SUBSTANCE ABUSE AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE AND FAMILY SYSTEMS FAMILY SYSTEMS

IN DEPENDENCY AND IN DEPENDENCY AND RECOVERYRECOVERY

copyright 2013 Tiffany Couch, LMFT, LADC, CPS

Families can be seen as Families can be seen as systems. They all have:systems. They all have:

Rules Rules ValuesValues Verbal and nonverbal methods of Verbal and nonverbal methods of

communicationcommunication BoundariesBoundaries RolesRoles Patterns of interactionPatterns of interaction

Substance dependency causes Substance dependency causes dysfunction in the familydysfunction in the family

Looking at the Looking at the family as a family as a system it is system it is

VERY VERY IMPORTANT to IMPORTANT to address the address the problem of problem of substance substance abuse and abuse and

dependency!!dependency!!

If the family system does not If the family system does not change and family members do not change and family members do not

do their own recovery work…do their own recovery work…

the styles of the styles of communication communication and interaction and interaction don’t change don’t change and those old and those old

interactions put interactions put the the

alcoholic/addict alcoholic/addict at risk for at risk for relapse!relapse!

Reasons families may be Reasons families may be resistant to treatment:resistant to treatment:

Too often the alcoholic/addict is the Too often the alcoholic/addict is the focus of treatment…”just fix him and focus of treatment…”just fix him and we’ll be okay.”we’ll be okay.”

Family members resist looking at Family members resist looking at their own behaviors and painful their own behaviors and painful feelings.feelings.

Fear that the family system won’t Fear that the family system won’t survive, that it’s damaged beyond survive, that it’s damaged beyond repair.repair.

Family RulesFamily Rules

Family rules often involve rules of Family rules often involve rules of communicationcommunication– Who is allowed to express feelingsWho is allowed to express feelings– How and when they are expressedHow and when they are expressed– How they are receivedHow they are received

The rules of the dysfunction The rules of the dysfunction family are:family are:

DON’T TALKDON’T TALKDON’T TRUSTDON’T TRUSTDON’T FEELDON’T FEEL

Don’t TalkDon’t Talk

Talking about the problem will only Talking about the problem will only make it worsemake it worse

It’s the family secret and is NEVER It’s the family secret and is NEVER mentioned to anyone outside the mentioned to anyone outside the familyfamily

Nothing is going to change so why Nothing is going to change so why botherbother

Don’t TrustDon’t Trust

Trusting will only lead to Trusting will only lead to disappointmentdisappointment

You don’t trust what you hear or what You don’t trust what you hear or what you seeyou see

Promises are made to be brokenPromises are made to be broken

Don’t FeelDon’t Feel

Feelings are for wimpsFeelings are for wimps Feelings are too painfulFeelings are too painful Expression of painful feelings is not Expression of painful feelings is not

allowed because it might cause more allowed because it might cause more problemsproblems

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY SYSTEMSSYSTEMS

Rigid family systemRigid family system Ambiguous family systemAmbiguous family system Overextended family systemOverextended family system Distorted family systemDistorted family system

As each is addressed, see if you As each is addressed, see if you identify with a particular system.identify with a particular system.

RIGID FAMILY SYSTEMRIGID FAMILY SYSTEM RULESRULES

– Strict rules with no exceptions. The rule Strict rules with no exceptions. The rule keeper is exempt from the rules.keeper is exempt from the rules.

VALUESVALUES– It’s my way or the highway. Things are It’s my way or the highway. Things are

right or wrong, black or white.right or wrong, black or white. MOTTOMOTTO

– Do it right or else!Do it right or else! COMMUNICATIONCOMMUNICATION

– From the top down, only.From the top down, only.

AMBIGUOUS FAMILY SYSTEMAMBIGUOUS FAMILY SYSTEM

RULESRULES– We have rules but we don’t enforce We have rules but we don’t enforce

them.them. VALUESVALUES

– Ever changing, based on the situation.Ever changing, based on the situation. MOTTOMOTTO

– Avoid conflict at all costs.Avoid conflict at all costs. COMMUNICATIONCOMMUNICATION

– Mixed messages that are confusing.Mixed messages that are confusing.

OVEREXTENDED FAMILY OVEREXTENDED FAMILY SYSTEMSYSTEM

RULESRULES– Be productive, get busy, stay on the Be productive, get busy, stay on the

move.move. VALUESVALUES

– Look good, achieve through willpower, Look good, achieve through willpower, no time for feelings.no time for feelings.

MOTTOMOTTO– We can achieve anything!We can achieve anything!

COMMUNICATIONCOMMUNICATION– Whatever is pleasing to the parents.Whatever is pleasing to the parents.

DISTORTED FAMILY SYSTEMDISTORTED FAMILY SYSTEM

RULESRULES– Don’t let outsiders know we’re crazy, act Don’t let outsiders know we’re crazy, act

normal.normal. VALUESVALUES

– Maintain illusion of normalcy despite all the Maintain illusion of normalcy despite all the problems.problems.

MOTTOMOTTO– Aren’t most families like ours?Aren’t most families like ours?

COMMUNICATIONCOMMUNICATION– Mixed messages, most family members Mixed messages, most family members

unavailable.unavailable.

Communication within the Communication within the dysfunctional family is often:dysfunctional family is often:

ConfusingConfusing ThreateningThreatening From the top downFrom the top down Has double messagesHas double messages

The different types of communication The different types of communication styles are:styles are:

PlacaterPlacater

Discount themselves. Their goal is to Discount themselves. Their goal is to avoid conflict and to avoid other’s avoid conflict and to avoid other’s anger.anger.

Use words of agreement: “whatever Use words of agreement: “whatever you want is okay with me.”you want is okay with me.”

Body language is of being submissive.Body language is of being submissive. Feelings are of being worthless.Feelings are of being worthless.

BlamerBlamer

Elevate themselves by discounting Elevate themselves by discounting others.others.

Use words that are critical: “you can’t Use words that are critical: “you can’t do anything right!”do anything right!”

Body language is of being more Body language is of being more powerful and dominant.powerful and dominant.

Feelings are that is other people’s Feelings are that is other people’s fault they are unhappy.fault they are unhappy.

IntellectualizerIntellectualizer

Goal is to place rigid emphasis on the Goal is to place rigid emphasis on the cognitive to figure out problems.cognitive to figure out problems.

Use words that extremely logical: that Use words that extremely logical: that makes sense and is reasonable.makes sense and is reasonable.

Body language is of being in control.Body language is of being in control. Feelings are avoided… it’s the Feelings are avoided… it’s the

thinking that’s important.thinking that’s important.

DistracterDistracter

Goal is to keep others and Goal is to keep others and themselves away from painful themselves away from painful feelings.feelings.

Use words that are confusing and Use words that are confusing and irrelevant to the situation.irrelevant to the situation.

Body language is of being somewhere Body language is of being somewhere elseelse

Feelings are avoided because they Feelings are avoided because they may cause pain.may cause pain.

LEVELINGLEVELING

Leveling is the healthy Leveling is the healthy state of communication.state of communication.

Words, body language, Words, body language, and feelings match the and feelings match the message.message.

FAMILY SYSTEM ROLESFAMILY SYSTEM ROLES

These roles are labeled in terms of These roles are labeled in terms of the coping mechanisms family the coping mechanisms family members use to survive in the members use to survive in the dysfunctional family system.dysfunctional family system.

These roles are illustrations of These roles are illustrations of dysfunctional patterns and are not dysfunctional patterns and are not used to “diagnose”.used to “diagnose”.

Victim/AddictVictim/Addict

HostileHostile ManipulativeManipulative AggressiveAggressive BlamingBlaming Self- pitySelf- pity CharmingCharming RigidRigid

CHIEF ENABLERCHIEF ENABLER

Assumes primary responsibility for the chemically Assumes primary responsibility for the chemically dependent persondependent person

Protects, shelters, and even denies the problemProtects, shelters, and even denies the problem Attempts to control, takes over responsibility, Attempts to control, takes over responsibility,

rationalizes and acceptsrationalizes and accepts

HEROHERO

The achiever, the good child, the model childThe achiever, the good child, the model child The family can point to this child and say “we The family can point to this child and say “we

don’t have problems, just look at him/her”don’t have problems, just look at him/her” Family’s self-worth is tied to this child’s Family’s self-worth is tied to this child’s

accomplishmentsaccomplishments

SCAPEGOATSCAPEGOAT

Their primary function is to divert the families Their primary function is to divert the families attention from the real problemattention from the real problem

Family member can blame the scapegoat for all Family member can blame the scapegoat for all their problemstheir problems

Often exhibits acting out behaviors in school, at Often exhibits acting out behaviors in school, at home, and displays anti-social behaviorhome, and displays anti-social behavior

LOST CHILDLOST CHILD

Often the most tragicOften the most tragic Role is to allow the family to expend less energyRole is to allow the family to expend less energy Family reinforces this child for not having “needs”Family reinforces this child for not having “needs” Frequently disconnects emotionallyFrequently disconnects emotionally

MASCOTMASCOT

Primary role is to divert attention away from the Primary role is to divert attention away from the family issues and painfamily issues and pain

Uses humor, silliness, and even making fun of Uses humor, silliness, and even making fun of him/herselfhim/herself

Often denies a sense of self and may feel Often denies a sense of self and may feel unworthy unless they can alleviate painunworthy unless they can alleviate pain

STAGES IN FAMILY RECOVERYSTAGES IN FAMILY RECOVERY

The stages of grieving can also The stages of grieving can also be used to describe the stages be used to describe the stages

of recovery:of recovery:

DenialDenial AngerAnger BargainingBargaining FeelingFeeling AcceptanceAcceptance

DenialDenial

Family members rarely acknowledge Family members rarely acknowledge something is wrongsomething is wrong

May seek help in an indirect, May seek help in an indirect, nonspecific waynonspecific way

Friends and relatives often reinforce Friends and relatives often reinforce the denialthe denial

AngerAnger

Effective defense to keep family Effective defense to keep family members from talking about the real members from talking about the real problemproblem

Can involve actual or threatened Can involve actual or threatened abandonment or rejectionabandonment or rejection

Used by the dependent person to Used by the dependent person to avoid feelings of shameavoid feelings of shame

Family members may reach out Family members may reach out beyond relatives but information beyond relatives but information continues to be vague or minimizedcontinues to be vague or minimized

BargainingBargaining

Usually follows a major crisisUsually follows a major crisis Family can no longer deny that there Family can no longer deny that there

is a problemis a problem Family still not ready to effect real Family still not ready to effect real

change so tries to “buy” their way outchange so tries to “buy” their way out Family members may reach out to Family members may reach out to

professionals but are not really ready professionals but are not really ready to follow throughto follow through

FeelingFeeling

Family member can no longer deny, Family member can no longer deny, cover with anger, or bargain their cover with anger, or bargain their feelings awayfeelings away

Family members become anxious and Family members become anxious and hyper-vigilanthyper-vigilant

Intense feelings force family Intense feelings force family members to seek helpmembers to seek help

AcceptanceAcceptance

Family members recognize the Family members recognize the problem for what it really isproblem for what it really is

They are ready to do work necessary They are ready to do work necessary to healto heal

Recognizing that all are suffering, Recognizing that all are suffering, they have the courage to get helpthey have the courage to get help

This is where treatment and recovery This is where treatment and recovery beginbegin

The EndThe End

Copyright 2013 Tiffany Couch, LMFT, LADC, CPS