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SP KR M R DV RC VR Kunsthalle Basel
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SP K R
M RD V
R C V R
Kunsthalle Basel
C NT NTS
ND X C RDS M R D V 9
D SCR PT NV R PL T
CHR S KR S 37
TH BS NT PH T GR PH G RG B K R 53
D ST N TH N DL : M R D V ’S PH N / PH T GR PH CS
R C R S NB RG 101
B BL P L S B LL H RR G N 125
CC D NTS M NG TH SL W TH NGS:
D M SZ MCZ K NT RV WS M R D V 141
B BL GR PH F R ND X C RDS 154—155
C NTR B T RS 158
CKN WL DG M NTS 159
5
LIST OF PLATES FOR “MAILERS”
All mailers: 12 × 17 3⁄4 inches, digital C-print, postage stamps/label, tape, ink
Grand Central (2010), Page 5Kitchen/NY (2010), Page 6Bulbs/Plaster (2010), Page 7Bulbs/Stars (2010), Page 8New Orleans (2008), Page 13Newspapers (2009), Page 14Light/Paris (2009), Page 19Baudelaire 2 (2009), Page 20Keys (2009), Page 25Three Cups (2009), Page 26Swiss Clock (2009), Page 27Gambling (2009), Page 28Geometry Cards (2009), Page 33Louise Bourgeois (2009), Page 34Street of Crocodiles (2009), Page 35J & B (2009), Page 36Laptop (2010), Page 139Blue (2010), Page 140LPs/Plastic (2010), Page 143For Parts/Amp (2010), Page 144LPs/Tree (2010), Page 147Crossword (2008), Page 148Bill (2008), Page 151
6 7
8 9
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——
INDE
X CA
RDS
Moy
ra D
avey
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——
For A
lison
Str
ayer
To h
ave
been
driv
en a
ll on
e’s
life
by s
ome
poor
ly u
nder
stoo
d m
echa
nism
in o
ne’s
body
and
then
be
aske
d to
cut
the
spee
d by
a h
alf o
r tw
o th
irds
is a
skin
g a
grea
t dea
l. I a
m tr
ying
to
find
a ne
w w
ay to
wor
k.
1110
20
Dec
embe
r. W
B wr
ites
a le
tter
to h
is fr
iend
GS
in w
hich
he
say
s he
now
writ
es o
nly
while
lyin
g do
wn, t
he d
esk
havi
ng
beco
me
frei
ghte
d wi
th a
ssoc
iatio
ns to
oth
er w
ritin
g. F
rom
his
diva
n he
has
a v
iew
of th
e fil
led-
in b
og, t
he ic
e-sk
atin
g rin
ks, a
nd a
cl
ock
abou
t whi
ch h
e sa
ys: “
Mor
e an
d m
ore
I fee
l thi
s is
a lu
xury
I c
anno
t do
with
out.”
5
Janu
ary.
New
York
City
. Gaz
e do
wn u
pon
Audu
bon
Terr
ace
and
Trin
ity C
emet
ery.
At th
is ti
me
of y
ear i
t’s a
vast
, hoa
ry
mou
nd o
f ear
th, r
ocks
, and
nak
ed tr
ees
in s
hade
s of
gra
y an
d br
own:
so
muc
h is
vis
ible
, in
fact
, tha
t par
ts o
f it,
the
erod
ed, o
uter
ed
ges,
rese
mbl
e an
arc
heol
ogic
al d
ig. B
y su
mm
er th
e gr
ound
an
d st
ones
will
be
obsc
ured
by
gian
t puf
fs o
f gre
en fo
liage
, and
not
m
uch
will
be d
istin
guis
habl
e be
yond
the
abun
dant
flow
erin
g
of h
uge
old
tree
s. In
fron
t of t
he c
emet
ery
is a
bui
ldin
g wi
th th
is
insc
riptio
n:
WE
ARE
YOU
NG
AND
WE
ARE
FRIE
NDS
OF T
IME
16
Feb
ruar
y.
“Lik
e a
plan
t, in
the
mor
ning
s he
wan
ted
to
live,
by
even
ing
he w
ante
d to
die
.” (E
. Les
lie)
22
Feb
ruar
y.
Thin
k of
thre
e ce
met
erie
s: N
ew O
rlean
s
(Pau
l Mor
phy)
; New
York
City
(vie
w fro
m 7
90);
Paris
(Mon
tpar
nass
e,
Père
Lac
hais
e, e
tc.)
. And
Ald
o Ro
ssi’s
. Thi
s th
ough
t, of
thre
e ce
met
erie
s (p
lus
Ross
i’s)
in th
ree
citie
s in
thre
e m
omen
ts in
tim
e gi
ves
a bu
rst o
f opt
imis
m.
3
Mar
ch.
Andr
ea G
. em
ails
me
Benj
amin
’s “S
urre
alis
m”
text
with
imag
e of
ala
rm c
lock
at t
he e
nd. I
beg
in it
but
then
read
on
ly th
e la
st s
ente
nce.
12
Mar
ch.
Buy
ticke
ts to
New
Orle
ans.
Beg
in M
S re
cove
ry d
iet.
Spitz
er re
sign
s.
13
Mar
ch.
Was
te tw
o ho
urs
read
ing
abou
t Elio
t Spi
tzer
in
the
New
Yor
k Ti
mes
. Rea
d in
stea
d: P
aul M
orph
y, E.
Bow
en,
Nata
lia G
. Or:
read
and
writ
e no
thin
g. W
hat w
ould
I do
inst
ead?
“I
n re
al li
fe S
turg
is w
as m
uch
mor
e sa
ngui
ne a
bout
giv
ing
up
his
writ
ing
care
er. H
is fr
iend
A.C
. Ben
son
said
he
thou
ght S
turg
is
had
all t
he m
akin
gs o
f a g
reat
writ
er e
xcep
t the
driv
e. P
erha
ps
he w
as ri
ght.
Thou
gh S
turg
is ra
n th
roug
h hi
s fo
rtun
e an
d fe
ll on
har
d tim
es to
ward
the
end
of h
is li
fe […
] he
still
see
med
to b
e en
joyin
g hi
mse
lf. H
e to
ld W
hart
on a
fter
he
unde
rwen
t uns
ucce
ssfu
l sur
gery
fo
r can
cer,
‘I’m
enj
oyin
g dy
ing
very
muc
h.’”
(Ed
mun
d W
hite
)
30
Mar
ch.
B. c
anno
t say
his
own
nam
e wi
thou
t stu
tter
-in
g. To
day
he ta
lked
abo
ut th
e fa
ce a
nd th
e vu
lner
abili
ty o
f th
e no
se to
bei
ng h
it, a
nd th
en m
ore
gene
rally
abo
ut th
e an
atom
y of
the
face
. Am
azed
he
knew
this
. And
his
own
face
is c
hang
ing.
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——
THE
PROB
LEM
OF
PAU
L M
ORPH
Y
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——At
the
heig
ht o
f his
car
eer a
nd p
rowe
ss, c
hess
pro
digy
Pau
l M
orph
y to
ok h
imse
lf to
the
Café
de
la R
égen
ce in
Par
is, w
here
he’
d ar
rang
ed to
pla
y ei
ght g
ames
sim
ulta
neou
sly
over
ten
hour
s,
blin
dfol
ded.
Aft
er d
efea
ting
the
last
of h
is o
ppon
ents
he
push
ed
his
way
out o
nto
the
stre
ets
thro
ugh
an o
vatio
n of
che
erin
g cr
owds
; th
e ne
xt m
orni
ng h
e di
ctat
ed to
his
sec
reta
ry e
very
mov
e of
eac
h
of th
e ei
ght m
atch
es, a
s we
ll as
mul
tiple
varia
tions
on
thos
e m
oves
. M
orph
y wa
s a
cons
umm
ate
amat
eur s
o te
rrifi
ed o
f bei
ng th
ough
t ot
herw
ise
he’d
imm
edia
tely
give
awa
y an
y pr
ize m
oney
won
at
ches
s. Tr
ium
phan
t in
the
ches
s wo
rld, t
here
rem
aine
d on
e En
glis
h-m
an n
amed
Sta
unto
n fo
r Mor
phy
to b
eat.
An a
naly
st o
f che
ss
and
the
auth
or o
f sev
eral
aut
horit
ativ
e bo
oks
on th
e ga
me,
one
of
whi
ch M
orph
y ha
d ow
ned
sinc
e ad
oles
cenc
e, S
taun
ton
had
lo
ng b
een
cons
true
d an
“ar
ch-im
ago
fath
er fi
gure
” by
the
youn
ger
play
er. S
trat
egic
ally,
Sta
unto
n do
dged
all
invi
tatio
ns to
pla
y, in
sinu
atin
g th
at h
is c
halle
nger
was
mot
ivate
d by
mon
etar
y ga
in.
This
was
mor
tifica
tion
to P
aul M
orph
y, wh
o st
oppe
d pl
ayin
g ch
ess,
be
cam
e m
ore
and
mor
e re
clus
ive
and
para
noid
, and
die
d
sudd
enly
of c
onge
stio
n of
the
brai
n at
age
fort
y-se
ven.
(Ad
apte
d fr
om th
e ca
se s
tudy
by
Erne
st Jo
nes)
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——
CEM
ETER
IES
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——Un
able
to m
ake
a de
cisi
on a
bout
trav
el, a
bout
whe
ther
it w
ould
be
goo
d or
bad
for m
y he
alth
to tr
avel
, I w
oke
one
mor
ning
with
the
idea
of a
pro
ject
root
ed in
trav
el, l
inke
d by
thre
e ce
met
erie
s
in th
ree
citie
s in
thre
e m
omen
ts in
tim
e. It
mad
e m
e ha
ppy
to th
ink
I’d fo
und
a so
lutio
n, a
nd c
ould
acc
ept t
he in
vita
tion
to M
ark
an
d Da
na’s
wedd
ing
in N
ew O
rlean
s, in
a g
arde
n ce
met
ery
shad
ed
by tr
ees.
W
ith m
e is
a m
emor
y fr
om th
e su
mm
er o
f 198
8, o
f stu
mbl
ing
onto
ano
ther
of t
he c
ity’s
little
nec
ropo
lises
in b
lindi
ng w
hite
sunl
ight
and
inte
nse,
nea
rly u
nbea
rabl
e he
at. T
he s
ite is
com
plet
ely
expo
sed
and
the
white
of t
he to
mbs
dra
ws a
nd re
fract
s ev
en m
ore
light
and
hea
t. W
e lo
ok fo
r but
don
’t fin
d th
e gr
ave
of 1
9th -c
entu
ry
ches
s m
aste
r Pau
l Mor
phy,
know
n to
us
by w
ay o
f Ern
est J
ones
’s es
say
in T
he P
sych
olog
y of
Gam
blin
g, a
boo
k wi
th a
sm
iling
, as
h-wh
ite g
rim re
aper
on
the
dust
jack
et.
25
Apr
il.
Back
in N
ew Yo
rk, s
unlig
ht is
pou
ring
in a
nd
bird
sou
nds
fill t
he ro
om. W
hy a
m I
sitt
ing
here
tear
ing
my
hair
out?
It’s
a wa
rm s
prin
g da
y, th
e ce
met
ery
is n
ow a
lmos
t obs
cure
d by
sof
t gre
en, y
ello
w, a
nd re
d bu
rsts
of l
eave
s. R
emem
ber t
he
New
Yor
k Ti
mes
art
icle
on
Ross
i: bi
rth
and
deat
h in
his
con
cept
ion
of th
e ce
met
ery
in M
oden
a. W
onde
r how
eas
ily I
mig
ht lo
cate
an
d ph
otog
raph
all
four
cem
eter
ies
(New
York
City
, New
Orle
ans,
Pa
ris, a
nd S
an C
atal
do in
Mod
ena)
on
Goog
le E
arth
. Pul
l Tim
es
artic
le fr
om fi
les
to re
ad la
ter.
29
Apr
il.
Aura
tells
me
abou
t the
ess
ay “
Hash
ish
in
Mar
seill
es,”
that
in it
som
eone
wak
es u
p fr
om a
has
hish
tran
ce a
nd
sees
a c
lock
. I re
ad th
e ve
rsio
n in
Refl
ectio
ns. T
here
is n
o cl
ock,
bu
t the
re is
this
:
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——
BALL
OF
THRE
AD
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——“W
hat j
oy in
the
mer
e ac
t of u
nrol
ling
a ba
ll of
thre
ad! A
nd th
is jo
y is
ver
y de
eply
rela
ted
to th
e jo
y of
into
xica
tion,
just
as
it is
to th
e jo
y of
cre
atio
n. W
e go
forw
ard;
but
in s
o do
ing,
we
not o
nly
disc
over
th
e tw
ists
and
turn
s of
the
cave
, but
als
o en
joy
the
plea
sure
of
1312
disc
over
y ag
ains
t the
bac
kgro
und
of th
e ot
her,
rhyt
hmic
blis
s of
un
wind
ing
the
thre
ad. T
he c
erta
inty
of u
nwin
ding
an
artf
ully
wou
nd
skei
n—is
n’t t
hat t
he jo
y of
all
prod
uctiv
ity, a
t lea
st in
pro
se?
An
d un
der t
he in
fluen
ce o
f has
hish
, we
are
enra
ptur
ed p
rose
bei
ngs
rais
ed to
the
high
est p
ower
.” (W
alte
r Ben
jam
in)
Ho
w m
uch
easi
er to
read
Ben
jam
in o
n dr
ugs.
Res
olve
to re
ad
only
this
kin
d of
thin
g, o
r the
sho
rt p
iece
s on
food
and
citi
es.
Th
e ce
rtai
nty
of th
e sk
ein
rem
inds
me
of V
irgin
ia W
oolf’
s
“net
of w
ords
”: h
er s
uren
ess
that
whe
n sh
e is
writ
ing
an e
ssay
(n
ot fi
ctio
n), a
net
of w
ords
will
eve
ntua
lly d
rop
down
on
her.
Goog
le va
rious
phr
ases
that
I re
mem
ber f
rom
the
pass
age,
but
, un
like
mos
t sea
rche
s un
dert
aken
in th
is m
anne
r, no
thin
g tu
rns
up.
This
is w
hat I
rem
embe
r:
“W
hen
writi
ng a
n es
say
I hav
e th
e ce
rtai
nty
that
with
in a
n ho
ur
or s
o a
net o
f wor
ds w
ill d
rop
down
upo
n m
e an
d al
low
me
to
com
pose
my
essa
y, bu
t with
fict
ion
ther
e is
a g
reat
des
pair
and
it is
as
thou
gh I
mus
t sit
and
gaze
at t
he w
ords
from
the
othe
r sid
e of
a b
lue
abys
s.”
Re
solv
e to
refra
in fr
om in
clud
ing
long
quo
tes,
thou
gh I
can’
t re
sist
“Ba
ll of
Thr
ead”
and
read
it o
ver a
nd o
ver.
Refra
in fr
om
quot
ing
auth
ors
I’ve
only
read
sec
ondh
and.
{“
Mys
lovi
ce-B
raun
schw
eig-
Mar
seill
es”
is th
e st
ory A
ura
mea
nt,
abou
t a
guy
who
take
s ha
shis
h an
d m
isse
s hi
s ch
ance
to
be
com
e a
mill
iona
ire: h
e ke
eps
falli
ng a
slee
p an
d wa
king
up
to b
ig
cloc
kfac
es.}
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——
STOR
Y, ST
RUCT
URE
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——W
hat i
s th
e ce
rtai
nty
Benj
amin
is ta
lkin
g ab
out?
Is it
the
assu
ranc
e of
hav
ing
foun
d a
solu
tion,
the
way
out o
f an
impa
sse?
Aria
dne’
s th
read
is li
tera
lly a
life
line;
for a
writ
er, t
o ho
ld th
e ba
ll of
str
ing
is
to h
ave
the
begi
nnin
g an
d en
d of
som
ethi
ng, a
nd a
ll th
e tw
ists
an
d tu
rns
in b
etwe
en: t
o gr
asp
the
stor
y, an
d kn
ow it
s un
fold
ing.
Re
mem
ber J
ean-
Pier
re G
orin
, who
’d a
dmit
to a
fund
amen
tal
lack
in h
is fi
lmm
akin
g: th
e su
bjec
t of t
he fi
lm w
as th
e ne
ed o
f the
m
aker
to b
e m
akin
g so
met
hing
, and
the
sear
ch fo
r wha
t tha
t so
met
hing
cou
ld b
e. D
isar
min
g to
hav
e th
is la
ck s
o fo
rthr
ight
ly ac
know
ledg
ed.
M
alco
lm: “
The
write
r, lik
e th
e m
urde
rer,
need
s a
mot
ive.”
Ge
nevi
eve:
“[A
]nd
not j
ust a
sto
ry, b
ut s
truc
ture
as
well.
M
ater
ial i
s m
eani
ngle
ss w
ithou
t: fo
rm, f
ram
e, c
onta
iner
, thr
ead.
”
Bu
t are
n’t c
onfu
sion
and
drif
t tru
er to
how
live
s ge
t liv
ed?
Is
n’t s
truc
ture
a c
ontr
ivanc
e? In
stea
d, w
hy n
ot ju
st e
ditin
g?
As in
Pas
olin
i’s “
Obse
rvat
ions
on
the
Long
Take
,” ab
out h
ow d
eath
im
pose
s an
imm
edia
te fi
nal e
dit,
give
s m
eani
ng to
a li
fe. L
et
stor
y an
d st
ruct
ure
unfo
ld. B
ut it
take
s so
long
. I s
it an
d st
are
an
d I w
ant t
o be
an
“enr
aptu
red
pros
e be
ing.”
Al
do R
ossi
: “I f
elt t
hat d
isor
der,
if lim
ited
and
som
ehow
ho
nest
, mig
ht b
est c
orre
spon
d to
our
sta
te o
f min
d.”
14 15
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——
NEW
SPAP
ERS
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——In
the
mid
dle
of T
he H
eat o
f the
Day
(E.
Bow
en, 1
949)
, the
re is
a
long
and
tend
er o
de to
the
news
pape
r. It
is a
pas
sion
sha
red
by
Conn
ie, “
a co
llect
or o
f new
spap
ers
of a
lmos
t any
age
, eith
er
to lo
ok a
t aga
in o
r wra
p th
ings
up
in,”
and
Loui
e, w
ho, “
once
[sh
e]
had
take
n to
new
spap
ers
[…]
foun
d pe
ace.”
The
two
wom
en
hoar
d th
e pa
pers
, sav
or th
eir s
mel
ls a
nd te
xtur
es, t
ake
plea
sure
in
the
britt
le s
ound
s of
pag
es b
eing
turn
ed a
nd fo
lded
, em
path
ize
with
thei
r thi
nnin
g bu
lk in
war
-ratio
ned
Brita
in a
nd lo
ng to
feed
th
em, f
eel c
ovet
ous
at th
e si
ght o
f frie
d fis
h be
ing
wrap
ped
in o
ne
of th
e pr
ecio
us b
road
shee
ts, a
nd, h
avin
g us
ed a
pag
e to
ligh
t a
fire,
“pe
er fo
rwar
d in
to th
e ac
rid s
mok
e to
read
the
last
of t
he p
rint
till a
flam
e [e
ats]
it.”
Ra
iner
Wer
ner F
assb
inde
r: “
Wha
t’s n
eede
d is
app
etite
. And
if
ther
e is
app
etite
, a s
tory
will
une
arth
itse
lf.”
In a
film
ed in
terv
iew
RWF
says
he
can
mak
e a
mov
ie fr
om re
adin
g an
art
icle
in th
e ne
wspa
per.
“[
M]y
impr
essi
ons
on c
erta
in m
orni
ngs
when
I re
ad th
e ne
wspa
per.”
(Al
do R
ossi
)
“A
nd I
mus
t rea
d al
l the
pap
ers
whic
h I p
ut in
to m
y cl
oset
we
ek a
fter
wee
k an
d ne
ver r
ead.”
(Ja
ne B
owle
s)
8
May
. Th
e fu
ndam
enta
l ple
asur
e of
mak
ing
so
met
hing
(wi
th o
ur h
ands
esp
ecia
lly).
Wra
ppin
g an
d un
wrap
ping
th
e ba
ll of
thre
ad [
…]
At
nig
ht: i
nduc
ing
slee
p wi
th s
torie
s (b
ut o
nly
the
borin
g,
pred
icta
ble
ones
: Ton
y Ju
dt).
J.
& la
ngua
ge: t
rans
mut
atio
n of
exp
erie
nce,
less
enin
g of
pai
n.
Jo
an D
idio
n: “
We
tell
ours
elve
s st
orie
s in
ord
er to
live
.”
Quot
ed o
ver a
nd o
ver i
n Da
vid
Rief
f’s m
emoi
r of S
usan
Son
tag’
s ill
ness
and
dea
th.
“T
alki
ng s
o as
not
to d
ie.”
(Jea
n Cl
air)
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——
JANE
BOW
LES
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——Th
e bo
ok fa
lls o
pen
to a
boa
rdin
g pa
ss fo
r a fl
ight
to P
uert
o Va
llart
a da
ted
Dece
mbe
r 198
6. I
begi
n to
read
Jane
’s de
lirio
usly
long
and
repe
titiv
e re
flect
ions
on
the
min
utia
e of
her
life
—m
oney
, sh
ip s
ched
ules
, the
rent
ing
out o
f Pau
l’s a
part
men
t and
her
an
ger a
t hav
ing
to c
lean
it, P
aul’s
pro
lific
writi
ng, h
er o
wn b
lock
-ag
e. In
one
nin
e-pa
ge le
tter
to h
im, s
he n
otes
:
“I
hav
e wa
ited
to w
rite
beca
use
I hav
e be
en in
suc
h a
boili
ng
rage
with
you
hav
ing
spen
t mos
t of t
his
week
tryi
ng to
mak
e
som
e or
der o
ut o
f the
hav
oc o
f you
r clo
thes
and
pur
e ju
nk le
ft
arou
nd th
e ap
artm
ent n
one
of w
hich
I da
re th
row
away
[…
]
Unle
ss I
can
get a
frie
nd to
take
[th
e ap
artm
ent]
eve
ryth
ing
in th
e cl
oset
s wi
ll ha
ve to
be
pack
ed a
way.
I am
will
ing
to d
o th
is a
s
best
I ca
n bu
t I w
ill ta
ke n
o re
spon
sibi
lity
abou
t doi
ng it
wro
ng.”
1716
Co
py lo
ng q
uote
from
hea
vily
mar
ked-
up li
brar
y co
py o
f Ros
si’s
A Sc
ient
ific
Auto
biog
raph
y:
“In
April
197
1, o
n th
e ro
ad to
Ista
nbul
bet
ween
Bel
grad
e an
d Za
greb
, I w
as in
volv
ed in
a s
erio
us a
uto
acci
dent
. Per
haps
as
a
resu
lt of
this
inci
dent
, the
pro
ject
for t
he c
emet
ery
at M
oden
a wa
s bo
rn in
the
little
hos
pita
l at S
lawo
nski
Bro
d, a
nd s
imul
tane
-ou
sly,
my
yout
h re
ache
d its
end
. I la
y in
a s
mal
l, gr
ound
floor
[s
ic]
room
nea
r a w
indo
w th
roug
h wh
ich
I loo
ked
at th
e sk
y an
d
a lit
tle g
arde
n. L
ying
nea
rly im
mob
ile, I
thou
ght o
f the
pas
t, bu
t so
met
imes
I di
d no
t thi
nk: I
mer
ely
gaze
d at
the
tree
s an
d th
e sk
y. Th
is p
rese
nce
of th
ings
and
of m
y se
para
tion
from
thin
gs—
boun
d up
als
o wi
th th
e pa
infu
l awa
rene
ss o
f my
own
bone
s—br
ough
t m
e ba
ck to
my
child
hood
. Dur
ing
the
follo
wing
sum
mer
, in
my
stud
y fo
r the
pro
ject
, per
haps
onl
y th
is im
age
and
the
pain
in m
y
bone
s re
mai
ned
with
me:
I sa
w th
e sk
elet
al s
truc
ture
of t
he b
ody
as a
ser
ies
of fr
actu
res
to b
e re
asse
mbl
ed. A
t Sla
wons
ki B
rod
I h
ad id
entifi
ed d
eath
with
the
mor
phol
ogy
of th
e sk
elet
on a
nd th
e al
tera
tions
it c
ould
und
ergo
.”
Re
read
The
Pai
nter
of M
oder
n Li
fe a
nd “
On B
eing
Ill”
in o
rder
to
ext
ract
the
follo
wing
cita
tions
:
“In
the
wind
ow o
f a c
offe
e ho
use
ther
e si
ts a
con
vale
scen
t, pl
easu
rabl
y ab
sorb
ed in
gaz
ing
at th
e cr
owd.
But
late
ly re
turn
ed
from
the
valle
y of
the
shad
ow o
f dea
th, h
e is
rapt
urou
sly
brea
thin
g in
all
the
odou
rs a
nd e
ssen
ces
of li
fe.”
(Cha
rles
Baud
elai
re)
“[
P]er
haps
for t
he fi
rst t
ime
for y
ears
, to
look
aro
und,
to lo
ok
up—
to lo
ok, f
or e
xam
ple,
at t
he s
ky. [
…] T
his
then
has
bee
n
goin
g on
with
out o
ur k
nowi
ng it
! […
] Ou
ght n
ot s
omeo
ne to
writ
e to
The
Tim
es?”
(Vi
rgin
ia W
oolf)
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——
SKY
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——“W
hen
you
lay
in th
e gr
ass
you
were
und
er th
e az
ure
map
of c
loud
s an
d sa
iling
con
tinen
ts. Y
ou in
hale
d th
e wh
ole
geog
raph
y of
the
sky.”
(B
runo
Sch
ulz,
The
Stre
et o
f Cro
codi
les)
“I
saw
the
sky,
a fe
w st
ars
and
a lit
tle g
reen
ery.”
(Je
an-Ja
cque
s Ro
usse
au, c
ited
in T
he N
eutr
al)
“H
ow w
as it
I di
d no
t see
that
sky
bef
ore?
” (L
eo To
lsto
y, Ib
id.)
23
May
. Si
lenc
es: s
mal
l, ye
llowe
d pa
perb
ack.
Wal
k ov
er b
ridge
. Bitt
ersw
eet a
spec
t of B
. on
pian
o: lo
velin
ess
of m
usic
bu
t alw
ays
his
ange
r. Re
cord
his
pla
ying
to h
ave
for P
aris
. Pla
ying
an
d cr
ying
. Buy
him
son
gs o
n iT
unes
.
Su
nday
. Da
vid
Rief
f at 6
AM
. Oni
onsk
in p
aper
: wh
en y
ou tu
rn a
pag
e, y
ou tu
rn tw
o, a
nd h
ave
to p
ick
them
apa
rt.
Ja
ne B
owle
s on
the
subw
ay: H
appi
ness
of r
eadi
ng th
e ea
rly
lett
ers
and
tryi
ng to
reco
nstr
uct m
y pa
ssio
n fo
r the
m.
24
May
. Be
gin
Arse
nicu
m A
lbum
. Rai
n th
is m
orni
ng,
now
sun
and
heat
. Rea
ding
Rie
ff on
Son
tag:
her
terr
or o
f dea
th
terr
ifyin
g. B
ut a
lso
her c
onvi
ctio
n th
at s
he c
ould
out
smar
t dea
th,
and
her h
ubris
abo
ut it
. No,
this
is u
nfai
r. So
ntag
’s w
as th
e
wors
t of s
ituat
ions
. But
Den
nis
Pott
er h
ad th
e sa
me
fate
and
did
no
t fea
r dea
th.
I f
ound
, and
stil
l find
the
lett
ers
oddl
y co
mfo
rtin
g fo
r the
way
th
ey tr
ansl
ate
thor
ny li
fe p
robl
ems
into
Ger
trud
e St
ein–
like,
dr
onin
g-on
pro
se. I
’ve
ofte
n th
ough
t tha
t dia
ries
and
lett
ers
are
the
real
mod
erni
sm: s
trea
m o
f con
scio
usne
ss w
ithou
t the
con
triva
nce.
Un
able
to w
ork
on fi
ctio
n m
ost o
f her
life
, the
lett
ers
are
wher
e Ja
ne d
id h
er w
ritin
g, a
nd s
he w
rote
at g
reat
leng
th a
bout
her
in
abili
ty to
writ
e. S
he c
alle
d th
ese
disp
atch
es “
agon
izer
s,” a
nd w
as
capa
ble
of c
yclin
g ov
er th
e sa
me
nagg
ing
prob
lem
, in
slig
htly
mod
ified
form
, a d
ozen
tim
es o
r mor
e in
a s
ingl
e le
tter
. I h
ave
to
adm
it to
som
e sc
hade
nfre
ude
in re
adin
g th
e le
tter
s, o
f find
ing
cons
olat
ion
in s
omeo
ne e
lse’
s bl
ocka
ge.
I r
ead
from
the
begi
nnin
g, b
ut a
lso
flip
forw
ard
to th
e pa
ge
wher
e I’d
left
the
plan
e tic
ket,
and
wher
e I’d
pos
sibl
y st
oppe
d re
adin
g in
198
6. I’
d fo
rgot
ten
that
Bow
les
had
had
a st
roke
at a
ge
fort
y, an
d re
ad s
ome
of th
e le
tter
s wr
itten
sho
rtly
afte
r in
whic
h
she
is s
trug
glin
g to
spe
ll co
mm
on w
ords
and
form
sen
tenc
es.
Her v
isio
n is
impa
ired
and
she
cann
ot re
read
wha
t she
’s wr
itten
, ye
t she
is s
till a
ttem
ptin
g th
e sa
me
swee
ping
repr
esen
tatio
ns o
f he
r psy
chic
and
mat
eria
l sta
te a
s be
fore
her
illn
ess.
Bu
t it’s
qui
te a
diff
eren
t thi
ng to
read
Bow
les
at fi
fty
than
at
twen
ty-e
ight
, and
this
tim
e, w
ith le
ss d
ista
nce
on h
er e
xper
ienc
e,
both
in te
rms
of a
ge a
nd h
ealth
, I a
m le
ss s
educ
ed b
y he
r tr
ansf
orm
ativ
e pr
ose
powe
rs, a
nd m
uch
mor
e co
nfro
nted
by
the
disa
blin
g ne
uros
is th
at e
nded
cat
astr
ophi
cally
.
In
my
note
book
I ha
ve c
opie
d: “
Inev
itabl
e th
at I
woul
d ge
t th
is (
stro
ke),
no s
urpr
ise
(writ
er’s
bloc
k),”
but I
can
not fi
nd
the
exac
t sou
rce
for t
his
quot
e in
The
Let
ters
, and
mus
t con
side
r th
e po
ssib
ility
that
it is
par
tially
my
own
inve
ntio
n.
In
her
intr
oduc
tion
to th
e le
tter
s, M
illic
ent D
illon
writ
es:
“It w
as Ja
ne B
owle
s’ c
usto
m n
ever
to d
ate
a le
tter
.” I fi
nd th
is
awes
ome
and
try
to th
ink
of re
ason
s wh
y:
The
lett
ers
som
etim
es to
ok d
ays
or w
eeks
to w
rite,
ther
efor
e th
e pr
actic
al p
robl
em o
f cho
osin
g on
e da
te o
ver a
noth
er.
Su
pers
titio
n. S
he w
ill b
e sa
fer i
f she
can
not b
e pl
aced
in ti
me.
Th
e le
tter
s we
re m
ore
than
epi
stol
ary
com
mun
icat
ion
pinn
ed
down
by
the
cale
ndar
: thi
s wa
s wr
iting
by
the
yard
—wh
ich
agai
n m
akes
me
thin
k of
Ste
in’s
extr
avag
ance
.
Ja
ne n
ot w
antin
g da
tes
is th
e op
posi
te o
f Ben
jam
in n
eedi
ng
the
cloc
k, o
f his
find
ing
stab
ility
and
reas
sura
nce
in it
s pr
esen
ce.
11
May
. Pa
tina
of b
ook
cove
rs: T
he P
sych
olog
y of
Ga
mbl
ing,
The
Str
eet o
f Cro
codi
les.
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——
ALDO
ROS
SI
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——20
May
. Re
adin
g Ro
ssi o
n M
oden
a ce
met
ery
(bon
es)
and
thin
king
abo
ut m
y te
eth.
Rer
ead
New
Yor
k Ti
mes
art
icle
pul
led
from
file
s:
“R
ossi
com
bine
d m
otifs
of i
nnoc
ence
and
mor
talit
y in
som
e pr
ojec
ts [
…]
[mad
e] e
ffort
s to
reco
ncile
the
extr
emes
of c
hild
hood
an
d de
ath
[…]
the
wom
b an
d th
e gr
ave
[…]
cloc
ks a
ppea
red,
to
tem
s of
pas
sing
tim
e.”
1918
So
ntag
in It
aly,
writi
ng h
er s
econ
d no
vel:
“It w
as g
oing
wel
l and
sh
e ch
ose
to ig
nore
sym
ptom
s of
sec
ond
canc
er.”
(Dav
id R
ieff)
Th
omas
Man
n qu
oted
by
Davi
d Ri
eff:
“A w
riter
is s
omeo
ne fo
r wh
om w
ritin
g is
har
der t
han
it is
for s
omeo
ne e
lse.”
27
May
. Be
njam
in k
oan
in O
n Ha
shis
h:Th
e lit
tle s
heep
read
s.Is
the
fram
e a
writ
ing
song
is it
an
imag
e.Sl
eep
my
little
she
ep s
leep
.W
rite
my
little
she
ep w
rite.
Sl
eep
is th
e pa
rt I
forg
ot a
nd n
eed
to w
rite
abou
t.
Pu
t com
pute
r to
slee
p. C
lose
eye
s, re
st. O
pen
Benj
amin
’s
On H
ashi
sh a
t ran
dom
and
read
: “[U
]nde
r the
influ
ence
of h
ashi
sh,
we a
re e
nrap
ture
d pr
ose
bein
gs ra
ised
to th
e hi
ghes
t pow
er.”
Be
gin
to u
nder
stan
d: H
e wa
s st
oned
, he
coul
d wr
ite a
nyth
ing.
28
May
. St
rang
e sl
eep,
no
pill.
Num
bing
sad
ness
ab
out B
ella
. Vid
eota
pe B
. on
the
Farfi
za in
the
rain
.
4
June
. Sl
eep
(pill
s)
Shit
(sen
na te
a)Cl
ean
desk
W
eed
shel
ves
Nadi
ne G
ordi
mer
quo
ted
by D
avid
Rie
ff: “
You
mus
t writ
e as
if y
ou’re
al
read
y de
ad.”
?
June
. W
alte
r Ben
jam
in w
rites
to h
is fr
iend
Ger
shom
Sc
hole
m th
at h
is 2
,000
boo
ks h
ave
arriv
ed, a
nd th
at h
e no
w
write
s on
ly w
hile
lyin
g do
wn. F
rom
his
stu
dy h
e ha
s a
pano
ram
ic
view
of t
he ic
e-sk
atin
g rin
ks, S
chra
mm
Lak
e, a
nd a
clo
ck. H
e
calls
the
scen
e “a
lmos
t l’a
telie
r qui
cha
nte
et q
ui b
avar
de.”
Thi
s
cryp
tic le
tter
is th
e st
artin
g po
int f
or a
wor
k ab
out w
ritin
g, il
lnes
s,
slee
p, a
nd th
e vi
ew fr
om th
e wi
ndow
: Bau
dela
ire, W
oolf,
Ros
si,
Pott
er a
ll ha
ve d
escr
ibed
sup
ine
or c
onva
lesc
ent v
iews
of c
loud
s,
patc
hes
of b
lue
sky,
blos
som
s, o
r the
cro
wd s
een
with
the
inno
-ce
nce
of a
chi
ld. T
he lo
ok o
f the
wor
ld a
ltere
d by
illn
ess.
For
Ray
Na
varr
o, in
198
9, it
was
the
little
red
blin
king
ligh
t on
his
ster
eo.
He w
ante
d to
mak
e an
art
work
abo
ut it
but
nev
er g
ot th
e ch
ance
.
W
hat d
o we
do
when
the
part
of u
s th
at c
ould
go
“all
out”
is
no lo
nger
ava
ilabl
e? W
hen
brai
npow
er is
add
led
by d
rugs
? M
y lif
elon
g su
ppos
ition
has
bee
n th
at to
rem
ain
heal
thy
I mus
t wor
k.
Now
I mus
t clo
se m
y ey
es, s
leep
, bre
athe
.
11
Jun
e.
“Whe
n I l
ost m
y si
ght I
foun
d I c
ould
thin
k be
tter
. My
head
fille
d wi
th id
eas.
Tim
e pa
sses
diff
eren
tly. I
let m
y m
emor
ies
flow.
[…
] Or
I do
not
hing
—I l
et m
ysel
f liv
e. I
can
rem
ain
sitt
ing
in a
n em
pty
room
, per
fect
ly s
till,
for t
hree
or f
our h
ours
wi
thou
t dis
com
fort
.” (D
avid
Hoo
n Ki
m)
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——
BLIN
DNES
S, IL
LNES
S, S
LEEP
DOC
.
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——“I
was
get
ting
used
to th
is s
tran
ge s
emi-d
arkn
ess
in w
hich
I liv
ed
and
alm
ost b
egan
to li
ke it
[…
] I s
tood
on
the
thre
shol
d of
real
ity
and
imag
inat
ion.”
(Ol
iver
Sac
ks)
“T
he fl
eetin
g an
d po
igna
nt d
esire
to n
o lo
nger
hea
r, to
no
long
er s
ee, t
o st
ay s
ilent
and
imm
obile
.” (U
n ho
mm
e qu
i dor
t)
20 21
“I
had
an
acci
dent
and
had
to s
tay
in b
ed fo
r a lo
ng ti
me,
on
my
back
, lay
ing
down
[…
] I r
emem
bere
d a
long
tim
e ag
o lo
okin
g at
th
e ja
guar
, the
Sou
th A
mer
ican
tige
r, at
the
zoo,
and
not
icin
g th
at
the
mar
ks o
n its
ski
n re
sem
bled
writ
ing.
So,
I un
ited
the
two
idea
s,
mys
elf,
imm
obile
, sic
k, a
lmos
t dyi
ng, a
nd th
e id
ea o
f the
jagu
ar
and
this
mys
terio
us fo
rm o
f writ
ing.”
(Jo
rge
Luis
Bor
ges
on le
tigr
e)
“I
wat
ched
my
bloo
d flo
w as
I wo
uld
have
wat
ched
a b
rook
flow
[…
] I f
elt a
rapt
urou
s ca
lm in
my
whol
e be
ing;
and
eac
h tim
e
I rem
embe
r it,
I find
not
hing
com
para
ble
to it
in a
ll th
e ac
tivity
of
know
n pl
easu
res.”
(Je
an-Ja
cque
s Ro
usse
au, T
he R
ever
ies
of a
So
litar
y Wal
ker,
in R
B, T
he N
eutr
al)
“A
n ill
ness
with
out s
uffe
ring
is a
gre
at p
rivile
ge.”
(Gill
es
Dele
uze:
“M
pou
r Mal
adie
,” L’A
bécé
daire
)
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——
DREA
MS
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——“A
noth
er s
yste
m is
to li
e do
wn a
nd d
ream
for o
ne h
our u
ntil
one
can
go b
ack
to th
e wr
iting
tabl
e. T
his
is a
bout
all
I can
take
righ
t no
w—Go
odby
[si
c] I
am g
oing
to d
ream
.” (J
ane
Bowl
es, J
uly/
Augu
st,
1966
)
“I
nten
se d
ream
s of
sol
itude
.” (G
P)
“[
C]ru
mpl
ed a
nd d
isor
dere
d fr
om th
e we
ight
of d
ream
s.”
(The
Str
eet o
f Cro
codi
les)
“[
S]in
ce fa
ilure
follo
ws m
e in
to m
y dr
eam
s.” (
Jane
Bow
les,
fa
csim
ile le
tter
)
12
June
. Sl
eep
and
drea
m a
bout
des
pera
tely
tryi
ng
to fi
nd a
pen
that
wor
ks in
ord
er to
scr
ibbl
e a
note
on
a tin
y, cr
umpl
ed p
ad o
f pap
er. W
oke
and
shot
tree
s in
the
cem
eter
y.
Too
hot a
nd li
ght t
oo h
ard.
{M
ontp
arna
sse
Cem
eter
y, m
ain
gate
on
Boul
. Edg
ar Q
uine
t. Be
auvo
ir on
righ
t, Be
cket
t. So
ntag
193
3–20
04. C
iora
n, S
artr
e,
Raym
ond
Aron
, Bau
dela
ire.}
25
June
. Bu
t I h
ave
been
sle
epin
g, a
nd p
uttin
g th
e co
mpu
ter ‘
to s
leep
.’ Th
inki
ng a
bout
doi
ng n
othi
ng, a
bout
Son
tag
doin
g ev
eryt
hing
, “be
ing
driv
en a
ll on
e’s
life.”
Son
tag’
s ch
ief
regr
ets
at th
e en
d: “
not h
avin
g do
ne e
noug
h in
the
past
, and
not
ha
ving
bee
n ha
ppie
r in
the
pres
ent.”
“[
T]he
num
ber o
f hou
rs w
hen
I sim
ply
lie o
n th
e be
d wi
thou
t re
adin
g or
thin
king
wou
ld s
hock
you
.” (J
B, p
. 34)
27
June
. W
ake
this
mor
ning
with
the
thou
ght t
hat t
he
last
thin
g we
nee
d is
mor
e pr
oduc
t. Th
is re
late
d to
real
izat
ion
la
st n
ight
whi
le lo
okin
g at
AF’
s ne
w bo
ok, o
r at l
east
the
ques
tion
it ra
ises
abo
ut: s
ubse
quen
t boo
ks m
otiva
ted
by n
eed
for a
dvan
ce
inco
me
or th
e ne
ed to
mai
ntai
n id
entit
y; th
e wr
iter’s
nee
d to
log
the
AM h
ours
; the
art
ist’s
nee
d to
be
alwa
ys th
inki
ng o
f or m
akin
g th
ings
; the
film
mak
er’s
need
to b
e al
read
y wo
rkin
g on
the
next
pr
ojec
t. St
oppi
ng s
igna
ls a
bre
ach
of id
entit
y. Th
ink
of A
R, w
ho
poin
tedl
y di
d no
t writ
e se
cond
blo
ckbu
ster
nov
el b
ut d
id a
ctiv
ism
in
stea
d. T
hink
of J
L, w
ho g
race
fully
dod
ged
this
pre
ssur
e as
wel
l, th
ough
I’m
sur
e it
caus
ed h
er p
ain.
22 23
28
July.
Ba
ck to
the
cem
eter
y fo
r a th
ird ti
me:
it is
“l
’ate
lier q
ui c
hant
e et
qui
bav
arde
.” I a
m w
orki
ng a
gain
. I a
m a
live.
Th
e ac
t of
goi
ng o
ut. O
f phy
sica
l exe
rtio
n, o
f clim
bing
th
e m
ound
, lis
teni
ng to
thos
e in
tens
e in
sect
and
bird
sou
nds.
An
d br
ingi
ng s
omet
hing
hom
e. E
xcep
t tha
t in
the
cem
eter
y
it is
als
o pr
ivate
, pro
tect
ed. T
here
is n
o an
xiet
y ov
er th
e pu
blic
en
coun
ter w
ith s
tran
gers
, as
with
str
eet p
hoto
grap
hy.
“A
ll th
e cr
icke
ts a
nd b
ugs
are
sing
ing
outs
ide.”
(J
ane
Bowl
es, p
. 49)
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——
TO H
AVE
BEEN
DRI
VEN
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——“T
o ha
ve b
een
driv
en a
ll on
e’s
life
by s
ome
poor
ly u
nder
stoo
d m
echa
nism
in o
ne’s
bod
y an
d th
en b
e as
ked
to c
ut th
e sp
eed
by
a ha
lf or
two
third
s is
ask
ing
a gr
eat d
eal.
Yet t
his
adju
stm
ent i
s ne
cess
ary
for l
ivin
g an
exa
cerb
atio
n-fr
ee li
fe.”
(Swa
nk)
Ho
w to
reco
ncile
this
trut
h wi
th th
e lif
elon
g cr
avin
g fo
r the
rise
of
spi
rits
that
com
es w
ith e
ngag
emen
t? A
ddic
tion
to fe
ver,
as in
: Th
e m
omen
t whe
n yo
u lo
ck in
and
feel
you
rsel
f dra
wn fo
rwar
d by
so
met
hing
bot
h ce
rtai
n an
d un
know
n? A
nd w
hat o
f the
sta
min
a ne
eded
to fi
nd o
ut, e
vent
ually
, per
haps
, wha
t tha
t thi
ng m
ight
be?
Th
en th
ere
is th
e pa
rt o
f the
sel
f tha
t wan
ts to
be
off t
he h
ook.
To
hav
e on
ce a
nd fo
r all
mad
e th
e th
ing
that
will
end
the
need
to
mak
e th
ings
(ot
hers
hav
e sa
id th
is: M
irand
a Ju
ly).
How
to m
ake
sens
e of
thes
e in
cong
ruen
t driv
es. A
boo
k gr
abbe
d in
the
mid
dle
of th
e ni
ght s
ays:
“Er
os a
nd d
eath
, anx
iety
and
gui
lt.”
So
ntag
: “To
writ
e is
to s
pend
one
self.
”
I a
m tr
ying
to fi
nd a
new
way
to w
ork.
6
Augu
st.
Alon
e fin
ally
aft
er w
eek
in P
-Town
, car
br
eakd
own,
dog
cha
os. P
eace
and
Sun
. Yes
terd
ay, d
ream
ing
fitfu
lly
of “
l’ate
lier q
ui c
hant
e et
qui
bav
arde
.”
9
Augu
st.
Wok
en b
y cr
ows.
Thi
nk a
gain
of l
’ate
lier.
Beau
tiful
ligh
t and
sky
. Dee
p sl
eep,
no
drug
s. To
see
Lou
ise
Bour
geoi
s ye
ster
day
at th
e Gu
ggen
heim
: som
e wo
rks
are
auto
no-
mou
s, m
ute;
oth
ers
atta
ched
to la
ngua
ge: t
hese
alw
ays
shoc
k,
pier
ce. T
hen
on a
par
k be
nch
with
Julie
: sun
, wrin
kles
, fat
.
12
Aug
ust.
9:45
PM
and
I re
call
alm
ost n
othi
ng o
f the
da
y. Fi
nish
Eliz
abet
h Bo
wen:
wom
an w
ith a
bab
y an
d th
ree
swan
s.
16
Aug
ust.
Dr
ive
Bella
to M
ontr
eal.
Terr
ible
dep
ress
ion
abso
rbed
in th
e ni
ght.
21
Aug
ust.
Th
e So
ccer
War
. Rem
embe
r thi
s m
odel
: jo
urna
lism
cut
with
“Th
e Bo
ok th
at c
ould
hav
e be
en”
or “
note
s on
[…
]”
“Y
et I
have
not
writ
ten
a di
ctio
nary
or a
boo
k be
caus
e wh
en-
ever
I st
art t
akin
g a
deep
bre
ath
and
cros
sing
mys
elf a
s if
gett
ing
read
y to
jum
p in
to d
eep
wate
r, a
red
light
sta
rts
blin
king
on
the
map
.” (S
W, p
. 197
)
23
Aug
ust.
Ai
r Ind
ia: s
wolle
n, w
hale
of a
pla
ne. P
rett
y yo
ung
wom
en w
ith b
abie
s. R
ER tr
ain
to G
are
du N
ord
with
nin
e pi
eces
of l
ugga
ge.
In
mon
th o
f non
-writ
ing,
and
in g
rowi
ng a
ntic
ipat
ion
of
depa
rtur
e fo
r Par
is, I
hav
e be
en re
adin
g Ga
il Sc
ott’s
My
Paris
. I m
ade
this
list
in h
er g
erun
d-dr
iven
sty
le:
I writ
ing
I sle
epin
g I n
eedi
ng d
rugs
I hav
ing
pain
in h
ands
I hav
ing
burn
ing
finge
rsI f
eelin
g af
raid
I mis
sing
B.
I fee
ling
sadn
ess
for B
ella
I shi
ttin
g gu
ts o
ut a
ll ov
er fl
oor
J. m
oppi
ng u
pI m
eetin
g Dr
. Pai
n an
d ge
ttin
g ne
w dr
ugs
I writ
ing
in li
ttle
not
eboo
k to
day
on s
ubwa
y
1
July.
W
ake
at 6
AM. B
eaut
iful l
ight
and
air.
Sit
on
bed
with
boo
ks a
nd p
aper
s. S
leep
aga
in ti
ll 12
and
dre
am. A
ttem
pt
to p
ack,
read
inst
ead
old
diar
ies.
Day
com
es fu
ll ci
rcle
. Coo
l bre
eze
from
win
dow.
3 AM
The
Soc
cer W
ar in
B.’s
room
, and
con
tinue
re
adin
g: e
ssay
s ab
out w
ar a
nd li
bera
tion
in A
fric
a.
5
July.
Tw
o da
ys o
f hel
l fol
lowi
ng C
ymba
lta, w
hen
I t
houg
ht I
was
dyin
g. T
houg
hts
of a
ll m
y dy
ing
frie
nds
and
tell
J.:
I lov
e yo
u m
ore
than
any
thin
g. I
have
arr
ived
at t
he tr
uth:
onl
y he
alth
is im
port
ant.
15
July.
Ul
rike
read
s Be
njam
in le
tter
in th
e ba
rn a
nd
sign
als
“l’a
telie
r qui
cha
nte
et q
ui b
avar
de.”
It is
from
Les
Fle
urs
du
mal
. B.’s
inte
rpre
tatio
n of
the
cloc
k: “
Tim
e is
valu
able
. I li
ke to
kn
ow if
I am
on
time,
or h
ave
time
to k
ill. I
t com
es d
own
to th
is:
It’s
bett
er to
kno
w so
met
hing
than
not
to k
now
som
ethi
ng.”
26
July.
To
Ben
: “I a
m o
bses
sed
with
the
idea
of
artis
ts a
nd w
riter
s ha
ving
a d
rive
to p
rodu
ce, a
nd th
e so
met
imes
-co
nflic
t whe
n th
e pr
oduc
t may
not
des
erve
to e
xist
.”
Be
n wr
ote
back
:
“Onl
y co
nnec
t [...
] Th
at’s
why
I mak
e st
uff,
the
abov
e, b
y wa
y of
tryi
ng to
mak
e se
nse
of m
e an
d th
e wo
rld a
roun
d m
e. T
hat’s
why
I’m
not
mak
ing
stuf
f no
mor
e ei
ther
. A p
erfo
rman
ce is
a b
it of
a g
ambl
e bu
t eas
y en
ough
to
avo
id.”
La
ter L
T sa
ys to
me:
you
sho
uld
exam
ine
thos
e wo
rds:
“de
serv
e to
exi
st.”
Evid
ence
of h
ow ju
dgm
enta
l I c
an b
e.
26
July.
W
oke
this
mor
ning
thin
king
abo
ut p
hoto
-gr
aphi
ng th
e we
ed a
nd th
e tr
ees
in th
e ce
met
ery,
the
nece
ssity
of
get
ting
out e
arly
for t
he li
ght.
Leav
e th
e ho
use
weig
hted
dow
n,
shak
y. Be
gin
to s
ee th
at m
any
peop
le a
re o
ut a
t thi
s ho
ur:
a m
an h
olds
a s
mal
l chi
ld b
y th
e ha
nd. R
ealiz
e th
at I
can
slow
do
wn a
nd lo
ok a
nd fe
el, a
nd n
ot a
lway
s be
driv
en b
y th
e ur
genc
y to
ca
ptur
e, b
ut a
lso
thin
k: a
ll ph
otog
raph
y is
abo
ut d
isci
plin
e ov
er
cons
tanc
y of
ligh
t and
sky
. Lig
ht is
eve
ryth
ing.
And
: all
phot
ogra
phy
is e
asel
pai
ntin
g.
Cl
imb
ram
p on
Wes
t Sid
e Hi
ghwa
y to
get
the
weed
, but
qui
ckly
real
ize
how
dang
erou
s it
is: d
river
s sw
erve
at 5
0m
ph, u
nner
ved
by
the
sigh
t of a
ped
estr
ian
on th
e ra
mp.
Fi
nally
, exp
erie
nce
of b
eing
in th
e ce
met
ery:
Alm
ost d
eafe
ning
ch
ant o
f cic
adas
and
cro
ws; a
bund
ant t
ropi
cal g
reen
ery,
ivy,
vi
nes,
and
hug
e an
cien
t tre
es. H
eat a
nd li
ght,
and
the
soun
d of
ca
rs w
hizz
ing
by.
24 25
25
Aug
ust.
B.
: “I h
eard
you
pee
last
nig
ht fo
r the
long
est
time.”
J.: “
We
both
lay
ther
e an
d lis
tene
d to
you
pee
.”
27
Aug
ust.
Ar
rive
in P
aris
and
beg
in to
wal
k. W
alk
thro
ugh
the
Pass
age
Jouf
froy
with
J. &
B. B
ig, b
roke
n cl
ocks
, and
a d
ate:
18
46. J
etla
g ad
ding
to b
ell-j
ar e
ffect
in h
ead
and
ears
, thi
s, in
tu
rn, d
oubl
ed b
y m
uffle
d, m
uted
sou
nds
of g
lass
ed-in
arc
ade.
For
Ar
agon
it is
like
bei
ng u
nder
wate
r: a
rcad
e as
“hu
man
aqu
ariu
m.”
Also
: pas
sage
as
“cof
fin.”
“[
T]he
sam
e vo
ice
of th
e se
ashe
lls, t
he w
hole
oce
an in
the
Pass
age
de l’
Opér
a.” (
LA)
30
Aug
ust.
Jo
hann
a em
ails
long
, bea
utifu
l pas
sage
abo
ut
cam
eras
and
clo
cks
from
Cam
era
Luci
da.
2
Sept
embe
r.
Drea
m a
bout
goi
ng to
the
Cité
for fi
rst t
ime
and
findi
ng h
alls
are
sm
eare
d in
dog
shi
t. M
oney
+ ti
me.
3
Sept
embe
r. In
exor
able
tug
of s
leep
on
my
body
. Sle
ep a
s th
e we
ight
of g
ravi
ty p
ullin
g m
e do
wn, a
nd n
ot a
ble
to re
sist
un
til fi
nally
I he
ar m
ysel
f say
: “ge
t up.”
And
I do
. And
I wa
nder
out
an
d bu
y th
e pa
pers
. I c
an’t
shak
e Ga
il Sc
ott’s
boo
k, o
r any
of
the
othe
r cou
ntle
ss re
cita
tions
of t
his
plac
e.
“A
dea
d, a
tran
quil
plac
e.”
(GP,
p. 1
65)
5
Sept
embe
r.
Angr
y at
J. fo
r thr
owin
g ou
t pap
ers,
then
find
th
em in
the
tras
h on
the
side
walk
. Awe
som
e be
auty
of p
ark
besi
de
Notr
e Da
me.
Ple
asur
e of
map
s, fi
gurin
g ou
t whe
re I
have
bee
n
and
wher
e I w
ill g
o.
8
Sept
embe
r.
Chim
ing
bells
eve
ry h
alf h
our.
Powd
ery
clou
ds
and
soft
sun
. In
the
mid
dle
of th
e ni
ght,
waiti
ng fo
r sle
ep:
recr
imin
atio
n; in
the
mor
ning
, in
the
met
ro: f
orgi
vene
ss. F
eel t
he
tens
ion
of la
st m
onth
s lif
t. An
d pa
in li
fts.
St
ock
mar
ket c
rash
ing.
Toss
two
Lyric
a in
to m
y m
outh
. One
fa
lls o
n flo
or. H
alf o
ut o
f my
min
d wi
th d
rugs
and
froz
en fi
nger
s.
5 PM
: sle
ep, o
r rat
her o
bser
ve m
ysel
f sle
epin
g an
d th
ink
abou
t how
I w
ill e
xtra
ct m
ysel
f fro
m it
. She
is n
ot d
ead
but s
leep
eth.
17
Sep
tem
ber.
Vi
sit S
onta
g’s
grav
e, a
bla
ck s
lab
on w
hich
vi
sito
rs h
ave
plac
ed s
mal
l sto
nes
and
yello
w Po
st-it
not
es. S
ome-
one
has
writt
en a
not
e on
a m
etro
tick
et a
nd w
eigh
ted
it wi
th
a ch
estn
ut. S
hoot
som
e m
edio
cre
vide
o of
the
ston
e an
d su
rrou
nd-
ing
tree
s, a
fitt
ing
expr
essi
on o
f my
ambi
vale
nce
abou
t bei
ng
here
. I u
se th
e sm
all m
ap g
iven
to m
e by
the
cust
odia
n to
loca
te
Baud
elai
re’s
grav
e. It
is c
over
ed w
ith n
otes
writ
ten
on m
etro
tic
kets
; als
o flo
wers
and
a b
ook
wrap
ped
in p
last
ic.
19
Sep
tem
ber.
Hu
ngov
er. S
niffl
y. So
und
of b
ells
. Sou
nd
of s
ingi
ng. C
rash
of s
tock
s. R
erea
d El
izab
eth
Bowe
n ch
apte
r on
Conn
ie, L
ouie
, and
new
spap
ers.
Tryi
ng to
read
Bau
dela
ire o
n be
auty
: bea
uty
has
an e
tern
al a
nd c
ircum
stan
tial e
lem
ent e
tc.,
but
cann
ot g
et p
ast t
wo s
ente
nces
with
out s
topp
ing
to e
at, d
rink,
or
not
e so
met
hing
. Sun
light
and
chu
rch
bells
. Try
ing
to h
elp
B. w
ith
mat
h in
Fre
nch,
plu
nged
bac
k to
my
mot
her’s
situ
atio
n fo
rty-
five
year
s ag
o. J’
ai, t
u as
, il a
, nou
s za
vons
, vou
s za
vez,
ils z
ont.
Mon
ton
son,
not
re v
otre
leur
. Ret
urne
d to
chi
ldho
od.
22
Sep
tem
ber.
J.
lose
s wa
llet a
nd w
e sp
end
the
rest
of t
he
day
on th
e ph
one
canc
elin
g ca
rds.
I am
und
erst
andi
ng b
ecau
se h
is
disa
ster
just
ifies
my
own
exce
ssiv
e vi
gila
nce,
par
anoi
a.
26
Sep
tem
ber.
Th
e ar
tist K
reco
mm
ends
Reg
ulin
as
a la
xativ
e, a
pow
dere
d se
awee
d th
at s
wells
up
in th
e bo
wels
, sha
kes
them
up,
and
is th
us e
ffec
tive
mec
hani
cally
in c
ontr
ast t
o th
e un
heal
thy
chem
ical
effe
ct o
f oth
er la
xativ
es w
hich
just
tear
thro
ugh
26 27
28 29
the
excr
emen
t and
leav
e it
hang
ing
on th
e wa
lls o
f the
bow
els.
OC
D be
havi
or o
ver d
uplic
ate
debi
t wire
of $
16K
from
Wal
nut t
o An
ita. S
tupi
d to
lose
sle
ep o
ver t
his,
but
I wi
ll ne
ver c
hang
e un
less
I a
m fo
rced
to, i
.e. b
y bl
indn
ess.
Fin
ish
The
Pain
ter o
f Mod
ern
Life
. Re
ad L
es F
leur
s du
mal
, “Th
e M
an o
f the
Cro
wd,”
La H
orla
.
29
Sep
tem
ber.
Go
ethe
’s di
arie
s. A
per
son
who
kee
ps n
one
is
in a
fals
e po
sitio
n in
the
face
of a
dia
ry. W
hen
for e
xam
ple
he
read
s in
Goe
the’
s di
arie
s: ‘1
/11/
1797
. All
day
at h
ome
busy
with
va
rious
affa
irs,’
then
it s
eem
s to
him
that
he
him
self
had
neve
r do
ne s
o lit
tle in
one
day
. Les
s pa
in in
han
ds b
ut n
ow w
orrie
d ab
out
thin
g on
my
nose
. Ser
ial a
nxie
ty. S
leep
. Sle
ep o
f the
dea
d.
Afte
r yea
rs o
f wis
hing
for s
leep
it is
in fa
ct fr
ight
enin
g to
sle
ep
this
muc
h.
30
Sep
tem
ber.
Al
l eve
ning
he
spok
e of
ten
and—
in m
y op
inio
n—en
tirel
y se
rious
ly a
bout
my
cons
tipat
ion
and
his.
[…]
Whe
n we
had
alre
ady
said
goo
d-by
e he
cal
led
to m
e ag
ain
from
the
dist
ance
: ‘Re
gulin
!’ An
xiet
y ab
out “
thin
g” o
n no
se re
plac
ed b
y an
xiet
y ov
er m
oney
and
Wal
nut i
n th
e wa
ke o
f sto
ck m
arke
t cra
sh.
2
Octo
ber.
I f
all a
slee
p so
undl
y bu
t aft
er a
n ho
ur
I wak
e up
, as
thou
gh I
had
laid
my
head
in th
e w
rong
hol
e […
]
I bel
ieve
this
sle
eple
ssne
ss c
omes
onl
y be
caus
e I w
rite.
J.
is re
adin
g Th
e Ps
ycho
logy
of G
ambl
ing
and
on m
y wa
y ou
t, gr
ey
skie
s, I
thin
k “D
oes
my
fath
er lo
ve m
e?”
(fro
m th
e bo
ok),
and
wond
er: w
ill I
be lu
cky
agai
n to
day?
4
Octo
ber.
Af
ter a
wee
k of
sta
ring
at th
ing
on m
y no
se
and
grow
ing
anxi
ety
verg
ing
on h
yste
ria th
at it
is ‘s
omet
hing
,’ vi
sit
plas
tic s
urge
on a
nd h
ave
it re
mov
ed. I
n m
y no
tebo
ok h
e wr
ites
“Bas
ocel
lula
r car
cino
ma
(ben
ign)
.”
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——
MAP
OF
PARI
S
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——Br
ain,
bal
l, sp
iral,
maz
e, fr
acta
l, fis
t. W
hat w
ould
it lo
ok li
ke to
pry
op
en th
e fis
t of P
aris
? I w
ill in
terr
upt a
lmos
t any
act
ivity
with
the
excu
se o
f con
sulti
ng th
e bl
ue b
ook:
find
ing
my
way
in a
nd a
roun
d th
e la
byrin
th, r
etra
cing
my
step
s. S
tudy
of t
he c
entr
ifuga
l Mét
ro:
calc
ulat
ing
the
shor
test
dis
tanc
e be
twee
n po
ints
.
Al
do R
ossi
: “Th
e em
erge
nce
of re
latio
ns a
mon
g th
ings
, mor
e th
at th
e th
ings
them
selv
es, a
lway
s gi
ves
rise
to n
ew m
eani
ngs.”
10
Oct
ober
. On
the
trai
n, w
edge
d be
twee
n a
wom
an d
oing
a
cros
swor
d pu
zzle
and
a s
tone
-face
d m
an s
tarin
g un
wave
ringl
y ah
ead,
a w
oman
acr
oss
the
aisl
e we
eps
into
her
cel
l pho
ne.
With
her
free
han
d sh
e st
aunc
hes
the
flow
from
her
nos
e wi
th a
big
wa
d of
tiss
ues.
12
Oct
ober
. Ye
ster
day
at M
ax’s
wro
te in
the
Paris
Dia
ry.
Peel
mys
elf f
rom
bed
at 8
:30
AM: A
mbi
en o
n to
p of
Lar
oxyl
. La
st Ja
ne B
owle
s le
tter
s: s
he is
losi
ng h
er m
ind.
Aft
er tw
enty
yea
rs
I hav
e fin
ally
read
them
all.
Thi
s pr
oduc
es a
slig
htly
sho
ckin
g fe
elin
g: li
ke, n
ow h
er li
fe is
real
ly e
nded
, as
is a
cha
pter
of m
ine.
To
day
pian
ist i
s pl
ayin
g Sc
hum
ann
and
othe
r Rom
antic
s.
15
Oct
ober
. Af
ter n
early
a fo
rtni
ght o
f blo
ckag
e I f
aint
ag
ain
in th
e W
C. W
hen
I fina
lly o
pen
my
eyes
I se
e cu
rled
up b
esid
e m
e th
e pr
oduc
t of m
y un
cons
ciou
s la
bor,
som
ethi
ng s
o de
nse
and
com
pact
ed it
leav
es n
o tr
ace
on th
e til
es. I
car
eful
ly w
rap
it in
sof
t, w
hite
tiss
ue, f
eel i
ts w
eigh
t and
sen
d it
on it
s wa
y in
to th
e tw
ists
30 31
An
n C.
read
s th
ree
to fo
ur n
ewsp
aper
s a
day:
“I r
ead
what
in
tere
sts
me.”
I le
arne
d fr
om h
er to
read
wha
t int
eres
ts m
e.
Arriv
e: e
at, r
ead
news
pape
r. Ta
lk o
n th
e ph
one
to A
.: o
ne h
our.
1
PM: e
at, r
ead
news
pape
r. St
ill h
ave
not fi
nish
ed p
aper
from
Th
ursd
ay. T
hink
of s
leep
. Ach
e in
my
teet
h to
o re
al to
be
phan
tom
.
21
Oct
ober
. Ne
ighb
or p
iani
st p
ract
icin
g sa
me
trill
s of
ten
note
s ov
er a
nd o
ver,
mak
ing
the
sam
e m
ista
kes.
Enn
ui, l
assi
tude
. Be
njam
in a
nd e
xtre
me
aggr
avat
ion
of p
iano
bel
ow h
is s
tudy
. Ind
ex
finge
rtip
s fr
ozen
.
22
Oct
ober
. Re
adin
g Al
ison
on
Jane
Bow
les:
“[J
B] is
stil
l lo
okin
g to
dev
elop
in h
er w
ork
her i
deas
on
salva
tion,
and
incr
eas-
ingl
y to
att
ain
salva
tion
thro
ugh
her w
ork.”
Her
des
crip
tions
of
Bow
les’s
“sa
lvatio
n th
roug
h re
nunc
iatio
n,”
self-
abas
emen
t etc
., re
min
d m
e of
Sim
one
Wei
l, wh
om B
owle
s m
entio
ns re
adin
g
towa
rd th
e en
d of
her
life
in a
lett
er to
Pau
l, al
ong
with
“a
little
of
S[us
an]
Sont
ag [
…]
and
you.”
1
23
Oct
ober
. St
agge
r out
of b
ed a
larm
ed b
ecau
se it
is
10 A
M. S
ee n
eon,
glo
wing
bra
in, D
ay-G
lo c
olor
s an
d lig
hts.
Pan
ic
that
now
I’ve
com
plet
ely
lost
my
sigh
t. Fa
ll ov
er. P
anic
that
now
I’ve
lo
st m
otor
con
trol
. J. w
oken
by
nois
e: I
am li
mp,
but
reco
ver q
uick
ly.
24
Oct
ober
. Ca
ptur
e di
ary
fragm
ents
like
vid
eo c
aptu
res,
sc
enes
reco
rded
and
forg
otte
n. B
ecau
se I
want
to in
clud
e he
re
word
s lik
e: A
rsen
icum
Alb
um.
Ye
ster
day,
afte
r the
fall:
Rel
ief.
And
brie
fly: o
ff th
e ho
ok.
Prol
onge
d en
joym
ent i
n lo
okin
g at
boo
ks, l
ooki
ng a
t pho
togr
aphs
, lo
okin
g at
any
thin
g. A
nd ‘t
akin
g th
e su
n’ in
the
gard
ens
with
G.
To
day:
Sen
se o
f doo
m. I
wan
t onl
y to
be
with
J. a
nd B
. I w
ould
ru
n to
them
now
. Wal
k at
nig
ht to
rue
Réam
ur fo
r rau
cous
din
ner a
t L.
’s. E
veni
ng is
per
fect
ant
idot
e to
day
of g
loom
and
stin
ging
pai
n.
25
Oct
ober
. W
alk
with
B. i
n Tu
ilerie
s ga
rden
s. B
eaut
iful
light
and
sm
ell o
f drie
d le
aves
. Tho
usan
ds o
f peo
ple
stro
ll an
d si
t in
gre
en m
etal
cha
irs, ‘
taki
ng th
e su
n.’ I
sit
with
B. F
inal
ly I
am
‘with
him
,’ bu
t at t
his
mom
ent I
am
terr
ibly
hun
gry
and
that
is a
ll
I can
thin
k ab
out.
27
Oct
ober
. JM
com
es to
stu
dio
and
rem
inds
me
of th
e “b
ook
abou
t the
boo
k th
at n
ever
was
,” an
d I r
emem
ber w
hy
I cop
ied
down
long
pas
sage
from
The
Soc
cer W
ar: t
o be
rem
inde
d of
the
book
you
writ
e al
ong
the
way
to w
ritin
g th
e bo
ok th
at
neve
r get
s wr
itten
.
28
Oct
ober
. Dr
eam
abo
ut a
wom
an: t
all,
red
hair,
sto
ut
body
, gui
lele
ss. S
he te
lls m
e sh
e is
a 5
2-ci
gare
tte-
a-da
y sm
oker
. As
ks m
e if
I thi
nk s
he’ll
be
okay
. I in
terp
ret t
he n
umbe
r “52
” (a
s in
we
eks)
, to
be a
war
ning
abo
ut th
e ill
-adv
ised
nat
ure
of th
is d
iary
.
“P
erha
ps th
e m
agni
tude
of t
he ta
sk is
put
ting
me
off.
To
unr
avel
the
skei
n on
e m
ore
time,
righ
t to
the
end,
to s
hut m
ysel
f up
for I
don
’t kn
ow h
ow m
any
week
s, m
onth
s or
yea
rs [
…]
in
the
encl
osed
wor
ld o
f my
mem
orie
s, g
oing
ove
r and
ove
r the
m u
ntil
I’m b
oth
satia
ted
and
naus
eate
d.” (
GP, p
. 97)
4
Nove
mbe
r.
Forc
e m
ysel
f ver
tical
, pou
r cof
fee
down
my
thro
at. S
leep
is a
suc
cubu
s.
13
Nov
embe
r.
“J’a
i hor
reur
du
pass
é. J’
ai h
orre
ur d
u so
uven
ir.”
Paul
Cla
udel
invo
ked
by P
ierr
e Bo
ulez
in T
élér
ama.
Rea
d Ba
udel
aire
“Sp
leen
” po
ems
and
thin
k th
is is
wha
t I e
xper
ienc
ed a
t th
e fle
a m
arke
ts o
n th
e we
eken
d. A
lison
: CB
pret
ty m
uch
said
it a
ll.
You
may
as
well
get o
ver i
t.
14
Nov
embe
r.
J.’s
birt
hday
. RIP
dea
r litt
le B
ella
.
and
turn
s of
sub
terr
anea
n Pa
ris. L
ater
I re
coun
t thi
s ep
isod
e to
K.,
who
is a
ppal
led
that
“I d
id n
ot h
ave
mys
elf e
valu
ated
,” an
d
repr
iman
ds m
e fo
r ign
orin
g hi
s ad
vice
on
Regu
lin.
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——
JANE
BOW
LES
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——W
hy Ja
ne B
owle
s no
w? I’
d ke
pt th
e Bl
ack
Spar
row
Pres
s sp
ine
in
my
perip
hera
l vis
ion
for 2
0 ye
ars.
I wa
s ge
ttin
g re
ady
to u
proo
t (o
r so
it fe
lt to
me)
, and
this
is w
hat s
he d
id o
ver a
nd o
ver.
Won
der
if I a
m b
egin
ning
to o
verid
entif
y wi
th Ja
ne. I
nste
ad c
opy
pass
ages
wh
ere
I’ve
mad
e a
mar
k, o
ften
late
at n
ight
:
“I
t was
like
goi
ng th
ere
afte
r I d
ied.”
(JB
, p. 2
13)
“I
was
ups
et a
bout
the
Lear
y sc
anda
l whi
ch P
aul h
eard
abo
ut
from
Sus
an S
onta
g, w
hom
you
’ve
sure
ly m
et o
r at l
east
hea
rd o
f.”
(JB,
p. 2
82)
14
Oct
ober
. Bu
rnin
g fin
gers
. The
Str
eet o
f Cro
codi
les:
de
scrip
tions
of s
unlig
ht a
nd s
un-s
oake
d st
reet
s, m
emor
ies
of
sum
mer
. I a
m li
ke th
e fa
ther
, ste
wing
ove
r bill
s an
d ac
coun
ts. A
nd
I can
’t sh
it ei
ther
. Nei
ghbo
r pia
nist
is p
layi
ng B
ach,
now
sca
les.
M
y st
udio
is a
lso
“l’a
telie
r qui
cha
nte
et q
ui b
avar
de.”
A.
: Mov
e to
ward
s im
ages
rath
er th
an w
ords
.
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——
CUTS
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——In
a d
ocum
ent l
abel
ed “
Cuts
,” I fi
nd: “
Ross
i quo
tes
Benj
amin
: ‘T
here
fore
I am
def
orm
ed b
y co
nnec
tions
with
eve
ryth
ing
that
su
rrou
nds
me
here
.’” (
p. 1
9)
I r
ealiz
e th
at I
write
abo
ut b
eing
def
orm
ed a
nd re
mad
e by
the
thin
gs I
read
. And
I am
tryi
ng to
writ
e in
the
form
of t
he th
ings
that
I w
ant t
o re
ad: d
iarie
s, fr
agm
ents
, lis
ts.
“P
oint
less
, and
ther
efor
e tr
ue.”
(Gen
e Yo
ungb
lood
)
16
Oct
ober
. W
atch
Dav
id B
owie
doc
umen
tary
from
the
’70s
in w
hich
he
dem
onst
rate
s cu
ttin
g up
his
lyric
s in
to s
trip
s an
d re
orde
ring
them
rand
omly
as
a m
eans
of a
cces
sing
unc
onsc
ious
th
ough
ts. A
bout
his
cha
ract
ers
and
pers
onas
he
asks
: “Am
I wr
iting
th
em o
r are
they
writ
ing
me?
” Se
eing
Bow
ie a
nd h
earin
g th
e
song
s: m
ore
burr
owin
g. W
ishi
ng m
y fin
gers
to fl
y ac
ross
the
keyb
oard
lik
e th
e pi
anis
t som
ewhe
re in
this
bui
ldin
g.
20
Oct
ober
. On
the
trai
n: re
adin
g Ne
w Yo
rk e
ditio
n of
th
e In
tern
atio
nal H
eral
d Tr
ibun
e fr
om O
ctob
er 1
5. S
tory
abo
ut
confl
ict o
ver n
on-e
xtra
ditio
n to
Ital
y by
Fra
nce
of M
arin
a Pe
trel
la,
54, f
orm
er R
ed B
rigad
e. C
arla
Bru
ni v
isits
her
in th
e ho
spita
l an
d as
sure
s he
r she
will
be
allo
wed
to re
mai
n in
Fra
nce.
Pet
rella
is
sev
erel
y de
pres
sed
and
says
she
wan
ts to
die
. Pia
nist
is
play
ing
Bach
.
32 33
25
Nov
embe
r.
Litt
le d
id I
know
I’d
be th
e co
rpse
that
wou
ld
arre
st m
y ow
n ta
ke, b
ut I
stop
mys
elf:
out o
f sup
erst
ition
nev
er
write
suc
h th
ings
, or s
pell
out m
edic
al a
nxie
ties.
Swe
ep s
tudi
o.
Peel
hai
r + d
ust f
rom
bro
om, l
et fl
y ou
t win
dow.
Pia
nist
rehe
arse
s sa
me
repe
rtoi
re o
f fra
gmen
ts, s
egue
ing
from
one
to th
e ot
her,
ov
er a
nd o
ver,
like
a tic
.
24
Nov
embe
r.
Cata
com
bs. N
ew to
oth:
3.5
K.
20
Dec
embe
r.
“Dea
r Ger
hard
, The
Chr
istm
as s
easo
n is
upo
n us
onc
e m
ore
[…] A
ll of
my
book
s ar
e he
re n
ow a
nd, e
ven
give
n th
ese
times
, the
ir nu
mbe
r has
incr
ease
d ov
er ti
me
from
1,2
00—
alth
ough
I ce
rtai
nly
have
not
kep
t all
of th
em b
y a
long
sho
t—to
2,
000.
The
stu
dy d
oes
have
som
e pe
culia
ritie
s: fi
rst,
it ha
s no
des
k;
over
the
year
s, d
ue to
a s
erie
s of
circ
umst
ance
s—no
t onl
y be
caus
e I h
ave
beco
me
used
to w
orki
ng in
the
café
a lo
t, bu
t als
o be
caus
e of
som
e no
tions
rela
ted
to th
e m
emor
y of
wha
t I w
rote
at m
y
old
desk
—I n
ow w
rite
only
whi
le ly
ing
down
. I h
ave
a so
fa in
herit
ed
from
my
pred
eces
sor.
It le
nds
itsel
f mos
t won
derf
ully
as
a pl
ace
to
wor
k be
caus
e of
its
qual
ities
—it
is q
uite
use
less
for s
leep
ing.
I o
nce
hear
d fr
om h
er th
at it
had
bee
n bu
ilt fo
r an
old
wom
an w
ho
was
crip
pled
. Thi
s, th
eref
ore,
is th
e fir
st p
ecul
iarit
y, an
d th
e se
cond
on
e is
that
it h
as a
pan
oram
ic v
iew
of th
e ol
d, fi
lled-
in b
og, o
r,
as it
is a
lso
calle
d, S
chra
mm
Lak
e—al
mos
t l’a
telie
r qui
cha
nte
et
qui b
avar
de—
and
now
that
it is
col
d, a
vie
w of
the
ice-
skat
ing
rinks
an
d a
cloc
k is
in s
ight
in a
ll se
ason
s; a
s tim
e go
es b
y, it
is e
spe-
cial
ly th
is c
lock
that
bec
omes
a lu
xury
it is
diffi
cult
to d
o wi
thou
t. Th
e re
nt fo
r the
apa
rtm
ent i
s un
fort
unat
ely
such
that
it s
eem
s
as if
all
of th
ese
optic
al fu
rnis
hing
s we
re in
clud
ed in
the
pric
e.
“I
t is
noth
ing
shor
t of a
n in
fern
al ir
ony
that
I ha
d ha
rdly
wr
itten
thes
e lin
es w
hen
a pi
ano,
nev
er h
eard
bef
ore
toda
y […
] be
gins
to m
ake
itsel
f hea
rd d
irect
ly b
elow
my
stud
y. Th
is is
sim
ply
horr
ible
. But
dis
conc
erte
d as
I am
, I c
an d
o no
thin
g bu
t con
tinue
to
writ
e.”
26
Dec
embe
r.
Fini
sh T
he S
tree
t of C
roco
dile
s. In
the
final
st
ory,
“The
Com
et,”
the
whol
e to
wn is
wai
ting
for t
he e
nd o
f the
wo
rld. F
athe
r cra
wls
into
the
flue
of th
e ch
imne
y an
d, th
roug
h hi
s m
icro
scop
e an
d so
me
tric
k of
refra
ctio
n, c
atch
es s
ight
of t
he
com
et. A
t firs
t it l
ooks
like
“a
brot
her o
f the
moo
n […
] sc
rofu
lous
an
d po
ck-m
arke
d.” T
hen
Fath
er re
aliz
es it
is in
fact
“a
hum
an b
rain
, de
eply
asl
eep,
and
blis
sful
ly s
mili
ng in
its
slee
p […
] in
the
light
of
wat
ers
of a
mni
on.”
31
Dec
embe
r.
Visi
t the
cav
es o
f Ner
ja n
ear M
álag
a on
B.’s
bi
rthd
ay. T
his
vast
, qui
eted
und
erwo
rld re
min
ds J.
of V
oyag
e to
Ital
y:
Berg
man
dis
solv
ing
into
tear
s at
the
Pom
peii
ruin
s, a
nd th
e re
ligio
us p
roce
ssio
n in
whi
ch s
he g
ets
sepa
rate
d fr
om h
er h
usba
nd.
Anot
her t
ouris
t hol
e is
rede
emed
: ang
er a
t B. f
ades
, ten
sion
lift
s.
Long
hik
e up
thro
ugh
the
hills
. New
Year
’s Ev
e on
the
Balc
ón
de E
urop
a.
La
ter,
in “
Cuts
” I fi
nd: “
JB d
ied
in a
con
vent
in M
alag
a.”
Sear
ch-e
ngin
e th
is a
nd im
med
iate
ly c
lick
on a
det
ail o
f a m
ap o
f th
at c
ity w
ith a
blin
king
red
dot o
n “A
veni
da Ja
ne B
owle
s,”
an
d a
phot
ogra
ph o
f her
gra
ve in
San
Mig
uel C
emet
ery,
Mál
aga.
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
————
——“I
saw
that
the
rose
s th
at h
ad b
een
next
to th
e wa
ll we
re a
mas
s
of d
ust a
nd m
ildew
.” (A
Fai
rly G
ood
Tim
e)
1
I’m g
rate
ful t
o Al
ison
Str
ayer
for h
er c
ritic
al w
ritin
g on
Jane
Bow
les,
and
fo
r her
frie
ndsh
ip a
nd e
ncou
rage
men
t dur
ing
my
time
in P
aris
. I’m
inde
bted
to
Chr
is K
raus
for h
er e
xem
plar
y wr
iting
of s
elf a
nd o
ther
, in
Alie
ns &
An
orex
ia, i
n al
l her
boo
ks.
34 35
36
