Slideshare passion retreat (2)

Don Boice, LCSW-R • Boice Counseling 585-802-1273 • Boicecounseling.com

Sex Drive

“When you harness more desire for spouse and the capacity for emotional connection there is more eagerness and anticipation for sex. This is unrelated to the sexual drive provided by biology.” Dr. David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage


Risk Everything for Love

• "Love is everything it's cracked up to be . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, your risk is even greater.” Erica Jong


Passion Retreat: Keep the Spark, You’ve

Earned it!


Goals:1. Learn tried and true ways to ignite and maintain intimacy and affection for the long haul

2. Find value in what is problematic, rather than eliminating it and not learning from it

3. Problem solve how to get it back


Allow Yourself to Experience the Feeling• Look for the good in your partner • How am I blocking?• Namaste• Remember who you are• Mantra- “love” 10,000 repetitions• I am loved• I am lovable


Oh, What a Feeling!

•Find it, feel it , create the feeling•Recreate it- like an actress/actor•Anchor the feeling state NOW•Commit to creating it (rather than treating passion like a feeling)


ConsiderConnection- not a trick or techniqueRelationships = growing adultsNeeds -valid and importantMake yourself feel acceptable and worthwhile or Be dependent on others


SexNot about sexual desireOrgasmic without intimacyOrgasm -not always -high arousal and satisfactionTremendous variations -arousal & desire


Kill PassionOR

Prioritize the relationship

Appreciate your partner

Build and sustain an enriching relationship

How is this working for you so far? What do we need to do differently?


Passion As “Unsafe”

Be careful what you ask for“Passio”- “suffer”What are your needs?Need vs Complaint


Time Machine• Neocortex• Kill passion, go back• Gender Communication-

know it or block passion - soggy logs• The chip• Flashback- Institute for the Sexually Gifted• How’d the spark get there to start?


Responsive Emotional Engagement and

Oxytocin• Oxytocin- the “cuddle hormone”• Oxytocin- thinking of loved ones, physical

proximity, physical contact, breast feeding and orgasm• Oxytocin -cascade of pleasure, comfort and

calm, contented bliss


Love• Drives us to bond emotionally• Precious few others• Safe haven from the storm, bulwark• Emotional protection- to cope with ups

and downs of existence• Emotional attachments -few irreplaceable

others -mentally and physically healthy- to survive (Susan Johnson, PhD)


Emotional Closeness• Will you respond when I am upset?• Will you reassure me when I feel separate and

distant from you?• Having closeness- more confident about

exploring the world, reaching out and connecting• Felt sense that they have my back


Safely Linked•More easily roll with the hurts they

inevitably inflict• Less likely to be aggressively hostile when

we get mad at them• Secure connection is empowering• Understand self and others more• Curiosity comes out of a sense of safety


Close Connection• Social animals• Deny this need at your own peril• Emotional isolation-more dangerous than

smoking or high blood pressure• Suffering alone is intolerable


Negative Relationships Have Consequences!

• Angina 2x rate in next five years •Women -marriage as strained & have

regular hostile interactions- likely to have significantly elevated blood pressure -higher levels of stress hormones •Women-3X risk of having a second heart

attack if discord in marriage


Relationship and Health• Conflict increases self-doubt and creates

sense of helplessness- classic triggers for depression•Marital distress raises risk for depression

tenfold• Contact with a loving partner - buffer

against shock, stress and pain


Expectations• Can I get every need that I have, met by

this one person?• Intimacy- allow yourself, your needs to be

met•We all have needs without being labeled

“needy”• Ask for your needs to be met and allow

your partner to decline


Inside Game• No, You Change • Criticism -not welcome, productive or

helpful• Show yourself to your partner as you really

are or • Hide who you are and kill passion


Albert Einstein"A human being is a part of the whole called by us 'universe'...a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as separated from the rest -- a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us."


Deeper Passion• Behavior follows this inner connection-

authentic, genuine, real• Dangerous and unpredictable to be in the

moment- passion!


Signal Health•Are you healthy?•Which domains need work?• “You look nice in those genes.” • I want your genes for my kids.


Simple Passion Building• Neglect kills relationships, which means…• Five attraction switches-PUA• Clean the house or you are lazy, depressed,

bored, selfish etc.• Apologize and forgive when appropriate


Attractive MindsetDo You:

• Acknowledge current reality • Know how to be calm and serene,

confident, positive, grateful, know what you want• Speak up for yourself• Stand on your own two feet• Keep your heart open• Access all your emotions


Do People Want to Be Around You?

• Do you accept all of you?• Intimacy or fear of being known• Balance - family, work, hobbies, exploring• Curious, creative, natural and authentic,

genuine• Independent, heroic (I know I can do it and

am not overconfident)


Passion• “Passio-To suffer or endure”• Feel vibrantly alive in everything you do, show

up, engage, authentic and honest• “Intimacy- be known”• Balance these two- in order to “tolerate” passion,

you need to self soothe (DPA), self confront and self validate (keep open)


Be Practical• Think about what you most need in order to feel

secure and loved. • Write it down. • Then begin this conversation for real with your

partner.


Script"I need to feel, to sense that: I am special to you and that you really value our relationship. I need reassurance that I am number one with you, that nothing is more important to you than us.”

“I am needed. You want me close.”


Say This• “I am safe because you care about my feelings,

hurts, and needs. “• “I can count on you to be there for me, to not

leave me alone when I need you the most.”• “I will be heard and respected. Please don't

dismiss me or leap into thinking the worst of me. Give me a chance to learn how to be with you.”


Tell Me That

• I am loved and accepted, with my failings and imperfections. I cannot be perfect for you.• I am wanted by you, as a partner and a

lover, that making me happy is important to you.• I can count on you to hear me and put

everything else aside.


Reassure MeImagine your partner saying, “I can ask you to hold me and understand that just asking is very hard for me.”

If you liked the previous pages- please read her entire book- Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, PhD. She is to be thanked for the next few slides!


Intimacy With Passion• “If you want to make love, why not use the

parts of you capable of loving?” Schnarch

• Sexual intimacy - disclosing yourself through sex-more potential for profound sexual experiences


Emotional Intimacy

Are you there for me?• Are you accessible to your partner?• Are you responsive to your partner?• Are you emotionally engaged with your

partner?


Attachment Injury• Sense of betrayal and abandonment• Address and heal or undermine trust- your

choice• Triggers relationship distress and partner

insecurity


Attachment Protest• Reaction to perceived separation• Often the first response to emotional and

physical disconnection• Designed to signal distress and get them to

respond• Characterized by anger and anxiety


Implications for Passion• Hard to be connected and respond

supportively without basic platform of safety.•When I call, will you respond?•When I am in need and alone, can I depend

on you?• Am I valued? Do I come first?• Helplessness is how our brain responds to

desertion and deprivation


“Demon Dialogues”• Obstacles to secure connection• Form self-perpetuating feedback loops1. Find the bad guy-mutual blaming and criticism2. Protest Polka – demand/withdraw cycle3. Freeze and Flee -both partners withdraw to

protect selves


Hold Me Tight

“Without feelings as our compass in the territory of close relationships, we are effectively lost.” Sue JohnsonAsk: “What is happening with us right now?”

Ask yourself-What am I afraid of? (be vulnerable and invite partner in rather than blame the other- fear is often what drives us apart)


Healing Our CycleWith appreciation to Sue Johnson•“When you _____, I do not feel safely connected to you. I tend to ______. I do this to cope with how I feel, which is usually scared at this point. I do this in hopes that ______. What I then say to myself about this relationship is ______. The more I _____, the more you _____. I recognize my role in this dance and next time I will try to _________.”


Desire and Sexual Behavior

• Start with connection (and learn how to) express that feeling through sexual behaviors.• Follow the connection and let it determine

what you do sexually. Follow it into the unknown


Sexual Satisfaction• Touch does not determine genital function and

satisfaction; emotional stimulation does


Sex Drive•Minimalists -just enough stim to achieve

goal•Want more sex? Remember: Do not

depend on sex drive to get you started-harness desire and capacity for emotional connection -anticipate sex, develop eagerness for connection


Mirror Neurons•Mirror neurons- wired to connect, prime

us for love- “I hear you.” “You matter to me.” “I am here for you. ““You can rely on me.”• Be emotionally present to pick up on these,

look at partner, physical proximity and touch


Mirror Neurons• Respond empathetically• Feel what others are experiencing• Different level than intellectually grasping

it- felt sense•Wired to connect- heritage• Prime us for love and loving• Read intentions and emotions• Bring another inside us


Resonance and Reverberating States

• Empathetic resonance- power in actually looking at each other - emotionally present & nonverbal cues• Level of engagement and empathy - lost in

less direct conversation•Mirror neurons -see emotion expressed by

another and feel it within our own body- “feeling felt” is authentic connection


Resonance• ”A sympathetic vibration between two

elements -leads them to suddenly synchronize signals and match pace and vibration. Creates a prolonged response. •We resonate with each other when -tuned

into each other physiologically. Then emotional states converge.”


Wave• Resonance triggers a wave of emotion in a crowd• We are “on the same wavelength, so that we

literally share in the experience of others.”


VasopressinHormone produced in the brain, closely related to oxytocin, Peaks during arousal (and oxytocin peaks during ejaculation) Triggers a preference for a particular partner -aggressively guard that partner from other suitors


It is Wired-In• Romantic love is all about attachment and

emotional bonding. ..our wired-in need to have someone to depend on, a loved one who can offer reliable emotional connection and comfort.

• “Recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to, and dependent on, your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection. “ Johnson


Emotion Focused Therapy by Susan

Johnson, PhD• “EFT focuses on creating and strengthening this

emotional bond between partners by identifying and transforming the key moments that foster an adult loving relationship: being open, attuned, and responsive to each other.”


Oxytocin

• “The Cuddle hormone”• Neurotransmitter most associated with

bonding -mother and infants & between sexual partners


Oxytocin• Oxytocin released- bliss, even from

thinking of your loved ones and seeing a photo• Oxytocin increases our ability to trust and

interact with others


Oxytocin• Synthesized in the hypothalamus • Found only in mammals• Important role during nursing , labor and

orgasm• Promotes close contact , affiliative

behaviors, positive social interaction• Higher levels of oxytocin, more we want to

approach and engage with others


Oxytocin• Appears to inhibit aggressive and defensive

behaviors• Depresses/inhibits production of stress

hormones like cortisol• Skin on skin, touch, and warmth prime oxytocin

manufacture


Pain is Pain• Rejection and exclusion trigger the same

circuits as physical pain

Let that sink in

How is this working for you so far? What do we need to do differently?


Who Here Has a Neocortex?

It determines the impact* of the physical stimulation we receive, whether or not we reach orgasm and how emotionally involved we are.


Your NeocortexLearning sex techniques and how to touch your partner is no longer your first priority.Use your brain•Prefrontal Cortex-calm it- Dr. Coan•Insula- for empathy- Daniel Goleman•Dopamine/Serotonin balance for “in love”•Profound sexual experiences –measurable?


What Else Can I Do?• Susan John- Hold Me Tight- many slides refer to

her work. Check her YouTube videos• Sacrifice-willing to absorb the bad for your child,

your spouse, those you love• Yoga breathing – helps mirror neurons• Letting go is often the solution• Compassion is absolute sensitivity, unbiased love,

and is limitless concern for everything in existence

BREAK


Remember Who You Are• Consciousness -a magic show -nothing is

there and nothing really happened• Fundamental awakened state -never been

diminished or destroyed, obscured by ignorance• Independent existence or inherent nature

(fear/passion etc)


Peaceful• Rest in the state of equanimity- no preference,

see clearly• “There's nothing that needs to be done, fixed or

changed. ” Repeat this phrase a few times• There is no need to attach and no need to have

aversion.• It just doesn’t matter (Meatballs)


Projection• Concept• Rose Colored Glasses• Get to know your mind• Know-it-All example• No more criticism• 70% of what you say is projection- proxy fightsBREAK


Self as Center of the Universe

Reactions the "I" can have when perceives something outside itself as "other“:1. Attracted- wish to possess /control it -make it part of ourselves2. Reject, push away, try to destroy it3. Ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist


“Special” Relationships• Ego wants to be special- rejects

equanimity and impartiality strongly•Mother Earth provides equally with

impartial generosity toward all• Not see clearly


Allow and Passion Arises

What if •all phenomena share the same essential nature so you regarded everything as equal? Allow = appear different•there's nothing we need to fight against or from which we need protection or defense? Child-like wonder of acceptance

Luminous Emptiness


Should I Get Divorced?“Do not get divorced or break up unless you must- simply too painful unless you have to” Don Boice


Fighting Passion Killers• Disputation when passion hits- how to dispute it• Seek self control versus control of your partner-

storiesWHAT KILLS YOUR PASSION?BREAK


What Have You Tried?You’ve tried the easy straightforward stuff. Have you tried:•Mudras•Yoga poses•Couple yoga poses•Couples massage•Couples reikiBREAK


Have You Tried• Visualization and fantasy• Picture yourself walking on the beach- Hawaii-

Fiji• Who is not in love in such a wonderful natural

environment, with nothing to worry about, great food and relaxed?• If that’s the feeling you need- RECREATE it!BREAK


Energy Follows Intention

• Want more passion? Set your Intention-Energy Follows intention• “I want more passion, more juice, more

authenticity in my life”- yell it from the mountaintop!• Accept it when it comes• Self acceptance often precedes passion


Open Your Heart• Can you be simultaneously passionate and self-

protective, enthusiastic and reserved?• Want closeness? Open it• Soothe yourself enough to open it• DPA• Can you still be true to yourself when you hurt?

Then you are ready for passion.• Can you handle the passion or do you collapse?


Gender Communication• Stereotypes Qualifier-balance

Yin and Yang• Block communication- Please

do the dishes• Please stop insisting that he

become magically verbal- he can love you in many different ways


Gender CommunicationThe Stereotypes:•He speaks to exchange info,to make a point, to problemsolve, demonstrating mastery,power/control not rely on anyone, a sense of independence•She usually is more verbal and connects that way, builds relationship and uses details, disagreement threatens relationship


How Clear is He?


Needs• Secure relationships- springboard- arousing

adventures and encounters• Keeping your physical relationship open,

responsive and engaged helps keep your emotional connection strong• Seek and lose emotional connection- reach out to

find it again• Be deliberate about your love


Needs• I need to know that I'm precious to you. • I feel the need to be cherished. • I need to know that you are there for me.

BREAK


Better Now Than When You Were Younger?

• Women’s Sexual Peak? 18 vs. 60• Able to be open, ask for what want, know

what want, experience


Suggested Reading• Art of Sexual Ecstasy

by Margo Anand- (A course in enhancing pleasure and deepening intimacy- beyond orgasm) tons of exercises- very practical and esoteric•Hot Monogamy by Pat Love•Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel• Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch


Want More Passion in the Bedroom?

• Pay Attention to Your Own Erotic Imagination• Move Beyond the Security of the Familiar But

Comfortable• Emotionally and Physically Love Without Losing

Yourself• Challenge Your ViewsBREAK


Attachment and Passion• Live a better life when attached• Connect or compete• Healthy people need others• Sense of community is being eroded by the

myth that we can do it all and -ourselves• Healthy dependence is the essence of

romantic loveBREAK


Are You Ready For Passion?

• Forget passion- we can’t even talk without being afraid it will blow up• Parameters for talking• Talker/Listener• Prevent, avoid, repair in moment,

afterwardsBREAK


I love Love• Culture of separateness - biology rejects it• Oxytocin floods lovers' bodies-calm joy -

everything is right with the world- bodies set up for this kind of connection• A loving relationship expands our sense of

who we are and our confidence in ourselves.


How Does Love Work?• Lasting loving bond= tune into our deepest needs

/longings –send clear signals -lovers respond • Give and Receive• Recognize and accept the primal code of

attachment


Made For Love• Pay real attention• Come very close sometimes and• Respond to us in an emotional way that moves

us, connects with us.

Nothing compares with that.


Bond, Connect, Nurture, Attach, Caretake

• Connection -holding is deeply calming and satisfying, receiving or giving• Adult love also involves sexuality and caretaking • Attachment is the bottom line


Our Nature• Wired for connection with others• To bond intimately with precious few,-connect

with others, our friends, colleagues, our tribe• When we are at our best, we offer support and

caring to others because we recognize that they are just like us, human and vulnerable.


Are Men and Women Different?

•The Female Brain By Louann Brizendine (2006)•Women use both hemispheres to

respond to emotional experiences whereas men use only one hemisphere (Wagner and Phan, 2003)


Emotional Differences•Women’s limbic systems differ -they may

cry more easily or show emotion differently than men do (Siegel, 1999)• Connections between the emotional

centers in women is more active and more extensive (Cahill, 2003)


Altruistic• Posterior superior temporal cortex-

region of the brain that is typically involved with inferring the purposeful acts and intentions of others (Dr. Huettel) right posterior superior temporal cortex directly correlated to altruistic behavior


The Alpha Male• Low serotonin? Men become aggressive

and take risks • Testosterone increases aggressive, sexual

and competitive behaviors, more likely to make risky decisions with money• Dopamine released when competing-

activate reward circuits in brain


Gratification• Prefrontal medial cortex - thrives on instant

gratification

• Dorsolateral cortex - shuts down brain response to immediate gratification

• How is this working for you so far? What do we need to do differently?


GABA•Recent studies of yoga show an

association between regular practice increased GABA levels (A neurotransmitter whose low levels are related to depression and anxiety).


How Many Shades of Gray?

Meditate regularly•A reduction of gray matter in the amygdala - the region of the brain where fear and anxiety are triggered•An increase of gray matter in the hippocampus -which plays a key role in memory formation


Insula• High activation found in people highly

attuned to their inner emotional life• Future of matchmaking?


Ethics and Efficacy• Complying and supplicating• Trying too hard to impress• Bragging instead of connecting• Attraction Switches- Exciting life, Emotional

connection, Leader of the Pack, Ambitious life goals, Protector, I turn her on (PUA)


Demonstrate Your Worth

How to sell yourself without braggingStories do it for me


What is love?• “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not

envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” —I Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV)

http://www.christiananswers.net/dictionary/love.html

http://www.christiananswers.net/dictionary/humility.html

http://www.christiananswers.net/dictionary/anger.html

http://www.christiananswers.net/dictionary/truth.html

http://www.christiananswers.net/dictionary/hope.html

http://www.christiananswers.net/bible/1cor13.html#Goals:


Deeper Relationship• Remember who you are• What is your purpose?• What barriers to love have you built in yourself?• Creator, the divine, God


Course in Miracles• Religion vs spirituality• Different sources of wisdom• Forgiveness• Give love to all• Control


Happiness• I refuse to be happy unless ____• Happiness and being in control • Wisdom from the Tao Te Ching• Who am I to judge?


Do Not Fight Yourself in Others

Great quotes to consider in light of your relationship with yourself and your partner


Boundaries and Communion

• Learn from everyone, even if you do not agree• Barbara Brennan and energy centers• Allow yourself to consider possibilities• How do you block?• How’s your energy today?


Dan Millman Book• What’s our purpose together as a couple?• What might we do to encourage mutual growth?


Happiness and Couples• Learn from Gottman- read his books and listen to

his YouTubes• Get weekend retreat in a box• Clarify, validate• “We need help with communication”• “Neglect of the marriage”• Empathy


FAQ• Common complaints of clients and ideas to

address


Intimacy, CommitmentIdeas and theories about love and passion


Theories of Love• Religious• Historical• Cultural • Chemical• Psychological


Cultural background• Each culture presented looks at love differently• Some are very different from the way our

society/culture looks at love- Wikipedia does a nice overview on this


Emotional Connection• Do you know how to connect?• Do you have deep and meaningful conversations?• “You’re going to die alone.”• Ever get stuck in a bad conversation and not sure

how to get out?• Ever wonder why they like connection so much?


Emotional Connection Continued

• How well do you maintain friendships with guy friends, your family?• Does she send the cards and make the calls or do

you?• Could you improve in this area and surprise her?• Several ideas for better responses when she is

looking for connection


End of Emotional Connection

• What is she saying?• I take her literally and she gets really angry• I am not sure what she means and I just try to

answer without her getting angry at me


• See notes Time Article on Love• Signal good genes• Scent/Taste -related? who is primed to conceive?• “You made me feel good” vs brain’s chemicals• Sustainable? Companion is not an exciting term!• Realistic to expect that level?


Flirting• Ovid about 2000 years ago- The Art of Love• Crazy love and flirting• Flirting means you are prepared for physical

engagement• Who is the most desirable person who will

accept me= dating• Are you emotionally committed and connected to

me?


Catalysts for Connection

• Vulnerability• Proximity• Resonance • Similarity • Shared CommunityClick by Ori Brafman and Rom Brafman


Learned Optimism and CBT

• Permanence• Pervasiveness• Personal• Thought-catching, Automatic thoughts,

Generating more accurate explanations• Decatastrophizing


Don’t Repeat Mistakes in the Next Argument

•What were you feeling? •What was your subjective reality? •What part of your partner’s subjective

reality can you understand? •What were your unstated needs here?


Feedback Loop• Now that you are calm, what was your

contribution to this fight? • What does this pattern remind you of? • What is one thing you can do to improve the next

conversation?


Couples Counseling Goals

• End gridlock• Process a fight without a counselor• Set up rituals of connection• Enhance communication• Take responsibility for your part of the

relationship


Goals- Continued• Increase the amount of positive interactions• Create and maintain, fun, romance, passion and

intimacy


Couples Exercises• Focus on what you find attractive when

they are their best self, their best day• Prompt yourself to appreciate your

partner• Call to mind what you do -take partner for

granted•Memory of being sensual with partner• What do YOU do to bring passion?


More Exercises• Remember a good conversation wherein

you felt very bonded• Recall laughter you have shared• Call to mind how important your partner is

in raising the children, if you have children• Pay attention to how you feel when you are

in true partnership• Call to mind how you rely on your partner


Couple Exercises• Be mindful of how you apologize, recall an

example• Call to mind a time you really needed your

partner and they were there for you• Search your memory for when you felt

really bonded with your partner- what were you doing?


Exercises-continued•Where did that connection lead you?• Think about holding hands, touching,

cuddling, foreplay and sex with your partner•What do you need to do differently to

recapture and recreate those feelings?


• One pattern -simply by imagining these things, my feelings are involved

Please ask yourself these questions: Who is making me feel these feelings? When I change my perspective or point of

view, why do my feelings change? Do I have to feel the way I am feeling?


Responsibility• Stop expecting your partner to make you

feel a certain way. That is your job.•We are responsible for how we feel. • Do not like how you feel? Change it.

If you really want to be happy, no one can stop you.


• Passion - always there, not recognized and accessed-actively being blocked by our defenses •Which feelings do you avoid and how are

you avoiding them?• Denying that I have needs and wants does

not truly protect me. It actually makes me delusional.


• Develop ability to actively ask for what you want/need and sometimes in life, you do not get what you want• Be open to whatever happens, without

preconceived notions. • You can have preferences, just realize

simply because you have a preferred outcome, you are not entitled to that outcome.


Try These• Gratitude List• Positive Energy- good spirits/self care• Erotic Imagination- know yourself and

what you like•Move Beyond the Familiar and

Comfortable Behaviors, While Staying Engaged•Melting Hug- Hug Until Relaxed


Experiment• Eyes Open (Kissing, Sex, Orgasm)• Help yourself open up• Stay open• Soothe yourself when stressed• Learn to soothe your partner as well• Opening up is easier when you do not feel

defensive, challenged, threatened or anxious.

• Do you want to be with me? Do you want to get to know me? Do you want to spend time with me?


Can You Handle it?• Can you still be you, even when things get

difficult, when you feel rejected, can you still be true to yourself? • That is preparation for passion. • Can you handle the passion or does it

trigger you to either collapse or go off?


Profound Sex• Determined more by personal maturation than

physiological reflex• Coping, managing emotions and being open,

more apt to have profound sexual experiences • If sexual intimacy means “disclosing yourself

through sex,” then people who can let themselves be known have more potential for profound sexual experiences. (Passionate Marriage- Schnarch)


Saying No to Sex• Saying no to sex does not kill it. How you

respond -can kill it. • Showing annoyance when you hear “no”

has many layers • Does the person have the right to not want

it? • Do you follow up with that person because

you are emotionally connected?


Talking About Sex• Do you insist on never having needs again

to protect from feeling rejected? • Can you be true to your adult self in the

midst of feeling rejected? • Do you really want to make love with

someone who is not in the mood? •Wouldn't you rather know it than force or

coerce a “yes”?


Better Passion• Harness more desire for your partner

(Reminder: Sexual behavior is not about sexual desire)• Slow it down and • Build your capacity for emotional

connection. How? • Clarify, read between lines ;check

assumptions, validate, tolerate intense emotions


Chores and Connectedness

• Sociologist Constance Gager has conducted studies- found that sharing chores actually helps couples stay connected. • The more housework men do, the more sex they

have. • It affects how much energy the woman had

overall for everything.


Communication• Are you communicating that your partner

is a priority? Are you initiating conversations, talking about who you are and what makes you tick? Are you trying to score points by paying attention to their likes and dislikes? Are you communicating that you do not care? •What are you consciously communicating

about yourself?


Passionate Marriage Book

• When we communicate, we are letting others know how we feel about feelings themselves.• Some value emotions highly and others do not.

When the couple does not see eye to eye on this one, emotional connection can be a challenge.• Consider reading Chapman’s book on Love

Languages. Each person has a preferred way to hear that they are loved and appreciated.


How do you grow passion?

• See the beauty in it, • Feed it, • Give it energy, • Be involved and engaged


Tell Me About Your Day• Details = Good partner or interrogation• Feelings= I care or I have no boundaries and

invade• Connection• Power/Hierarchy• Differentiation or Fusion?• We negotiate it differently if we know this is part

of growing and developing


• Ways -which we connect emotionally, ways we value emotions -more important than ways we actually physically touch one another. • Horniness and reduction of sexual tension vs

desire for partner; wanting to share something with her.


Secure• Be in the moment- (untethered soul is

capable of greater passion)• Early in the relationship, you focus on

commonalities as long as you both agree you feel validated and secure. • Or you can feel secure in yourself and can

self validate


• Emotional gridlock is when I am no longer willing to adapt to partner and not willing to confront myself. This will happen in any relationship that has growth. This is not pathological. This is "falling out of love." The above was from Passionate Marriage by Schnarch.


Signal Attraction• Sociologist Julie Brines -sexual frequency

was higher in couples where the man spent more time doing such traditionally masculine chores as bill paying and yardwork.


We’re Bringing Sexy Back

• Just be with me and stop talking• Let’s watch game together• Experience the moment- not chasing

entertainment nor serious talk• Great power and pain in your dreams-same

amount of work to pursue or give up on your dreams• Remember who you are


Bringing Sexy Back-2• Can’t please everybody and not worth the time

trying to conform• Stand tall and be positive• No apologies for who you are• Be comfortable in your own skin• Express yourself and your individuality


Margot Anand• Quotes -Art of Sexual Ecstasy


Stanislav Grof• “The individual is flooded by light of

supernatural beauty and experiences a state of divine epiphany. He or she has a deep sense of emotional, intellectual and spiritual liberation and gains access to breathtaking realms of cosmic inspiration and insight.”

Stanislav Grof, Beyond the Brain


Deep Thoughts• “The secret of sexual energy, therefore, is not

only that it is capable of begetting new generations, but that it has a second function of much greater importance for man; to lead his consciousness step by step up the great Jacob’s ladder of consciousness to God.”

Elisabeth Haich, Sexual Energy and Yoga


Sex and Testosterone• Prolactin during breast feeding• Much higher in the am• Offer food before you are hungry


Mating in Captivity quotes

• Worth considering


More quotes• Want the transcript for sections that were read?

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CourtingHow to develop passion:• You could not get enough of one another•It felt effortless•Be 100% with your partner in this present moment•Be open to every single experience that is occurring, not changing it or manipulating it


Gender Agenda

• “Women need to appreciate the depth of passion that can be expressed through eye contact, touch and body language. Men need to be more verbally communicative.” Margot Anand• Men- Autonomy, independence, mastery• Women- intimacy, connection, feel close


What is Said Versus What is Heard

• She asks for more kissing and touching- he hears criticism of performance• She asks him to talk about unmet sexual needs-

he hears invasion of privacy• She asks him to talk to communicate- he shows

caring and desire to please, to love on the most profound level -via sex


Hot Monogamy quotes

• “The strongest indicator of sexual and marital satisfaction for women was the ability to express sexual feelings to their partner.” (speak openly and honestly to their partner)• “We all long to feel loved, cherished and desired.

If you always want sex, when do you want me?”

Date post:	11-Apr-2017
Category:	Self Improvement
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