School Counselling Parent Presentations(Gitte Moody/School Counsellor/June 2014)

Onward and Upward

Supporting Children with Moving

An observation on moving

"I wonder why it feels the same every time. Feels like I leave behind a little bit of who I was in each house we've left empty. Scattering pieces of me in towns all over the place. A trail of crumbs dotting the map from everywhere we've left to everywhere we go. And they don't make any pictures when I connect dots. They are random like the stars littering the sky at night.”

An observation on moving

"Maybe the hardest thing about moving over seas was being in a place where no one but your own family had any memory of you. It was like putting yourself back together in little pieces"

We are moving!

Because:

Choice/necessity

Transfer/ new job

Change in family life

Can feel:

Challenging and exciting !

Challenging and frightening .....

Looking at

1. The psychological impact of moving

2. Strategies to support the moving experience

The psychological experience of being a global nomad

Advantages Building knowledge and confidence way beyond

the curriculum

Gaining first hand experience of the world

Developing higher order social skills through exposure to range of social experiences

Learning to tolerate and understand human difference

Developing strong life-coping skills and resilience

Disadvantages

Regular and repetitive loss of friends

Loss of extended family

Lack of roots and sense of home

Transient friendships

Feeling of not 'fitting in'

A definition of loss

“When you are standing

in that forest of sorrow, you

cannot imagine that you could

ever find your way to a better place."

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Common losses associated with moving

Home

Personal history

Lifestyle

Relationships

Pets

Role models

Familiarity

Identity

Common responses to experience of loss

Numbness

Don't care attitude

Anger

Regression – bed-wetting, thumb sucking, sibling rivalry

Depression

Rebellion

Sadness

Supporting experience of loss

Anticipate

Acknowledge

Be available

Permissive with feelings, strict with limits

Have support for yourself so you are able to offer support

Age Matters

Infants

School-age

Teenagers

Toddlers

Not able to understand the meaning of the move or complex explanations.

Affected more by the reactions and availability of their caretakers.

Ease the transition with the predictable - keep to a routine with familiar things and people

Try and avoid making other changes at the same time as the move, such as toilet training or transfer to a new bed

School-age Children

More likely to be concerned about fitting in with new peers and dealing with different academic demands.

Their general personality and social style may influence their ease in adjustment.

Sometimes better able to tolerate the new kid jitters if a sibling will be at the same school.

Teenagers

Teens more able to understand the nuances of the decision to move, but may also be resistant to change.

Teen years are a time for establishing important relationships outside of the family. Might feel the move threatens their evolving identity.

The move can be disruptive to the stability they have already established with a core group of friends or with an athletic or academic path they are pursuing.

Supporting the Process

Things to do before the move

Things to do during the move

Things to do after the move

Before the move

How much is timing in your control?

Inevitable versus flexibility?

Postpone or avoid a move at certain transitional times - exam periods, ending a school year or immediately following a divorce.

Starting fresh at calendar points when change typically happens

Timing not ideal? Options to ease the strain, arrangements to support exam students - staying on with friends or relatives.

During the move It can be tempting to literally "clean house" and discard old toys

and unused articles. But do this gingerly; the loss of material things may overwhelm some children. Better to help them sort out the bulk of their things once they've moved in and when they can feel more in control of their new environment.

For young children and toddlers, put their furniture on the moving van last so that it is first to unload.

This will help orient them quickly to the new surroundings.

Have children of all ages pack a bag of essential, favourite, "can't live without" things to keep with them at all times.

Try to get the children’s rooms in order before the rest of the house.

After the move

Time to attend to school, social and family life

Connections to new neighbourhood - groups, societies, community, networks for parents

For children - sports clubs, youth groups,

CommunicationKeep children/young people updated

Children and young people thrive on stability and routine - the more you can keep them informed - the less anxious they will be

Monitor your own feelings - children are very attuned to their care-givers and will pick up on cues

Be honest

Involve Children

Give them simple, not overwhelming, tasks to perform.

Involving children will help them feel ownership of the moving process.

Rituals to mark endings and beginnings

Souvenirs

Names on a tee-shirt

Album of memories

Collage of photos

Book of comments and messages from friends

Finally

Remember for nomadic children “home is where the heart is”. Family needs to be

Anchor

Constant

Consistent

Reliable

And for those of you who are planning an imminent move - the words of an Irish blessing

“May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, may your God hold you in the hollow of his hand.”