk). Well, if that could be done to me, never mind

and I actually have some masochistic tendencies which could dare to bear the puncture of the knife on


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the chest and I would make her see I would not be affected and would just smile normally and not as if

my smile would look twisted around the stake. And it would be when I would be walking away, that I

would feel the anesthesia wearing off.

Yesterday, I was not really in good shape and I was almost completely fractured on the day of

the most valuable subject (S. Mat.), moments after that stupid indecisionI didnt even know what had

crossed my mind whatever made me think to give up that crucial day. I went to school, bountifully

perspiring, and my mind was honestly making heaven-high hopping tantrums, and everything was

heartbreakingly remorseful like I was at the funeral. If my blockmates would have just seen that.

Facepalm and I almost ripped my face off. I said before No more procrastination!. No more. If my

blockmates would have have just really seen me, huh this heavily burdened face like the face of

some miser who just woefully lost in successive gambling sprees. I concealed it thru simply staring on

the window for a long time - seeing the skies redden as my forehead and I was feeling that I had myself

smashed in my own hands for not carrying out the plan. Because of such depression, I had forgotten to

memorize again the long, important formula that would make a salient score in the examination and

more than that, I had scarcely practiced within the remaining time before the exam on the problems

pertaining to that even just a single problem and would therefore turn my S. Mat book into a

worthless burden in my bag for not being opened and I had failed to have some last taste of reviewand recap of the concepts and procedures. I then took my seat - not in the much needed mood and just

bowed down while waiting for my impending doom in the examination. It had already been set into my

mind that that would be the last day that I could possibly see her that it would be the last timethe

ultimate hour and never the penultimatethe concluding hour of the grandest moment. It was like that

I cheated on myself. Almost the pain you take when you are cheated and betrayed. So idiotic. The

aforementioned episode significantly and stringently affected probably 40% of my performance in the

said exam, like I could not feel myself, and I felt so carefree and indifferent on whatever outcome the

exam would award me. Time after time, most of the time, my concentration was fluctuating and I felt so

baffled and my mind and spirit were in an unsolvable, absolute anarchy, singularly thinking that Id no

longer see her in these remaining, meager semestral days. I despised myself and absorbed and re-

absorbed some words like dumbass fool, dull-witted, foolish, for being such an indecisive coward. Iaccepted my fate in the exam. I answered two problems out of four, and both of those that I had

answered were not even fully sure. I still have to believe that I would pass the entire S. Mat. course

because fortunately, I was greatly compensated by my high quiz scores. If that had not become possible

and with such an incidental mood in this day, I will repeat the course in summer and waste large

currency and some days of joy.

The letter remained kept, inside the florally-designed Chinese cash envelope clipped into one of

my books (mainly the Plumbing book). Yesterday, while walking home after the scheduled time of the

Final Examinations in S. Mat., I had shown the envelope to my blockmate (all right, he is someone who

know something about my attachment to the said stranger, for Ive told him about her several times

(and he havent seen her yet for Id no evidence to show) and I wish he was not feeling annoyed of my

repeated word of mouth) in a jiffy (brought it up quickly and then returned it back swiftly to the

backpack (should have called it a frontpack because I was carrying it the other way around)) while telling

him that I had relinquished that day and I was vowing to give it to her tomorrow (May 13) at any instant

that I would see her.

I still wanted to hope. I reprogrammed myself and I forcefully reminded myself that Time was

still ticking down for me in this particular epoch for us swans, especially me. I was not yet done. Time

would still give it to me. I still have to wait. It was this day, May 13, no matter what it meant to me, like


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May 13 be an omen on your way. So confusing because the number 13 is famous for the misfortune

it brings according to most hearsays and legends and only a bit that it could be heard of its positive

meaning. I dont want to believe in superstition or numerology anyway. I should break the limits and

believe that numbers are just plain numbers that you count, and I would just do the math and not peek

on the cards. This would be just another day and I was prepared to tolerate anything, be it a heavenly

merriment or an agonizing torment.

I still performed the routine. Luckily, the examination this day would have been a light one and I

felt satisfied on my studying last evening though I carried that fresh, heavy heartache. This day therefore

would be the most suitable day for this foolish idea that was still yet to be done. I waited on the same

spot again at the usual time and broke my mainstream belief that it is only on Tuesday that I could see

her land on this place on that specific time in the morning. I might have missed her on those other days.

Maybe, my eyes or my other senses are only superbly or inherently sensitive on Tuesday, thats why I

usually see her on that day. But the universitys final examinations week is still ongoing and she might

have had a different schedule be it sooner or later in the late morning or at noon or in the afternoon. I

didnteven want to think of that and it had been a must to believe that it was not yet too late.

I almost pretended that I was focusing on what I was reading and studying (still the Plumbingbook. So many terms, graphics, concepts and problem solving that would normally take me a week to

finish. But I have been already lacking time so I read or scan the book almost all the time to adjust. I

began studying the book on the way to school yesterday. The final exam on the subject will be on

Saturday). I heightened my senses on some lofty degree and not take every second for granted like what

I did in most of the past days. Like I only read two average sentences within ten minutes, as I was mainly

looking sidewise and looking there and here and toward all direction every now and then, in the midst

of the calm morning in the city jungle. For short, I couldntfully focus on what I was studying which was

a sore need for this day and for the sake of the remaining days. I was fooling myself again. She is more of

a sorer need.

Yeah. Almost every day. Since those waning days of April until its emergency intensification inMay. And it has been almost my morning pattern. To wait there until I see her. The almost, sedentary

pedicab drivers or barkers and other people who are frequent on the place might have been bewildered

by these repeated actions of mine. Several jeepneys and Fxs have already pulled over and they might

have probably wondered why I am not yet boarding, and I am always seen there, standing with my

frontpack like Im pregnant when Im in a silhouette, staying put or pacing back and forth along the edge

of the road in some time intervals, and on some very few occasions, I am waiting for a maximum of

20/25 minutes. Sometimes, I would be the only student, awkwardly standing alone and is already

explicitly bold in everyones eyes the eyes of the vehicular crowd - like those from the passengers who

are constantly sticking their heads on the windows of their moving vehicles - those other vehicles (e.g.

buses etc.) passing by the hearts famed place. They might be asking themselves as they are journeying

daily and passing by the place "Shit, who is that nerd over there? Why am I seeing him all over and over

again", for I am frequently reading something while waiting by the side of the road. I must not care

about all those and just remain aimed on my goal, whether they mind or don't mind about what I am

doing there. It is nonsense to think of what other people are thinking, particularly if you are not even

doing anything wrong. When I am not reading, either I am merely standing there, doing nothing or

observing things around, or I am standing there while listening to my music via earphones (my main

musical obsession within the whole semester are the songs of Michelle Branch. I made some of her

songs as the background of my feeling for that mysterious lady, especially the songs Desperately, Id

Rather Be in Love, Breathe and Something to Sleep To. For the entire semester, I have been repeatedly


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playing those songs with not a single sign of satiety, almost every day, and while playing those songs, I

have been fantasizing ideal moments when I would be hers.) thus, burying the sounds of the busy world.

But it will not be long that I will be alone because there will be a new batch of students waiting for some

vehicles to board and so on. There are several jeepneys that I skip which are going thru Quiapo, then to

Espaa or Laon Laan (all right, new knowledge. Laon Laan and Dapitan are both connected by that

narrow street that Im walking thru, and that street as I had lately browsed could have been Antonio St.)

and thus, will lead me to that concurrent destination. Long enough is my time of waiting in almost every

routine and those people may be already scratching their heads, thinking that I might be the craziest

person they've seen. I just wish they dont care, and how many times do I have to say that I dont mind

what are in their minds? I am actually feeling that they do and it therefore ceases my anxiety.

In an absolute desperation, I waited for minutes. I had a frontpack for a meantime. With the

occasion almost mimicking that of April 28, there! I saw her on some distance to my left and she just

went down from a jeepney. Automatically, I returned my book in my frontpack and then I turned my

frontpack into a backpack. She paced a bit to the right while I paced nearer to her until I already had

some distance (approx. 5 ft.) abaft her but at some angle to her right. Had she seen me? Had she sensed

me near? That should be a test to her senses. But I knew she didn't look back and at her sides and I saw

that. She was consistently facing the road. But why did I have this feeling that she saw me? Shedisplayed a dignified gesture like that of a seorita - her arms crossing each other at the chest level and

her right foot forward. Had she really seen me? I knew she didn't. The gesture, though it was really a

beautiful one, also coincidentally seemed to suggest some warning against me. I didn't know if I have to

feel like that. But I was thinking again, if it would be timely to hand the letter. There was a time span

when I felt that we were the only two standing and waiting (I didnt really know if at that time she

already had felt me near). Stagnant we were where we stood. I was still behind her, and was still

hesitant whether to hand the note or not and surprise her with a positive effect. I was thinking of some

ways on how to approach her, how to hand the note that would positively stir her hormones. That

would have been one of the chanceswonderful chance for the day and I should remind myself all over

and over again that this would be the ultimate day and probably no more next time or strictly no more

other day but todaybut after that I should be the one to initiate the conversation just in case I decidedto come with her in a journey to school. Well, that could be so hard for me because I was not in the

mood to do that and I was on a general state of terribly worrying of my fate in the hands of the bloody

semester. And most of all, I have not experienced any informal conversations with women. I never have

become close to my female relatives particularly my cousins, so for short, I am but an empty coconut

when it comes to such things. Not people smart, nor witty my brain gradually crashes upon such

events. I even never opened up to my mother who is always at home because of my thinking that it

might be also awkward. I always have a hard time associating myself with the females. Anxiety predates

my heart upon communication with them this is such a congenital plague of my psychology. I decided

not to continue the plan for the meantime and I just thought of a clutch shot on the last leg of the

journey. Instead of that first thing in mind, I ventured into my second idea. I dared to capture an image

of her thru my phone camera, and I successfully did, but it was just her rear view being caught

(successful?) because I had a limited scope for there were already other waiters nearby. My real

preference was a shot on the side or right in the front (which actually needs a skillful stealth) but for

now, Chance seemed that it would not allow me and I would have dyingly needed to be intrepid amid

the public and even in front of her to perform it. I really needed to capture just a bit of her face because

I could not easily memorize it. I successfully captured an image, but not the normal one which I truly

needed. Like even inside the vehicle. I was never seated face to face with her in a jeepney. One time, she

had been on the opposite bench, but at some farther spot, and therefore wiped out a probability of a

stealthy shot and it was still in public and if I were brave to do it, the public would disgust me in return. I


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could probably have a bit of spine if I were seated beside the elderly people. I already had the living

fossil as a proof whenever my blockmate would want to see it, but he would never know the face. I just

had to see the clarity of the image when I would be already home, because the display brightness of my

phone was at its minimum and the light of the surroundings outshone it.

But what was this I was sensing? The greater truth that I had perceived was t

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