Sharp Magazine May Preview

TAKES ON AMERICADRIVE FAST, DIE YOUNG

“THE MEDIA HAS FAILED”CONRAD BLACK

BUBBA WATSON’S PGA FREAK SHOW

GOLF GUIDE CLOTHES, GADGETS,

SHOES, CLUBS

THE HOTTEST NEW

THE ULTIMATE SUMMER SUITRUGGED JACKETS

A N DLOSE THE DAD WALLET

SPRING STYLE REPORT

JAMES DEAN’SLAST RIDE, RELIVED

DRINK YOURSELF

P L U S

THIN

S H A R P F O R M E N . C O ML O O K B E T T E R • F E E L B E T T E R • K N O W M O R E

M A Y 2 0 1 3

INSIDE THE MIND OF THE MAN IN THE MACHINE

THE INVINCIBLE

$5.9

5 •

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JUNE

10, 2

013ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

CONTENTSMAY 2013 | VOL.6 | ISSUE 2

FEATURES

66 IRON MAN

How Robert Downey Jr. made a

second-tier superhero into a box-office

legend.

96JAMES DEAN’S

LAST DRIVEContemplating fame, rebellion and speed in the new Porsche

Boxster S.

102THE STYLISH

ANGLERThis season’s coolest

casual wear is rugged, classic and fit for a

day in the backwoods.

STANDARDS

12EDITOR’S LETTER

20LETTERS

24MAN ABOUT TOWN

112BRAND DIRECTORY

114RANK & FILE

14 SHARPFORMEN.COM / MAY 2013

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HOW TO WIN AT GOLF STYLEpg. 78

GOLF GUIDE

74BUBBA WATSON’S

FREAK SHOWThe PGA’s hard-

driving class clown is ready to branch out.

78HIGH STYLE ON THE BACK NINE

Amp up your style game with these hot looks for the links.

88THE GEAR REPORTTee off with this

year’s slickest clubs, sunglasses, shoes and

tech.

92DAVID HEARN

Talking game with Canada’s next big

PGA hope.

CONTENTSMAY 2013 | VOL. 6 | ISSUE 2


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40WOMENHow Tina Fey and her ilk became the thinking man’s sex symbol.

42FILMSay goodbye to Kirk’s Utopian future: the newest Star Trek is the grittiest yet.

44TECHFive hot new gadgets to geek out over.

46VICESThe lean man’s guide to drinking.

GUIDE

30THE FIRST THINGDitch the 10-dollar umbrella for good.

33A MAN WORTH LISTENING TOConrad Black takes on America.

38A WELCOME INTRODUCTIONJulia Voth: Zombie Killer.

40SHARP’S STATE OF NERDOM ADDRESSFrom business to fashion to (obviously) technology, nerds are a force to be reckoned with. Here’s why.

48SPORTIt’s the playoffs, time to actually enjoy hockey.

50AUTOMOBILESSedans may be the oldest form of automobile, but they’re still worth getting excited about.

52MOTORCYCLESSix perfect reasons to travel on two wheels.

56HEALTHWorkout tips from a man with million-dollar abs.

58STYLEThe linen suit, the return of the boutonnière and a primer on the preppy surfer look. Plus: cycling fashion for the urban commuter.

62GROOMINGGym bag essentials for the sporty man.

63WATCHESYachting chronos: say hello to the diving watch’s sophisticated sibling.

64DAD SKILLS: CARPENTRYA man, a boy and a pirate ship bunk bed.

05.13


LONDON UNDERCOVER$195 at Club Monaco

Set the Rain Ablaze> If there’s one thing Brits know well—better even than tea, tweeds,

jangly guitar rock and dry humour—it’s rain. The UK’s drizzly climate birthed such rainwear icons as the trench coat and the Wellington boot, and now the British design virtuosi at London Undercover have found a way to make something as staid and perfunctory as an umbrella veritably cool. Fashioned by hand in London from the finest materials, this is a bumbershoot worthy of an English gent. Standing beneath its searing orange canopy, you’ll feel dashing, sophisticated and, most importantly, dry.

Need the perfect trench to go with this umbrella? Visit Sharpformen.com/category/style/

UMBRELLAWin this

Culture | GUIDE

>OTHER THAN PERHAPS STREET corner drug dealers, has there ever been

a capitalistic endeavour more attuned to the demands of its customers than Netflix? More than any other content provider (is there a more romantic phrase than that? Content provider: it just melts off the tongue), the movie/television streaming service knows and gives—and has the power to give—cinephilic couch potatoes exactly what they want. It’d be easy to say that it’s because Netflix are fans ( just like us!), but it’s more

likely that they are just the first service to really get it. And getting it means more money for them.

In February, we had the first taste of what Netflix could do with their original programming. House of Cards was like a prestige TV watcher’s wet dream: film heavyweights Kevin Spacey and David Fincher tackle the dark side of American politics. The West Wing meets Richard III. And—because the trend in viewers has shifted towards consuming series in all-out binges—it was available for immediate consumption.

And that’s just the beginning. This spring brings more proof that the future of TV looks

like Netflix. First, Hemlock Grove, a new horror series—a genre that, at least before the confounding American Horror Story, was a tricky sell on television—from the mind of mad genius Eli Roth. It mixes the mystery of a small-town murder with supernatural elements that are all the rage these days (read: werewolves.) That it also stars the esoteric beauties Penelope Mitchell and Freya Tingley doesn’t hurt. Netflix can target a relatively small but strong audience the same way cable can—think genre fare normally broadcast on Space—except they have network-sized budgets and enough clout to bring in marquee names. Hello, Mr. Roth.

And speaking of clout, this month marks the glorious return of Arrested Development. It’s a series that, if you aren’t unhealthily excited for its release, that’s only because you have stubbornly resisted for years friends’ urges to watch it. But, Arrested Development is the perfect example of how these Netflix nerds work. They recognize their consumer base is chock full of fans, fans who care more about satisfying their itch to watch than what anyone around a proverbial water cooler might be saying. They know that these fans are hungry, and if they can feed that hunger, they’ll be loyal.

And, so, we are. Take that Must See TV.

Because the editors of Sharp can be relied upon to provide knowledgeable and timely fashion advice, Peroni has asked us to select one item as a must-have accessory for the season, and then give it away to one lucky reader. This is “The Editor’s Pick,” an exclusive offer for Sharp readers. Enter today.Enter online at: www.sharpformen.com

No purchase necessary. Contest valid from May 2, 2013 to June 5, 2013. There is one prize available to be won with a total approximate retail value of $195.00 CAD. Odds of winning a prize depend upon the number of eligible entries received. Potential winner must correctly answer a time-limited, skill-testing question. Open to all legal residents of Canada, excluding residents of Quebec, who have reached the age of majority in their province of residence. Limit one per person. For complete contest rules, visit www.sharpformen.com.

JUNE/JULY

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Netflix Is Killing It These DaysAND BY ‘IT,’ WE MEAN TELEVISION. AND THAT’S A GOOD THING.BY GREG HUDSON

GUIDE | Women


A W E L C O M E I N T R O DU CT I O N

Julia VothZOMBIE SLAYERBY GRADY MITCHELL

> WHILE MODELING in Japan when she was

15, Saskatchewan prairie girl Julia Voth was cast as the face and body of Jill Valentine, the hero of the hugely popular Resident Evil videogames. On the one hand, that meant at any given time, Voth is somewhere killing zombies. On the other hand, it opened up whole new worlds for sibling bullying. “Of course, my brothers would walk me straight into a zombie,” she says. “They liked to kill me in really gross ways.” You’ll see her next in Package Deal on City wherein Voth plays a beautiful woman who tries to wrest the love of her life away from his brothers, who are definitely deadbeats, but not, thankfully, undead. After years ratcheting up a pretty hefty body count in videogames, comedy is a nice change. “The first show, I heard the audi-ence laughing, and I realized, ‘They’re laughing at me’; I was super validated in my career.” We’d call that moving up in the world.

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For more Welcome Introductions, visit Sharpformen.com/category/women/


GUIDE | Tech

IDEALLY, your gadgets—much like your clothes, car and wristwatch—exude a certain refined sensibility. On occasion, though, especially in the realm of tech toys, it’s healthy to indulge the nerd within. Just so

long as you do so with dignity, and not a fountain pen shaped like Dr. Who’s sonic screwdriver.

Lehmann Aviation LA100 UAV Drone (1)Get your recon on with this automated carbon-fibre flying machine, capable of running five-minute surveillance missions at heights up to 100 m. Frozen tundra or sweltering desert, this durable mini-drone will deliver breathtaking aerial footage and look badass doing it. $1,320

3D Systems CubeX 3D Printer (4)Word documents and colour pictures? Please. Full-blown coffee mugs, smartphone cases, socket wrenches—that’s the kind of stuff the CubeX 3D printer spits out. Fact: it’s impossible to discuss 3D print-ers without making a Star Trek replicator reference. And this particular gizmo is the closest thing yet to the one in Picard’s ready room. $2,500Velocity Micro

VSC455 V8 Tesla GPU Workstation (2)A genuine supercomputer brought down to desk level; this custom machine is packing dual hexa-core processors, up to 144 GB RAM and up to 4 Tesla Kepler GPUs. In other words, about triple the specs you’ll ever need unless you’re map-ping molecules in your spare time. Excessive? Certainly, but undeniably enticing. From $7,195

LaCie Blade Runner External Hard Drive (3)The 4 TB of storage and speedy USB 3.0 interface you can find anywhere; you choose the Blade Runner because it looks like it was ripped right out of the classic Ridley Scott film. Designer Philippe Starck evokes the dystopian future, complete with flying cars and sexy androids, in this rigid aluminum shell. $300

MYO Gesture- Control Armband (5)Tom Cruise’s gesture interface in Minority Report must have been the inspiration for this remote of the future, which reacts to elec-trical impulses in your muscles to control tablets, PCs and more with the flick of a finger. Finally, enjoy hands-free dominion over all things digital. $150

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The Sophisticated

NerdFIVE GIZMOS THAT LET YOU GEEK OUT

WITHOUT LOSING YOUR COOLBY MATT CURRIE

The future is here! For more nerd-approved gadgets, visit Sharpformen.com/category/cars-tech/


GUIDE | Automobiles

Sedan Special!LIKE A WELL-CUT SUIT, A GOOD SEDAN IS ALWAYS IN FASHION. IT’S THE OLDEST SHAPE IN MOTORING, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN IT CAN’T BE SURPRISING.BY MATT BUBBERS

2014 MERCEDES-BENZ E63 AMG> NOT EVEN AN APOCALYPTIC CASE OF FOOD POISONING COULD KEEP

me from driving the new E63 AMG up a mountain in Spain. I admit, my condition did slow our progress somewhat, but the revised AMG with its new 4Matic all-wheel drive system was more than capable of making up for lost time.

One of AMG’s earliest sedans was called the Hammer, and the metaphor seems to apply to every car they’ve done since. To drive the new E63 is to wield an almighty hammer: grip the steering wheel and feel the heft; take a deep breath and wind up 5.5-litres of biturbo V8; and bring it down upon the unsus-pecting road. Then, feel the earth shake. So it has been, and so it shall always be

with AMG. Amen.Standard AWD on the E63 just makes this mighty ham-

mer much easier to control for those of us not named Thor. A welcome addition—don’t listen to the so-called enthusiasts who chant rear-drive or no-drive. On a two-tonne machine with 531 ft-lb of torque built to transport your loved ones, anything but all-wheel drive would be gross negligence on the part of the engineers. (We’d bet our shiny red toolbox the next BMW M5 will go all-wheel drive as well.)

If the E63 sounds like a high-tech muscle car, that’s because it is. But—and this is what we love about a good sedan—it’s understated and formal enough that nobody will take you for a man-child. (No offence to the muscle car crowd, but you know what you are). Besides, not even the Americans can make a V8 engine sound this good.

SPECSENGINE:

5.5-LITRE, TWIN-TURBO V8

POWER: 550 HP, 531

LB-FT TORQUEGEARBOX:

7-SPEED AUTOAVAILABILITY:

SUMMERPRICE:

$108,000 (EST.)

The sedan world, like classical music or literature, has its masters. They come along maybe once-in-a-lifetime and make everything that came before look old fashioned, tired, boring, flawed. The ’98 M5 was masterful in that sense. With a V8 built like a Swiss watch, a perfectly balanced chassis, and a timeless style that will surely become iconic in decades to come, it remains a high watermark for the automobile. Everything about it was in harmony. A future classic, mark my words. – MB

THE COVETED MACHINE1998 BMW M5

2014 AUDI S6Imagine the force between two opposing magnets. The brief for Audi’s S Models is to find a way to force together two such repel-

lant forces: performance and comfort.Never the two shall meet, or so we thought.

But somehow the S6 always managed to combine them: performance, with a snarling 4.0-litre, twin-turbo V8; and comfort, with ample room for four and adaptive air suspension that takes the edge off potholes. To its bag of tricks, the new S6 now adds cylinder-on-demand technology, which reduces fuel consumption by only using as many cylinders as necessary and shutting off the rest. When you do want the full compliment of 420 horsepower and 405 lb-ft of torque, all cylinders instantly stand at attention.

Speeding tickets never came so comfortably.

SPECSENGINE:

4.0-LITRE TWIN-TURBO V8

POWER: 420 HP, 405

LB-FT TORQUEGEARBOX:

7-SPEED AUTOAVAILABILITY:

NOWPRICE:

$82,300

2014 ACURA RLXThe Boeing Dreamliner was designed from the get-go to be the smoothest thing in the sky. On the ground, that title would seem

to fall to the Acura RLX.There’s nearly as much technology under

the skin here as in the Boeing too. Most notably, the RLX steers with all four of its wheels. Now, if you ask us how exactly it does this, we’re as lost as you. But we can report it means this is one of the most sure-footed and agile sedans in its class. The other highlight should be obvious: those jewel-like headlights with two rows of big LED lights. There’s nothing else like that on the road.

No, the Acura’s not the sort of car you get when you want to show off. It’s the one you get when you don’t need to show off anymore.

2014 LEXUS IS 350 RWDPeople generally fall into two categories: those

who love the IS, and those who have never heard of it. We suspect the all-new model is going to change that.

Thankfully, this doesn’t mean the IS has gone mainstream. That much should be obvious: just look at it. It’s like an angry origami interpreta-tion of a sedan: all sharp creases and strangely beautiful lines.

Why is it worthy of cult-like worship? In a word: handling. These are the same engineers

who brought the LFA supercar into the world. Even on a race track, the IS remains totally composed and willing to play. The front end turns in keenly, and once you can see the exit, you can feed in the power with confidence. The 3.5-litre direct-injected V6 propels the car out of the corner with just a tiny hint of oversteer. They had to tear me away from the controls at the end of the day.

SPECSENGINE:

3.5-LITRE V6POWER:

310 HP, 272 LB-FT TORQUE

GEARBOX: 6-SPEED AUTOAVAILABILITY:

NOWPRICE:

$49,800 (EST)

SPECSENGINE:

3.5-LITRE V6POWER:

306 HP, 277 LB-FT TORQUE

GEARBOX: 8-SPEED AUTOAVAILABILITY:

SUMMERPRICE:

$52,900 (EST.)

For more of our sedan picks, visit Sharpformen.com/category/cars-tech/ MAY 2013 / SHARPFORMEN.COM 51

Automobiles | GUIDE

WALLET REFIT Eliminate that

unseemly bulge in your back pocket

by downsizing to a svelte, candy-

coloured cardholder.


STYLE | Style Manual

YOU PROBABLY REMEMBER THE LAST TIME YOU WORE a boutonnière. Chances are, you were a groom, a groomsman, or in a limo alongside eight other couples headed to a grade 12 prom. Lately, though, stylish gents have taken to donning floral accoutrements on their jackets for more casual affairs. With a handful of labels now fashioning vibrant lapel-ready flowers in felt and wool, it’s an easy, understated way to bring a hint of springtime cheer to your favourite suit or sportcoat. Trudeau would be proud.

THIS BUD’S FOR YOUSpruce up your sportcoat with a new-school boutonnière

HOOK + ALBERT, $30

IL BISONTE, $70 AT UNIONMADE

PAUL SMITH, $140 AT MR. PORTER

MAKR, $110

JACK SPADE, $115

WANT LES ESSENTIELS DE LA VIE, $110

OWEN & JAMES, $15

THE KNOTTERY, $10

J AND HP, $25

POST-GRAD BOOK BAG You won’t be able to carry your briefcase on your two-wheeler, but a grown-up, leather-trimmed backpack like this one will ensure no one mistakes you for a 10th grader. WANT LES ESSENTIELS DE LA VIE, $440

UNDERCOVER HELMETYakkay’s concerned-moth-er-approved bike helmets come cleverly disguised as modish headwear, like this dashing glen plaid number. YAKKAY, $140

FIXIE FIXATION Fixed-gear bicycles are all the rage right now, and Felt’s sleek gunmetal version was designed with the urban sophisticate in mind. FELT, $650

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Polish off your look with a few more perfect accessories at Sharpformen.com/cateogry/style/

THE PERFECT SUMMERDUFFLESpacious enough for a week-end at the cottage, compact enough for the gym. Built from heavy-weight, water-resistant cotton duck canvas in a timeless mid-century de-sign. The only real problem? Having to decide which of the 13 classic maritime hues will look best slung across your shoulder all summer long.

THE RAKISH RIDEDitch the spandex shorts this season—the next wave of cycling gear is as stylish (and office-appropriate) as it is functional

JEAN GENIUSTraditionally speaking, denim is among the worst possible fabrics for cycling. The folks at Levi’s solved this problem by reengineering their classic trucker jacket in a treated, elasticized denim that repels dirt and resists water and odors, with subtle reflective tape hits to keep you visible. LEVI’S COMMUTER, $130

CYCLING’S SAVILE ROWUK label Rapha helped set this whole sartorially conscious biking movement in motion a few years back, and is still leading the pack. Fashioned from a highly technical, fast-drying textile, their dress shirts boast a buttoned rear pocket and displaced shoulder seams to prevent any discomfort from your bag’s straps. RAPHA, $170

WM. J. MILLS & CO, $140

STYLE | Grooming


NO SWEATThe best stuff to keep you fresh when you play hardBY WILLIAM REED

GO. Use that body of yours and enjoy the world. Do those things that make you live longer. You know, exercise. Work up a sweat. Use these products to smell good while you’re doing it.

OLD SPICE PURE SPORT DEODORANTIt is impossible to compile any sort of list celebrating sport fragrances without including this icon of the genre. It’s simple, fresh and infused with enough notes of citrus and nostalgia that it almost works as a cologne, despite it being a lowly deodorant. $10

KENZO SPORTMixing grapefruit, lemon and mint sounds like a refreshing summer bever-age, but in fragrance form, it’s a perfect out-of-doors, warm-weather scent. Kenzo takes those notes and boosts them with basenotes of cedar and ginger—which doesn’t sound like a bad cocktail garnish, actually. $80

JACK BLACK TURBO WASH (AND BODY REHAB SCRUB AND MUSCLE SOAK)While we don’t usually endorse the all-in-one convenience of goop that is meant to wash both the body and the hair, after working out, one doesn’t always have the time to groom as one normally would. Plus, this light rosemary- and eucalyptus-infused body wash is as invigorating as a post-workout wash should be. For added benefit, use the Body Rehab Scrub to work out knots and tight muscles. $60

INSTITUT KARITÉ 100% SHEA BUTTERComposed of pure shea butter, there is nothing to dilute this product’s moistur-izing power, nor is there any fragrance to distract. It doesn’t get much lighter and fresher than that. The more a man works out, and the more time he spends outside, the more he’ll need to replenish moisture. This stuff works on everything: body, hands, face and hair. $55

ALLURE HOMME SPORTWater itself doesn’t smell like much—or if it does, it’s probably a bad sign. And yet, Homme Sport has captured the purity of water in a fragrant, appealing form. The fresh top notes are comple-mented by hints of wood and vetiver. It’s like a day at the lake, minus the campfire and flies. $80

For more summer-proof grooming essentials, visit Sharpformen.com/category/style/

> WHILE DIVE WATCHES ARE THE STANDARD FIRST WATCH FOR most men (for good reason—the right one can be worn on just about any

occasion), boating watches are closely related, and can help you look more the captain as opposed to the sailor. While often aesthetically similar, the real difference is intended use: above or below water. Dive watches are chunkier and sportier, while boating watches tend to be more refined—a reflection of their destination for the wrists of yacht owners. Furthermore, within the category of boating watches are those intended for racing, which feature chronographs or specially designed countdown timers for use during formal regatta events.

Do you need to be a boating man to enjoy these? Certainly not. But if you’re looking for an excuse to buy a yacht, having the right timepiece cer-tainly won’t hurt.

ALL HANDS ON DECKBY ARIEL ADAMS

Find more beautiful timepieces at Timeandstyle.ca/

LOUIS VUITTON

TAMBOUR REGATTA AMERICA’S CUP AUTOMATIC

$11,000

PANERAI REGATTA CHRONO FLYBACK $18,800

ROLEX YACHT-MASTER II

$25,450

TAG HEUER AQUARACER 500M CALIBER 72 COUNTDOWN CHRONOGRAPH

$5,515

IWC PORTUGUESE YACHT CLUB EDITION $15,800

SEAMASTER AQUA TERRA CHRONOGRAPH $11,000

MAY 2013 / SHARPFORMEN.COM 63

Timepieces | STYLE

GUIDE | Fatherhood

So, this idea is about my son’s bedroom—or lack thereof. I live in a loft; there’s plenty of space, but no actual rooms. The ceilings are high enough to accommodate queen-sized bunks—so that’s what I’ve got. Zev hasn’t wanted to sleep alone yet, and I don’t want him tumbling six feet in the middle of the night, so we sleep together on the bottom

bunk. But I know the day is coming fast when he’ll want his own space. I want to give it to him for his third birthday. And thus: the Pirate Ship Bed.

I have an extremely vague concept of it: sturdy enough so he’ll be safely contained, with shelves and space for his toys and books—and…well, shaped like a pirate ship. But I have no idea how to do any of this—and no excuse not to.

By all logic, I should be handy. All my real jobs (and even some of the writing ones) have been manual labour. I lived for a year in a shantytown where I built my own home.

But looking back on the book I wrote about that, I feel like a bit of a fraud: sure I made it happen, that eight-by-ten, wood-burning,

one-windowed, ladder-to-attic shack wouldn’t have existed if it weren’t for me and my bare necessity. But it was the skilled Tent City men who, with stolen tools, really built the thing. I just scavenged the booze, did the heavy lifting and some hammer-ing. Ten years later, not much has changed; I can scavenge, lift and hammer with the best of them. But that’s about it.

SHIPBUILDERS UNIONA pirate, a carpenter and a state of emergency

BY SHAUGHNESSY BISHOP-STALL ILLUSTRATION BY PAUL BLOW

I HAVE THIS IDEA—A PIRATE IDEA. Well, I guess it’s more of a carpenter idea,

but I tend to connect more with piracy than carpentry. Also, my son Zev is really into pirates right now. He fake-limps around my apartment, growling, “Shiver me timbers!” and, “Swab the deck, matey!” And he practically never mentions carpenters (except for Jesus who, for some reason, he keeps asking me to tell him about: “Daddy, talk more about Jesus!” I usually mumble something about lepers and fish, then tell a Superman story.)


Right now, I’m stuck in a downward twisting obsession with my inability to figure out my inabilities. This is what I tell myself: If it was a do-or-die situation, I could build a

perfect pirate ship bed. Then I go back to staring.


Fortunately, I still hang out with derelict handymen. “What did you call me?”“A dedicated handyman.” Robb’s eyes narrow. “Turn left here.” I’m driving to Home Depot because he doesn’t have a license. “Don’t mention that in the article!” Robb is a former navy man who owns a number of busi-

nesses—some of them even legal. Today, for four different enterprises, he is building a giant cage, constructing a bar-ramp for a gay fashion show, salvaging a sunken sailboat and—at this moment—piloting the pirate ship project.

“There should be a slide,” he says. “Like in Jake and the Neverland Pirates.” Robb also has a number of children.

“Let’s figure out the pirate ship first,” I say. “Oh, that’ll be easy.”Robb says this all the time,

mostly about things that are not going to be easy. He is a terrify-ing mix of optimist, over-reach-er, anarchist and perfectionist.

It’s a week later and I’m still staring at all the stuff we bought.

My buddy Robb did help me. He drew up plans and designs, showed me how to use the tools, even paid for the materials. But Zev’s birthday is a week away and Robb’s busy excavating a wooly mammoth or fixing a monster truck or something. All I can do is stare.

I know it’s a mental block, but that doesn’t help. In recent months, I’ve made a fire without a match, roll-tacked a sailboat through crosswinds, tumbled a fighter plane at 6,000 feet, jumped off a skyscaper. Yet this—by far—is my hardest challenge. In fact, right now, I’m stuck in some sort of shame spiral—a downward-twisting obsession with my inability to figure out my inabilities. It’s not a lack of logic, attention, aesthetic, desire or basic hand-eye coordination, but rather a precise lack of a precise combination of these things, combined with my own perfectionism and the absence (if you can combine some-thing with absence) of emergency.

This is what I tell myself: if it were a do-or-die situation, I could build a perfect pirate ship bed. Then I go back to staring.

Just four sleeps until Zevvy’s birthday. With the help of my ladyfriend, who is much handier than me, I have a giant stained piece of plywood in the shape of a ship, complete with an anchor. It’s still on the floor, but the silhouette is traced on the wall opposite to the upper bunk. I also have the makings of a crow’s nest—a painted basket and broom handle. I’m staring at it all when Robb shows up.

“What are you waiting for?” Robb says.“You, I guess.” In minutes the whole thing is bolted to the bed. Robb is

doing sturdiness tests, going on about different kinds of hooks and brackets and knots. I nod, overwhelmed but also

hopeful: it actually looks pretty good up there—the makings of a pirate ship, six feet off the ground.

“Gotta go,” says Robb, looking at his phone. “That SWAT truck I just bought—there’s a problem with it.”

“You don’t say.”

It’s down to a matter of hours. Weeks ago, in a fit of hysterical self-confidence, I invited a couple dozen friends to a Pirate Ship Bed Launch/Birthday Party, for tomorrow night. On the bright side, this project has finally reached a state of emergency—which is, of course, when I’m most effective. Part of this, I’ve realized, has to do with a lack of patience, made more frustrating by a surplus of perseverance.

Something else I’ve realized: it’s the tools I fear. The only way I ever create anything is to use only the most rudimentary

of tools. I wrote my first book on a typewriter, my second by hand—and both, it so happens, in states of emergency.

So I make a quick decision: use only the tools I’m comfort-able with and do it fast. My new doomsday toolbox contains a hammer and nails, duct tape, a staple gun, a spool of wire and a credit card. I grab the hammer, a mouthful of nails, and start to swing—freaked out for sure, but finally focused. “Argh!” I grunt. “Shiver me timbers!”

It’s Zevvy’s birthday, and this is what he sees: a wooden ladder rising up through rolling nylon waves (shower curtain) against a

mahogany-stained shipside—a line of silver portholes (bicycle mirrors) below wrought iron railings (plastic garden fencing). The crow’s nest and jolly roger (nailed, stapled, wired and glued) rise into a billowing sky (chiffon and silk, on top of three other attempts at sky). There is a bell and a parrot and a large nautical clock. On the bow, extending into the air, there is a ghostly masthead lit by a lantern (miniature antique streetlamp) and a disco ball (disco ball).

All Zev sees is a pirate ship, floating overhead. “Do you like it, Zevvy?” I say. He nods. Then just stands there, staring.

And now, after the requisite handyman victory, comes the part that no father wants to face: that moment your three-year-old son is dancing and bouncing and giggling in his brand new disco pirate ship bed, six feet off the ground and then a crack, and a snap and a scream. The stupid plastic wrought iron has given way and he is falling. He’s falling, thank god, in slow motion—not just because of the adrenaline, but also your friend who’s up there too grabbed his foot—so you get there just in time, and he falls into your hands.

You’ve always been good in an emergency. But that’s not what you think while you hold him in your arms in the middle of his pirate birthday party. Instead, it’s this: God, I love you. And I’m so sorry. And tomorrow I’ll be a better carpenter.

For the rest of Shaughnessy Bishop-Stall’s fatherhood chronicles, visit Sharpformen.com/category/culture/

THE

IN THE

THE SUPERVILLAIN-DEFEATING, JUDO-CHOPPING, LIFE-WINNING ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

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66


Golf is a game built on rituals. It’s in the practiced mechanics of your swing, in the way you survey the green before a putt, in the profan-ities you scream as your ball

plunks into a water hazard. In many ways, it’s the repetition of these familiar rites and habits—static and unchanging—that makes golf the sport we all love.

But things are changing. There’s a new energy surrounding the sport. You can feel it in the eccentric personalities of pros like Bubba Watson; see it in the colourful clothes lining aisles in golf shops. Golf will always be a game of rit-uals, but now it’s got a little extra swag-ger in its step. And that’s something worth celebrating.


“My nickname is ‘Freak Show’ because I can hit shots that people don’t hit,” Wat-son says. “You can’t explain it. You can have the most educated man in the world, and he can put a hypothesis on it, but it doesn’t make sense, you know?”

We know. How many pro golfers use the word “hypothesis” when describing his talents? Just Bubba, your 2012 Mas-ters champion.

While every other pro golfer expects

silence when he hits a shot, Watson will lift both arms upward, asking for more noise. Even at the pressure cooker known as the Ryder Cup, he’s trying to make it more like an AC/DC concert. Bubba likes his music

“Golf is boring. We’re trying to show this is a different age in golf,” Watson says. “This is not your country club golf. We are trying to grow the game, show-ing the younger people and older gen-erations, as well, that we are here to have fun. Let’s enjoy the game and try to make it a little bit faster and fun.”

Bubba’s a straight talker who rarely hits a straight shot, preferring to either hook or slice the ball, sometimes by as much as 40 yards. Otherwise, he says, he’d become bored on the golf course. The ability to shape the ball comes from learning the game in his backyard while playing with whiffle balls—not exactly the training technique used by Tiger Woods and Jack Nicklaus when they were kids.

Nobody on the PGA Tour hits the ball longer than Bubba—especially with a pink driver that can reach a clubhead speed of almost 140 mph, which trans-lates into a ball speed of 200 mph—and few Hall of Famers play with the imagi-nation he possesses. At last year’s Mas-

THANK GOD FOR GERRY LESTER WATSON JR.—BETTER KNOWN AS BUBBA: THE MAN WHO’S SHAKING UP THE WORLD OF GOLF

BUBBA SPARKS

BY CRAIG DOLCH

There are other elite golfers who are known simply by one name—Tiger, Rory, Ernie and Phil, to name a foursome—but there is only one Gerry Lest-er Watson Jr. ¶ You might know him as Bubba.¶ Bubba doesn’t play golf like you and I. Fact is, he

doesn’t play golf like most of his peers on the PGA Tour. He plays his own style on the course—“Bubba Golf” he calls it—and doesn’t follow many rules of the green ei-ther. ¶ Bubba boasts of never having taken a golf lesson. He doesn’t have an instructor. He doesn’t pay a sports psychologist. When given the choice of taking a chance or playing it conservatively, the lanky left-hander invari-ably takes the aggressive route, the creative solution.

IT’S STILL A GENTLEMAN’S GAME, BUT THE YEAR’S FINEST GOLF CLOTHES PROJECT AN EDGY, DOWNRIGHT DANGEROUS VIBE

TOUGH SHOTS

PHOTOGRAPHY: MATT BARNES

STYLING: LEE SULLIVANfor Plutino Group

Cotton jacket ($995) by Z Zegna,

at Harry Rosen; cotton polo ($235)

by Burberry Brit, at Harry Rosen; polyester pants ($120) by PING;

belt ($75) by Rob-ert Graham.


GREEN-READY GEAR

AT LONG LAST, GOLF EQUIPMENT THAT’S AS COOL LOOKING AS IT IS CUTTING EDGE

BY: SCOTT KRAMER

PHOTOGRAPHY: ADRIAN ARMSTRONG


Quickly adjust loft on TaylorMade’s R1 driver for your ideal trajectory. Then, from the fairway, zero in on the pin with Cobra’s AMP Cell Fairway woods, Tour Edge Exotics’ Xrail Hybrid, and Cleveland’s 588 Rotex wedge. Finally, harmonize yourself with the green using PING’s Scottsdale TR Grayhawk, which makes every putt perform as if struck perfectly.

CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT: TAYLORMADE R1 DRIVER, $400; COBRA AMP CELL FAIRWAY WOOD, $275; PING SCOTTSDALE TR GRAYHAWK, $165; CLEVE-LAND 588 ROTEX WEDGE, $120; TOUR EDGE EXOTICS XRAIL HYBRID, $130.

P I N S E E K E R S


Hearn turned pro in late 2001, and in 2004 won on the Nationwide (now Web.com) Tour and the Canadian Tour. After losing his tournament spot in 2005, he earned his way back on to the PGA in 2011. Last year, he finished 97th on the money list, winning $1,012,575. He played in tournaments with both Phil Mickelson and Tiger Woods, and even though he doesn’t have a marquee name like they do, he didn’t feel intimi-dated or overshadowed. That is to say, he’s settling into the role of a full-time PGA Tour player.

He’s also settled into life as a new father. He’s a member of Team RBC, which includes major champions Mike Weir, Graeme McDowell and other top players, and he’s signed a contract with Kia Canada. Life off and on the course is agreeable, which is exactly why he wants to take the next step.

On the course, the part of the year known as the Florida swing is imminent. In the following week, Hearn will tee up at the Honda Classic in Palm Beach Gardens, a half-hour drive from his neighbourhood. Hearn played five tour-naments on the West Coast Swing. He’d made the cut in only two of the events, with his best finish being a tie for 16th at the Waste Management Phoenix Open.

“I’ve always been a slow starter,” Hearn says. “I’m looking forward to the Florida Swing.”

THE FLORIDA SWING

AS HE RISES THROUGH THE RANKS—AND STARTS EARNING THE BIG MONEY THAT COMES WITH IT—CANADIAN PGA PRO DAVID HEARN IS ON

THE BRINK OF A BREAKTHROUGHBY LORNE RUBENSTEIN

It is a day like any other for David Hearn, at least away from the PGA Tour. The 33-year-old profes-sional golfer from Brantford, Ont. is taking his eight-month-old daughter, Ella, out for a stroll with his wife Heather, near their winter home in Delray Beach.



JAMES DTHE

JAMES DTHE

DEATH RDEATH R


FAST CARS, DANGER, REBELLION AND THE LITTLE BASTARD

BY MATT BUBBERS

ES DEANES DEANTH RUNTH RUN

97



THE HANDSOMEST SPRING SPORTSWEAR

LOOKS AT HOME WHETHER YOU’RE

REELING IN A TROUT OR AMBLING DOWN A RAINY CITY STREET

PHOTOGRAPHY: FA U B E L + C H R I S T E N S E N / S H I N

STYLING: LU K E L A N G S D A L E

POLYESTER JACKET ($400) AND LINEN CHAMBRAY SHIRT ($230) BY STRELLSON; PANAMA HAT ($50) BY STETSON; HERRINGBONE SACK PANTS ($305) BY H.W. CARTER & SONS; LAMBSWOOL SUSPENDERS

($155) BY ALEXANDER OLCH; LEATHER DRESS BOOTS ($400) BY ALLEN EDMONDS; STRIPED CANVAS BAG ($425) BY A.P.C.; FISHING ROD ($205)

BY REDINGTON.

U N C OMM O NA N G L E R


THIS PAGE: OVERSHIRT ($415) BY STONE ISLAND; ZIP FRONT WADER ($410) AND FISHING ROD ($185)

BY REDINGTON.

LEFT: COTTON SHIRT ($610) BY BRUNELLO CUCINELLI;

NYLON VEST ($185) BY PATAGONIA; SOFT-SHELL

GLOVES ($35) BY REDING-TON; CANVAS SMOCK ($205) BY ORVIS; SKELETOOL ($75) BY LEATHERMAN; MARINE STAR CALENDAR WATCH

($525) BY BULOVA.


POLYESTER RAINCOAT ($3,785) BY LOUIS VUITTON; WOOL SWEATER ($360) AND SOCKS ($40) BY SUNSPEL; CANVAS SHORTS ($180) BY BURBERRY BRIT; WAXED

CANVAS AND RUBBER TOTE ($395) BY STONE ISLAND; LEATHER BOOTS ($130) BY DOCKERS; FISHING ROD ($795) AND REEL ($310)

BY SAGE.


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