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EPISODE IV A NEW HOPESPACEA tiny little ship zips by, followed by a gargantuan ship shaped like a giant anvil. Using a top-secret tractor beam, it pulls in the tiny ship and traps it in the large cavity on it's underside. Inside, two droids, C-SOB and R2-Rnot are arguing with each other. C-SOB: Well, FINE! If that's the way you want it, I WILL stop repeating whatever you say for no good reason! R2-Rnot: BEEP! C-SOB: What do you mean, "Fine"? R2-Rnot: Bo Beep C-SOB: What do you mean, "Oh God"?
NEAR THE MAIN ENTRANCE HATCHA bunch of eighty-year old grandpas with tiny rayguns are crouching near the door like they have a chance in Hell of being in the sequel. The door slides open with warning, and a bunch of stormtroopers pour in, firing everywhere. C-SOB: Look, R2! A firefight! Let's run right through it! R2-Rnot: Beep bop boop. C-SOB: What do you mean, "You must be on dru--" A stray laser bolt blasts him to peices. R2-Rnot: Beep bop beepity-bop boo-bop. [Damn, that wasn't supposed to happen for another movie or so.] R2, using yet another handy tool we didn't know about that he'll never use again, magnetically bunches all of C-SOB's parts together and drags the large cluster of machinery along with a cable. Just then, Leia steps out from her hiding place, blocking the small droid. She is wearing near-lethal amounts of eyeliner, lipstick, lip gloss, mascara, and other kinds of makeup. Her long false eyelashes are drooping, and her hair is beginning to slip out of her absurd buns. Leia: (Wearily) Hey... robot dude. I can't stand this anymore. They're beating the crap outta my best ship. R2-Rnot: Beep. Bop. [Like I care.] Leia: I didn't get a word of that, but I, like, need your help, alright? R2-Rnot: Beepity-boppity. Beep. Whistle. [Get away from me!]
Leia: Uh huh. Whatever. Now hold still. Darth Vader, meanwhile, strolls into the diplomatic ship, carefully stepping over the dead bodies of stormtroopers and grandpa rebels, accompanied by two important officers, who both die sometime in the next movie. Darth Vader: Oh yeah. I'm the man. Important Offcer: Y-Yes, my lord. You are the man. Darth Vader: HOW DARE YOU SPEAK IN MY PRESENCE!? Important Officer: S-Sorry, m-m-my lord. Darth Vader: Uh huh. Now, scour this ship for anyone expendable to the plot and bring them to me ALIVE! Did you hear that? ALIVE! Imortant Officer: Yes sir. At once sir. Right away sir. Without delay sir. I-- ACK! He falls to the floor, holding his throat and choking. A few minutes later, a bunch of stormtroopers turn around a corner and see Leia with R2. She looks up and panics, moments before the lead stormtrooper fires a Sleep-ray right into her chest. She flops over, unconcious. Stormtrooper: Get the droid, too. They open fire on the droid, but can't aim worth what they fill they space-toilets with every day. Evading them, he rolls right into an unfired Escape Pod, with C-SOB's parts still trailing behind him. Stormtrooper: Ah, what the heck. Let him live, he's just a droid. Fortunately, none of the stormtroopers understood the way R2 talks, or they would have hear what he screamed at them as he shut the Escape Pod hatch, and they would have killed him for sure.
A HALLWAY INSIDE THE SHIPDarth Vader is holding up some scrub guy by the neck. A bunch of amused stormtroopers are watching. Darth Vader: Why don't you just say that again, huh? HUH? What's the matter? Don't think my butt's so big any more, do ya? Scrub Guy: Ugh-- I-- Please-Darth Vader: Now where's my favorite Teddy Bear?! Scrub Guy: It's not here! I *gasp* swear! Darth Vader: Uh huh. Yeah. Darth Vader crushes his throat the old-fashioned way and flings him on top of the pile of dead scrub guys nearby. At that moment, the crowd of stormtroopers return, with Leia
slung over the lead one's shoulder. Leia: Hey! Put me down! I'm, like, a princess! The stormtrooper dumps her onto the floor. She sits up, looking very flustered, as all of the the stormtroopers pull out their blasters and aim them at her head at once. Darth Vader: Hey there, hot stuff. Leia: Oh, go boil your head. Darth Vader: Heh heh. Now, don't tell me you're some kind of lame dimplomat on some lame diplomatic mission to some lame planet when I know that you have my Teddy Bear on this ship! Leia: Er... If I say that, are you gonna kill me?
SPACEThe tiny escape pod zips through space, with R2 and C-SOB safely inside. Aboard the huge ship, two officers see the pod rushing towards the nearby planet of Tabooine. First Officer: There goes another one. Second Officer: Hold your fire, there aren't any expendable characters aboard. R2 gets to work repairing C-SOB, as Tabooine draws closer and closer...
A SMALL HOVEL IN TABOOINEPuke Starboozer, looking quite hung over, stumbles out of his tiny hovel, his shirt unbuttoned and his shoes untied. He yawns, stretches his flabby arms, and then sees a tiny moving object off in the distance. Puke: 'Ey, ma! The sandcrawler's comin' to town! Puke's ma, a thin, pinched-looking woman with a permanantly scowling face hobbles out, her hand on her bad back. Puke's Ma: The sancrawler? Hey, it is! Well, your pa says to make sure to get yourself a droid that speaks Bachi, so it can 'elp him out on the farm! Puke: OK, ma.
WAY, WAY OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERTAn Imperial Shuttle lands in the middle of the desert, and a horde of Sandtroopers rushes out. The lead one notices an empty escape pod nearby, with tracks leading away from it off into the distance. Sandtrooper: We have them. This way, boys! Sandtrooper: (In a distinctly female voice.) You know, not all of us are boys! Other Sandtrooper: Shut up, Katie. Katie: Hey, you mouth off to me like that again and I'm gonna stick this blaster up where
the sun doesn't shine, got it?
ABOARD THE SANDCRAWLERInside the sandcrawler, piles and piles of droid parts are everywhere. R2 and C-SOB are lying unconcious on top of a pile. R2 wakes up and slowly looks around. Obnoxious Fan: I CAN SEE KENNY BAKER! I CAN SEE KENNY BAKER! R2-Rnot: Beep bop boop bip bleep. [Where the hell am I?] Nearby, two seedy-looking droids look up from their game of Checkers and grunt. Seedy-Looking Droid #1: You too, eh, kid? R2-Rnot: Bop beep whistle! [I'm scared. Get me outta here!] Seedy-Looking Droid #2: I didn't get a word of that. Seedy-Looking Droid #1: Yeah, does he talk like that for the whole movie? R2-Rnot: Boppity! Beepity! Whistle! Squawk! [Assholes.] Another droid with flat feet clomps over and puts his hand sympathetically on R2's dome. Flat-Footed Droid: There, there. They got me too, see? You didn't have a chance. They have these handy electrical-stunner-whatsamabobs used solely to capture us. At that moment, the Sandcrawler screeches to a halt, and a large door slides open. A burly, sinister-looking Jawa with a bull whip swaggers over. Jawa: Get over here, squeakie. R2 hesitates for a moment, then fires his blowtorch at the Jawa's groin. He stumbles over, cursing. Jawa: AARRGGH!!! Seedy-Looking Droid #1: Bad move, Astromech. The number one rule around here is "Leave Big Al's Balls Alone." Seedy-Looking Droid #2: Now we'll have to change it to "Leave What's Left Of Big Al's Balls Alone." The Jawa gets to his feet, his yellow eyes pulsating in rage. He whips out his handy remote, and presses the handy button on it. Instantly, all of the droids in the Sandcrawler begin walking dazedly out the door. C-SOB wakes up and joins them. R-2 finds himself rolling along with them as well. R2-Rnot: Beep! [What's goin' on!?] Then, he notices the handy restraining bolt welded onto his front, causing him to obey the orders of the remote-control-owner. R2-Rnot: Beep beep bop. [Dang.]
Outside, the droids are bathed in blinding sunlight. The jawa is lining them all up, whipping the impertinent ones and scowling at them all. Puke Starboozer comes over, scratching his back and yawning. Jawa: Heh heh. Hello, laddie. Puke: Hold on. Aren't you supposed to talk like a rubber duck? Jawa: (Irritably.) I got a vocal-cord transplant. Puke: Woah. Cool. OK, whatcha got for me? Jawa: Well, over here we have a fine, top-notch droid from somewhere in The Jundland Wastes. Name's Toby, I beleive... Droid Called Toby: My name is Kunta Kinte! The jawa whips the tar out of him. Droid Called Toby: I'm a droid, Einstein, I don't feel pain. Wait, I mean, I do feel pain! Ouch! Ouch! Don't do it again! Please! Jawa: Good. And uh, over here we have another first-rate droid from, er, somewhere. Puke: He's fallin' apart. Jawa: Yeah, but you can have him for only twenty credits! A real bargain! And, as a bonus, we'll throw in this Starfighter Ace manual for free! Puke: Hey, that sounds good. Does it speak Bachi? Jawa: Yeah, yeah, whatever. It speaks Bachi like a feind, boy. Now cough up the dough. Puke: Well, OK. Here ya go. Jawa: Thanks, sucker. Heh heh heh... I mean, er, have a nice day. Puke begins walking back home, the small red astromech that he just bought clunking along behind him. It gives a small whistle, then explodes, sending fiery shards of metal in every direction. Puke gasps and ducks. Meanwhile, the Jawa runs back into the Sandcrawler. Jawa: (Into a walkie-talkie.) Quick, Joe! He's onto us! Get this metal crate MOVIN'! Puke stumbles to his feet and looks at the remains of the small red droid, then at the many droids hypnotically marching back into the Sandcrawler, then at the large Jawa frantically pressing a handy button on his handy remote. Puke: Hey, you little swindler! You owe me an astromech! He reaches the Sandcrawler and grabs R2 and C-SOB moments before they walk mindlessly into the Sandcrawler. As soon as the large metal door shuts, and the Sandcrawler takes off with a squeal of burned rubber, the remote control goes out of range and they
come back to their senses. C-SOB: My, my. How did I get here? Puke: Well, I thought, since I paid way too much for that busted droid, I might as well get a nice golden one as well as the nice blue one they owe me. R2-Rnot: Beep beep beep! C-SOB: What do you mean, "We're saved!"? Puke: Hey, uh, goldie. Can you speak Bachi? C-SOB: No. What makes you think that? Puke: Well, I mean, you look like a protocol droid, so I-C-SOB: No, I'm an Astromech Companion droid. Whatever made you think otherwise? Puke: Oh. Well, can the little guy speak Bachi? R2-Rnot: Bloop beep bip! C-SOB: What do you mean, "No, you idiot, I only talk like a dial-up modem"? Puke: I'm dead.
ABOARD THE ROCK STAR, A GIANT SPACE STATION THAT LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A GIANT ROCKLeia is strapped to a chair. Darth Vader hovers over her, accompanied by Captain Enema and a big black droid covered in sinister torture devices. Leia: Like, do what you must, but I'm not really gonna talk, you know? Captain Enema: (Chortling obnoxiously.) Of course you will, pet. That's what they all say. Darth Vader: Heh heh. I love this part. This is the part where I choke you to death 'cause your a bastard, right? Captain Enema: Ah, no, actually. Terribly sorry. I'm your superior, and for some reason, you're OK with that. Darth Vader: What th-- Well, when DO I kill you, then? Captain Enema: Enough of this pointless prattling. Lord Vader, lick my boots, they're somewhat stained, and then torture this girl until she spills her guts. Interrogation Droid: I--beleive--the--fastest--way--to--acheive--that--would--be--with--an-axe. Captain Enema: No, I mean, torture her until she tells us exactly where the Rebel Base is. Lord Vader: My pleasure. Heh heh heh... Leia: (Muttering to herself.) There is no stupid rebel base, what am I gonna do?
THE SAME OLD SMALL HOVELPuke crushes another beer--excuse me, vibrobeer-- can and tosses it into the corner of his room. C-SOB and R2 are both gathering dust in another corner, bored out of their wits. Puke: (To himself.) Man, my uncle's gonna kick my ass when he gets back. (To the droids.) Are you sure none of you speak Bachi? R2-Rnot: (Boredly.) Beep. C-SOB: (Dully.) Whaddaya mean, "No"? Puke gets up and thumps R2 soundly on the dome in frustration. R2 gets a crafty idea. Puke: Ugh, I have a headache... damn droids. Just then, in mid-vibrobeer-swig, he notices the flickering holographic projection of Leia coming from R2. He spews vibrobeer all over himself and stares at her. Puke: Holy shit. Holographic Projection of Leia: End of message. End of message. End of message. End of message... C-SOB: Oh dear. What's that? Puke: Woah. Who is she?? C-SOB: (Blankly.) I don't know. I used to know, but suddenly I don't even recognize her. Sort of like how I've been to this planet twice but now I don't even know what it's called anymore, huh? Puke: Yeah, yeah. Man, she is one hot item, huh? Hey, R2, play back the rest of the message, OK? R2-Rnot: Beep boop. C-SOB: What do you mean, "Nothin' doin'"? Puke: Ah, great. Hey! I've got an idea! How 'bout I take off your restraining bolt so you can escape in the middle of the night? Then can you play the message? R2-Rnot: Beep bop whistle. C-SOB: What do you mean, "That's fine"? Puke: Great, here, hold still for a second. He yanks off the restraining bolt. Puke: There ya go. Now come on, show me the babe. R2-Rnot: Whistle. C-SOB: What do you mean, "I'm too tired. Maybe later"?
R2-Rnot: Whistle beep boop. C-SOB: What do you mean, "Sue me"? Puke: Ah, forget it. I gotta go eat lunch. Be good. He joins his ma and pa at the dinner table. Puke's ma is filling up a large plastic pitcher full of green coolade. Puke's pa grunts. Puke: Er... pa? I was wonderin'... You see, my best freind Piggs went off to this militiary academy, and, er, I wanna go too. Puke's Pa: In your dreams, boy. Puke: But-Puke's Pa: I know, it sucks. Life sucks. You suck, too boy. The sooner you learn that, the better. Did you get a new droid? Puke: Well, kinda. It doesn't speak Bachi. Puke's Pa: Good God... How much did you pay for it? Puke: Um... not much. Puke's Pa: I hope not. Take it into Anchorhead tomorrow and swap it for one that speaks Bachi. Puke: Sorry. I will. He gets up and leaves sullenly. Puke's Ma: Owen, why are you always such a jerk around that boy? You don't even need a droid that speaks Bachi. Puke's Pa: Just tryin' to show the little rebel who's boss, that's all. Puke's Ma: You treat him like crap! Puke's Pa: He is crap! And so are you, woman! Puke runs outside to have an Emotional Moment. Unfortunately, the Emotional Moment spot is too crowded with tourists, so he has his Emotional Moment next to a Moisture Vaporator instead. He sighs deeply. Later that evening, he goes into his room again to find R2-Rnot missing. C-SOB: Master! Master! Puke: Yeah, what? C-SOB: R2 is gone! He said he had some mission that was vital to the plot, and he just took off! Puke: Damnit! We gotta go get him back! My uncle's gonna feed me my own guts! They both pile into Puke's convertible--excuse me, landspeeder-- and take off into the
sunset. Puke: God, that little guy sure can run. Can't see him anywhere. Damnit, I can't even see my home no more. We're lost. C-SOB: Oh no! Puke: Hey, don't crap all over yourself, goldie, we'll get back all right.
Several Hours Later...Puke: Any minute now... any minute now... Hey, look at those mountains! We've reached The Mountains! C-SOB: Maybe he's hiding there. Puke parks his conver-- ahem, landspeeder-- and they both climb out. After a few hours of searching, they see R2 whistling a happy tune as he scoots along through a narrow pass. Puke: Hey, you little creep! Get over here! It's 2 in the morning! The little droid doesn't even slow down. Puke: Oh, great. What a jerk. C-SOB: Master, I don't like this at all. Puke: Join the club. C-SOB: But what if there are Sand Pe-Before he can finish, a Tusken Raider Club swings down from behind and knocks him out cold. Puke turns around, stunned, seconds before he is clobbered also. R2, hearing them, ducks inside a handy crevice while the Sand People loot the landspeeder. Early the next morning, Puke wakes up to see Padme leaning over him, dressed in a slave girl outfit. Padme: Are you all right? Puke: Huh? She leans over even closer, so that their noses are almost touching. Padme: Are you all right? Puke blinks and shakes his head, coming fully to his senses. An old geezer dressed in a moth-eaten brown cloak is leaning over him, squinting. Puke gasps. Old Geezer: (Wheezing.) Are you... *cough* all right? Puke: Augh! Old Geezer: Yeah, *hacking cough* yer all right, by thunder... The man doubles over and coughs again, and his false teeth fall out. He picks them up and stuffs them back into his mouth.
Puke: What happened? Where are all the Sand People? Old Geezer: Oh, I scared 'em off. Lotsa people run when they see me comin'. Heh heh heh... *cough* Puke gets to his feet and looks around. All of the Sand People are gone. C-SOB has been smashed into tiny peices, and R2-Rnot is still hiding in his handy crevice. Puke: Oh no! The gold robot's broken! Old Geezer: Yeah, 'e was *cough* gettin' on my nerves, so I gave 'im the works. Puke: Wow. You did that with your bare hands? Old Geezer: Well, this 'ere handy lasersword that can cut through any material helped a heck of a lot. Puke: Oh. Who are you, anyway? Old Geezer: I'm Ben. R2-Rnot whistles and rolls over to where he is, beeping. R2-Rnot: Beep bop boop blip BOP! Old Geezer: What? What did you say? R2-Rnot: Beepity boppity boop! Old Geezer: Man, I can't understand I thing yer sayin'. R2 extends his tiny handy computer plug/manipulator thingy and begins tracing a message out in the sand. It reads: BEEP... BOP... BOOP... BEEP... Old Geezer: Man, you've been screwed up. Can't talk regular, can you? Puke: We gotta put C-SOB back together. He's his interpretor! Old Geezer: No problem. Those gold droids, ye can rebuild 'em in an instant. They rebuilt C-SOB. 1.CSOB:WWhereamI?*Gasp*Padme?Isthatyou? Puke: No, it's me. You gotta tell us what the little guy's sayin'. R2-Rnot: Beep boop blip! C-SOB: What do you mean, "I have a message for Hokey-Yawn "Ben" Balony"? Old Geezer: A message? What does it say? R2 projects the full message for the Old Geezer. Leia Hologram: Hey there, Benny. Listen, you know how you helped out my father at some point during that Jango War? Well, like, you gotta help me now. This way bad dude's got me on the Rock Star. Hidden inside this oversized swiss army knife is Darth Vader's favor-
ite Teddy Bear. Take it to my daddy on Alderbland and we'll ransom it back to Vader, OK? End of message. Old Geezer: Hmmm. Puke: (Amazed.) Y... YOU'RE Hokey-Yawn Baloney?? Old Geezer: Nah, I'm Ben. Hokey-Yawn's my old name. You see, I used to be a Jedi. Jedi are these Very Important people who wear bathrobes and use the Force. Puke: 'The Force'? What's that, some kind of drug? Old Geezer: Yeah, but it's also a mystical energy feild that surrounds us and makes us perfect if we quiet our minds and all that crap. Puke: Is that before or after you take the drug? Old Geezer: Here, have a baggie of it. I've got loads. Puke: Oh. Thanks. Who's the lady in the hologram? Old Geezer: Some snobby brat. Let her fry, says I, I'm a busy loon. Puke: But what if she's in danger? Old Geezer: Well, then she can just get used to it. I'm gettin' too old for this whole 'hero' thing. Puke: But I thought you helped out her pa in the Jango War! Old Geezer: Yeah, well he was a jerk. She doesn't look much better... Puke: I'll go, then! Old Geezer: Nah, yer just a youngin'. They'll beat the pants off you. C-SOB: I'll go with him! R2-Rnot: Beep boop! C-SOB: What do you mean, "Me too"? Old Geezer: Alderbland's 6,000 lightyears away. That's pretty far. You'll have to hire out a pilot to take you there, laddie. Puke: Well, I can do that! Old Geezer: OK. Bye. Have fun. Puke: Wait! Old Geezer: What? Puke: Can I have your light-weapon-thingamabob? Old Geezer: Sure, what the heck, I got another one back home. Puke: Right. Well, thanks for the weapon. Seeya!
He jumps back into his speeder, along with the two droids, and floors the gas pedal-ahem, I mean vibrospeed-compromiser. On his way home, though, he sees the Sandcrawler that came by yesterday lying on it's side, battered and dented. Dead jawas are lying around it. Curiously, he gets out of his landspeeder and examines the wreck. Big Elephant--ahem, Bantha-- tracks lead in all directions, and Tusken Raider Clubs are lying everywhere. Puke: Man... those Sand People are real jerks... killing innocent slave droid traders like this... Hokey-Yawn's Voice From The Back Of Puke's Landspeeder:
They didn't do this, you half wit. Puke jumps and spins around to see Hokey-Yawn climbing out of the back of his landspeeder. Puke: God, you scared me... Hold on, why are you here? Hokey-Yawn: I'm integral to the plot, genius. And may I point out that these Big Elephant tracks are side by side. Sand People always... Puke: Yeah, yeah, we all know that. Hokey-Yawn: And what kind of Tusken Raider just drops his club like that when he's all done massacaring? Puke: Yeah, I know, I get it, but-Hokey-Yawn: And look at these blaster scorches on the side of the thing. No Tusken Raider has aim that bad. Only Imperial Sandtroopers are so hopelessly-Puke: I know, but what-Hokey-Yawn: And the graffiti sprayed onto the side. It's in English-- I mean Basic. Tusken Raiders speak and write only in, er, Tusken Raiderish. Puke: Will you shut up, I-Hokey-Yawn: And the Jawas strung up by their insides over there. Now, what Tusken Raider would do that? Puke: Put a sock in it, I don't care if-Hokey-Yawn: And these rather un-subtle "Tusken Raiders Were Here" signs posted everywhere. No Tusken Raider would bother too-Puke: SHUT UP! Just then, a laughing Tusken Raider crawls out of the wreck, laughing. Tusken Raider: Yeah, man, we hit this place good, didn't we? Heh heh heh... You should've
seen the looks on those Sandtroopers' faces when they came along and saw that we'd already been here! Ha ha... Man, I gotta get back to camp... He runs off into the distance. There is a long, awkward silence. Puke looks cautiously over at Hokey-Yawn. Hokey-Yawn: Well, maybe they speak Basic sometimes. Puke: You know, if Sandtroopers were here, do you think they might've been able to trace the two droids to... MY HOME!? He runs madly back to his landspeeder. Hokey-Yawn watches him, shaking his head. Hokey-Yawn: (Boredly.) No. Stop. It's too dangerous. Come back. Puke's landspeeder takes off. Hokey-Yawn sighs. Hokey-Yawn: Kids. Puke's landspeeder comes to a halt outside his home late that afternoon. A shocking sight meets his eyes: His ma and pa are sitting outside his quite undamaged hovel in lawnchairs, reading magazines. Puke: Hold on a sec. This is where I'm supposed to have an Emotional Moment. What's going on? He turns around for a moment, in thought. Suddenly, he hears a loud explosion behind him. Whipping around, he sees a large crater where his hovel used to be, and a cheap sign posted next to it saying, "TUSKEN RAIDERS WERE ALSO HERE" Puke: What th-He looks up and sees the Imperial Shuttle we saw before flying away. Puke: Grrrr... those stupid nazis! They killed my folks! He has his Emotional Moment. Puke: Well, my pa was a jerk, but my ma was actually kinda half-OK... Hokey-Yawn From Behind Him: You know, Sand People didn't do this. Puke spins around. Puke: Shut up! (His eyes widen.) Wait, how'd YOU get here? Hokey-Yawn: I walked. It's a thing you do with your legs. C-SOB and R2 step out from behind him. Puke: Man, I just can't get an Emotional Moment to myself anymore, can I? Dang... Well, I guess there's nothing left for me to do but go and rescue this girl. Hokey-Yawn: Bye. Good luck and all that. Puke: Come on, R2, I need you. And you too, goldie, you're the only one who understands
the way that little creep talks... C-SOB: Oh, my. All this excitement is just too much. If you don't mind, sir, I'm going to collapse for no reason. Puke: Sure, go ahead.
MOS EISLEY SPACEPORTPuke and the others ride through the city in his trusty landspeeder. Suddenly, a bunch of Sandtroopers step out in front of the landspeeder. Lead Sandtrooper: Hey you! Is that tiny little droid carrying Darth Vader's Teddy Bear? Puke: Er... Hokey-Yawn's Voice From The Back Seat: You don't need to know that. Lead Sandtrooper: Ah, yeah we do. Puke spins around. Puke: OK, Hokey-Yawn, you're starting to freak me out. Hokey-Yawn: (Concentrating hard.) You don't need to know that. The Sandtrooper Named Katie: Trying to be fresh, huh? Lead Sandtrooper: Show me your identification. Hokey-Yawn: You don't need to see my identification. Lead Sandtrooper: Look, baldy, I need to see your ID. Now fork it over, or I'll have to take you downtown. Hokey-Yawn: You don't have to take me downtown. Lead Sandtrooper: That's it, boys. He's asked for it. Confiscate the droids, arrest the bum, and beat the tar outta the geezer in the back seat. Hokey-Yawn: You don't-Puke: Hokey-Yawn, what the HELL are you trying to do?? Hokey-Yawn: Damnit, I'm too old for this whole mental force thing. FLOOR IT, PUKE! Puke drives the landspeeder forward at top speed, knocking over a few Sandtroopers as it speeds out of sight. Lead Sandtrooper: Quick! After them! The Sandtroopers march after the landspeader, guns at the ready. Puke manages to lose them, and parks his landspeeder near a sleazy-looking Cantina. Hokey-Yawn: Well, here we are. The Cantina. Yup. You will never find a more-Puke: Yeah, yeah, I know, I read the pamphlets.
Puke, Hokey-Yawn, and the two droids stroll into the Cantina. It is filled with loads of extras wearing cheesy rubber masks. The bartender looks up upon seeing them come in and scowls. Bartender: Hey! We don't serve their kind here! Puke: Excuse me? Bartender: The old guy! He'll have to wait outside, we don't want him in here. Hokey-Yawn: Oh, all right... He walks off in a huff. Hokey-Yawn: (Muttering to himself.) Bartenders... Puke walks over to the Bartender and orders a glass of water. Bartender: Are you CRAZY!? This is a planet where we farm MOISTURE for a LIVING, and you walk in here and order a glass of WATER!? What the heck is WRONG with you!? Puke: Geez, I'm sorry. Guess I'll have a vibrobeer then... An ugly alien resembling a walrus saunters over. Walrus Alien: Groof blugh chugga nogh beggho logi. Puke: Huh? The alien's buddy, a guy with a face that looks like it's been run over by a lawn mower, joins him. Ugly Guy: He doesn't like you. Puke: Er... Ugly Guy: I don't like you either. Puke: Uh... Ugly Guy: In fact, I'm gonna hurt you! Hokey-Yawn From Behind Him: This little whelp isn't worth the trouble. Here, come over here and I'll give you a real fight. Bartender: Hey! I thought I told you to scram! Puke: He never leaves. Ugly Guy: Die, coward! The ugly guy shoves Puke to the floor and draws his blaster. Hokey-Yawn reaches for his lightsaber, but can't find it. Annoyed, he begins searching the floor for it. Puke: Augh! No blasters! No blasters! No blasters! The squad of Sandtroopers kicks down the door, blasters drawn. They spot Puke on the
floor, and the two droids nearby. Bartender: Hey! We don't serve your kind in here! Get out! They blast his head off. Sandtrooper: Hey, we shot somebody! Puke jumps to his feet and whips out the lightsaber he borrowed from Hokey-Yawn. He clicks the "on" switch, and a glowing blade springs from the end of it. Puke: Woah! He twirls it around, accidently lopping off the heads of the five aliens on his right. The Sandtroopers run towards him, howling a war cry. Puke: NOT TODAY! He twirls the saber around again, cutting off the Walrus Alien's leg and the Ugly Man's pinkie finger. Ugly Man and Walrus Alien: Ack! Hokey-Yawn gives up the search for his other lightsaber and strikes up a conversation with a charming young pilot in the corner, while the fight rages on behind him. Charming Young Pilot: Yeah, she's fast. She made the Kessel Run in twelve parsecs. Hokey-Yawn: That's a measurement of space, not time. Charming Young Pilot: Er... yeah. Puke and the droids escape out the handy back door, with the Sandtroopers right at their heels, and the Ugly Man and Walrus Alien limping after them. Hokey-Yawn: You're a smuggler, right? Charming Young Pilot: You... you could say that. The name's Solo. Hannah Solo. This here's my buddy, Chewy. Hey, Chewy! Get over here and meet this old fart! Chewy: YAAAAARGH! Hannah Solo: No, Chewy! Bad Chewy! You don't try to bite off people's heads! Bad! He takes out a cattle prod and gives the Wookiie a few good zaps on the butt. Hannah Solo: Sorry about that. He gets a little uptight after a few drinks... Puke and the two droids come racing through the front door of the Cantina and run right back out the back door. The entire squad of Sandtroopers runs after him, followed by the Ugly Man and Walrus Alien. Hannah: What's the cargo? Hokey-Yawn: Two droids, one bum, me...
He leans very close to Hannah's face, lowering his voice to a confidential whisper. Hokey-Yawn: ...And two vibrocrates of dope... for my nerves, y'know. Hannah: Gotcha. Puke and the droids tear through the Cantina again, only this time they hide under a table. The Sandtroopers, the Ugly Man, and the Walrus Alien dash right through the Cantina a few seconds later. Puke slams the front door and bolts it, and the Sandtroopers collide with the closed door moments later with a loud crash. Puke: Heh heh heh. Hokey-Yawn: Hey, Puke! Hannah here says he'll take us to Alderbland for 17,ooo credits! Puke: What the heck?? I don't have that much! Hokey-Yawn: You can sell your convertible--er, landspeeder. Puke: Never. Why don't I just fly us there myself? Why do we need this son of a-Hokey-Yawn: He's an essential character. We have to take him with us. Hannah smiles his most charming smile. Puke: Oh, all right. But you'd better not put the moves on any of my love interests, got it? Hannah: Whatever you say. Hokey-Yawn: Great. Hannah, we'll pay you once we get there, all right? Hannah: Oh, whatever. Now get your wrinkly butt to Docking Bay 94. I'll be there in a sec when I'm through coversing with this dumb green bounty hunter who couldn't shoot a guy two feet away from him without missing. Hokey-Yawn: OK, Puke, let's go. They leave the Cantina through the handy back door. Hannah gets to his feet, looking very happy indeed. Hannah: Did you hear that sucker, Chewy? 17,000 smackers! This could really save my butt. Come on, let's go! As he gets up to leave, though, a dumb green bounty hunter who couldn't shoot a guy two feet away from him without missing accosts him. Dumb Green Bounty Hunter: Oona goonta, Solo? Hannah: Yeah, oona goonta. He blows the bounty hunter away with his blaster. George Lucas runs out in front of him, waving his hands frantically. George Lucas: No, no, no! Cut! I don't like that! Do it over! The dumb green bounty hunter gets to his feet. Hannah groans as George Lucas makes
staggeringly large changes to the shooting script. George Lucas: OK, action! Hannah walks toward the door, but a dumb green bounty hunter accosts him. Dumb Green Bounty Hunter: Oona goonta, Solo? Hannah: Yeah, oona goonta. The dumb green dounty hunter fires at him with his blaster, but misses. Hannah blows the bounty hunter away. George Lucas: Perfect! Amazing! Stupendous! Hannah shoots George in the groin. George falls to the ground, moaning in a voice now seven octaves higher. As Hannah exits, stepping over the headless and decapitated bodies littering the floor, he drops a coin into the You Can Make A Difference: Amnesty International Donations box. Hannah: Sorry about the mess.
LATER, AT DOCKING BAY 94Puke, R2, C-SOB, Hokey-Yawn, Hannah, and Chewy all look at Hannah's ship, The Y2K Bug. Puke: What a peice of sh-Hannah: She may not look like much, boy, but she's got it where it counts. Kinda like my old girlfreind. At that moment, the Sandtrooper squad comes up behind them. Katie: We got 'em! Lead Sandtrooper: Ha ha ha! Puke: Wait just a vibro-belching minute! How did you guys know where we were?? Lead Sandtrooper: A metal elephant in a black cloak told us. Puke: Damn. I hate those guys. Hannah: RUN TO THE SHIP! RUN TO THE SHIP! They all turn and run for their lives for the ship. The Sandtroopers immediately start blasting away at them. They don't even hit the ground. Inside the ship, Han raises the entry ramp and dashes to the cockpit. Hannah: Buckle up, boys, we're OUTTA here! He slams his fist down on the "OUTTA HERE" button and the ship rises into the air and rockets into space. Puke: Woah, you did it! Cool. Just then, two STY fighters swoop down upon the Y2K and open fire on it.
Hannah: Damnit. The STYs blast off half of the Y2K. Everyone crowds into the cockpit and Hannah seals the door. Puke: Quick, Hannah! Get us outta here! Hannah: I'm trying, boy! I'm getting ready to jump to lightspeed! Puke: But-Hannah: Shut up! First I gotta set the coordinates, then I gotta optimize the power supply and double-check the thrusters, and then I have to warm up the hyper-Puke reaches forward and presses the HYPERSPACE button. The lopsided ship lurches to lightspeed. Swirls of blue color surround them. Hannah: Oh.
ABOARD THE ROCK STARLeia is standing with Captain Enema and Darth Vader in front of a huge window, where the peaceful scrub planet Alderaan, can be seen. Captain Enema: Well, I see you've resisted the interrogation, princess. Darth Vader: No, boss, she grabbed the Torture Droid and smashed it against the wall. Captain Enema: (Blinking.) Dearie me. It was very expensive. Leia: Um, I'm not really gonna talk, so you might as well just kill me, you know? Captain Enema: I thought you'd say that. But, my dear, we have our SFX Ray pointed right at your home planet. My, my, and I think we're going to fire it. Leia: No! You can't do that! My daddy's on that rock! And my boyfreind! And my ex-boyfreind! (Thinks for a moment.) Oh yeah, and over ten billion common people as well! Captain Enema: Well, then, this will be fun. (Casually.) But I'm sure that the SFX laser might not get fired if you just told us where that little rebel base we've been discussing is... Leia: Er... um... Flemtooine? Captain Enema: Goody goody! Thank you for telling us, dear. (To somebody off-camera.) Fire the laser. Leia: But-- You-Captain Enema: I'm a villain, what did you expect? Leia: You're like, like that guy I saw on TV-- I mean, vibroTV a while ago! Captain Enema: I'm flattered. The massive SFX laser is fired toward the planet. It explodes in a brilliant display of CGI.
Everyone Aboard The Rock Star: Ooooooooooooooh... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... Leia: (Screaming at the window.) I'M SORRY, ROBERT, YOU'RE NOT A WEIRDO! I DIDN'T MEAN IT WHEN I SAID WE WERE THROUGH! Captain Enema: Looks like "Robert" is sleeping with the asteroids, now, hmm? (To Vader.) Put her in detention immediately until we sort out this whole "Flemtooine" business... INSIDE THE COCKPIT OF WHAT'S LEFT OF THE Y2K Hokey-Yawn reels backwards, clutching his head. Hokey-Yawn: Argh! Puke: What? Hokey-Yawn: (Weakly.) Migraine. It gets worse when someone croaks. Puke: Why? Hokey-Yawn: 'Cause I'm a jedi, you stupid kid! Puke: Get outta here, you've gotta be at LEAST a hundred years old! You can't even stop a Sandtrooper from checking your ID! Hokey-Yawn: Ah, shut up. Puke: I could be a better jedi then you, oldie! Hokey-Yawn: Oh yeah?? Well then, go on! I just happen to have a handy jedi remote shooter trainer thingy with me. Cover your eyes and block all of it's shots with that thin little saber you've got. Puke: That's impossible! Hokey-Yawn: Not for a jedi, it isn't. A jedi can feel the force flowing through him! Puke: Yeah, in a minute you're gonna feel this saber flowing through you. They come out of lightspeed right into a hail of fiery rocks. Hannah: AUGH! Puke: WHAT?? Hannah: Alderbland's gone! There's just this big ol' fiery-rock shower goin' on, like it's been blown up or somethin'. Puke: Well, I'll be damned. Hannah: Yeah, I know... One of the fiery boulders rips out a hunk of the Y2K. Hannah: Man, this sucks... Wait! What's that big gray sphere over there that's definitely too big to be a space station?
Hokey-Yawn: (Squinting.) That there's a space station. Hannah: Damn you. Hey! It's pullin' us in with some kind of tractor beam! Hokey-Yawn: Nah, that there's a giant magnet on a long pole. Hannah: Will you just shut up!? The Y2K is pulled toward the magnet, which recedes into the Rock Star. As soon as the ship is inside, the big metal door slams shut behind it. The same squad of Stormtroopers that we've all met before come marching over to it, sniggering. Lead Sandtrooper: We've got 'em now! They kick down the door and march into what's left of the Y2K. The sounds of a large and brutal fight can be heard issuing from inside. A second later, all of the Stormtroopers run quickly out and lock themselves inside the first room they come to. Inside, they pull off their helmets to reveal the faces of Puke, Hokey-Yawn, Chewy, Hannah, and C-SOB. R2 rolls out from behind them. Puke: Now THAT was a good idea! Hannah: Well, now what do we do? We're trapped on some giant space station without any means of escaping and there are 6 angry naked stormtroopers on our tails now. We're Vader chow. Hokey-Yawn: You know, I bet you could get some pics of them angry naked stormtroopers and get a pretty penny for them... Puke: God, you're sick for an old guy. Hokey-Yawn: Well, how do you think a guy like me survived Jedi College? R2-Rnot: Beepety bleep boop! C-SOB: What do you mean, "Look what I learned here just from making love to the computer terminal"? R2-Rnot: Bop boop beep boop! C-SOB: What do you mean, "They've got the princess of Alderaan held prisoner in Detention Cell 347"? Hokey-Yawn: Aha! So that's where the little brat is. Puke: We have to save her! Hokey-Yawn: Save her?? She's the one who got us into this jam in the first place! Hannah: Yeah, and you guys owe me a lotta money! Puke: Shut up. She's in danger, and it's up to US to rescue her! Hannah: Look, tot, this has all been very fun, you know, but I owe Pizza the Hutt a hell of
a lot of money, so if you'll just-Puke: That doesn't matter anymore! We'll all die aboard this thing if we don't find a way out! Hokey-Yawn: He's right, you know. Puke: Great. Hokey-Yawn, you see if you can sabotage that giant magnet so that we can escape. C-SOB, R2Rnot, you two stay here and watch the monitors. Hannah, Chewy and me will go and try to rescue the princess. Come on! Hannah: Oh, whatever... They all split up. Hannah, Chewy, and Puke, in their Stormtrooper disguises, rush down shiny metal hallway #456 until they come to a door marked "Detention Cells." They break down the door and let fly with a dazzling barrage of laser fire. Only after five minutes of nonstop blasting away do they realize that the room is empty. Puke: Whoops. Do these things run out of shots? Hannah: I doubt it. Quick, you go look for the girl, I'll stand guard here. Suddenly, a voice comes in over the intercom. Voice: What the hell is goin' on over there??? Hannah: (Muttering.) Damn. (Loudly.) Ah, never mind, boss, sir. Just a slight weapons malfunction, sir... Everything's Okeeday up here, yep. No need to send 5,000 stormtroopers up here to investigate, no sir. 5,000 Stormtroopers rush into the room, guns blasting. Hannah and Chewy both yelp and frantically try to hold them off. Meanwhile, Puke finds Leia's cell door and knocks it down. Leia is inside, sighing and gazing out the window, pulling petals off of a delicate rose, a tear rolling down her cheek. Puke clears his throat, and she looks up abruptly. Leia: Who the hell are you? Puke: Uh, I'm Puke. Puke Starboozer. Leia: Huh? Like, what kind of a name is that for a Stormtrooper? Puke pulls off his helmet. Puke: I'm here to rescue you! Now come on, let's go! Leia: Did you bring the old guy? Puke: Hokey-Yawn? Yeah, he's here too, I guess. Leia: Ugh, I like, totally can't stand him. But he was, you know, the only guy I could ask for help. They run back into the room with Hannah and Chewy, where the Stormtroopers are spill-
ing into the room. Hannah: PUKE! SAVE ME! I WANNA LIVE!!!!! Puke grabs Hannah and Chewy's arms and pulls them into a nearby hallway. Hannah: Now what?? Leia grabs Hannah's blaster and squeezes off a round in the direction of the Stormtroopers. Hundreds of them fall dead instantly. Hannah: Woah. Leia: Quick, jump down this handy tunnel in the wall that leads to Nowhere. They jump down the handy tunnel in the wall that leads to Nowhere and land in the Garbage Compactor. Puke: Ugh. I'd prefer Nowhere to this. Leia bends over and pulls something out of the slime. Leia: Hey! My scrunchie! That jerk! He threw it away! Gollum jumps up out of the garbage and grabs Puke's neck. Gollum: Precioussssss! My precioussssssss! Hannah puts a laser bolt in Gollum's head, and he flops over, dead. Hannah: OK, that was getting annoying. Puke: Look, Hannah, you gotta stop shootin' people! Hannah shoots Puke in the leg. Puke: OW! OW! OW! OW! THAT HURT! Hannah: Yeah, well, don't mouth off to me, OK? And for God's sake, relax, it won't fall off or anything. Puke's injured leg drops right off. Hannah: Well, I'll be darned. Leia quickly ties a bandage over Puke's leg stump. Puke is staring at where his leg used to be, stunned. In the corner, an unshaven, starved-looking gungan dressed in garbage is gnawing hungrily on a bone. He looks up at them. Gungan: Beleive mesa, once dey throw yousa in here, theysa never lets yousa out. Hannah: Oh my god. It's YOU! He shoots Jar Jar in the stomach. Jar Jar doesn't even flinch. Jar Jar: Mesa still here! Just then, with a loud creaking noise, the walls of the garbage compactor begin to slowly
close together. Hannah: Man, what next? Chewy: RAGGGHHH!!! RAGH! ROGHR! ROOGHR! Leia: Just chill, OK?
A DEEP, DEEP PITA small control panel is suspended by energy beams over a deep, deep pit for no reason. Hokey-Yawn is standing on the edge of it, flipping every lever and pulling every switch on the panel. Hokey-Yawn: Damnit, in my day you just pressed a button and somethin' happened. Nowadays they got these great big ole' pits and magnets and beams and God knows what else! He bangs his fist on the panel and a loud alarm goes off. Hokey-Yawn (Groaning.) Oh great.
THE GARBAGE COMPACTORThe walls are now about ten feet apart and closing. Everyone is scrambling to brace them with flimsy metal poles. Hannah: It's no use! We're going to DIE! He notices the Jar Jar is calmly reading a soggy newspaper. Hannah: What's up with you?? Jar Jar: Mesa can't die, remember? Wesa gungans liva forever! HA HA HA HA HA HA! Hannah shoots the gungan in the groin. He dies instantly and keels over backwards in mid-laughter. Hannah: Nah, you just gotta hit 'em in the right spot. Leia is still digging around in the muck and pulling stuff up. Leia: My charm bracelet! My headband! Ooh, that captain guy is in soooo much troouble! Look, he even threw away my comlink! Puke: Your comlink? He grabs it and dials C-SOB's personal comlink number. Puke: (Shouting into the comlink.) C-SOB! C-SOB!
THE CONTROL ROOM WHERE THE TWO DROIDS AREC-SOB and R2-Rnot are sitting in front of one of the monitors, watching football--ahem, vibrofootball. C-SOB is so entranced he can hardly hear his personal comlink bellowing.
THE GARBAGE COMPACTOR
The walls are only eight feet apart now. Puke: Dang, C-SOB isn't picking up. God, I wonder where Hokey-Yawn is... The walls are now only six feet apart. The sound of trash crunching and metal flattening can be heard.
THE SUSPENDED CONTROL PANEL WHERE HOKEY-YAWN ISHokey-Yawn frantically presses every button in sight, but none of them seem to do anything important.
THE GARBAGE COMPACTORThe walls are only four feet apart now. Leia: It's, like, no use. We're gonna die. Hannah: Well, as long as we're gonna die, how about givin' me some sugar? Leia: You got it, hotshot. They begin to french kiss. Puke watches in horror as they become so intertwined that they might as well be eating each other's faces. Puke: Ugh. The walls are now only two feet apart. Leia and Hannah both sink into the garbage, plastered to each other.
THE SUSPENDED CONTROL PANELHokey-Yawn, frustrated, jabs one of the buttons. Immediately, the walls of the Garbage Compactor stop moving. Disco lights turn on and illuminate the room. Hokey-Yawn: Dang, that didn't do anything. He slams his fist down on another button. The disco lights turn off and loud rock music plays inside the Garbage Compactor. Hokey-Yan jabs another button. The Garbage Compactor door springs open as if by magic, revealing a well-guarded hallway beyond. Hokey-Yawn: Dang! He presses another button. The auto-annihilate mechanism turns on and blows all of the Stormtroopers guarding the hall to smithereens. Hokey-Yawn: Man! Who built this rat-trap? He presses another button. A loud mechanical sound is heard, and a robotic voice says, "Giant Magnet Destroyed." Hokey-Yawn: Now that's more like it! Oh yeah! Who's the man? Who's the man?
THE GARBAGE COMPACTORLeia and Hannah look up and realize that the danger has passed. They look back at each
other. Leia: Ewwwww, you sicko! She socks him in the jaw, gets to her feet, and strides out the door and into the hallway. THE HUGE HANGAR WHERE THE Y2K IS SITTING IDLY Everyone meets up in the hangar. Puke: Whew. That was intense. OK, now, let's get outta here. Hannah: Everyone get on the ship! As he says that, Darth Vader steps out of the shadows, his lightsaber ignited. Hokey-Yawn: Hey! It's my old 'prentice! ... God, you look like a can opener! What'd they do to you? Darth Vader: Shut up and die! He lunges at the old guy with his sword and spears him right through the chest. Hokey-Yawn: (Mildly stunned.) Ouch. The old man evaporates instantly. Everyone stares at the spot where he was just a few seconds ago. Darth Vader: Somehow that wasn't as satisfying as I was hoping. Oh, well. I WON! I WON! OH YEAH! I KICKED YOUR BUTT! Hokey-Yawn's Disembodied Voice: Only 'cause I let you, sissy! Darth Vader: SISSY!? Let me tell you something, you... While Darth Vader and Hokey-Yawn's disembodied voice argue with each other, Puke and the others make a break for the Y2K. Meanwhile, an invisible foot kicks Darth Vader in the nether regions. Darth Vader: No fair! No fair! Ow! Oof! Stop it, you wrinkly old jedi has-been! Darth Vader looks up just in time to see what's left of the ship flying away. Darth Vader: Grrrrrr... As the Y2K shoots into space, several STY fighters fly after it, peppering it with laser fire as some kind of elaborate hoax designed to make them think that they are escaping instead of being let go. Another huge chunk of the Y2K is ripped off, leaving only the cockpit intact. Everyone is crammed inside in awkward positions, while Hannah struggles with the controls. Hannah: Damn... ships... He presses the Hyperspace button and the cockpit jumps to lightspeed, leaving the STYs far, far behind.
Hannah: Whew. Puke: Woah. Cool. Leia: You guys, like, totally saved me. Thanks. Puke: Aw, it was nothing. Leia: You rock.
YAVIN 4The Y2K cockpit lands inside the hangar of the Yavin 4 rebel base. Leia: Well, what do you know. There is a rebel base. Puke: Wow, R2, how'd you know where this place was? R2-Rnot: Beep. Boop. Beep. C-SOB: What do you mean, "I know everything"? Someone Important walks up to Puke and shakes his hand. Someone Important: Hey there, Whoever You Are. Good show doing Whatever You Did. Puke: Wow, you really think so? Someone Important: Uh huh. Now gimme the droid and we'll get Vader on the HoloScreen.
SOME VERY IMPORTANT COUNCIL ROOMAll of the rebels and all of the Important People are seated in front of a large HoloScreen displaying Darth Vader's visage. Darth Vader: What do you want? Someone Important: I just wanted you to know that we have your FAVORITE TEDDY BEAR HERE! Darth Vader nearly jumps out of his armor as Someone Important raises the teddy bear for him to see. Darth Vader: WINKUMS! I mean, ahem... So what? Like I care. Someone Important: I'll make you a deal. You give us the Plans To The Rock Star, and we may... just may... spare 'Winkum's' life. Darth Vader thinks it over for a second. Darth Vader: Deal. Now give the teddy bear to me, or I'll choke the crap outta you just by looking at you, which I can do by the way. Someone Important: First give me the plans, THEN you'll have your teddy. Darth Vader: Why you--
Someone Important tightens his grip on the teddy bear.DarthVader:Oh,allright.
The image of Vader flickers and disappears. A few minutes later, a Delivery Bot scoots into the room with the Plans To The Rock Star Inside. Someone Important looks them over, nods, and then loads the teddy inside. The Delivery Bot scoots away. Someone Important: (To the rebels.) All right, men. We have the plans, now the time for action has come! Anyone who can fly a Z-Wing fighter, get your studly ace-pilot behind into a cockpit. The rest of you, just stay here and watch the holographic monitor like you're doing Something Important. Rebels: SIR YES SIR!
OUTSIDE THE ROOM, IN THE HANGAR FULL OF Z-WINGSPuke: Hannah, you can fly a ship, right? Hannah: Of course I can. And apparently I do it for free, too. Puke: You have to stay and help us! Hannah: Oh yeah? I'm outta here as soon as I get my reward. Someone Important walks up to Hannah and hands him a check. Hannah: Sweet! OK, I'm outta here. Puke: No! Don't go! Hannah: Look, if I leave now, I may be able to come in and save your butt right after every other fighter has been wiped out, OK? It'll be nice and dramatic, now shut up and let me go. Puke: If that that's you can do, FINE! Hannah: FINE! Chewy, get your furry behind over here, we're leaving. Chewy: Roghwr? Hannah: Yeah, roghwr. Hannah and Chewy climb into the Y2K's cockpit and fly it out of the hangar. Puke: *Sigh* What a scoundrel. One of Puke's childhood freinds, Huge, runs over, looking excited enough to wet himself. Huge: Heya, pal! Guess what? I made it into the Special Edition! Puke: Good for you. Huge: Dude! D'ya think I'll make it into the next movie? Puke: Nah, I don't think so. You're too hopeless and pathetic. Huge: Hopeless? Me? Get outta town. And just look at these Z-Wings we're flying! Re-
minds me of the Skyhoppers we used to race. Puke: 'Skyhoppers'? Good lord, what was Lucas smoking when thought of that? Huge: Aw, isn't this just like old times? Puke: (Shrugging.) Not really. The fate of the universe rests on our shoulders. Huge: Dude, what's up with you? You had one of the those 'Hero's Journey' things or somethin'? Freaky.
ABOARD THE ROCK STARDarth Vader is hugging his teddy bear and cooing to it softly. Darth Vader: There, there, Winkums. I won't ever let any more rebels hurt you again. I'll blow them all up. Captain Enema walks into the room. Captain Enema: Servant! The rebels have attained the plans to the Rock Star! Darth Vader: So? Captain Enema: (Realizing something.) Hold on... your teddy... the plans... the rebels... the teddy... you have the teddy... they must have... you must have... He gasps. Captain Enema: YOU FOOL! He shakes Darth Vader by the shoulders vigorously. Darth Vader: Yeah, so what? We got a handy tracking thingy on their ship, so we can follow them to the rebel base, right? Captain Enema: They might find a weakness in our glorious design and exploit it! Darth Vader: "Weakness?" It's a big astroid with a laser stuck on it! You said so yourself! Captain Enema: (Coldly.) Bad Vader! Giving the plans to the rebels! Bad Vader! He smacks Vader. Vader drops to the ground, whimpering. Captain Enema: No biscuit for you! Now go to your room and stay there while I convince myself to remain calm and confident. Darth Vader: Yes, master... He scampers off.
SPACEA whole squadron of Z-Wings flies toward the nearby Rock Star, which is steadily approaching Yavin 4. Puke: OK, everyone. You all know the plan?
Everyone Else: Yup. Puke: Good. Now remember, we have to blow up that thing before it blows up Yavin 4, got it? Everyone Else: Yup. Puke: OK. I need all expendable yet endearing characters to follow me into that big trench that's there for no reason, OK? Huge and Fatso: Yup. Puke, Huge, and Fatso race into the trench. Immediately, three STY fighters zoom after them. One of them has bent wings, and Darth Vader is piloting it. Darth Vader: Gee, I just love risking my life in these petty space battles. I just wish I didn't get the STY fighter with the lousy bent wings every single time... It really screws up the areodynamics. The two STY fighters without Darth Vader in them are blown up by the rebel Z-Wings. Puke: YAHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Just then, Darth Vader singlehandedly blows up every other Z-Wing besides the one with Puke in it. Puke: Dang. Why does everything have to blow up around here? He closes in on the huge, 2-inch wide target that he has to hit with his handy vibro-heatseeking-missile. His handy targeting computer shows him a hokey wire-frame picture of the target getting closer and closer. Hokey-Yawn's Disembodied Voice: Use the Force, Puke! Huge's Disembodied Voice: Yeah, kid! Puke: Gah! Hokey-Yawn, this is kind of important, you know? And Huge, what the heck are you doing as a disembodied voice? You're not a jedi! Huge: Yeah, I was! They used to call me Windu. Puke: No kidding. Now leave me alone, I have a target to hit.
ABOARD THE ROCK STARTwo officers walk up to Captain Enema. First Officer: Sir, they could blow this whole damn thing up. I reccomend evacuating. Captain Enema: Evacuate? Evacuating is for sissies. Remind me to have you executed later. Mechanical Voice: SFX Laser recharged and ready to kick some serious planetary butt. Captain Enema: Great. Fire it at Yavin 4.
THE ROCK STAR TRENCHHokey-Yawn's Disembodied Voice: Use the force, Puke! Puke: Will you shut up!? I have to concentrate here. I only get one shot, you know. Behind him, Puke can hear Darth Vader's STY-fighter approaching. Darth Vader: Hmm. The force is strong with this one. He farts. Darth Vader: No, wait, that was just gas. He's just a little farmoby. Hasta la vista, kiddo! He is just about to press the "Fire Missile" button on the control panel when the Rock Star fires it's SFX laser right at Yavin 4! Vader pauses and looks up as the deadly pink beam of CGI streaks towards the defenseless planet. Puke: DAMN! Everyone On Yavin 4 Who Can Speak English: DAMN! Hokey-Yawn's Disembodied Voice: DAMN! Darth Vader: Boo-yah! Hannah, From The Y2K's Cockpit: NOT TODAY! Puke looks up and sees the Y2K's cockpit zooming in front of the laser. Puke: Oh my god. He's gonna commit suicide! Don't do it, Hannah! This is MY 'Hero's Journey!' Hannah: Don't try to stop me! A giant mirror unfolds out of the back of the Y2K's cockpit. The massive laser beam bounces off of the mirror and hits the Rock Star instead, travelling right down it's mechanical equivalent of an anus. Captain Enema: Oh... sh-There is a humongous explosion. Everyone aboard the Rock Star dies, but Darth Vader, still inside his STY-wing, is merely flung into the far reaches of space. Everyone on Yavin 4: Ooooooooh.... Aaaaaaaaaaah... Puke: Now THAT was an explosion. Hannah: You're telling me. Hokey-Yawn: You should have used the force, Puke! Puke: SHUT UP!
A VERY BIG HALLWAY ON YAVIN 4, LATER THAT DAYPuke and Hannah and Chewy march up the giant steps to the spot where Leia is. Leia
smiles and gives Puke a medal, then Hannah a medal. Chewy starts to grumble, but Leia punches him out. The music swells. Puke: Oh yeah. Life is good. C-SOB: That's all, folks! THE END
DISCLAIMER:2.This story is a work of fiction written in appreciation of Star Wars; to promote the Star Wars franchise and to keep it alive. All characters and settings original to the Star Wars movies and/or novelizations are copyright to Lucasfilm, Ltd. The rest is copyright to the story's author. No profit was gained from this story.