IloveMelanieShankle.SheisabeautifulconglomerationofsomanythingsIappreciate,andeachofthemisobviousinthesepages.She’sprofoundlyinsightful,witty,relatable,wideopen,andpassionateaboutJesus.Shelikespeople,andIlikethatinaperson.Inthisbook,Melanielivesherlifewithusandinvitesustoliveourliveswithher.Relishthisride,sister!Youwon’tbesorryyoutookit.
BETHMOORENewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorandBiblestudyteacherInhermemoir,Melanieusesanirresistiblecombinationofdab-the-corner-of-your-eyeemotionandlaugh-so-loud-you-scare-the-cathumor.EverychapterofSparklyGreenEarrings—actually,everypage—isasplendidjourneythroughsudden,side-splittinglaughterandutterlyrelatabletears...andbacktolaughteragain.Shecaptureseveryfear,crazynotion,nervousbreakdown,anddesperatemomentofnewmotherhoodsoexpertlyandhilariouslythatIactuallywonderedifshe’dtappedintomymemoryofhavingmyfirstchild.Andallthroughoutthebook,asCarolinegrowsandstartsschool(andhasaveryshortstintinBrownies),Melanieestablishesjusthowmuchherfaithhasguidedandpropelledherthroughthismiraculousprivilegeknownasmotherhood.Hermemoirisnothingshortofadelight.
REEDRUMMONDNewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorofThePioneerWomanCooksWhathappenswhenyoureadabookthat’sonepartBlueLikeJazz,onepartAnitaRenfroe,andtwopartsBigMama?Youlaughtooloud,nodtillyourneckhurts,andthrowyourhandsupwitharelievedyes!Simplyput:IloveMelanieShankle,andeverypageofthisbookshimmerswithherfabulousvoice,honesthilarity,andthelightofaSaviorthatmakeseventhewackiest,hardestdaysofmotherhoodsomehowglimmerwithsomethinggrand.SparklyGreenEarrings—theperfectaccessorytobedazzledbygraceandmorethanaglintofGod.
ANNVOSKAMPNewYorkTimesbestsellingauthoroftheOneThousandGiftsMelanie’swritingisinsightful,hilarious,andfullofencouragementforthejourney.SparklyGreenEarringsisrefreshmentforthesoul.Forallthereasonsthousandsofpeopleloveherblog,youwillbesmittenwithherbook.MostlybecauseyouwillfallinlovewithMelaniethroughitspages,andmoreimportant,withtheGodsheserves.
KELLYMINTER
Biblestudyauthor,writer,andspeaker
Melaniehastheraregiftofmakingyouembarrassyourselflaughingwhileconsideringthedeeperundertonesofeachstory.Idon’tknowamamawhowouldsaythatparentingisexactlywhatshethoughtitwouldbeallthetime.It’sadelicatedancewedo,thisbalancingoftheordinaryandtheholy,andoftenwegetitwrong.Theabilitytopullthehumanityoutandexamineitinthewakeofwhatreallymattersisnotaneasytask,butit’soneMelaniehasdoneexquisitely.Aswriters,weprayourwordsstringtogetherinawaythatconnectsourfleshtotheStoryteller,andI’msohonoredtohavemyendorsementonabookthatdoesthataswellasthisonedoes.Idareyoutoreaditwithoutlaughing,withoutseeingyourownlifeembeddedinitscorners.You’reinforajourneywithabeautifulwomanwho,inmyestimation,hasalotmorelightcatchingtodoaroundamillionmoreturns.Herwit,humility,andtruewritingabilitywillmakeyouwanttochaseherasshegoes.
ANGIESMITHAuthorofIWillCarryYouandWhatWomenFear
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LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataShankle,Melanie.
Sparklygreenearrings:catchingthelightateveryturn/MelanieShankle.
p.cm.
ISBN978-1-4143-7171-9(sc)
1.Shankle,Melanie.2.Motherhood—UnitedStates.3.Motherhood—Religiousaspects—Christianity.I.Title.
HQ759.S461532013
306.874'30973—dc232012030434
PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica19181716151413
7654321Build:2013-01-0310:13:45
ToCaroline:Ifitweren’tforyou,thisbookwouldn’texist.
Youaretheabsolutelightofmylife.Youhavebroughtmejoy,laughter,andmorehappinessthan
you’lleverknow.You’llalwaysbemybestgirl.
Contents
TheBookofDreams
Chapter1:Death,Taxes,&Motherhood
Chapter2:EightPregnancyTestsLater...
Chapter3:TheWorstSummerEver
Chapter4:IntheGhetto
Chapter5:Shamu&theChickenSpaghetti
Chapter6:IWantedMyEpiduralintheFirstTrimester
Chapter7:StraightfromHeaven
Chapter8:ThatTimeIDidn’tSleepforFourYears
Chapter9:WarBuddies
Chapter10:BacktoWork,BacktoReality
Chapter11:PottyTraining:BringingPeopletoTheirKneesSinceForever
Chapter12:WeDon’tThrowSand
Chapter13:LettingItAllHangOut
Chapter14:ICanNoLongerBringHometheBacon
Chapter15:PuttingtheCrazyonDisplay
Chapter16:LifestylesoftheSick&Feverish
Chapter17:Nitpicking
Chapter18:ReadyfortheWorld
Chapter19:TheBig,BadWorldofElementarySchool
Chapter20:It’saParty&I’llCryIfIWantTo
Chapter21:OneIsn’tAlwaystheLoneliestNumber
Chapter22:BrothersfromAnotherMother
Chapter23:LikeaBandofIdiotsWeGodowntheHighway
Chapter24:TheDreamoftheWheatiesBox
Chapter25:AdorableCookieSalespersoninPolyester
Chapter26:Caroline,theWitch,&theWardrobe
Chapter27:LittleStepsofLettingGo
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthor
TheBookofDreams
Okay.Y’all.Apparentlythehardestpartofwritingabookisfiguringoutwheretobegin.It’scertainlynotthatIhaven’talwayswantedtowriteabook,becauseIhave.I’vewantedtowriteabookeversinceIreadStarringSallyJ.FreedmanasHerselfbyJudyBlumeinthefifthgrade.SaywhatyouwantaboutAreYouThereGod?It’sMe,Margaret,butIhavealwaysbeenpartialtoSallyJ.
Andsomyloveofthewrittenwordcompelledmetostartablogalmostfiveyearsago,whenmydaughter,Caroline,wasnotquitethreeyearsold.IknewIshoulddocumentherchildhood,andIalsoknewtherewasnowaythatwasgoingtohappeninanysortofscrapbookformunlessIpaidsomeonetodoitformebecauseallthosedifferentpapersandscissorsandstickerstotallyfreakmeout.Ihavewaytoomanyperfectionistictendenciestotakeonsomethingthatrequiresallthatcuttingandpasting.
Inashortsightedturnofevents,IchristenedtheblogBigMama.IsayshortsightedbecausetherearenowtimeswhenI’moutinpublicandsomeonewillrecognizemeandcallout,“BIGMAMA!”AndtheneveryoneinStarbuckswillturnaroundtoseeifMartinLawrenceisthere.
ButthenameBigMamaseemedappropriateatthetimebecausethat’swhatCarolinecalledmeinthosedays.Wewereinthatmodeofgettingridofthepacifiermymother-in-lawsaidshenevershouldhavehadinthefirstplaceandlearningtousethepottylikeaBIGGIRL,andCarolinedecidedtherewasnohighercomplimentthatcouldbegiventhanBIG.AndsoIbecameBigMama.
JustlikeI’dalwaysdreamed.Andthat’sthethingaboutmotherhood.It’snotlikeanythingyouimagine
whenyou’reeightyearsoldandplayingwithyourbabydollsanddreamingofthedayyouwillhavefivechildrenandnamethemCandy,Andy,Randy,Sandy,andMandy.Orwasthatjustme?
andMandy.Orwasthatjustme?WhydidIthinkitwasagoodideatohavechildrenwithrhymingnames?
Moreimportant,whydidIthinkI’deversurvivefivechildren?Probablybecausemyonlyexperienceinvolveddressingupplasticdollswithsynthetichairthatnevertalkedbackorhadthekindofexplosivediarrheathatruinedsixoutfitsinfourhours.ExceptthatonetimeBabyAlivepoopedabigpieceofmoldonme.
Realmotherhoodisdifferent.It’sbetterandit’smessierandit’smorecomplicated.Itwillbreakyourheartandmakeyoulaughharderthanyoueverimagined.Youfindyourselfalternatingbetweenfeelinglikeyourfriendstalkedyouintosomesortofpyramidschemesoyoucouldshareintheirmiseryandthinkingthisisthemostfulfillingthingyou’veeverdoneinyourlife.
Anditmakesyourealizethatifyoureallyloveyourchildren,thenyouprobablyshouldn’tgivethemallnamesthatrhyme.
Theothernight,longafterI’dtuckedCarolineintobed,Iwentbackintoherroomtocheckonherand,truthfully,towatchhersleep.I’llnevergettiredofseeingthewayshecurlsherhandupbyherfaceandthewayherlipsrelaxandthewayherlongeyelashesrestonhercheekswhileshesleeps.Nottomentionit’soneofthefewtimesinthedaywhenshe’snotarguingwithmeaboutthecoloroftheskyoraskingmetohelpherdigaholeinthebackyard.
Lyingnexttoherwasastackofpapersfilledwithherdrawings.Therewasapageentitled“ClothesIWanttoWear,”completewithillustrations.Fromallappearancesitlookslikeshehasbigplanstodonalotofmuumuuswithgiantshoes.I’vealwayswantedadaughterwithambitionstodresslikeamodern-dayMrs.RoperfromThree’sCompany.Andtherewasapagecalled“PlacesIWanttoLive,”withthesubtitle“BeverlyHills.”Theaccompanyingsketchfeaturedherwalkingdownapalm-tree-linedsidewalkwithaChihuahua.IholdJamieLeeCurtisandacastofPrada-wearing,talkingdogsdirectlyresponsibleforthatdream.
AsIlookedthroughallthepages,Iappreciatedtheinsightitgavemeintoherlittlemind.SometimesthedaysgetsobusythatImissthesethings.Then,asIstackedthepaperstoputthemonhernightstand,Isawatitlepagethatread,“Caroline’sBookofDreams.”
There’snowayshecanknowthatsomeofthebestdreamsshe’lllivearetheonesshecan’tevenimaginerightnow.ThedreamsthatGodhasplantedinherheartthatshehasn’tuncoveredyet.EventhoughwearingamuumuuandwalkingaChihuahuainBeverlyHillsaren’tnecessarilybadambitions.
Overtheyears,peoplebegantotellmeIshouldwriteabook.AndIreallywantedto.Exceptforthewholepartthatactuallyrequiredmetositdownandwrite.ButthenIdecided,howcouldelevenpeopleandmydadbewrong?
SoI’mwritingthisbook.ThisismyBookofDreams.Theonesthatcametrueandtheonesthatdidn’t,theonesthatmakemelaughandtheonesthatmakemecry.Almostnoneoftheminvolvewearingamuumuu,butalloftheminvolvebeingamother.
Chapter1
Death,Taxes,&Motherhood
IalwaysassumedI’dhaveachildsomeday.LikedeathandtaxesandBarbaraWalters,itseemedlikeaninevitablepartoflife.ButIcan’tremembertheexactmomentPerryandIdecideditwastimeforustobringourownlittlepersonintotheworld.
However,Icanguaranteewedidn’tputnearlyasmuchthoughtintoitasweprobablyshouldhave.Imean,it’sapersonwe’retalkingabout.Weweremakingthedecisiontocreateandthenraiseahumanbeing.Whichismuchdifferentthanadog,despiteallthosewell-meaningpeoplewhocomparetheirexperienceofraisingapuppytohavingababy.
And,bytheway,Iwasthatperson.ItmakesmewanttogobackintimeandgougeoutmyowneyeswhenIthinkofhowmanytimesIcomparedmybestfriendGulley’sstoriesofsleeplessnightswithhernewbornsontomyownharrowingtalesofgettingoutofbedtoletourpuppy,Scout,outsidetogotothebathroom.
Yes,that’sthesame.Idiot.IthinkPerryandIbothhadthesameperceptionofparenthood—something
alongthelinesof“Howhardcanthisbe?Afterall,we’veraisedapuppy.”WhichisprobablythesamethingCujo’sownerthought.Andweallknowhowthatturnedout.
ButifIreallythinkhard(whichissomethingItrynottodoveryoften),I’dsaythewholebabythingbeganasPerryandIdrovehomefromabeachvacationonedayinJune2001.We’djustspentthreegloriousdaysatthebeach,fishingandreadinganddoingwhateverotherrelaxingpastimesweusedtodopriortobecomingparents.I’dgiveyouallthedetails,butthisisn’tthatkindofbook.
WehadthewindowsdownandtheBeastieBoysturneduploud.(Don’tjudge.BeachvacationsmeantheBeastieBoystome.It’swhoIam.Achildoftheeighties.You’vegottofightforyourrighttoparty.)Wewereacoupleoftanned,relaxedfoolslisteningtobadrapmusic.
Thenmycellphonerang.Iturneddownthemusicandflippedopenmyphone.Becausethiswasbackinthedaysofyorewhenphonesstillflippedopen
phone.Becausethiswasbackinthedaysofyorewhenphonesstillflippedopenandwereincapableoftellingyouhowwellyousleptthenightbeforeorwhatyouneededtobuyatthegrocerystoreorhowmanystepsyoutookthatday.
(Ireadsomewhereaboutaguywhosewifewhispered,“Markofthebeast,markofthebeast,”everytimeheusedhisiPhonetogetdirectionsanditwasabletopinpointhisexactlocation.)
(Don’tthinkaboutthattoolongoritwillfreakyouout.)Anyway,Iopenedmyphone,andGulleygreetedmewith,“I’mpregnant!”ImmediatelyIfelttearsstingmyeyes.Myheartdidsomekindofweirdflip
thatonsecondthoughtmayhaveactuallybeenmyarterieshardeningup,courtesyofmysteadyvacationdietofvariousformsofprocessedsnackfoods.
Iwasn’tshockedtohearshewaspregnant.Afterall,I’dbeenwithhertheweekbeforeandwatchedherdevouranentireplateoftriple-cheeseenchiladas,whichtotallyarousedmysuspicions.Thatdayshe’dsaiditwastoosoontoknowforsureifshewaspregnantbutadmitteditwasapossibility.
Three-cheeseenchiladasplusabowlofquesoseemedtoindicatetherewasagoodchanceababywaslookingforsomecalciumtobuildstrongbonesandsomefattobuildchubby,ediblebabythighs.
Iwasright.Shewaspregnant,andIcouldn’thavebeenhappierforher.ButinmyhappinesstherewasthistwingeoflonelinessorsadnessorsomeotheremotionthatIcouldn’tnaildown.Imean,thiswasGulley.Myverybestfriendintheentireworld.ThepersonI’dsharedaten-by-tenroomwithallduringcollege.Thepersonwhohaslovedmethroughallmyupsanddowns,whohasseenmelaughthehardestandcrythemostandencouragedmeineverythingfrommyfaithinGodtogettingmybangscut.Thepersonwhohasknownmesincewebelievedtherewasnofineroutfitintheworldthanapairofplaidwalkingshortswithadenimshirtandsomeloafers.Wornwithsocks.
We’vebeentogethersincethedayswe’dnailabeachtoweloverthewindowsowecouldnapalldaybeforegoingoutallnight.College:itreallyiswhereidiotsareborn.Oratleastwheretheythrive.
NowIwasafraidshewasmovingontoexcitingnewthingswithoutme.We’dmanagedtogetmarriedwithinamonthofeachother.ProbablybecauseGodknewwe’deachneedtheotheronetotalkaboutallthethingswedidn’tknowaboutmarriage,suchasHUSBANDSEXPECTDINNER.Butnowshewasheadedtowardfull-onadulthoodintheformofbecomingsomeone’smother.Shewasmovingontothingslikewearingjeansthatwentallthewaypastherbellybuttonanddiscussingthemeritsofdifferenttypesoffruitsnacksforschoollunches.
(Consideringthatwasmyperceptionofmotherhood,itshouldcomeasnosurprisethatittookmefiveyearsofmarriagetoevenconsiderit.)
surprisethatittookmefiveyearsofmarriagetoevenconsiderit.)(Havingadogdoesn’trequireanyofthosethings.)(AlthoughScoutwilleatafruitsnack,iftheopportunityarises.)Ihungupmyphone,lookedatPerry,andannounced,“Gulley’spregnant.”
Hetookhiseyesofftheroadandglancedoveratme,andIwatchedthecolordrainfromhisface.“Youwantone,don’tyou?”hesaid.
“Idon’tknow.Ihaven’treallythoughtaboutit.Maybe.Idon’tknow,”Ianswered.Whichwasallatotallie.ThetruthwasIhadthoughtaboutit.I’dthoughtaboutitalot,andIknewIwantedababy.Mostlikelyabunchofthem.Imayhaveevenhadalistofbabynamesprepared.Iwasreadytomoveontothenextphaseinourlives.
Myeyesmusthaveconveyedmyrealanswerbecauseallofasuddenhesaid,“IfeellikeI’mgoingtothrowup.Imayneedtopulloverandthrowup.”
WhatcanIsay?Imarriedromance.It’ssafetoassumethatthelasthourofourtripwasmuchquieterthanthe
previousstretchaswetriedtoignoretheenormouselephantthathadjustdroppedbetweenusontotheconsoleofthecar.
Forthenextfewmonthsweengagedintheoccasionalconversationabouthavingbabiesandlistedalltheprosandcons—andthenSeptember11happened,anditseemedlikeabadtimetobringababyintotheworld.EspeciallybecausePerrywentintosomekindofmodelikehewasacontestantonSurvivorandwehadtodothingslikestockpilebottledwaterandcansofViennasausagesinourgarage.Although,let’sbehonest—Iwouldratherdieinsomeapocalypticeventthaneatmeatthatcomesfromacan.
AndthencamethedayinJanuarywhenIdrovetoAustintobewithGulleywhileshedeliveredthemostbeautifulred-hairedbabyboyI’deverseen.Itdidn’tmatterthatherepiduraldidn’tworkthewayitwassupposedtoorthatIheardheractuallygrowlwhenherhusbandhadthepoorjudgmenttoenjoyastickofbeefjerkywhilesheworkedthroughacontraction.Allthatmatteredwasthebarrel-chested,impossiblypinklittleboyinthenurserywhomadealltheotherbabiesseemsicklybycomparison.AllIcouldthinkwas,HOWCANIGETMEONEOFTHOSE?
Butinspiteofmyfeverforthebabies,Iknewwe’dneedtowaitalittle
longerbecausewe’dalreadycommittedtochaperonemorethanahundredhighschoolstudentsonaspringbreakskitrip,andthenwehadplanstotraveltoSicilywithmyparentssoIcouldseethelandofmyancestors.Thesearewhatyoucallfirst-worldproblems.Oh,wecan’thaveababyrightnowbecausewehavetogotoColoradoandskiandthengotoItalytotourSaintPeter’sBasilica.
Lookingback,Ithinkthefunniestpartofallthisisthatwewereundertheillusionwewereincontrol.Thatababywouldhappenonourtimetable,likewewereacoupleoffertilemagicianspullingarabbitoutofahat.
Asitturnedout,thatwasn’texactlywhatGodhadplannedforus.Yes,wewouldbecomeparents(otherwisethiswouldbeashortbook),butourpathtogettingtherewasharderandfilledwithmoreheartachethanwe’dcountedon.Iguessinawayitbecameourfirstlessonintherealitiesofparenthood.Whichistosay,itcanmakeyoufeellikeamonkeyinawindstorm.
Chapter2
EightPregnancyTestsLater...
OnedayinApril2002IbegantosuspectImightbepregnant.IwishIcouldtellyoutheexactday,butI’veneverbeenverygoodatmath.I’mnotsurehowIknewprecisely,becausethesymptomswereverysimilartoPMS:irritability,boutsofcrying,andtheoccasionalurgetothrowatoasteroventhroughthekitchenwindow.ButthencameamorningwhenItriedtoeatmystandardbreakfastofchampions—DietCokewithasideofCocoaPuffs—andimmediatelyfeltlikeIneededtostickmyentireheadinthetoilet.
Ican’timaginewhyababywouldrejectabreakfastchock-fullofcaffeineandsyntheticchocolatepuffsofsugar.
Withtremblinghands,Igrabbedmycarkeysandheadedtotheclosestdrugstoretobuyasix-packofpregnancytests,becauseIknewmyselfwellenoughtobesureI’dneverbelievethefirstfive.Iamobsessiveandhaveatendencytoovercompensateinallareas,sotherewasnoreasonpregnancyshouldbeanydifferent.
TheminuteIgothome,Irantothebathroomtotakethefirsttest.Nevermindthattheinstructionssuggesteditwasbesttouseyourfirsturineoftheday.
(Ofcourse,I’vealwayshadanotoriouslysmallbladder,sohowwouldIeverknowifmyfirsturineofthedaywaswhenIgotuptogotothebathroomat1a.m.or3a.m.or6a.m.?)
(I’mnotkidding.IncollegeIusedtodriveGulleycrazybecauseIwouldgotothebathroomthreetimesinaboutaten-minutespanbeforebedinthehopethatmybodywouldforgothe3a.m.bathroomwake-upcall.)
(Itneverworked.)Anyway,Itoreopenthetest,figuredoutwhichendIwassupposedtopee
on,andthenwaitedfortheresults.WithintwominutestherewasaverydistinctdoublepinklineindicatingthatIwas,infact,knockedup.Andmyfirstthoughtwas,Ohmyword,Iampregnant.Followedimmediatelybymysecondthought,whichwas,Ohmyword,Iampregnant.
AndthenIthoughtofthatoldjokeaboutthedifferencebetweenapregnantwomanandalightbulb.
(I’msorry.Butit’strue.)
AsIsatonthecouchandwaitedforPerrytowalkthroughthedoor,Ifeltanoverwhelmingsenseofgratitudecombinedwithalittleanxiety.IthankedGodforthisnewlittlelifegrowinginsidemeandprayedthatIwouldn’tmessitup.Ababy.Weweregoingtohaveababy.Andithadhappenedsofast.IneverevengottousethelittleovulatingindicatorkitI’dboughtatthedrugstorefor$14.99.Iguessmymomhadbeenrightallthosetimesshe’dwarnedmeitonlytakesONETIMEtogetpregnant.
Perrywalkedinalittlewhilelateranddidn’tevenhaveachancetoshutthebackdoorbeforeIjumpedonhimandyelled,“I’MPREGNANT!”Wehugged,wecried,wecalledeveryoneweknewtotellthemthenews,asifwewerethefirstpeopleonearthwhohadeverconceivedachild.Itwaslikewe’dinventedfire.Orsomethingequallysignificant,likeachainofcoffeehousespoisedforworlddomination.
SeveraldayslaterIwenttothedoctor’sofficetogetmyblooddrawntoconfirmthattheeightpregnancytestsI’dtakenwereaccurate.Yes,Isaideight.I’dpurchasedtwomoreinadditiontotheoriginalsixbecauseyoucanneverbetoosure.Whatifthesevenpriortestswerealldefective?
WhenIreachedtheeight-weekmark,thedoctorhadmecomeinforaninitialultrasound,wheretheyusedsomethingthatlookedlikeacurlingirongonewrong.Perrywentwithme,andweimmediatelysawalittlebeanwithabeatingheartonthescreen.Dr.Hedgessaideverythinglookedgoodbutaskedustocomebackthefollowingweekforafollow-upultrasoundjusttomakesureeverythingwasokay.
Andhere’swhereIhavetoadmititneveroccurredtomethatsomethingmightbewrong.Ijustthoughtthiswasstandardprocedureormaybehereallylikedusandwantedtogiveusthechancetoseeourbabyagainbecauseweweresoexcited.Ithink,basedonthisinformation,it’ssafetosayI’manoptimistatheart.
Aweeklaterwewerebackatthedoctor’sofficewhilehescannedthescreentofindourbaby.Andthenhescannedsomemore.Andthensomemore.Perryheldoneofmyhands,andsuddenlyIrealizedDr.Hedgeswastakingmyotherhand.Helookedatmewithsadeyesandsaid,“I’msorry.Thebabyisgone.Thereisn’taheartbeat.”
Well,thatwasnotwhatIwasexpectingtohear.Heartbroken,IlookedupatPerryandrealizedhe’dturnedcompletelywhite.
Thedoctornoticedittoobecauseheimmediatelypressedtheintercombuttonandcalledforanursetohelpwith“abigoak”thatwasabouttogodown.Iwillalwaysrememberthatmomentbecauseeveninthesadness,Ithoughtitwasoddthathe’djustreferredtomyhusbandasabigoak.
Isattherefeelingnumbandexposed,desperatelywishingIwaswearingmorethanathin,backlesshospitalgownasDr.HedgesbegantotalktousaboutschedulingaDandCprocedureandhospitalcheck-intimesandotherlogisticstoremovethisbaby,ourbaby,whowasnolongeralive.
AllofasuddenIfeltasifIcouldn’tbreathe.TherealitystartedtofallinonmeasIgotdressedandwalkedthroughthewaitingroomfullofpregnantwomen.I’djustbeenoneofthosesmilingpregnantwomenafewminutesbefore.Now,inthespanofoneshortultrasound,Iwasfightingbacktearsandholdingaslipofpaperwithahospitalappointmenttime.Thegriefsettledinmychest,andIwantedtorunaway.Butwheredoyougowhenthepainiscomingfromsomewhereinsideyou?
PerryandIwalkedroboticallytothecarwithsuchasenseoflossoversomethingwe’djustnowrealizedwewantedsomuch.Ourbabywasgone.Slowly,IpickedupmycellphoneandstartedmakingthehardestcallsI’devermadeinmylife.
Therewasnoeasywaytotellourparentsandclosefriendsthatwe’dlostthebaby,butIwantedtogetitoverwith.Mystrategywastofacethepainhead-onandputitbehindusassoonaspossible.Whichisgreat,exceptpaindoesn’treallyworkthatway.It’ssneaky.Ithitsyouinthemiddleofthenightwhenthingsarequiet,anditwhispersthatitmaynevergoaway.AssoonasIgotmydaddyonthephoneandtoldhimournews,thedambroke.Thetearsfelllikethey’dneverstop,andmyshouldersbegantoshakeinthatwaytheydowhenyou’reheadedstraightforanuglycry.Thiswasgoingtobethefirstgrandchild,andIfeltlikewe’dleteverybodydown.
Wewerehitwiththesoberingrealitythatthiswholeparentinggigmightbealittleharderthanwe’doriginallythoughtbackwhenwebelievedthemostdifficultpartwouldbedecidingonanamethekidsontheplaygroundcouldn’tturnintoaninsult.
Chapter3
TheWorstSummerEver
Likemostthingsinlife,themiscarriageendedupbeingalotmorecomplicatedthanI’doriginallythought.PerryandIweresad,butwefiguredwe’dtryagaininamonthorso.Iwentbackforaroutinefollow-upvisittothedoctor,andtheyhadmetakeapregnancytesttoconfirmeverythinghadgoneasplannedwiththeDandC.
Thedoctordidn’tseemconcernedwhenthetestcamebackpositive.Hejusttoldmetowaitonemoreweek,takeatestathome,andcallhisofficeifitcamebackpositive.Whichisexactlywhathappened.Iwasinstructedtocomeinforabloodtestsotheycouldgetabetterreadingonmyhormonelevelsandtrytofigureoutwhatwasgoingonwithmybody.
IwasinDallasonabusinesstrip,tryingtofunctionlikeanormalperson,notsomeonewhowantedtostayinbedforevercurledupfromthesadness,whenmydoctorcalledme.(Thedoctorcalledmepersonallyonmycellphone.Nothisnurse.Notastaffmember.Thedoctor.Thiscouldn’tbodewell.)
Heexplainedthatthereweresomecomplications,andheusedwordslikemolarpregnancy,tumor,andcancer.Apparentlymybodydidn’trealizeIwasnolongerpregnant,androguecellshadbeguntocongregateinmyuteruslikeabandofterroristsplottingsomesortofjihad.Theconversationendedwithhisadviceto“gohomeimmediately.”
Thisprobablygoeswithoutsaying,butIbegantocryandcouldn’tstop.IcriedasIexplainedtomymanagerthatIneededtogetonthefirstflightoutofDallas,IcriedwhenIcalledPerrytoexplainwhatwasgoingon,andIcrieduntilIhyperventilatedwhenItalkedtomydaddyandheardtheconcerninhisvoice.
IboardedmyflighthometoSanAntonioandhavenodoubtIwasoneofthosepeoplewhofellowpassengersaredeeplyconcernedaboutbutarealittleafraidtotalktolesttheybecomeemotionallyunhinged.
Perrypickedmeupfromtheairport,andIalmostcollapsedwithreliefwhenIsawhim.Heisalwaysthevoiceofreason,theonewhowillbalancemyoutstandingabilitytogorighttotheworst-casescenarioandsetupatenttocampthereindefinitely.AsIblurtedoutallthewhat-ifsandwhys,heremainedsteadyandremindedmethatGodwasincontrolandwe’dknowmoreafterour
steadyandremindedmethatGodwasincontrolandwe’dknowmoreafterourdoctor’sappointmentthenextmorning.
AsIlayinbedthatnight,afterwe’daskedGodforwisdomandpeace,Ifeltthefearandanxietystarttosettleinagain.ButthenIheardthevoiceofGodasclosetoaudibleasanythingI’deverexperienced:“Itdoesn’tmatterwhatthedoctorssay.ItonlymatterswhatIsay.Iamincontrol.”
Peacewashedoverme,andIhadadeepsensethateverythingwasgoingtobeokay,evenifwewereonadifferentroadthanI’dplanned.
ThenextmorningIopenedmyBibletoIsaiah55andfeltthesewordsjumpoffthepage:
Youwillgooutinjoyandbeledforthinpeace;
themountainsandhillswillburstintosongbeforeyou,
andallthetreesofthefieldwillclaptheirhands.
I S A I A H 5 5 : 1 2
ItfeltlikeGod’spromisetomethatIwouldbebroughtbacktoaplaceofjoyatsomepointinthefutureevenifIcouldn’timagineitatthemoment.AndIheldontothatpromisewithcompletedesperation.
Whenwegotthedoctor’sreport,itturnedoutthatIhadn’thadanormalmiscarriage—I’dhadthedeluxeversion,thankstoapartialmolarpregnancy.Aversionthatrequiredmetogetmyblooddrawneveryweektocheckhormonelevelsanddoabunchofothermedical-jargonthingsthatwentovermyheadbecauseallIwantedtoknowwas,WhencanIhaveababy?
PerryandIrefertothistimeasTheWorstSummerEver.IwishIcouldsayIspentthisentirepostmiscarriageseasonfilledwithpeace,
butthatwouldbealie.Thereareonlysomanytimesyoucangetstuckwithaneedlebyanunsympatheticnurseandnotgetangry.Nottomentionmyhormonelevelsweren’tdroppingliketheyweresupposedtoandmyarmswerebeginningtohavetrackmarks,thankstotheaggressiveblooddraws.IknewIwasintroublewhenIcriedduringanoldepisodeofSanfordandSon.Ofcourse,thebiggerquestionmaybewhyIwaswatchingthisantiquatedtelevisionshowaboutajunkdealerandhissoninthefirstplace.Iwasinadarkhole.
BySeptemberthingsstillweren’tgoingasplanned.IwastoldthatI’dneedtohavepowerfulinjectionsofsomedrugwithanamethathadadisproportionatenumberofconsonantsinit,andbecauseofthatdrug,I’dneed
disproportionatenumberofconsonantsinit,andbecauseofthatdrug,I’dneedtowaitthreemoremonthsbeforeIcouldtrytogetpregnantagain.
Yetonlytwomonthslater,IfeltprettysurePerryandImightbepoorcandidatesforanysortof“safesex”campaign.Idrovetothestoretoloaduponpregnancytests,andittookexactlyfiveminutestoconfirmthat,yes,Iwaspregnant.Again.Aheadofschedule.Andprettyconfusedabouthowexactlythishadtranspired.Infact,whenIwenttoseemydoctorthefollowingweek,Iapologized,explaining,“I’mnotsurehowthishappened.”
Heofferedtobuymeabookaboutthewholeprocess.Ithinkhewasbeingsarcastic.Soitallbeganagain.ExceptthistimeIknewhowfragilethatlittlelife
insidemewas,largelybecauseI’dspentsomuchtimeonvariouspregnancymessageboardsontheInternet,whichmadeitseemliketherarestexceptionofallwhenbabiesactuallymakeit.Imean,haveyoureadWhattoExpectWhenYou’reExpecting?AsifIcouldn’tmakeupenoughworst-casescenariosallbymyself,nowIwasworryingaboutthingsI’dneverevenconsidered,liketoxoplasmosis.Whichapparentlyissomekindofbloodinfectionyoucangetfromacat.AndIdidn’tevenownacat.I’dthoughtaboutowningacat,though,andwhatifthatcounted?
ButatsomepointIrealizedIcouldspendthisentirepregnancyincompletefearandparanoiaaboutcatsandotherpotentialissues,orIcouldletgoandtrustthatGodwasincontrolofthislittlepersonIwasgrowingfromscratch.Irealizethattechnicallyit’snotfromscratchsomuchasthemergingofaspermandanegg,butthat’sprettydarnclosetomakingsomethingfromnothing.You’rewelcomeforthatfreereproductivelesson.
AllIknewwasthatifthispregnancywasgoingtoresultinareal,live,humanbabyIwouldraisetoadulthood,Ididn’twanttolookbackandregretthatI’dspenttheentireninemonthslivinginfearanddreadaboutwhatmighthappen.IwantedtoembraceallthemorningsIspentwithmyheadinatoiletandthemidnightrunsforsixorelevenglazeddonuts...forthebaby.IwantedtolookatbooksfilledwithbabynamesandthrowoutmysuggestionstoPerrywhilehesatonthecouchandwatchedhuntingshowsstarringTedNugentandtellhim,“NowayarewenamingthisbabyTed.OrNugent.”
TheonlyguaranteeIhadwasthatGodwasincontrol.Hewastheonewhoknewtheplanshehadformeandthislittlebabyandourfamily.AndwhileIdidn’tevenpretendtounderstandhiswaysandstillfeltalittlerawfromthemiscarriageandtheheartbreakoftheprevioussummer,Itrustedhimwiththeoutcome.SoIsatbackandpreparedtoenjoymypregnancyandprayedthatGodwouldblessuswithababywhowouldgrowintoastrong,fearlessleaderwitha
lotofpersonality.Hehasn’talwaysansweredmyprayersinthewaysI’veexpected—infact,
mostofthetimeheanswersinwaysInevercouldhavethoughtup.But,man,Ithinkthattimehewasinheaventhinking,Justyouwait.Becausewegotallthosethingsandthensome.
Nowwe’rejustholdingonfortheride.
Chapter4
IntheGhetto
GrowingupinSundayschool,IalwaysheardthatGodgiveseveryonespecialgifts.Somepeoplecansinglikeangels,othershavethegiftofencouragement,andaluckyfewcangetonthedanceflooranddanceinsuchawaythatpeoplewillformacirclearoundthemjusttowatch.
Notoneofthosethingsismygift.EventhoughthereweretimesincollegewhenIdrankenoughZimatofancymyselfquitethedancer.
Asforme,Ipossesstheuniquetalentofmakingstressfulsituationsevenmoretensebytakingonmorethananypersonwithsuchlimitedorganizationalskillsandashortattentionspanshould.(Look!Somethingshiny!)ThismayexplainwhyIconvincedPerryitwasagoodideaforustocompletelyrenovateourhomeduringmypregnancy.
Actually,we’ddecidedtostarttheprojectmonthsearlier,andIdidn’treallyseeareasontopostponeitjustbecauseIwashavingababy.SoweloadedupourtruckandwemovedtoBeverly.(Hills,thatis.Swimmingpools,moviestars...)
Exceptitwasn’tnearlyasglamorous,norwerewenearlyassophisticatedandpreparedastheClampetts.Anditwasn’tBeverlyHills.Evenso,wepackedupourentirehouseandmovedintoarentalhomeafewmilesawaywhilewebeganaconstructionprojectthatstillremainsthestrongestevidencethatourmarriagewilllastforever.Becauseifwesurvivedthat,wecansurviveanything.
There’ssomuchtalkaboutthedivorcerateintheUnitedStates,butIthinkallthatcouldchangeifoneoftherequirementsforgettingamarriagelicenseisthatthecouplemustfirstcompletesomesortofhomerenovationprojecttogether.AllthosetripstoHomeDepot,thedebatesaboutbudgets,decisionsaboutpaintcolors,andthedayyourbelovedtellsyoutherewillbenogranitecountertops—thosearethetestsoftruelove.That’swhenyouknowifthisissomeoneyouwanttobewithforthelonghaul—orwhenyourealizeyou’realreadystuckwiththatpersonforalifetime.Alifetimespentwithlaminatecountertopsinsteadofgranite.Butreally,I’moverit.
Asforus,wetookonthisenormousconstructionprojectlongafterwe’dsaidourvowsandwhileIwassimultaneouslyspendingmydaysatBabies“R”Usobsessingoverallthedifferentbottleoptionsandtryingtodeterminewhethera
obsessingoverallthedifferentbottleoptionsandtryingtodeterminewhetherawipewarmerwassomethingyouactuallyneededinordertohaveababy.
(Youdon’t,bytheway.Thatbabywillbehighmaintenanceenoughwithoutcreatingtheexpectationforawarmwetwipe.)
AndwhenIsaythatwetookontheconstructionproject,ImeanthatPerrycontractedtheentirejobandworkedtirelesslytomakesureeverythingturnedoutthewaywewantedwhileIcriedeverynightbecauseIwasworriedthehousewouldn’tbereadyontimeand,ohmyword,whatifwehadtobringournewbabygirlhometoarentalhouseinsteadofhernewpinknursery?
I’dliketoblamepregnancyhormonesformyconstantobsessionoverwhenthehousewouldbefinished,butIknowI’dactthesamewaytomorrowexceptIwouldn’tbeabletosingachorusof“IntheGhetto”byElvisPresleytodrivehomemypointbecausethewords“apoorlittlebabychildisborn—intheghetto”wouldn’thavethesameimpactnowthatthebabyiseightyearsold.
IevenclimbedonscaffoldingtohelphangcrownmoldingwhenIwaseightmonthspregnantinmydesperationtogetthehousefinished.Irealizethisdoesn’ttrumpMaryhavingtoridetoBethlehemonadonkeyandgivebirthinastable,butitfeelslikeaclosesecond.
WemovedbackintothehouseexactlytwoweeksbeforeCarolinewasborn,inspiteofthefactthatwehadnokitchencountertopsorothernecessarycomponentsthatmakeupakitchen.Butwehadthepinknursery,andthat’sallthatreallymattered.Whoneedsanovenwhenyouhavedarling,whimsicallettersthatspellCAROLINEhangingonapinkwallandafresh,whitecribthatthebabywon’tactuallysleepinforseveralmonths?
Alongthewaytherewerehighpointsandlowpoints.AndthentherewasJoe,theguywehiredtotileourshower,whohadneveractuallyinstalledtile.
Joetiledtheshowerstallinournewmasterbathroom.WeoriginallyhiredamannamedMr.BaldoofBaldoandSonConstructiontoworkontheshowerandothervariousjobs,butMr.Baldotookoffwithourmoneybeforeheevercompletedalltheworkwe’dhiredhimtodo.
Ofcourse,weshouldn’thavebeenshockedbythisturnofevents,consideringhe’dalreadyadmittedtousthathedidn’tactuallyhaveason,eventhoughhisbusinesswasnamedBaldoandSon.Iguesshejustfeltthatthe“andSon”gavehimanairoflegitimacy,muchlikeFredSanford.
Son”gavehimanairoflegitimacy,muchlikeFredSanford.Twomonthsbeforemyduedate,wefoundourselveswithoutatileguyand
withashowerthatdesperatelyneededtobetiled.Andit’safactoflifethatattheintersectionofcrazyanddesperate,you’llfindloweredstandards.Oneofoursubcontractorsmentionedthathisbrother-in-law,Joe,mightbeavailabletodosometilework,sowecalledhim.Hewasmorethanhappytotakethejob,hispricewasreasonable,andbestofall,hecouldstartthenextday.
Joeshoweduppromptlythenextmorningwithhisbucketofgroutandbeganlayingtileintheshower.Heturnedouttobequitetheconversationalist,andwhilehewasworking,hebegantochatextensivelywithPerry.Theytalkedabouttheneighborhoodandourconstructionproject,andthenJoesaid,“Youknowwhat,Mr.Perry?Ididn’tevenknowhowtoinstalltileuntillastweek,butIboughtavideoatHomeDepot,andnowIthinkIknowwhatI’mdoing.”
Well.Thatcertainlyiscomforting,Joe.You’dthinkhemighthavekeptthatbitofinformationtohimself,butIguess
Joewasafirmbelieverinbeingtransparent.Wesoondiscoveredhewasafirmbelieverinsomethingelsetoo.
PerryreturnedtothejobsiteonemorningandcouldtellJoehadleftinahurry.Histoolswerestrewnaboutthebathroom,andhehadn’tcoveredthebucketofgrout.WhenJoeshowedupthatday,Perryaskedhimwhathadhappened.Joeinformedhimourhousewashauntedandweneededtohavesomesortofexorcism.
Okay,sure.Let’sgetthatscheduled.Whatareyourthoughtsonanicehousewarmingpartycombinedwithanexorcism?Willpeoplebringgifts?Perhapsanicemango-scentedcandleandsomeholyoil?
Whenpressedfurther,Joebasedhissuspiciononhearingvoicesaftereveryoneelsehadleft.Nevermindthefactthateverywindowinthehousewasleftopenandwelivedinacornerhousewherepeoplewereconstantlywalkingby.Thelogicalconclusion,accordingtoJoe,wasthatwehadsomeghosts.Obviouslyplural,becausealthoughIdon’tknowmuchaboutghosts,Ibettheydon’ttravelalone.Theylikelytravelinpacks,thewaywomenvisittherestroomwhenthey’reouttogether.
Weneverdidhavethehouseexorcised,andshockingly,we’veneverhadanymoreghostissues.However,thereissomethinginourhousethat’sextremelyfrightening:thetilejobinourshower.It’spainfullyobviouswedidn’tneedapriestasmuchasweneededsomeonewithmoretileexperiencethananhour-longtutorialfromaHomeDepotvideo.
Afterwemovedbackintothehouse,Iattemptedtocleantheconstruction
dirtandgrimeoffthetileintheshower.Ifinallygaveup,realizingitwasimpossibletogetitcompletelycleanthankstoallthejaggedlinesandgroutimperfections.IgripedaboutitregularlytoPerry,questioninghowanyonewouldbeboldenoughordumbenoughtotakeonajobwithnoexperienceotherthanwatchingavideo.
Butthenithitme.Wasthatreallysodifferentfromwhatweweredoing?Weren’twetakingonthemostmonumentaljobintheworldindecidingtohaveachild?Andwhatdidweknow?Wewerejusttwodumbkids.Kidsinourearlythirties,butkidsnonetheless.Howelsedoyouexplainthatmostofourmealswerecookedinthemicrowaveandweconsidereddonutstobepartofabalancedbreakfast?IpridedmyselfonthefactI’dreadupwardoftwowholebooksontheparentingprocess,butinrealityIcouldonlywishforsomethingasextensiveasaHomeDepotvideoproductiononhowtobeaparent.
LikeAnneLamottsaysinTravelingMercies,“IalwaysimaginedwhenIwasakidthatadultshadsomekindofinnertoolboxfullofshinytools:thesawofdiscernment,thehammerofwisdom,thesandpaperofpatience.ButthenwhenIgrewupIfoundthatlifehandedyoutheserustybentoldtools—friendships,prayer,conscience,honesty—andsaid,Dothebestyoucanwiththese,theywillhavetodo.Andmostly,againstallodds,they’reenough.”
PerryandIweregoingtowalkthisroad,hopingfortheadviceoffriendsandparentsandwell-meaningoldladiesatthegrocerystoretogetusthrough,butmostofall,knowingwewerecompletelydependentonGodtogiveuswisdomabouthowtolayallthetilesofchildhoodasstraightaswecouldandtosmoothinthegroutwiththehopeofcoveringourownimperfectionsandmakingthemworkwiththeoveralldesignandpersonalityofourdaughter.
Ofcoursewecouldn’thaveknownthenthatwe’dalsohavetimes,muchlikeJoe,whenwe’dwonderifthecreationwewereworkingonmightbepossessed.Especiallyfromagestwothroughfour.ButI’mgettingaheadofmyself.
Chapter5
Shamu&theChickenSpaghetti
OnedayshortlyafterJoethetilenoviceleftus,IdecidedImightfeelbetterandeliminatesomestressifItookadayofffromobsessingaboutthehouseandsinging“IntheGhetto”torelaxandgetalittlecoloronmyverypregnantphysique.Yes,becausethatwouldmakeitlookbetter.WheneverIvisitSeaWorld,IalwayshearpeopleremarkthatShamuwouldlookalotsmallerifonlyhehadatan.
Soinaflashofbrilliance,Idecidedtoputonaswimsuitandsitinthebackyardtogetsomesun.Andtomaximizemyefforts,Icontortedmyseven-months-pregnantbodyintoanonmaternitybikini,eventhoughtherewasmaximumspillageeverywhere.Lookinggood.ButIfigurednoonewouldseeme,andreally,inthelongrun,wouldn’talittlebitofatanmakemypregnantbodylooksomuchbetter?
Theanswerwasliterallyabig,fatno,butGodblessmeformyoptimism.Theonlythingthatwasgoingtomakemelookbetteratthatpointwaschildbirth,accompaniedbyanensuingmaximum-weight-lossdietplan—oh,andtheevaporationofthefifteenpoundsofwaterIwasretaininginmyankles.
Iwasinthemiddleofgatheringmycruciallaying-out-in-the-sunsupplies,suchasInStylemagazine,abottleofwater,andatowel,whenthephonerang.AsIwastalkingonthephone,IwalkedintothebackyardwithoutrealizingIhadn’tbroughtanyofmythingsoutwithme.IturnedtogobackinsideandrealizedIhadshut,andthereforelocked,thebackdoorbehindme.
Iwasstandinginthebackyardofourrentalhome,sevenmonthspregnant,inabikiniswimsuitwithnotowel,noT-shirt,andnotarptocovermylarge,exposedself.Iimmediatelybeganweighingmyoptions.Itriedallthebackwindows.Theywereshuttight.Icontemplatedhoistingmypregnantbodyoverthechain-linkfenceinthehopethatthefrontdoormightbeunlocked.
Nowthereisamentalimage.Ahuge,pregnantwomaninatoo-smallbikiniclimbingachain-linkfence.It’senoughtomakeapersonwishtheydidn’thaveeyes.Nevermindthatitwouldhavetakenaforkliftormaybeevenacranetogetmeoverthatfence.
AfterIquitpanicking,IrealizedIhadaphonewithme,soIcalledPerryonhiscellphoneandexplainedwhathadhappened.Afterhequitlaughing
hiscellphoneandexplainedwhathadhappened.Afterhequitlaughinghysterically,hesaidthathe’dgethomeassoonashecould.Buthewasaboutforty-fiveminutesaway.
IspentthoseminutestalkingonthephonetoGulleywhileintermittentlydrinkingwateroutofthegardenhosetokeepmyselfhydratedandhangingoutofanincreasinglysmallswimsuit.ItwasascenestraightfromanepisodeofCops.
Perryfinallyarrivedafterwhatseemedlikehoursandsavedhiswaddlingdamselindistress.Air-conditioningandamaternitydressthatactuallycoveredmybodyhadneverfeltsogood.Iknowpeoplealwayssaypregnantwomenglow,butIthinkit’sonlybecausethepregnancyhormonesmakeyousohotthatyouhavenootherchoicebuttowalkaroundwithsweatglisteningonyourfacethemajorityofthetime.Plus,Iadamantlybelievethatpeople,especiallyhusbands,arejustalittlefrightenedbypregnantwomenandtheirabilitytocompletelyfreakoutatamoment’snotice,sotheytrytocomeupwithverbsthathaveapositiveconnotation.
Thatdaymarkedtheendofmyattemptstotrytobebeautifulandpregnantatthesametime.AlongwithalessonthatperhapsIshouldn’tbesovain.MaybenowthatIwasabouttobesomeone’smother,IshouldworrymoreaboutthingslikeresearchingthesafestcarseatsandputtingthoseplasticchildproofplugsinelectricalsocketsinsteadoflyingoutinthesunlikeIwasstillincollegeandskippingmybiologylab.AndcertainlytherewouldbeplentyoftimetolieoutinthesunandrelaxafterIhadthebaby.Right?
OurhousewasfinallyfinishedbythemiddleofJuly.Ofcourse,finishedisarelativeterm.Itwasinhabitable.Aslongasyoudon’tconsiderafunctioningkitchentobeanessentialpartofahome—andthereareplentyoftribesincountriesallovertheworldthatdon’t.Personally,IalwaysenjoyalegitimatereasontopickupMexicanfoodfordinner.Washingourdisheswiththehoseinthebackyardwasalittleawkward,butthatonlylasteduntilPerrybroughtinapieceofplywoodandatwenty-five-dollartemporarysinkheboughtatHomeDepot.
Iconstantlycomplainedaboutthelackofproperair-conditioningthatsummer.IwouldlieinbednexttoPerryatnightandlaunchintoasix-partlecture,completewithbulletpoints,abouthowIcouldn’tbelievewe’dspentall
lecture,completewithbulletpoints,abouthowIcouldn’tbelievewe’dspentallthismoneyonnewair-conditioningunitsthatdidn’tactuallycooloffourhouse.Ifeltcertainwe’dbeenapartofsomeelaborateair-conditioningconjobandwrotenumerouslettersinmyheadtotheBetterBusinessBureauaboutourshadyheatingandcoolingcompany.Perryneverreallyrespondedtomyrantsabouthowourbedroomfeltlikethesurfaceofthesun.Butthatmighthavebeenbecausehewastoowrappedupinthreedowncomforterstohearme.
Wespentthenextfewweeksunpackingallourthings,hangingpictures,andgettingsplintersfromourmakeshiftkitchencountertops.ButallthatreallymatteredtomewasthatIcouldsitinthepinkrockerinthenurseryatnighttimeandprayforournewbabygirl,whowasabouttomakeherbigdebut.Godhadgivenmeaverseforherafewmonthsearlier,andI’dsitinthesilenceofthatfreshlypaintednurseryandwhisperthewordslikeaprayer:
Iwillpourwateronthethirstyland,andstreamsonthedryground;
IwillpouroutmySpiritonyouroffspring,andmyblessingonyourdescendants.
Theywillspringuplikegrassinameadow,likepoplartreesbyflowingstreams.
Somewillsay,“IbelongtotheLORD”;otherswillcallthemselvesbythenameofJacob;
stillotherswillwriteontheirhand,“TheLORD’s.”I S A I A H 4 4 : 3 - 5
Ultimately,asmuchasIhopedandprayedforahealthy,perfectbaby,whatIdesiredmorethananythingelsewastoraiseachildwhowouldknowthejoyofputtingGodfirstinherlifeandthewisdomasaparenttoshowherwhatthatlookslike.Perryhadlosthisdadinanaccidentwhenhewasjustnineyearsold,thesameageIwaswhenmyparentsdivorced.Ihadadifficultrelationshipwithmymother,andPerrycouldn’tfillabucketwithwhatheknewaboutgirls.Bothofusfeltlikewewereventuringintounchartedterritoryhere,andweknewwecouldn’tdothisbyourselves.Infact,Ithinkweknewatsomelevelthen,andwearecontinuingtolearnmoreandmore,thatwe’redoingitinspiteofourselves.Wearetwoveryimperfectsoulswhohavebeenentrustedwithalittlepieceofheaven,andwedon’ttakethatlightly.
ThelastweekofJulyfinallyrolledaround,andwegotthecallfromthecountertoppeoplethattheywerereadytofinishourkitchen.PerryscheduledthemforFriday,August1,anddecideditwouldbeagreatopportunityforhimtotakealast-minutetripdowntothenationalseashoretofishandcampoutforthenight.Becausehewasapparentlytryingtokillme.
Whothinksit’sagoodideatoleaveyourwife,whoiscurrentlyninemonthspregnant,todrivetoaremotedestinationwithnocellservicetocatchsharks?Otherthansomeonewhohasadeathwish.Heagreedtowaittoleaveuntilaftermydoctor’sappointmentthatThursdaymorning.ProbablybecauseI’dspenttheprevioustwenty-fourhoursinforminghimthatmissingthebirthofyourfirstchildisthekindofthingawomannevergetsover.NEVER.LikeonmydeathbedIwouldholdhishandandwhisper,“Rememberhowyouweren’ttherewhenourbabywasborn?”
Butmydoctorcheckedmeoutandsaiditdidn’tlooklikeIwasgoingintolaboranytimesoon.Andwiththatproclamation,Perrypackeduphisfishingrodsandhiscommonsenseandheadedtowardthecoast.Meanwhile,Istayedhometosupervisethekitchencrewastheyinstalledeverything,andImadeplanswithmymother-in-lawforhertocomeoverearlySaturdaymorningtohelpmeunpackboxesandorganizethenewkitchen.
BecauseGodlovesPerry,hecamehomesafeandsoundfromhissharkexpeditionlateFridayafternoon.Wehadplanstoattendadinnerpartythatnightforourchurch,soIdidthenecessaryacrobaticstogetmyselfintothelastofmymaternitytopsthatstillfit(andapairofheels,whichhasnorelevancetothisstory,butIwasproudofmyselfforsufferingforthesakeoffashionandfeltthatyoushouldknow)andwaddledoutforourbignightonthetown.Orabignighteatingchickenspaghettiandtalkingaboutfutureplansforourchurch.Samedifference.Unlessyouareinyourteensandenvisioninghowglamorouslifewillbesomeday.
Wehadanicenightandevenhadsomefriendscomebacktoourhousetogettheofficialtouroftheremodel.Finally,aroundmidnight,PerryandIcrawledintobed,andIcommencedmynightlyritualofcomplainingaboutallthewayswe’dbeensuckeredintobuyingasubparair-conditioningunitwhilePerryputonhisstockingcapandwoolsocks.
Around3:00a.m.Iwokeuplikesomeonehadslappedme.Isatstraightupandimmediatelyknewsomethingwasn’tright.Butthenthefeelingwentaway,
andimmediatelyknewsomethingwasn’tright.Butthenthefeelingwentaway,andIlaydowntogobacktosleep.Twentyminuteslater,justasI’ddriftedoff,Iwokeupagain.AndIknew.Iknew.Clearly,I’deatensomebadchickenspaghetti.Therewasnootherexplanationforthewaymystomachwascramping.CertainlynotthefactthatIwasnineandahalfmonthspregnantandpossiblyinlabor.
Blessmyheart.Icontinuedtoliethereindenial,fumingabouttheunsanitarynatureof
poultryingeneralandcasserolesinparticular,asIexperiencedwaveafterwaveoffoodpoisoning.Exactlytwentyminutesapart.Andthenfifteenminutesapart.Andthentenminutesapart.
Around6:00a.m.Ifinallybegantocomeoutofmyhazeofdenial,shookPerrylightly,andsaid,“Hey.IthinkImightbeinlabor.”
Herubbedthesleepoutofhiseyes.“DoIhavetimetotakeashower?”heasked,scratchinghishead.
Really?Doyouhavetimetotakeashower?HowamIsupposedtoknowthat?Untilaboutthirtyminutesago,IthoughtIhadfoodpoisoning.Iamanidiot.
Itoldhimheprobablyhadtimetotakeashowerbecausethatwasobviouslythemostpressingmatterathand.Inthemeantime,Icalledmyparents,Gulley,andmysistertoletthemknowImayormaynotbe,butprobablywas,inlabor,butIcouldalsobeinthethroesofacaseofsalmonellathathitwithwavesofastonishingregularity.
ThenIcalledmymother-in-law,whowassupposedtoarriveinaboutanhourtohelpmewiththekitchen.Sheasked,“SoshouldInotcomeover?”
AndIrespondedwithanemphatic,“No,youneedtocomeoverrightnowandhelpmegetthiskitchenunpacked!”
Becauseinwhatcanonlybedescribedas“laborlogic,”IfeltlikeIcouldsurvivechildbirthbutIcouldn’thandlebringingmybabyhometoahousewithoutanorganizedsilverwaredrawerandTupperwarecabinet.
Thiswasnottheghetto.Thiswasourhome.Anditwasabouttohaveareal,livebabyinit.
Chapter6
IWantedMyEpiduralintheFirstTrimester
Ithinkit’simportantforyoutoknowthattherewasatimeinmylifewhenIseriouslyconsideredadoptinganypotentialchildrenImighthave.Notoutofanysenseofcompassionateobligation,butbecauseIthoughtthebestmethodofchildbirthmightbetocompletelyskipthewholebirthpartofthatequationandgostraighttothepreciouslittlebundlewrappeduplikeaburrito.
Therearewomenwhowanttoexperiencenaturalchildbirth,butthoseareprobablythesamewomenwhorunmarathons.Iamnotoneofthosewomen.Ibelieveinthemiraclesofmodernmedicine,andthatincludesepidurals.WhichiswhyoneofthefirstquestionsIaskedmydoctoruponfindingoutIwaspregnantwas“HowsooncanIgetthemeds?”Whenheencouragedmetowriteanofficialbirthplan,minewasasinglepieceofpaperwith“EPIDURAL!!!!!”scrawledinlargeletterswithaSharpiepen.
Honestly,Ilongedforthegoodolddaysmygrandmothertoldmeaboutwhenawomanwouldgointothehospitaltohaveababyandwakeuptwodayslaterwithmemoriesofvaguehallucinationsandachildinherarms.Butapparentlythatoptionisnolongeravailable,thankstothemarvelofmedicaladvances.
AndsinceIwassocertainIwantednopartofanykindofnaturalchildbirthpain,Ididn’tseetheneedforPerryandmetowasteanytimegoingtothosefreechildbirthclassesthehospitaloffers.WhywouldwedothatwhenitwasTrista’sseasononTheBacheloretteanditlookedlikeshemighthavearealshotatlastinglovewithRyan,thecutefireman?(And,bytheway,they’restilltogether,soIthinkit’sclearImadetherightchoice.)NottomentionIwasspendingallmyfreetimecatchinguponeveryepisodeofAlias,andclearlySydneyBristowandVaughnandthetakedownofSD-6werewaymoreimportantthanlearninghowtobreathethroughthechildbirthpainsIwassureIwouldn’texperience.
(TheremayhavebeenaweekwhenIseriouslytriedtoconvincePerrythatweshouldnameourchildSydneyBristow.)
(IalsosuggestedthenameOwen,forunknownreasons.ButquicklyscratcheditoffthelistwhenIrememberedwewerehavingagirl.PlusPerry
alwayssaid“Owen”liketheMommacharacterinThrowMommafromtheTrain.)
TheonlythingIdidtoprepareforchildbirth,otherthanfantasizeabouthavingarmsthatlookedlikeSydneyBristow’s,wastotaketheofficialtourofthehospital.ThisiswhenIlearnedacriticalpieceofinformation:thereisnoguaranteethatyougetaprivateroomafterdelivery.Thenursegivingthetourtoourlittlebandofsevenoreightexpectingcouplesendedourtourbywhisperinginaconfidentialtone,“ThebestadviceIcangiveyouifit’sreallyimportantforyoutohaveyourownroomistorememberthatthesqueakywheelgetsthegrease.”AndIvowedthenandtheretobethesqueakiestwheelMethodistHospitalhadeverseen.
Afteradayofon-and-offcontractionsandfuriousunpackingofboxes,around5:00p.m.onSaturday,August2,Ifinallycalledthedoctor’sansweringserviceandtoldthemIthoughtIwasinlabor.Theon-calldoctorreturnedmycall,andIinformedherthatmycontractionswereaboutsevenminutesapart.Sheagreeditwasprobablytimeformetoheadtothehospital.PerryandIgatheredourbagsandmyassortmentofpillowsandloadedthemintotheFordTaurusthatI’dinsistedmybrother-in-law,Chris,vacuumoutformeearlierinthedaybecauseIcan’tbringmybabyhomeinadirtycar.
(Iwasajoytobearound.)(Kindoflikearabidcat.Imayhaveevenhissed.)AsPerrydrovetothehospital,mycontractionsbegantogetstrongerand
harder.Imighthavesaidsomewordsyou’llneverhearinSundayschool,unlessyougotooneofthosechurchesthatistryingSUPERhardtoberelevanttotoday’sculture.Perrybegantoprayformeashewasdriving—thatGodwouldgivethedoctorsandnurseswisdom,thatitwouldbeaneasydelivery,thatIwouldnotbeafraid.Andthenhelookedatmeandsaid,“Thisisthelasttimewe’regoingtobealoneforalongtime.”
Itwashisattemptathumor,awaytolightenthemoment.ButIsuckedinmybreath,lookedathim,andburstintotears.Ithinkit’stimeslikethishewisheshe’dfollowedhisoriginallifeplantoliveonaremoteranchandspendhisdayshuntingandfishingallbyhimself.“What?WhatdidIsay?”hequestioned.
“Thisisit,”Ireplied.“Wewon’tbealoneagainforeighteenyears.Atleast.Andourlivesareabouttototallychange,andthereisnogoingback.”
Andourlivesareabouttototallychange,andthereisnogoingback.”Helookedatmewithastraightfaceandsaid,“Yes,it’scalledparenthood.
Wesignedupforitninemonthsago.”Iknewthat.ButinthatmomentIfeltoverwhelmedbywhatwasaboutto
happenandhowmuchourliveswereabouttobeturnedupsidedown.Iwasterrifiedoflabor,inmorepainthanI’dexpectedfromcontractions,anddesperatelywishingI’dgonetoatleastoneofthoseclassesthatwouldhavetaughtmetobreathelike“Hoo,hee,hoo”whilefocusingonaspotonthewall.
Wedrovearoundthehospitalparkinglotlookingforaparkingplaceandresistingtheurgetoyelloutthewindow,“Hey,blackSuburban,we’reabouttohaveababy.Ihopeyouneedthatparkingspotmorethanwedo.”
Afterwefinallyparkedandunloadedourstuff,webegantomakeourwaytothehospitalentrance,butIhadtostopinthemiddleofthesidewalkbecauseIwasovercomebyacontraction.AllthoseepisodesofAliaswerenothelpfulinthatmoment.
PerryleftourbagsandhurriedtogetmeintothehospitalwhileIcalledouttoanyonewhoappearedtobeofficialhospitalpersonnel,“Iwouldlikeaprivateroom,please!CanIgetaprivateroom?”Thelittlecandystriperintheelevatorremovedherarmfrommydeathgripandwhispered,“I’llseewhatIcando,ma’am,butI’mjustavolunteer.”
EventuallyImadeittoaroomandwasgivenahospitalgowntochangeintowithinstructionstogetinthebedandwaitforthenursetocomecheckme.IlaythereasPerryheldmyhand,justknowingthatthenursewouldprobablydetermineIwasatleastsixcentimetersdilated.Howelsecouldtheyexplainthepainandfrequencyofthesecontractions?
SeveralminuteslaterNurseLouiseenteredtheroom.AndIimmediatelyknew,thewayyouknowwhenthemilkhasgonebad,thatshedidn’tsubscribetothewarmandfuzzymethodoflaboranddelivery.Shewalkedin,surveyedtheroom,andwrinkledhernoselikeshehadjustsmelledweaknessanditmadeherstomachturn.Itriedtomakepolitesmalltalkasshecheckedmeforsignsoflabor,andIonlyhalf-jokinglyasked,“So,whenwilltheanesthesiologistbehere?”
NurseLouiselookedatmesuspiciouslyandreplied,“You’reonlyonecentimeterdilated.Idon’tknowifyou’rereallyeveninlabor,andyoucertainlydon’tneedtheanesthesiologist.”LikeIwassomekindofdrug-seekingpatientwhohadcometothehospitallookingtogetanepiduralforrecreationaluse.
Onecentimeterdilated.Well,thatwascertainlydisappointing.Allthatpain?Allthosecontractions?Foronelousycentimeter?
Mysister,mymother-in-law,andGulleyhadallfollowedustothehospital,
andonceNurseLouisedeclaredthatabirthwasn’timminentanditwaspossibleIwasfakingtheentirething,theysentmybrother-in-lawtopickupMcDonald’sfordinner.Theyallbegantohavesocialhourwhileeatingtheircheeseburgers,andtheyplacedbetsonwhattimethebabywouldarrive.Itwasallfunandgamesuntilamajorcontractionhitme,andImayormaynothavesaidinaforcedtone,“I’mgoingtoneedyoualltobequietandtakeyourfrenchfriesoutside.”I’veneverseenpeoplejumpsoquicklytomeetmyfrenchfrydemands.
Ispentthenextseveralhoursinincreasingpain,hookeduptoamonitorthatclearlyindicatedIwashavinghealthycontractions,yetNurseLouisecontinuedtoinsistIdidn’tneedtheepiduralyet.Perrybelieveddifferently,especiallyafterIwrenchedhisthumboutofitssocketduringoneparticularlyintensemoment.
Thenthedoctoroncallcamein—averynicewoman,I’msure,butshewasn’tawareofmymasterepiduralplan.Shewasconcernedthatmylaborwasn’tprogressing.(Really?Becauseitfeltlikeprogression.Itfeltlikeanalienwasabouttoburstoutofmystomachholdingmyintestines.)ShealsodecidedIwasmeasuringsmallforafull-termpregnancy,soshesentmeofftohaveanultrasound.
Astheywheeledmedownthehall,IclutchedPerry’shandlikeitwasmypersonallifeline,buttheystoppedatthedoortotheultrasoundroomandsaidhecouldn’tgoinwithme.Iwastakenintoasmall,darkplacewithnooneIlovedaroundme,filledwithworryandfearthatsomethingmightbewrongwithourbabygirl.Ilayonthehospitalbedasthetechnicianrubbedcoldgelonmystomach,andthetearsbegantofall.Itwasalltoomuch.Thiswaswaytoohard.Idon’tknowthatI’veeverfeltsoalone.
ThenIheardavoicewhisperinthedarkness:“You’renotalone.I’mhere.”AndIbegantoquotewhatIrememberedofPsalm121tomyself:
Iliftupmyeyestothemountains—wheredoesmyhelpcomefrom?
MyhelpcomesfromtheLORD,theMakerofheavenandearth.
Hewillnotletyourfootslip—hewhowatchesoveryouwillnotslumber;
indeed,hewhowatchesoverIsraelwillneitherslumbernorsleep.
TheLORDwatchesoveryou—theLORDisyourshadeatyourrighthand;
thesunwillnotharmyoubyday,northemoonbynight.
TheLORDwillkeepyoufromallharm—hewillwatchoveryourlife;
theLORDwillwatchoveryourcomingandgoingbothnowandforevermore.
Peacebegantowashoverme,andIknewitwastrue:Iwasn’talone.Ididn’tknowifeverythingwasgoingtobeokay,butIknewwithallcertaintythatJesuswasrighttherewithmeinthatscaryhospitalroomastheultrasoundtechnicianmovedthewandbackandforthacrossmystomach.
Ithinktherearetimesinlifewhenhetakesawayallthoseearthlythingswelooktoforcomfortandsecuritysowecanfeelhimbetterandlovehimmore.Thiswasoneofthosemomentsforme.Inmycomingandgoing,hewaswithme.
Chapter7
StraightfromHeaven
ThedoctormetPerryandmebackinthelaboranddeliveryroomandannouncedthateverythingwasokayandourbabygirlappearedtobeinthehealthyseven-toeight-poundrange.Thenshelefttheroom,andIdidn’tseeherorNurseLouiseforafewhourswhileIcontinuedtowonderwhattheyhadagainstepiduralsandiftheysecretlyhatedmebecauseI’dbeensobelligerentaboutthewholeprivateroomthing.Maybethesqueakywheelgetstheprivateroombutnottheepidural?ChalkthatuptothingsIwishI’dknownearlier.
Aswefoundoutmuchlater,therewasanemergencyC-sectioninthenextroomwithmajorcomplications.ThehospitalwasshortstaffedbecauseitwasaSaturdaynight,andmy“routine”laborgotlostintheshuffle.WhenNurseLouisefinallyshoweduptocheckmyprogressaroundmidnight,shegotastunnedlookonherfaceandimmediatelypagedthedoctor,whocameinandannouncedIwasfullydilated.Theybothactedshockedandsurprised.
Youknowwhowasn’tsurprised?Me.I’dbeeninsomuchpaininthelastfewhoursthatIcouldn’tbelievewomeneverhadsexagainafteroneroundofchildbirth.IlookedatPerryandhopedhe’dbesatisfiedlivingthelifeofamonkbecausetherewasnowayIwasgoingtodoanythingtoriskthiskindoffoolishnessagain.
Nothinginlifehadpreparedmeforthiskindofpain.Irealizethisisextremelycomfortingforthoseofyouwhomightbereadingthiswhilepregnantwithyourfirstchild.Butbearwithme.Itwillbeokay.Justmakesureyouyellforyourepiduralbeforeyouholleraboutgettingaprivateroom.
WhenthedoctortoldmeIwasreadytogo,Iwailed,“Whataboutmyepidural?Iwantedtheepidural.Please.Get.Me.The.Epidural.”Imayhavegrowledthatlastpart.Sheimmediatelypagedtheanesthesiologist,andIwassorelievedIhadn’tmissedthe“epiduralwindow”I’dheardsomuchaboutthatIbegantosob.
Afewminuteslatermyknightinshiningarmorcamesweepingthroughthedoorwithatrayofbliss.Ashescrubbedmybackandhelpedmesituponthetable,Iwhispered,“I’veneverlovedanyonemore.”AndatthatmomentIabsolutelymeantit.ForgetPerry.Hewastheonewho’dgottenmeintothismessinthefirstplace.
messinthefirstplace.Themedicinebegantotakeeffect,andIcamebacktomyrealself,as
evidencedbythefactIcalledforsomeonetobringmemylipglossTOOTSUITEandtoldeveryonetogatheraroundmeforagrouppicture.Bythistimeseveralmoreofourfriendshadarrived,andtheywereallalittlecautiousastheyapproachedme,mainlybecauseI’dbeenonesplitpeasoupincidentawayfromTheExorcistonlyfiveminutesearlier.
Afterafewphotos,thedoctorannounceditwastimetopush.Atthatmomentsomelatentcompetitiveurgeroseupinme,andIdeterminedthatIwasgoingtobethemostefficientpusherMethodistHospitalhadeverseen.Maybethey’devenputupaplaqueinmyhonor:HardestPusher.NurseLouiseofferedtobringamirroraroundtheendofthebedsoIcouldseewhatwasgoingon,butIdeclined.Therearesomethingsyoucan’tunsee,andIfeltlikeababycomingoutofmybusinessendfellwhollyinthatcategory.Let’snotgothere.
Afterseveralpushes,betweenwhichIannouncedloudlyhowI’dreallyworkedtokeepmycoremusclesstrongduringpregnancy,PerrysawsomethingsIdesperatelywishneitherofushadtoknowabout.ButthenIdecideditprobablyhelpedthecaseIwasgoingtomakeforwhyweshouldneverexperiencemaritalintimacyagain.
FinallyIheardthedoctorsay,“Iseeherhead,”followedshortlyby,“She’shere!”Andinthatbriefmoment,lifechanged.Therewasaseismicshiftwherethingswentfrombeingaboutmetobeingcompletelyfocusedonthetiny,littlecreaturewhohadjustenteredtheroomat2:14a.m.onAugust3.Iheldmybreathasthenursescarriedhertoalittleincubatortocheckheroutandtakehervitals,andIfinallybreathedoutagainwhenthedoctorannounced,“She’sahealthylittlepeanut.”
Andshewasalittlepeanut.Onlyfivepounds,eightounces,buthealthyandpink.TheywrappedherupandhandedhertoPerry.Hebroughthertome,andIstaredinwonderatthislittlepinkgift,thistinypersonfreshfromheaven.ItwasasifIcouldstillsmelltheangelsonher,likeIwaslookingstraightintothefaceofGod.AGodwhohadjustblesseduswithsomuchmorethanweevercouldhaveimagined.
Howamazingthathebringslifethisway.Throughpainandhurtandtheuglythingsinsideuswetrytokeephiddenaway.Thethingswedon’ttalkabout.Inthatmoment,asIlookedatmylittlegirllyinginmyarms,IrealizedthiswholeprocesswassuchastrikingpictureofhowChristworksinus.Hetakesourdisappointments,rejections,andhardtimes,andhemakessomethingbeautiful.Hecreateslifeandshowsuswhatbeautylookslikeinplaceswherewelookandseenothing.
Heblessesusbeyondourimaginations,inspiteofallthebrokenroadswe’ve
Heblessesusbeyondourimaginations,inspiteofallthebrokenroadswe’vewalked.Infact,maybeheblessesussolavishlybecauseofallthebrokenroadswe’vetraveled.Asiftoremindusthatheseesus—reallyseesus—notjustforwhoweareatanygivenmoment,butforwhatwecouldbeoneday.
That’showIfeltwhenIlookedatCarolineTatumShankleforthefirsttime.Overwhelmed,humbled,grateful.Itdidn’tmatterthatshedidn’thaveanyeyelashesyet,whichcausedhertolookalittlelikeafrog-baby,orthatPerry,asheadmittedlater,waslookingatherthinking,Well,atleastwe’llloveyouandthinkyou’recute.Ilookedatherandsawperfection.Andlove.Andmercy.Andgrace.IhadneverseenthehandofGodmoreclearlyinallmylife.
Ourfriendscamebackintheroom,andwepassedCarolinearoundtoeachoneofthemandtookamillionpictures.IcalledmyparentsonthephonebecausetheywerestilltryingtomaketheirwaytoSanAntoniofromHouston,thankstoNurseLouise’sproclamationthatIwasn’treallyinlabor,andtoldthemCarolinehadarrivedandcouldn’twaittomeetthem.
AndthenCarolinewasbackinmyarms,staringatmewiththosewide,brownish-blueeyeswithnoeyelashesandalookthatseemedtosay,Soyou’remymom?Ihopeyou’reupforthis,sucker.Shenevermadeasoundbutstaredwithoutblinkingateverythinggoingonaroundherasiftakinganinventoryoftheworldandtryingtofigureoutifitmetherstandards.Likeshemightwanthermoneybackorsomething.
AfterawhilethenursesannounceditwastimetotakeCarolinetothenurserytogetcleanedup.Theytookheraway,finisheddoingsomestufftomethatIreallydidn’taskabout,andtoldmetheyweregoingtotakemetomyprivateroom.Praiseyou,Jesus,fortheprivateroom.Atleastthatpartofmybirthplanwasintact.
Astheywheeledmedownthehall,wepassedthenursery,wheremyparentshadarrivedandwerelookingthroughthewindowasthenursestookcareofCaroline.Iheardmydadsayangrily,“Itseemsliketheydon’tneedtobethatroughwithher.Ihopetheyknowwhatthey’redoing.”IcalledouttothemasIrolledby,andtheyallwavedatmebrieflybeforeturningbacktogivetheirtotalandcompleteattentiontothebaby.AllofasuddenIwasjustthevehiclethathadprovidedthemwithagrandchild.Nice.
OnceIarrivedinmysweetnine-by-sixprivateroomthatwepaidextrafor,anangeldisguisedasanursecameintocheckonmeandsaidIshouldgetsomesleepbeforetheybroughtthebabybackin.Everyonecameintotheroomtotellmegood-byeandsaidthey’dbebackfirstthinginthemorning.ThenPerryandItriedtocloseoureyesandsleep.
Wewerebothexhaustedyetsohypeduponnew-parentadrenalinethatitwashardtowinddown.Ijustwantedtoseemybabygirlagainandmakesureshewasreal.Thiswholethingwasstartingtoseemlikeadream.Ofcourse,ithelpedthatIwasstilltotallynumbfromtheepidural,asevidencedbythefactthatIkepttryingtomoveapillowonthebedthatturnedouttobemyownleg.
Around6:30a.m.theybroughtCarolineintome.Theysaidshewasstrugglingtostaywarmsinceshehadsolittlebodyfat.(Aproblemshedidn’tinheritfromhermother.)SoIdressedherinoneofthesixgownsI’dbroughttothehospital,marvelingathertinytoesandchickenlegsandprayingIwouldn’tbreakher.Thenurseshowedmehowtowrapheruplikealittleburrito,andthenIheldherwhileIformallyintroducedmyself.“Hi.I’myourmama,”Isaid.“Welcometotheworld,littlemonkeybean.”
Myparentsandmysister,whohadbeendyingtogettheirhandsonthebaby,werefinallyabletoholdCarolineforthefirsttime.Iknewthey’dalwaysbeenproudofme,butIfeltlikeI’djustgiventhemthekeystoamagicalkingdomfilledwithrainbowsandunicorns.Orinmydad’scase,akingdomwherenoonehastopayincometaxandtherearenobaddriverswhoneglecttoturnrightatredlights.Theylookedatherwithsomuchlove.Itfeltlikelifehadjustcomefullcirclerightthereinthattinyhospitalroom.
AllofasuddenIrealizedIwasstarving.PerryrandowntothehospitalfoodcourtandbroughtmeanewMcDonald’sinventioncalledtheMcGriddle.Itwasessentiallyeggsandsausagebetweentwopancakesthathadbeeninfusedwithartificialmaplesyrupflavoring,anditwasthemostdeliciousthingI’devertastedinmylife.IfeltlikeIcouldconquertheworldaslongasIhadMcGriddlesandmyfamilybymyside.Andalsomysweetrecoverynurse,whohadintroducedmetothewondersoficepacksthatfitneatlyinsidemeshgrandmaunderwearthatthehospitalsuppliedinabundanceforonlyninety-eightdollarsapair,accordingtoourfinalbill.IbelieveIwasonwhatsomemaycallalabor-and-deliveryhigh.
ThenexttwodayswereabluroffriendsandfamilycomingbythehospitaltovisitandPerrywatchingaNASCARracewhileheheldhisnewdaughterbecause“trainupachildinherredneckways,andwhensheisoldshewillnotdepartfromthem.”WepassedCarolinearoundandIturnedherintomyownpersonalbabydoll,changingherclotheseverychanceIgot,becauseagirlneedstoappreciateagoodwardrobeasmuchassheneedstoappreciateDale
toappreciateagoodwardrobeasmuchassheneedstoappreciateDaleEarnhardtJr.winningTalladega.
Onourlastnightinthehospitalthingswerequiet.Allthevisitorshadleft,andItoldPerryheshouldgohomeandgetsomesleepinarealbed.ThenursebroughtCarolinetomeforonelastlate-nightfeeding.Itookineverysingleinchofherwhileshenursed,stillinabitofdisbeliefthatshewasreallymineandthattheywerereallygoingtoletmewalkoutofthehospitalwithherthenextday.
Aftershewaspassedoutinamilkstupor,IunwrappedhersoIcouldtakeinthoselittlefingersandtoes.ItookoffherhatsoIcouldseeherthickblackhair.AndIwept.Iweptbecauseshewassobeautiful.IweptbecauseshefeltlikeredemptionforsomanymistakesI’dmade.IweptbecausehowdoyouthankGodforsuchanindescribablegift?
Lord,letmebeworthyofthis.Lord,don’tletmescrewthisup.Perryarrivedatthehospitalbrightandearlythenextmorning.Wedidour
bestversionofwaitingpatientlyforallthenecessarydischargeformstogetfilledoutandlistenedtoalonglectureaboutcarseatsafety.Clearlytheydidn’tknowtheyweretalkingtothechiefoftheSafetyPolice.PerryhadalreadyputthoseplasticchildproofplugsineveryoutletofourhouseeventhoughIassuredhimitwouldbemonthsbeforeourlittlegirlwoulddomuchmorethanlookcute.
Eventuallytheybroughtourbabytous,andthepediatricnursehuggedusgood-byeasshesaid,“Y’allaresolucky.Sheisoneofthemostlaid-backbabiesIhaveeverseen.”InoddedmyheadinagreementasIchalkedupthattraittomyalreadystellarparenting.ObviouslyCaroline’slaid-backnaturewasatributetotheforty-eighthoursI’dspentperformingmymotheringskillswithexcellence.Thiswasgoingtobesoeasy.
Sowithalltheconfidenceoftwofoolswhodon’tknowanybetter,PerryandIloadedCarolineintothecar.And,yes,Irodeinthebackseatwithher,becausewhatifsomethinghappenedontheten-minutecarridehome?Twodaysin,andIwasalreadyoneofthosehelicopterparentsyoureadabout.
AsPerrychauffeuredushome,Irealizedthatlifehadalreadychangedsomuch.Wewereafamilyofthreenow.Three.Whichissignificantlymorethantwo.
Especiallywhenoneofyoudoesn’tknowhowtomicrowaveherowndinner.
Chapter8
ThatTimeIDidn’tSleepforFourYears
WhenIwaslittleIwasn’tthebestsleeper.Ican’trememberallthereasonswhy,butI’dliketogobackandtellthatlittlegirltogotobedandenjoyitwhileitlasts.IsupposeIwasafraidofthedark,Ineededadrinkofwater,Ihadtogotothebathroom.Iwouldpushthelimitsofbedtimeuntilmyparentswereforcedtostartfollowingthroughontheirthreats.Whichwasusuallymyindicatorthatitwastimetoshutitdownforthenight.
ButthenIturnedintoateenagerandlearnedtoappreciatethevalueofagoodnight’ssleep.ItbecameanartformasIlookedfornewandimprovedwaystomakemybedevenmorecomfortable,asevidencedbythefactIsleptontopofmybedinsideafleece-linedGarfieldsleepingbagformostofmyhighschoolyears.
ThenincollegeIdiscoveredthebeautyofschedulingallmyclassesforlateintheday,therebycreatingatwofoldbrandofawesome:sleepinglateandhavingplentyoftimetowatchDaysofOurLivesbeforeIhadtobebotheredwiththefoolishnessofgeologylab.BecausehowwasIsupposedtogetexcitedoverabunchofrockformationsifIdidn’tknowwhetherBoandHopeescapedfromtheremoteislandwheretheywerebeingheldhostagebyStefanoDiMera?
(Onatotallysimilarsubject,GulleydoesthebestimpersonationeverofTonyDiMera.Shecanstillcrackmeuptothisdaybywalkingintoaroomandsaying,“Hello,Father,”inadistinctlybadBritishaccent.)
(ThisisthekindofthingweworkedonduringcollegealongwithplanningtheperfectoutfitinsteadofactuallystudyingandprobablyexplainswhyIgraduatedonacademicprobation.)
MyloveforsleeptookahitafterImarriedPerry.Heisabelieverinthetheorythatsleepisjustsomethingyoudotohaveenoughenergyforthenextday.Thatbelief,combinedwithhisinsistenceonkeepingthesamehoursasGrandpaWalton,putaseriousdamperonmysleepschedule.I’dstayuplate,permynight-owltendencies,andthenhe’dwakemeupatthecrackofdawn,wantingtoengageinrealconversationswithactualwordsandeatamealthatpeopleapparentlycallbreakfast.IplayedalongforaboutthefirstsixmonthsbecauseIdidn’twanttoappearlazy.ButthenthenewnessworeoffandIcouldn’tfakeitanymore.WehadtohaveanhonestdiscussionabouthowI
couldn’tfakeitanymore.WehadtohaveanhonestdiscussionabouthowIreallynevercaredtoseethesunriseortalkbefore9:00a.m.Andthosethingsyoucalleggs?No,thankyou.
Thelowpointcameonedayaboutfouryearsintoourmarriagewhenwewerehavingtheexteriorofthehousepainted.Itwas—don’tjudgeme—probablyaboutteno’clockinthemorning,andthepainterneededanoutlettopluginasanderorsomething.I’mnottotallysurebecauseIdon’tpainthousesforaliving.Anyway,henoticedourbedroomwindowwascrackedopen,sohetookthelibertyofopeningitalittlebitwidertoaccessanelectricaloutlet.However,hecouldn’treachitbecausethebedwastooclosetothewall.SohebegantomoveourbedwhileIwasinittogetitoutoftheway.AndIwassoembarrassedaboutstillbeinginbedatteno’clockonaWednesdaymorningthatIjustburiedmyselfunderthecoversandhopedhewouldn’tnoticemelyingthereinmyslothfulstate.
Thisincidentdidn’tcausemetochangemyways.Itjustmademedouble-checkthatourwindowswereshutbeforewewenttobedatnight.AndIfeelIshouldclarifythatIwasgainfullyemployedduringthistime,butIhadthegreatfortuneofworkinginpharmaceuticalsales,soIjustifiedmyhourswiththerationalizationthatIwasdoingthedoctorsafavorbynotshowingupattheirofficesbeforeeleveno’clock.Thisgavethemtimetoseetheirpatients,anditgavemetimetoletthetwodeepsleepcreasesonmyforeheadgoaway.
(Ifanyofmyformermanagersarereadingthis,Iapologizeprofusely.Iwasyoungandstupid,andyouprobablyshouldn’thavehiredmeinthefirstplace.ButItrickedyoubyappearingtobeexcitedandmotivatedbysuccess.)
(Iwassmartenoughnottomentionininterviewsthatahugeperkofthejobformewasnothavingtobeanycertainplaceatanycertaintime.That’snotthekindofthingthatgetsyourfootinthedoor.)
Anyway,thepointisIlovesleep.Ilovesleeplikesomepeoplelovehamsandwiches.Icantasteit.IfIwakeupafteraparticularlygoodnight’ssleep,I’llspendthatentiredaylookingforwardtothemomentIcangetbackinbedanddoitalloveragain.ThereweresomanytimesduringmypregnancywhenIwouldremark,“It’sjustsohardtogetcomfortableatnight.I’llbegladwhenshe’sbornsoIcangetsomesleep.”Andallthemothersintheroomwouldlookatmewithblankexpressionsandnodtheirheads,butIknownowtheyweresilentlythinking,Getready,sister,becausethatbabyiscoming,andsleepisabouttoberelegatedtothecategoryof“thingsthatareinyourpast.”
ItwasaTuesdaymorningwhenwewalkedintoourhousewithCarolineforthefirsttime.Appropriatelyenough,GuytheelectricianandPaultheplumberwerestillthere,finishingupafewlastconstructiondetails,likeinstallingourrealkitchensink.SoIrecruitedGuytocomeintothefrontyardandtakeapictureofPerry,Caroline,andmeinfrontofthegiantstorkholdingpinkballoonsandannouncingCaroline’sarrival.
(IfeellikeIshouldclarifyitwasn’tarealstork.Althoughthatwouldhavebeenawesome.)
(ButIthinkyouhavetogotothezooorViennatofindarealstork.TheonlythingI’veeverhadfromViennaistheirlittlesausages.)
Forthefirstfewhoursofourarrivalhome,thehousewasabuzzwithplumbersplumbingandelectricianselectricingandtenlordsa-leaping.Friendsbroughtoverfoodandflowers,neighborsstoppedbytoseethenewbaby,andmymother-in-lawcontinuedtoorganizethekitchenthatwe’dleftindisarraythreedaysearlier.Meanwhile,Carolinewascontenttobepassedaroundfrompersontopersoninbetweensunbathinginherbassinettohelpwithhermildcaseofjaundice.
Theneveningcame,andeveryonewenthome.Thehousefelteerilyquiet.PerryandIdecidedtoeattheroastGulleyandhermomhadbroughtbyearlier,soweheateduptwoplates,rolledCarolineinherbassinetrightuptothetable,andsatdowntoeat.Perryblessedourfoodandgaveaprayerofthanksforourlittlefamilyofthree.Andthen,justaswebegantoeat,“YouAreSoGoodtoMe”begantoplayonthestereo.
Webothsatquietly,listeningtothemusicandeatingourroastuntilthesonggottothechorus:
Youarebeautifulmysweet,sweetsongYouarebeautifulmysweet,sweetsongYouarebeautifulmysweet,sweetsongIwillsingagain
Wetookaquickglanceateachotherandbegantocry.Bothofus.Notjustme.Rightthereinourdiningroom,wewereoverwhelmedbyloveandgrace.Overwhelmedbythissweet,sweetsongwholaysleepingquietlynexttous,allwrappedinpinkandsuckingonapacifierthatwasbiggerthanherface.Itwas
wrappedinpinkandsuckingonapacifierthatwasbiggerthanherface.ItwasasifGodhadjustwalkedovertothetableandsatdown.Itwasaholymoment.Aholymomentwithamixtureofalotofaweandmorethanalittlefearaboutwhatweweresupposedtodonext.
SincePerrylovesfewthingsmorethanagoodstrategy,hecameupwithaplanofattackforthenightshift.“GrandpaWalton”wouldgotobedearlywhileI’dkeepmyusualnight-owlhoursandgiveCarolineherlastlate-nightfeedingaround1:00a.m.Theproblemwithhavingababywhoweighedonlyfiveandahalfpoundswasthatthepediatricianinsistedsheneededtobefedeverythreehourswithoutfailforthefirstsixweeksofherlife.Whichtranslatestohavingtowakeasleepingbaby.Inthemiddleofthenight.
Wordtothewise:haveabigbaby.It’stotallythewaytogo.IknewIshouldhaveeatenmoredonuts.
Afterher1:00a.m.feeding,I’dgotosleepandsetthealarmfor4:00a.m.,atwhichtimePerrywouldcomeintogiveherabottlewhileIusedthedreadedbreastpumpandwentbacktosleepuntil7:00a.m.Therereallyisnothingthatwillputthesparkbackinyourmarriagelikehavingyourhusbandseethesleep-deprived,hormonalversionofyoubentoveramechanicalbreastpumpmachineatfourinthemorning.Possiblywhilecrying.
Intheorythissystemworkedfairlywell,butwe’dforgottenthewholeunpredictablenewborn-babycomponent.Weassumedshe’djusteatandgobacktosleep.Instead,shefeltnighttimewasthetimetopartyandgetoutallthegasshe’dheldinalldaylong.Somyprecious1:00a.m.to4:00a.m.sleepwindowtranslatedtoaforty-five-minutecatnapafterfactoringinthetimeIspentchangingherdiaperandpumpingherlittlelegslikeshewasridingabiketogetridofhergasandthenchangingherdiaperagainandthenswaddlingherandrockingherbacktosleep.Nottomentionallthetimesshe’dfallasleepwhileeating,whichmayhavecausedmetoactuallyutter,“IfIcan’tsleep,thenneithercanyou,sister.”Honestly,justtalkingaboutthewholethingrightnowiscausingmetohavepost-traumaticstresssymptoms.Isithotinhere?
Onenight,ataboutthetwo-weekmark,IwasrockingCarolineattwothirtyinthemorningandIjustbegantocrybecauseIwassohomesickforthehospital.Itwassolovelythere,whatwithallthenursesandstaffwhowouldtakemybabyforafewhourssoIcouldgetactualREMsleep.Iwantedtogobacktothatworldofpamperingandmeshunderwearandpainmedicationdoled
backtothatworldofpamperingandmeshunderwearandpainmedicationdoledoutonaregularbasis.
Andmaybeitwasacombinationofthesleepdeprivationandthehormones,butIwassosensitivetoeverylittlething.Gulleytoldmeshesurvivedlate-nightfeedingswithJacksonbywatchingmoviesontheDVDplayer,butIquicklydiscoveredIcouldn’thandlethestimulation.TheonlythingIcouldbeartowatchwasLittleWomen(theWinonaRyderversion—Ithinkit’sthebest)andVH1’sILovetheSeventies.TherewasatimeIwascertainCaroline’sfirstwordswouldbe“What’sgoin’down,Mr.Kotter?”
PartofournighttimestrategywasthatwhoeverwasonbabydutywouldsleepintheguestbedroomwithCarolineinherbassinetrightbesidethebed.Thiswouldallowtheoff-dutyparenttogetmaximumsleepbenefitsinthecomfortable,darkmasterbedroom.ThereweremanynightsIsatinthatguestbedholdingCarolineandconcoctingaplantorunawaytothenearestWestinforjustafewdays.WhytheWestin?BecauseIknewtheyhadthoseheavenlybeds.That’sallIwantedinlife.Aheavenlybedinaquiet,baby-freehotelroom.SurelyPerrywouldunderstandifIjustpackedmybagsandleftforafewdays?
ButthenCarolinewouldopenherlittlemouthwideinayawnordothatnewbornstretchthingwhereherentirebackarchedbackwardandherarmsliftedaboveherhead,andIwasbroughtbacktotheworldwhereIwassomeone’smother.Yes,Iwantedsleep,butI’dalreadystartedtodreadthedayshe’dstartkindergarten,becauseIknewitwouldbeherebeforeIknewit.AndIcouldn’teventalkaboutwhatIwasgoingtodowhenmymaternityleavewasoverandIhadtogobacktowork.SoI’drockCarolinetosleepwhileIprayedthatkindergartenwouldn’tarrivetooquicklyandthatshe’dhavefriendsandthatI’dgetsomesleepandthatwe’dwinthelotterysoIwouldn’thavetogobacktoschleppingarounddrugsamplestodoctor’soffices.
Icouldn’timaginemissingonemomentofthislittlegirl’slife.
Chapter9
WarBuddies
Thankstomyalmostsleeplessnights,Iwalkedaroundlikeazombieformostofthedays.Theonlythingthatsavedmewasmysister,Amy,andherloveforhernewniece.Amydidn’thavekidsofherownyet,soitwasacompletenoveltytohertocomeoverandrockCarolineforafewhourswhileIshoweredandputonthecleanestpairofpajamasIcouldfindfromthebottomofthelaundryhamper.Makeupandjewelrybecameadistantmemory.Iwasdressingforsurvivalandselectinggarmentsthatcouldtakemefromawaketonapinsixtyseconds.
IbegantodreadtheeveningsbecauseIwassotiredandallIwantedtodowascrawlinbedandsleepfor,oh,Idon’tknow,maybemorethantwohoursinarow.ButIknewitwasn’tgoingtohappen,andI’dstarttofallintoadeepdepressionrightafterdinnertimeasIthoughtaboutallthesleepIwasn’tgoingtogetthatnight.Itdidn’thelpthatCarolinehadsuddenlycomealiveonusandwasreadytofightforherrighttoparty.
Iwouldhangovertheedgeofherbassinet,pattingherbackandmakingdealswithGodaboutallthehumanitariandeedsIwoulddoifonlyhewouldmakehergotosleep.“Youcandoit,Lord.Iknowyoucandoit.Youcanmovemountains.”Idevelopedtheabilitytosleepwhileholdingmyhandovertheedgeofherbassinettokeepherpacifierinplacebecauseifthepacifierwentdown,thatshipwassunk.Theseweredesperatetimes.
ThentherewasthenightIemergedfromCaroline’snurserytofindPerrywatchingTearsoftheSun,themostviolent,horrificmovieevermade.Itpushedmeovertheedge.Ican’timaginewhyIdidn’tfindamovieabouttheslaughterofNigerianrefugeesupliftinginmytimeofsleepneed,butitlaunchedmeintoatiradeoftears.“Ican’tdothis,”Iwailed.“Iamjustsotired.AndIwanttorunawaytotheWestinontheRiverwalk.”
IthinkPerrywasalittlestunnedthatI’ddevelopedafairlyspecificescapeplan,andheagreedtotaketheentirenightshiftsoIcouldgetsomerealsleep.OratleastsoIcouldsleepuntilIhadtowakeupandusethedreadedbreastpumpsonothingexploded.Andasitturnedout,thatwasexactlywhatIneeded—justafewcontinuoushoursofsleepthatdidn’tinvolvekeepingsomeone’spacifierinhermouthorlisteningtoherletloosewithanexplosioninherdiaperwhileIdebatedonascaleofonetotenhowbadamotherhadtobetolether
whileIdebatedonascaleofonetotenhowbadamotherhadtobetoletherbabycontinuetosleepinherownpoop.
ThenextdayItalkedtomyfriendJamieonthephone.Jamiehastwoboyswhoareexactly364daysapart.(It’ssafetosaythatwasn’tplanned.)Shelistenedtomecryovermylossofsleepandthedeathofalifestylethatnowseemedsoeasyandcarefree.Andshespokesomewordsofwisdomthattotallychangedeverythingforme.“Iknowyoucan’tbelieveitrightnow,”shesaid,“butadaywillcomewhenyouwillputherinbedateighto’clockatnightandyouwon’thearapeepoutofherforalmosttwelvehours.”
Thatsimplestatementfilledmewithhopeforthefuture.Ofcourse,eightyearslaterI’mstillwaitingonthatday.ButIbelieveitwillcomeeventually.
Oh,Ikid.Kindof.Butsomewherearoundthetwelve-weekmark,itseemedtogeteasier.Or
maybeI’dfinallyacclimatedtosleepinginthree-orfour-hourstretches.AndsoIdecideditwastimetoestablishsomesortofrealschedule.
I’dheardallabouttheimportanceof“theschedule”throughoutmypregnancy.Friendshandedmeallmannerofbooksonthetopic.Allofwhichseemedtodisagreeonthebestwaytogetyourbabyonaschedulebutequallyemphasizedthatfailuretoimplementaschedulewaslikelytoproduceachildwhowouldgrowuptobecoveredintattoosandlivinginavandownbytheriver.
SomepeoplesaidIneededtolethercryitout,whileotherssaidthatwasasurewaytoguaranteeshe’dresentmelaterinlifeandhavelong-standingtrustissues.Somebookssaidshewassupposedtoeat,sleep,andplay—inthatorder,andthatorderonly.Butthisthrewmeintoafrenzybecause,Ohmygosh,shefellasleepwhileshewassupposedtobeplaying,andwhatdoIdonow?Thewholedayisruined.
UltimatelyIendeduptakingbitsandpiecesofadvicefromvariousbooksandfriendsalongwithapplyingadoseofcommonsenseandworkedtofigureoutwhatwasbestforus.TherewerenightsI’dattempttolethercryitout,andIlastedonlyfourminutesbeforeIcavedandranintoherroom.AndthentherewereothertimeswhenI’dactuallygothroughwiththewholecry-it-outthing,whichwereusuallythetimesI’dhavetoleavethehouseandputPerryinchargebecausemyheartcouldn’ttakeit.
Inspiteofmylackofexperience,theschedulehappened.Throughacombinationoftrialanderrorandteethinganddirtydiapersandwhy-is-she-still-awakemoments,wedevelopedaroutine.Carolinehadinheritedherfather’sGrandpaWaltontendenciesandwasusuallyinbedforthenightby6:00p.m.By
thetimeshewasfivemonthsold,she’dnormallywakeuponceduringthenightandthengobacktosleepuntilsixo’clockthenextmorning.AndIbecameapersonIdidn’trecognize.Apersonwhowasexcitedbytheprospectofsleepinginuntiltheluxurioushourof6:00a.m.Apersonwhosawsunriseseverymorningandheardtheearly-morningcannongooffatthenearbyarmybase.
ButthoseearlymorningsarethefabricofsomeofmysweetestmemoriesfromCaroline’sbabydays.We’dcurluponthecouchandwatchSesameStreettogetherbecausethatwasbefore“theexperts”determinedthattelevisionbeforeagetworuinsyourchild.(Clearlythoseexpertsneverhadasmalltoddlerandahusbandwholikestoeatdinnereverynight.Becauseotherwisethey’dcollectastashofBabyEinsteinDVDssofastitwouldmakeyourheadspin.)
Shewouldrelaxagainstmewithherarmsproppedbehindherheadlikeshewasafifty-year-oldmanrelaxingafteralongdayattheoffice,andwe’dlaughatElmoandI’dsinghersongsandmyheartwouldachebecauseIlovedhersomuch.Ilookbackatthosedaysandthinkthat’sexactlywhatpeoplemeanwhentheytellyouthedaysarelongbuttheyearsareshort.
ThosewerethedaysIwouldlookattheclockandcouldn’tbelieveitwasonlyeleveninthemorning.ThosewerethedaysI’dcountdowntheminutesuntilbedtime.Butthosewerealsothedaysthatseemedtobegoneintheblinkofaneye.
SometimesIregretthatIdidn’tenjoythemmoreinthemoment,butisn’tthatthewaymotherhoodgoes?Lookingback,thesweetestthingsareoftenthehardestthings.Theyteachyoualevelofsacrificeyoudidn’tknowyouwerecapableof,andforme,havingachildwasthebeginningofaglimpseintothekindofloveChristhasforus.Sacrificiallove.Lovethatdoesn’tkeepscore.Lovethatisn’tdependentonwhat’sinitforme.Lovethatisconsumingandprotectiveandunconditional.ThesearetheearlymomentsthatbondedmeforevertoCarolinebecausewewerelikewarbuddies.Therewasafeelingof,Heyyou,wesurvivedanotherday.
ThosearethedaysIwalkedaroundfeelingliketheend-of-the-movieversionoftheGrinch—myheartthatwasoncesmallgrewatleastthreesizes.AndIwouldn’thavemissedoneofthemforallthesleepintheworld.
Unlessitwasonreallyhigh-thread-countsheets.
Chapter10
BacktoWork,BacktoReality
Thebeautyofbeingemployedinthepharmaceuticalsalesindustrywasthatitcamewithasweetsix-monthmaternityleave.Granted,notallofitwaspaidleave,butIhadtheluxuryofplentyoftimetoadjusttolifewithanewbabybeforehavingtofigureouthowtoincorporateafull-timejobintotheequation.Honestly,Idon’tknowhowwomendoitwhentheyhavetogobacktoworkafterjustsixweeks,whentheirboobsarestillleakingandthey’vehadatotaloffourhoursofsleepsincethebabywasborn.
BeforeIhadCaroline,Ihadamastermotherhoodplaninthatcute,naivewayallwomenhaveofbelievingtheycanmapouttheirfutureswithoutfactoringinhormonesandblindinglove.We’dfoundanice,olderwomanwhowaswillingtocometoourhousefivedaysaweektolookafterCarolineandmaybeevencooktheoccasionalhomemadeenchiladadinnerwhilePerryandIworked.HernamewasStella,andIjustknewshewasgoingtobethebestthingtoeverhappentoourfamily.SheevencamebytomeetCarolinewhileIwasonmaternityleaveandtoldmethatthemagicalcureforababywithhiccupswastoputapieceofredstringonherforehead.HowcouldInotfeelcomfortableaboutsomeonewiththatlevelofbabyexpertisetakingcareofmychild?
Butasthedaysofmymaternityleavewounddown,IbegantoquestionwhetherIcouldhaveanotherwomaninmyhousewithmybaby.Ithadseemedlikesuchagoodideaintheory,buttherealitywasIwantedtobehomewithCarolineinsteadofdeliveringChinesefoodtoanangrydoctor’sofficestaff.Butthatwasn’treallyanoptionatthemoment.Weneededtheinsuranceandthefreecarmyjobprovided,andtherewasn’tanyotherchoice.
However,IbegantorealizethatwithPerryowninghisownlandscapingbusinessandmybeinginsales,wehadfairlyflexibleworkschedules.SoItearfullypresentedhimwiththesuggestionthatweletStellaknowshewasn’tneededandjustmakethewholeparentingthingworkbetweenthetwoofus.Heagreed.
IcalledStellatoletherknowweweren’tgoingtoneedherorherhomemadeenchiladasafterallandexplainedthatitwasn’ther;itwasmeandallmyconflictingemotionsaboutattemptingtobalanceamotherhoodIadoredandacareerthatIdidn’treallycareaboutbuthadtoendurebecauseoftheregular
careerthatIdidn’treallycareaboutbuthadtoendurebecauseoftheregularpaycheck.
ItwasearlyFebruarywhenIbeganmystintasaworkingmotherwithafull-timejob.ItwashardenoughjustbeingawayfromCarolineduringtheday,butthenIwasinformedI’dhavetoflytoChicagoforfourdaysofmeetings.Ifeltlikemyheartwasgoingtobreak.ThemorningIleft,mymother-in-lawcametowatchCarolinewhilePerrydrovemetotheairport,andIstoodinmykitchenandcriedmyeyesout.Iregrettedourdecisiontorenovateourhouseandspendallthatmoney.Whycouldn’twejustliveinashacksoIcouldstayhomeandbewithmybaby?WhydidIthinkweneededtohaveanelectricalsystemthatdidn’tshortouteverytimeweranthemicrowave?
Butthenmymother-in-law,awomannotinclinedtoshowmuchsympathyformelodramaandself-pity,lookedatmeasItriedtostuffmylaptopintomybagbetweensobsandsaid,“Youneedtogetoverit.”
Wow.Well,thatwascertainlyharsh.Iwantedtoyellback,“Whydon’tyougetoverit?”butthatdidn’treallyseemtohaveanyrelevanceinthisparticularsituation.SoIjustletPerrysteermeoutthebackdoorandintothewaitingcarbeforeIsaidsomethingIwouldmostlikelyregret.
Butasmadasthecommentmademe,Islowly,slowlybegantorealizeshemighthaveapoint.Thiswasmynewreality.I’dalwaysknownI’dhavetogobacktoworkatsomepoint,andIcouldeitherembraceitorresentit.AndsoIembracedit.Mostly.IspentthosefourdaysinChicagomissingCarolineterriblybutatleasthalfwayadmittingtomyselfthatI’dforgottenwhataluxuryitwastogetinbedatteno’clockatnightandsleepnonstopuntilseveno’clockthenextmorning.Ihadn’tbeenthatrestedinsixmonths.
AndsobegantwoyearsofshufflingmeetingsandcoordinatingschedulesandnotperformingmyjobnearlyaswellasIshouldhave.Myheartwasalwaysathome,andInolongercaredatallaboutdoctorsandprescriptiondrugs.
(AsopposedtothedayswhenIcaredsomuchthatIwasstillinbedat10:00a.m.whenthepaintersarrived.)
Tosaythosewerealong,hardtwoyearsislikesayingImightbeinterestedinachocolatedonutwhenI’msufferingfromPMS.Itwasaconstantjugglingact.PerryandIwouldsittogetherwithourcalendarseverySundaynightandplayschedulerouletteaswebargainedandhaggledoverwhosemeetingsweremoreimportantandwhetherornottheSmiths’newdrivewayreallyneededtobepouredonTuesdaybecauseIwassupposedtodeliverbreakfasttoDr.Garciaandhisentirestaffthatmorning.
Itdidn’thelpthatCarolinehaddecidedatsomepointaroundtheone-yearmarkthatsleepingthroughthenightwasoverrated.Whysleepwhenyoucanstandinyourcribandseehowfaryoucanthrowyourpacifier?Iwouldrunthat
standinyourcribandseehowfaryoucanthrowyourpacifier?Iwouldrunthatchildlikeshewastrainingforamarathonduringthedayinanattempttogethertosleepallnight,butshewouldstillcallmeintoherroomat3a.m.,andhowwasIsupposedtoresistalittlemonkeyinfootypajamassaying,“Rockyou,Mama,”whichwasherwayofaskingtositintherockingchairwithmeforjustalittlewhile.
Anotherofherfavoritemiddle-of-the-nightactivitieswasagameIlikedtocall“YouFindIt,Mama,”whereshewouldcallmeinwithacryofdistresstoaskmetofindherpinkbunnyorSqueakE.Mouseoranyotherstuffedanimalthatwasguaranteedtobelocatedattheverybottomofthetoybox.
No,pleasedon’tworrythatyourmotherhasn’texperiencedaREMcycleinsixmonths—let’smakesurewefindBlueShaggyDogatfourinthemorning.
TherewasapointduringthistimethatIwenttothedentisthopingIhadacavityjustsoIcouldhaveanhourorsotosleepinthechairwhileitwasfilled.
EventuallyIbegantorealizewecouldn’tgoonthisway.Perry’slandscapebusinesswasgrowing,andIcouldn’tkeepdoingmyjobhalfwayandcompletelysleepdeprived.That’swhenIbegantoexplorethewonderknownaspreschool.Carolinewasalmosttwo,andIfeltlikethefallwouldbeagreattimetoputherinschoolforacoupleofdayseachweek.
Ivisitedafewlocalchurchschools,includingtheonePerryhadattendedasalittleboy—theoneeverybodyclaimedwasthebest—whichiswhereIultimatelyenrolledher.TheheadmistresshadbeenaroundsinceGodwasachild,andIwasconvincedthatherseriousapproachtoachild’seducationandoveralldevelopmentwouldbethebestthingforCaroline.Whentheheadmistressdescribedtheschool’sdistinctionstome,sheinformedmehowimportantitwasforeachchildtobringanutritious,well-balancedlunchtoschooleachdayandcommentedthatonelittleboyevenbroughtbrusselssprouts.IwenthomeandannouncedallmyfindingstoPerry,includingthebitaboutthekidwhobroughtbrusselssprouts.Hesaid,“Oh,yeah,thatwasJasonMiller,backwhenIwasthere.He’salwaysbeenatotalfreak.”
Ofcourse,Iunderestimatedafewthingsinmyschooldecision,suchasCaroline’sloveforpeanutbutterandjellywithasideofCheetosandmyfundamentalbeliefthataseriousapproachisaboringapproachthatcansuckthe
lifeoutofaperson.Becauseit’sallwellandfinethatyourschoolisaccreditedbytheblah-blahboardofblah-blah,butpreschoolisreallymoreaboutlearningbasicsocialskillsthantheKeynesiantheoryofeconomics.Let’snottakepeoplewhostillpoopintheirpantstooseriously.
SometimeinlateAugustIpackedCaroline’snewNemolunchboxwithwhatIhopedpassedasafairlynutritiouslunch,thoughtherewasnaryabrusselssprouttobefound,andwalkedhertohernewlittleclassroom.Atthetimesheseemedsobigtome,butnowIlookbackatpicturesandwonderwhyonearthIwasdroppinganinfantoffatpreschool.Shewasstilljustmychubby-cheekedbaby,withherbouncyponytailandherKedswithVelcrostraps.
Icounteddowntheminutesuntilitwastimetopickherupat2:45,anxioustoseehowherfirstdayhadgone.IwasastoundedwhenIwalkedintoherclassroomtodiscoverthatshewasasleeponhernapmat.Theteacherexplainedshehadtakenforevertofallasleepandhadspentmuchofthattimedistractingtheotherkidsbeforeshefinallypassedoutfromexhaustion.
Iscoopedherup,herhairmattedtothesideofhersweatylittleface,andcarriedherouttothecar.AsIaskedheraboutherday,shetoldmeshe’dhadfunbutshedidn’tlikenaptime.Whichshouldhavecomeasnosurprise,consideringshewasn’tafanofnaps,orsleepingingeneral,athomeinherownbed,sowhydidIthinkshewasgoingtorelaxonaninch-thickmatwithhershoesstilloninaclassroomfullofkids?
Ispenttherestoftheeveningworryingaboutthenap-timedynamicatpreschool,andmyfearswereconfirmedthenextmorningwhenIdroppedCarolineoffatschool.HerteachermetmeatthedoorwiththeannouncementthatIneededtopickCarolineuppriortonaptimebecausehavinghertherewastoodisruptivefortheotherkids.
Seriously,lady?Yougaveusoneshotatnaptime,andwe’reout?IfoundithardtobelieveCarolinewastheonlychildwhostruggledwiththenap.ButIagreedtopickherupbeforenaptime,andthat’swhatIdidforthenextthreeweeksuntilCarolinedecidedshedidn’twanttoleaveschoolearlyanymore.Iexplainedthatmeantshe’dhavetoliedownandsleepatschool,thatshecouldn’tkeeptheotherkidsawake.Sheagreed,andfromthatpointonshemadeitthroughnaptimewithonlyafewissueshereandthere.Itwashardformetobeafanofherteacherafterthewholenappingdebacle,butCarolinelovedherandevennamedthebabydollSantabroughtthatChristmasMrs.Laurie.AndhowcouldIarguewiththat?
Imean,doesn’titsayintheBiblethatnogreaterlovehathatoddlerthannamingababythatwetsitsdiaperafterherpreschoolteacher?
Chapter11
PottyTraining:BringingPeopletoTheirKneesSinceForever
Preschoolbecameanormalpartofourlives.Carolinelovedgettingtoseeallherfriendsseveraltimesaweektomakecraftsandeatpasteandfightovertricycles,andIwasabletobetterbalancehavingacareerandbeingamother.Weadjusted.IacceptedthatbeingaworkingmotherwaswhatGodhadforme,andIwasokaywithit.Butinmyheartmyprayerremainedthesame:Iwantedtobehome.IwantedtohavetimetobakecookiesandhavelazymorningswatchingBertandErniewithasnugglygirlinpajamaswhowasn’tgoingtobelittleforever.
Whichbringsmetoanimportantmilestoneinanymotherhoodcareer.Pottytraining.Iknow.Somewhere,someonejustgroanedastheyreadthosewords.That’sbecause
pottytrainingachildistheequivalentofteachingacattotap-dance,andthereareCEOsoflargecorporationswhohaveneverfeltthatlevelofaccomplishment.WhenSteveJobs,founderofApple,passedawayin2011,therewasmuchtalkabouthowhechangedtheworld.And,yes,it’sincrediblycleverthatIcanaskadevicesmallerthanmyhandwheretheclosestStarbucksisorwhattheweatherwillbelikethenextday,butthereisnoappthatwillconvinceyourchildtoenjoythebenefitsofindoorplumbingasopposedtosittingaroundinherownexcrement.
Forthefirstyearofababy’slifethediapersaren’tsobad.Imean,yes,thereistheoccasionalblowoutthatrequiresagasmaskandateamofpeopletogetitcleanedup,butthat’spartoftheparentingdeal.Butitallgetsalittlemorecomplexwhenyourpreciousbabycanwalkuptoyouandannounce,“Mama,Ipoo-pooinmydiaper.”Becauseifyoucanclaimit,thenyoushouldhavethewherewithaltodosomethingaboutit.Nottomentiontheimplicationsofadirtydiaperthatbelongstosomeoneonasteadydietofchickenfingers,hotdogs,andmacaroniandcheese.
(NotthatCarolineeverateasteadydietofanyofthosethings.Wewerepurelyorganicatourhouse.)
(Ifyouconsiderorganictomeananythingthatcomesintheshapeofadinosaur.)
dinosaur.)(Inmydefense,it’shardtothinkaboutcookingahealthy,well-balanced
mealforachildwhohasbeenknowntoliveonasinglecheesecubefordaysatatime.)
Truthbetold,Ihadn’tgivenmuchthoughttopottytraining.Itwasavaguedestinationinmymind,someplacewemightventureatsomepointwhenIfeltbraveorhadaprescriptionforXanax.PerhapswemighttoyaroundwiththeideathesummerbeforeCarolineturnedthree.Maybewe’dgetoneofthoseplasticstarterpottiesandlethergetusedtotheideaofsittingonit;maybewe’dgethersomemagazinestoread,sincethatseemstobewhatworksforherfather.
Butthentheveryseriouspreschoolwherekidseatbrusselssproutsthrewmeforaloop.
OnedayinMayIopenedupCaroline’slittleNemobackpacktofindanoteannouncingthatallchildrenmustbecompletelypottytrainedbytheageofthreeortheywouldnotbepromotedtothethree-year-oldclass.Therewouldbenoexceptions.
Youcanrestintheknowledgethewholethingsentmeintoatailspin.AllofasuddenIhadonlythreemonthstogetusallaboardthepottytrain.
AndIhadachildwhoshowedabsolutelynointerestintakingthissteptowardindependenceandproperhygiene.Butnowheracademicfuturedependedonit.Shewasgoingtogetheldbackifshecouldn’tgetridofthediapers.Mybabygirlwasgoingtofailthetwo-year-oldclass.Herfutureasvaledictorianofpreschoolwasatstakeeventhoughshe’drecentlylearnedallhershapesandhowtocounttoten.Unlessyoucountthetimessheskippedoversixandseven.
IheadedtoTargetthatverydaytoacquireaplasticpottyandacopyofeverystorybookIcouldfindaboutpeoplewhousepotties.Look!Ernieusesthepotty!Princessesusepotties!Everyoneusesthepotty!Pottiesarethenewblack.
ThatnightImadeabigdealofintroducingCarolinetothenewpottyI’dplacedinherbathroomrightnexttotheadultversion.Iexplaineditwasherveryownspecialpottyandthatshewastheonlyonewhogottouseit.Whenevershefeltlikesheneededtogotee-tee,shecouldletmeknowandwe’draceinthereanduseherveryspecialpotty.
Shelookedmedeadintheeyeandsaid,“Nothankyou,Mama.”Andthenshepickedupherveryspecialpotty,carrieditintothelivingroom,andproceededtouseitasherpersonalloungechairforthenexttwoweeks.Ikepthopingshewouldeventuallygrowtoappreciateitsfunction,notjusttheobviouscomfortoftheplasticbackrest,butIhopedinvain.IbecameconvincedCarolinewasdeterminedtobethefirstchildwhowouldgoofftocollegewearingaHuggiesPull-Up.
AfewweekslaterIwastalkingtomyfriendDeidreatworkandperhapssingingachorusof“SwingLow,SweetChariot”asIlamentedourpotty-trainingtroubles.Deidrehadtwodaughtersinelementaryschoolwhoappearedtobetotallypottytrained,plusIknewIcouldcountonhertobehonest.Afterall,she’dtoldmeafewdaysearlierthatmynewaviator-stylesunglasseslookedterriblewithmyfaceshape.Ididn’tfeellikeshe’dbeafraidtobeupfrontaboutmylackofpotty-trainingexpertise.
Deidresaidtheproblemwasweneededtogocoldturkey.Nomorediapers,nomorePull-Ups,nomorecouchthatdoesn’tsmelllikeurine.ShesaidthetrickwastoputCarolineinbig-girlunderwearandthensetatimerforeverythirtyminutesandtakehertothebathroom.Because,sure,itwasn’tlikeIhadanythingtodootherthancleanstainsoffmyrugsandcryeverythirtyminutes.
ButIfigureditcouldn’thurttotryitsincemymethodofprayingandbeggingGodformercydidn’tappeartobeworkingout.IdrovebacktoTargettoacquiresomeprettyMyLittlePonyunderwear,becauseattractive,child-appealingunderwearwasanimportantpartoftheequation,accordingtoDeidre.ThenextmorningIshowedCarolinehernewunderwearandtoldherthattheprettyponywiththepinkmanewoulddieifitgotanytee-teeonit.
Ididn’treallysaythat.But,oh,Ithoughtaboutit.Imadeahugedealoftheresponsibilitythatcomeswithbeautifulunderwear
andtoldherwe’dworktogethertomakesuresherememberedtousethepotty.Andwemadeitthroughthefirstdaywithonlyoneminoraccident.Thenwemadeitthroughtheseconddaywithnoaccidents.Andthen,onthethirdday,sheactuallybegantotellmewhensheneededtogotothebathroomwithoutwaitingforthetimer.AndthenIthrewawaymynewaviator-stylesunglassesbecauseclearlyDeidrewasageniusandknewwhatshewastalkingabout.
PraiseJesus!Mybabywasgoingtopassthetwo-year-oldclass.Shewasgoingtomakeitafterall,justlikeMaryTylerMoore.Somedaywe’dbeabletopackherbagsforcollegeandnothavetoexplaintohernewroommatewhyshehadacaseofHuggiesinthebackofherdormroomcloset.
Butmycelebrationwasshort-livedwhenIrealizedtherewasstillanissue.WhileCarolinehadmasteredtheartoftee-teeingonthepotty,shehadyettopooponthepotty.Infact,sheoutrightrefusedtodoso.IttookmeawhiletofigureitoutbecauseIamveryslow,butitbegantodawnonmethatshehad
trainedherselftowaittopoopuntilIputonhernighttimePull-Uprightbeforeshewenttobed.I’dgetheroutofthebathandputonherlavender-scentedlotion,herPull-Up,andhersweetlittlefootypajamaswiththepinkmonkeysalloverthem.Thenwe’dcuddleupintherockingchairinherroomandreadbedtimestories.Shortlythereaftershewouldexcuseherselfto“gotellDaddynight-night”andcomebacktomefiveminuteslatersmellinglikeasewageplant.
Afteraboutthreenightsofthis,IfollowedherintothelivingroomasshewenttotellPerrygoodnightanddiscoveredthatshemadeaquickpitstopbehindthearmoirethathousesourTVtodoherbusiness.Allred-facedandsquattingbehindthearmoire.LikesheneededherprivacytopoopinthePull-Uphermotherwasgoingtohavetochangethreeminuteslater.
Idesperatelytriedtooutsmartherbychangingupournighttimeroutine.I’dwaittoputonhernighttimePull-Upuntilthelastpossiblemoment,afterI’dgivenhermorethanseveralopportunitiestogodoherbusinessonthetoilet.But,ohno,nothingbeatthecomfortofthePull-Up.Youknowhowyouhearaboutthoseprimitivetribesinthejunglesomewherewhowon’tletyoutaketheirpicturebecausethey’reafraiditmightstealtheirsoul?That’showCarolinewasaboutherpoop.Asiflettingthatpartofhergodownthepipeswastheequivalentofsayinggood-byetoherverysoul.
Meanwhiletheclockwastickingonourback-to-schooldateandwhetherI’dbeabletotruthfullytelltheseriouspreschoolthatCarolinewascompletelypottytrained.Ireasonedthatshewascompletelypottytrainedbetweenthehoursof8:45a.m.and2:00p.m.,andthat’sreallyalltheyneededtoknow.Whathappenedintheprivacyofourhomeandmychild’sHuggieswasourpersonalbusiness.
SoIsignedherupforthethree-year-oldclassandinitialedonthedottedlinethatshewas,infact,completelypottytrained.Thankfullytherewasnoofficialexamoranything.ButIdidreceiveanoteafewdayslaterinformingmeCaroline’snewteacherwouldbemakingahomevisitpriortothebeginningoftheschoolyear.NaturallyIrequestedthathervisitbesometimeinthemorninghours.
SoMrs.Greencametovisit.Myfirstindicationthatthingsweren’tgoingtogowellwaswhenCarolinedecidedtohideunderthediningroomtable.Evenatthreeyearsold,Carolineneverpassedupanopportunityforsocialinteraction.Itwasn’tlikehertonotwanttoentertainourguestwithallmannerofmusicalinstrumentsandconversation.
Mrs.Greenappearedtobeverywarmandpersonable,soIdecidedtotakethisopportunitytoquestionheraboutthedynamicsofbathroompoliticsattheschool.“Howdoesthatwork?Doyouhelpthematall?Likeiftheyneedhelp
school.“Howdoesthatwork?Doyouhelpthematall?Likeiftheyneedhelppullinguptheirpantsorbuttoningabutton?”
“No,”sherepliedwithasmile.“Wereallyencouragecompletelyindependenttoiletabilities.Allchildrenshouldbeabletowipetheirownbottomsandbuttontheirownpants.”Goodnight,amIraisingarocketscientist?Whatthree-year-oldcanwipeherownbottomandbuttonherownpantseverytime?Iknowsomegrown-upswhoarestillworkingonthoseskills.
Mrs.Greenwentontoexplainthattherewasn’tabathroomineachindividualclassroombutratheronebathroomlocatedinthecourtyardareaoftheschool.Shesaidtheteachersusuallysentagroupofkidstothebathroomatthesametime,andthatwaytheycouldhelpeachotherifneeded.
Well,sure.Thatsoundslikeabrilliantplan.Abunchofthree-year-oldswhoseparentshavemostlikelyembellishedtheirpotty-trainingabilitiesforfearthattheywon’tmaketheIvyLeagueallgoingtotherestroomtogether.Whynotjustsendinagroupofmonkeysandcallitaday?Thewholepremiseseemedfraughtwithpotentialdisaster.
WhileIwasprivatelyponderingtheseriouspreschool’sbathroometiquette,Carolinecontinuedtohideunderthediningroomtable.ShehadnointerestinMrs.Greenorthestuffedanimalshe’dbroughtinanattempttobreaktheice.Afterawhilewegaveup,andIwalkedMrs.Greentothedoorandthankedherforhertime.AndshortlythereafterdiscoveredthatCarolinehadtakenthatopportunitytopoopinherpants.
That’swhenIgotonthephoneandbegantocallaroundtootherpreschoolstobeg,borrow,orstealanypotentialopeningsforathree-year-oldgirlwhocouldkindof/possibly/noteverytimegotothebathroombyherselfbutwhowasingeneralreallycuteandterriblycharming.
Whichishowweendedupatanewpreschoolthatdidn’ttakeitselftooseriously.Apreschoolthatrealizedkidsenjoypeanutbutterandjellyalotmorethanbrusselssproutsandoccasionallyneedalittlehelpwipingtheirbottomsorbuttoningtheirpantsandthatnoneofthesethingsarereallyindicatorsofwho’sgoingtoqualifyforMensamembershipinthefuture.
Chapter12
WeDon’tThrowSand
TheotherdayIwasonthephonewithacustomerservicerepresentativefromAT&T,whichmeansIamplayingfastandloosewiththetermcustomerservicerightnow,butthat’snotthepoint.Anyway,Iheardmyselfsay,“Yes,ma’am,thankyouforschedulinganappointmentformetogetmyInternetfixedintwoweekswithasix-hourwindowofuncertainty.Ireallyappreciateit.”Wheneverythinginmewantedtoscream,“Areyoukiddingme?Twoweeks?Andyoucan’tnarrowdownatimeframetolessthansixhours?Youaredeadtome.JustlikemyInternet.”
ButIdidn’tsaythat,becausemyparentstaughtmeappropriatesocialskillsandI’vemostlylearnedtosuppresswhatI’dreallyliketosayinfavorofsomethingthat’smorepolite.It’soneofthosethingsyoutakeforgranted.Untilyouhaveachildofyourown,youforgetthatallofuscomeintothisworldwithacompletelyselfishnaturethatmakesusinclinedtoscream,“No!It’smine!”atanygivenopportunity.
Allthattosay,PerryandIhadreallygivennothoughttohowwewouldattempttoteachCarolineappropriatesocialskills.Andit’sreallyoneofthosethingsweshouldhavethoughtabout,consideringourdaughtercomesfromtwoparentswhohavebeenknowntospeakfirstandthinklater.
InfifthgradeIoncegotdetentionbecauseIdidn’tthinkmyPEcoachhadkeptscorecorrectlyduringagameofkickballandImadethemistakeofloudlydeclaring,“Threeplustwoequalsfive,andifhedoesn’tknowthat,thenmaybeheshouldgobacktofifthgrade.”Shortlythereafter,Ifoundmyselfsittingintheofficeofourprincipal,Mrs.Archer.Whichisawholedifferentstorybecauseshehadtheselong,talon-likefingernailsthatstillmakemefeelalittlebitafraidwhenIthinkofthem.
Mrs.Archercalledmyparentstotellthemaboutmysmartmouth,andIendedupgroundedforthenextweek.ButIlearnedanimportantlesson.Watchwhatyousaytoamanwhoprobablyhaddreamsofcoachingcollegefootballandinsteadendedupwearingpolyestercoachingshortsthataretootightandrefereeingabunchoften-year-oldsastheyplaykickball.
IwishIhadsomegreatwisdomtoimpartabouthowtoteachyourchildappropriatesocialskills,butthejuryisstilloutonthis.Atleasttwenty-eight
appropriatesocialskills,butthejuryisstilloutonthis.Atleasttwenty-eighttimesadayItellCaroline,“Tellherthankyou,”or“Makesureyousay,‘Yes,ma’am,’”or“YouneedtoapologizeforleavingthatpopsicletomeltontopofDaddy’stoolbox.”ButtherearestillplentyoftimesIhearhertellafriend,“NO!Idon’twanttoplaythatgame!”or“You’renotinvitedtomybirthdayparty!”
Andweallknowthereisnogreaterinsultintheworldofelementaryschoolthanthethreatofrescindingabirthdaypartyinvitation.Evenifthepartyisn’tforeightmoremonths.
WhenCarolinewasaboutayearold,webegantoworkonteachinghertosay“please”and“thankyou.”Andshegotprettygoodatit.Wepattedourselvesonthebackandfeltlikeweweredoingaprettygoodjob.Checkoutouradorablelittlefifteen-month-oldwithherimpeccablemanners.Shesays“please”everytimeshewantsanotherpieceofbanana.WebelievedwemightberaisingthenextEmilyPost.
Andthencameourfirstsummerattheneighborhoodpool,whenthedodgypoliticsofthebabypoolcameintoplay.IfyouthinkI’mkidding,it’sbecauseyou’veneverspentmuchtimearoundababypool.Allthemotherswalkinloadeddownwithcrabfloatsandprincessteasetsandpushingtheirprecioustoddlersinstrollers.ToddlerswhojusthappentobedressedlikeseniorcitizensonabeachinMiami,completewithenormoussunhats.
It’sallfuntimesuntilyouactuallytakeyourbabyoutofthestrollerandsheentersthetreacherouswatersofthebabypool,wherethekidsthinkeveryoneelsehasthebesttoys...untiltheyseesomeoneelseplayingwiththeircrabfloatandunceremoniouslyyankitoutfromunderthepoor,unsuspectingchildwhowasrelaxingonit(probablywhilepeeinginthepool,becauselet’snotkidourselvesaboutthat).Allthewhilethey’reyelling,“No!It’smine!Mine!MINE!”
Inthemeantimethemothersareallshockedandhorrifiedbythisbehaviorbecausewhywouldourchildrenbehavethisway?Nevermindthateverysingleoneofusmightgetintofisticuffswithsomeonewhodaredtogointoourclosetandwearournewbootssincethey’re“mine!Mine!MINE!”Weareperplexedbecauseit’sjustacrabfloat,notthepairofnewFryebootswe’vebeencovetingforthelastthreeyears.
Butwewadeintothebabypooltohelpourchildrennavigatethisnewsocial
Butwewadeintothebabypooltohelpourchildrennavigatethisnewsocialterrainbecausethat’sourjob,andwesmileatourfellowmothersaswedoourbesttobepoliteevenwhilewe’rethinkingthatmaybeHarrison’smothershoulddraginherowncrabfloatnexttimeifHarrisonsoobviouslyfeelshislifeisn’tcompletewithoutit.WhyshouldourchildbepunishedbecauseHarrison’smotherwantedtostrollintothepoolunencumberedbyalarge,inflatablememberofthecrustaceanfamily?
Gulleytextedmefromthebaseballfieldstheotherdaybecausesherecognizedamotherinthestandswhomshe’dhadaslightaltercationwithatthebabypoolyearsago.Nowtheirboysareonthesamebaseballteam,whichisjustanotherexamplethatGodhasasenseofhumor.Gulleysaid,“DoyouthinksheremembersItoldhermaybeshecouldgobuyherownalligatorfloatfor$5.99atTarget?”
Becausethat’sthewholeproblem.Whilewe’retryingtoteachourchildrenappropriatesocialskills,wesometimesloseourown.Allourprotectivemama-bearinstinctscomeout,andwe’requicktoseethespeckinanotherchild’seyewhileperhapsignoringtheplankcomingoutofourown.
Carolinehadabigissuewiththrowingsandwhenshewasatoddler.Iftherewasasandboxwithinatwo-mileradius,itwasaguaranteeshewouldfindit,diginitforafewminutes,andthenthrowsanddirectlyatthenearestunsuspectingvictim.
AroundthistimeGulleyandherfamilymovedtoahouseaboutamileawayfromus,whichwasadreamcometruefortwocollegeroommateswhohadalwaysdreamedwe’dbeabletolivenearbyandraiseourkidstogether.Andwerelishedthisnewproximitytoeachotherwithalmostdailyplaydates.Ourthoughtwasthatmydaughter,Caroline,andGulley’sboys,JacksonandWill,weregoingtogrowuptobebestfriends,whethertheywantedtobeornot.
TheonlyproblemwasthateverytimewewenttoplayatGulley’shouse,thekidsalwaysmadetheirwayouttothehugesandboxinherbackyard.InevitablyJacksonorWillwouldrunupcryingtoreport,“Carolinethrewsandatme!Shethrewsand!”
Iwouldmarchouttothesandboxandask,“Caroline,didyouthrowsandattheboys?”Shewouldlookmerightintheeyeandannounce,“Yes,Ithrowsand.”I’dyankheroutofthesandboxwhiledeclaring,“Wedon’tthrowsand.Doyouunderstand?Wedon’tthrowsandatourfriends.Itcouldgetintheireyes
Doyouunderstand?Wedon’tthrowsandatourfriends.Itcouldgetintheireyesandhurtthem.Theycouldendupblind.”(Ibelievesituationsthatcouldpotentiallycauseblindnessareanimportanttoolinthemotherhoodarsenal.Threateningblindnessoratriptotheemergencyroomusuallyproducesresults.)
ThesandproblemswithCarolinebecameanalmostweeklyoccurrenceuntilIfinallyplacedatemporarybanonthesandboxuntilthetimearrivedthatshecouldresisthertemptationtothrowsand.
Aboutamonthaftertheprevioussandboxincident,Iwasoutoftownonabusinesstrip.GulleyhadpickedupCarolinefrompreschoolandwaskeepingherattheirhouseuntilPerrycouldgetherafterwork.HearrivedalittlewhilelaterandsatoutinthebackwithGulleywhilethekidsplayedinthesandbox.Sureenough,ourlittlesandthrowercouldn’thelpherself,andtheboyscamerunninguptoGulley,announcing,“Carolinethrewsand!Shethrewsandatme!”
PerrylookedrightatGulleyandsaid,“Oh,I’msureshedidn’tmeanit.Idon’tthinksheknowsshe’snotsupposedtothrowsand.”
Hi.Areyounewhere?InPerry’sdefense,hehadn’tbeenapartoftheweeklysanddramaand
didn’treallyknowtheseverityofthesituation,butIthinkitshowsourinclinationasparentstoalwayswanttoseethebestinourchildren.Weliketobelievetheyarebetterversionsofus,butthetruthis,theyareus.Theyarefullofourselfishnessandimpulsivenessandpettiness.Theywantthingstogotheirwayjustlikewedo,andtheyscreamandyellandthrowthingswhenitdoesn’tworkout.Theonlydifferencebetweenthemandusiswhatmygrandmawouldrefertoas“hometraining.”
Godgivesustheseraw,littlepeople,andwehavetoformthemandmoldthemandteachthemhowtooperateinsociety.Andifwegetaglimpseofalltheuglinessthatliesrightbeneathourownpolishedsurface?Well,then,there’sahumblinglessontoo.It’sthosemomentswhenIrealizeIhavetoextendgracetoCarolineasshefiguresthesethingsoutbytrialanderrorinthesamewayGodlavishesmewithmercy,evenasImakethesamemistakesoverandoveragain.
Chapter13
LettingItAllHangOut
WhenPerryandImovedintoourhouseinthespringof1998,wediscoveredthatourneighborTilliehadlivedinherhousesincethe1950s.ActuallyhernamewasAdeline,butaccordingtothestoryshetoldus,backinthe1940s,whenherhusbandwasinthewar,shedroveherselfaroundtowninspiteofthefactthatshedidn’tknowhowtodrive.HerdrivingskillsledthepriestsatherparishtonicknameherRootin’Tootin’Tillie.The“rootin’tootin’”partwentaway,butTilliestuck.
WefirstmetTilliewhenshehobbledovertobringatinofassortedchocolatecandiestowelcomeustotheneighborhood.Sheknewagoodthingwhenshesawit,anditwasn’tlongbeforeshewascallingPerrytocomechangelightbulbs,hangherUSflag,anddootherassortedjobs.SheneveractuallycalledhimPerry;shecalledhimTerry,whichmadeitallthefunnierwhenshe’dcallustorequestthatTerryfixherclotheslineorundertakewhateverthechoreofthedayhappenedtobe.
Tillie’shusbanddiedwhentheywereseventy,andshe’dbeenawidowfortwenty-sixyears.Althoughsheneverhadchildrenofherown,shehadanieceandanephewwhocameovertotakecareofher.Theyweren’tnecessarilyalotofhelp,seeingashowtheywereeighty.EverySundaytheywouldpulluptotakehertochurchintheirCaddywiththeKleenexboxinthebackwindow,anditwasalmostpainfultowatchthemallgetinthecar.Youcouldneverquitetellwhowashelpingwhom,andafterhereighty-year-oldnephewbeganwearinganeckbrace,he’djustpulloutfromthecurbwithouteverlookingtoseeifacarwascoming.PerryandIwouldjustholdourbreathwatchingthewholesceneunfold.
Prettysoonafterwemovedin,Tilliebegancallingmetotakehertorunerrands.We’dheadouttotheHallmarkstoresoshecouldstockuponcardsforallhergreat-niecesandgreat-nephews.Ican’ttelly’allhowmanyhoursIspentstandinginHallmarkwhileTillieopenedeverysinglecardandLOUDLYreadthemtome.ThisalwaysledtomyprayersforserenityasTillieread,“Toadearniece,youarelovedmorethanyouknow.”
Thenshe’dsay,“Oh,Idon’tknowifthatsoundsright.I’mnotsureshe’slovedmorethansheknows.Sheknowsshe’sloved.Herparentshavespoiled
lovedmorethansheknows.Sheknowsshe’sloved.Herparentshavespoiledheruntilshe’stotallyrotten.”
AndI’dstandthere,tryingtobepatient,thinkingthatTilliewasnevergoingtofindacardthatread,“Toadearniecewhoknowshowmuchshe’slovedbecauseherparentsspoilherrottenandboughtheraBMWforherbirthdayandit’stotalfoolishnessanditsymbolizeseverythingthat’swrongwithkidstoday.”BecauseHallmarkreallyfailstoreachthatparticulardemographic.
OnthewayhomefromHallmark,we’dusuallystopattheHEB,whichisourlocalgrocerystore.TilliehadnevergottenoverthefactthattheHEBusedtobeaHandyAndyandwouldalwaystellme,“Honey,youcouldevenbuyyourunderwearatHandyAndy,andIamalwaysinneedofnewunderwear.”Tilliehadreachedthepointinlifewhenyoucanjustairallyourthoughtsandnoonereallythinkstwiceaboutit.Andiftheydo,youdon’tcare.
I’llneverforgetourfirsttriptoHEB,whenIhelpedhergetabasketandsheassuredmeIshouldjustgoaheadwithmyshoppingandwecouldmeetattheregister.Izippedthroughthestore,goteverythingIneeded,andcamebacktofindTillieaboutoneaislefromwhereIhadlefther.Fromthenon,Ialwayswalkedthroughthestorewithher.Oneofmygreatestmemoriesfromthesetripsiswhenshecorneredthestoremanagerandwentonandonabouthowyoucanbuycheeseincubesorslicesoranyothersuchfoolishness,but“Whyintheworldcan’tyoujustbuyablockofratcheese?”
Hehadthisblanklookandquestioned,“Ratcheese?”Shereplied,“Yes,youknow,likeyouputinarattraptocatcharat.”“Ma’am,areyouneedingtocatcharat?”heasked.Shelookedathimlikeshecouldn’tbelieveshewashavingthisconversation
andsaid,“Ofcoursenot.I’mneedingtoeatsomecheese.Ablockofratcheese.”PerryandIstartedtakingherouttoeataboutonceaweek.Onenightwe
wereataneighborhoodMexicanrestaurantwhereTilliehadeatenforyears.Whenourwaitresscametotakeourorder,Tillietoldher,“Honey,Ihardlyrecognizedyoubecauseyou’vegottensofat.”
Iwantedtocrawlunderthetable,butTillietoldme,“Honey,sheneedstoknow.Shehasgottenfat,andI’mjustbeinghonest.”I’veneverbeenmorecertainthatawaitressspitinourenchiladasbeforeservingthem.
ThepriestsfromTillie’sparishcametovisitheronSundays,andshe’dalwaystalkabouthowtheylikedtodrinkhervodka.Infact,sheclaimedthatdrinkingvodkawaspartofwhathadkeptheraliveforsolong.Sometimesshe’dstarttoloseherbalancewhilewewereout,andshe’dsay,“Honey,Ican’trememberifI’mdrunkorjustold.”
AfewyearslaterTilliehadtohavehergallbladdertakenout.Aftershegothomefromthehospital,Iwentovertovisitandsheinsistedonshowingmeher
homefromthehospital,Iwentovertovisitandsheinsistedonshowingmeherincisionbecause,“Honey,youjustwon’tbelieveit,theyjusttakeitoutthroughyourbellybutton.Haveyoueverheardofsuch?Throughyourbellybutton.”
AndasItriedtoprotestthatIdidn’treallyneedtoseeit,shelifteduphernightgowntoshowmeherbellybutton,andlet’sjustsaythatgravityisn’tkindtoyouwhenyou’reninety-nineyearsold,soalongwithherbellybutton,Isawotherpartsofheranatomyhangingdownthererightnexttoit.Ohyes,ma’am,TillieandIkneweachotherwell.
Afewyearsafterwemovedintoourhouse,myformerhairdresserandhislifepartnermovedintothehousebehindourswiththeirtwoadoptedgirlsfromCambodia,aseventy-year-oldHispanichousekeeper,andaFilipinonanny.TheirhousewasclearlyvisiblefromTillie’shouse,andonedayaswewereheadedtoBun’n’Barreltopickupabarbecuesandwich,Tilliepointedtotheirhouseandsaid,“Honey,thatisanODDassortmentofpeoplethatliveinthathouse.Whatdoyouthinkisgoingonoverthere?Ican’tfigureoutwhogoeswithwho.”
Godblessher.Anyway,foryearsIwonderedwhyGodhadbroughtTillieintoourlives,
andonceIhadachildwhobecameatoddler,Iquicklyrealizedatleastpartofthereasonwhy.Hewaspreparingmeforwhatlifeislikewhenyouarewithsomeonewhohasnodesireorinclinationtofiltertheireverythought.
Becauseasmuchastheyneedtolearnnottothrowsand,theyalsoneedtolearnyoumightnotneedtosayeverythingthatpopsintoyourhead.
OnedaywhenCarolinewasabouttwo,wewenttothepark.Iwatchedhergodowntheslidesandplayonthevariousplayscapes,andthenshesaid,“Comeon,Mama!Let’sgoswing!”
Iputherononeswing,andIsatdownontheswingnexttoher,eventhoughInoticedithadalittledriedbirdpooponit.Nobigdeal.I’magamerlikethat.Ilaughinthefaceofbirdpoop.
(Notreally.Idon’tevenknowwhatthatmeans.)Afterafewminutes,shesaid,“Let’sswitchswings,Mama!”So,wegotoff
ourrespectiveswings,andshewalkedovertomine,lookeddown,andyelled,“OH,MAMA!DIDYOUPOOPINYOURSWING?”AsifIwereherincontinentmotherwhomakesahabitofpoopingonplaygroundequipment.
ThentherewasthedayIwassittinginthekitchenwithaBiblestudyworkbookandmyBible,peninhand.Theverypictureofstudious.Theportraitofagodlywoman.
CarolinecouldsensethatIwashavingamomenttomyself,soshecameovertoseewhatwasgoingon.
“Whatareyoudoing,Mama?”“I’mdoingmyBiblestudy.”
“I’mdoingmyBiblestudy.”“Oh,I’mgoingtodomyBiblestudytoo!”Sheclimbeduponthebarstoolnexttomine,grabbedapen,andstarted
scribblingonanotepad.Iwatchedherforafewmomentsandthought,Thisiswhatit’sallabout.I’mshowinghermyloveforJesus.I’mcreatinganexampleoflivingalifededicatedtoGod,andhowpreciousthatshewantstomodelthatbehavior.Andsecretly,Ievenwishedtheotherpersonwholivesinthishouse(thatwouldbePerry)wouldnoticethismomentofmother/daughter/Godclosenessandtakeapictureofthesweetness.
IwentbacktoreadingmystudywhenCarolinesaid,“Mama?”“Yes,mypreciousangelbabydarlin’?”“Ijustdrewthispicture.It’sapictureofwhatmypooplookslike.”See?Nofilter.
AwhilebackCarolinehadthecroup.Shecouldn’tgettosleep,andIcouldhearherhackingawayinherbedroominspiteofthecoughmedicineI’dgivenherearlierthatevening.Shefinallycameoutofherroomintearsbecauseshefeltsobadandcouldn’tgotosleep.
AndsobeganamarathonofeveryhomeremedyIknewandsomeIdidn’tknowbutlearnedthankstoTwitter,whichisabetterresourcethanWebMDbecauseit’sfilledwithmothersandnooneistellingyouthateverylittlesymptomisasignofcancer.
IsatwithCarolineonthefrontporchsoshecouldbreatheinthecoldnightair,rubbedVicksVapoRubonherfeet,satwithherintherockingchair,gaveherateaspoonfulofhoney,andsangherlullabiesinspiteofmybadvoice.
FinallyIendedupturningonthehotwaterinthebathroomwiththehopethatthesteamwouldhelp.Isatonthetoiletlidwithhersnuggledonmylapwhilethethicksteamenvelopedus.Sheseemedsolittleanddelicate,andmyheartjusthurtbecauseIcouldtellshewasmiserable.Irubbedherfeverishbackandencouragedhertobreatheinthesteamyairtohelploosenupallthe“fungus”(asshecalledit)inherlungs.Afterafewminutesshepulledawayfromme,putbothherhandsoneithersideofmyface,andlookedatmeclosely.
“Mama?”“Whatisit,baby?”Ithoughtmaybeshewasgoingtotellmeshestilldidn’tfeelgood.Ormaybe
Ithoughtmaybeshewasgoingtotellmeshestilldidn’tfeelgood.Ormaybesayshelovedme.
“Mama?”“What,love?”“I’mnotsayingthistobemean,butit’stimeforyoutodosomethingabout
yourmustache.Ijustthoughtyoumightwanttoknow.”Well.Ididnotseethatcoming.Butyouknowwhat?Ididwanttoknow.Ineededtoknow.BecauseI’d
obviouslybeenwalkingaroundforweekswithalittletoomuchfacialhair.Perrywasn’tgoingtotellmebecausehehatessleepingonthecouch.Gulleymighthavesaidsomething,butsheknowsmewellenoughtorecognizethatcouldleadusdownawholerabbittrailfilledwithmyinsecurities.We’dstartwithmyneedtogetmyupperlipwaxedandendupsomewhereintheneighborhoodof“AmIfat?Behonest.DoyouthinkIneedtolosetenpounds?Behonest.”Eventhoughweallknowthatnobestfriendisgoingtosay,“Yes,I’vebeenmeaningtotellyouit’stimetodropsomeweight,sister.Youareborderingonwideload.”
(IfI’mwrongandyouhaveafriendwhotoldyouthat,thenI’mgoingtogentlysuggestthatyoufindsomenewfriends.)
Butkidswilltellyou,becausetheyhaven’tlearnedtofiltereverythingout.Andmaybethat’sokaysometimes.Sure,youcan’tgothroughlifethrowingsandanddrawingpicturesofpoop,butwhatifwewereallalittlemoretransparent?Whatifinsteadofpretendingsomethingdidn’thurtourfeelings,we’dsay,“Youknowwhat?Thathurtmyfeelings.”Andthenwecouldworkitoutinsteadoflettingitsimmerunderthesurfaceuntilthebitternesschokesus.
Mysister,Amy,toldmeshewasworriedaboutmyniece,Sarah,startingkindergartenlastyearbecauseshejustwasn’tsureaboutSarah’ssocialskills.AmywasafraidSarahwouldn’tbereadytointeractwiththeotherkidsintherightway.Amysaid,“SometimesattheparkI’llseeherwalkuptootherkidsshedoesn’tknowandsaysomethingweirdlike‘Myjackethasfourpockets.Howmanypocketsdoyouhave?’”Iassuredherthatallkidsarejustalittlebitbizarreandhalfthosekindergartnerswilleatawholetubofpastebeforetheschoolyearends,soIwouldn’treallybeconcernedaboutwhatconstitutesappropriate.TheyearCarolinewasinkindergartenIvolunteeredintheschoolcafeteria,andtherewerekidswhodranktheleftoverjuicefromtheirpintobeanswithastraw.Beanjuice.Withastraw.Inlightofthat,Ithinkaskingsomeoneaboutthenumberofpocketsintheircoatiscompletelyacceptable.
So,yes,Ithinkweneedtoteachourkidstosaypleaseandthankyouandyou’rewelcome.AndifyoulivesouthoftheMason-DixonLine,thenIthinktheyshouldsay,“Yes,ma’am,”and“No,sir.”MaybetheyshoulddoitupNorthtoo,butIdon’tliveupNorth,soIdon’treallyfeelqualifiedtocommentonthat.
InthewordsofSuzanneSugarbakerfromDesigningWomen,“Havingbadmannersisworsethanhavingnomoney.”That’ssomewisdomrightthere.Butmaybewecantakeacuefromthetoddlersinourlivesandnotfilteroutalltherealparts.
Theyaren’tgoingtogetitrighteverytime,butneitherarewe.Ourjobasmothersistodothebestwecantoteachourchildrenthatlifeisbetterandfriendshipsarericherwhenwetreatotherswithkindness,whenweremembertoshare,andwhenweusenicewords.Torememberthateverypersonwecomeincontactwithmayhaveafewcracksintheirheartsevenifwecan’tseethemandthatloveisalwaysthebestresponse.
Butitalsomightbebetterifeveryonekepttheirbellybuttonsandatleastsomeoftheirthoughtstothemselves.
Chapter14
ICanNoLongerBringHometheBacon
WhenCarolinewasthree,IreceivedacallfrommymanagerinformingmetheHumanResourcesdepartmenthadsomequestionsrelatedtomyworkperformance.TheyneededbothofustoflytoDallassotheycouldquestionmeand/orfiremeinperson.
Theissuesinquestionwerecompletelyfalseandduetocomputererror.Iknewthisandmymanagerknewthis,butmyfearwasthatthisladyinHR,whodidn’tknowmefromAdam,wouldn’tgraspthisandtherewouldn’tnecessarilybeawayformetoproveanything.
Thebestpartwasthattheyscheduledthiscareer-decidingmeetingafullweekandahalffromtheinitialphonecall,whichreallyallowedanabundanceoftimeformetodowhatIdobest:completelyfreakout.
Igotoffthatphonecallwithmymanager,andin2.8secondsIhaduslivingonthestreetswithnohealthinsurance.Iam,bytheway,aninsurer’sdreamcometruebecauseI’mjustparanoidenoughtosignupforanypolicywithinafive-hundred-mileradius.
Iamobviouslyarisktakerbynature.SoIhungupthephoneandwalkedouttotellPerryaboutthecall.Giventhe
factthatallthebloodhaddrainedfrommyfaceandIwashyperventilating,heintuitivelyknewsomethingverybadhadhappened,suchaslosingmyjoboroverpluckingmyeyebrowsagain.
Asthenewsofourimminenthomelessnesscamepouringoutofmymouth,hesatandlistenedtome.WhenIwasfinallydrainedofwords,helookedatmeandsaid,“Itwillbeokay.God’sincontrol.”
Umm,yeah.Iknewthat.Andthethingis,Ididknowthat.Butinthatmomentandthroughoutthe
followingweekandahalf,thereweretimeswhenIcompletelyforgot.IletfeargripmeinsteadoflettingGod’speaceenvelopme.
Inshort,IwastheBodeMillerofChristianfaith.RememberBodeMiller?Thatskierinthe2006WinterOlympicswhowassupposedtowinallthemedals?Hewashighlytrained,hehadtonsofexperience,hewasthemediafavorite.Butwhenitcametimeforthebiggesteventofhiscareer,hechoked.Hedidn’twinonemedal.
Hedidn’twinonemedal.Thatwasme.Ihadexperience.I’dwalkedwithChristforyears.He’d
carriedmethroughthelonelydaysofbeinganewcollegegraduateinatownwhereIknewnoone,throughbadjobsituations,throughthedeathsofpeopleIloved,andthroughaheartbreakingmiscarriage.I’dwatchedhimblessmewithagreathusband,abeautifuldaughter,wonderfulfriends,andahappyhome.Iknewhim.I’dtestedhim,andhehadalwaysprovedfaithful.Always.
YetIwassoquicktoprovefaithless.Oneunexpectedturn,andIwasdownforthecount.IntheOlympicsofChristianity,Iwasn’tevengoingtogetabronzemedal.
Afterthemeetingitbecameapparenttoeveryonethatalltheallegationswerefalse,andIcamehomefromDallasknowingmyjobwassecureforthetimebeing.Butsomethinghadshifted.Thiswholeturnofeventsservedasacatalystformetothinkbiggerthanmyself,toquitlookingatwhatIcouldtangiblysee,andtotaketheleapofseeingmylifeandmypotentialthroughGod’seyes.IrealizedhowmuchI’dbeenwalkinginfearandtrustingmyselfandmyabilitytoprovideinsteadoftrustingGod.
AfewweekslaterIwaswatchinganepisodeofFridayNightLights(which,incidentally,isthebestshowthathaseverbeenontelevision,andIstillmournforittothisday).Attheendoftheepisode,TamiTaylorfindsoutshe’spregnant.Thenurseasksher,“Honey,doyouwantthisbaby?”andshereplies,“IprayedforthisbabytwelveyearsagoandthenelevenyearsagoandthentenyearsagoandfinallyrealizedthatGodmusthaveotherplans.”Thenurselooksherrightintheeyeandsays,“Well,honey,itlookslikeGodchangedhismind.”
AndIbegantocry.IcriedbecauseIknewhowitfelttoprayandgetananswer.Iknewhowit
felttohopethatGodwouldchangehismind.Andtheironyis,whileIwaswatchingthatshow,IhadnoideawhatGodwasabouttodo.
Mymanagercalledmethenextdayandtoldmeitappearedmyjobmightbeinjeopardyafterall.Theweirdthingwasthat,asshetalked,Ifeltperfectlycalm.
Infact,IremainedsocalmIwonderedifIwashavingsomekindofbreakdownthatwaspreventingmefromproperlycomputinginformation.
Perrygothomeandwetalkedaboutit.HeaskedmeifIthoughtthiswasGod’swayofpushingmetotakeastepoffaithandresignfrommyjob.HeputintowordsexactlywhatIwasfeeling.Iknewitwastimetowalkaway.
Itallcametogetherintherightway,attherighttime.PerryandIsatandtalkedabouteverything,andwecouldn’tbelievethe
peacewefeltaboutthisdecision.Afterthreeyearsofquestioningwhy,IsuddenlysawthehandofGod’stimingandprovision.Wewereatapointwhere
suddenlysawthehandofGod’stimingandprovision.WewereatapointwherePerry’sbusinesswasbecomingmoreconsistent,andIwasmakingtensofdollarsfromsomefreelancewritingopportunities.Plus,we’dhadafewyearstoaccumulatemoreinoursavingsaccountlikerealgrown-ups.
Don’tgetmewrong—itwasn’tlikeeverythingwasjustperfect.Therewerehugeobstacles,liketheseasonalnatureofPerry’slandscapebusinessandthelossofmycompanycar,oursweetinsurance,andanice,dependablecheckthatwasdirect-depositedintoourcheckingaccounteverytwoweeks.WewerejumpingintothedeependandtrustingGodtoanextentweneverhadbefore.Anditwasscary.
YetIwassogratefulGodhadchangedhismind,andoverthenextseveralmonthsPsalm16:5-8tookonawholenewmeaningforme:
LORD,youalonearemyportionandmycup;youmakemylotsecure.
Theboundarylineshavefallenformeinpleasantplaces;surelyIhaveadelightfulinheritance.
IwillpraisetheLORD,whocounselsme;evenatnightmyheartinstructsme.
IkeepmyeyesalwaysontheLORD.Withhimatmyrighthand,Iwillnotbeshaken.
IresignedfrommyjobafewdayslaterwithtremblingandfearbutalsowithexcitementtoseewhatGodhadinstoreforus.Itwasthebeginningofmynewcareerasastay-at-homemom.
Afterafewweeksofbeinghome,IdecidedtocomparehowIspentmydaysasapharmaceuticalrepwithadayspentasastay-at-homemom.
Drugrep:6:30a.m.Wakeuptothesoundofabelligerentthree-year-oldyelling,“Mama,comegetme!It’smorning!”
SAHM:6:30a.m.Wakeuptothesoundofabelligerentthree-year-oldyelling,“Mama,comegetme!It’smorning!”
Drugrep:7:00a.m.Stumbleintothekitchenandtrytocomeupwith
somethingshe’llactuallyeatforbreakfastwhileshebegsforcandy.ListentoherthrowafitafterIsaythataYorkPeppermintPattieisn’treallyabreakfastfood.
SAHM:7:00a.m.Stumbleintothekitchenandofferseveralbreakfastoptions,allofwhichareturneddownbecausetheyaren’tYorkPeppermintPatties.
Drugrep:8:30a.m.Loadmyselfuplikeapackmuleheadedforaten-daycampingtripintheGrandCanyon.Withoneshoulder,supportCaroline’sschoolbag,mypurse,myworkbag,andmylaptopbag.Intheotherhand,carryherlunchboxandmycarkeys.Followherouttothecarwhileshestopstoexamineeverycrackinthesidewalk,lookateverybug,andgivethedogsahuggood-bye.FinallygettothecarrightbeforemyarmfallsofffromthesheerweightofitemsI’mtoting.
SAHM:8:30a.m.Stayinourpajamasforalittlewhilelongerbecausewecan.WatchCharlieandLolaandcontinuetopushmybreakfastagenda.Sheissooverbreakfast.Breakfastisfortheweak.
Drugrep:9:00a.m.–12:00p.m.Spendmorningtryingtoconvincedoctorswhoalreadyknoweverythingwhytheyshouldusemydruginsteadofmycompetitor’sdrug.TheypretendtolistenwhileIknowtheyarecompletelyignoringeverythingI’msaying.
SAHM:9:00a.m.–12:00p.m.Spendmorningtryingtoconvincethree-year-oldwhoalreadyknowseverythingwhysheshouldn’tcoloronthewalls,runwithsharpobjects,orspillhercerealalloverthekitchenfloor.ShepretendstolistenwhileIknowshe’signoringeverythingI’msaying.
Drugrep:12:00–1:00p.m.Havelunchdeliveredtodoctor’sofficesoIcanhavethepleasureoftreatingofficestaffandphysicianstoafreelunchwhiletheycomplainthatthey’vealreadyhadJason’sDelithisweekandaskwhyIdidn’tbringmoreDietDrPepper.
SAHM:12:00–1:00p.m.Makepeanut-butter-and-jellysandwich;deliverittothree-year-oldsoIcanhavethepleasureofmakingheradeliciouslunchwhileshecomplainsthatshe’salreadyhadpeanutbutterandjellythisweekandasks
whyIdidn’tgiveherpinklemonade.
Drugrep:1:00–2:00p.m.Takeanap.
(I’mjoking.It’sajoke.)
(Everyoneknowsdrugrepsdon’ttakenapsfrom1:00to2:00becausetheyfinishtheirdayby3:00andgohomeandtakeanapthen.)
SAHM:1:00–2:00p.m.TakenapandtrytogetCarolinetodothesame.
(Orattheveryleast,nottowakemeup.)
Drugrep:2:00–4:30p.m.Goseemoredoctorsandbringthemfreesamplesofdrugswhilemostofthemactputoutthattheymustacknowledgemypresence.SomeofthemenjoyaskingmedifficultquestionsthatIdon’tknowhowtoanswer,suchastheparticlesizeoftheLDLandapoBlipoproteins.
Umm,yeah,Imajoredinspeechcommunications.
SAHM:2:00–4:30p.m.GotothegrocerystoreandbuyfoodforCarolinewhilesheactsputoutthatshemustacknowledgemypresence.SheenjoysaskingmedifficultquestionsthatIdon’tknowhowtoanswer,suchashowdowatermelonsturngreenontheoutside.
Umm,yeah,Imajoredinspeechcommunications.
Drugrep:5:00–bedtime.Thedayisover,withtheexceptionofanoccasionaleveningwhenIgettogooutonthecompany’sdimetosomeofthenicestrestaurantsintownandeatgoodfoodanddrinkfinewinewhilelisteningtosomeofthemostboringpresentationsknowntoman.
SAHM:5:00–bedtime.IstillhavemilestogobeforeIsleep.Dinnertime,bathtime,andbedtimeroutines.Therearechickennuggetstobeeaten,hairtobewashed,andstoriestoberead.Iwouldn’ttradeitforthebestmealintownatthe
nicestrestaurant,evenwithouttheboringpresentation.
Althoughthewinewouldbenice.
Drugrep:Middleofthenight.WakeupcompletelystressedoutabouthowI’mgoingtogrowmarketsharewhentheonlywayI’llbeabletoconvincesomeofthesedoctorstowritemydrugisiftheyundergoacompletelobotomy.
SAHM:Middleofthenight.WakeupcompletelystressedoutabouthowI’mgoingtofillallthehoursinthenextdaywithmeaningfulactivitiesthatdon’tincludewatchingBackyardigansoverandoveragain.
Asyoucansee,insomewaysmydaysweren’tthatdifferent.ThecommonalitybetweenbeingadrugrepandbeingamamaisthatbeforeIactuallystartedbeingeitherone,Ireadafewbooks.Istudied,IlearnedallIcould,Imemorizedmaterialthatcouldhelpmeinanysituationandallowmetoansweranyquestion.
Butthethingis,onlytherealityofdoingsomethingeverydaypreparesyouforwhatit’sreallylike.Nobookcantellyouhowtomakeadoctorprescribeyourdrug,andnobookcantellyouhowtogetatoddlertoeatherbreakfast.It’sallagameofskillandchance.SomedaysIgotitright,andsomedaysIdidn’t.SomedaysIthinkI’vegotitallfiguredout,andsomedaysI’msureImustbethemostincompetentpersontoeverattemptthisjob.
Frommyperspective,I’mjustthankfulthatifI’mgoingtospendmydayswithsomeonewhoignoreshalfofwhatIsayandactslikesheknowsbetterthanIdo,it’smydaughter.Becauseforallthosemomentssheissooverme,therearethosemomentswespenddiggingforworms,lyingonthefloorcoloringpictures,andplayingGoFish.
ThosearemomentsIwouldn’ttradeforanything.Plus,mostofmydoctorswereterribleatGoFish.
Chapter15
PuttingtheCrazyonDisplay
HereinSanAntoniowehaveanannualtwo-weekcelebrationcalledFiesta.ItallegedlyhassomethingtodowithTexas’sindependencefromMexico,butIthinkit’sreallyjustanexcuseforeveryonetotakeoffworkandforthesocialitestowearcrownsandpretendthey’rerealroyalty.Therearealwaysparadesandvariousfoodsservedonastickandcoronationsandmultiplestabbingsbyangrydrunks.Goodtimes.
Caroline’spreschoollikedtocelebrateFiestabyhavingthekidscreatetheirveryownshoe-boxfloats.TheteacherssenthomeanoteregardingalltheFiestaactivitiestheyhadplannedforthekids.Iknowitseemsthatavisitfromreal,liveroyaltyintheformofKingAntoniowouldbemorethanenough,butit’snot.AvisitfromKingAntoniowouldhaverequiredlittletonoparentsuffering,whichwasjustnotacceptable.
Thenotewentintogreatdetailabouthoweachyearthekidsmakethesefloatsandhowitissuchanenjoyableexperiencefortheteachersandkidsthatmanyparentsrequestedthattheybeabletomakethisafamilyprojecttobedoneathome.
Whoaretheseparents?Noonewouldfessup,forfearofbeingostracizedfromthepreschool
community.Sowhiletherewastechnicallystilltheoptionofhavingyourchildmakethe
floatatschoolwiththehelpoftheteacher,theimplicationwasthatyoucouldeitherspendhourswithglue-and-glitter-coatedfingertipsorhangyourheadinshameafteressentiallyadmittingyouwereanuninvolvedparentwhosechildtuckedherselfintobedeachnightwhileyouandyourhusbandsippedmartinisinthelivingroom.
Nowdon’tgetmewrong.Idon’tliketopublicizeit,butIsecretlyloveagoodcraftproject.Theproblemisnotwiththecraftinandofitself;theproblemisIknowitwillunleashmyOCDtendencies.IknowIwon’trestuntilIhaveglitteredandtissue-paperedanddecoratedwithinaninchofmylifebecauseweallknowthatthree-year-oldshavetheattentionspanofafleainadogpound,andifIwantedCarolinetopullafloatthatconsistedofmorethanashoeboxwithaHelloKittystickeronit,itwouldbeuptome.
withaHelloKittystickeronit,itwouldbeuptome.IimmediatelysoldCarolineontheideaofaWizardofOz–themedfloat
becauseMcDonald’swasgivingoutWizardofOzHappyMealtoysatthetime.IenvisionedaminiatureOz-themedparadise,completewithdarlingMadameAlexanderHappyMealfigurinesstandingunderaglitteredrainbow.
TheproblemwaseverytimewewenttoMcDonald’s,wegotDorothyortheMunchkin.NoWickedWitch,noTinMan,noScarecrow.IhatedtobehighmaintenanceatMcDonald’s(whichisfairlyironic,consideringitdoesn’treallybothermetobehighmaintenanceanywhereelse)andaskforaspecificHappyMealtoy.Ijustkeptplayingthedrive-thrulikeIwasatacrapstableinVegas,hopingmyluckwouldchange.
Astheduedatefortheshoe-boxfloatdrewnear,IrealizedIwasintrouble.Firstofall,IhadfourDorothysandtwoMunchkins.ThenwhenIdroppedCarolineoffatschoolafewdaysbeforethefloatswererequiredtobein,Isawafewoftheotherfinishedfloatsondisplay.Thesefloatsbelongedtothekidswhoseparentshadrelinquishedfloat-makingdutiestotheteachersbecausetheyweremuchsmarterandmoreawareoftheirissuesthanIwas.WhenIsawhowgoodthosefloatslookedandnoticedthatoneevenincludedSpidermanscalingaskyscraper,Ibegantohyperventilatejustalittle.Somethinginsidemekickedin,andIknewitwastimetobringmyfloat-makingAgame.
OCDisreal,people.Itisasickness.AfterIleftCarolineatschool,IimmediatelydrovetoMichaelstosecurethe
materialsIwouldneedtomakethebestfloatever.Iboughtcoloredtissuepaper,foamboard,decorativeflowers,andenoughglittertooutfitachoruslineofVegasshowgirls.ThemissinglinkwastheothercharactersrequiredtocompletemyWizardofOzmasterpiece.
Then,asifinanswertoprayer,GulleycalledandsaidshewastakingWilltoridethetrainandpickupaHappyMealatMcDonald’s.Ihatetousethewordbegbecauseitsoundssodesperate,butyes,IbeggedhertorequestthegirltoyintheHappyMealand,ifshewouldn’tmind,topleasespecifythatshe’dlikeaWickedWitchoraTinMan.
SowhileIhatedtoappearhighmaintenanceatMcDonald’s,IhadnoproblemaskingmybestfriendtonotonlyaskforaspecifictoybuttocheathersonoutofaHappyMealtoy.Buthewasonlytwo,andIjustifieditbytellingmyselfhewouldn’tknowthedifferenceand,ifhedid,I’dpayforthetherapy.
Gulleycalledmeabouttwentyminuteslaterwithnews.Anditwasn’tgood.TheMcDonald’sclosesttoushadrunoutofallWizardofOzcharactersandinsteadwasofferingMyLittlePonies.
TherewasnowayIwasgivingupontheWizardofOzfloatjustbecausesomemoronatMcDonald’sdidn’torderenoughHappyMealtoys.Don’ttryto
somemoronatMcDonald’sdidn’torderenoughHappyMealtoys.Don’ttrytopawnoffyourMyLittlePoniesonme,highschoolboy.Everyoneknowsthoseareleftoverfromthelastgiveaway.
IamembarrassedtoadmitthatIcalledafewotherMcDonald’slocationslookingfortheWizardofOzfiguresandfinallysecuredaScarecrow.Iactuallyhadthegirlholditforme(somuchfornotbeinghighmaintenance)andwentandpickeditup.
IrealizeIaminneedofprofessionalhelp.ThatnightIwrappedtheshoe-boxfloatwithgreenpaper,madeayellow
brickroadoutofglitter,andplacedDorothyandtheScarecrowontop.(Yes,Carolinewasasleepinbedforallofthis.What?Likeshewasgoingtohelpwithherownfloat?)IquicklyrealizedIneededaTinManandaLion.IsearchedthroughtheplayroomandfoundalionleftoverfromsomeotherHappyMeal.Granted,thisliondidn’tlooklikeheneededmuchcouragebecausehewasstrikingajujitsupose,buthe’ddo.Then,inaflashofbrilliance,IdecidedtoturnoneoftheMunchkinsintoaTinManusingsomefoil.IgotouttheReynoldsWrapandwenttotown.IposedtheLionandtheMunchkinTinMannexttoDorothyandScarecrowandwenttobed.
ThenextmorningPerrywalkedinthekitchen,lookedatthefloat,andasked,“WhatdoesafoilalienbabyhavetodowithTheWizardofOz?”
Heisagem.Finally,aftertoomanyhoursofcutting,glittering,andgluing,thefloatwas
finished.AsIcarrieditintoCaroline’sclassroomthatThursday,IstartedtoworrythatmaybeIhaddonetoomuch.MaybemyOCDhadgottencompletelyoutofcontrol.Maybemyfloatwouldbesogoodthatotherparentswouldbeembarrassedabouttheirownpaltryefforts.
ButassoonasIarrivedandplacedtheshoeboxinthelineupwiththeothercreations,IrealizedthatwhiletheWizardofOzfloatwasavalianteffort,itwasbynomeansthebestfloatintheparade.Theseparentstooktheirfloatsseriously.Veryseriously.Asopposedtome,whowassocompletelynormalaboutthewholething.
WhichmademethinkwemightallbeliketheScarecrowandinsearchofabrain.Oratleastsomethingelsetodowithallthetimeweapparentlyhadonourhands.
Thewholeexperiencewasaturningpointforme.Icanlaughaboutitnow,butatthetimeIwasoverwrought.Itwasalessonintrustingmyowninstinctsconcerningmydaughter.Justbecauseyoufeelpressurefromotherpeopleaboutthewaysomethingshouldbedone,itdoesn’tmeanit’sthebestthing.Sometimesyousimplyhavetogowithyourheartandbelieveyouknowyour
childbetterthananyoneelsedoes.AndthattherecomesatimewhenyoushouldjustslapaHelloKittysticker
onashoeboxfromPaylessandcallitgood.
Chapter16
LifestylesoftheSick&Feverish
YearsagowhenIstartedworkingasapharmaceuticalsalesrep,peoplewarnedmethatIwasabouttobesickerthanI’deverbeeninmylife.Sittinginallthosedoctors’waitingroomswastheequivalentofhangingoutinagiantpetridishwithnothingbutbadcarpetingandanaquariumtoentertainyouduringaninety-minutewait,theywarned.AndwhileIdidhavemyshareofcoughsandcoldsduringthoseyears,thosebugspaleincomparisontotheillnessesIhavelivedthroughinmytenureasamother.
There’salotoftalkinthenewsabouthomegrownterrorists,specificallythethreatofbioterrorism.Well,Ihatetobeafearmonger,butifthoseterroristsreallywanttotakedownanentirecountry,theycanfindeverythingtheyneedintheclassroomsatthelocalpreschools.
Now,IwilladmitI’mabitofagermophobe.Icringewhensomeonedrinksoutofmyglass,andalthoughItrytoactallWhatever,Iamsocasualandcoolwiththiswhensomeoneusesmyforktotryabiteofmyfood,everythinginsidemeisscreaming,Alert!Alert!Bacteria!Bacteria!
PerryandIhavesomegoodfriendsweusedtogofishingwithonaregularbasis.Actually,theyfished.Ireallyjustheldafishingpolewhileworkingonmytanandthinkingaboutnewwaystofixmyhair.Anyway,Kevinisatotalgermfreak.Asin,hemakesmelooknormalandwelladjusted.Hedoesn’tevenlikeitwhenhiswifedrinksoutofthesamebeverageafterhim.Thethingis,whenyou’reoutfishinginaboatallday,everyoneusuallyjustthrowstheirGatoradebackinthecooleranddoestheirbesttograbtheonethatbelongstothemeachtimetheyneedadrink.
ButKevinalwaysmarkedhisGatorade.Becausehedidn’twanttorisksharinggermsevenwiththewomanhehasvowedtoloveforever.AndsoweallrespectedhisGatoradewaysandmadesureweavoidedhisbottle.
Oneafternoonwehadbeenoutintheboatallday.Itwashotandstill,andIthinkwe’dcaughtmaybetwofishamongthefourofus.Ididn’treallycarebecausemytanwaslookingmarvelous,buteveryoneelsewasgettingalittlecranky.
AboutthattimeSusanpulledanappleoutofthecoolerandbegantoeatit.Whenshefinished,shetookthatslobbery,wetapplecoreandchuckeditrightat
Whenshefinished,shetookthatslobbery,wetapplecoreandchuckeditrightathimassheyelled,“Applecore!Baltimore!”PerryandIwatchedinhorrorasthatnastyapplecorehithimrightinthesideoftheface.
ItwasoneofthosemomentsinmylifethatI’llalwaysreliveinslowmotion.IftherewaseveratimeI’dconsideredjumpingintothedark,scaryoceanandswimmingforshore,thiswasit.PerryandIwantedtodisappear.
Kevinlookedup,wipedtheslobberfromhisface,andyelled,“Whatonearthdidyoudothatfor?Whatwereyouthinking?”And,realizingshe’djustmadeahugetacticalerror,Susanmumbled,“Don’tyourememberthatgame‘Applecore!Baltimore!’whereyouthrowanapplecoreatsomeone?”Unfortunately,shewastheonlyonewho’deverheardofthatparticulargame.Whichisunderstandablebecauseyouhavetoadmitit’sahorriblepremiseforafun-filledactivity.
Anyway,thathappenedatapointinmylifewhenIwasn’tnearlyasparanoidaboutgerms,butnowthatI’vereachedmycurrentlevelofneurosis,Icanfullyappreciatethehorrorofaspit-coveredapplecorehittingyouintheface.Sometimestherejustisn’tenoughsanitizer.
Thethingis,whenyoufirstbringyourbabyhomefromthehospital,you’rehypervigilantabouteverything.Everyonewhowalksthroughyourdoorhastobehoseddownwithantibacterialgel.Youinvestinbleachandboilpacifiers.Youseeeveryoneasonebigmassofbacteriawaitingtoinfectyourpreciousbaby.MyfriendJamieboiledtheplastictoysliningherson’sExerSauceruntilthelittlepuppiesanddinosaurswerenothingbutmisshapenblobs.Basically,youturnintoatotalfreak.You’relikeHowardHughesbutinsweatpantsandanursingbra.
EventuallyIrealizedthatpacifierscanbeboiledonlysomanytimesandthatifCarolinecouldsurvivebeingkissedonthelipsbythedog,thenshecouldprobablywithstandalittledirtonthebabyspoonshe’djustdroppedonthefloorforthefifteenthtimeinfourminutes.NottomentionshehadarealpenchantforgummingthehandleofthegrocerystoreshoppingcarteverytimeIturnedmyback.Itwaslikeshewasdeterminedtocontracttheplagueinspiteofallmybestefforts.
Butshewasbornwithastrongimmunesystemandneverreallygotsickasalittlebaby.Yes,therewereafewstuffynosesthatrequiredthosebluesuckerbulbsoftorture,butnofeversoranythingsomelittlesalinenosedropscouldn’tcure.
Untilshestartedpreschool.OrasIcallit,theall-inclusivegermresort.Whereelsedopeoplebelieveit’s
totallyacceptabletotakethetoyoutofyourfriend’smouthandputitinyours?Orthatplaygroundsandistheperfectsnackitemwhenyougetalittlepeckish
Orthatplaygroundsandistheperfectsnackitemwhenyougetalittlepeckishbeforelunch?
ItwasamemorableThanksgivingwhenCarolinecamedownwithherfirstrealillness.IwasalittleannoyedbecausesherefusedtoeatanyofherThanksgivinglunch,andwhorefusestoeatThanksgivinglunch?It’stheSuperBowloffood.Imean,Iwouldhaveunderstoodifshejustdidn’twantturkey,becauseIhavemyownvariousissueswithpoultry,butnobroccoli-ricecasserole?Nodressingandgravy?Nochocolateiceboxpuddingfordessert?Howcanthischildhavecomefrommybody?
Butshortlyafterlunchwasover,IstretchedoutontheleathercouchatMimiandBops’shousetotakeapostlunchcatnap.Andthat’swhenCarolinetoddledovertome,climbedrightupandlayonmyoverstuffedstomach,putherfacerightbymine,andsaid,“Mama?Mymouthfeelsfunny.”
AllImanagedtosaywas,“Whatdoyoumean,your...?”beforeherlittlebodymadeaheavingmotionandIfoundmyselfcoveredinthrow-up.Itwasalloverbothofus.Inourhair,onourclothes,alloverthecouch.AndIthought,Well,itwillclearlybeeasiertojustsetourselvesonfirethanattempttocleanthisup.
Onethingwassure:I’dneverbeforefoundThanksgivinglunchtobesocompletelyunappealing.
Wedidourbesttocleanupthemess—atleastthebestyoucandowithoutafirehosefullofbleach—andtookoursicklittlegirlhome.Wheresheproceededtothrowupeverythirtyminutesforthenextsixhours.Theworstpartwasthatatoddlerdoesn’treallyunderstandtheconceptofrunningtothetoileteverytimeshefeelstheneedtoyak.Nottomentionshewascompletelytraumatizedbytheentireexperience(yes,joinyourmotherasshedealswithpost-traumaticstressdisorder—maybewecangetatwo-for-onedealinatherapyprogram),andshejustwantedmetoholdhereverytimeshestartedtothrowup.
AboutthesixthtimeIhadtodoacompletewardrobechangeafterholdingherinthevicinityofthebathroomwhileshethrewup,PerryannouncedweneededamoreefficientsystemorIwasgoingtorunoutofrattyoldshirts.
(LittledidheknowIcouldneverrunoutofrattyoldshirtsbecauseIamashirthoarder.Ihaveshirtsthatprecedemycollegedays,andthatwas,lo,manyyearsago.)
(Also,onlyPerrywouldtrytodeviseamorestreamlinedthrow-upsystem.Liketherealproblemwaswejustweren’torganizedenoughwithourgastrointestinalissues.)
Carolinecouldn’tgrasprunningtothetoiletorjustlyingonthebathroomfloorenjoyingthefeelofthecoldtileonherface,whichhasalwaysbeenmy
preferredmethodofdealingwithstomachillnessand/ortoomuchfunintheaforementionedcollegeyears.
SothenexttimeshelookedupatmefromthecouchI’dcoveredinbeachtowelsandannounced,“Ifeelmyfro-upscoming,Mama,”Ipickedherup,openedthefrontdoor,andheldheroutovertherailingofourfrontporch.I’msuretheneighborsweredelightedwiththisdisplay.Nothinglikealittlepost-Thanksgivingexhibitionofcompletefoulnessbyatwo-year-oldwearingnothingbutadiaper,andhermother,who’swearinga1991DiamondDarlingChristmasFormalshirtthatsays,“DecktheHallswithBatsandBalls!”Thesweet,naivecollegegirlwhoworeavelvetdresswithhot-pinksleevesbiggerthanherheadtothatChristmasformalnevercouldhaveimaginedtheatrocitiesthatshirtwouldseefourteenyearslater.
AndsoPerryspentthenextmorninghosingdownthebushesinourfrontyardwhileIsuccumbedtothedreadedstomachvirusmyselfandlayonthebathroomfloorwishingIcouldjustdieandmentallycomposingmylastwillandtestament.
(IwasgoingtoleavemyCHIflatirontoGulley.)Inthetrueformofachild,Carolinehadmadeacompleterecovery.She
dancedaroundmeassheaskedoverandoveragain,inasingsongvoice,“What’shappenin’,Mama?What’shappenin’inyourmouth,Mama?Yousosick,Mama?”
Yes.Mamaissick.Largelybecauseshespentthelasttwelvehourscoveredinthrow-upthatwasn’therown.
Mamaisgoingtodienow.Butyourestinthecomfortofknowingitwasveryimportantthatyouchewedonthehandlesofthattricycleatpreschoolandcontractedheaven-knows-whatandbroughtithometoroost.
Idon’tknowifthisisinanyofthosebooksaboutparenting,butifIhadtogiveyouadefinitionofwhatmotherhoodreallylookslike,Imightjustsayit’sawomanwhocatchesherchild’sthrow-up.Withherbarehands.
Chapter17
Nitpicking
SincetheinfamousThanksgivingfluincident,we’veexperiencedavarietyofillnessescourtesyofourlittlerhesusmonkey.Mostofthemhavebeenyourtypicalstomachvirus/cold/bronchitis/strep-typething.AndofcoursePerryandIwouldbothendupwithsomeversionofallofthese,whichledtoourveryownSymptomShowcaseShowdown,inwhichcontestantscompetetoseewhofeelstheworst.
ThencamethemorningCarolineclimbedintomybedandannouncedshehadasoreinhermouth.AndInoticedshealsohadlittleblistersonherhands.Thisearnedusadiagnosisofhand,foot,andmouthdiseasebythepediatrician.
Thegreatironyisthatmanyyearsbefore,inmyprechilddays,I’dattendedabusinessmeetingandhadtosharearoomwithagirlI’dnevermetbefore.(Yes,thatisasituationthatisthirty-onekindsofawkwardanyway.)ShewasasalesrepinMinnesotaorsomewherelikethatandbecamereallysicktheseconddayofthemeeting.WhenIwentbacktoourhotelroomthatnight,Ifoundherlyingonthebed,sweatingfromfever,andsheshowedmelittleblistersonherhands.IthinkIsaidsomethingcalmandsoothinglike,“Ohmyword,Ithinkyou’regoingtodie.”
Butshetoldmesheknewitwashand,foot,andmouthdiseasebecausehersonhaditbeforesheleftonthetrip.AtwhichpointIfoundmymanagerinthelobbyofthehotel,grabbedhimbyhiscollar,andwhispereddesperately,“Listentome.Youhavegottogetmemyownroom.Myroommatehassomeweirddiseasecalledhand,foot,andmouth,andIdon’tknowwhatthatis,butI’mprettysureyougetitfromrabid,dirtysheep.Ibegyou,pleasegetmemyownroom.”
ItwasexhibitsA,B,andCofGod’ssenseofhumorthatnowmyveryownchildhadcomedownwiththishorribleillnessthatmakespeoplebelieveyou’vebeenspendingtimeonunsanitaryfarms.Therealityis,it’sjustanormalvirus-typethingandfairlycommon.
Ontheupside,Carolinesleptforaboutthreedaysstraightbecauseshewassotired.However,onthedownside,shewalkedaroundforthenextsixmonthstellinganyonewhowouldlistenaboutallthesoresshehadinhermouth.AndthenI’dfeeltheneedtooverexplainthatshenolongerhadsoresinhermouth
thenI’dfeeltheneedtooverexplainthatshenolongerhadsoresinhermouthbutshe’dhadhand,foot,andmouthdiseaseseveralmonthsago.WhichcausedthecashieratthegrocerystoretolookatmelikeshewishedI’djustgobacktotheplacewiththedirtysheepfromwhenceI’dcome.
ButtheplaguethatalmosttookusdownandcausedmetosearchtheInternetforinpatienttreatmentprogramswasthegreatliceoutbreakof2011.I’dspentthelastweekendofJulyatthebeachwithagroupofmybestgirlfriends.Itwasanearlycelebrationformyupcomingfortiethbirthday,andwe’dhadthebesttime.
(Well,exceptforthepartwherewealmostgotarrestedbythepolicemanworkingthelineattheferrybecausehegaveusaticketwefeltwasuncalledfor,andmyfriendJuliewasn’tafraidtolethimknowit.)
(Incaseyou’rewondering,theuseofsarcasmrarely,ifever,endearsyoutopoliceofficers.)
Iwalkedthroughthebackdoorrelaxedandrefreshedandgenerallyinlovewithmylife,thankstohowspecialmywonderfulfriendshadmademefeelallweekendlong.Turningfortywasgoingtobeawesome.Carolinewalkedintothebathroomtowatchmeunpackmybag,andInoticedasshebentdownthatshehadarashonthebackofherneck.ItsuddenlydawnedonmethatIalsohadarashonthebackofmyneck.
SoIaskedher,“Doesthatrashonyourneckitch?”Shereplied,“Yes,ititchesreallybad.”IdidwhatIdoinalllifesituationsthatinvolveapotentialmedicalmystery:IconsultedGoogle,justknowingtherewasatleasta95percentchancethatanitchyrashonthebackofyourneckisasymptomofcancer.BecauseGooglelovesnothingmorethanacancerdiagnosis.It’sthereasonI’velostcountlessnightsofsleepworryingaboutwhetherornotmyyellowtonguewasasignoflivercancer.
(Itwasn’t.ItwasasignIneededtostepawayfromtheChristmassugarcookiesandeatavegetableeverynowandthen.)
(SoIdidn’thavelivercancer,butIwasonthevergeofscurvy.)Asitturnedout,anitchyrashonthebackoftheneckisasymptomoflice.I
immediatelybegantopickthroughCaroline’shairand,sureenough,nits.Nits.Myheadisitchingrightnowjustthinkingaboutit.
Webothhadlice.AndIspentthenextseveraldayssoakingourheadsinmayonnaise,oliveoil,andlicetreatmentoptionsfromthedrugstore.AtonepointIseriouslycontemplatedjustpullinguptoagasstation,payingatthepump,anddousingourheadswithunleadedpremium.
EverythingontheInternetsaidyouneededtobagstuffedanimals,sprayeverythingyouownorhaveeverlookedatwithLysol,andwashallbeddinginhotwater.Ijustwantedtosellthehousefullyfurnishedandmove.Honestly,it
hotwater.Ijustwantedtosellthehousefullyfurnishedandmove.Honestly,itseemedeasier.Turningfortywasgoingtobealivingnightmare.
ButIperseveredandcombedoutnitsinCaroline’shairwhilePerrycombedoutnitsinmyhair.Wespentoureveningsjustlikeafamilyofmonkeysatthezoo.Itwasarealtreat.Makethatthing#4,753onthelistofthingsyouneverimagine,asyouwalkdowntheaisleinthebeautifulwhitedresslookinglikeafairyprincess,yourhusbandwillhavetodoforyou.
ItwasshortlyafterI’ddeclaredourhouseholdlicefreethatCarolinethrewmeunderthebusatchurchoneSunday.Idon’tmeansheliterallythrewmeunderthebus.Iwanttoclarifybecauseourchurchdoesofferashuttlebusfromtheparkinglot,andtechnicallyapersoncouldgetthrownunderthebusatchurch.
Imeanshesoldmeout.ShehadbecomefriendswithalittlegirlinherSundayschoolclass,andthe
girlswereplayingafterchurchwhiletheadultsstoodaroundandvisited.Thislittlegirl’sfather,whomI’dnevermet,walkedupandintroducedhimselftome.Aboutthattime,Carolinejoinedintheconversation,andheaskedifshewasanonlychild.Shetoldhimshewas,andhementionedthathisdaughterwasanonlychildtoo,andsometimesshegotboredathome.
WhileIlistenedinhorror,Carolinesaid,“Yeah,metoo.Igetsobored.Iaskmymomtoplaywithme,butallshedoesissitonthecouch.She’sreallazy.”
I’msorry?I’mreallazy?LastIcheckedIwasriddingyourhairoftheplagueandpestilenceyoupickedupfromwho-knows-whereandspendingmyeveningslookingformicroscopiceggs.
IdesperatelywantedtodefendmyselftothismanIdidn’tevenknow,butIknewanythingIsaidwouldjustmakemesoundmoreguilty.SoIstoodtherefrozen,tornbetweenwantingtoredeemmymothering,throwingmychildundertheliteralshuttlebus,andrunningtothecarandburstingintotearsbecauseIsuddenlyfeltlikeatotalfailure.
InsteadIoptedtosayinanoverlycheerfulvoice,“Okay!Well,youhaveagreatSunday!”IproceededtograbPerry,tellinghimitwastimetogo,andIcouldn’tevenlookatCaroline.Assoonaswegotinthecar,Iturnedtohertearfullyandsaidinashakyvoice,“Isthatwhatyouthinkofme?ThatI’mlazyanddon’tdoanythingforyou?”
ShelookedatmelikeadeercaughtintheheadlightsasIwenton.“Howmanymomsgooneveryfieldtrip?Howmanymomseatlunchatschoolwiththeirkidsalmosteveryweek?Howmanymomshelpwithspellingtestsbymakingtheletterswiththeirwholebodylikethey’redoingthe‘YMCA’?”
Meanwhile,Perrywasn’tsurewhathadjusthappened.Hewasstaringatme
likeI’dlostmymindasIsobbedandwentintogeneralhysteria.ButIthinkhegotthegistbecausehepulledoverthecarandtoldCaroline,“Idon’tthinkitwasverynicetosayyourmomislazy.Idon’tthinkyourealizeorappreciatehowmuchshedoesforyou.”
ThenCarolineburstintotearsandsaid,“I’msorry,Mama.I’msorry.Idon’tevenreallyknowwhatlazymeans.Ijustmeantthatsometimesyougettiredfromtakingcareofmeandhavetotakeabreak.”
Well,thatisthetruth,sister.Thatisthetruth.Ispenttherestofthedayfeelingalittleshellshocked.AllI’veeverwanted
tobewasthebestmotherIcouldbe,andIfeltlikemydaughterhadjustannouncedtotheworldthatshedidn’tfeellikeIwasdoingagreatjob.EveryoneItoldthisstorytoassuredmeIwasawonderfulmother,buttherearesomewoundsthatjusttakeawhiletoknitbackintowholeness.Tobehonest,mypridewashurtmorethananything.
IthinkI’dbeenlivingundertheillusionthatIcouldgiveCarolineaperfectchildhood.Butperfectdoesn’texistinourworld.Icangiveherlove,Icangiveherlaughter,Icaninstillvaluesandmoralsinher,IcanteachheraboutJesusandhowheloveshermorethansheknows,andIcanhopefullygivehermoregoodmemoriesthanbad.
AndIcanpickthenitsoutofherhair,onelittlelarvaatatime.ButIcan’tgiveherperfection,becauseI’mfreshout.That’swherethegraceofGodenters,andIexitquietlythroughtheback
door,allowinghimtofillinthegaps.
Chapter18
ReadyfortheWorld
Iremembermyfirstdayofkindergarten.Actually,Idon’tknowthatIremembertheactualeventsomuch,butI’veseenpicturesofitthathelpmeknowthingsIcan’trecallfromrealmemories.IworeareddressandnavyblueKeds,andIrodetheschoolbus.ThenattheendofthedayIforgottogetofftheschoolbus,andthedriverdidn’trealizeituntilafewblockslater.Idokindofrememberthatpart.ThepanicofknowingIwasn’tsupposedtostillbeontheschoolbusbutnotbeingsurewhatIwassupposedtodoaboutit.
LittledidIknowitthen,butthatmomentwasjustthebeginningofsomanytimesI’dfeelthatway—insecure,panicked,andafraidthatI’dreallyscrewedeverythingup.Welcometotherealworld.It’sakickinthepants.
Andmaybethat’swhyI’dbeendreadingthemomentCarolinewouldstartkindergarteneversincethedayshewasborn.Ididn’twanttosendmybabyoutofhersafelittlecocoonandintothebig,badworldofkindergarten.Iwantedtokeephersafeandmakeherfeelsecure.Andmostofall,Iwantedtobeincontrolofeverythingshewouldeverhearandexperience.ThatwholeJohnTravoltaBoyinthePlasticBubbleidealookedveryappealingtome.AllofasuddenthosehomeschoolersI’dmadefunofbegantolookalotsmarter.IconsideredwhetherornotIcouldspendmydayswearingadenimjumperandmakinghomemadegranolawhileItaughtCarolinefromhome.
(I’mtotallykidding,bytheway.Iknownotallhomeschoolersweardenimjumpers.)
(Someofthemweardenimskirts.)(Seriously,Ihavealotoffriendswhohomeschool.Iapplaudtheirpatience.)AfterthreeyearsofsendingCarolinetopreschooltwotothreedaysaweek,
IthoughtIwouldfeelmorereadytosendherofftokindergarten,butitfeltsodifferent.Preschoolwaskindandfriendly.AsafelittlehavenwhereshewenttoschoolwiththekidsofmyclosestfriendsinacozylittlechurchenvironmentwheretheysangsongsaboutJesusandmadeflowerpotnativitieseveryChristmasandhadaspecialchapelcelebrationinhonorofeachstudent’sbirthdayeveryyear.
Iknewthemeanstreetsofpublicschoolweren’tgoingtobenearlysonurturingandkind.Wewouldhavetogettoknownewkidsandnewfamilies.
nurturingandkind.Wewouldhavetogettoknownewkidsandnewfamilies.Mybabywouldbeexposedtokidswhomightmakefunofherlunchboxorhersparklytennisshoes,andImightbetemptedtotacklesomeonewhodidn’tevenhavepermanentteethyet.
IwantedCarolinetostayinthesafeharborofChristianpreschoolforever.Infact,theonlyreasonIwasevenremotelyhappyaboutmovingonwasthatitwouldmarktheendoftheannualcreationoftheFiestashoe-boxfloat.
Butasforeverythingelse,itbrokemyhearttoleave.OnCaroline’slastdayofpreschoolIhuggedthedirectorsandthankedthemforthewaytheyhadfiercelylovedmychildoverthelastthreeyears,andIcriedsohardIthinkIfrightenedthemalittle.Imayhaveevenbeggedthemtoconsiderstartingakindergarten.
ThencamethenightIwasprogrammingourDVRtorecordvariousshowsthroughouttheweek.AtthatmomentitreallydawnedonmethatIwasabouttosendCarolineofftokindergarten.Forthelastfiveyears,asourtastesgraduatedfromSesameStreettoPinkyDinkyDootoTomandJerry,themajorityofourmorningshadbeenspentsnugglingonthecouchwatchingTVtogetherbeforewestartedourday.Butnowwewereabouttoenterintotheworldofschedulesandalarmclocksandextracurricularactivities.
It’snotlikeIdidn’tknowitwascoming.Butthereitwas,loomingbigandbrightonthehorizon.Andthat’swhensomethinginsidemebegantoachemorethanalittle.Iwasn’treadytosendmygirlofftoabig,wideworldwhereshe’dcarryherownlunchtrayandpickoutwhatkindofmilkshewanted.Ofcourse,shedoesn’tevenlikemilk,butthatwasn’tthepoint.
SoIspentthatsummerdreadingAugust.Ididn’twantschooltostart.Ididn’twanttosendmybabytoschool,eventhoughItriedtoappearreallyexcitedeverytimewetalkedaboutitbecauseIdidn’twanthertosensemyfear.Youknowwhattheysayaboutbeesanddogsandfive-year-olds.
Abouttwoweeksbeforeschoolbegan,Iwasgettingmyhaircut,andmyhairdresseraskedmeaboutCaroline—specificallyhowIdisciplinedCarolinewhensheactedupordidsomethingwrong.
Here’swhatIsaid:“LatelyIhaven’thadtodisciplineherthatmuch.Theyearshewasthreewasreallyhardbecauseshetestedmeoneverything,butnowthatshe’sfive,Irarelyhavetodisciplineher.SheknowsI’mseriouswhenIgiveheralookorgetacertaintoneinmyvoice,andshe’llusuallydowhateverI’veaskedhertodo.”
Well,thatwasamistake.ItwaslikeIopenedthevaultofchild-rearingfateandyelled,“Thiswhole
parentingthingissoeasy!Ihavefigureditallout!”Don’teverdothat.It’sabigmistake.
Don’teverdothat.It’sabigmistake.Becausethefollowingtwoweekswerefilledwithmoremeltdownsand
dramathananepisodeofTheBachelor.AtonepointIputCarolineintime-out,andwhenIwentinherroom,Ibegan
toexplaintoherthatMamaisthebossandshecan’ttalkbacktome.Shelookedatmeandsaid,“Ifyousayyou’rethebossonemoretime,I’mgoingtogetmyselfsoworkedupthatIdon’tknowwhatI’lldo.”AtwhichpointIsentaflurryofprayersupwardinthehopethatGodwouldsustainmeforthenexttwentyyears.
That’swhenIbegantostarelonginglyatthecalendarandcountdownthedaysuntilschoolstarted,becauseeverydayendedwithmyfeelingtiredandfrustratedfromfightingonebattleafteranotheralldaylong.
Shewasready.Iknewwithoutadoubtthatshewasready.Itwasevidentineverythingshedid:fromherfierceindependencetothewayshebreezedthroughKindergartenBasics,theworkbookfilledwithexercisesI’dboughtforher.Shewasmysocialbutterfly,andshewasreadytofly.
AndIhadtolether.TwoweekslaterIdressedherinalittlepinksundresswithamonogramonit
andputinwhatwouldturnouttobeoneofthelastbowsshe’deverwearinherhair.Wetookamillionpicturestodocumentthemoment,andthenPerryandIdrovehertoschoolandbeganthelongwalktoherkindergartenclassroom,eachofusholdingoneofherlittlehands.Thensuddenlyshedroppedourhandsandsaid,“Followme.Iknowwheretogo.”
Shewalkedaheadwithherheadheldupandabackpackonherbackthatwasalmostbiggerthanshewas.Oh,myheart.ItwasatthatmomentIrealizedIwasgoingtohavetoletherleadthewaytosomanymilestones.
WefollowedCarolinetoherclassroom,saidhellotoherteacher,andhuggedCarolinegood-bye.ImanagedtomakeittothecarbeforeIbegantocryinawaythatwouldmakeShirleyMacLainethinkIneededtoquitbeingsuchadramaqueenandgetagrip.PerryandIprayedthatGodwouldwatchoverherandprotectherandsurroundherwithfriendsandhislove.That’swhenthepeacecamein,becauseitwasthereminderthatGodlovedherevenmorethanwedid.Hehadbigplansforherlife,andkindergartenwasjustthebeginning.
Andyouknowwhat?Shewasjustfine.AndIwasjustfine.Itwasthebeginningofanewadventureforbothofus,andifyouwanttodiscoverthenew,youalwayshavetoleavetheoldbehind.Godcan’ttakeusanywhereifwekeepclingingtolittlebitsofthepast.WhichisalessonI’vehadtolearnatleastonceorathousandtimesovertheyears.
Kindergartenwasgreat.CarolineandIbothlovedherteacher,andIwasabletospendonedayaweekvolunteeringinherclassroomorinthecafeteria,whichiswhereIlearnedthatfive-year-oldsaregross.AndIalsolearnedthattherewasatleastonemomwhofelttheneedtopackroll-your-ownsushiinherchild’slunchbox.Waytomaketherestofusfeelguiltyandmediocrewithourofferingsofpeanutbutterandhoneyonwhitebread,sister.
IbelieveitwasinJanuaryofCaroline’skindergartenyearthatwegotanoteinformingparentstherewouldbeaninformationalmeetingforthoseofusinterestedinhavingourchildtestedforthegiftedprogram.Whichmademewonderwhatqualifiesakindergartnerasgifted.TheyknowtouseaKleenexinsteadoftheirfinger?Ortheydon’ttrytoeatthegold,spray-paintedmacaroniduringcrafttime?
ButIhadtomakeadecisionaboutwhetherornottoattend.IwastornbecauseobviouslyPerryandIthoughtshewasgifted.Weknewshewasgiftedwhenshecouldpassgaslikeamanatonlysixmonthsold,nottomentionthefactshecouldspotadeerinthebrushat150yardsfromthetimeshewasthreeyearsold.
However,thosequalitiesmaynotbeexactlywhatHarvardislookingfor,althoughtheymightbeexactlywhatsheneedstosomedaygetherownhuntingshowontheOutdoorChannel.
ButIwasn’tsureIwantedtohaveCarolinelabeledbytheageoffive.Ifshequalifiedforthegiftedprogram,woulditmeanshe’dfeeltoomuchpressuretoperformacademically?Wouldittakethejoyoutofschool?Iwasmuchmoreconcernedwithraisingawell-roundedpersonwhoenjoyedschoolthanwithbeingabletocasuallydropphrasesinsocialsettingsaboutthestrugglesofraisingagiftedchild.“Oh,itwassodifficultwhenwestartedtrigonometryinsecondgrade.”
Ithoughtaboute-mailingCaroline’steachertoseeifshethoughtweshouldhavehertested.Ifiguredshesawherintheclassroomonadailybasisandprobablyhadabetterideaofwhattheywerelookingfortodetermineifachildwasgifted.TheproblemwasthatIreallylikedCaroline’steacheranddidn’twanttosendherapotentiallyawkwarde-mail:
DearMs.KindergartenTeacher,
DearMs.KindergartenTeacher,
Youknowthatourpreciousbabygirl,Caroline,isthelightofourlives.Wethinksheisthesmartest,mostwell-adjustedchildontheplanet.Sheisabletoleaptallbuildingsinasinglebound,andwehavenodoubtshehasabrilliantfutureasanOlympicathletewithasidelinecareerasthehostofanincrediblysuccessfulrealitytelevisionshoworasanuclearphysicist.Inotherwords,shehasthepotentialtolivetheAmericandream.
We’resureyouagreewithusthatthereisnodoubtsheisgifted,butwillyoupleaseletusknowifyouthinkshe’snot?
SincerelyandTotallyUnbiased,PerryandMelanie
See?Awkward.UltimatelyIdecidedtoattendthemeetingandseewhattheyhadtosay
becauseIdidn’twanttobetheparentwhosays,“Nowayismychildgifted!I’mgoingtoskipthemeeting,stayhome,andwatchmesomeRealHousewivesofNewYorkCityinstead.”IfiguredIneededtogiveCarolineachanceandnotbedefensiveifsomeonedaredtowriteonpaperthatmychildwasn’tintellectuallysuperiortoalltheotherkidsinherclass.AtleastIcouldrestintheknowledgeshewassmarterthanthekidnexttoherwhochewedthegumhefoundonthebottomofhisdesk.
WhenIwalkedinthedoorforthemeeting,theygavemeahandout.Itwasachecklistofbehaviors,andIwassupposedtocheckyesornoforeachone.WeweretoldthiswouldbeoneofthedeterminingfactorsforwhetherCarolinequalifiedfortheprogram.
Apparentlymostoftheparentsintheroomweregiftedbecausetheyallrealizedprettyquicklythatthey’dbettercheckyestoatleasttenofthetwelvecharacteristicsortheirchildwasgettingsentstraighttoDoreen’sVocationalSchoolforKidsWhoCan’tReadSoGoodinsteadofspendingafewhoursaweekdiscussingEinstein’stheoryofrelativitywithabunchofothergeniuseswhodidn’teatpaste.
IsatinthatmeetingandrealizedIdidn’twanttoassumeCarolinewasn’tgiftedbasedonthefactthatshecamefromaparentwhoconsistentlyreceivedreportcardsthatread,“Doesnotliveuptoacademicpotential,”which,
reportcardsthatread,“Doesnotliveuptoacademicpotential,”which,translated,means,“Wouldratherflirtwithcuteboysandtalkaboutwho’shavingapartyonFridaynightwhilecomingupwithnewwaystoteaseherbangsevenhigher.”
(Thatwouldbeme,bytheway.Perrydidn’tflirtwithboys,norcouldheteasehisbangsveryhigh.Rumorhasitthathedidhaveasweetmullet,though.)
Butatthesametime,Ididn’treallycareonewayortheotherwhethershewasgiftedornot.Ijustdidn’twanthertoendupintherapysomeday,saying,“ItallstartedthedaymymamadecidedIwasn’tgiftedwhenIwasinkindergarten.”
IquicklyrealizedtherewereparentsintheroomwhoweretakingthewholethingalotmoreseriouslythanIwas.ThisbecameclearwhenIwhisperedtoamomsittingnexttome,“Well,ifshe’snotgifted,itmightjustmeanshe’llbethepromqueeninstead.”IpromptlyreceivedwhatIfeelcertainwasadirtylook.
Ofcourse,inretrospect,maybethiswomanhadbeenthepromqueenherself.Andsoit’ssafetosaythatwhetherornotCarolineisgifted,weknowforsurethatI’mnotgiftedwhenitcomestosocialsituations.
Ultimately,Carolinedidn’tmakeitintothegiftedprogramthatyear,butoneofherbestfriendsdid.NotthatCarolinecaredaboutthatatall.ItjustfedmyinsecuritiesthatmaybeweshouldhavedonemoreflashcardsinsteadofwatchingsomanyepisodesofTheBackyardigansbecauseTyronethemoosewassomuchmorefunthanlearningphonics.ButtherewasnowayIcouldn’tfeelalittleconcernedthatCaroline’sbestfriendwouldbereadingaloudfromHomer’sOdysseyonthewaytoschooleverymorningwhileCarolinesoundedlikeLloydfromDumbandDumberasshesoundedout“t-t-t-h-uh”asshetriedtoreadthewordthe.
Iwishsomeonehadtoldmethenthatchildrenalllearnattheirownpaceandthatreadingisadevelopmentalskill,justlikeeverythingelse.Maybesomeonedidtellmethat,butIwastooneurotictopayattention.I’mproudtosaythattodayCarolineisnowanexcellentreader.Andasitturnedout,thegiftedprograminkindergartenwasathree-monthsupplementaryprogramwherethekidslearnedaboutEgypt.Likeyouhavetobegiftedtodothat?Here’sapyramid;here’sKingTut;therewasawomannamedCleopatra.Theend.
ClearlyI’mnotoneofthosedragonmothersthatyoureadaboutthesedays.
Chapter19
TheBig,BadWorldofElementarySchool
Afterasuccessfulyearofkindergartenwehadtoprepare(okay,mainlyIhadtoprepare)foranotherbigchange.Inourschooldistrictthekindergartenisitsownlittlecampus,andthenthestudentsmovetoabiggerschoolforfirstgradethroughfifthgrade.OnceagainIhadtoletgoofsomethingthatfeltsafeandsecure.ThisseemedtobeathemeGodkeptemphasizinginmylife.Comfortzone?Okay,let’skeepmovingforward.
Butthetransitiontofirstgradewaspracticallyseamless,withtheexceptionofthefirstweek,whenIsingle-handedlycreatedacar-pooltrafficjamofepicproportionsinmyignoranceaboutwhichlanewasthepick-uplane.Man,policeofficerscanbesotouchy.
SoIdecidedI’djustwalkinandpickCarolineupeveryafternooninsteadofnavigatingthetrickywatersofthecarpool.(SeewhatIdidthere?Carpool?Waters?Nowtellmewho’sgifted.)
Caroline’sfirstgradeteacherwasyoungandenthusiastic.Shetaughtthestudentstheirwordsandsoundsusingsongsandrewardedthemforgoodbehaviorbyallowingthemtomakebasketballshotsintheclassroominalittleplastichooponthebackofthedoor.OnedayCarolinecamehomesoexcitedshecouldbarelyspeakasshetoldusherteacherhadletthekidspushherdowntheschoolrampsinherrollingdeskchair.Nowthat’saneducationalexperience.
Carolinequicklymadenewfriends,andthereforeImadenewfriends,anditwasaboutasperfectaselementaryschoolcanbe.Yes,thehomeworktooksomegettingusedto,andwehadafewprojectsthatbroughtoutmyinnercrazy,suchascreatingamodelofChristopherColumbus’sship,buttheFiestafloatexperiencehadgivenmepracticeforjustsuchanoccasion,andI’mhappytosayCarolineandIdidthewholethingwithoutincident.
ThatwasalsotheyearCarolinereallylearnedtoread,anditbroughtmesomuchjoytoseeherpickupabook.Eventhoughthatdidn’thappenveryoftenbecause,asshetoldme,“WhywouldIwanttositaroundandreadabookwhenIcouldbeoutdoingthatstuffinstead?”Yes,thisisachildwhocomesfromadadwhobelievesthereisnofinerreadingthanthelatestCabela’scatalog.Andeventhatgrandtomeisreadonlyinthebathroom.
Classy.
Classy.
Thenitwastimeforsecondgrade.Andeverythingchanged.Whenwegottheletteraboutourteachertheweekbeforeschoolbegan,IwasdisappointedtoseethatCarolinehadgottentheteachereveryonewarnedmeabout.ButItriedtobepositiveandconvincemyselfthatourexperiencewouldbedifferent.HowcouldanyteachernotlikeCaroline?
WhenIwalkedhertoherclassroomthefirstdayofsecondgrade,Ihadapitinmystomachthatwasn’thelpedatallbythestiffgreetingwereceivedwhenwemettheteacher.Icouldtellimmediatelythiswasn’tgoingtobethewarm,fuzzyexperiencewe’dhadforthepasttwoyears.AndIcouldtelltheteacherdidn’tthinkIwasfunnyorcharmingatall.
Itwasahardyear.TheteacherseemedtolikeCarolinewellenough,butherteachingstylewasstrictandno-nonsense,andthiswasn’thelpedbythefactthatshehadaclassfullofbehaviorproblems.IwatchedasCarolinewentfromahappy-go-luckykidwhowasexcitedtogotoschooleverymorningtoalittlegirlwhobithernailsandscratchedherheadinnervousnessandwantedtostayhomeinthemornings.Itbrokemyheart.
AndsoIprayed.Iprayedforwisdomandguidanceanddiscernment.ShouldIhomeschool?Shouldwemovehertoprivateschool?WasIsupposedtogogetbelligerentwiththeschoolstaffanddemandthatmychildbeswitchedtoanotherclassroom?BecausethosewerethethingsIwantedtodo.
ButIfeltGodclearlytellingmethatIneededonlytobestillandtrusthim.Sothat’swhatIdid.PerryandIdidourbesttoencourageCarolineandletherknowshewasinthatclassforareason.Herjobwastoletherlightshinebrightlyandtoknowthatwewerealwaysonherside.Butitwasn’teasy.
Irealizethatschoolisn’talwaysgoingtobefun,butsecondgradeseemsawfullyearlytohavetolearnthatlifelesson.Yetitwasthereality.WhichwaswhyIwassosurprisedwhenCarolinegotinthecaroneFridayafternoonfullofexcitementandtoldmethatherteachersaidshehada“hugesurprise”fortheclassonMonday.Thisseemedcompletelyoutofcharacterbut,sureenough,Igothomeanddiscoveredtheteacherhadsentoutane-mailtotheparentsinformingusthekidsweregettinga“hugesurprise”onMonday.
AllweekendlongCarolinespeculatedaboutwhatthehugesurprisecouldpossiblybe.Anicecreamparty?Maybeadanceparty,completewithadisco
possiblybe.Anicecreamparty?Maybeadanceparty,completewithadiscoball?Apetguineapigfortheclass?
OnMondaymorningCarolinejumpedoutofbed,besideherselfattheprospectthattheunveilingofthehugesurprisewasimminent.IdroppedheroffandtoldherIcouldn’twaittohearallaboutitwhenIpickedherupthatafternoon.
Assoonasshehoppedinthecarattheendoftheday,Iasked,“Whatwasit?Whatwasthehugesurprise?”Shelookedatmewithanexpressionofpureandtotaldisgustonherfaceassheannouncedinamonotonevoice,“TimDuncan’sshoe.”
“Whatdidyousay?”Iasked,thinkingIhadsurelyheardwrongormissedapieceofthestory.
“IsaiditwasTimDuncan’sshoe,”sherepeatedwithabsolutelynoenthusiasm.
“Hisshoe?”“Yes.TimDuncan’sshoe.”Forthoseofyouwhomaynotknow,TimDuncanisabasketballplayerfor
theSanAntonioSpurs.Likemostbasketballplayers,heistall,andI’destimatethathisshoesizeisprobablyarounda14.Caroline’steacherhadwrittentoTimDuncanandrequestedthathesendheranautographedshoe.ApparentlyshethoughtthekidsintheclassmightbemotivatedtohavegoodbehavioriftheyhadthepromiseofgettingtokeepTimDuncan’sshoeontheirdeskasareward.Sotechnically,yes,thatisa“hugesurprise.”ButIwilltellyouthatCarolineandIlearnedanimportantlessonthatday:thereisabigdifferencebetweenahugesurpriseandafunsurprise.
Thebiggestquestioninmymindwashowanyonecouldthinkanenormousshoewouldinspireabunchofseven-year-oldswhohadspenttheweekenddreamingofeatingicecreamanddancingunderadiscoball.Don’teverpromisekidsahugesurprisethatdoesn’tinvolvetheopportunityfortotalchaos.Itdoesn’ttranslate.
PerryandIimmediatelyadoptedthephrase“TimDuncan’sshoe”ascodeforanythingwedeemedboringandlame.Ithasprovedtobeterriblyuseful.Invitedtoaboringcharitydinner?TimDuncan’sshoe.SittingthroughaPTOmeeting?TimDuncan’sshoe.Listeningtoourneighborrantaboutpolitics?TimDuncan’sshoe.
SoIguessthebottomlineisthatwhileelementaryschoolhasn’talwaysprovedtobefunandhaspresenteditsshareofchallenges,Ican’tsayweallaren’tlearningafewpiecesofvaluableinformation.
Schoolisthebeginningoftherealworld,theendoftheprotectivebubble.It’satimetolearnthatnoteveryoneusestheirnicewords,atimetolearnthat
It’satimetolearnthatnoteveryoneusestheirnicewords,atimetolearnthatyou’llrunoutofjacketsifyoukeepleavingthemontheplayground,atimetolearnthattherearesometimesbattlesyouhavetofight.Therearehighsandlowsandstrugglesandtriumphs.
AndtherearedaysthatsometimesfeellikeTimDuncan’sshoe.
Chapter20
It’saParty&I’llCryIfIWantTo
Ineverhadapiñataatanyofmybirthdayparties.OfcourseIrealizenowthatisprobablygroundsforsomekindoftherapy,butIwasachildofthe’70s,andwedidn’tknowaboutsuchthings.Abirthdaypartywasasmallaffairwithahomemadecake,icecream,andifyouwerereallylucky,someballoons.Therewerenopiñatasinthosedays.Notreatbagstosaythanksforcoming.Ifyouhadaskedforapartyfavorbackthen,youmighthavebeenmetwith,“Youknowwhatyoucantakewithyou,kid?Thememoryofsomegoodcake.”
DidImentionwealsohadtowalkuphillBOTHWAYSinthesnowtoattendmostoftheseparties?
OrmaybeeveryoneelsewashavinggreatpartiesandIjustneverknewaboutitbecauseIwasn’tinvited.Ifthat’sthecase,pleasedon’ttellmebecauseIvisittheedgeenoughasitis.Icertainlydon’tneedtoknowtherewereextravaganzashappeningallaroundmecompletewithfancybakerycakes.
MybirthdayisinAugust.AlsoknownastheTimDuncan’sshoeofbirthdaymonthsbecauseit’ssummer,it’shot,andallyourfriendsareprobablyonvacation.SothemajorityofmybirthdayswerespenteitheratthepooloratSixFlagswithwhateverfriendshadthemisfortuneofbeingbornintoafamilythatdidn’ttakevacations.
AndthatwastotallyfineuntilSeptember,whenthefirstkidinmyclasswouldhaveabirthdayandhismomwouldwalkinwithcupcakesandI’dberemindedofthefactthatI’dbeenbornintheworstmonth.
Giventhischildhoodtrauma,IwasalittledisappointedwhenIrealizedmyduedatewithCarolinefellsmackdabinthemiddleofAugust.Ihadinadvertentlypassedthebadbirthdaygenetomyoffspring,whowouldsufferhermother’sfateofhavingpartyoptionsthatconsistedof(1)havingapoolparty,(2)havingapoolparty,or(3)invitingpeopleovertositonablockofice.
WhatIdidn’trealizethenwasthatthetimeofyearwouldbetheleastofmyworries.Iwasn’tpreparedforthiswholenewworldofbirthdaypartycompetition.
ThefirsttimeIrememberhavingfull-onbirthdaypartyenvywasinseventhgrade.JamieHornbeckhadadancepartyinhergarage,completewithaDJ.
TherewasatablesetupwithabowlofcheesepuffsandsomeDrPepper.Andadiscoball.Bestill,myheart.TothisdayitmightbethebestpartyI’veeverattended.ThatgarageturnedintoaplaceofpureawesomenessunderthedimlightsandwiththesweetsoundsofJourneysinging“Faithfully”whileweallslow-dancedawkwardlyinourJordachejeansandjellyshoes.
Buttimesaredifferentnow.Birthdaypartieshavebecomeanewcompetitivesport.Ican’trememberexactlywhenIfirstbecameawareofthis,butIthinkitwassomewherearoundthetimeGulleytookJacksontoaone-year-old’sbirthdaypartyandcalledmeonthewayhometoinformmeitwasnicerthanherweddingreception.Andherweddingreceptionwasverynice.
Shesaid,“Theyhadevenplantednewflowersinthefrontbedstomatchthedecor.TherewereLINENtablecloths.Thereweresilverchafingdishesandmargaritamachines.”
IwasstunnedintotemporarysilenceuntilImanagedtoutter,“Really?”“YES,”shereplied.“Iwantedtolivethereforever.”Youwouldthinkthatasanepersonplanningabirthdaypartymightthink
linentableclothsandsilverchafingdishesarealittlemuchtohonorabirthdayboywhomighttakeanapduringtheentirepartyanddroolonhimself.OfcourseIknowsomepeoplewhomayhavespenttheirtwenty-firstbirthdaysinasimilarfashion,butthat’snotthepoint.
Anyway,ImadeapointaboutthewholethingjustseeminglikearidiculouswasteoftimeandmoneysinceIliketoclimbontheoccasionalsoapboxconcerningtopicsIthinkwon’teverapplytome.AndsoImadesurethatCaroline’sfirstseveralbirthdaypartiesweremodestaffairs.Yes,wehadbakerycakes,butthathadmoretodowithmylimitedbakingabilitiesthananeedtoimpress.Forthemostpart,though,theseweresmallgatheringsathomewithahandfuloffamilyandsomelittletoddlerfriends.Theremayhavebeensomebubblesorsidewalkchalkasapartinggift.
ButthencameCaroline’ssixthbirthday.Otherwiseknownasmyownpersonalcautionarytaleaboutexcessand
overdoingthings.
ThatyearCarolineannouncedthatshewantedtohavefourfriendsspendthenight.AndIwelledupwithmemoriesofslumberpartiesandgigglinggirlfriendsandsleepingwithoursleepingbagsallbunchedtogetheraswewhisperedwell
andsleepingwithoursleepingbagsallbunchedtogetheraswewhisperedwellintothenight.
Mybaby’sfirstslumberparty.Itwaslikeafull-circlemoment.Iagreedtotheslumberparty,andthenshesuggesteditmightbefuntoalso
haveabigpoolpartythatsamedaysoshecouldcelebratewithallherfriendsbeforethesmallergatheringintheevening.Maybeitwastheguiltoverpassingdownthelamebirthdaymonthtomydaughter,ormaybeitwastheheat,ormaybeshejustcaughtmeinareallygoodmood.Whateverthereason,somethingfalseinmewhispered,“Howhardcouldthatbe?It’sjustapoolparty!”AndIagreedtoit.
Donoteverletyourselfbesuckeredintosuchathing.BecauseIessentiallyagreedtoplanandperformtwobirthdaypartiesinone
day.ThepoolpartybecameanexerciseinstressasIsearchedforcuteinvitationstomailouttoherfriends,acakethatwouldservethirtykids,coordinatingplatesandstreamerstodecoratethecabanaatthepool,andagiantunicornpiñata.
Oh,that’sright.Notjustanypiñata.Agiantunicorn.Fortunately,Gulley’shusband,Jon,worksonthesouthsideofSanAntonio,
wheretheysellpiñatasonthesideoftheroadonadailybasis.Icommissionedhimtobuymethelargestunicornpiñatahecouldfind.Andifhecouldn’tfindaunicorn,thenahorsewoulddo.Icouldalwaysmakeahornwithmylegendarypiñata-makingskills.
Ormyabilitytogetcreativewithanemptypapertowelrollandsometissuepaper.
Whatever.IknewJonhadtakenmeseriouslywhenhecalledtoletmeknowhe’dfound
awhiteunicornandwasjusttryingtofigureouthowtofititinhiscar.HedrivesanSUV.
Throughsheerwillandpossiblybendingoneofthepapier-mâchéunicornlegs,hewasabletodelivertheunicorntomyhouse.PerryandIpromptlychristeneditUnicornGigantewhileCarolinefellheadoverheelsinlovewithitandspentthetwodayspriortothepartysittingonitlikeitwasabrand-newpetpony.Honestly,Iwasn’tsureifshewasgoingtobeabletodemolishhimwithastickwhenthebigdaycame.
ButIunderestimatedher.WhenIquestionedwhethershewasreadytofilltheunicornwithcandy,shelookedatmeandsaid,“HeisGOINGDOWN.”AndsoIdissectedhimfromthetoptofillhimfullofcandy,figuringwecouldalwaystakeoutasecondmortgage.WestuffedhimfullofNerdsandDumDumsuckersandtapedhimbackup.
WhenItriedtomovehimtothebackdoor,Irealizedhenowweighed
WhenItriedtomovehimtothebackdoor,Irealizedhenowweighedapproximatelyseventy-eightpounds.Iliftedasilentprayertoheaventhattheropewouldholdhim,becausenothingruinsapartymoodfasterthanagiganticunicornhurtlingtotheearthandfrighteningsmallchildren.
Perrycamehometohelpmegeteverythingreadyfortheparty,andIinformedhimthatGigantewasprettysolid.Infact,Iwasworriedthepartyguestsmightnotbeabletobreakhimopendespiterepeatedbeatings.SoPerrytookabutcherknifeandstabbedGiganteafewtimesinthechestjusttoweakenhimalittlebit.
ItwasjustlikethatsceneinGladiatorwhenJoaquinPhoenixstabsRussellCrowewiththatknifebeforetheygooutintotheColosseumtoensurethathewinsthefight.
Exceptweweregoingtoapartyforoursix-year-oldatthepool.Anditwasn’treallythatdramatic.TheRomanEmpirewasn’tatstakeoranything.Bythetimewearrivedatthepooltosetuptheparty,Iwasalready
exhausted.AndwaypastwonderingwhyIeverthoughtitwasagoodideatohostthislargepartyandthenasleepover.
ThepartygoersallarrivedandatebowlsofGoldfishcrackers,dranktheirweightinlemonade,andswamuntilitwastimeforcake.Sadly,Ispentmuchofthistimetreadingwaterinthedeependwithonlyapoolnoodletosupportmebecausesomeofthepartyguestswerequestionableswimmersandyettheirownmothersdidn’tfeeltheneedtowearabathingsuittothepool.NotthatIwasbitteraboutit.I’malwayssuperhappytohaveyourkidjumponmyheadrepeatedly.Goodtimes.
FinallyitwastimetoeatthemermaidbirthdaycakeandtobeattheheckoutofGigante.Andheheldupamazinglywell.Infact,whenallwassaidanddone,onlyhislegbroke,allowingthecandytospilloutwithsomehelpfromPerry,whowasshakinghimvigorouslytospeeduptheprocess.
Andthenitwasallover.Butnotreally,becauseIstillhadtoentertainfivelittlegirlsfortherestofthenight.LittlegirlswhofinishedallthecraftsI’dboughttoentertaintheminsideofthirtyminutesandquicklydemandedthatIgivethemallpedicures.
WhichIwashappytodountiltheyrealizedtheylikedeachother’scolorselectionsbetterthantheirownandaskedmetoredothem.AtthispointI’dbeenpartyingforclosetotwelvehours.Icouldn’tdothatincollegeandcertainlynotwhenI’mstaringdownmylatethirties.Itwastimetocallitanight.
IhelpedthegirlssettleintotheirsleepingbagsandputinamovieinthehopethatitwouldcalmthemdownandletthemdriftofftosleepsoIcould
hopethatitwouldcalmthemdownandletthemdriftofftosleepsoIcouldstaggerofftomyownbedandcollapse.
ButIquicklyrealizedwhyallmyfriends’mothersweresogrumpywhenweweregrowingup.Itwastheslumberparties.Wedrovethemtoit.MostdaysMrs.Jonesprobablydidn’twalkaroundwithascowlonherfacewhilegrowling,“GOTOSLEEP.RIGHT.NOW.”Shewasmostlikelyaperfectlywonderfulwomanwithasweetdisposition.Itwasallourgigglingandourrefusaltouseinsidevoicesthatturnedhermean.
Becausesomewherearound1:00a.m.IbegantochannelMissHanniganfromAnnie.Iwasnolongerkindandfriendly.Icameoutinmyrobe,myhairdisheveled,makingthreatslike,“IFYOUDON’TGOTOBEDRIGHTNOW,I’MTAKINGYOUALLHOME.”IwassecondsawayfromtellingthegirlsIwasgoingtomakethemmopmykitchenflooruntilitshonelikethetopoftheChryslerbuildingwhenthey,mercifully,passedoutfromsheerexhaustion.
AndthenIdidthesame.VowingtomyselfthatIwouldnever,everbethisstupidagain.
Atleastuntilthenextyear.
Chapter21
OneIsn’tAlwaystheLoneliestNumber
I’lltellyousomethingnotmanypeopleknowaboutme.I’mprettysureIinventedFacebook.Oh,sure,youmaybethinkingyoudon’trememberseeingmynameinthe
movieSocialNetworkorhearingmementionedinmediareportsaboutMarkZuckerberg.Andyou’reright.I’venevergottensomuchasamention.YetIknowforafactthatIcameupwiththebasicpremiseforsocialmediaasawholebackin1999,whenIwaspreparingtoattendmyten-yearhighschoolreunion.
AsItriedonvariousoutfitslookingforjusttherightthingtomakemelookbothimpossiblythinandlikeIwasn’ttryingtoohard,IcommentedtoGulleythatIdidn’treallycareanythingaboutmakingsmalltalkwithabunchofpeopleIlargelyhadn’tseenintenyears,butIwishedtherewasawaytojustseearecentpictureofthemwithafewparagraphsaboutwhotheymarried,whattheydoforaliving,iftheyhavekids,andiftheyendedupservinganytime.
(Ifyouwereinmygraduatingclassandarereadingthisbook,I’mnotreferringtoyou.Ilovedcatchingupwithyouandmakingsmalltalkatourten-yearreunion.I’mjusttalkingaboutotherpeople.Peoplewhodon’tfeeltheneedtobuyabookwrittenbyoneoftheirhighschoolclassmates.)
ButIdon’tletmybitternessovernotreceivinganybillionsoreventensofdollarsfrommyinventionkeepmefromgettingonFacebookandlookingaroundonaregular(maybehourly)basis,becauseIamnosyandIlovetoseewhatpeoplehavedonewiththeirlives.EspeciallythepeopleIgrewupwith,sinceweallchangeandgrow,andlifehasawayofturningoutsomuchdifferentfromwhatweimaginedwhenweweresixteenandthoughtwemightbethenextJanePauley,untilwewalkedintoourfirstcommunicationsclassincollegeandhadacynical,bitterprofessortellusthatwehadabetterchanceofbecomingpresidentoftheUnitedStatesthanendinguponnetworknews.
Nice.Dreamkiller.WaytoshapethemindsandheartsoftheyouthofAmerica.Anyway,theonlyproblemwithsocialmediaisthatnowweknowsomuch
aboutpeoplewehaven’tseeninasweetforever.Andthenifweactuallyseetheminperson(likeatareunion),thereisn’tmuchgroundleftforsmalltalk.We
alreadyknowwheretheylive,whotheymarried,andiftheyliketopostpicturesofthemselvesinswimsuitstoshowofftheresultsoftheirlow-carbdiet.Andsowhatdoyoutalkabout?Realstuff?ThefactthatyoudriveaDodgeStratusandthemostexcitingthingthathappenedtoyouinrecentmonthswasagoodreportfromthedentist?Doubtful.
Ifyou’reme,thenyoujustsmileandfeelawkwardforafewminutesbeforeclaimingthatyouneedtogorefreshyourdrinkorgetanotherplateofsausageballs.But,thenagain,mysocialskillsarelegendary.
SoIguessit’spartlybecauseofsocialmediathatIassumemostofmyoldfriendsalreadyknowCarolineisanonlychildandwhyI’mtakenabackwhenanacquaintancegivesmeaquestioninglookofpity/disapprovalwhenItellthemIhaveonechild.
AfewmonthsagoIwasatatailgatepartyandGulleyintroducedmetooneofherhusband’scollegefriends.Wemadesmalltalk(myfavorite!),andheeventuallyaskedmewhatIdidforaliving.IneveradmitI’mawriterbecauseitfeelsweirdandkindofpretentiousandmakesmesoundsmarterthanIreallyam.
(Nottomentionpeopleautomaticallyassumeyouspendalldayinyourpajamas.)
(Rightfullyso.)Imumbledsomethingaboutbeing“justamom.”That’swhenGulleypipedin.“She’sawriter.She’swritingherfirstbook.”NaturallyIglaredatherforexposingmysecretwhileheasked,“What’s
yourbookabout?”Iresponded,“Motherhood.”Andthat’swhenhehitmewith,“Well,youneedtohavemorethanonekid
towriteabookaboutmotherhood.”IreallyhopethebruisefromwhereIkickedhimhealedokay.BecausemaybeI’mdefensiveaboutthewholething.(Yes.Alittle.)(Oralot,dependingontheday.)Butwhodecidedyouhavetohavemorethanonechildtomakeyouareal
mother?Idon’tknowmanywomenwhodidn’thavetheirwholeworldturnupsidedownlikeasnowglobethatsprinkleslove,compassion,andferocitybeyondtheirwildestdreamsthemomenttheirfirstbabywasplacedintheirarms.SomaybeI’mbiased,butIbelievethat’swhenamamaismade.AndI’msureiftherearetwoorthreeorsixmorewhocomeafterthat,thenthefeelingisthesameeachtime.Evenifyou’retootiredtofullyappreciateit.
Maybemydaysaren’tfilledwithcoordinatingschedulesandsportsandhomeworkformorethanonelittleperson,butmyheartisfullwithmyone
homeworkformorethanonelittleperson,butmyheartisfullwithmyonechild.Andtobehonest,Istruggledwithourdecisiontohaveonechildforalongtime.Thismaybepartlyduetothefactmymother-in-lawpredictedwe’donlyhaveone,andIdesperatelywantedtoproveherwrong.Wow.Thatsoundsevenpettiertypedoutthanitdoesinmyhead,butit’sthetruth,soI’mleavingitthereforalltheworldtosee.
I’massumingPerryandIcouldhavehadanotherchildifwe’dtriedagain,andIwanttobetransparentaboutthatsincesomanywomenstrugglewithinfertilityevenafterbeingabletohaveachild.Thiswasanintentionaldecisionwemadebasedonalotofprayerandsecond-guessingandmygettingoverapreconceivednotionthata“realfamily”needstohaveatleasttwokids.Preferablyaboyandagirl.Asetofkids.Likesaltandpeppershakers.
TherewasatimeafterCarolinestartedkindergartenwhenIreallythoughtImightwanttotrytohaveanotherbaby.PerryandItalkedaboutit,andhemadeitclearhewashappywithourfamilythewayitwas,butweagreedwe’dprayaboutitandseewhathappened.IwasconvincedGodwouldchangePerry’sheartonthematter,andIbegantoenvisionhowI’ddecorateanewnursery.
Butasitturnedout,myheartwastheonethatbegantochange.AndIdidn’tgodowneasily.IcriedoverthesurrenderofthefamilyI’dalwaysenvisionedinmyheadandhadtocometoaplacewhereIrealizedGodhadotherplansforus.Truthfully,partofmefeltlikeafailureandwonderedwhyIwasn’toneofthosewomenwhocouldraisesixkidsandhomeschoolallofthemandservemilkandcookieseveryafternooninsomecleverwaylikeallthemomsonPinterestdo.
Ihadtocometotermswiththefactthat,whileIhaveotherstrengths,beingamomtoabunchofkidsmaynotbemygiftconsideringIdon’treallyhandlechaosormesseswellandhavebeenknowntohideintheclosettoletmyinnerintroverttakedeep,cleansingbreaths.IhadtofacewhoIreallyamandwhatI’mequippedtodoversusthepersonIsometimesliketofantasizeIam.It’sliketheinternalstruggleIhavebetweenwantingtogiveawayallmymoneytofeedhungrychildrenandwantingtobuyaLouisVuittonbag.I’dliketobelieveI’mnotshallowenoughtocareaboutthingslikefinehandbags,butthetruthisIkindofdo.AndlikeGulleysays,atleastwhenyou’rewadingintheshallowendoflife,youdon’thavetoworryaboutgettingyourexpensivepursewet.
ButIcametoapointofcontentmentandpeaceaboutCarolinebeingour
ButIcametoapointofcontentmentandpeaceaboutCarolinebeingouronlychildandrealizedwewerealreadyatightlyknitlittlebandofthree.Wewerecomplete.
Andthat’snottosaythattherestillaren’tdaysthatIlongtoholdanotherbabyinmyarms.Infact,therearesomedaysIstillwonderifGodmighthavesomethingorsomeoneelseforus,evenasIhearmybiologicalclocktickingloudly.
(Loudly.)(Attimesitseemstoscream,“You’reforty,sister.”)(Thetrainisabouttoleavethestation.)ButIthinkthat’spartofbeingamother.Onceyou’veheldachildwho
belongstoyouinyourarmsandkissedlittlechubbylegsandlaughedatthosebraceletsoffatandhadalittlepersonholdyourfaceinherhandsandsay,“Iloveyou,Mama,”doyoueverreallygetoverthefeelingthatyou’dliketodoitonemoretime?Imean,sure,Icangetmyselfsomekindoffluffylittledogtodressupandcarryaroundinapurseinstead,butit’snotreallythesame.
SoIguesswhatI’msayingisIdon’tknowthatI’lleverbeabletoputadefinitepunctuationonthesentencethatisourfamily,butrightnowitfeelslikeaperiod.Nopunintended.
IrestinknowingthatGodcouldn’thavechosenachildwhobetterfitsourfamily.HowmanygirlsthinktheperfectChristmasisgettingherveryownpistolandholsterandapairofglitterygoldTOMS?She’stheperfectblendofthetwoofus.ToquotethegreatDonnyandMarieOsmond,she’s“alittlebitcountry”and“alittlebitrockandroll.”
AndsomaybethenexttimeIupdatemystatusonFacebook,I’llwrite,“Yes,weonlyhaveonechild.Butwethinkwegotthebestone.”ThenpeoplewillprobablyunfriendmebecauseI’mobnoxious,andtheywon’tevencarethatI’mtheonewhoinventedthewholethinginthefirstplace.
Chapter22
BrothersfromAnotherMother
Oneofthe(stupid)questionspeopleaskabouthavinganonlychildisifI’mworriedshe’llbespoiled.Becausenoonehaseverknownafamilywiththreekidswhoarealltotallyrotten.Andmyanswerisno.Sure,wemaybeabletogiveCarolinealittlebitmorethanwecouldifshehadsiblings,butwearen’tallowinghertogrowupwithasenseofentitlement.
IwillnotstandforaVerucaSaltinmyhouse.Iamnotafraidtosayno—loudlyandoften.AndItendtosayitloudestthesedayswhenwewalkbyJustice,becausethatisanarrayofsometackymerchandiseperfectlydesignedtoenticelittlegirlswithallthesparklesandthehot-pinkanimalprints.
Godhasgivenmyfamilyoneofthegreatestgiftsanypersoncanhave,whetherwecomefromafamilyofthreeortwenty—friendswhohavebecomefamily.Gulley’sboysgiveCarolineallthebenefitsandangstthatsiblingsprovideforeachother,becausenochildshouldhavetogrowupnotknowingwhatitistofightforherspaceinthebackseatofthecar.
JacksonandWillaretheclosestthingstobrothersshecouldhavewithoutmyactuallygivingbirthtotwoboys.Andbestofall,PerryandIdon’thavetoworryabouthowwe’llkeeptwolargeboysfedduringtheirteenyearsorhowwe’llpayfortheircollege.Totalscore.
SometimesthebestfamiliesaretheonesGodbuildsusingunexpectedpiecesofourhearts.OrlikeIreadonetime,“FriendsareGod’swayofapologizingforyourrelatives.”
Whenwemetmorethantwentyyearsago,Icouldn’thaveimaginedthatsomedayGulleyandIwouldliveamileawayfromeachother,thatwe’dtakeroadtripswithourkids,andthattheywouldloveeachotherasmuchasweloveeachother.Buttheydo.Tothisday,whenweaskthemwhotheywanttoplaywith,theyalwaysrequesteachotherbeforeanyoneelse.
with,theyalwaysrequesteachotherbeforeanyoneelse.Gulley’solderson,Jackson,waseighteenmonthsoldwhenCarolinewas
born.AndIinsistedthatGulleybringhimovertomeetherbythetimeshewasaweekold.GulleywalkedinthedoorcarryingJackson,who’dbeenourbabyupuntilthattime,andallofasuddenhelookedenormous.Whendidhishandsgetsobig?Wasthatfacialhair?Whathappenedtothered-hairedbaby?
He’dbeenreplacedbyanewbaby.Hewasthebigkidnow.IhavethesweetestpictureofGulleyholdinghimwhilehepeekedovertheedgeofCaroline’scribandsawherforthefirsttime.Iliketothinkitwasloveatfirstsighteventhoughitwasprobablyatleastayearbeforehereallyappreciatedher.It’shardtobeenthusiasticaboutsomethingthatjustpoopsandcries—atleastwhenyou’reatoddler.Orathirty-two-year-old.
JacksonandCarolinewerealreadybestbuddiesbythetimeWillcamealong,thankstothecountlesshoursthey’dspenttogetherinGulley’sbackyardwhiletheirmamasdiscussedeverythingfromsleeplessnightstopottytrainingtoourthoughtsonwedgeheels.
ButJacksonandCarolineembracedWill.Hebecame“Brother,”andtheybabiedhimendlessly.FinallyCarolinehadsomeoneshecouldbossaround,eventhoughWillisn’treallyafellowwholikestobetoldwhathecanandcannotdo.Heoncetoldmewhenhewasjusttwoyearsoldthathewas“gonnabustsomebody’stail”iftheoutdoorplaygroundatMcDonald’swasn’topenthatday.
Whentheyallwerelittle,CarolineandIwouldgoovertoGulley’shousealmosteveryafternoon,andthethreeofthemwouldpileintoJackson’sbattery-operatedredJeepandtaketurnsplayingchauffeur.WewatchedovertheyearsastheywerenolongerentertainedbyjustdrivingeachotheraroundandinsteadstartedseeingwhocouldholdontothehoodoftheJeepthelongestwhilethedriverspedthroughtheyardatfullspeedandGulleyandIyelledoutthreatsandadmonitionsaboutthepotentialforatriptotheemergencyroom.
GulleyandIhaveatermweusetodescribedocile,gentlechildren.Wecallthem“cuppourers.”Thenameisderivedfromthelittlekidswhositontheedgeofthebabypoolinthesummertimeandareperfectlycontenttojustfilltheirlittlenestingcupswithwaterandthendumpthemoutandthenfilltheircupsanddumpthemoutwhiletheirmamasgettoengageinenjoyableadultconversationandneverhavetomaketherunofshamearoundthepoolintheirbathingsuitstochaseatoddlerwhohasdecidedtobreakfreefromthebondsofthebabypoolinsearchofdeeperwaters.
ItrieddesperatelytomakeCarolineacuppourer.IevenboughtherthisfabulousplasticCinderellateasettotaketothepoolinthehopeitwouldenticehertositforhoursand“maketea”inthebabypool.(Asopposedtomaking“tee,”whichisanotherfavoritepastimeofthetoddlercrowd.)Butdespiteallour
“tee,”whichisanotherfavoritepastimeofthetoddlercrowd.)Butdespiteallourbestefforts,GulleyandIdidnotgivebirthtocuppourers.Wehavethreekidswhoareconstantlyonthelookoutfortheparty,anyparty.Aslongasthereisfuntobehadorthepotentialtogiveyourmotheraheartattack,they’rein.
Andsoourconstantrefrainsovertheyearsare“You’regoingtoendupinthehospital!”and“Whydidyoukickhim?”and“Didn’tweJUSTSAYthatyoucouldn’tplayinthemud?”Followedcloselyby“Y’allneedtoworkitout.WeallLOVEeachother.”
BecausewhileJacksontendstobethepeacemakerofthegang,WillandCarolinearelikefireandice.We’vealwaysmaintainedthatwewillneverallowthemtodatebecausenoneofuscouldsurvivethedrama.Theyareeithertotallyinlovewitheachotherorthreateningeachotherwithcriesof“I’mgoingtolockyouinthisroomifyoutrytotellonme.”OfcoursePerryoncemadethecommentthatitsoundslikeatypicalmarriagetohim.He’shilarious.
JustafewweeksagowewereallattheLittleLeaguefieldswatchingJacksonplaybaseball.Actually,GulleyandIwerewatchinghimplaybaseball.CarolineandWillwereengagingintheirfavoriteballparkactivity,whichisseeinghowmuchmoneytheycanspendattheconcessionstand.Allofasuddenthetwoofthemcamerunninguptous,anditwaseasytotelltherewassomesortofargumentgoingon.
ApparentlyCarolinehadboughtsomeblueSourPunchStrawsandthenrealizedshehadtogotothebathroom.SosheaskedWilltoholdthemwhilesheranintherestroom,andbythetimeshecameout,hehad“lost”them.WhichIthinkweallknowiscodefor“Ishovedthemallinmymouthanddidn’tthinkabouttheramifications.”
CarolinetoldmehersideofthestorywhileWilltoldGulleyhisside.AndIthinkGulleyandIbothknewexactlywhathappened,butwepleadedthecaseofeachother’schildtoourown.Isaid,“Hemighthavelostthem.Maybehesetthemdownsomewhereandsomeonepickedthemup.Whydon’tyoujustgobuysomemore?”
Meanwhile,IheardGulleyquestioning,“DidyoueatherblueSourPunchStraws?Didyou?Behonest.”
Andhelookedherstraightintheeyeandsaid,“Pleasebelieveme,Mom.Ididn’teatthem.IDIDN’T.”
Sowetoldthemtheyneededtoletitgoandgetalong.CarolineranofftobuyanotherroundofSourPunchStraws,andWilltaggedalongbehindher.Gulleyturnedtomeandsaid,“I’malmostpositivemychildjustliedtomyfaceandhasnosoultoday,butIcan’tproveheatethem,eventhoughI’m98percentsurehedid.”
Itwastheperfectcrime.
Itwastheperfectcrime.ButCarolineandWillworkeditoutandcamebackwithanewpackofSour
PunchStrawsthattheysharedastheywatchedJacksonpitch,andtheycheeredloudlywhenhestruckouttwobattersinarow.ThentheybeggedustoletthemallgohometogetherbecausewehadNOIDEAhowmuchtheymissedeachother.Eventhoughthey’djustspenttwohourshangingoutandfightingandmakingup.Likeatwo-hourspecialepisodeofRealHousewivesofWhateverCity.
Because,attheendoftheday,theyalwaysloveeachother.Whenthey’realltogether,theytakeontheirrespectiveroles.Jacksonisthe
protectivebigbrother.HeoncestareddownalittleboywhohadbeengivingCarolineahardtimeatschool,tellingGulley,“Thatboyisbadnews.”I’mcountingonhimtogethersafelythroughhighschool.Carolinebecomesthemiddlechild,alwayssearchingforawaytomakeeveryonelaughsoshecanbaskinthecenterofattention.Whichhasunfortunatelyresultedinsomemooningincidents.AndWillisthebaby.Onthelookouttomakesureheisn’tbeingwrongedinsomeway,sometimesgettingleftout,butultimatelyalwaysadored.
JacksonandWillhavetaughtCarolinewhatit’sliketohavebrothers.Together,theyloveandtheylaugh.Theywrestleandtheyfight.Theyargueoverwhogetsthebiggestcupcake,andtheyrolltheireyesattheirmotherswhentheythinkwe’renotpayingattentionorsayingsomethingtheydeemtobetotallyembarrassing.
Andinreturn,IbelieveCarolinehastaughttheboysthathavingasistermeansthereisalwaysagoodchancefortearsanddrama,evenwhenyou’renotsurewhatyoudidwrong.Andthathavingagirlaroundmakesyourworldalittlebitsweeter.
Evenifit’sagirlwhocanburpasloudasyou.
Chapter23
LikeaBandofIdiotsWeGodowntheHighway
EverymotherknowsthereasonRobertFrosttooktheroadlesstraveledisbecausehewasn’ttravelingwithchildrenwhoneededtogotothebathroomeverythirtyminutes.OtherwisehewouldhavetakentheroadpavedwithMcDonald’sandtruckstopswithrestrooms,coveredbyantibacterialhandsoapandprayer.Andthatwouldhavemadeallthedifference.
Thereisnootherexperiencethatcanbringafamilytogetherlikehoursspentinthecarwonderingifthepersonnexttoyouisgoingtogetcarsickagain.Ultimatelytheroadtripismuchliketheactualparentingjourney:ittakesyoutonew,unexpectedplaceswhileyoumarvelthatyoujusthadtoaskthequestion,“Whyareyoulickingthebottomofyourbrother’sshoe?”or“Doyouneedtothrowupinthisplasticcupagain?”
Ofcourse,wedon’ttakethenormalfamilyroadtripwhereMomandDadloaduptheGriswoldfamilyTrucksterandhittheopenroad.MainlybecausePerryisn’tabigfanoftravelingunlessitinvolvesmakingtheforty-five-minutetrektotheranchtoshootsomething.Andthatdoesn’tcountasaroadtripinmymindbecausethere’sbarelyenoughtimeinthecartohaveareasontostopandbuysomeCornNutsandaDietCokeatasketchygasstationthatmakesyoufeellikeyoumightbetakingyourlifeintoyourownhands.Nottomentionthetripendswhenallyoucanseeiscactus.
ThefortunatethingisthatGulley’shusband,Jon,isn’treallyupfortheroadtripexperienceeither.Atleastnotthewaywedoit.Gulleyhasactuallycalledmeafterthey’vereturnedfromatriptocomplainthatJondidn’tevenwanttostopforabucketoffriedchicken.Andatthatpointyouhavetoask,“What’sthepointofevengettinginthecar?”WhynotjusttakeaplaneandpaysixdollarsforabagoftrailmixandaquartercupofDietCokeandbedonewithit?
So,aswithmostthingsinlife,GulleyandIhavediscoveredweareroadtripsoulmates.Webelieveintheimportanceofagoodplaylist,frequentstopsforsnacksand/orabucketoffriedchicken,andseeingthesightsalongthewaybecauseyoumaygetonlyonechanceinlifetoseeanactualsnakefarm.(Istillhaven’trecovered.)
OurfirstroadtriptogetherwiththekidswasaboutthetimeWillwasalittle
overayearold,Carolinewasn’tquitethree,andJacksonwasfour.WeloadedupGulley’sSUV,strappedthekidsintheircarseats,sprinkledourselveswithholywater,andheadedtoseeherparents.Mainlybecauseweknewhermomwouldfeedusgoodfoodandhelpuswiththekids,anditwastheclosestthingtoarealvacationwecouldthinkofsincePerryandJonshotdownoursuggestionthatweflytoCozumelforaweekwhiletheykeptthekids.
IthinkwewereaboutthirtyminutesintothedrivewhenWillbegantocrybecausehestillhadtositinarear-facingcarseatandwasn’tonebithappyaboutit.AndthenCarolinebegantocrybecauseWillwascryingandithurtherears.AndthenJacksonbegantocrybecauseitwaslikethatmomentonaturbulentflightwhenyounoticetheflightattendantshaveputupthedrinkcartandarebeginningtoquietlypanic.That’swhenwediscoveredthatGulleyisextremelydexterousasshemaneuveredbackandforthbetweenthefrontandthebackseat,tryingtokeepeveryonehappywhileIcontinuedtodrive,lookingforaplacetostopandbuysomeXanaxfromsomeoneonthestreet.
Butwhenwefinallyarrivedatourdestination,wewereallhappytobethereandthrilledtobetogetherforthreedaysinarow.Soatraditionwasborn.WedecidedrightthenandtherethatwewouldloadupthekidsandourselvesforaweekeverysummertotakeatourofTexas,stoppingatvariouslocationsandattractionsalongthewaybeforereachingourfinaldestination.(Byfinaldestination,ImeanGulley’sparents’houseinBryan,Texas,notheaven.Eventhoughtherehavebeentimeswethoughtthetripmightkillus.)
GulleygrewupinBryan/CollegeStation,homeofmyalmamater,TexasA&MUniversity.IgrewupinHoustonandlaterBeaumont,Texas,butmymommovedtoOklahomaduringmyfreshmanyearofcollege.MydadandmystepmomlivedinHouston,butIneededacloserplacetooccasionallytakeabreakfromthedorm.
SoonceGulleyandIbecamefriendsincollege,Ibeganspendingsomuchtimeatherparents’housethatIwasprettymuchadoptedintoherfamily.OrmaybeIjustkepthangingoutthereuntiltheyhadtocometotermswiththefacttheycouldn’tgetridofme.Becauseyouknowwhatcollegekidslovemorethanjustaboutanything?Besidescheapbeer?Aplacetoeatadelicious,home-cookedmeal,andawasheranddryerwhereyoucandoyourlaundrywithoutstockpilingquartersforweeksonend.
stockpilingquartersforweeksonend.Infact,theremayhaveevenbeenasummerwhenIjustmovedintoher
parents’housebecauseitseemedtomakemoresensethandrivingoverthereeverysingleday.AndIthinkitspeaksvolumesaboutwhatkindofpeopletheyarebecausetheyletme.Andtheyfedme.Theytookmeinandmademetheirown.
MaybethewholethingwasalittlelikethemovieWhataboutBob?ButIchoosetonotexaminethattooclosely.
AlargepartofthefunisthatGulley’sentirefamilyisacastofcharacters,andIlovethemforit.ThematriarchisGulley’sgrandmother,Nena.NenaisthequintessentialSouthernbelle,andshewillbequicktotellyou,“IsubscribetoVogueandHarper’sBazaartokeepupwithallthelatestfashions.”SheworeaponchoandembroideredjeanstoJackson’sbirthdaypartyafewyearsago,andshelookedsogoodthatGranddaddy(herhusbandofsixtyyears,whoissufferingfromalittlebitofmemoryloss)introducedhimselftoheratthepartyandsaidhe’dliketotakeheroutandgettoknowherbetter.
OneofmyfavoriteNenamemoriesistheThanksgivingsheinvitedmythen-boyfriendandmetodinner.WhenIwasinschool,TexasA&MandtheUniversityofTexas(UT)alwaysplayedonThanksgivingDay,soeveryonestayedintowninsteadofgoinghomefortheholiday.
Weshowedupwiththerequestedrelishtray(Iwasn’tevensurewhatthatwas),andsheimmediatelytoldmyboyfriend,“Oh,Ijustloveyoursweater!Ifyoueverdecidetosellthatatagaragesale,youletmeknow.”Gulleywasmortified,butIwashysterical.LateronNenatoldusshedidn’tknowwhatelsetosaybecause“thatboywassogoodlooking,ifhehadaskedmetorunawaywithhim,Iwould’vesaid,‘Holdon,letmegetmypurse!’”BecauseagoodSouthernBaptistwomanmaydecidetorunawayfromhome,butshe’dneverleaveherpursebehind.Whatifsheneededsixtissues,somebreathmints,andeighteentubesoflipstickinanarrayofcolors?
OnenightwhenIwasatGulley’shouse,IendedupsittingnexttoNena,andsherevealedthatshewasinthemarketforanewcar.Shedidn’treallyknowwhatmakeormodel,butshewasinsistentthatitmusthaveasunroof.Isattherethinkinghowchick(asNena’sbestfriendpronouncesthewordchic)Nenawastowantacarwithasunroofateighty-sevenyearsoldandenvisioningherdrivingtotheWinn-Dixiewiththewindinherhair.
Thenshesaid,“Yes,Imusthaveasunroofbecauseonthenewstheyalwaysshowpeoplecaughtinfloodwatersescapingthroughthesunroof.IneedasunroofsoIcangetoutofthecarifI’mcaughtinaflood.”(No,Ihaven’tseenanewsclipofanyonebeingrescuedthroughtheirsunroofeither.)
Iaskedthequestionthatwasoneveryone’smind.“Nena,doyouevendrivewhenit’sraining?”IfeltfairlycertainIknewtheanswer.
“Well...no.Butyoujustneverknow.”UncleJohnnychompedonhiscigarandsaid,“Well,Mama,justmakesureifyou’reevercaughtinrisingwater,youopenthatsunroofbeforethewatergetstoohigh,becauseotherwiseit’snotgoingtoworkanybetterthanthewindows,andthenyou’vewastedgoodmoneyonasunroof.”
LateronUncleJohnnypulledmeaside.“IhatetothinkaboutMamagettingcaughtinaflood,”hesaid,“butI’dpaygoodmoneytoseehertrytogetthroughasunroof.”Whichcompletelysummedupmyfeelingsonthematter.
Eventuallytheconversationturnedfromhowtosurviveafloodtoreligiousmatters.Nenatoldusabouthersearchforanewtelevision.ShesaidshewentintoCircuitCityandtoldthemsheneededthebiggestandbestTVmoneycouldbuyandmoneywasNOOBJECTbecauseherTVisasdeartoherasherBible.
Andwhilewewereonthesubjectofreligion,UncleGlentoldusabouthischurch.UncleGlenlivesinasolar-paneledlogcabininalittletownoutsideofBryan,andasGulley’smamawilltellyou,hewasalwaysalittledifferent.Nenathoughtitwasbecauseshecriedsohardwhenshefoundoutshewaspregnantwithhim.
Butanyway,itseemsthatthechurchheattendedusedtobeChurchofChrist,butmembershipkeptdecliningso“theywheeledinapianoandanorganandchangedthesignoutsidetosaynondenominational,andnowwe’reupto130members.”AndtheywereseriousaboutthenondenominationalpartbecauseduringCommuniontheyputwineintheinnercircleofthetray,alongwithgrapejuicefortheformerBaptistswhostillpreferredtodrinkintheprivacyoftheirownclosets.
Theonlyflawinthenew,improvednondenominationalchurchwasthattheydiscoveredthattheirpreacher,aftereightyearsofmarryingandburyingvariousmembersofthecongregation,wasn’tlicensedorordained.Theremightbesomefolkslivinginsindespitethebestofintentions.
ButI’msureit’ssomeconsolationthattheyhadlovelyorganmusicduringtheceremony.
Ifeveryonehadanadoptiveextendedfamilylikethat,IamconvincedDisneyWorldwouldgobankrupt.BecauseinadaywheneveryonefeelslikeyouhavetosellthefamilyfarmtogetyourkidstotheMagicKingdombytheageoftwo,Ibelieveit’saboutthesimplethingsinlife.Goodfriends,family,junkfood,andyelling,“Don’tmakemehavetopullover!”
IwantmydaughtertogrowupwithanappreciationfortheopenroadandtouringthestatecapitalinAustinorstoppinginWacojustsothekidscanseetheBaylorBearordrivingtoDallastoridethecitymetrobusandtakeourlives
theBaylorBearordrivingtoDallastoridethecitymetrobusandtakeourlivesinourownhands.
Anold-fashionedroadtripoffersalittlebitofpureAmericanathatcangetlostinthisfast-pacedworldwherewefeellikeweneedtocompetewiththeJoneses.Iguaranteeourkidshavehadasmuchormorefunonourlittleadventuresthansomepoorkidwhohasbeensubjectedtothe“Wearegoingtohavefunifitkillsusbecausethiscostusafortune”mentalitythatmoreexotictripscanbring.
Normallyit’saboutathree-hourdrivefromSanAntoniotoCollegeStation—ifyoumakethedrivewithoutanychildreninthecar.Forus,ittakesaboutthesameamountoftimeittooktheIngallsfamilytomakeitacrosstheMidwesternplainsinthedeadofwinterastheyfoughtwolves,Indians,andthebittercold.
UsuallyatthehalfwaypointwestopatMcDonald’ssothekidscanusethebathroomandorderaHappyMealtogetthefreetoyandeathalfaChickenMcNuggetandfourpapercupsfilledwithketchup.
ButGulleyandIoftenfeelwecan’tstomachanothermealatMcDonald’s.Wearegrownwomen.Weneedsomethingalittlemoresophisticated,alittlemorerefined.
Sowemakearunfortheborder.WhichforusisatruedelicacybecauseTacoBellsarenexttononexistent
whenyouliveinSanAntonio,Texas—hometoover852Mexicanrestaurants.InspiteoftheeasyaccesstosomeofthebestMexicanfoodintheworld,
GulleyandIstillcraveTacoBellfromtimetotime.Whichjustgoestoshow,youcantakethegirlsoutofEastTexas,butyoucan’ttakeEastTexasoutofthegirls.
ThisstopisalsoourchancetoloaduponDietCoketofortifyusfortheremainderofthetripbecausebythispointwe’reusuallybeginningtoquestionoursanityandwonderhowonechildcanask,“Arewethereyet?”atfive-secondintervals.
Thekidsneverdisappointusinthatregard.Usuallywe’reinthecaronlyaboutfourminutesbeforeoneofthemasks,“Howmuchlongeruntilwegetthere?”
Ireply,“We’llgettherewhenwegetthere.Don’taskusthateveryfive
minutes.”“Okay...buthowmuchlongertillwegetthere?”Thegoodnewsistheyonlyaskaboutforty-twomoretimesoverthecourse
ofthreehours.Andinbetweentheyalternatewhichtwoofthemaregoingtoannoytheotheroneuntilthatonedecidestotellontheothertwo.ThentheyinterruptGulleyandmetoratouttheirfellowman.Whattheydon’tknowisthatGulleyandIdecidedalongtimeagowewouldhaveastrictpolicyoftellingthem,“Workitoutyourselves,”becausewe’retoobusydiscussingwrinklecreamsandourhairtogetinvolvedintheirbackseatdrama.
AfteroneofourvisitstoBryanitwasabouttimetoheadhome,butGulleyandIweren’tinanyhurrytogetontheroad,sowedecidedtotakethekidstoanearbysplashpadtoburnsomeenergybeforewegotinthecar.Willdecidedhe’drathergowithHoney,whichiswhatthekidscallGulley’smama,tovisitNenabecauseNenastyleshishairforhimwhenhevisitsandhe’safanofthegelledcoiffure.SoGulleyandItookCarolineandJacksontoplayinthewater,whichwasagreatideauntilCarolinefellandskinnedherkneeandthetopofherfoot.
Youwouldhavethoughtwe’djustamputatedherlegwithadullbutterknife.Shewasactuallyfineuntilshesawtheblood,andthenshegotthevapors.WelefttheparktopickupChick-fil-AforlunchwhileCarolinecontinuedtomoanaboutherinjuryandthecrueltyoflife.ItwaslikeamonologuefromaLifetimemovieandfinallyendedwithmyinterruptinghertotellthestoryofthelittleboywhocriedwolf.I’mnotsureitwasentirelyrelevanttothesituation,butitwasthefirstfablethatcametomind,sinceIdidn’trecallanyaboutalittlegirlwhosemamaleavesherinBryan,Texas,becauseshe’sbeingadramaqueen.
Finallywegotthekidsbackandsettledatthetabletoeattheirlunch.AllwaswelluntilHoneywalkedinwithNenaandWill.Carolinerealizedshehadafreshaudienceforhertaleofwoe,gotupfromthetable,andbegantohopovertowheretheystoodwhileshesaidinhermostpitifulvoice,“Honey,I’mnothoppingbecauseIwantto,butbecauseIfellandscrapedmyknee.”
Didshenotlearnanythingfrommyrecountingthetaleofthelittleboywhocriedwolf?
ItoldhertositdownandeathernuggetsbeforeIstartedinonanotherfable,perhapsoneinvolvingchildrenwhoaren’tfortunateenoughtospendpartof
perhapsoneinvolvingchildrenwhoaren’tfortunateenoughtospendpartoftheirsummervacationridingthetraininWaco,Texas.
Afterthekidsfinishedeatinglunchandgotupfromthetable,Nenaleanedovertomeandwhispered,“Carolineseemstoenjoyillhealth.”Gulleymouthedtomeacrossthetable,“Ittakesonetoknowone.”
Nenaisherselfafanofanytypeofillness.Infact,ifyouaskedher,she’dtellyoushehashadsixsurgeriesinthepasttwoyearseventhoughthreeofthosewererootcanals.
Eventuallywegotontheroad.(IwishIwerekiddingwhenItellyouIhadtocarryCarolinetothecarbecauseofherinjury.)Everythingwasgoingsmoothlyuntilwestoppedforapottybreakandthekidsallbeggedtogetsomethingtodrink.Clearlywewerealittleoffourgamebecauseweleteachofthemgettheirowntwenty-four-ouncebottleofGatorade.Then,becauseIamanidiot,Igotinthecarandmadethedumbestdeclarationofalltime.
Iturnedaround,lookedeachkidintheeye,andsaid,“Wearenotmakinganymorestops.Donotdrinkmorethanwhatyouneedtodrinkbecausetherewillbenomorepottystops.Irepeat:therewillbenomorepottystops.Drinkonlywhatyouneed.”
Genius.Aboutfiveminuteslater,GulleyandIweredeepinconversationinthefront
seatwhenweheardsomecheeringandyellingcomingfromthebackseat.Weturnedaroundtoseewhatwasgoingon,andIkidyounot,CarolineandWillwerehavingaGatoradechuggingcontesttoseewhocouldfinishtheirbottlefirst.
Myfirstthoughtwasthattheirabilitytodrinktwenty-fourouncessoquicklydoesnotbodewellfortheircollegeyears.MysecondthoughtwastowonderifIneededtotakeCarolinetothedoctortogetherhearingchecked.
Sureenough,wehadtostopfifteenminutesfromhomeataquestionabletruckstopsothosetwoclownscouldgotothebathroom.Rumorhasittheyeachwentforaboutfourminuteswithoutstopping.
Whenwewerefinallyaboutsixblocksfrommyhouse,Willannouncedheneededtogoagain.GulleyandIbothsaid(maybeyelled),“Youcanholdit.It’sjustsixblocks.”IpulleduptomyhouseandhandedGulleymyhousekeyssoshecouldtakeWilltothebathroomwhileIunloadedthecar.
Butitwastoolate.Willhadlethimselfoutandwashappilypeeingintheyardrightoutsidemy
house,whichconsideringwewereinthemidstofadrought,wasn’tnecessarilyabadthing.
Unlessyou’rethepersoninablackSuburbanwhodrovebyintimetoseethewholething.
thewholething.
Overtheyearswehaveenduredcarsickness,fightsoverwhoatemoreCheetosoutofthecommunitybag,andtearsbecausesomeonewasbeltingoutJonBonJovi’s“Livin’onaPrayer”tooloudlyandithurtsomeoneelse’sdelicateears.Alongtheway,GulleyandIhavedecidedthereisreallynobetterindicatoryou’reamotherthanacquiringtheabilitytocatchthrow-upinaplasticbag,disinfectyourhands,andimmediatelyaskyourfriendtopassthebeefjerkyasyouputonanotherTaylorSwiftsongandactasifnothinghashappened.It’sauniqueskillset.
Therehavebeentimeswhenwe’vebeendesperatetogethomeandwonderedwhyweeverthoughtthiswasagoodideaaswelookedforaplacetostopandtakeabreakfromthecar,onlytofindthere’snotanearbygasstationorconveniencestorearound—orafiredepartmentwherewecandropoffthekidsandseeifthey’retoooldtobeplacedforadoption.
Andtherehavebeentimeswe’vehadsomuchfunwethinkwemightwanttobuyanRVandjusttravelcross-countryallthetime.EventhoughIamkiddingmyselfifIbelieveIcouldeverlearntoparkanRV.
Butthefamilyroadtriphasbecomeatradition.Wespendallyeardiscussingwherewewanttogonextsummerandwhatwe’dliketoseealongtheway.Becauseforusit’snotaboutthedestinationasmuchasitisaboutthejourney.AjourneythatinvolvesstoppingalongthewaytosmelltherosesorseeasnakefarmordrivethroughaTexaszoothatturnsouttohaveonlyabunchofcattlegrazinginafield—asifthat’sexotic.Andwelaughandweargueandwehavemomentswherewecouldalluseatime-out.
Therearetimeswhen,ifourdrivewasanyindicationofwhatMaandPaIngallswentthrough,theLittleHousebooksshouldhavecontainedtheline“AndthenPakickedusoutofthewagon,leftusontheprairie,andsaid,‘GoodLuck.’”
ButIguaranteewe’llbebackontheroadthissummer.AndeverysummerafterthatuntilthekidsaregrownandGulleyandIcanfinallytakethattriptoCozumel.
(AndIbetwe’llbealittlesadaboutit.)(Atleastuntiltheybringusourfruitydrinkswiththeumbrellasaswelieout
bythepool.)
Chapter24
TheDreamoftheWheatiesBox
Afriendoncetoldmethattheworstpartabouthavingchildrenisvisitingallthethemeparks.Idisagree.Ifindthethemeparksfairlyfunaslongasthetemperatureislessthanonehundreddegrees.Ithinktheworstpartisalltheextracurricularactivitiesandthesocialpressuretobeinvolvedineverything.Whendidmotherhoodbecomeacompetitivesport?
Imean,can’tIgetmykidpottytrainedbeforewedecideifshehaswhatittakestobeanOlympicathlete?OrhavewereachedapointwhereweinvestthousandsofdollarsandcountlesshoursongymnasticsclassesbecausewesawourtoddlerrolldowntheslideattheMcDonald’sPlayPlaceandfeelit’sasureindicatorofherfutureathleticability?
Don’tgetmewrong—I’vebeenguiltyofthesamething.Carolinelearnedtoswimbeforeshewastwoyearsold,andIremembermanydaysbythepoolsmilingatothermomswhowerejammingfloatiesontheirkids’armswhileIstruggledwithaninordinateamountofpride,morethanslightlyconvincedIhadgivenbirthtoachildwhowasclearlygoingtobeonthefrontofaboxofWheatiesbythetimeshewasthirteen.
Thereisnothinglikesportsandacademicsandeveryotheractivitytobringoutsomelatentcompetitiveinstinctwedidn’tevenknowwehad.Anditdoesn’thelpthatweliveinasocietythatthinksit’stotallynormaltohaveyourchildenrolledinguitarlessonsandunderwatermacraméclassesbyhersecondbirthday,lestshefallbehindinherareaofgiftedness.
Inotherwords,we’reallcrazy.FromthetimeIfirstlearnedIwashavingababygirl,IdreamedofthedayI
couldsignherupforballetclassanddressherinapale-pinktutu.Soassoonassheturnedthreeyearsold,IsignedCarolineupforaweeklyballetclass.Which,soonafter,becameknownasmyweeklybeating.
Oh,sure,shelovedthetapshoesandtheballetslippers.Shelovedtheleotardsandthetutus.Shelovedwatchingherselfinthemirrorassheperformedallsortsofdancemoves—noneofwhichhappenedtobethesameroutinetheclasswasactuallydoing.
ButbecauseIhadadeep-seatedneedtoseemybabygirlperforminadancerecital,andbecauseIamconstantlysearchingforwaystomakemylifemore
recital,andbecauseIamconstantlysearchingforwaystomakemylifemoredifficult,IsignedheruptoparticipateintherecitalandwroteacheckformoremoneythanIcaretoadmittopayforthecostume.
WhatIenvisionedwasadelicatelittlepinktutuwithyardsandyardsoftulle.Therealitywasahot-pinkcostumewithglaringpolkadots,completewithahugeneon-yellowbowforthetopofherhead.ItwasacostumethatwouldcauseCharotosay,“Wow.It’salittlegaudy.”
(DoesanyoneelserememberwhenCharousedtobeonTheLoveBoatalmosteveryweek?The’70swasanawesometimeforinappropriatetelevisionshowsthatkidshadnobusinesswatching.)
Ibarelysurvivedthatyearofballet.Infact,it’shardtotalkaboutevennow.It’sasifsomelatent-stagemotheringtendenciesroseupinmeandcaused
metoactlikeaninsaneperson.Nextthingyouknew,Icouldhavefoundmyselfsittingbackstage,saying,“Sweetie,putdownthesippycupandlet’sgetthiseyelineronbeforewetakeoutyourhotrollersandteaseyourhair.Anddon’tforgettouseyoursparklefingers!”
IweptwithreliefwhenCarolineannouncedshewasdonewithballet.Butafterayearoff,shedecidedtoreenterthedancearena.
Isupportedherbecausethat’swhatparentsdo.It’sjustlikewhenmymamaboughtmethosenewrollerskateswithgreenwheelsandastopperbecauseIhadsetmysightsonbecomingaprofessionalrollerskater.IblamethemovieXanaduforthatill-fatedcareerambition.Butatleastthatwasbetterthanmyotherambition,whichinvolvedbeingthebestmechanical-bullrideratGilley’sandwearingwhitecowboybootsundermyweddingdress,courtesyofUrbanCowboy.
WhenIsignedCarolineupforlessonsthesecondtimearound,theinstructorinformedmethatCarolinewouldhavetoretaketheclassforbeginnersbecauseshe’dsatoutforayear.Everyoneknowstheyearyouturnfouriscrucialforproperdancemechanics.
Iwasokaywithitbecauseitseemedtobedancestudiopolicy,butonthedayofherfirstlesson,Inoticedshewasaboutafoottallerthananyoftheotherlittlegirlsinherclass.
Also,shewasoneoftheonlyonesnotwearingaHuggiesPull-Up.Shethoroughlyenjoyedtheclassthefirstweekbecausesheknewallthe
music,plusshewaskindofthestaroftheshow—iffornootherreasonthanshedidn’ttee-teeinherleotard.Butafterthenextweekshetoldmeshedidn’twanttobeinaclasswithbabies.
IcalledthedancestudioandexplainedCarolinewastheonlyfive-year-oldinaclassofthree-year-olds.Wasthereanywayshecouldmoveuptotheclasswiththeotherfive-year-olds?Theytoldmetoshowupforourscheduledclass
withtheotherfive-year-olds?Theytoldmetoshowupforourscheduledclassandtheywouldevaluateherabilitiestoseeifshecouldbepromoted.
Whatexactlywereweevaluating?HerabilitytoholdBarneyinfrontofherwhileshepointedhertoeouttotheside?Ormaybeherabilitytopretendtobeafiretruckasthewholeclassranscreamingaroundtheroomintheirlittleballetshoes?OrperhapsherproperuseofthefakebinocularsastheyplayedthethemesongfromDoratheExplorer?
Youjustknowthat’sexactlyhowBaryshnikovgothisstart.Igentlyexplainedtotheinstructorthatitwasn’tsomuchaboutherbrilliant
interpretationofDoratheExplorerleapingthroughtherainforestasmuchasthefactthatsheknewhowtogotothebathroombyherself.Andwiththosekindsofloftyballetgoals,IknewthatitwasjustamatteroftimebeforeshewontheroleofSugarplumFairy.
EventuallythedanceteacheragreedtopromoteCarolinetothefive-year-oldclasseventhoughsheletmeknowshewasveryconcernedwehadfallentoofarbehindinour“dancecareer.”
Ourdancecareer?Areyouserious?Doyouthinkthatpotbelliedfive-year-oldwhopickshernosethroughoutthe
entireclassisgoingtohaveadancecareerjustbecausehermamaoperatesatahigherlevelofdenialthanIdoandcontinuestoforkoutpreciousmoneyfordanceclassesyearafteryear?Doubtful.Whateverhappenedtojusttwirlingaroundwithyourfriendsinatututhatmakesyoufeelprettyandgivesyourmomsomenicephotoopsforthefamily?Isn’tthatwhatdanceissupposedtobe?
Anyway,itallturnedouttobefornothingbecauseCarolinedecidedtwoweekslaterthatshewantedtoquitdanceonceandforall.Irealizesomepeoplebelieveyoushouldmakeyourkidsstickwithsomethingoncethey’vecommittedtoit,andIagreewiththat,toapoint.ButnottothepointthatIwaswillingtosubjectbothofustocompletemiseryforthenexteightmonths.Sometimes,inthelegendarywordsofKennyRogers,yougottoknowwhentofold’em.
Andsoourdancecareercametoanend.
Laterthatfall,Carolinerealizedsomeofthekidsinherkindergartenclasswereplayingsoccer,andsheannouncedthatifsheonlyhadonewish,thatwish
playingsoccer,andsheannouncedthatifsheonlyhadonewish,thatwishwouldbetonothavealamemomwhohadn’tsignedherupforasoccerteam.Shedidn’tactuallysaythatoutloud,butshesaiditwithhereyes.
I’ddebatedsigningherupforsoccerbutultimatelydecidedthatjustmakingittokindergartenfivedaysaweekwasenoughofatransitionandtherewasnoneedtoaddaSaturdaymorningcommitment.
Whenspringcame,wesignedupforT-ballbecauseIrealizedthataninevitablepartofparenthoodinvolvesspendingatleastthirteenyearsofSaturdayscheeringfromvarioussidelines.AndItookcomfortinknowingI’dbeabletosleepinagainatsomepointin2021.
Thiswasourfirstforayintosports,anditwasokay.Ienjoyedvisitingwiththeotherparents,andCarolinelikedbeingpartofateamandwearingauniform,eventhoughshedidn’treallycareforT-ballbecause“there’stoomuchsittingarounddoingnothing.”
SothefollowingfallIsignedherupforsoccer.Idon’tknowifI’veevermentionedthis,butIplayedsoccerinhighschool.
Ifyouwanttoknowwhatthatlookedlike,allyouneedtodoispictureMiaHamm.Andthenpicturetheoppositeofthat.
Myhighschoolhadformedabrand-newgirls’soccerteammysenioryear,andIbasicallymadeitbecausethey’dorderedtwelveuniformsandonlyelevengirlsshowedupfortryouts.TheonlyreasonIshowedupinthefirstplacewasbecauseIfeltlikeIneededanotherextracurricularactivityonmycollegeapplicationstooffsettheglaringfactI’dhadtotakeAlgebraIItwice.
Sadly,Ispentmostoftheseasonsittingonthebenchbecausethecoachseemedtohaveissueswithmytendencytostoprunningaftertheballtoretiethebowinmyponytail.Therewasalsothattimeshetriedtoteachmetodoaheader,andIduckedandscreamed.Itjustseemsunnaturaltohitaballwithyourhead.Onpurpose.
Anyway,IfilledoutalltheregistrationformsforCarolineandreceivedane-maillettingusknowthey’dreceivedourformsandourcoachwouldbeintouchtoletusknowaboutpracticeandwhatever.Butastheseasondrewcloserandwestillhadn’theardanything,Istartedtogetalittleworried.Then,finally,wegotane-mailthatannouncedCarolinewasassignedtoateambutnoonehadvolunteeredtobethecoach.
Ithinkyouallknowhowthisisgoingtoend.Perrycamehomeattheendoftheday,andItoldhimthenews.Weagreed
thatwe’dwaitandseewhathappenedovertheweekend.Maybesomeoneelsewouldvolunteer.ItwastotallylikethatsceneinFootloosewhereKevinBaconandthatotherguyareplayingchickenwiththetractorstoseewhowoulddrive
offtheroadfirst,exceptinourcasetherewerenotractorsorcoolsoundtrackinvolved.Yetmakenomistake:wewereholdingoutforahero.
OnMondayIe-mailedthecoordinatortoseeifanyonehadofferedtocoachtheteam(Iamalwaystheonetodriveofftheroadfirst),andheresponded,“Noonehasvolunteered.WereallyneedsomeonetoSTEPUPandcoachtheteam.”Hetotallythrewdowntheall-capsSTEPUPguiltgauntlet.
WhenPerrywalkedinthedoorlaterthatmorning,Iasked,“Howdoyoufeelaboutuscoachingsoccer?Doyouthinkwecouldcoach?”Helookedatmeandsaid,“Butneitheroneofusknowsanythingaboutsoccer.”
“Ido!Iplayedsoccerinhighschool!”“LikeIsaid,neitheroneofusknowsanythingaboutsoccer.”“Well,they’reonlysixyearsold,andtheydon’tevenuseagoalie.The
coordinatorsaysallwehavetodoisteachthemtorunupanddownthefieldwhilekickingtheball.”
Sold.OncePerryrealizeditwasn’tsomuchcoachingasitwasherding,hewas
readytomakethesoccercoachcommitment.Ie-mailedtheguybackandtoldhimwewould“STEPUP.”ThenIturnedtoPerryandsaid,“Oh,bytheway,I’mnotgoingtobehereforthefirstgame,soyou’reonyourown.”Sucker.
Bythetimewehadourfirstpractice,PerrywaslikeasoccercoachingproeventhoughherefusedwhenIaskedifhewantedmetobuyhimsomeroyal-bluecoachingshortsandanairhornwhileIwasattheAcademy.Buthedidhaveorangeconesandeverything.SowhilehisOldNavycargoshortsdidn’tscreamcoach,thepresenceoforangeconestotallymadeupforit.
IjustknewCarolinewasgoingtobethrilledwewerecoachingherteam,andIcouldn’twaittotellherwhenIpickedherupfromschoolonMonday.“Guesswhat?”Isaid.“DaddyandIaregoingtocoachyoursoccerteam!”
“Arey’allgoingtobetheonlycoaches?”“Yes.We’retheonlycoaches.”“Well,thatmightbealittleembarrassing.”Perfect.You’renotevenfourteenyet,kid.Youdon’tknowembarrassing.ButshechangedhertunewhenItoldhershecouldpickourteamname,and
sheimmediatelywantedtochristenustheRainbowUnicorns.Itoldherthat,whileitwasanawesometeamname,itmightbealittlehardforourfanstocheer“GoRainbowUnicorns!”Rumorhasitthat’swhymoreprofessionalmen’steamsdon’tusethename.
SowebecametheRainbows.AndthenweweretheCheetahGirls.AndthenweweretheMagic.Injustoneseason,wehadmorenamesthanPrince.ButCarolinehadfounda
Injustoneseason,wehadmorenamesthanPrince.ButCarolinehadfoundasportshereallyenjoyed,andItriednottoletthepressuregettomewhenotherparentsstartedtalkingaboutacademicscholarshipsandOlympicgoldmedals.
Howaboutweteachthemhowtospellcerealbeforewedecideit’stimetoputtheirphotoontheoutsideoftheWheatiesbox?
Chapter25
AdorableCookieSalespersoninPolyester
Theschoolyearhadn’tevenstartedyetwhenIreceivedane-mailaskingifIwasinterestedinsigningCarolineuptobepartofaBrownietroop.
No.No,Iamnot.ButifIsaidthat,itwouldbelikeadmittingIhatepuppiesandboxesoffried
chickenwithasideofmashedpotatoes.PossiblyeventheUnitedStatesofAmericaanddemocracy.EventhoughtechnicallytheUnitedStatesisarepublic.SinceCarolinewasonlygoingintofirstgrade,Iwantedtoremaininthecategoryofnon-ostracizedsociety(mylackofservicewithinthePTOalreadyhadusonthebrink),somyresponsewasvague.
(IcouldwriteanentirebookonthePTOandallthewaystheyaremastersinguiltwarfareandwillworkyoutotheboneiftheysensetheslightestbitofweakness.)
(Mybestadvicetoyoubeforeyourchildenterselementaryschool?Learntosayno.Especiallyifitinvolvesanythingthatendsinthewords-a-thon.)
Ireplied,“I’mnotsureifwecancommittoanotheractivity,andIcertainlywouldn’thavetime[orasufficientamountofXanax]toleadtheBrownietroop,butkeepmepostedandwe’llseeifitworksout!”(Ithoughttheexclamationpointwasanicetouch.ItconveysthatI’mexcitedaboutthepossibility!Yetnoncommittal!)
Mystrategywastwofold:iftheyweresimplylookingforsomesuckertobetheleader,they’dknowIwasnobody’spatsy.AndifadditionalmessagesmademesuspecttheymightbethetypeofBrownietroopthatwouldengageinquestionablebehaviorslikecampingintheactualoutdoorsorhelpingsavetheenvironment,thenI’dhavetheheads-uptoletthemknowourschedulewascompletelypackedwithotherthingsandwewerejustsickabouthavingtoturndowntheBrownies.
Timewentby,schoolstarted,andIneverheardanotherword.JustwhenIstartedtogetacomplexaboutwhyCarolineandIweren’tgoodenoughforBrownieTroop3009,Ireceivedaphonecallinformingmewewerein.
MycelebrationwasshortlivedonceIrealizedtheyusedthephrase,“Congratulations,you’reinourBrownietroop.”HadtherebeensomesortofsecretBrownierushIdidn’tknowabout?Hadtheycheckedourcredentialsand
secretBrownierushIdidn’tknowabout?HadtheycheckedourcredentialsandevaluatedthesturdinessofCaroline’slegstoseeifshewouldbeabletowalkamiletosellSamoas?
(AndbySamoas,ImeanthepopularGirlScoutcookie,notthepeople.)(AlthoughnowthatIthinkaboutit,Ibelievetheyarereferredtoas
Samoans.Whateverthecase,they’relovelypeopleandtheyalsomakeadeliciouscookie.)
TherewasanintroductorymeetingforthemothersofpotentialBrownies,soIdecidedIshouldattendandgetalittlemoreinformationaboutthetroop.Ihadnoideathismeetingwouldinvolvemorethansippingacupofcoffeeandeatingapastrybutinsteadwouldrequirecompletinganenormousfilefolderofpaperwork.ApparentlybeingpartoftheGirlScoutsofAmericaissimilartoenteringtheCIAbutwithmorebackgroundchecks.
IsattheretryingtocomeupwithexcusesforwhyIneededtoleave,thefirstbeingmysilentsufferingfromanextremecaseofcarpaltunnelsyndrome,butIcouldn’tpulloffagracefulexit.Plus,Icouldn’thelpbutthinkthatCarolinemightreallyenjoybeingaBrowniesincetherewasadaybackin1977whenIproudlyworethebrownuniform.
AndwhenIsay“worethebrownuniform,”IfeelIshouldclarifyI’mreferringtomyowntenureasaBrownie,notmycareerasaUPSdriver.NotthatIeverwasaUPSdriver,buttherewasadaywhenIwonderedifIcouldmakealivingdrivingoneofthosebig,browntrucks.IcallthatdaythedayImadea13onanexaminmyinterculturalcommunicationsclass.
MyaffiliationwiththeBrownieslastedforonlyoneschoolyear.Wemetonceamonthattheneighborhoodclubhouse.Ilookedforwardtoourmeetingsnotonlybecausewegottotie-dyeshirtsandpaintceramicturkeysbutalsobecauseIgottocarpoolwithmyfriendJodi,andhermomdroveoneofthosesweetwood-paneledstationwagonswiththeseatthatfacedbackward.ThatcarmademefaceuptothedeprivationofmychildhoodandalltheunfairnessthatcomeswithhavingamomwhopreferredtodriveaBuickLeSabre,otherwiseknownastheBlueSedanofNoFun,completewithJimmySwaggarteight-tracktapesforourlisteningenjoyment.
TothisdayIcan’tsitonavelourseatwithoutfeelingthejudgmentandcondemnationofpassingupatearfulaltarcallsettopianomusic.
IhadspentmyyearinBrowniesmakingbirdfeedersfrompineconesandmakingfacesatthecarsbehinduswhileIrodeinthebackofMrs.Jones’sstationwagon.EverythingwasfineuntilthedayafellowcarpoolmembertookituponherselftoinformusthattherewasnoSantaClaus.FromthatdayonIwantednothingmoretodowithBrownies.Obviouslytheywereallabunchofliarsbecausehowcouldyoudoubtthevalidityofamanwhowearsaredsuit
liarsbecausehowcouldyoudoubtthevalidityofamanwhowearsaredsuitandcomesdownyourchimneyonceayearwhileheleaveshisflyingreindeerparkedonyourroof?Whatelsewouldyouliketotellmeisn’treal?Thetoothfairy?SonnyandCher’smarriage?DonnyOsmond’sabilitytoseemethroughtheTV?
ButIdidn’twantmytaintedexperiencetokeepCarolinefrombeingaBrownieifitwassomethingshereallywantedtodo.SothatnightIasked,“DoyouwanttojoinaBrownietroop?”
“WhatareBrownies?”“Well,it’sagroupofgirlswhowearthesebrownvestsanddocraftsand
singsongs.”(AndtellpeoplethatSantaClausisn’treal.)“Okay.”HowcouldIsaynotothatpassionateresponse?Iturnedinallthe
paperwork,andweofficiallybecamepartofTroop3009.ThenIreceivedane-mailfromthetroopleaderexplainingwe’dneedtogo
totheGirlScoutheadquarterstopurchaseouruniform,whichisreallyaninsulttouniformseverywhere,becausesincewhendoesabrownvestmadeoutofpoly-blendconstituteauniform?Whathappenedtothebeanieandtheshortsthatwouldputyouintherapy?
ButIboughtthevestandthenumbersandafewobligatorypatchesthatwereallsoldundertheguiseofbeingiron-onsbecausetheGirlScoutsofAmericaareshrewdandknowtheirlittletroopsofcookiepusherswouldbedecimatedifmothersrealizedthey’dactuallyhavetosewonthepatches.(And,no,Ididn’tsewonthepatches.That’swhatsafetypinsandsupergluearefor.HowamIgoingtohavetimetopluckmyeyebrowsifI’mtakingremedialsewingcoursestoshowmehowtosewonBrowniepatches?)
OneofthequalitiesthatsoldmeonjoiningthisparticularBrownietroopwasthepromisethatitwouldbealow-maintenancetroop.We’dmeetthefirstFridayofeverymonth,andtwomotherswouldtaketurnshostingthemeeting.Thefirstmeetingwentfine.ItwaswhataBrowniemeetingshouldbe,whichistosaythatthegirlsmadebraceletsoutofemptytoiletpaperrollsandribbon,dranksomeCapriSuns,andhadafewcookies.Perfect.Lowmaintenance,justaspromised.
Butthencamethenextmeeting.Itwasbilledasafocusonpromotingahealthylifestyle.Andhonestly,I’m
notopposedtoahealthylifestyle,aslongasnooneexpectsmetoeatacarrot.Whatyouchoosetoputinyourdigestivetractisyourownpersonalbusiness,sopleasedon’tjudgemeformyloveofMrs.Baird’sCinnamonRollsandTaterTots.
Tots.Wearrivedatthemeeting,andIimmediatelyknewIwasinovermyhead
whenIsawfourteenyogamatsformedinasemicircle.Andworse,uponcloserinspection,Idiscoveredtheywereeachpersonallymonogrammed.Oneverymattherewerelittlehot-pinkboxesthatresembledChinesetakeoutcontainersfilledwithsomeassortmentofdriedsnackmix.Whattheactualheck?WasthisaBrowniemeetingoranepisodeofTheMarthaStewartShow?
Themominchargeofthemeetingaskedthegirlstositontheiryogamatsandwatchwhilesheputonayogademonstration.Sure,itwasimpressivethatshecouldbalanceherentirebodyweightonherhead,butitdidn’treallyseemlikethebestmovetoteachtoagroupofimpressionable,uncoordinatedfirstgraderswhoseparentsmightnotwanttospendafortuneinchiropractictreatments.I’malsonotsurethattheoriginalyogagurusintendedfortheirmeditativeposestobeperformedwhilelisteningtoMileyCyrusbeltout“PartyintheUSA.”
Aftertheyogademonstrationwasover,thehostmothersfilledthegirlsinontheimportanceofdentalhygiene.Itshouldhavebeennosurprisethateachgirlreceivedherveryownlight-uptoothbrushthatblinksfortheamountoftimeyoushouldbrushyourteeth.WetookhomemorepartinggiftsthanacontestantonThePriceIsRight.
Actually,that’snottrue,becauseIamamasterofThePriceIsRight.AllthoseyearsofwatchingPlinkoandthatlittlemountainclimbergameatMe-MaandPa-Pa’shousetotallypaidoff.Ihavenodoubtthat,ifgiventhechance,Icouldwinanewcar.I’dliketobelievethatIcouldalsowintheShowcaseShowdown,butsomuchofitboilsdowntotheluckofspinningthebigwheelasopposedtopureskill.AndforallIknow,theentireformatofThePriceIsRightistotallydifferentnowthatDrewCareyhastakenover.IquitwatchingwhenBobBarkerleft,becausehetotallymadethatwholeshow.“Don’tforgettospayandneuteryourpets!”
Attheconclusionofthedentallessoncamealectureonthedangersofsmoking.Itwasyourstandardsurgeongeneraltalk:smokingisbad.Itwillkillyou.Itmakesyourteethyellow.Peoplewhosmokemightgotohellor,worse,driveanElCamino.Theusual.Butrightasthediscussionwaswindingdown,IsawCaroline’shandpopupintheair.Themominchargesaid,“Caroline,doyouhaveaquestion?”
“No.ButIjustwantedtosaythatallmymom’scousinssmoke.”(AndsomeofthemhavebeenknowntodriveElCaminos.)Perfect.BetweenthatadmissionandthefactIwasn’tplanningtoofferany
monogrammedtake-homeitemsattheBrowniemeetingIwouldeventuallyhavetohost,IfeltsurewehadjustrelegatedourselvestoTroop3653,alsoknownas
tohost,IfeltsurewehadjustrelegatedourselvestoTroop3653,alsoknownastheWhiteTrashBrownies.
Butlet’sbehonest.TheBrowniesweren’tgoingtokickusoutduetosomesmokingcousins.Sure,thoseothermomsmighthavebeenhorrifiedbythesmokingrevelation,buttheyneededeverywarmbodytheycouldgettopushthosecookies.ThoseThinMintsdon’tsellthemselves.
Actually,that’snottrue.Thosecookiestotallysellthemselves.Ithinktheymightcontainsomesortofaddictivesubstance.
Muchlikecigarettes.Asitturnedout,wedidn’tgetkickedoutofBrownieseventhoughIended
uphavingtopaythirty-sixdollarsoutofmyownpocketbecausewehadacookiedeficit.(I’msureitwasn’tduetoanystress-eatingoftheDo-si-dosaswewalkeddoortodoor.)
CarolineandIwereonthewaytoourlastmeetingoftheschoolyearwhenshesaid,“Mama,therehasgottobesomethingmorefuntodothanBrownies.”
Preachit,sister.Nottomentionthatnooneevergotacollegescholarshiporendedupona
boxofWheatiesfortheirabilitytopaintceramicturkeys.We’restickingtosoccer.Orswimming.Ormaybevolleyball.Olympics2020?Ihaveagoodfeelingaboutyou.
Chapter26
Caroline,theWitch,&theWardrobe
Thisisn’tadocumentedstatistic,butIbelievewhenwomenfindoutthey’regoingtohaveababygirl,atleast98percentofthemenvisionawardrobefullofsmockeddressesandbows.And,yes,it’sheavenlytodressupyourdaughterlikeshe’syourownpersonalbabydollforthefirstthreeyearsofherlife.Thenyouwakeuponedayand,withnowarning,shesuddenlyhasanopinion.Anopinionthatusuallyinvolvesaplaidpurpleskirtwithanorange-and-green-stripedshirtandroyal-bluekneesocks.
It’salookIliketocallhobochic.Which,frankly,isprobablyaninsulttohoboseverywhere.IshouldhaveknownIwasintroublewhenCaroline’spreschoolteachers
informedmeshewalkedineverymorning,promptlyhandedthemthebowsfromherhair,andsaid,“No,thankyou.”ButIwasindenialandcontinuedtobuydarlingoutfitsthatactuallymatchedforyearsbeforeIfinallyaccepteditwasalostcause.
KhalilGibranofferstheseinsightsaboutchildren:
Youmaygivethemyourlovebutnotyourthoughts,Fortheyhavetheirownthoughts.Youmayhousetheirbodiesbutnottheirsouls,Fortheirsoulsdwellinthehouseoftomorrow,whichyoucannotvisit,not
eveninyourdreams.Youmaystrivetobelikethem,butseeknottomakethemlikeyou.
Yes.Allofthat.AndIwouldaddthatyoucan’tpickouttheirclothesoncetheydecideGaptightswithabearonthebottomaren’treallythestylestatementtheywanttomake.
OnceCarolinebegankindergarten,Idiscoveredthroughalotoftrialanderrorthatthemostpain-freewaytogetherdressedinthemorningwastoofferthreewardrobeoptionsfortheday.I’dwalkthroughthekitchenonthewaytothelivingroom,holdingtheofferingsI’dprocuredfromhercloset,andwhispertoPerry,“I’mgoingin.Sayaprayerforme.”Andhe’dlookatmeasifhe
toPerry,“I’mgoingin.Sayaprayerforme.”Andhe’dlookatmeasifhewantedtotellmeIwasthebravestwomanhe’devermet.EitherthatorhewaswonderingwhyIwastalkingtohimwhilehewaslookingatbargain-pricedammoonline.
MostdaysCarolinesizedupthethreechoices,madesomeeditorialchangestothesuggestedaccessories,andultimatelyworeoneoftheoutfits.Butthenthereweretheotherdays.Thedaysshedismissedallmychoiceswithawaveofherhandandsaid,“Noneofthose!”inatonethatindicatedshecouldn’tbelieveIdidn’thavethesupernaturalabilitytosensethatshewassooverleggingsrightnoweventhoughshelovedthemyesterday.
ThenonedayasImademywaybacktothelivingroom,holdingthreedifferentoutfitsonhangers,theabsurdityofthesituationdawnedonme.Anditonlytookthreeyears.
SuddenlyIfeltverymuchlikeMaryBoleyn.Exceptwithouttheaffairwithapower-hungrykingandthecorsets.IhadbecomeCaroline’sveryownlady-in-waiting.Ipickedoutherclothes,Ifixedherhair,andImadesureshehadeverythingsheneededbeforeshewalkedoutthedoor.
AndIdidn’tminddoinganyofthesethings.I’mamom.It’swhatIdo.Butonthatparticularmorning,asIhumblyofferedthethreeoutfitscarefully
chosenfromhercloset,Carolinelookedatmeandsaid,“TheproblemisyouandIdon’thavethesametaste.Idon’tlikeanyofthesechoices.”
Imighthavebecomeslightlyunhinged.Don’tmesswithawomanwhohasjustslavedoveradrybowlofLuckyCharmsandcutthecrustsoffaham-and-cheesesandwich.
“Well,ifyoudon’tlikewhatI’vepickedout,thenyoucangolookinyourclosetandchooseyourownoutfit.Itdoesn’tmattertome.”
Itwastrue.Yes,therewasatimewhenIdesperatelywantedhertowearcertainoutfitswithmatchingbowsinherhairandalltherightaccessories.ButthatwasbeforeIwasworndownbylifeanddecidedtosettleforanythingthatdidn’tmakeherlooklikeacontestantonToddlers&TiarasoraBratzdoll.
Soshewalkedintoherroom,andIwaitedtoseewhatshewouldchoose.AndIwaited.
AndIwaited.Aftertenminutespassed,Iwalkedintofindhertwirlingaroundinfrontof
hermirror.Stillwearingherpajamas.Andatiara.Iwasadonkeyontheedge.“Whyaren’tyoudressed?Wehavetoleaveintwominutes!”“Idon’tknowwhatIwanttowear.”Imadeafewmoresuggestionsthatshegreetedwith,“Orwhatelse?”AndI
desperatelywishedthatIcoulddosomethingsimpler,likebrokeradealfor
desperatelywishedthatIcoulddosomethingsimpler,likebrokeradealforpeaceintheMiddleEast.
FinallyPerrycameintointerveneandtoldhertoputonashirtwithapairofjeans.HemighthavealsotoldmeIneededtosettledown.Ican’trememberbecauseIhadtoputmyheadbetweenmykneestokeepfromblackingout.
Afterthemadnessofthemorning,IdecidedMaryBoleynneededtocomeupwithabettersolution.Ourmorningshadbecomeincreasinglyfilledwithwardrobedrama,andI’devenbeentemptedtohomeschooljustsowecouldstayinourpajamas.
WhenCarolinegothomefromschoolthatday,Iannouncedshewasnowresponsibleforpickingoutherownclothesthenightbefore.Ifsheforgottodoit,thenshehadtowearwhateverIpickedout,withnoargumentordebateabouttheunfairnessoflifeandthelifelongwoundsyou’llsufferifyourmommakesyouwearasweaterdress.
Asweaterdressthatyoubeggedforonlytwomonthsearlier.Asweaterdressthatwasnot,infact,wovenonthedevil’sloom.
Asitturnedout,ournewsystemwasn’tmuchlesspainfulthantheoldsystem.Itjusttookplaceat6:30p.m.insteadof7:30a.m.,andIhadthecomfortofknowingIcouldsendhertobedshortlyafterwedebatedthemeritsofaplaidskirtversusatie-dyeddress.
Whichbringsustotheothernight.Theweatherforecastindicateditwasgoingtobethecoldestdayoftheyearsofar.IremindedCarolinetopickoutwhatshewantedtowearthenextday.Sheaskedmetohelpher,soIobliged.I’mreallynotaheartlesstyrant,despitemypenchantforsweaterdressesandclothesthatmatch.
Aswestoodinhercloset,sheasked,“Whatwouldyouweariftheweatherwasgoingtobecoldandyouwantedtobetoastywarm?”
Ipointedoutafewsweaterdressesandsomefleece-linedtopswithleggingsorjeans.
Sheasked,“Whatelsebesidesanyofthosethings?”Seriously.Netanyahuneedstocallme.WecanfigureoutthisMiddleEast
thingyet.Isaid,“Youfindsomething.Ineedtogofinishcookingdinner.”AboutthreeminuteslaterIheardhersneakintothekitchen.Shethrewa
folded-uppieceofpaperatmeandloudlywhispered,“Openit.”
folded-uppieceofpaperatmeandloudlywhispered,“Openit.”Iopenedit.Itread,“Ineedhelp.”Don’tweall,sister.Don’tweall.So,becauseIamagluttonforpunishment,Iwalkedbackintoherroomto
giveitanothertry.IshowedherafewmoreoutfitsthatshefoundunacceptableuntilIfinallychanneledmyinnerfashionistaandasked,“What’syourgoal?Whatareyouenvisioning?”
“Well.Idefinitelywanttowearmylegwarmers.Andtwoshirts.Andaskirt.Maybewithsometights.Andahat.”
Done.AndthatishowIsentmychildtoschoolinanoutfitthatPunkyBrewster
wouldhaveenvied.ThesadthingisthatCarolineisonlyeight.WhenIthinkofhowmanyyears
ofthiswehaveaheadofus,itmakesmewanttoshelloutmoneyforaprivateschoolthatrequiresuniforms.Andwehaven’tevenreachedtheagewhereshe’sconsciousofnamebrands.I’msurethoseyearswillbeatreasure.
Ifmemoryserves,andsometimesitdoes,IthinkIwasinfifthgradewhenitbecameofutmostimportanceformetohaveJordachejeansandIzodshirtsandNiketennisshoes.AndIvividlyrememberineighthgradestandinginthejuniordepartmentatFoley’sandbeggingmydaddytobuymeapairofGuessoveralls.Overallsthatcosteightydollars.In1984.That’slikeaseven-hundred-dollarpairofpantsintoday’seconomy.
ButIstronglybelievedthoseGuessoverallsmightchangemylife.Theywerethekeytopopularityandaseatatthecoollunchtable.Becausewhocouldresistanawkwardthirteen-year-oldgirl,withbangsteasedbeyondallreasonandgravity,dressedlikeafarmer?
ThentheotherdayIwasgettingdressedforchurchandrealizedI’djustchangedintofourdifferenttopsinthecourseoffiveminutes.ItwaswithalittleshockandshamethatIrealizedCarolinecomesbyitnaturally.Yes,it’soffsetbythefactthatshehasafatherwhodressesinarotationoffourColumbiafishingshirtsandthreepairsofkhakipantsfromOldNavy,butsinceshecarries50percentofmyDNA,Isuspectshe’llalwayshaveastrongpropensitytobeslightlyobsessedwithwhatshewears.(Ionceworealeopard-printtoptothezoo.WhenIwastwentyyearsold.Atfive,that’scute.Attwentyit’scalledoverthinkingyourwardrobe.)
ItwasjusttwomorningsagowhenCarolineannouncedthatallshewantedtoweartoschoolfromnowonwererunningshorts,leggings,andaT-shirt.Ithoughtofallthebeautifulclotheshanginginhercloset—clothesshehadbeggedmetobuy—andIwasfurious.Ithreatened,“Well,IguessI’lljusttakeallthoseclothesinyourclosetandsellthem.”
(WhowasIgoingtosellthemto?I’veneverreallyfiguredthatout,butthisthreathasworkedinthepast,soIcontinuetouseit.)
(IalsofeelcertaintherewillcomeadaywhenCarolinewilllaughwithherfriendsabouthowhercrazymotherusedtothreatentosellallherclothes.)
Butthistimeshecalledmybluff.“Okay,”shesaid.Ialmostcouldn’tseestraight.Itkindofruinedmywholemorning.Iknow.That’sembarrassing.BecausewhatI’mfinallyrealizingisthatinspiteofallmygrand
declarations,it’sstillimportanttomethatCarolinelookcute.Sure,I’vesurrenderedincertainareasandIgaveuponthebowsyearsago,butIworryaboutwhatotherpeoplewillthinkwhentheyseemychilddressedlikeamemberofthecastofAnniedayafterday.
It’smypridethatwantsothermotherstoseeCarolinewalkintoschoolandsay,“Well,theregoesthatdarlingCaroline,dressedlikeaperfectlittleladyandwiththosedarlingFrenchbraidsinherhair.”Andit’smypridethatiswoundedonthedaysIwatchherwalkintoschoolandfeelcertainothermothersarethinkingImustbeoutoftown,becausewhyelsewouldmydaughter’shairlooklikeit’sinthelatestagesofbecomingdreadlocks?
Butyouknowwhat?It’snotaboutme.Therearebattlesalongthewaythatareworththefight.Liketheonesthat
involvehersafety,morality,spirituality,andgeneralwell-being.Iwilldieonthosemountains.Iwillfightwithavengeance,andIwillnailshutbedroomwindowsandtakeawayprivilegesandbethemeanestmomintheworldifthat’swhatthesituationcallsfor.
Butclothes?Ruiningeverymorningwithabattleoverwhatshe’sgoingtowear?Intheschemeoflife,itdoesn’treallymatter.Yes,theoutfithastobeappropriateandfitmyparametersfornohoochiesinmyhouse,butifCarolinewantstolooklikeshejustworkedoutatthehealthclubeverydaythisyear,thenit’snotworththefight.
And,honestly,ifyouwanttoseesomepoorsartorialchoices,govisityourlocalelementaryschool.Thekidsalllookhomeless.Theyalllookliketheirmothershavebeenonextendedvacationsandleftthemathomewithnothingbuttheircolor-blindfatherswhodon’tunderstandhairbrushmechanics.
IhavepromisedmyselfIwillrememberthewordsGodspoketoSamuelbeforeheanointedDavidaskingofIsrael:“TheLORDdoesnotlookatthethingspeoplelookat.Peoplelookattheoutwardappearance,buttheLORDlooksattheheart”(1Samuel16:7).
Maybeit’sbecauseeightyearshavecomeandgonefasterthanIevercouldhaveimagined,butI’vepainfullystartedtorealizethatwehaveaprettylimitednumberofyearstopourintoourchildreneverythingwewantthemtoknow.Idon’twanttospendthoseyearsbattlingoverastupidsweaterdressorbraidedhair,ordebatingwhetherthoseshortsmatchthatshirtjustbecausetheyarebothpink.
IwanttospendtheselimitedyearswithafocusonshapingCaroline’sheart,nothercloset.IwouldsayIwanthertobeabetterversionofmyself,butthat’snotaccurate.IwanthertobethebestversionofwhoGodhascreatedhertobe—toembraceherindividualqualitiesandgifts.Iwanttoteachhertoputonkindness,love,gentleness,patience,andjoyeverymorningandtowalkthroughherdaylookingforwaystomakeadifferenceinherworld.Tobekindtothelittlegirlinherclasswhostrugglestofitin,tositnexttothenewkidwhodoesn’tknowanyone,tostandupfortheboywhogetspickedonatrecess.Iwanthertoknowthatit’swhosheisinsidethatmakesheruniqueandthatthereisnoclothingavailableatanystorethatcanaddoneouncetoherinfiniteworth.
NotevenapairofGuessoveralls.It’salessonhermotherstillstruggleswithalltheseyearslater.AndevennowtherearedaysIhearmyselfforcedtosay,“Youcan’tsleepin
aSantahatwhileyourhairiswetandexpectthatitwilllookgoodthenextday.”Butlet’sbehonest:that’sjustalifelessoneverygirlneedstolearn.
Chapter27
LittleStepsofLettingGo
TheothernightIcrawledintobednexttoCaroline,andshereachedouttoholdmyhand.AsIheldherwarmlittlehand,stilldimpledwiththelastofherbabyfat,itseemedsosmall.Whichisweirdbecauseeverythingaboutherseemssobigtomelately.TherehavebeentimesI’veseenherfrombehindandalmostnotrecognizedherbecausethere’snowaythattall,ganglygirlismylittlebaby.
ButasIheldherhandandwatchedhersleep,withherlongeyelashesrestingonherflawless,olive-skinnedcheeks,allthepettyargumentsandfrustrationsofthedaywereforgotten.AllthebattlesfadedawayinthefreshremembrancethatsheisthemostperfectgiftI’veeverbeengiven.ThatGodchosetoentrustthisprecocious,hilarious,rough-and-tumblegirlintomycareisalmosttoomuchformetobear.
Ifeelliketherearesomanyclichésaboutmotherhood.It’shardnottorepeatwhathasalreadybeensaidinvariouswaysfromthemomenttimebegan.AndasIthinkaboutallthedeclarationsthathavebeenmadeaboutmotherlove,Irealizeit’sbecausemotherhoodisthethinginawoman’slifethatcatchesherbytotalandcompletesurprise.
MostofusgrowupwithfairytalesandBarbiedollsanddreamsofthedaywe’llmeetthemanwewanttospendtherestofourlifewith.Irememberwatchingthegreatromancesplayoutbeforemeonthemoviescreen—CinderellaandPrinceCharming,SandyandDannyZuko,BudandSissy(becausewhatsaystruelovelikepersonalizedlicenseplatesinthebackwindowofaFordtruck?)—andIhopedandprayedadaywouldcomewhenIwouldmeetamanIwantedtobewithforever.
Weareraisedtobelievewe’llfindourprince.Ourownhappilyeverafter.Andifanything,thebooksandmoviesmakeitlooksomucheasierthanitreallyissometimes.Therearedaysmarriagefeelslikethrowingawetcatandarabiddogwholeavesthetoiletseatupallthetimeinahousetogetherandtellingthemtomakeitwork.
Butthenthere’smotherhood.Evenifwe’vedreamedofhavingbabiesofourown,thereisnothingthat
preparesusforthewaythatmomentcracksopenourheartsandpoursinthetype
ofpureloveweneverknewexisted.Alovethatisn’taboutusbutisjustaboutwantingtoloveandprotectthislittle,helplesspersonwhowillemitallmannerofbodilyfluidsonusifgivenhalfthechance.Youcan’tfathomituntilyouexperienceit.Youcandecorateanursery,scribbledownbabynames,andfeelthemiracleofafootkickingyourbladder,butnoneofthatcomesclosetocapturingthetruemomentsthatmakeamama.
That’swhyIbelievemotherhoodgivesusthefirsttrueglimpseofhowGodlovesus.Thekindoflovethat’sirrevocable,unrelenting,unconditional.Ithinkit’stheclosesthumansgettolivingout1Corinthians13.MotherhoodisaHolyCommunionwithGoldfishcrackersandjuiceboxes.
Yetit’sbittersweet.Becausewhilewechoosethepersonwemarrywiththebeliefandhopethatitwillbe“tilldeathdouspart,”webecomemothersandimmediatelyrealizeourjobistoraisetheselittlepeopleandpourintothemandpackineighteenyearsofwisdom,love,andprotection,onlytoletthemgooutintoaworldthatseemsscaryandwaytoobigforourcomfort.
Andthat’swheretheproblemlies.Wehavetoletthemgo.AndfromwhatI’veseenofCaroline’schildhoodso
far,therearelittlestepsoflettinggoallalongtheway.Droppingheroffatpreschool,surrenderinghertokindergarten,lettingherspendthenightwithafriend,sendinghertosummercamp.Thestakesgethigherandhigheraswesendourkidsoutfurtherandfurther.
Thosewalksdownvariousschoolhallwaysareonlythebeginningofstepsthatwilltakethemtowardtheirowndestiny.Thosemomentsarethemotherhoodequivalentofridingabikewithouttrainingwheels.Youjusthoponandprayitallworksoutandthebumpsandbruisesarekepttoaminimum.Sometimesyoufallandit’sabigmess,butyougetrightbackonandcontinuetheride.
Theironyisthatthehallmarkofhowwellwe’redoingourjobisdeterminedbyhowourchildrenadapttoallthesechanges.Havewegiventhemthesecuritytheyneedtofunctionwiththeirpeers?Dotheyfeellovedenoughtopourthemselvesintothelivesaroundthem?Aretheysecureenoughtojumpintolifewithbothfeetandchoosethedaringadventurethatawaitsthem?
AndcanwewatchthemfallandmakemistakesandwrongdecisionswhiletrustingthatthisisallpartofbecomingthepersonGodcreatedthemtobe?
WhenCarolinewasabouttwoyearsold,wetookatriptothebeach.AtsomepointPerryfoundalittlecrabthathadlostitsclawsandputitinabucketforher.Shepickedupthatcrabandcarrieditaroundlikeitwasherbabytherestoftheday.Thatpoorcrabdidn’thaveachance.Hegotlovedtodeathfromalltheattentionandconstanthandling.
Iwatchedherwiththecrabassheignoredallmyadmonitionsthatthepoorcrabjustneededtobesetfreeifhewastohaveanychanceofsurviving.AndGodshowedupthereonthatbeachtoteachmealesson.Nothingsurviveswhenit’sbeingsmothered.Life,reallife,requiresbeingfreetomoveaboutinthegreatbigocean,notbeingcradledinlittlehothandsthatwillstifleindependenceandcreativity.Wecan’tkeepourcrabs(orourkids)inabucketandexpectthemtogofarinlife.
Theproblemisthatourheartsaresointertwinedwithourlittlecrabs’heartsthatwedon’tknowwheretheirsbeginandoursend.Andit’ssohardtoletgo.
TheyearCarolineturnedfour,Iwasdrivinghertoschoolwhensheannouncedshedidn’twantmetoparkandwalkherintoschoolasI’ddoneforthelasttwoyears.Herexactwordswere,“Mama,dropmeoffbyMrs.Jane.”
“Areyousure?Youdon’twantmetowalkyouin?”“Mama,Ineedtotellyousomething.Youknow,I’mabiggirlnow.”Yes.Iknow.Idrovethroughthecarpoollineandwatchedhergetoutofthecarwithher
totebaginonehandandherlunchboxintheother.ShewalkedwithanextrabounceinherponytailthatmademesmileasInotedtheprideshefeltwithhernewstepofindependence.
AndthenIstartedtocry.YouwouldhavethoughtIwasdroppingheroffatherdormroomknowingI
wouldn’thearfromheruntilshewasoutofmoneyorcleanclothes.Orboth.Iwipedmytears,toldmyselfIwasbeingdramatic,evenforme,andwrotethewholethingofftosomekindofestrogensurge.
ThefollowingWednesday,thedaybeforeherfifthbirthday,Iaskedherifshewantedmetowalkherinordropheroffagain.
Withoutamoment’shesitationshesaid,“Dropmeoff!”SoIdid.AndIcriedagain.I’dliketothinkitwasduetoPMS,butsinceImadeitthroughtheday
withouteatingmybodyweightinM&M’S,Idon’tthinkthatwastheproblem.Ihaveneverbeenamotherwhomournedallthepassingsignsofbabyhood.
Sure,I’dlovetohaveonemoredaywithCarolineasanewbornoratoddler,butforme,motherhoodhasjustgottenbetterasI’vesurvivedbreastfeeding,weaned
heroffthepacifier,completedourpotty-trainingmarathon,andwatchedtheterriblethreesturnintothecharmingfours.
ButsomethingaboutwatchingherwalkintoschoolbyherselfmademethinkofallthewaysI’llhavetolethergooveralifetime.Thetruthis,Idon’twanttolethergo,yetI’msoproudeverytimeIseesheisself-confidentenoughtotakethesestepsawayfromme.
I’vealsorealizedthatwhenthedaycomestodropheroffatcollege,ImightneedasurplusofKleenexandValium.Andperhapsachoirtoassistmeinsinging“IHopeYouDance.”
(EventhoughI’dneveractuallysing“IHopeYouDance.”It’stoomuchofacliché.I’mmuchmorelikelytosingCarlySimon’s“LoveofMyLife”orjustsobsilentlyasIdrivebackhomewhileeatingachocolatedonut.)
ThatnightasItuckedCarolineintobed,Igaveherakissandsaid,“Justthink,that’sMama’slastfour-year-oldkiss!”
Sheputherlittlehandsoneachsideofmyface,pulledmebackdowntoher,kissedmesoftlyonthecheek,andsaid,“That’safour-year-oldkissthatyoucankeepforever,Mama.”
AndIwill.I’llkeepitforever.Becauseraisingachildisafleetingmomentintimethatsometimesgets
swallowedupinthedailyroutineofcarpoolsandsoccerpracticeandCanIgetawaywithservingtacosfordinneragaintonight?Andyetit’squitepossiblythemostimportantthingwe’lleverdo.It’sthedailybalanceoftreasuringthemomentsevenaswewishsomeofthemaway.It’streadingwaterinaseaofimperfections.It’sadelicatedanceofguiltandjoy.
AttimesI’vethoughthowniceitwouldbeifIcouldjustprotectmydaughterforever—shieldherfromhurtfeelings,abrokenheart,dreamsthatmaynotcometrue.ButIrealizeallthosethingsinmyownlifehavebeenpartofmakingmewhoIamtoday.HadIbeenprotectedfromalltheunpleasantmomentslifecanbring,Iwouldn’thavelearnedwhoIreallyam.Caroline’scharacterwillhavetobebuiltandshapedbythejoysandheartachesshewillfaceoverherlifetime.
Ihavetosayit’salittlefrightening.Andalotgutwrenching.
ForCaroline’seighthbirthdayshedecidedshewantedtogetherearspierced.Wewenttothemall,eventhoughIhadnoideaifshe’dactuallygothroughwith
Wewenttothemall,eventhoughIhadnoideaifshe’dactuallygothroughwithitornot.Mydoubtsonlygrewstrongerwhensheaskedifwecouldjustlookatclothesforawhileinstead.ButeventuallywemadeourwaytoClaire’s,andshelookedatthevariousstarterearringoptionsandweighedthedecisionascarefullyasI’veeverseenherthinkaboutanything.Thenshespottedapairofsparklygreenearringsthatseemedtoeraseallherdoubts.
Ultimatelythedesireforthoseearringsoutweighedherfears.Itoldthesalesgirlwewerereadytoproceedwiththepiercing.AndsoshebegantomarkCaroline’sears.
I’veneverseenapersonlookmoresolemnornervous.AndIfeltlikemyownheartwasabouttojumpoutofmychest.Iknew
exactlywhatshewasfeeling,andIwantedtoprotectherfromthefearandhelpherconqueritallatthesametime.Abouttwosecondslater,theysqueezedthetriggers,andsheofficiallyhadpiercedears.
Sheletoutaloudgasp.Iheldmybreath,notsureifshewasgoingtocryorscreamorcompletelyfreakout.Andthenshesaid,“Thatdidn’thurtatall!”I’mnotsureifthatwastotallytrue,butIthinkhercompletegiddinessoverhernew,sparklygreenearringstrumpedanypain.Shejumpedonmeandhuggedme,sofullofjoyandexcitement.Andmyheartalmostcouldn’ttakeit.
ItoldheramilliontimeshowproudIwasofherforfacingherfearsandtriedtoturnitintoalifelessonabouthowsometimestheanticipationofathingisworsethantheactualevent.Buthonestly,Ithinkthat’salessonshealreadyknows.SheapproacheslifewithakindoffearlessnessI’veneverknown.
Myprayerforheristhatshewillbelikethosesparklygreenearringsshechoseatthemallthatday.Shiny,happy,andcolorful,withablindingglimmereverytimetheycatchthelight.Whensheenteredourlives,itturnedourblack-and-whiteworldintoaplacefilledwithunimaginablecolorandsparkle.Daniel12:3saysthatthosewhoarewisewill“shinelikethebrightnessoftheheavens,andthosewholeadmanytorighteousness,likethestarsforeverandever.”
IwanthertocatchthelightofJesusChristandneverletgo.LastMother’sDayoneofourworshipleaderswastheguestspeaker.She
talkedaboutmotherhood,andonethingshesaidhasstuckwithme:“Whenweloosenourgrip,hetightenshis.”
IknowI’vemadesomemistakeswithCaroline,andI’msureI’llmakemore,buthedoesn’tmakemistakes.Helovesunconditionally.Hisplansandpurposesareperfect.Hecreatedherwithapurposeandaplanforthistime,forthisgeneration.
MyjobistostrivetoleadhertohimineverythingIdo.ToshowherthateventhoughtherearetimesIcan’tbethereandtimes(likefromtheagesof
twelvetoeighteen)she’llactlikeshedoesn’tnecessarilywantmethere,Godisalwaysthere.Watching,catching,loving,andmoldingherintothepersonshewascreatedtobe.She’ssaferinhisgripthanshe’lleverbeinmine.
Hehascreatedmorepersonalityinmygirl’slittlebodythanahumanbeingshouldbeallowed.Ican’twaittoseewhathedoeswithit.
EveniftherearetimesI’llneedtocryalittlebitinmycar.Whileeatingachocolatedonut.MotheringCarolineisthegreatestjoyI’veeverknown.Themostimportant
thingI’lleverdo.AndIlovehermorethanshe’lleverknow.Atleastuntilshehasachildofherown.
Acknowledgments
Ican’tevenpretendthatthisbookwouldhavehappenedwithoutthesupportandloveofthefollowingpeople.Imean,Icouldpretend,butitwouldbealie.AndifI’mgoingtostartlying,I’llstartwithmyweightormyage.
Perry:PartofthereasonIfinallysatdownandwrotethisbookisbecauseyouneverquitasking,“Whenareyougoingtowritethatbook?”Yes,itgotonmynerves,butIloveyouforit.Youhelpmefindthelaughterineverything.There’snooneI’drathersharethislifewith.
DadandCherrie:Ihopethismakesyoufeellikeyou’vegottensomekindofreturnontheinvestmentyoumadeinmycollegeeducation,sinceIknowmygradesdidn’taccomplishthat.Iloveyoubothsomuch.Thanksforalwaysseeingthebestinmeandforteachingmetolovewithmywholeheart.TherearefewthingsIlovemorethanwatchingthewayCarolinelightsupwhenherMimiandBopswalkintotheroom.
Gulley:ThankyouforconvincingmethatifPaulBlart:MallCopcouldbethenumberonemovieinAmerica,thentherewasamarketforthisbook,becausethatmoviewasaclearsignthatweliveinaworldwherepeoplearedesperateforareasontolaugh.Youhavealwaysbelievedinme,andyou’ve
savedmehundredsofthousandsofdollarsintherapy.Iloveyoumorethanmyluggage.
Amy:I’msogladyouaremysister.IneverwouldhaveshoweredduringCaroline’sfirstyearoflifeifyouhadn’tbeensuchagreataunt.Iloveyou.
HoneyandBig:I’mthankfulthatyoutookmeinandallowedmetostayandeatyourfoodandsleepinyourbedsalltheseyears.
Sophie:I’msogladwemetontheInternet.AndI’mstillamazedthatithappenedtotwointrovertswhosometimespretendtobeextroverts.Thankyouforalltheencouragementandforlisteningtometalkallthoseyearsabout“thebook”Iwasgoingtowrite“someday.”
JenniferClouse:YouarethebravestpersonIknow.AndIcan’tthankyouenoughforputtingonyourconsultanthatwhenIwastryingtofigureoutcoverart.Iloveyou.
BirthdayClub:Y’allaremysanity.Thanksforbeingsoexcitedforme.Here’stomanymoreyearsofmonthlyMexicanfoodtogether.
Bill:IknewthefirsttimeImetyouthatourpathswouldcrossagain.I’mthankfulthatIfinallysentthate-mailtotherightaddress.YouarethebestagentIcouldeverhopeforandtheonlyreasonIwaseverabletofigureouthowtowriteabookproposal.
Stephanie:Youhavemadethisbookbetterthaniteverwouldhavebeenwithoutyou.Ilovehavingyouasmyeditor.AndIlovesaying,“Ihaveaneditor.”Itsoundsveryprofessional.
LisaJacksonandtheTyndaleteam:Iamgratefultoallofyoufortakingachanceonme.IknewTyndalewastherightchoice,butIhadnoideahowrightuntilImetyouallinpersonandknewI’dfoundmypeople.
Myblogreaders:Theencouragementandsupporty’allhavegivenmeovertheyearsoverwhelmme.ThankyouforshowingupeverydaytoreadwhatIwrite.
And,mostofall,God:Iamhumbledbyyourloveformeandbythemercyandgraceyoucontinuetopouroutonthisundeservingsoul.
AbouttheAuthor
MelanieShanklewasinfourthgradewhenherteacheraskedhertoreadaloudastoryshehadwrittentotheentireclass.Eventhoughthatstorynowseemsalittlesillyandsimplistic,itmadethestudentsinMrs.Rice’shomeroomlaughoutloud,andalittledreambeganinMelanie’sheart—adreamtousewordstomakepeoplelaugh.
Overtheensuingyears,Melaniewrotewhenshehadachanceandtuckedthingsawayinnotebooksandjournals,rarelyshowinganyofittoanyone.ButinJuly2005,onatotalwhimandindesperateneedofacreativeoutlet,shebeganwritingablogcalledBigMama.NoonewasmoreshockedthanMelaniewhensomeoneotherthanherdadandhercollegeroommatebegantoreadit.
SincethattimeMelaniehasseenherblogreadershipgrowbeyondherwildestdreamsandopenthedoorstowritingandspeakingopportunitiesshenevercouldhaveimagined.It’sproofthatGodwasn’tplayingaroundwhenheinspiredPaultowriteEphesians3:20.Itis“immeasurablymore”thanshecouldhaveaskedorimagined.
Inadditiontoherblog,MelaniewritesaquarterlycolumnforthepopularonlinemagazinePraiseandCoffee,isaregularcontributortothePioneer
Woman’sblog,andservesasco-administratorandwriterforLifeWayWomen’sAllAccessblog.ShealsoservesasemceeforLifeWay’sannualDotMomeventandparticipatesinCompassionInternational’sbloggerinitiative.
AgraduateofTexasA&MUniversityandaformerpharmaceuticalrep,Melanieloveswriting,shoppingatTarget,lookingtoseewhat’sonsaleatAnthropologie,andencouragingothermomsinahumorousyetrelatablewayattheBigMamaBlog.com.
Mostofall,shelovesbeingthemotherofCarolineandthewifeofherhusband,Perry.ThethreeofthemliveinSanAntonio,Texas,withtheirtwoelderlydogs.ShealsobelievessheowesadebtofgratitudetoMrs.Riceformakingherreadthatstoryoutloudallthoseyearsago.