Date post: | 11-Apr-2017 |
Category: |
Leadership & Management |
Upload: | catalyst-consulting-south-africa |
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DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS
• Sniping• Blaming• Hidden agendas• Domination • Super-egos• Role conflict
What’s your story?
Why we get it so wrong
Avoidance
Time constraints
FearHot buttons
We wing it
Fight or flight
response
Feedback = I need you to change
• If ‘primary reward’ or ‘primary threat’ circuitry of the brain gets activated, there is a strong automatic response. • E.g. a perceived threat to
one’s status activates similar brain networks to a threat to one’s life.
SCARF factors
• Threat response results in: Increased motor functions, Reduced working memory, Reduced field of view, Generalizing of threats, Erring on the side of pessimism
Needs Fears
Status relative importance to others. fear of criticism, exposure, failure, loss of power/status
Certainty being able to predict the futurefear of uncertainty, chaos, not knowing, loss
Autonomy sense of control over eventsfear of authority, loss of control, loss of freedom
Relatedness sense of safety with others, of friend rather than foe
fear of rejection, disappointment, betrayal, not being accepted/
Fairness fair exchanges between peoplefear of unfair treatment, inequity, not being recognised
This has implications for the way leaders: approach difficult conversations
Emotions
• Emotions matter and, at an unconscious level, we can sense through very clever specialized neurons called mirror neurons.
• Mirror neurons allow us to decode (receive and interpret) facial expressions so we know when people are faking it or not being authentic.
• If you need to have a difficult conversation, give tough feedback or deliver bad news, ensure your emotions are calm and your body language supportive.
Empathy Acknowledge Reflect Support Hope
Creating opportunities for learningLearning cycle
Awareness
Insight
Willingness
Action
I become aware that something needs to change?100% need
I realise I need to change my mindsets/ beliefs/ behaviours to effect the change?100% accountability
I am 100% willing to make the effort to change100% commitment
I have clear action plans to make the change happen100% discipline
Honest Conversations – FrameworkEm
otion
al v
s.. R
ation
alImpact vs.. Intent
Loss vs.. Gain
Story vs.. Fact
PerceptionsThe pastEmotions
ImpactIdentityFears
Purpose & Invite
Engage
Unpack
Learn
Options
Action
Consider purpose, potential outcomes, benefits and consequences(Go-no go)
Invite person to join you for conversation
Build rapport
Purpose & desired outcomes
Explain what happened from the observer view
Offer that you played a part – apology?
Unpack feelings
Unpack loss vs.. gain
Unpack intent vs.. impactIf we could have this situation over: how could we do it differently?
What can be developed / worked on by me to prevent this happening again?
Explore options
Decide on what we can/can’t live with
Decide on what you are willing to sacrifice / let go of to move forward
Forgive and forget
Agree specific actions to build trust and relationship
Paradigm busting
I am rightYou hurt meEmployees are paid to get the job doneThere are more important things to do than talk-shopsDiscomfort and uncertainty are BAD and should be avoided
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I am part of the problemEmployees are whole beings with talent, potential, preferences etcInvestment in conversations builds commitment and save time laterChange and conflict are opportunities for creativity and learning
Conversation Skills
RapportListening
Reflecting - empathySummarising & Interpreting
QuestioningGiving & Receiving Feedback
ENGAGEThanks for making timeI’d like to chat about happened last weekWhat happened was difficult/hurtful/awkwardReflecting back on the situation, I can see how I played a partI am sorry for ...I’d like to find a win-win solution or way forward
UNPACKHow I felt was ...How did you feel?I felt I had lost ...What did you feel you lost?My intent was ..., but it seems my impact was ...What was your intent and impact?
LEARNIf we could have this situation over: how could we do it differently?How could we think /feel /act differently?What incorrect assumptions did we perhaps make?What can be developed / worked on by me to prevent this happening again?
OPTIONSSo where to from here?I would like to prevent this happening againI would like to rebuild the trustWhat can I do to start building the relationship?Can I suggest that …
ACTIONThanks for all the suggestionsCan we agree to ...?I know it may take time, but I am willing to ...I really appreciate your time and willingness to work through thisI look forward to ...