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Still Standing Christian Workbook and Discussion GuideBy: Edward C. Lee

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Still Standing Christian Workbook and Discussion GuideWe are Lamar and Ronnie Tyler, the creators of

BlackandMarriedWithKids.com (BMWK). Thank you for purchasing theStill Standing Christian Workbook and Discussion Guide. We’re excitedthat you have taken the time to invest in your marriage or to preparefor the marriage that you’ll have one day, by purchasing this eBook.

Our goal with BlackandMarriedWithKids.com, our films, and our supporting materials, like this eBook, is to help and heal marriages around the world. We’ve seen, firsthand, how marriages can flourish when given proper care and attention. That includes continually increasing your knowledge in relation to marriage and adding tools to your marital toolbox.

We’ve worked with some of our top writers to develop an entire series of eBooks to aid marriages and relationships. You’ll find practical, easy to understand instruction that will begin the journey of taking your marriage to the next level.

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Tyler New Media, LLC

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Contents:

Fatin & Aja Dantzler: Dealing with Naysayers..............................................................................................6

Kris & Akilah Richards: Communication and Conflict Resolution.................................................................8

Speech & Yolanda Thomas: Infidelity.........................................................................................................11

James & Carletta Youngs: Blended Family.................................................................................................13

Rev. Wesley & Rev. Rose Marie Greene: In Sickness..................................................................................14

Carlos & Katherine Greene: For Richer and for Poorer..............................................................................16

About the Author......................................................................................................................................18

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Who is this guide for?The Still Standing Christian Workbook and Discussion Guide is designed to be flexible. This resource can be utilized by:• church groups• marriage ministries• Bible studies• individual couples• professional counselors or marriage educators.

Each of the six sessions is designed to fit within thirty minutes to one hour and is broken down into threeareas.

Advice to Stand on is designed to reinforce the solutions that each couple discovered on their way to Still Standing in their marriage. The completed answers will also provide a written reference for each participating couple.

Discussing How to Still Stand is intended to generate positive, open dialogue between husbandsand wives. Share openly and honestly about how the video segment is reflective of your own marriage.

Thinking on God’s Word connects the insight and story of each couple from Still Standing with the message and insight of God’s word in the Bible. These can be done during a group meeting or may be best as points of meditation throughout the week.

How should this guide be used?It may be best to watch the video segment of the couple, first, for that session. While watching the video, pay attention for the answers to the Advice to Stand on section. When possible, complete this fill-in-the-blank section as a group. Then, choose some or all of the Discussing How to Still Stand and Thinking on God’s Word items to review as time permits. However you decide to utilize this material, have fun, enjoy it, and with God’s help, watch your marriage gain the testimony that, through it all, your marriage is Still Standing.

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Fatin & Aja Dantzler: Dealing with Naysayers

Through thirteen years of marriage, while in the high pressure, highly visible music industry, the mercy ofGod, perseverance, and hard work have enabled Fatin and Aja to find happiness in and through their marriage. Today, after fighting through the pressure and negativity of naysayers and the damaging influences on their marriage, they see the opportunity to spend life with the person they love as a blessing from God. The early years of their marriage and the constant speculation from outsiders led them to understand that outsiders don't get to see the internal realities of their marriage. As they reflecton where they are today, the external pressure and negativity have brought them closer, and they’re “riding a nice wave.” It has been hard work and has taken a measure of internal fortitude, but in spite of the naysayers, their marriage is Still Standing.

Advice to Stand on 1. Despite naysayers and external pressure, what three reasons does Fatin cite as to why their marriage is still standing?

a. _______________________b. _______________________c. _______________________

2. From the beginning of their marriage, naysayers offered them negative advice. Aja says that when they were enduring a lot of problems, they did not ________________, which caused them to struggle.3. Fatin expresses that, at times, people look at their marriage and marriages in general from the outsideand surmise that they’re “perfect” marriages. Aja then supports the thought by saying that what people really see in their marriage is: “our ________________ to be ________________.”

Discussing How to Still Stand1. How have naysayers impacted your thoughts about marriage?2. As you reflect on your marriage, how has God's mercy impacted it?3. How does your relationship with Christ help you to persevere through the challenges of your marriage?

Thinking on God’s Word Perhaps the single most significant verse in the Bible regarding marriage is Genesis 2:24. “For this reasona man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”

The idea of leaving is not only referring to a biological relationship. Rather, it encompasses the ability for a couple to leave external pressure and influences and be joined together as one. Until we leave our external expectations, ambitions, and influences, we cannot be joined and become one.

Christ repeats the same statement in Matthew 19:5, and in Matthew 19:6, He continues, “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” Once a couple leaves external influences, God joins them together.

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Meditate this week on what naysayers, external influences, or pressures need to be left so God can join your marriage together in that particular area.

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Kris & Akilah Richards: Communication and Conflict Resolution

Communication challenges persisted from the onset of their relationship. Right away, Kris and Akilah realized that they communicate differently. Akilah is expressive and likes to deal with things right away. Kris is quiet, more reserved, and more apt to shut down and sweep things under the rug at the hint of anargument. Each held the perspective that his or her approach was best for the relationship. However, their differing communication patterns continued to put tremendous strain on their marriage. At their worst points, their lack of communication brought on conversations about separation and divorce. Facingthe reality of divorce and its potential effects on their children, they began to find effective ways to communicate with each other, and today their marriage is Still Standing because they have overcome their communication differences.

Advice to Stand on1. For couples going through what they consider to be “irreconcilable differences” as a result of their communication differences, Akilah and Kris offer two points of advice.

a. First, they suggest that you put the end in mind and check your personal motives to determine if you are coming from a place of ________________ or proving ________________ ________________.

b. Second, they offer that you should be willing to push past points of ________________ in your marriage and express your feelings.

2. Akilah also mentions that resolving differences requires vulnerability, and on the other side of vulnerability is ________________.

Discussing How to Still Stand1. How do you and your spouse communicate differently?2. Does the way each person in a marriage communicates with God affect how they communicate with each other?3. Choose one of these two verses on communication to discuss:

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” What does that verse tell you about the choices available to a couple regarding communication?

James 1:19 says, “Knowing this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” What does this verse communicate to you about the priorities and perspective that we should display in our communication with each other?

Thinking on God’s Word The most effective way to improve marital communication is to improve your communication with Christ. As a husband and wife continually develop their individual prayer and communication with God, they find strength to open up, express themselves, and understand and accept each other as they communicate with each other. A prime example of God’s work in a couple’s communication is the relationship between Joseph and Mary.

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In Luke 1:26-38, Mary is quite perplexed and has more than a few questions when Gabriel the angel, tellsher she’s pregnant, even though she’s still a virgin. If anyone needs to get clarity from God, it’s Mary. Yet, for every question she has, God’s angel has an explanation.

At the same time, her fiancé, Joseph, has questions and concerns of his own. The woman he has agreed to marry is pregnant, and he cannot explain or understand how. In Matthew 1:18-24, God sends an angelto Joseph in his sleep. When Joseph wakes up, he knows exactly how to respond to Mary being pregnantand what to do next.

From their different perspectives, they have questions only God can answer. They can’t find any logic or explanation amongst themselves. It’s only when they hear from God that they know how to respond to each other.

Spend time this week thinking and talking about how God speaks to men and women differently. As you do so, build a prayer menu of ways that your marriage can effectively communicate and connect with God.

Prayer Menu (from Elevate Your Marriage, by Edward C. Lee)• Pray Aloud. This is how you call on the name of Jesus for strength and wisdom, not just for

wants but for wisdom and guidance. It’s how you line up with God. • Prayer Walk. Get out, go for a walk together in the park or around the block, and pray while

you walk. Let the focus be on God and not your spouse. Take note and admire the beauty of God that surrounds you. As you mutually marvel at the vastness of God’s power and beauty, He might just put seemingly major parenting, relationship, or health concerns into perspective.

• Text a Prayer. For two busy ships passing in the night, sending prayers via text might help you to stay connected. In the middle of a busy work day, connect to each other with simple messages or verses of Scripture.

• Exchange Prayer Requests. Exchange personal prayer requests with each other. As you do, you will usher a sense of selflessness and togetherness into the relationship. Your commitment to pray with and for your spouse says, “I care, and I want to walk with you through the challenges of life.” How many people are in your lives that volunteer to walk with you through the valleys of life? At the same time, as a couple, God will move you closer to Him as you see Him answer some of those prayers or redirect the course of your marriage.

• Silent Prayer. A quiet space, just the two of you, silently, internally praying. Prayer is so personal, and sometimes praying audibly is uncomfortable. So pray in silence. You are together, and God is in the midst of your time of silently praying for each other.

• Prayer Notes. Write it down. A handwritten note becomes undeniably personal. Written prayers create a prayer history or dated timeline of what God has brought your marriage through over the years. Sometime the editing power of an eraser helps to make sure your

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prayer captures your heart. Be creative; write a prayer of thanks to God for your thoughtful husband or caring wife, and then place it somewhere he or she will find it later.

• Designate Prayer Times. We make time for what’s important. So designate a time and a place where you will meet to pray. It instills a dual sense of commitment to bonding with God as a couple, both on earth and in heaven. These set aside times become special meetingmoments with God.

• Declare a Fast. Set aside the expected to take time and focus on God in prayer. God is never impressed by how long you can go without eating. Rather, it is the time you put back into your day, praying to God instead of preparing, cooking, eating, and then cleaning up, that strengthens your relationship with Him. Take that time, as a couple, and seek the Lord.

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Speech & Yolanda Thomas: Infidelity

A chance meeting at the local post office is how Grammy Award winner Speech Thomas and his wife, Yolanda, met. At the time, his music group, Arrested Development, was at the height of its popularity. With many women to choose from, a fear of marriage, and an expectation of divorce once he did marry, Speech engaged in relationships with other women early on in their marriage. However, their introduction to Christ by close friends began the Thomases on a spiritual awakening that changed their marriage. Their Christ-centered faith walk has allowed them to understand the importance of what they’re building, which has empowered them to forgive and heal. And today, after more than sixteen years of marriage, Speech and Yolanda can proudly proclaim that they are Still Standing.

Advice to Stand on 1. What specific spiritual steps became the foundation of making major changes in the marriage relationship of Speech and Yolanda?

a. __________________ b. __________________ c. __________________

2. As the one that had relationships outside of the marriage, what did Speech do to begin to show his wife he was serious about changing?

a. __________________ b. __________________ c. __________________ d. __________________

Discussing How to Still Stand1. What are effective ways a couple can safeguard their marriage against infidelity?2. Why do you think infidelity continues to leave its mark even years later?3. Yolanda mentions being able to trust the God in her husband more than her husband. What do you think of that idea? How does a personal relationship with Christ impact the ability to trust again?4. What biblical basis is there for finding forgiveness when done wrong?5. Speech and Yolanda illustrate how, even after he apologized several times, putting the past totally behind them remained a process. Discuss the relevance and application of Speech and Yolanda’s thoughts about understanding what has been torn down and the duration of the forgiveness process, especially when infidelity is involved. 6. Speech refers to a “standard.” How does Christ as the standard make a difference to the specific challenges in your marriage?

Thinking on God’s Word Speech talks about having standards in their marriage and how they have changed since they have given their lives and marriage to Christ. Read 1 Corinthians 2:6-16. Think on what verse 16, which says, “But we have the mind of Christ,” means to you personally and to your marriage. The reality of the mind of

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Christ is given as fact, not speculation. Think about how the reality of having the mind of Christ provides unique strength in marriage.

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James & Carletta Youngs: Blended Family

At the start of their marriage, both James and Carletta had two children from their previous marriages. Blending a family of six proved extremely difficult and led to serious consideration of divorce. As the non-custodial parent of his children, James battled separation anxiety. For the most part, James’s feelingsabout being separated from his children caused the Youngs to struggle with their roles within their new family. Throughout the difficult transition, so much time and energy was given to taking care of their respective children that it was hard for James and Carletta to focus on each other as a newlywed couple. However, they set out on a course toward bringing stability to their two families and creating a new family that is Still Standing, together.

Advice to Stand on The Youngs implemented three strategies to bring their blended family together:

a. They started having family ________________ as well as on-on-one time with each child. This allowed them to receive input from the children and to gauge where they were as a family.

b. James and Carletta attended couple’s ________________ in order to create stability as a couple and to build a stronger foundation for the children.

c. The marriage ________________ at their church allowed them to benefit from the experiences of other couples.

Three things every blended family should know and/or do:a. You are not the only couple going through what you are facing.b. Establish yourself as a family. Clarify expectations and create traditions that the whole family

can participate in.c. Love each member of the family where they are. Take the time to understand how each child

needs to be loved.

Discussing How to Still Stand1. What do you think is the most important factor in a healthy blended marriage and family?2. What are some unique challenges that blended families face?

Thinking on God’s Word In the Bible, Jacob has at least twelve children by at least four women. Of all of his children, Jacob loves his son Joseph more than he loves his other sons (Gen. 37:3). When the other sons notice this, the Bible says, “They hated him and could not speak peacefully to him.” The division within this biblical blended family causes the brothers to harm, mistreat, and eventually sell Joseph, their half-brother. This week read Genesis 37 and think of how the parents’ attitudes toward their blended marriage and family impact the eventual outcome and stability of the marriage.

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Rev. Wesley & Rev. Rose Marie Greene: In Sickness

More than thirty-one years ago, Wesley Greene looked over the list of what he wanted in a wife. Marie met every item on Wesley's list, and soon after, they got married. Years later, Marie was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. They took on the biggest challenge of their marriage with prayer, scripture memorization, Bible study, and self-sacrifice. Wesley left his job and began to care for and pray over his wife. Ultimately, the medication, the love of her husband, and the promises of the word of God brought Marie through her sickness. They now consider that time to be the best time of their marriage, and today their marriage is Still Standing.

Advice to Stand on 1. In the biggest challenge to their marriage, the Greenes relied on the following spiritual disciplines: ________________, ________________ scriptures, and believing ________________for healing.2. They decided to fight the cancer as a ________________. 3. The Greenes have come to realize that, in overwhelming challenges, a couple must be willing to ________________for each other.4. One of the joys of being married is that you can ________________each other through difficult times.

Discussing How to Still Stand1. How does God provide everything you need through your marriage? How may that differ from your expectations?2. What is the biggest challenge your marriage has faced? How did your relationship with Christ make the difference?3. What do you make of the statement that her fight with breast cancer became one of the best points of their marriage?4. What conditions have come to test your unconditional love? Have you seen the grace of God follow those situations?

Thinking on God’s Word Read Genesis 25. Rebekah is unable to have children. Her husband, Isaac, “prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife.” She then conceives and gives birth to a set of twins. It is a beautiful picture of a husband going to God for his wife in prayer. But what can often go unnoticed is that in Genesis 25:20, when they marry, Isaac is forty, and when she conceives in Genesis 25:26, Isaac is sixty years old. That could mean he prays for twenty years before God finally answers his prayer.

As you read and reflect on Isaac consistently going to God for what could have been twenty years, write down and exchange three personal prayer requests with each other.

1. _______________________________________________________2. _______________________________________________________3. _______________________________________________________

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It’s a simple act, but one that reminds you of how special your marriage is because there are so few people in life who are willing to walk by your side in prayer for the things that matter to you.

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Carlos & Katherine Greene: For Richer and for Poorer

Through negative bank balances and severe financial strain, the Greenes’ marriage is Still Standing. A new job, in a new city, put this couple and their family in dire financial straits. Their monetary constraintsbegan to strain their intimacy and usher frustrations into their marriage. In due time, God brought about significant change in their finances and marriage.

Advice to Stand onFollowing the Greenes’ plan for getting out of debt and financial distress:1. The first thing the Greenes did was to covenant with each other to declare a fast from eating ________________ until they were completely out of ________________.2. The second step they took was to get ________________ about money. 3. They ________________ ________________ of “the American Dream,” which prompted them to sell their _______. 4. You have to be ________________. Have periodic meetings to go over goals in the areas of faith, family, finances, fitness, future, and fun.5. Journal; keep a record of what God has brought you through, so you can share with others. 6. Find support.

Discussing How to Still Stand1. In the movie, the Greenes sell their house. What are you willing to do to get out of your financial challenges? 2. Katherine mentions that their financial challenges brought a level of frustration that brought on intense arguments and a strained sense of physical intimacy. Why are financial issues more emotionally challenging than other areas of challenge?3. Financial challenges brought about a greater intimacy as they worked through them together. In the biggest challenges, how do you show each other that you are there for one another? 4. The Greenes shared their six core goals, discussed in their monthly meetings. For your own family, what will be your core goals, and how will you agree to communicate them to each other.

Thinking on God’s Word Carlos speaks of feeling inadequate as a man during their financial challenges. Yet, his wife's support assured him of her love for him. Let their story and their reference to God’s hand in reshaping their marriage in the middle of their intense financial challenges remind you that in every marriage challenge you have a choice. You can either stand with each other in victory, as the Greenes did through their faith,or like the biblical marriage of Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5, a husband and wife can stand together in their mutual destruction. The Bible’s record of Ananias and Sapphira’s marriage is that when they sell a piece of property, they conspire together to lie about how much money they receive from the sale. The choices couples make either become like the Greenes’ choice, a path to increased intimacy and unity in their marriage, or a path to ruin.

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This week, begin the discussion about working toward financial freedom in your marriage. Write out a Financial 10 Commandments of things that are of utmost importance to you when it comes to family finances. For example, checkbooks must always be in balance, or credit cards are only to be used in emergencies and when both agree on their use. 1. ____________________________________2. ____________________________________3. ____________________________________4. ____________________________________5. ____________________________________6. ____________________________________7. ____________________________________8. ____________________________________9. ____________________________________10. ____________________________________

In Elevate Your Marriage, I ask couples to do the following:• Write down the things that are of ultimate importance to you when it comes to dealing with

money in your relationship.• Set aside some time to sit down and talk about your lists together. • Identify areas of commonality that exist and where you disagree. • What resources are available to your marriage?

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About the Author

Edward C. Lee is a blogger at elevateyourmarriage.com, the pastor of LongView Bible Church in Pikesville, Maryland, and author of three Christian marriage books, including Elevate Your Marriage: 7 Practices of Highly Intimate Couples. Edward has a unique gift for sharing the truths of the Bible in practical, relatable ways that help couples regain or maintain their footing with each other through a strengthened relationship with Christ. His books and marriage resources are taught throughout the United States.

References:• All Bible quotations taken from the New American Standard Bible (NASB).• Lee, E. (2013). Elevate Your Marriage: 7 Practices of Highly Intimate Couples, Baltimore: Leisure

and Stephens Publishing, LLC

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