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Shore Up Your EmotionalIntelligence (EQ)

To Raise Your State

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Seven-year-old Julie stood at the window, watching the rain destroy her chance to go swimming. Her shoulders drooped, her face was sad. Noticing her disappointment, her grandmother stood behind her and gave her a comforting hug. Together, they gazed out the window, snuggling in the embrace. Suddenly, Julie turned her face upward, smiled at her grandmother and asked, “Granny, did you know that when people hug you, it fills up your heart a certain number of spaces?”

Later that evening, as Julie’s grandmother was saying goodnight to her, she asked, “So, Julie, how many spaces are in your heart?” Without missing a beat, she replied, “Ten!” And, without hesitation, she added, “But seven have to be full for you to feel good.” And in her childish curiosity, she stretched her arms around her neck and asked, “Granny, are you a ten?”

Julie demonstrates a metaphorically powerful, definition of emotional intelligence ~ EQ. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize our own emotional state and be tuned into the emotional state of those around us.

With Emotional Intelligence comes an emotional resilience that helps us respond to people and situations from our heart and truth, rather than react out of defense, past wounding or control. We tend to move toward gratitude, compassion and patience in even the most challenging situations.

When we are not-so-resilient emotionally, we consistently dissipate our energy through drama, over-emphasizing, defense, denying or repressing emotions. We lose personal power through our control strategies and end up with chaos and confusion in our relationships.

Without the internal power that Emotional Intelligence provides, emotions that arise from fear-based thoughts take over. They infiltrate our reality. We miss the opportunity to feel our vibrancy or enjoy the beauty around us. We lose ability to feel our heart. Often, this leaves us in a powerless victim-stance.

As research evolves, it is shown that emotional intelligence is crucial for better health, success and rewarding relationships. Emotional Intelligence brings a more relaxed and vibrant body, an inquisitive mind, a desire to share our gifts and talents with the world around us.

We develop this EQ by gaining more awareness about our emotions and developing appropriate skills to manage them. It grows and deepens as we learn to take those skills and notice, identify and respond appropriately to the emotions of others.

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As you fine tune your EQ you’ll experience greater ease in your life. You’ll express yourself with greater clarity, and learn to read, respond to, and accept other people’s feelings. If you are someone who is afraid to express what you feel for fear of possibly rocking the boat in your relationships, consider that you are rocking your internal boat by not expressing yourself. Gaining Emotional intelligence will open you to greater self-expression.

DEFINING EMOTIONS

Feelings are invisible energy that flows through us in every moment. The full range of feelings arise instinctively and show up as sensation in our body. When we add a thought to our feeling we have an emotion.

While emotions are real because you feel them, it’s important to know that what triggered them may not be real. Emotions are like a car alarm…they are a beautiful way to uncover those beliefs, conditions, distortions and wounds that your mind may be attempting to hide. An emotion is your body’s reaction to your mind.

With emotional intelligence, we are at times aware of what we are feeling, and other times we are not. For example, we often know when we feel grief if we are coping with the loss of a loved one. But, we may not be aware that we are experiencing grief when something we hoped for and longed for did not come to fruition. Additionally, there are times when we experience more than one emotion. The term “bitter-sweet” is an example of mixed emotions.

Your emotions matter, they inform you ~ embrace them as a surge of spiritual energy calling you home to a deeper relationship with yourself. And, let them flow through. When you judge, deny, emphasize, ignore or put a story around your emotions, you miss the opportunity to connect more fully with yourself. As you shore up your connection with your emotions you’ll naturally Raise Your State to greater Love and Peace.

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1. Emotions motivate our actions. Whenever the emotions of a situation become strong enough they create transformation. Strong emotions can help us overcome obstacles–real and perceived—to achieve what we want. Enthusiasm and excitement can bring our desires and dreams into manifestation. If you want to experience greater joy, give space for all your emotions to flow through you.

2. Emotions serve as a built in “smoke alarm” which helps us respond to other people and situations that might be threatening. When you feel threatened by a situation, your emotions send a signal to the brain to be more aware, conscious and cautious. When you feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed by a person or situation, your emotional reaction will stimulate you to set a boundary around what you don’t want to tolerate.

3. Emotions also help us regulate our decisions. i.e.: If I lie about this, I’ll feel guilty. Therefore, I will tell the truth. Or, If I spew this out of control anger, it will damage my relationship with my friend. I’ll take a different approach.

“In avoiding our sadness we avoid our lives. Learning from our sadness can bear great fruit, and avoiding it can have hidden costs. Our choice is between feeling

the sharp pains of self-discovery or enduring the dull ache of unconsciousness that will last for the rest of our lives.”

~ Marianne Williamson

WHAT’S GOOD ABOUT EMOTIONS?

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1 - Wake Up Your Witness

Awareness is essential to creating greater emotional intelligence. Awareness arises from your ability to see yourself and life from a higher and clearer perspective. This requires you to step into your witness consciousness.

As witness, you observe yourself as a third person, simply as an on-looker. You stand by with curiosity, without judgment or interpretation, and watch your actions, reactions, thoughts and feelings. Just like calling ‘a spade – a spade’, you see your life without stories. When I shift to witness, I become aware of sensations and emotions in me and also aware of the emotional state of those around me. Here, I have a choice to say what I need to say in a way that honors both me and those with whom I’m communicating.

When I shift to my attention to be the witness, I am not only aware of my emotional state, I am aware of the emotional state of those around me too. I can then choose what to say in a way that honors both myself and those with whom I’m communicating.

When I witness myself having an internal reaction to a person or situation, without layering it with judgment, I’m able to investigate the belief or wound that caused me to waste my energy on reaction. In this way, my witness supports me in connecting more deeply with me.

Our witness sees us dreaming and monitors our internal state – what we think and feel. Without awareness we sleep in the darkness of our mind, our life shrouded by illusion. We can’t see what traps us or the ways we lower our state. We are blind to our unhappiness, even when it looms larger than life.

Learn to witness your actions, mind and emotions. Ask yourself, “What am I experiencing right now? What sensations are running through my body?” In this way, you’ll fine tune your ability to shore up the emotional energy that drags you down into suffering.

“The moment you start watching the thinker, a higher level of consciousness becomes activated. You then begin to realize there is a vast realm of intelligence beyond thought, that thought is only a tiny aspect of that intelligence. You also realize that all the things that truly matter – beauty, love, creativity, joy, inner

peace – arise beyond the mind. You begin to awaken.”

~ Eckhart Tolle

HERE ARE 9 SIMPLE GUIDELINES FOR YOU TO SHORE UP YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND RAISE YOUR STATE

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2 - Be a Master of your Frequency

What you think, define or feel generates your reality.

Be 100% responsible for your own state of being. If you aren’t putting your state of being as your #1 priority, your unconscious emotional habits will have their way with you. That is just how it works.

Let’s say that you are upset and disappointed because you want more appreciation from your spouse. Instead of focusing on the problem, how he or she doesn’t appreciate you enough, go into the vibration you want to experience ~ Appreciation. Start appreciating him or her, start appreciating all that is great about you and about your life. Create the field by focusing on that experience you desire. Create the field by focusing on that experience you desire. Don’t focus on the circumstance that is creating your upset, instead focus on the vibration you want to experience.

If you want greater connection with your friend, instead of feeling disappointed or resentful that she isn’t available in the way you want her to be, endeavor to create more connection in your world. Don’t focus on the situation, feeling disappointed or rejected, instead focus on the vibration of inclusion and connectedness that you want to experience. Find friends who meet you in the ways you desire to be met.

You are the only one who can create your reality. As you practice, you’ll automatically shift into higher states of well-being: where love and peace arise. You Raise Your State. And, you will no longer resonate to the people, thought forms, and circumstances that continue to vibrate at lower states.

“Our hearts resonate at the same frequency as the earth and the universe. Therefore, we are all valuable instruments in the orchestration of the world and its harmony. We must always be aware of the vibrations we emit individually and collectively. Always be in command of your music. Only you can control

and shape its tone. If life throws you a few bad notes or vibrations, don’t’ let them interrupt or alter your song.”

~ Suzy Kassem

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3 - Listen to Your Body

Your body is a barometer of truth and it is intimately connected to your emotions. Before you can even name a feeling, your body has already registered it. In fact, your body is so finely attuned to your emotions, that it’s the best translator you have for what’s really going on for you.

Emotions are energy in motion. If you don’t fully allow yourself to feel and express them, they show up in body symptoms. Think about the heavy feeling in your chest after you’ve lost someone you cared about. Or the tightness in your throat just before you go on stage. Remember the last time your stomach was in knots when you were worried about something. These connections between your emotions and your body are quite straightforward. Yet, your body may be sending you other messages that are even subtler. For instance, did you know that chronic headaches are often linked to unresolved anger, and that stomach issues tend to show up out of deep-seated fear?

Many people bypass what their body is trying to tell them and use their intellect to think their way through emotion. But analyzing emotions doesn’t work. If you use your intellect to figure it out, you won’t be making the best decisions that you and your relationships truly need. Your deeper wisdom lies beyond your mind and registers as intuition and instinct. Let this wisdom be your guiding light.

Learn to tap in to the sensations in your body and ask yourself, “What is this sensation? What am I feeling right now?” Know the words that label your emotions. (Sad, glad, mad, embarrassed, ashamed, elated, frustrated, confused, angry, scared)

Don’t judge what you feel. Rejecting your emotions is an attempt to cover up old wounds. Rather than denying your emotions, say to yourself “this is what is true for me right now, and I am reacting to it.” With this statement alone, you are no longer using your energy to deny the truth, but opening the door to healing and releasing instead. As you share the depth of uncomfortable emotions, you’ll also feel the height of uplifting emotions. You’ll gain the full range of your expression.

Aside from the discomfort these body sensations cause, repressed emotions make themselves known in other ways, like passive aggressive comments, emotional withdrawal, cheating, lying, and impatience. If you want to avoid your emotions coming out sideways, learn to register the emotions running through you and presence them fully.

“Your body is an absolute mirror of your mind. As you worry, your body shows it. As you love, your body show it. As you are overwhelmed, your body shows it.

As you are angry your body shows it. Every cell in your body is being allowed or resisted by the way you feel.”

~ Abraham Hicks

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4 - Be Compassionate With Feelings

Have you ever feared that if you dare go into a feeling all the way that you may not come out the other side? Or, have you ever been stuck in thinking that a feeling will be ‘always, hopeless and forever’?

Feelings are like children, scared of the creature in the corner. If a child comes to you upset with fear, anger or sadness, that child is seeking to be heard and comforted. If you discount or send a hurting child away, or tell them it’s nothing, they become louder and more insistent. Instead, you put your arm around them and let them be. You don’t shame them or figure them out. When you simply presence them with compassion, they’ll soon jump up and be out the door to play.

Being present to your feelings with compassion allows them to move through you. You’ll discover they are your allies attempting to inform you, and ultimately draw you into deeper connection with you.

Whatever feelings you are battling in the moment, go all the way into them. Lose it when you lose it, and feel it fully. So, many times our attempts to bypass the feelings we have will actually intensify the pain. This is because we have overlooked an extremely important step in our healing process – we need to feel our feelings before we can effectively deal with them on a mental level.

The mind’s typical response when faced with emotional pain is to immediately focus on fixing the problem. “Why is this happening? How can I make it go away?” When you do this, you use your energy to resist the unpleasant thoughts, feelings and sensations. You’ll hold down the energies of grief, frustration, anxiety, anger, guilt and resentment that naturally accompany painful situations. You’ll abort a natural process.

Responding with compassionate presence to all your feelings keeps you loyal to yourself. It’s normal and healthy to feel sadness and even depression with loss. It’s normal to feel fear when threatened or facing new experiences. It’s normal to feel the force of anger running through you when you feel violated. Anger can be a motivating force to propel you past frustration or helplessness and into action.

Compassion simply means, “to be with”. As you nurture your ability to be with your feelings, your tendency to repress, deny or make up a story about them dissipates. Pure feeling cleanses you, releases you from your mind’s obsessions. Your very presence strengthens you. Through compassion with your feelings you grow loyalty to yourself.

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Without a constructive outlet to express our feelings, we can easily spiral down into emotional pain through judging them or creating a story around them. The mind will recycle the problem over and over without coming up with an effective resolution. While we may be dealing with only a few problems, the constant mental repetition will cause us to feel like we are dealing with a thousand problems. To complicate matters, we then tend to become even more mentally overwhelmed because we begin to judge ourselves for even having the feelings.

When you don’t judge your feelings and don’t let them take you down into the ‘always, hopeless and forever’ mindset, you don’t get stuck. You can remind yourself that what may seem like a curse in the moment can actually be a blessing in disguise. This is the place where faith in yourself and faith in life replaces fear. Here, you’ll relax more deeply into you.

“Accepting means you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling at the moment. It is part of the isness of the Now. You can’t argue with what is. Well,

you can, but if you do, you suffer.”

~ Eckhart Tolle

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5 - Release Reactions to Respond

Have you ever reacted from a thoughtless, righteous burst of energy that created distress for you and others? Reactions happens in a flash, before our subtle intuition kicks in to offer us a perspective. Reactions tend to run over our good intentions and take us out of integrity. Having an ability to refrain from reaction and respond instead is a key to EQ.

Our fight or flight reaction is an instinctual, animal survival program. Our reactions arise in the face of a confrontation or situation that threatens us. Or, they also arise when we are attempting to defend our image or protect our unhealed wounds.

Fight or flight is an extreme reaction, while response falls between them. To choose anything other than these extremes is to engage your personal will, intellect and EQ to create a response with a positive goal. Reaction uses none of our ability and response uses all of our ability.

It takes skill to register the fear that arises in the body, and willingness to catch yourself in that moment. Each time you exert this discipline, you gain momentum.

Refraining from reaction in order to respond is different than suppression or denial. It is a conscious stopping point, holding the intention to come back at a later time. An emotional reaction is a sign that an unresolved emotion is lurking beneath the surface. View your reactions, the ones you didn’t catch in the moment, as an invitation to explore yourself further. You can inquire into ‘why’ you felt defensive and track your belief about the situation. Refraining from reaction allows you to come back to the situation with clear intention in right timing, and respond from your truth and integrity.

If you wind up feeling exhausted after an emotional tussle with someone, most likely you left your integrity, reacted from defense, and used ego energy in an attempt to control the situation. This often happens as a deep level of vulnerability is showing up for you.

“How you react emotionally is a choice in any situation.”

~ Judith Orloff

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6 - Question Your Beliefs

Beliefs are the foundation of most all emotional suffering. A belief system is a collection of opinions and ideas taken on as truth. Each of our beliefs made sense at some point in our life.

The beliefs we agreed to in childhood are deeply ingrained and so familiar they’re difficult to recognize. We often can’t distinguish between the beliefs we’ve taken on from who we are. When mom and dad taught us their perspective on how life works, we adopted their beliefs in order to fit in. We agreed to them because they worked at the time. If our family went to church, to be part of the family we took on the church’s beliefs. We collected and internalized much of the cultural belief system around us.

Our beliefs are woven into complex systems that keep the world around us functioning the way it does. Each belief supports another belief, creating what appears to be a logical chain. These beliefs give us reasons to continue doing what we’ve always done. They are the glue that holds our lives in stasis.

Some of the primary suffering beliefs are: “I’m not loveable, I’m all alone, I don’t matter, I’m not enough, I’m not wanted, I’m invisible, I’m not okay, I’m a failure.” These beliefs are simply lies made up through internal judgment and they trigger emotions that cause needless suffering.

The good news lies in that you have the choice to change any belief you’ve held. Beliefs are arbitrary and can be let go of at anytime. For the investigation of beliefs, it’s imperative that you fire your judge. Leave that critic stranded.

One common belief that many people have is that they can’t control their reactions or unruly emotions. This is not true, when you work with your beliefs, reactions lessen and emotions calm. This saves vital energy, the energy you can use to choose how to respond to life.

Celebrate those enlightening moments when you discover beliefs you took on by agreement aren’t really true for you at all. Instead of harboring arbitrary beliefs swallowed without awareness, choose to believe what aligns with your experience--there you will find openings to expand your life.

As you choose to create new beliefs that foster self-acceptance, self-respect and self-trust, your confidence and self-esteem will grow. You’ll have greater emotional resilience to meet life with the best of you.

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As you examine your beliefs you begin to see how they mold your view of the world. Each belief you uncover, frees you to see the world as it is. You witness that your world view is projection of what is rooted in your own mind.

Our false beliefs are generally not very obvious. Often they are imbedded in our thinking, or layered underneath our internal dialogue. In order to change a belief, we need our witness to see it clearly without the filter of judgment or victimization. Once clarified from this observer viewpoint it takes only little effort to change a core belief. Once the belief is dissolved so are the emotional reactions that accompanied them.

“Doubt everything. Find your own light.”

~Buddha

7 - Don’t Take People’s Behavior Personally

It’s not easy to feel rejected or hear harsh words from others. It can feel very personal when someone blames you for their reactions or unhappiness. And, it is often all too easyto internalize their actions and words as a reflection of your worth. Sometimes people aren’t very good at looking beyond their own ego-centric bubble and their actions may not be kind or considerate toward you. They may have unresolved emotional issues and set up safety strategies meant to protect their vulnerability and unsafety. They may hunker down or lash out to protect themselves.

You can’t take their words or actions personally, as it is not personal to you. Accept that people do what they do because of their own programming.

People will judge you and have an opinion of you. And yet, if that same judgment or opinion isn’t true in your reality, most likely you won’t take it personally. This is a great reason to stop judging yourself for anything.

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For instance, your mother calls you selfish or uncaring because you don’t spend as much time with her as she would like. It you hold an internal judgment that you aren’t a good daughter if you don’t spend a lot of time with your mother, most likely you’ll react in defense. If you know you are doing your best to manage your life and your relationship with her, you won’t take her judgmental words personally. You’ll be able to hear her and have empathy for her feeling disappointed, and you’ll have compassion for you and your situation at the same time. You’ll know her disappointment isn’t personal to you.

Not taking things personally can be tricky for us to get sometimes. And, what is important is that if people use or abuse you with their words and actions, you can respond to them by letting them know how their actions and words impact you. You can hold the position of not taking their outbursts and judgments personally, and you can set a boundary at the same time. In fact, with high EQ, you do that!

“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and

actions of others, you won’t be the victim of need less suffering”

~ Miguel Ruiz

8 - Express Empathy

Your ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes is a profound way to stay connected to your heart and theirs. With empathy, you are sensitive to the feelings of others through reading non-verbal and verbal cues. Some people are naturally more empathetic than others. Like expressing our emotions; our ability to express empathy can be influenced by our DNA and our environment. The good news is that everyone can grow in their empathy skills.

Some people define empathy as practicing the Golden Rule–doing unto others as you would want them to do unto you. This concept can be taken a step further with this statement: Do unto others as they want to be done unto. The highly empathic person seems to have a knack for treating or responding to others in a way that affirms their feelings and supports their needs.

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As much as we want others to understand and respect our feelings, it can often be hard to return the favor or initiate the behavior. Some reasons are:

* Growing up in a home where empathy was not exhibited.* Letting our own emotions escalate to the point where we say or do hurtful things to other people,

often regretting those words later. * An obsessive need to be right. For these people, every opinion that differs from theirs provokes an

attack, even if the other person is simply expressing a different point of view in a calm and logical manner.

* Feeling unheard by others thereby not wanting to show empathy in return.* Insecurities that if we show empathy or compassion toward another it will make us look weak.

This is why getting in touch with, and managing our own emotions, is a necessary first step to showing empathy toward others.

In order to have more fulfilling relationships, it is important to develop the skill of empathy. F ine-tune your skill of reading verbal and non-verb al cues that show you what others are feeling , and then you respond appropriately. Your heart meets them where they are.

When all parties in a relationship are practicing empathy, this makes it safe to communicate our fear, failures and vulnerabilities, and as a result it strengthens the bonds of the relationship.

“Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, to our world contracts as our problems preoccupations loom

large. But when we focus on others, out world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for

connection – or compassionate action.”

~ Daniel Goleman

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9 - Put Out Positive Vibes 3:1

Because of built-in survival mechanisms, our brains are naturally wired to pay more attention to negative events than positive ones. But in reality, we experience positive events with much greater frequency. One key to building emotional resilience lies in noticing and appreciating those positive experiences whenever and wherever they occur.

In Barbara Fredrickson’s book Positivity, she says “What matters most is your positivity ratio.” That ratio is a product of how you characterize the balance of positive and negative experiences in your daily life. Fredrickson’s research suggests that, at minimum, we need a 3-to-1 ratio of positive to negative experiences not just to build resilience, but also to thrive, be optimally productive and enjoy our lives.

This means that for every heart-wrenching negative emotional experience you endure you have to experience at least three heartfelt positive emotional experiences that uplift you. Three to one appears to be the tipping point, predicting whether people languish or flourish.

“The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.”

~ Carlos Castenada

Emotional intelligence - like athletic accomplishments, artistic expression, or academic achievements - comes more naturally for some people than others. The rest of us have to work on it a bit more. But the good news is that we all can increase our EQ.

Emotional Intelligence is the key ingredient for more fulfilling relationships. Whether used for motivating yourself and others, for leading teams, or for enhancing family dynamics, it is worth the effort to continue to examine your current EQ and how you can grow it to become more emotionally smart.

And remember little Julie? She says, “fill up the squares in your heart, and in the hearts of those you love.”

Because at the end of the day it’s all about having deep, meaningful, healthy relationships with yourself and others in your life.

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Hello,

I’m Victoria Allen: a mentor of minds, champion of spirits, tender of dreams and a Courageous Lover. I’m here to support you in discovering:

* More PEACE—less chaos. * More EASE—less stress. * More LOVE—less fear.

I believe in you: I believe you have what it takes to raise your inner state. I’ll encourage you to rise up into the confidence that comes from self-acceptance, self-respect and self-trust. I’ll support you to grow self-loyalty, which opens you to greater clarity, clear boundaries and authentic choices.

Ultimately, I’ll champion you to make wise and loving choices to courageously cultivate relationships that support your life.

My life has long been a mission to help people heal.

I started my career as a nurse practitioner and from there, have dedicated over three decades as marriage and family therapist and transformational wisdom teacher.

I’ve been trained and certified as a New Agreements Coach and a dream teacher. Svaroopa-style yoga training has been hugely influential in all I teach. I’ve taught workshops all around the world.

Along the way, I’ve discovered that some of our deepest openings to LOVE come from our most painful experiences: for me, that’s included heartbreak, divorce, breast cancer, and recognizing and clearing the pain from my own faulty beliefs and habits.

But through these challenges, I’ve gained the gifts that have brought me into greater states of love and contentment. I’m here to open the wisdom space for you to find your own answers; you’re not alone.

It takes courage to grow, it takes courage to open to love and new possibilities. I believe, with the right environment to heal and grow that you can awaken and open to the true happiness + deep contentment that is already inside of you.

victoria allen

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Take a look at all of the ways we can work together here, or simply get in touch with me at: victoria@raiseyourstate.com. I can’t wait to hear from you.

P.S.: Here are a few other details about me and my work:

If I had it my way, we’d live in a world where Relationships 101 is taught in school and Courageous Loving is the priority!

Since we don’t, I’ve designed my signature program ~ Courageous Loving for women in relationship. You can find more information on https://raiseyourstate.com/courageous-loving-course/

• I specialize in dream work because I witness that Dreams are the Golden Gateway that bring our unconscious to consciousness.

• I’m based in Santa Barbara, California, and I work with my students via Zoom or phone. Whatever works best for you!

• Some of my work, the meditation circle and the spiritual retreats, is a joint creation with my husband Doug. He is the creator of the Diamond Heart Path.

• I’ve studied intensely with Don Miguel Ruiz, the author of The Four Agreements, and served as a member of his Elder Council: his work is the foundation to my own which began in 1988. My studies with several renowned spiritual masters have deepened my own consciousness, and I bring a depth of yogic teachings into my work. Thank you Mark, Swami, Rama, Kathleen and Anand.

• I answer all of the emails I get personally, and sincerely. If you reach out ~ I’ll reach back.

• Learn more about working with me at www.raiseyourstate.com