Chapter 9Staying Close Staying Close

Maintaining Maintaining Relationships Relationships

Activate your BrainWhat does it mean to maintain a relationship?Which of these statements is true?

◦Relationships stay together unless something tears them apart.

◦Relationships require effort or else they fall apart.

What is the most important aspect of maintaining a romantic relationship?

What is the most important aspect of maintaining a friendship?

Why do approximately 50% of marriages in the US end in divorce?

Defining Relational Maintenance

Relational Maintenance: Four common definitions keeping a relationship in existence keeping a relationship in a specified state or

condition keeping a relationship in satisfactory condition keeping a relationship in repair (prevent and repair

problems)

Basically, “keeping a relationship at a desired level” (e.g., professional, or casual friend, or romantic)

Maintenance can be strategic or routine (pp. 212-213)

Two Overarching Two Overarching PerspectivesPerspectives

Centrifugal Perspective: ◦Relationships require

maintenance or else they deteriorate

Centripetal Perspective: ◦Established relationships

are automatically maintained unless something tears them apart

Box 9.3, p. 215

Prosocial Maintenance Prosocial Maintenance BehaviorsBehaviors

Stafford & Canary (Married & Dating Couples)oPositivity: o Making interactions pleasant and enjoyable

oOpenness: o Self-disclosure, sharing secrets, and routine talk

oAssurances: o Giving each other assurances about commitment

oSocial Networking: o Spending time with each other’s social network

oTask Sharing: o Performing routine tasks and o chores relationship together

Additional Maintenance Additional Maintenance BehaviorsBehaviorsoSupportiveness: o Giving social support and encouragement

o Joint Activities:o Engaging in activities and spending time together

oRomance and Affection: o Revealing positive, caring feelings for each other

oHumor: o Using inside jokes and other forms of humor

oConstructive Conflict Management: o Promote problem-solving and harmony

Antisocial Maintenance Antisocial Maintenance BehaviorsBehaviorsFrom Box 9.2 (p. 210)oAvoidanceoNo flirtingoTalking about others (esp. a partner)oJealousy inductionoSpyingoInfidelityoAllowing controloDestructive conflict

In sum--In sum--Prosocial Maintenance Behaviors..

predict whether couples stay together or break up.

are positively associated with relational satisfaction and commitment (especially positivity, assurances, & social networking).

Antisocial Maintenance Behaviors Manipulative and controlling Why would a partner ever use these behaviors?

They decrease satisfaction and even sometimes lead to termination

When used as “maintenance” they are attempts to control the partner (prevent breaking up), make partner see you as more desirable, to avoid conflict, or keep relationship at “desired level” of intimacy or closeness.

Modality of Maintenance Modality of Maintenance BehaviorBehaviorModality = channel of

communication◦ Face-to-face or mediated◦ Some maintenance behaviors can be done

in both modalities but others cannot (e.g., task sharing such as working on a paper together vs. doing dishes)

◦ Facebook users tend to send messages of assurance and positivity

◦ Close friends and romantic partners need more than just Facebook to maintain intimacy.

Maintenance Behaviors in Maintenance Behaviors in Online RelationshipsOnline Relationships

Wright (2004)—openness and positivity most frequently used

Types of relationships (Rabby, 2007)◦ Virtual relationships◦ Pinocchio relationship◦ Cyber emigrant relationships◦ Real world relationships

Virtual-only group least maintenance behavior unless highly committed

How do we end a relationship in a social networking site?

Maintenance Behaviors in Maintenance Behaviors in Romantic RelationshipsRomantic Relationships

Openness, assurances, and positivity seem to be most common

However, patterns change overtime:◦ As become more committed, may provide

more assurances, share more tasks, and integrate social networks

◦ Dating, more mediated communication◦ Openness and positivity may peak before

full commitment (marriage)◦ Once married, maintenance

may be curvilinear

Maintenance in Same-Sex Maintenance in Same-Sex FriendshipsFriendships

Girls value communication—talking (35% of 10-17 year-old girls said giving up telephone most difficult).

Boys value engaging in activity—doing (only 6.5% said giving up telephone would be most difficult)

The “doing” versus “talking” distinction extends to adult friendships of men and women.

However, differences in men’s & women’s friendships not that dramatic; more similarity than difference.

Challenges in Maintaining Cross-Challenges in Maintaining Cross-Sex FriendshipsSex FriendshipsEmotional Bond Challenge

◦ People are socialized to see members of the opposite sex as romantic partners

◦ Feelings of closeness can beconfused with romance

Sexual Challenge◦ Sexual attraction ◦ One or both may desire a sexual relationship

Public Presentation Challenge◦ Having to “explain” the friendship ◦ Jealousy from romantic partners

Maintenance in Cross-Sex Maintenance in Cross-Sex Friendships with Romantic Friendships with Romantic IntentIntentStrictly Platonic

◦ Less joint activity & flirtation, but more talk about outside relationships

Mutual Romance◦ Most maintenance behavior

Desires Romance (Partner doesn’t want romance)◦ High level of maintenance but least likely to

talk about the relationshipRejects Romance (Partner wants romance)

o Less joint activity & flirtation, but more talk about outside relationships

Reasons for Keeping a Cross-Reasons for Keeping a Cross-Sex Friendship PlatonicSex Friendship Platonic

safeguarding the relationship◦most common

not attracted network disapproval third party relationship risk aversion time out

Maintaining “Friends with Maintaining “Friends with Benefits” RelationshipBenefits” Relationship48%-68% of college students have had at least one

friends-with-benefits relationship.Advantages: sex with trusted other but no

commitmentDisadvantages: fear of romantic feelings (or hurt)Maintaining FWB relationships includes rules to

regulate:◦ emotional attachment

no jealousy◦ sexual activity◦ communication◦ secrecy◦ permanence/sex temporary ◦ value of the friendship

Women value friends, men value benefits

Maintenance in Long-Distance Maintenance in Long-Distance RelationshipsRelationshipsBetween 25% to 40% of college students’

romantic relationships are long-distance (2001).

Despite less face-to-face communication, many LDRs are satisfying (and partners report strong love), in part because:◦ IdealizationIdealization

partners can control the communication partners often on their “best behavior”

when together prepare for time together

The Dialectical Perspective

Relationships are dynamic rather than static entities.

In healthy relationships people adapt to one another’s changing needs by managing dialectical tensions.

Dialectical TensionsPeople experience dialectical

tension when they want to fulfill seemingly contradictory needs

Dialectical tensions have both internal and external manifestations Internal: interaction within the relational dyad

External: how the couple interacts with people outside of the dyad

Baxter’s Typology of Dialectical Tensions

Integration- Stability- Expression-Separation Change Privacy

Internal

External

Connection- Autonomy

Predictability-Novelty

Openness- Closedness

Inclusion- Seclusion

Conventionality- Uniqueness

Revelation- Concealment

Dialectic of Dialectic of Integration-SeparationIntegration-Separation

Connection-Autonomy: Individuals want to be close to their partners, but they also want personal freedom

Inclusion-Seclusion: Couples want to spend time with their social network but they also want time alone

Dialectic of Dialectic of Stability-ChangeStability-Change

Predictability-Novelty: Individuals want routine and consistency in their relationships/partners, but also want spontaneity and novelty.

Conventionality-Uniqueness: Couples want to adhere to social norms to fit in with others, but they also want to see themselves as special and unique.

Dialectic of Dialectic of Expression-PrivacyExpression-Privacy

Openness-Closedness: Individuals want to feel free to self-disclose but also to keep some secrets.

Revelation-Concealment: Couples want to talk about their relationships with their social networks, but they also want to keep some aspects of their relationships private.

Managing Dialectical Managing Dialectical TensionsTensions

Selection: Deciding to value one side of the dialectic more than the other

Separation: Favoring different sides of the dialectic at different times◦ Cyclic Alternation: cycling back and forth

between the two sides

◦ Topical Segmentation: emphasizing different sides of the dialectic based on topic or context

Managing Dialectical Managing Dialectical Tensions, cont.Tensions, cont.

Neutralization: avoiding full engagement of either side of the dialectic•Moderation: striving to reach a

midpoint•Disqualification: striving to be

ambiguous so neither side of the dialectic is engaged

Reframing: adjusting perceptions so that the dialectics are viewed as complementary rather than contradictory

Probably the best strategy overall

Rawlins’ Dialectical Tensions in Friendshipsindependent-dependent expressive-protection judgment-acceptance affection-instrumentality public-private ideal-real