Date post: | 17-Feb-2018 |
Category: |
Documents |
Upload: | rob-buxton |
View: | 217 times |
Download: | 0 times |
038 JULY 2015 039
Essays for men
P I C T U R E S : S H U T T E R S T O C K
IS THIS THE END OF MENAS WE KNOW IT?
The differences between men and women are gettingsmaller. So what does the future hold for us?
Depending on how you look at it, the women ofthe Sanumá tribe in Venezuela are either reallyfortunate or particularly unlucky. The female
members of the hunter-gatherer rainforest communityhave – for as long as anyone’s ever known – called theshots. In Sanumán society it’s the ladies who organisefunctions. It’s the women who arrange marriages. It’seven the women who labour in the fields, distributecrops and carry tools back and forth through the jungle.
Why are they unlucky? Because their male counterpartshaven’t kept up their end of the bargain. While the ladiesare running things, the men have relinquished allresponsibilities apart from those relating to mystical rituals.And it just so happens that Sanumán mystic rituals revolve
around the hammering of naturally occurring psychotropicdrugs like DMT. Picture it: the women – broad-shouldered,capable, full of beans; the men – withered, giggling, stonedand useless, like your wasteman nephew after a weekendspent with nothing for company but FIFA and Pringles.
The Sanumá situation is extreme, but it could providea microcosmic illustration of the way things are heading.Physically, men have been on a downward spiral for sometime. Our aboriginal ancestors, judging by their skeletonsand footprints, would have been able to run as fast asUsain Bolt. Rowers in Ancient Greece could perform featsthat can’t be duplicated by modern athletes. The armbones of elite tennis players are still less thick than anaverage man from previous millennia. And it’s not just our
arms and feet getting weaker. Thanksto changing genetic priorities, ourfaces are, too. Recent research hasdiscovered that modern women areattracted to men with less masculinefeatures. Softer faces, so the theorygoes, are subconsciously associatedwith traits that actually matter in the21st century: stability and caring. Asa result, the planet’s Robert Huths andJon Hamms are being eliminated fromthe gene pool. In 50 years’ time, blokeswith square jaws and powerful browscould be endangered, galumphingacross the horizon, hunky features setin chiselled grimaces as they cometo terms with imminent extinction.
Men then, are atrophying. Thisshouldn’t come as a surprise. Howmany women do you know whose ideaof a good time consists of sitting ona couch for 49 hours playing Black Ops [Fig.1]? It won’t be long until we’rea forlorn, lesser-strain of weak-chinnedpeons, brittle spines bowed from hoursspent in front of computers, libidosdepleted due to PornHub addiction.Women, meanwhile, have been makingup for lost time. The gentler sex hasnever been more awesome. Olympicswimmer Ye Shiwen frequently clockstimes faster than those achieved bymen. The success of South Africanrunner Caster Semenya resulted in herhaving to prove to the world (by DNAtesting) that she wasn’t a man. And– as you well know – Serena Williamscould beat the piss out of 99% of uswithout breaking a sweat [Fig.2].
It goes without saying that womenare smarter than men. Exam results atall age groups show that girls do betterthan boys. Hedge funds managed bywomen do three times as well as thosethat aren’t. And companies with femaleCEOs, on average, outperform thosewith male CEOs by 50%.
Women are coming to the fore in allsorts of areas traditionally thought ofas the sole and rightful domain of men.Since the notorious writer ChristopherHitchens declared that ‘women are notfunny’ in 2007, a plethora of femaleperformers and writers have put paidto the lie that girls – if they are going
to try their hand at comedy – need tostick to jokes about diets, sanitarytowels and silly boyfriends. Tina Fey,Amy Schumer and Amy Poehler createpopular TV and film every bit as qualityas Curb Your Enthusiasm and I’m Alan
Partridge. Clearly the funny bone is notlocated in the penis.
Dating apps like Tinder have helpedshift the paradigm, too. Guys havealways liked to believe they had themonopoly on the dating game, stringsfree or otherwise. These days, a girldoesn’t have to wait for some slack- jawed clown to amble his way acrossa pub to ask her out. She can pick andchoose whoever she damn well wants,plucked from a never-ending catalogueof eager men, often topless, sometimesposing with wild animals [Fig.3].
The good news is that this state ofaffairs is something to be celebrated,not feared. For previous generationsof men, the accepted supremacy oftheir gender came with the burdenof tremendous responsibility. Most ofour dads and grandads were, by andlarge, expected to single-handedlysupport their families financially. Nowmen aren’t the sole breadwinners. Thelast few years has seen an 80% risein the number of families in which themother is the biggest earner.
The standard dynamic, wherebywomen stay at home to raise childrenwhile men earn a living, is being eroded.Currently in Britain, only 40% ofdads have taken paternity leave, butthe numbers are on the increase. InSweden, the government gives everyfamily a gender-neutral parental leaveallowance that pays 90% of thehousehold income for 180 days perchild. The parents are free to divvyup those days between them.
It’s a brave new world. And it wouldbe a massive shame if we bottled it likethe Sanumán caners, sat on our arses,dumbly waiting for the day womenevolve to the point they are able toprocreate without us. We’re lucky tolive in an age in which men and womenapproach the gnarly bastard that isadult life as absolute equals. Let’s notlet the ladies down.
Fig. 1 Although women do play
video games, research
shows that the ‘hardcore’
gamers who play for
20-plus hours per week
are mainly men.
Fig. 2 We cannot get enough
of women who could
tear us limb from limb.
Fig. 3Don’t believe us?
TinderGuysWithTigers.
tumblr.com is actually
a thing. Yes, really…
By J OE MA CKERT ICH