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young lady asked me what is thedefinition of ‘love’’...is it supposed to be

like a roller coaster ride full of happiness, hurt,pain and drama or is it supposed to be smoothsailing with maybe one ot two delays butnothing major?

The truth is love has many defintions dependingon what kind of love you are talking about.Unfortunately in the English language there isonly one word used for love, whereas in otherlanguages there are several words anddefintions used for the same word dependingon how it is being used.

True love is an attitude of heart and it comesfrom a choice we make to seek the highestgood of another without any other ulteriormotive than to do good to the other person. Every relationship needs to be based on thiskind of love – whether it be a romantic one ornot. We all know that romantic feelings canfluctatuate and even sometimes die. The ‘inlove’ feeling that we experience as human

beings is commonly mistaken for truebenevolent love.

The truth is the feelings that we experiencewhen we are extremely attracted to ourlover/spouse is based on a chemical reactionthat takes place in the brain which releases theneurotransmitter called ‘dopamine’. Dopamineis is the same kind of chemcial that that isreleased when people take cocaine and otherforms of class A drugs. It is a ‘pleasure’ hormonethat is also released during sexual activitybetween partners as well as some otherhormones that are released that create abonding between two people (although thebonding chemical often released in a muchhigher volumes in women).

The bonding hormone is also the same kind ofhormone that is released during child birthwhich causes a woman to bond with her new-born child. That is why the ‘FEELING’ of being‘IN LOVE’ is so pleasureable but yet is notenough to sustain a healthy and long lasting

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relationship with anyone. Therefore whenpeople no longer feel the ‘pleasure’ they say ‘Idon’t love this person anymore’. The truth isthey probably had a false perception of whatlove is in the first place– therefore once thefeeling left they no longer wanted therelationship.

Love in itself is a character which we developand mature in over time. The bible gives it abeautiful definition in 1 Corinthians 13:4 – 7. Itsays... ‘love is patient, love is kind. It does notenvy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is notrude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easilyangered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Lovedoes not delight in evil but rejoices with thetruth. It always protects, always trusts, alwayshopes, always perseveres.’

When we carry out the attributes of lovetowards one another – how can the love die?The truth is true love never dies...in the sameway God’s love for us never dies – if he everstopped loving us..he would cease to be whohe is because we know that ‘God IS love’ (1John 4:8). When we truly love one anotheraccording to what is written, there will be noroom for selfishness, a mean excahnge ofwords, & frequent outbursts of jealousy etcbecause both individuals are ultimately seekingthe highest good for each other.

In reality we know that it takes two people tomake a relationship work but it only takes one to

destroy it. That is why you shouldn’t be in sucha hurry to be in a relationship with someonejust because you feel an intense attractiontowards them. The proper love foundationneeds to be laid and built upon. The ‘in love’feeling just adds pleasure to the relationship butis not its foundation.

If you find you are constantly struggling in arelationship, it’s either you are not designed tobe together, each party does not know enoughyet to be in a relationship or you are notapplying the principles of love. Relationshipsshould be smooth. That does not mean you willnot have challenges. We know we are all awork in progress but there shoud be asmoothness to relationship as it progresses. A healthy relationship brings two people closertogether not constantly having them at oneanothers throats.

Sometimes a relationship may need to come toan end for the sake of the spiritual, psycholigicaland sometimes physical welfare of the peopleinvolved. Even when this happens the endingof it needs to be based on the motive of love.To end a relationship doesn’t mean that you donot love each other – it just means you’ve bothacknowledged that bringing to an end is thekindest, selfless thing can you do for the otherperson involved.

Remeber REAL LOVE is a CHOICE and not aFEELING. Choose to be a man or woman oflove and watch your lives flourish and blossomthe way God orignally intended.

If this article has been a blessing to you or if you have anycomments please email realtalk@ministryinart.com

“relationshipsshould besmooth”

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quences. To further increase the problem, in order tohandle the vast amount of information that youencounter on a daily basis, the human mind (on a sub-conscious level) only presents to you the things thatsupport your beliefs and values and rejects evidence tothe contrary. Therefore if through painful past hurtsyou have come to the conclusion that all men arecheats or all women are after your money - your mindwill actively seek for what it would consider 'evidence'to support that claim and overlook the 'evidence' thatdoes not support that belief.

Jesus said that the reason for divorce is 'hardness ofheart'. Hardness of heart is when we hold fast to andseek to reinforce the assumptions we have about oneanother. A hardened heart refuses to question thevalidity of its belief in the face of conflicting evidence.The biblical account of Israel's exodus from Egyptserves as a prime example of hardness of heart. Theancient Egyptian Pharaohs believed they were godsand were worshipped as such. However when the trueGod showed up and demonstrated His power in theform of plagues, the bible says Pharaoh hardened hisheart. In others words he refused to concede to theonly almighty God and held firm to the belief of hisown deity. In the end this led to the destruction of his

army, thousands of his people and his firstborn son.

As mentioned earlier, the meaning we give to any par-ticular situation is derived by our own distorted view-point and thinking. No two people see things in thesame way. Therefore your perception of the world is areflection of the way you are! Jesus said “the eye is thelamp of the body. So if your eye is sound (good), yourentire body will be full of light. But if your eye isunsound (evil), your whole body will be full of dark-ness. If then the very light in you [your conscience] isdarkened, how dense is that darkness (Matthew 6:22-23). The ‘eye’ Jesus is talking about is your mind’s eyeas it is impossible for your physical eye to make moraljudgment. You can choose how you want to look at theworld and thus change your experience of the world.You are the sole creator of the meanings that you giveto the events and experiences of your life. Each of us isequipped with the unique human endowment of beingable to step out of our programming and question theway we think and behave. Remember your thoughtsare the cause and your feelings are the effects (the mean-ing creates the feeling).

Although all of us have a distorted and subjective per-ception of reality, there is another perception which isnot subjective – on the contrary, it is absolute. This isGod’s perception otherwise known as faith! Faith is theundistorted way of looking at life. It is based on theabsolute truth of God’s word, not facts or opinion.Faith deals with true reality, for with God nothing isimpossible! Therefore the task of all believers is to rec-oncile their thinking with that of faith. This calls for anopen-minded approach to God’s word rather than aclosed, deeply religious and highly subjective stance.

Many of us struggle to reconcile our experiences withGod’s word; God says your healed, you experiencesickness, God says you are blessed, however you arestruggling to make ends meet. The main reason for thisperceived disparity is our misunderstanding of the rela-tionship between ideals and reality. To reach the idealyou must deal with reality, not skip over it as manybelievers try to do. As the writer says “faith withoutworks is dead” (James 2:17). Faith is the tool thatenables us master our lives. It brings us into alignmentwith true reality – which is ultimately God. The morewe are able to bring our way of thinking into align-ment with God’s way of thinking, through faith, thepurer (undistorted) our hearts (mind) will be. With apure heart we will experience the reality of God’s wordand therefore see His providence in our lives.

lessed are the pure in heart: for they shall seeGod. Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shallbe called the children of God. Matthew 5:8-9

Many relationships, especially marital, are plaguedwith misunderstandings, criticism, conflict and the like.Arguably the most destructive cause of conflict is dueto assumptions. Assumption is the lowest form of infor-mation and therefore borderline ignorance. It is beliefwithout proof! Unfortunately instead of questioningour assumptions, many of us act on assumptions as ifthey were the truth.

Much of the conflict that takes place between peoplecan be avoided when we understand the relationshipbetween facts and feelings. It is often said that womenare led by emotions and men are more logical.However all of us are emotional, although we have dif-ferent ways of expressing it. 95% of all human emotionis self-created, only 5% is due to chemical or hormon-al reaction. Therefore it is a fallacy to believe that emo-tions such as anger, jealousy or fear are all 'natural'reactions to a given situation. It is the ‘meaning’ yougive to the situation that creates these emotions.Positive meaning triggers pleasurable emotions, a neg-ative meaning triggers painful emotions. Hence, emo-tions are the outcome of how you think. For example, ifyou are given half a glass of water, would you considerit half full or half empty? Although neither answer isincorrect your answer will determine how you feel.Negative thinkers draw negative conclusions, but thereare always different ways of looking at the same thing.

To give further light on this subject, let us look at amap. A map is a graphical representation of a geo-graphical location. The map is merely illustrative; it isnot the territory! In like manner in order to make senseof any event, situation and the world around us, wemust give it a meaning. Like the map the meaningsderived serve as our own interpretation of a larger andmore detailed reality. Non of us are in the position tosee the whole picture in full clarity. As Paul says “weknow in part, and we prophesy in part. For now we arelooking through a mirror that gives only a dim reflec-tion” (1 Corinthians 13:9-12 paraphrased).

To further complicate things, the meaning we give toany particular situation is derived by our own distortedviewpoint and thinking – known as distortions. No twopeople see things in the same way. Even if there werestanding together looking together at the same thing,each would see something different, express differing

viewpoints and go through differing experience. Thesedistortions are influenced by many factors of our per-sonality such as values, beliefs, goals, focus and thelike. Hence all of us have a subjective perception ofreality. Here are some common examples of distortedthinking that occur, especially when we are upset:

1. Personalization - taking valid comments as personalinsults or blaming yourself for something you couldnot control.2. All or nothing thinking - seeing events in extremeterms and allowing no room for shades of grey or mid-dle ground.3. Magnification and minimization - exaggerating thenegative and minimizing the positive.4. Catastrophizing - imagining or assuming the worstcase scenario.5. Over-Generalization - drawing sweeping conclu-sions based on a single event

It is important to note that all of us have a distortedconcept of reality. In many cases our distortions lead usto jump over a great deal of logic, common sense andexperience in order to reach extreme conclusions(assumption), which in turn creates painful, destructiveemotions, behavioural response and severe conse-

B

If this article has been a blessing to you in anyway please email: pearls@ministryinart.com THANK YOU.

23

quences. To further increase the problem, in order tohandle the vast amount of information that youencounter on a daily basis, the human mind (on a sub-conscious level) only presents to you the things thatsupport your beliefs and values and rejects evidence tothe contrary. Therefore if through painful past hurtsyou have come to the conclusion that all men arecheats or all women are after your money - your mindwill actively seek for what it would consider 'evidence'to support that claim and overlook the 'evidence' thatdoes not support that belief.

Jesus said that the reason for divorce is 'hardness ofheart'. Hardness of heart is when we hold fast to andseek to reinforce the assumptions we have about oneanother. A hardened heart refuses to question thevalidity of its belief in the face of conflicting evidence.The biblical account of Israel's exodus from Egyptserves as a prime example of hardness of heart. Theancient Egyptian Pharaohs believed they were godsand were worshipped as such. However when the trueGod showed up and demonstrated His power in theform of plagues, the bible says Pharaoh hardened hisheart. In others words he refused to concede to theonly almighty God and held firm to the belief of hisown deity. In the end this led to the destruction of his

army, thousands of his people and his firstborn son.

As mentioned earlier, the meaning we give to any par-ticular situation is derived by our own distorted view-point and thinking. No two people see things in thesame way. Therefore your perception of the world is areflection of the way you are! Jesus said “the eye is thelamp of the body. So if your eye is sound (good), yourentire body will be full of light. But if your eye isunsound (evil), your whole body will be full of dark-ness. If then the very light in you [your conscience] isdarkened, how dense is that darkness (Matthew 6:22-23). The ‘eye’ Jesus is talking about is your mind’s eyeas it is impossible for your physical eye to make moraljudgment. You can choose how you want to look at theworld and thus change your experience of the world.You are the sole creator of the meanings that you giveto the events and experiences of your life. Each of us isequipped with the unique human endowment of beingable to step out of our programming and question theway we think and behave. Remember your thoughtsare the cause and your feelings are the effects (the mean-ing creates the feeling).

Although all of us have a distorted and subjective per-ception of reality, there is another perception which isnot subjective – on the contrary, it is absolute. This isGod’s perception otherwise known as faith! Faith is theundistorted way of looking at life. It is based on theabsolute truth of God’s word, not facts or opinion.Faith deals with true reality, for with God nothing isimpossible! Therefore the task of all believers is to rec-oncile their thinking with that of faith. This calls for anopen-minded approach to God’s word rather than aclosed, deeply religious and highly subjective stance.

Many of us struggle to reconcile our experiences withGod’s word; God says your healed, you experiencesickness, God says you are blessed, however you arestruggling to make ends meet. The main reason for thisperceived disparity is our misunderstanding of the rela-tionship between ideals and reality. To reach the idealyou must deal with reality, not skip over it as manybelievers try to do. As the writer says “faith withoutworks is dead” (James 2:17). Faith is the tool thatenables us master our lives. It brings us into alignmentwith true reality – which is ultimately God. The morewe are able to bring our way of thinking into align-ment with God’s way of thinking, through faith, thepurer (undistorted) our hearts (mind) will be. With apure heart we will experience the reality of God’s wordand therefore see His providence in our lives.

lessed are the pure in heart: for they shall seeGod. Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shallbe called the children of God. Matthew 5:8-9

Many relationships, especially marital, are plaguedwith misunderstandings, criticism, conflict and the like.Arguably the most destructive cause of conflict is dueto assumptions. Assumption is the lowest form of infor-mation and therefore borderline ignorance. It is beliefwithout proof! Unfortunately instead of questioningour assumptions, many of us act on assumptions as ifthey were the truth.

Much of the conflict that takes place between peoplecan be avoided when we understand the relationshipbetween facts and feelings. It is often said that womenare led by emotions and men are more logical.However all of us are emotional, although we have dif-ferent ways of expressing it. 95% of all human emotionis self-created, only 5% is due to chemical or hormon-al reaction. Therefore it is a fallacy to believe that emo-tions such as anger, jealousy or fear are all 'natural'reactions to a given situation. It is the ‘meaning’ yougive to the situation that creates these emotions.Positive meaning triggers pleasurable emotions, a neg-ative meaning triggers painful emotions. Hence, emo-tions are the outcome of how you think. For example, ifyou are given half a glass of water, would you considerit half full or half empty? Although neither answer isincorrect your answer will determine how you feel.Negative thinkers draw negative conclusions, but thereare always different ways of looking at the same thing.

To give further light on this subject, let us look at amap. A map is a graphical representation of a geo-graphical location. The map is merely illustrative; it isnot the territory! In like manner in order to make senseof any event, situation and the world around us, wemust give it a meaning. Like the map the meaningsderived serve as our own interpretation of a larger andmore detailed reality. Non of us are in the position tosee the whole picture in full clarity. As Paul says “weknow in part, and we prophesy in part. For now we arelooking through a mirror that gives only a dim reflec-tion” (1 Corinthians 13:9-12 paraphrased).

To further complicate things, the meaning we give toany particular situation is derived by our own distortedviewpoint and thinking – known as distortions. No twopeople see things in the same way. Even if there werestanding together looking together at the same thing,each would see something different, express differing

viewpoints and go through differing experience. Thesedistortions are influenced by many factors of our per-sonality such as values, beliefs, goals, focus and thelike. Hence all of us have a subjective perception ofreality. Here are some common examples of distortedthinking that occur, especially when we are upset:

1. Personalization - taking valid comments as personalinsults or blaming yourself for something you couldnot control.2. All or nothing thinking - seeing events in extremeterms and allowing no room for shades of grey or mid-dle ground.3. Magnification and minimization - exaggerating thenegative and minimizing the positive.4. Catastrophizing - imagining or assuming the worstcase scenario.5. Over-Generalization - drawing sweeping conclu-sions based on a single event

It is important to note that all of us have a distortedconcept of reality. In many cases our distortions lead usto jump over a great deal of logic, common sense andexperience in order to reach extreme conclusions(assumption), which in turn creates painful, destructiveemotions, behavioural response and severe conse-

B

If this article has been a blessing to you in anyway please email: pearls@ministryinart.com THANK YOU.

32

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