Some Humorous English Folk Tales. Part One

Some Humorous English Folk Tales. Part OneAuthor(s): E. M. WilsonSource: Folklore, Vol. 49, No. 2 (Jun., 1938), pp. 182-192Published by: Taylor & Francis, Ltd. on behalf of Folklore Enterprises, Ltd.Stable URL: http://www.jstor.org/stable/1257773 .

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182 Collectanea

SOME HUMOROUS ENGLISH FOLK TALES

PART ONE

DURING the last few years I have taken down a number of folk tales from a few residents in Crosthwaite, Westmorland. The humorous tale is still very much alive in this county and I am sure that a large number of other tales await the folk- lorist in other parts of the country. When my collection has

grown larger I hope to publish it completely with a lengthy study of various aspects of these tales. Meanwhile a few samples may spur others to similar efforts elsewhere. The story-telling tradition cannot be expected to last very much longer, but it is not too late to begin collecting now.

All these tales I have taken down literally from my informants in their own words. I have tried always to make sure that the stories do not come directly from such written sources as the

funny stories columns in The Farmer and Stock-breeder, The Red

Letter, etc. On the other hand such papers as those mentioned

get many of their tales from people who are in contact with the

living tradition. Many of my tales are in dialect, but I have been careful not to put in dialect spellings when the words used

approximated to standard English. The dialect spellings that I have used are only an indication of how the words were

spoken; they cannot claim strict phonetic accuracy. Differ- ences of spelling of the same word correspond to differences of

pronunciation by the teller; these may partly be accounted for

by a certain self-consciousness during the dictation.

TALES RECOGNISED AS INTERNATIONAL

I. The Two Little Scotch Boys These two little twins their parents was... one was catholic

and t'other was protestant. When they got to school age both

parents wanted them to go to their religion's school, like. So

they said they wouldn't quarrel over it; one could go to one school and the other to the other. Both of these boys was good scholars, but one's master was jealous of him getting above his own son, so he said to him :



Collectanea 183

" Before I put you top of your class, you've to answer me three questions, and I'll give you till to-morrow morning to answer them. First is, the weight of the moon, the depth of the

sea, and what am I thinking about? " When he got home he wouldn't play with his other brother

(who was) sitting in a chair, so his brother asked him what was the matter. He said: " The master has given me three questions to answer before he'll let me be the top of my class." His brother said : " What are the questions? "

When he told him, he said: " Never mind t'questions. I'll

go to your school in t'morning and you go to mine, and we'll ask our mates where one another sits."

So in the morning both brothers went to opposite schools, like. After t'master called his registers out he asked him to stand up and answer his questions.

" Now my first question is the weight of the moon? " " A hundred-weight, sir." " How do you make that out? " " Four quarters in a hundred-weight and four quarters in

t'moon." He said: " Very good my little boy. Now," he said, " the

depth of the sea? " " A stone' throw, sir." " How do you make that out? " " When you throw a stone it'll go straight to the bottom." " Very good, my little chap," he said, " the third and hardest

question: what am I thinking about? " " Please sir, you're thinking I am wee Bobby, but I'm not.

I'm wee Tommy." Notes. Told by Mrs. Haddow of Haycote Farm, near Bowland

Bridge, Westmorland, Jan. 1936. Heard from a travelling Scotchman about twelve years ago. It is a modern variant of the type, King 7ohn and the Abbot of Canterbury, Aarne and Thompson-922.

2. The Contrary Wife This farmer was brought up for the murder of his wife. Well,

after t'judge had been talking all afternoon to him, t'farmer



184 Collectanea

said: " It's about time ah was ga-en yam to feed. But before ah go ye'll like to kna how it aw appened." And t'judge said:

" That's what we've been asking you all afternoon." " Well," t'farmer said, " it was this way. My wife was one

o' them contrairy soort. An' gittin' up late one sunday mornin' ah said: 'We'll nut ga to t'church this mornin' ; it's gitten a bit leeat.'

" And she said: 'Yes we will. Git thisel finished and we'll

gang.' " So when we set off ah said : ' Shall we ga t'neerest rooad? ' " And she said: ' No, we'll ga this t'other way.' " So ga-en the way as she wanted us tull, we ad to ga across

a wooden brig, an' ah says tull er: 'Ah'll ga t'first an' see if its seeaf.'

" She said: 'Neea, ye wain't; I's ga-en t'first.' " And when she got hafe-way across, t'brig ga'e way, an' she

went in. And me thinking she would be still contrairy, ah ran as ard as ah could up t'beck. An' she was that jolly contrairy she went t'udder way. And so when ah got er oot, she was deead. She's been contrairy aw er life," he said.

Notes. Told by Mrs. Haddow, April 1936. She heard it from a neighbouring farmer, who heard it from an old woman in Ambleside. A. & T. No. 1365 A.

Yam-home, leeat-late, tull-to, seeaf-safe, hafe-half, beck-stream.

3. The Irishman's Hat This Irishman, he'd got fifteen pounds and he didn't want to

take it hay-timing with him, so he went to the first public- house and asked the landlord if he would keep five pounds for him. " Certainly." And he said: " When I come back I don't want everyone to know our business, so if I lift my hat and say : " Do you remember the man with the white hat with a green band round it? (Then you will give me the money.) " So he went to the next public-house and said the same there, and to the third public-house and said the same there.

And so when he was coming home from his hay-time place a butcher with his cart overtook him. And they got on about



Collectanea 185

money matters and the Irishman said : " I can get money when you can't." And the butcher said: " How will you manage it? " So they had a bet of five pounds. So when they came to the first public-house they went in and the butcher ordered drinks apiece. So when the landlord brought them, the Irish- man lift' his hat and said: " Do you remember the man with the white hat with a green band round it? "

The landlord said: " Yes, there's five pounds for him." So t'Irishman said to t'butcher: " Come on, let's try t'next

pub." And there they did all t'same again, and t'butcher called for drinks as before and everything.

And they said: " Well, we'll go to the next." And all was said again-he got his five pounds again and so he got his fifteen pounds.

T'butcher said: " I think I'll try t'next." And t'Irishman said: " You'll want this hat." And t'butcher said: " How much for it? " He says: " Five pounds." So t'butcher, going into the next public he came to, ordered

himself a drink. And when the landlord brought it he lift' his hat and said: " Do you remember the man with the white hat with a green band round it? "

And t'landlord said: " No, what's up wi' 'im? " He says: " Isn't there five pund for me? " T'landlord said: " No, there's mi shoe if ye aren't gittin'

out." So t'butcher lost his five pound bet. Notes. Told by Mrs. Haddow, March 1936. She heard it from

her father-in-law, who was a native of Ulverston. A. & T. No. 1539.

4. The Lad who was never Hungry (The farmer was talking to the lad at the hiring fair.) T'

farmer asked him if he was a good getter up. " O aye," he said, he was a good gitter up, he says : " Ye kna I's nivver tired, ah's nivver hungry an' ah's nivver dry." " Oh! " he says, " tha's just t'reet fella for me."

So when he lands up to t'place, whatever's set before him he



I86 Collectanea

eats it, whatever he has to drink he drinks it all, and whenever he went to bed he always went in good time-nine o'clock prompt. So it went on for a few days, so t'boss said to him:

"I thowt thou was nivver hungry, nivver dry an' nivver tired."

" Nay," he said. " It's o' this way. I it afoor I's hungry, I sup before I's dry, and ah ga to bed afoor I's tired."

Notes. Told by Mrs. Emily Harrison in Sept. 1937. She heard it from an old farmer who came from Preston, when she was hired at Ulverston fair as a young girl. (She is a native of Askham-in-Furness, but since her marriage she has lived in Crosthwaite.) The farmer told the story as having occurred to himself with a new farm lad. A. & T. No. 1561.

It-eat.

5. Father, I think There was a boy who was always making silly remarks and

annoying his father very much. So one day his father said to him: " Tommy, you are always making silly remarks without thinking. Now when you want to make a remark you must always think three times before you speak."

The next day the father was standing with his back to the fire. Tommy looked at him and then said very slowly:

" Father, I think- Father, I think- Father, I think your coat-tails are on fire." " You silly boy! Why didn't you say so at once?"

Notes. Told by my father, Mr. Norman F. Wilson, in March, 1936, who heard it about sixty years ago, probably from a Kendal nurse-maid. A. & T. No. 1562.

I cut out the following version of this tale from " Uncle Sid's Cheery Chuckles Page " in The Red Letter for April 4, 1936.

They took his word! The teacher, to impress on his pupils the need of thinking

before speaking, told them to count one hundred before saying anything important.



Collectanea 187

A few days later he was speaking with his back to the fire when he noticed several lips moving rapidly. Suddenly the whole class shouted: " Ninety-nine, a hundred! Your coat's on fire, sir."-Janet M'Intyre, Castle Douglas.

6. The Three Foreigners There was three Frenchmen came to England and none of

them could speak English. So to find out they went outside a

public-house and listened to see what they could hear. They heard one man say: " Us three." So the first man thought of that. Then they heard another man say: " Fifteen bob." So the second man kept that in his head. Then they heard a third man say: " Nowt but reet and should be done." So the third one thought of that.

The next day they saw a dead man lying in the roadside. And the policeman came on and said : " Who has done this?"

And the first man said: " Us three." The policeman said: " What did you do it for? " The second man said: " Fifteen bob." And the policeman said: " Well, ye'll have to be hung for

this." The third man said: " Nowt but reet, and should be done."

Notes. Told by Richard Harrison, native of Crosthwaite, aged 16 when he told me this tale in Jan. 1936. He heard it from a farm-labourer born near Whitehaven. A. & T. No. 1697.

A chap-book version of this tale is reprinted in Amusing Prose

Chap-Books, chiefly of last Century, by R. H. Cunningham, London, 1889.

7. The Deaf Man and the Pig-Trough There was a man that was very deaf, and he was making a

stone pig-trough one day. And he saw a mnan coming along the road and he know he would ask him something about what he was doing. So he thought if he asked him what he was making he would say a pig-trough ; and if he said how much he wanted for it, he would say fifteen shilling; and if he wouldn't buy it, he would say: " If thou doesn't someone else will."



I88 Collectanea

The man asked him the way to Bolton, and the deaf man said : " Pig-trough."

And the man said: "I asked you if this was the way to Bolton."

And the deaf man replied: " Fifteen bob." The other man said: " If tha's gaan to be cheeky I'll punch

thi back-side." And the deaf man said: " If thou doesn't someone else will." Notes. Told by Richard Harrison who heard it some five or

six years ago locally. A. & T. No. 1698. I suspect this version ultimately derives from a dialect piece that sold widely last century and was frequently a favourite at penny readings. It is called 3onny Shippard et Heeam, by the Rev. Thomas Clarke of Ormside. I quote the relevant passage:

Then weed creeak Geoardy; bet he was a varra whyat daesent sooart ov a nebber. Bet raether shaal, es deeaf es a steean, an' usta toke awae tul hisel, an' fer udther fooak as weel. Yance hed an aald holla tree et grew bet side et rooad. Soa he teeak it intle his heead it heed hag it doon. An awae he gaas tokan tul hisel. Ses he, " al ga an hagg it doon, an mappm sumbody al cu by, an thael ex ma what's ta gaan t'meeak on't? Al sae pig-trowfs. Thae'll sae hoo mitch apiece. Al sae a shillin. Thael sae that's ower mitch, al net githa it. I'se sae wyah if ye waent sumbody else will.' Sooa Geoardy was hagan away. An eftre a bit cus up a chap a horseback. Bet he spak in a bett- remer sooart ov a wae, an ext, " Is this t'reet rooad ta Sleddale heead? " " Pig-trowfs," ses Geoardy. "A think yer daft," ses he. "A shilling," ses Geoardy. " A'av a good mind ta git off an githa a reet good braein," ses he. " Wyah," ses Geoardy, " if ye wain't sumbody else will."

Specimens of the dialects of Westmorland. Part First. Kendal, 1897. (There were earlier editions however), p. 25. There are other folk tales in these dialect works, viz. : Butcher man an' his Cofe (Anon)-how the shoemaker stole the calf twice from the butcher who thus had to buy it three times. A Reg'lar Daft Watty-Sending shoes by telegraph, quarreling with the Echo, pouring water on the quicklime (By Mr. William Wilson).



Collectanea 189

These two works are included in Part Second of the above series. The story of throwing the sheep's eyes is the central incident in

Billy Tyson's Coortin, by A. B. Taylor, published in Kendal late last century.

8. The Chinaman and the Oranges A green-grocer engaged a Chinaman to sell oranges at the

Railway Station. As the Chinaman knew no English the green- grocer told him how to answer the most probable questions. The first was : How much are the oranges? The answer would be: Fifteen shilling. The second should be: Are they juicy? As they weren't very juicy the answer was to be: Some are and some aren't. Should the questioner then say he would not buy the rejoinder was to be : If you don't someone else will.

The Chinaman went to the Railway Station. " What time does the next train go to Exeter? " was the

question put to him by a traveller. " Fifteen shilling," was the reply. The traveller, indignant at what he thought to be leg-pulling,

said angrily: " Is everyone in this place as daft as you are? " " Some are and some aren't," was the reply. The traveller, losing his temper shouted " If you try to

make a fool of me I'll hit you on the head with my umbrella." The innocent Chinaman answered: " If you don't someone

else will."

Notes. Told by Mr. Ronald Hilton, a research student in

Spanish literature, on board H.M.S. Devonshire, on our journey from Valencia to Marseilles, Aug. 1936. He heard the story in

Torquay, where " everybody knows it." It is possibly a variant of number 7.

9. The Parson and the Shepherd Lad

There was a boy driving some sheep along the road and he

kept hitting them with his stick and making his dog bite them and torturing them. And there was a vicar coming along the

road, and he was a man who didn't like to see animals being tortured. So he stopped the boy and told him that he ought to

N



Igo Collectanea

be more kind to the animals. He said he ought to call them by names, and the boy said he didn't know any names to call them.

So the vicar said: " Call one Our Father, and another Which art in Heaven, and another Thy Kingdom come."

And so the boy didn't listen any longer and he went on clashing in at the sheep again and setting his dog on to them.

And a day or two after he met the vicar again, and he (the vicar) asked him how he got on with his sheep. And the boy said : " Er! Parson. Our Father was a rascal, and Which art in Heaven ran into Thy Kingdom come and knocked it a horn off! "

Notes. Told by Richard Harrison, April 1936. He heard it from the old cowherd on Walney Island who looks after the

young calves of all the farmers, but is housed each year by different farmers in turn. The tale is perhaps A. & T. No. 1833 D; it seems certainly to be related to an old tale printed in The Folk-Lore Record, Vol. II, p. 133.

Io. The Two Chaps who went to Heaven

Well there was two chaps were going to Heaven; one was called Jack and the other one Joe. Jack started off up the ladder first and Joe said he would wait at the bottom and see what happened; he hadn't the guts in him like Jack had. When Jack was nearing the top he met St. Peter, and St. Peter asked him where he was going to, and how he directed the ladder to get as far. Jack told him he was going on an expedition to Heaven, and his mate Joe was waiting at the bottom to see what happened, and if he didn't come back within two days he would set off back home. St. Peter said: "I must have all your sins down on this slate before you can go any further."

It wasn't very long before Jack was trooping down again, and when he got to the bottom, Joe said to him: " What the hang- ment hes ta co'e back for? "

Jack said : " I've co'e back for a laid o' chalk; we've run out up yonder."

Notes. Told by Richard Harrison, in Sept. 1937, he heard it locally. It seems to be the same tale as A. & T. No. 1848,* only the Gates of Heaven have taken the place of the earthly confessional.



Collectanea 191

I I. The Three Premiers who went to Heaven

There was three premiers, an Englishman, a Scotchman and a

Welshman were going to Heaven. Well they started off and when they got to the gates they saw the door-keeper standing. They took no notice of him for the minute, and he grabbed hold of the Englishman and asked him where they were all going to. So they said: " Oh, we are going to Heaven."

So he said: " Well, I'll have to have your sins written down

first, and for so many sins you'll have to canter once round the garden." And the garden was about fifty acres.

So the Englishman looked a bit surprised, the Welshman

nearly fell, but the Scotty didn't much mind. When he'd weighed all their sins up he said to the Englishman: " You have to run once round, so get along and don't delay about it."

When he came puffing back he told him to stand on the other side of the gates (and) he told the Scotchman to gallop round five times. When he landed back again the door-keeper said: " Where's t'Welshman at? "

The chap standing by said: " Oh, he's just popped yam for his bicycle."

Notes. Told by Richard Harrison, Dec. 1937. He heard it from a joiner in the adjoining parish. It is clearly a recent version of the preceding tale.

12. The Dog and the Hares

(A man was bragging about his dog. His companion said) he had a better dog than that, his was a whippet and a grand dog for rabbittin', a terrible dog for hares-and he would take this man with him to shew him what this dog would do. So they went up intull a field where they knew there was some hares, and they would try it. But he said: " We'll take a lay along wi' us."

" What '11 we want wi' a lay? " " Oh! " he said, " we might need it." So he knocked t'lay out o't'pole, and (he) would just want

t'blade and didn't want t'pole. So away they went up into this field. Ye know there's a smoot-hole through t'wa' at t'bottom



192 Collectanea

of t'field, and hares generally went through that smoot-he knew that. So he put t'lay in wi' t'point facing t'same way that t'hare was coming, and so they went up t'breast and loosed

t'dog. T'dog put a hare up directly and away they went down t'field towards t'smoot; another hare jamp up and followed. But instead of t'hares goin' through t'smoot they jamp the wall. But the dog took to t'smoot and went through and split itself in two-it was going that fast-and one half went after one hare and one half after the other.

Notes. Told by Mr. James D. Harrison, native of Crosth-

waite, in Sept. 1936. He heard it some years ago in the bar of the Royal Hotel, Bowness on Windermere. They were on about dogs-" a great place for dogs is Bowness "-and a cock and bull story about a dog was told, which he has forgotten. Another man got up and repeated this story to cap it. Cf. A. & T. No. 1889.

Lay-a scythe-blade, smoot-hole in the bottom of a wall for rabbits and hares, etc. to go through.

13. The Barn is Burning For my version of this well-known tale, see Folk-Lore, Vol.

XLVII, p. 194. To the parallels there quoted add: Lincolnshire Folk-Lore (by Mrs. Gutch, F.L.S., p. 222) and Zaor Hurston Mules and Men, London, 1936, p. Io9.

E. M. WILSON

(To be continued)

A CURIOUS SCOTTISH MARRIAGE CUSTOM

IN Scottish law, the subsequent marriage of the parents legiti- mizes any children born to them before the legal union. A curious custom-of which I have never seen any record in print (though such may exist somewhere)-seems sometimes to have attended such a marriage in Scotland. The incident in question occurred in Dumfriesshire about the middle of last century, the parties belonging to the well-to-do farming class. During the ceremony, performed (according to my remembrance of the



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Some Humorous English Folk Tales. Part One

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