“FLATULENCE”

SCREENPLAY

COMEDY

On the verge of bankruptcy, a gastroenterologist finds

unexpected success in ridding an English city of flatulence

and clumsy dating experiences, by improving gaseous control

for his patients.

Precarious situations in this comedy begin with Dr. Simon

Bailey’s financial desperation to get a large grant to fund

his medical operations. Dr. Bailey meets Nigel Hobbs, a

patient suffering from chronic flatulence, who is the first

to receive unexpected benefits from Dr. Bailey’s treatment.

The city begins to take notice of Dr. Bailey’s unplanned

success and prods him for information about the secret

formula for fart control. Ms. Osbourne, Dr. Bailey’s

nursing assistant, becomes agitated with the change in

atmosphere and significant increase in patient population,

frustrated with patients’ foul odor. In the meantime, Dr.

Sullivan, an aristocrat, heading an elite grant board,

interferes with Dr. Bailey’s quest to get the grant.

This screenplay is intended for all audiences over the age

of 13.

The following 25 pages are a sample of the screenplay. A

synopsis and a complete 89 page screenplay will be

available at www.inktip.com in September 2015.

James Patrick is my “pen” name. I, Patrick Garbart, am the

author of this screenplay.

FLATULENCE

by Patrick Garbart

INT. TRAIN STATION – DAY

NIGEL HOBBS, in his 50s, is moving through a crowded train

station lobby in an English city.

DR. SIMON BAILEY (V.O.)

I didn’t realize it yet, but that

man would forever change my life.

His name is Nigel Hobbs. His

manners were, to say nicely, a

little clumsy. His personality was

overshadowed by an embarrassing

weakness. Some call it breaking

wind. An aristocrat would say Nigel

had unfortunate accidents. If I

were a scientist, I might say he

had excessive gas. Most of the

world would see Nigel as a fart

monster. I really don’t like to

make fun of anyone, especially

because I’m a doctor, but there was

no escaping the truth, Nigel had

major issues. Fortunately, there

was hope for Nigel. And ironically,

he was, and still is, my savior.

Nigel, sweating, is walking briskly through the train

station in the hopes of finding a restroom. He struggles

with the crowd, bumping into several people.

NIGEL

Excuse me. Excuse me.

A CITIZEN gets irate when Nigel bumps into him.

CITIZEN

Watch where you’re going!

NIGEL

So sorry.

A LITTLE GIRL notices Nigel. She tugs on her mother’s arm.

LITTLE GIRL

Mommy, what’s that funny man doing?

2

The girl uses her fingers to close her nostrils.

LITTLE GIRL

And oh, he smells very bad! He

might be a dog in disguise.

Nigel continues struggling to get to a restroom. More

people arrive to the train station. Nigel accidently bumps

into another person, who then bumps a man, causing him to

trip over a mop bucket. The tripping man falls on top of a

LADY who is sitting down. The man’s head accidently lands

in the lady’s bosom.

LADY

You pervert!

The lady SMACKS the tripping man with her purse. Farther

away, a group of onlookers smell Nigel and show their

displeasure. LADY #2 rushes toward a POLICE OFFICER.

LADY #2

(pointing to Nigel)

Constable! Arrest that man!

POLICE OFFICER

What’s the problem madam?

LADY #2

That man is farting. It’s terrible!

A second police officer approaches.

POLICE OFFICER

Arrest him for farting?

The police officers look at each other and LAUGH.

LADY #2

Just like a man!

Nigel locates a men’s restroom.

INT. MEN’S RESTROOM – DAY

3

Nigel rushes to a restroom stall. He relieves himself.

Nigel hears GRUNTING from GENTLEMAN #1 and GENTLEMAN #2 in

the stalls next to him.

GENTLEMAN #1

(grunting in a separate stall)

UHHHHHHH!

Nigel makes a funny expression.

GENTLEMAN #2

(grunting in another stall)

UHHHHHHHHHH!

Nigel repeats his expression.

GENTLEMAN #1

I would fancy a solution.

GENTLEMAN #2

Try a different diet.

GENTLEMAN#1

I’ve been back and forth with that.

GENTLEMAN #2

Maybe you have someone at home

giving you stress?

The gentlemen both LAUGH. They continue FARTING. Nigel

listens carefully, making funny expressions.

GENTLEMAN #1

It’s a man’s right to let it out.

The gentlemen LAUGH again. Nigel gets so excited from their

laughter that he makes the LOUDEST FART of all. All is

SILENT now. Slowly, two heads appear over the top of

Nigel’s stall. Nigel looks puzzled and concerned. One of

the gentlemen hands Nigel a business card from above the

stall. Nigel reaches to get the card slowly. It reads

“Dr. Bailey, Proctologist”.

GENTLEMAN #2

You need this more than we do.

4

Nigel is unsure what to do next. The two gentlemen wash

their hands and leave. Nigel smells the card to make sure

it is clean. Nigel finishes up, WASHES his hands, and looks

at the card. An older GENTLEMAN approaches the area.

GENTLEMAN

Whew! This place is unfit for

relieving your bowels!

The older gentleman turns to Nigel.

GENTLEMAN

Did you do this young man?

NIGEL

Not all of it sir.

The gentleman opens every stall and demonstrates his

displeasure with the smell, while Nigel reviews the

business card again. Nigel then exits the restroom.

INT. TRAIN STATION - DAY

Nigel now has a big grin on his face, anticipating a visit

to the doctor’s office. He gets so excited he lets out a

LOUD FART by accident in the presence of the crowd.

Onlookers look at Nigel in disgust. Nigel leaves.

INT. LOBBY - DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY

Nigel is sitting in the lobby area, alone. MS. OSBOURNE, a

mean-looking, husky, American nursing assistant, in her

40s, is looking at Nigel with a serious stare. Nigel tries

not to exchange glances with Ms. Osbourne. Nigel picks up a

few magazines and reviews them, trying to avoid making eye

contact with Ms. Osbourne. Ms. Osbourne continues staring.

MS. OSBOURNE

You do have identification don’t

you? I am not going to fill out any

special forms, especially today.

NIGEL

(hesitating)

Yes. I have identification.

5

Nigel gets up from the sofa and walks slowly toward Ms.

Osbourne. Nigel carefully hands Ms. Osbourne an

identification card. Ms. Osbourne reviews the card.

MS. OSBOURNE

This is not a drivers license and I

don’t recognize this type of card.

Are you trying to pull something?

NIGEL

No ma’am.

Nigel becomes increasingly nervous and starts to sweat.

Nigel moves back to the sofa and tries to relax by FLIPPING

PAGES of a magazine. Ms. Osbourne continues to stare.

MS. OSBOURNE

The doctor is ready to see you.

I’ll be checking on your

identification. It better check

out. If not, I’m going to find you!

Nigel wipes his forehead before entering.

INT. EXAM ROOM – DAY

Nigel shakes hands with DR. SIMON BAILEY, a handsome

English gentleman in his 50s.

DR. BAILEY

What can I do for you today?

NIGEL

Well, I have sort of a problem.

DR. BAILEY

That’s what I’m here for.

Dr. Bailey smiles.

NIGEL

I tend to break wind.

DR. BAILEY

You break what?

6

NIGEL

My wind.

DR. BAILEY

I’m not a scientist. I’m a doctor.

NIGEL

I came to you because I smell bad.

DR. BAILEY

Are we talking about body odor?

NIGEL

No, doctor. My farts smell very

bad. I fart a lot. Even when I try

not to, like on a date.

DR. BAILEY

Oh my. Yes, I see now. We can’t have

you smelling bad on a date, now can

we? Let’s have a look at you.

NIGEL

A look at me, or my buttocks?

DR. BAILEY

No. Your buttocks are not important

to me. They might be for a lady who

is walking down the street checking

you out. I will need to check out

your rectal cavity.

NIGEL

Doctor, I thought I could only have

cavities in my teeth.

Dr. Albright shows irritation and motions for Nigel to drop

his pants. Nigel drops his pants, bends over, and frowns,

looking in all directions as Dr. Bailey conducts his

examination. Dr. Bailey finishes. Nigel gets up slowly, and

secures his pants.

NIGEL

I was referred to you by a few

gentlemen in a restroom.

7

DR. BAILEY

Ah yes. It is good to know that my

cards are going out to the general

public, especially in restrooms.

I will wake up every morning knowing

that people are thinking of me while

relieving themselves. Well, I think

we need to do a few tests, including

getting a culture.

NIGEL

A culture?

DR. BAILEY

I can see you are not familiar with

these technical terms. I need to

take a sample, of your stool please.

NIGEL

You want me on a stool?

DR. BAILEY

Noooo! I need a sample of your poop.

NIGEL

You want it now?

DR. BAILEY

No, not now! Ms. Osbourne will give

you a kit and you’ll take the sample

yourself. At home! Not here!

Dr. Bailey is relieved about getting that point across.

MS. OSBOURNE

This isn’t proper identification?

Wait until I see him!

Nigel lets out a LOUD FART.

NIGEL

Sorry. I fart when I’m stressed.

8

DR. BAILEY

Yes. I can see what you mean.

Ms. Osbourne makes many people

stressed, but they don’t fart in

front of her. Well, I hope for

their sakes, they don’t.

Nigel smiles.

NIGEL

I guess I better not fart in the

lobby area then.

DR. BAILEY

No. I think it would be a good

idea not to. In fact, spend the

least amount of time possible in

the lobby area. Just stick with

the basics, entering the door,

walking by the front office area,

those kinds of things.

NIGEL

What if I have to fart while I’m

waiting to see you?

DR. BAILEY

Well, as you found out already, my

lobby area usually doesn’t get very

busy. But, if you are waiting to

be seen, and have to let it out, I

suggest making a run for the

restroom. Ms. Osbourne will respect

you for it, until you come out of

the restroom. In fact, it might be

a good idea to stay in the restroom

until I’m able to see you.

Nigel frowns.

NIGEL

That doesn’t make me feel better.

INT. LOBBY/FRONT OFFICE AREA - DAY

Dr. Bailey enters the front office area.

9

MS. OSBOURNE

Doctor, you have to go to that

meeting soon. Are you coming back,

or do I have to fend for myself?

DR. BAILEY

Yes, I will be coming back after the

meeting. For what, I have no idea.

Who do we have on the schedule?

MS. OSBOURNE

We’ll be lucky if the phone rings.

DR. BAILEY

I am convincing myself that is why

I need to go to the meeting.

MS. OSBOURNE

What’s the point?

DR. BAILEY

One million pounds and a new

research facility.

Ms. Osbourne raises her eyebrows.

MS. OSBOURNE

A million pounds? Can I sign up for

this grant? Oh, by the way doc, you

need to watch out for that Dr.

Sullivan. I hear he’s a real snake.

DR. BAILEY

He eats women and children too.

MS. OSBOURNE

That wasn’t funny.

INT. BOARD ROOM – DAY

Dr. Bailey is sitting at the end of a long table. Well-

groomed, English ladies and gentlemen, all wearing white

coats, are sitting at the same table. DR. SULLIVAN is

sitting in the middle, opposite Dr. Bailey. Dr. Bailey is

nervous for his interview.

10

DR. SULLIVAN

Dr. Bailey, we appreciate your

willingness to pursue getting a

grant for your project. But this

board is not easily won over by

simple graphs and studies. You must

present a thorough study which

highlights your success. At first,

I was unsure about even having your

proposal make it to our board. We

usually like to participate in

cutting edge technology and

results-driven medical plans, with

a few results-oriented metrics.

DR. BAILEY

Thank you. I appreciate your

insight. I came to you today to

emphasize my dedication towards

demonstrating the concepts in my

study. On August 4th, I will be

conducting a presentation to the

local medical society. There, I

will release my findings for my

study. I hope you will come.

DR. ELLIOTT looks at Dr. Bailey.

DR. ELLIOTT

We’ve decided to accept your

invitation Dr. Bailey.

Dr. Bailey smiles.

DR. ELLIOTT

On August 4th, you must be able to

convince us that your project is

worth funding. I’m not sure if you

are aware of this or not, but there

are many competitors out there

trying to get our grant funding.

We are interested in your project

Dr. Bailey. Now, it will be time

for you to show us your success.

If not, we will have to consider

awarding the grant to someone else.

11

DR. BAILEY

Thank you for your patience, and

this opportunity. I promise you

will not be disappointed.

Dr. Bailey feels something in his coat pocket and pulls it

out. It is Nigel’s stool kit, with a note: “Doctor, I took

the liberty of using your office to get my stool. Here it

is”. Dr. Bailey is frightened by this surprise and

accidently DROPS the stool kit on the table.

DR. SULLIVAN

Dr. Bailey, is that gum?

DR. BAILEY

Uh…yes.

DR. SULLIVAN

Is it okay if I have a piece?

DR. BAILEY

You want a piece of ……gum?

Dr. Elliott reaches for the stool kit, not paying attention

to the note, or outside of the container. He OPENS the

package and takes out a discolored substance.

DR. ELLIOTT

It’s a different type of gum.

Dr. Elliott reaches over to give Dr. Sullivan the piece of

stool and accidently drops it into Dr. Sullivan’s glass of

water. The water starts to FIZZLE. Dr. Bailey begins

sweating. Dr. Sullivan is agitated at his colleague.

DR. ELLIOTT

Here, let me get you another glass

of water. It’s the least I can do.

DR. SULLIVAN

Quite alright. Should be minty now.

Dr. Sullivan drinks the water. Dr. Bailey squints.

12

DR. SULLIVAN

It has a different type of taste

than mint. Do you like your gum

Dr. Bailey?

DR. BAILEY

Yes, quite. I smell it……I mean

use it all the time.

DR. ELLIOTT

Thank you for coming Dr. Bailey.

We will see you on August 4th.

Dr. Bailey wipes his forehead with a handkerchief.

DR. BAILEY

Thank you for this opportunity.

Sorry about the water.

Dr. Bailey gets up and exits the board room quickly.

INT. DR. BAILEY’S HOME – BEDROOM - NIGHT

After Dr. Bailey puts on his pajamas, he notices MRS.

BAILEY lying down preparing to go to sleep.

MRS. BAILEY

How was your day love? How many

butts did you see today?

Mrs. Bailey CHUCKLES.

DR. BAILEY

I didn’t see butts. I saw buttheads,

in a meaningful sense of course.

MRS. BAILEY

Now, now. It can’t be that bad.

The Grant Review Board must know

how hard you’re working to get the

funding. You’ve been interviewed by

tough doctors before. You can get

through this.

DR. BAILEY

These aren’t your normal doctors.

13

MRS. BAILEY

How so?

DR. BAILEY

Imagine yourself in front of five

snobbish, elitist physicians,

drowning you in a sea of performance

metrics of which you have no

knowledge. I think their sole

purpose was to have me feed their

enormous egos and tell me how much

of a snob I wasn’t. At the end, one

of them drank hideous minty water.

MRS. BAILEY

Minty water?

DR. BAILEY

Never mind.

MRS. BAILEY

Why do you need them so much?

DR. BAILEY

I need their money, because I have

none. I never thought I’d be a poor

doctor, or close to poor. I went to

school, graduated, and took on an

enormous amount of debt. And now

I’m seeing lots of rectal cavities.

I keep saying to myself that it is

not supposed to work this way.

MRS. BAILEY

Are you poor with me? It can’t be

all that bad.

DR. BAILEY

Yes. You are right my dear. I am

so very glad we started a life

together. However poor we are, I

will always find the time to love

you, while I’m dreaming of having

more money.

Mrs. Bailey CHUCKLES.

14

MRS. BAILEY

At least I don’t fart.

DR. BAILEY

Quite right. And I don’t mind

looking at your bottom, in the

non-medical sense that is.

Mrs. Bailey smiles again and turns over. Dr. Bailey smiles

and faces the wall. He turns off the light.

INT. NIGEL’S HOME – BATHROOM - NIGHT

Nigel is at home in his bathroom, shaving. Nigel buttons

his shirt. He then uses mouthwash SWISHING it back and

forth in an exaggerated manner. He accidently SPITS the

mouthwash on his pants.

NIGEL

Damn!

Nigel wipes his pants with a towel. It doesn’t work. He

turns on a HAIR DRYER and waves it on his pants.

NIGEL

Just a little more and it should be

nice and dry. I need to hurry so I

won’t be late for my blind date.

One of his faucets becomes disconnected and SQUIRTS water

on his face. He DROPS the hair dryer, grabs a towel, places

the towel on his face, and then trips backward, causing

some items to fall off the wall and HIT THE GROUND.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Nigel is sitting at a table in a café waiting for his blind

date. He sees her and slowly gets up cautiously, trying not

to fart. He grimaces. A lady named MARY approaches Nigel

and extends her hand to greet him.

MARY

Hello. Are you Nigel? I’m Mary.

Nigel smiles and shakes Mary’s hand.

15

NIGEL

The pleasure is mine.

The two sit down.

MARY

Have you been on a blind date before?

NIGEL

I’ve been on a few dates.

MARY

How are you coming along?

NIGEL

I’ve met nice people with the most

peculiar habits.

Nigel gets nervous as he smells someone else who farted.

MARY

Whew! Where did that come from?

NIGEL

Where did what come from?

MARY

You know.

NIGEL

A smell………from the kitchen?

MARY

I hope they aren’t making that type

of thing from the kitchen.

NIGEL

Right.

INT. RESTAURANT – LATER

Mary and Nigel stand up.

MARY

It would be groovy to see you again.

Care for another try?

16

NIGEL

Oh definitely. It has been a

pleasure. I look forward to seeing

you again.

MARY

Great. Let’s plan another date.

EXT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

The two go on their separate ways and leave the restaurant.

Nigel has a big smile on his face. As he is walking across

the street, Nigel FARTS LOUD. Nobody notices.

NIGEL

Whoooo. That was close. Almost on

a whole date without one fart. I’m

not quite up to par. I need to see

the doctor again. I wonder, who

that was who farted near the table?

Could that have been Mary?

INT. LOBBY/FRONT OFFICE AREA – DAY

Nigel enters Dr. Bailey’s lobby area. Nigel walks carefully

to the front office area and signs in. Ms. Osbourne stares

at Nigel. Nigel immediately heads for the restroom. Ms.

Osbourne presses the button to the intercom.

MS. OSBOURNE

You have a man in the restroom ready

to see you doc.

DR. BAILEY

(on intercom)

I don’t see men in restrooms, except

when I relieve myself. Since I’m not

using the restroom, I should not be

seeing any man who needs to use the

restroom.

MS. OSBOURNE

It’s that man who was stinking up the

lobby area the other day!

17

DR. BAILEY

Oh yes. That man. Well, tell him

I will see him in a few minutes, not

in the restroom, in my exam room.

MS. OSBOURNE

I’m not going in the restroom while

he’s in there!

DR. BAILEY

Well, can’t you write him a small

note and shove it under the door?

Didn’t you used to write small notes

to boys in school?

MS. OSBOURNE

Doc, I never wrote stupid boys any

notes in school, and never will!

DR. BAILEY

Alright. There must be some way of

telling him to wait a few minutes.

Ms. Osbourne gets irate, heads towards the restroom, and

then BANGS on the door.

MS. OSBOURNE

The doc will see you now!

A LOUD FART is heard from within the restroom.

MS. OSBOURNE

You better not come in the lobby

doing that!

Nigel exits the restroom and races towards the exam room.

INT. DR. BAILEY’S EXAM ROOM – DAY

Dr. Bailey allows Nigel to catch his breath.

DR. BAILEY

Mr. Hobbs, before we start, I was

wondering when you were going to

tell me that you had left a stool

kit in my coat pocket. My pockets

are not designed to hold stool kits.

18

NIGEL

Quite right. I’m sorry doctor, I

had to go to the bathroom real quick

and decided then was the best time.

I had lots of trouble. Boy, was it

coming out……

DR. BAILEY

All right! I get the picture. So

have you followed the exercises?

NIGEL

Yes doctor. They are working. I’m

amazed at how such a simple

change in habits could do so much.

DR. BAILEY

Well your tests came out normal for

the most part. The only thing I can

say is that you have an excessive

build-up of gas. But you don’t need

me to tell you that. You do seem to

have irregular bowel movements.

NIGEL

My bowels don’t move doctor except

when I poop.

DR. BAILEY

Yes, I realize that! I’m speaking

of how fast your bowels move inside

of you, from the time the stool is

created until the time you discharge

it from your body.

NIGEL

I wouldn’t know doctor. I don’t

time my poop.

DR. BAILEY

Never mind! What types of food are

you eating?

NIGEL

Anything that tastes good I guess.

19

DR. BAILEY

That doesn’t sound promising. Are

you having improvements with your

dating experiences?

Nigel smiles.

NIGEL

Most definitely doctor. I have

been able to defer my flatulence.

Last night was the first time I was

able to survive an entire date

without any occurrences, until I got

to the street. I couldn’t hold it

off for an entire night. But your

methods are very successful.

DR. BAILEY

If they are that successful then I

would hope that they could work for

a lot of people. I guess we need

to try and extend the time period

of your success. Let’s try working

on your diet.

NIGEL

Here is an idea doctor. What if I

were to be your marketer-telling

lots of people of your success?

Would you hire me as an employee?

Dr. Bailey raises his eyebrows.

DR. BAILEY

So you want to work with Ms.

Osbourne do you?

Nigel stops smiling.

NIGEL

I see your point.

20

DR. BAILEY

Many people have worked with Ms.

Osbourne, only to quit the first

day. I think maybe one survived

two days if you could consider a

sick day as a work day.

INT. LOBBY/FRONT OFFICE AREA - DAY

Dr. Bailey and Nigel head out to the front office area.

Dr. Bailey points to a chair next to Ms. Osbourne.

DR. BAILEY

Maybe one day you could be sitting

in this chair.

MS. OSBOURNE

(looking at Nigel)

I better not catch you trying to put

a stool kit in my pockets! It will

be returned to you immediately.

And I don’t mean handed to you!

Cautiously, Nigel backs up and exits the facility.

INT. DR. BAILEY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Dr. Bailey changes his clothes and walks toward his bed.

Mrs. Bailey is lying down in bed.

MRS. BAILEY

Was your day the same?

DR. BAILEY

Amazingly, it wasn’t. One of my

patients is having success with my

new treatment. Apparently, he went

on a date without farting.

Mrs. Bailey bursts out in LAUGHTER.

DR. BAILEY

Why is that so funny?

21

MRS. BAILEY

Do men really have that much trouble

with dates? I mean trying not to

fart on a date?

Mrs. Bailey LAUGHS more.

DR. BAILEY

It is a very serious problem. Men

can sweat profusely trying to

prevent passing gas in front of

their dream date. Although I’m not

sure what the bigger problem is,

making a clumsy loud noise, or

releasing hideous odor. You can

rest assure that I did not have

that problem when I started dating

you.

MRS. BAILEY

You can’t be serious! I remember

on one occasion, quite vividly, how

you were trying to change subjects

when a familiar smell started to

spread through the restaurant.

DR. BAILEY

I don’t quite remember it that way.

There were many male waiters there.

I believe all of them passed by with

their bottoms in the immediate

vicinity of our table. It could

have been any one of them.

Mrs. Bailey LAUGHS.

MRS. BAILEY

You’re going to blame that smell on

the wait staff?

DR. BAILEY

There were some female wait staff

close by too.

Dr. Bailey goes into the bathroom and retrieves a tube of

toothpaste. It is nearly empty. He WRESTLES with it.

22

DR. BAILEY

Honey, is there any more toothpaste?

MRS. BAILEY

No. I’m sorry. I barely had enough

money to get food. I’m using the

rest of the money to prevent

eviction. I will try to get some

more toothpaste soon.

Dr. Bailey grimaces.

DR. BAILEY

Oh no! I have to use that hideous

baking soda on my teeth? I’d rather

swallow leeches and let them suck

on my innards. Well, are we out of

anything else?

MRS. BAILEY

Yes.

DR. BAILEY

Well then, what else?

MRS. BAILEY

Everything else except food.

DR. BAILEY

So I won’t find out about the

surprise of not having something

until I need it?

MRS. BAILEY

Yes, kind of like smelling a

surprise when you’re dating.

Mrs. Bailey CHUCKLES.

DR. BAILEY

I can see you are not going to let

me live that one down.

MRS. BAILEY

Good night love.

23

DR. BAILEY

Good night.

Dr. Bailey walks to a small desk and sits down. He turns on

a light, which shines on some envelopes addressed to him.

He opens the envelopes one at a time. They are all facility

bills. One of them is a threat for eviction and reads “2nd

overdue notice”. “One more notice will require legal action

from the property owner.” Dr. Bailey looks away with an

expressionless face and recalls a previous conversation

with a colleague.

INT. MEMORY – DAY

A COLLEAGUE from the past, speaks to Dr. Bailey.

COLLEAGUE

Simon, you can’t keep up this way.

Get more patients!

DR. BAILEY

How do I do that?

COLLEAGUE

Well, for one thing, you need a

marketing expert. Have you ever

tried hiring a professional?

DR. BAILEY

You mean somebody I pay to tell me

that I’m doing a lousy job? I can

do that myself.

COLLEAGUE

I’m serious! A marketing consultant

will help you change your business.

The person should be able to give

you new ideas. You must change your

ways Simon, or you will go broke!

DR. BAILEY

Alright. I will give it a try.

Don’t know if there is enough money

in my pockets to afford a consultant.

I do have a piggy bank at home.

Maybe that will help.

24

COLLEAGUE

Everything is going to be fine.

You just need to put forth a little

effort, and be open to change.

INT. DR. BAILEY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Dr. Bailey looks at his wife and turns out the light.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Nigel is with another date named MARGARET, sitting at a

cozy table and talking. Nigel notices Mary (from his first

date) and slouches down trying not to be seen. Mary barely

sees Nigel from across the restaurant. She comes closer.

NIGEL

I need to use the restroom.

MARGARET

(pausing)

Alright.

Nigel goes to the restroom, trying to hide from Mary.

INT. RESTROOM - NIGHT

Nigel begins talking with some patrons in the restroom.

GENTLEMAN #1 FARTS abruptly.

NIGEL

Sounds like you need to a specialist.

GENTELMAN #1

What?

NIGEL

Don’t you want to be cured, so you

can go on a date without fear?

GENTLEMAN #1

Easier said than done.

25

NIGEL

Take this card. Dr. Bailey is

really good and can take your

troubles away, farting that is.

Get seen when you have some time.

GENTLEMAN #1

(cautious)

Thanks.

GENTLEMAN #2 notices Nigel’s business cards.

GENTLEMAN #2

I’ve been sweating all night. Do

you have any extra cards?

Nigel hands him a card.

NIGEL

I certainly do.

GENTLEMAN #2

Thank you very much.

NIGEL

Your date must be a knockout.

GENTLEMAN #2

Are you kidding? I’ve been married

to her for 20 years. I’ll be the

one getting knocked out if I don’t

stop farting.

A PRIEST approaches Nigel and motions for a card.

NIGEL

Father, you need one?

PRIEST

I don’t date, but I sit and listen

to people for long periods of time.

Sometimes it gets to be a long time

without relieving one’s self, if you

know what I mean.