The Love For Three Oranges Based on the scenario Z’amore Delle Tre Melarance by Carlo Gozzi, 1761 PROLOGUE The stage consists of a few rope ladders and the occasional brightly colored block. Orange lanterns hang from above. A brightly colored armchair sits downstage with one of the RIDICULES in it who opens a large fairy tale book entitled “The Love For Three Oranges” and begins to read. TCHELIO and FATA MORGANA sit at the side of the stage playing a game of cards. House lights lower to half. As the RIDICULE turns the page the characters come to life. A couple of the RIDICULE characters tumble out onto the stage, their language consists entirely of gibberish with the exception of the odd word or two. They begin to set up the stage for the upcoming action. A couple of the RIDICULE characters preset the frozen KING, GUARDS and the PANTALONE characters and position them for the next scene. The whole entrance involves a wide array of lazzi action: pranks, pratfalls, stilt walking, juggling and acrobatics. The RIDICULE characters become aware of the card game and surround FATA MORGANA and TCHELIO. The action freezes. The RIDICULE in the armchair turns the page. RIDICULE: Once upon a time in a far away kingdom a great battle between good and evil raged. One of the RIDICULE characters blows a trumpet, another RIDUCULE announces the final card game between FATA MORGANA and TCHELIO and the card game resumes. As the game intensifies the RIDICULE characters adopt ‘card costumes’ and are vigorously moved about upon the stage. The card game reaches a climax and FATA MORGANA is beaten. She sweeps the RIDICULES offstage in a single gesture, then turns toward TCHELIO and casts him offstage in the other direction. Vowing revenge she exits. At the side of the stage she stops to speak with LEANDRO in hushed tones and hands him a bubbling potion. 1
Transcript
The Love For Three OrangesBased on the scenario Z’amore Delle Tre Melarance by Carlo Gozzi, 1761
PROLOGUEThe stage consists of a few rope ladders and the occasional brightly colored block. Orange lanterns hang from above. A brightly colored armchair sits downstage with one of the RIDICULES in it who opens a large fairy tale book entitled “The Love For Three Oranges” and begins to read. TCHELIO and FATA MORGANA sit at the side of the stage playing a game of cards.
House lights lower to half.
As the RIDICULE turns the page the characters come to life.
A couple of the RIDICULE characters tumble out onto the stage, their language consists entirely of gibberish with the exception of the odd word or two. They begin to set up the stage for the upcoming action. A couple of the RIDICULE characters preset the frozen KING, GUARDS and the PANTALONE characters and position them for the next scene.
The whole entrance involves a wide array of lazzi action: pranks, pratfalls, stilt walking, juggling and acrobatics.
The RIDICULE characters become aware of the card game and surround FATA MORGANA and TCHELIO. The action freezes. The RIDICULE in the armchair turns the page.
RIDICULE: Once upon a time in a far away kingdom a great battle between good and evil raged.
One of the RIDICULE characters blows a trumpet, another RIDUCULE announces the final card game between FATA MORGANA and TCHELIO and the card game resumes. As the game intensifies the RIDICULE characters adopt ‘card costumes’ and are vigorously moved about upon the stage.
The card game reaches a climax and FATA MORGANA is beaten. She sweeps the RIDICULES offstage in a single gesture, then turns toward TCHELIO and casts him offstage in the other direction. Vowing revenge she exits. At the side of the stage she stops to speak with LEANDRO in hushed tones and hands him a bubbling potion.
All characters retire offstage
The house lights fade to black and single spotlight rests upon the RIDICULE in the armchair.
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RIDICULE: The evil sorceress, Fata Morgana, and her reign of terror had finally come to an end. Defeated by the great Tchelio, sorcerer to the King, in a deadly battlef of . . . snap, she swore to seek her revenge. With one foul swoop she banished Tchelio to an ominous wilderness, far, far away and cast a spell over the kingdom of the King of Hearts, a black curse, striking at the heart of his only son, Prince Tartaglia.
The Lights cross fade and come up on the KING of HEARTS, the GUARDS and the PANTALONE characters.
ACT ONEScene OneThe royal court. KING of HEARTS, PANTALONE characters, GUARDS and RIDICULES.
KING: Oh, Pantalone, confidant to me, the King! My only son, Prince Tartaglia, sole heir to my throne, lies on his deathbed. The cause of this black curse remains unknown! And now my magical advisor, Tchelio, has disappeared! Meanwhile, on a potentially unrelated note, Princess Clarice, second in line to the throne, grows more strange and cruel by the moment. Oh, the inhumanity!
The KING sobs.
OLD PANTALONE: All this is true, but with all due respect, your Majesty, why are you telling me this? Perhaps you have forgotten but I live here. I know all this already.
KING: Oh, I know.
OLD PANTALONE: Then . . . why . . ?
KING: It’s for them. (Points to the audience) Plot exposition.
OLD PANTALONE: Ah! Very good, Your Majesty.
OLDER PANTALONE: Very clever.
OLDEST PANTALONE: It was interwoven so well I hardly noticed.
KING: That’s why I’m King. (In a daze) Oh, my poor son!
PANTALONES: The poor son!
KING: My sole heir!
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PANTALONES: The sole heir!
OLDER PANTALONE: No better?
KING: Worse! How could this have happened? I’ve always made him wear his coat outdoors and wash his hands before eating and I never let him kiss frogs!
OLDEST PANTALONE: Your Majesty. (signals to the KING to come closer and he
says confidentially) I don’t mean to be indiscreet, but could the illness be something that you (chooses word) contracted in your youth?
KING: Pardon?
OLDEST PANTALONE: Perhaps a boyish indiscretion on your behalf?
KING: I’m not following.
OLDEST PANTALONE: What I mean to say sire, is that you may have (chooses word) known several women other than the Queen . . .
KING: Come again?
OLDEST PANTALONE: (flatly) Did you ever cheat on your wife?
KING: (Suddenly understands) Oh! No! No. I have always been faithful, completely faithful, to my wife, the Queen. At least as long as she was alive.
OLDEST PANTALONE: Hmm. Well, let’s not underestimate the Prince.
KING: (Shakes his head no) No. No, Prince Tartaglia has never known love. (sappy music) He is still waiting for that special someone to animate his heart. (music stops
abruptly) Oh, my poor son!
PANTALONES: The poor son!
KING: My sole heir!
PANTALONES: The sole heir!
KING: No, Pantalone. I’ve had the greatest doctors in the realm examine him and they all declare that there is no hope for recovery. The kingdom is doomed!
OLD PANTALONE: Oh, those doctors, what do they know?
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OLDER PANTALONE: Yes, aren’t you forgetting all those (chooses word) accidents that caused the demise of many a royal guest.
OLD PANTALONE: Think of all those lawyer fees you had to pay out to prove that they were only partially responsible for their deaths!
OLDEST PANTALONE: Their incompetence nearly cost you the kingdom!
KING: Oh, don’t exaggerate. The royal doctors barely kill half their patients and they always stop drinking after they pass out. No, Pantalone, for once they all say the same thing.
OLD PANTALONE: And what do they say?
KING: It is an extremely grave, and most probably terminal, case of (big dramatic pause) hypochondria. (dramatic flourish of music)
PANTALONES: Hypochondria?
KING: Yes! There is no hope. No cure! They say laughter is the best medicine, the only thing that may provide some relief. Yet no one can make him laugh. Death by hypochondria!
The KING weeps again.
OLDER PANTALONE: There, there sire. There lies some hope in what you said. We are in luck! By chance, or some cheap plot set-up, the great jester Truffaldino, and his band of players, have arrived at the court today. We shall declare a “Festival of Laughter”! (trumpet flourish)
KING: Did you say a “Festival of Laughter”? (trumpet flourish)
OLDER PANTALONE: Yes a “Festival of Laughter” (trumpet flourish) and through which the Prince shall surely return to his former self.
OLDEST PANTALONE: If anyone can get the Prince to laugh it’s Truffaldino!
KING: Well I . . .
OLD PANTALONE: What have you got to lose? We’ve tried everything else!
KING: But the boy is so sick! All the noise and festivities might make him worse.
OLDER PANTALONE: But sick with hypochondria!
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KING: Terminal hypochondria!
OLDEST PANTALONE: That means it is all in his mind!
KING: Hmmm . . . . “A Festival of Laughter” (trumpet flourish) Well, I’ll try it. Call for the jester immediately! We shall celebrate tonight!
LEANDRO enters.
OLD PANTALONE: (aside to audience) That’s Leandro, the First Minister. I don’t trust him at all. I’ll bet he wants the Prince dead.
LEANDRO: (aside to audience) Hi! I’m Leandro, the First Minister. Boy, do I want the Prince dead.
KING: Ah, Leandro, I have just ordered a “Festival of Laughter” (trumpet flourish) for Prince Tartaglia, starring the great jester Truffaldino and his band of players! Ah, Pantalone, take this sack of gold as a token of my thanks!
LEANDRO: But Your Highness! Poor Prince Tartaglia, such an uproar could bring about his death!
KING: Laughter cannot possibly hurt him, if anything, it shall give him some relief! Ah, Pantalone, I always knew that if I stuck it out long enough, I would eventually gain some happiness from our friendship.
OLDER PANTALONE: (counting his money) Yes, yes, happiness indeed!
KING: Ah, Pantalone, you have given me new hope!
OLDEST PANTALONE: (sucking up) Well, actually, your Majesty, it was mostly your idea.
KING: Was it? So, that’s why I’m King.
OLDEST PANTALONE: Oh, your highness, you are such a card.
KING: Shut up Pantalone.
OLDEST PANTALONE: Yes, Your Majesty.
KING: Come, let us prepare for the “Festival of Laughter”! (trumpet flourish)
The KING of HEARTS and the PANATLONE characters exit quickly, followed by the GUARDS.
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LEANDRO: (calls after them) Your Majesty, I beg you to reconsider! This foolish, hasty move may end in disaster! (they are gone) Damn those meddling old fools! And where did this clown Truffaldino come from? If the Prince laughs even once then all our efforts will be for nothing. ARG! Why hasn’t the infernal whiner died yet? Who is interfering with my plans?
LEANDRO: (begrudgingly complies with the tired routine) Oh, Princess, perhaps we should not be so free with affections until the Prince is dead.
CLARICE: (pouts) O foo. It could take years for the Prince to die of hypochondria! Years! I’m tired of waiting. I want to get married now!
LEANDRO: Patience, my little peach blossom, patience. I have enlisted the help of a very powerful ally, one who will begin to tip the balance.
CLARICE: Oh yeah! Who?
LEANDRO: It is Fata Morgana, (chord) a powerful sorceress whose very name brings fear to the ears that speak it. (from this point in the play on, a chord occurs after anyone says “Fata Morgana”)
CLARICE: Ears that speak it?
LEANDRO: She has given me this potion (reveals a bubbling vial) to slip into his medicine tonight to haste him on his way. And then, when the Prince is dead, you and I will marry and then I will be King!
CLARICE: And I will be Queen!
LEANDRO: (slightly overlapping her line) And I will be King!
They begin a full bodied evil laugh and freeze mid laugh as the RIDICULE slams the book shut in horror, then flips back a few pages.
RIDICULE: In his pursuit to become King, Leandro had joined forces with Fata Morgana. For Fata Morgana vowed never to rest until she had destroyed the kingdom once and for all!
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The RIDICULE slams the book shut in shock. After a moment he turns back to the previous page in the book. Immediately LEANDRO and CLARICE resume their scene, looking about in confusion.
LEANDRO: What on earth was that?
CLARICE: Ouch. Why do I feel so stiff?
LEANDRO: Someone or something is interfering. I don’t like it! First that clown Truffaldino shows up out of nowhere.
CLARICE: Truffaldino! Ooh! I love him! He’s hilarious! Sooo funny!
LEANDRO: (snapping) Which, my little love bucket, is the problem! The royal doctors are right about one thing: laughter is the best medicine. For if Prince Tartaglia laughs, even once, the spell will be broken and I will never be King.
CLARICE: Then I will never be Queen.
LEANDRO: (overlap) Or I King.
BRIGHELLA runs in.
BRIGHELLA: Master! Master!
LEANDRO: What is it Brighella?
BRIGHELLA: I bring you news! Tchelio, sorcerer to the King is attempting to thwart your evil plans! He’s the one who beat Fata Morgana in the game of snap, he’s the one who sent the clowns here to protect the Prince.
LEANDRO What did you say?& CLARICE:
BRIGHELLA: I bring you news! Tchelio, sorcerer to the King is attempting to thwart your evil plans! He’s the one who beat Fata Morgana in the game of snap, he’s the one who sent the clowns here to protect the Prince.
LEANDRO: Yes, yes, all right.
CLARICE: We’ve got to kill that clown, and we have to do it quickly. Quickly!
CLARICE AND LEANDRO run around screaming madly in a panic.
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BRIGHELLA: My lord and lady! Calm yourselves! Fata Morgana (chord) herself will be here tonight for the festivities. She will finish off Prince Tartaglia once and for all! For if he does not laugh tonight, he will be dead by morning.
LEANDRO: And then I will be King!
CLARICE: And I will be Queen!
LEANDRO: (overlap) And I will be King! Then the kingdom will be ours!
They all erupt into evil laughter.
LEANDRO: Come. We must go and plan for tonight. (begins to exit, the others pause)
BRIGHELLA: With all due respect, sir, didn’t we just plan for tonight?
CLARICE: Yeah, that’s what I thought we were doing?
LEANDRO: True. (A pause. Then, exactly as before) Come. Let us get off the stage so that the next scene can begin!
They all lift their legs high in the air and dash offstage.
Scene TwoThe bedchamber. The PRINCE lies on the bed, covered partially by an operating sheet. The DOTTORES surround him.
RIDICULE: Meanwhile, on the opposite side of the castle, unaware of the plots against him, Prince Tartaglia was in misery. The royal doctors worked tirelessly to cure him of this unknown disease, this black curse that plagued him.
One of the DOTTORES fires a pistol in the air. The PRINCE jumps into BALANZONES arms.
PRINCE: What was that?
BALANZONE: Relax. He’s just clearing the room of bacteria.
BALANZONE puts him back into bed.
BOLOARDO: Here are the x-rays.
All look and ominously shake their heads and make despairing sounds.
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GRAZIANO: (Pointing to the x-ray) Okay, you cut down here to the old pond, and make a right. Then go past the castle tower and go left at the stables . . .
SKARPAZON: But those are the directions to the forbidden forest!
GRAZIANO: That’s right. We want to make sure the patient can never find us again!
They cover the PRINCE with the sheet.
PRINCE: No anesthetic?
FORBIZONE: Yes, but to cut costs, we don’t use gas.
AGNAN: We just lull you either to sleep or into a false sense of security.
They all begin to hum him to sleep.
BALANZONE: Are you asleep?
PRINCE: No but I am lulled into that false sense of security now.
BALANZONE: Good. Surgical team, proceed!
The DOTTORES perform an extraordinary operation pulling oversized body parts and objects from inside the PRINCE. The RIDICULES catch the items and move about the stage with them. The DOTTORES waddle about the stage, heads popping up and down like ostriches as they engage in a new remedy. They engage in a tug of war with his intestines, saw him in half, stretch and twist him in all manner of speaking. The RIDICULES also bring on large medicine bottles made of foam and deliver them to the DOTTORES. They finally pull away the operating sheet and the PRINCE sits up with a loud sneeze.
PRINCE: (Sad music plays. Elaborate show of blowing his nose.) Oh woe is me! (He coughs.) What a fate!
BALANZONE: Well, we’ve tried everything!
BOLOARDO: Fruit diet!
DOTTORES: Fail!
GRAZIANO: Junk Food Diet!
DOTTORES: Fail!
SKARPAZON: Fresh air diet!
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DOTTORES: Fail!
FORBIZONE: Best bet diet!
DOTTORES: Fail!
AGNAN: The crash diet!
DOTTORES: Fail!
BALANZONE: Even the broken jaw diet!
DOTTORES: Fail, Fail, Fail!
They shake their heads and cheeks in bewilderment exhaling as they do so.
PRINCE: And yet I’m still sick! Always weak, always squeamish, wretched and miserable and most of all always (he coughs pathetically) . . . sad. (Sad music fades out. His watch beeps) Oh! It’s time for my medicine. (he lovingly takes a spoonful). Mmmm!
LEANDRO enters with a number of large, black, ominous looking books approaching the DOTTORES.
LEANDRO: Could you possibly direct me to the Prince?
AGNAN: Would you repeat your question?
LEANDRO: (loudly) Could you possibly . . .
AGNAN: There is no need to shout I’m not deaf!
SKARPAZON: It is not a question of volume but of clarity!
AGNAN: As I understand it, you ask me if I can possibly point out the domicile of Prince . . .
LEANDRO: (annoyed) Tartgalia!
BOLOARDO: I can assure you that the answer is ‘yes – it is possible’.
FORBIZONE: However, to do this it would required that we a) should know the person.
GRAZIANO: And b) know where that person lived.
BALANZONE: And furthermore it would be necessary for us to have ears to hear your original question.
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BOLOARDO: A voice which to reply.
SKARPAZON: And such additional body parts as arms to extend.
FORBIZONE: And fingers to point out the direction.
LEANDRO: (frustrated) Will you tell me how is the Prince?
FORBIZONE: That is interesting . . . you use the word will, which is of the future tense . . .
BOLOARDO: Who of us would presume to know the divine will as to what will happen?
GRAZIANO: You should have asked would we tell you.
SKARPAZON: Being of a naturally friendly disposition to our fellow man we would.
LEANDRO: Better?
DORRORES: Worse.
LEANDRO: (Approaching the PRINCE) Your Majesty (bowing deeply) I bring you a little light reading to quench your thirst for knowledge.
He rests the large books upon the bedside table.
PRINCE: What is it?
LEANDRO: Oh, a most acclaimed book. ‘How to Kill Yourself Without Really Trying’.
PRINCE: A self help book! How thoughtful.
LEANDRO: Yes there’s also ‘101 Ways to Kick the Bucket’ and my personal favourite ‘Croak’. I also bring you . . . (goes to reveal the bubbling potion but is interrupted by the entrance of the ZANNIS).
TRUFFALDINO and the ZANNI characters enter with a comic routine following which he then jumps back up, bows, returning to see the effect of this on the still stoic PRINCE.
TRUFFALDINO: Funny?
PRINCE: No. (whines) No! Not funny at all! It was loud and boring and it gave me a headache! Who are you anyway?
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TRUFFALDINO: Who am I? I am the internationally famous clown and wandering court jester, Truffaldino!
ARLECCHINO: The King of comedy!
BELTRAME: Stand Up Comedy!
HARLEQUIN: Practical Comedy! (slaps ARLECCHINO)
PULCINELLA: Serio Comedy!
They all react as if ARLECHHINO is dead.
ZANNIS: Boo, hoo, hoo hoo!
ARLECCHINO leaps up and goes to slap HARLEQUIN back.
HARLEQUIN: The old switch-a-roo!
HARLEQUIN ducks and ARLECCHINO slaps BELTRAME instead.
MEZZITINO: And of course Freudian slips!
Disorientated from the slap BELTRAME staggers backwards, PULCINELLA crouches down and he topples backwards over him.
TRUFFALDINO: I make everyone laugh!
PRINCE: Well you don’t make me laugh. (turns and rolls over as if he is going to back to sleep) I’m tired!
TRUFFALDINO: You’re too young to retire! Your father, the King, has prepared a “Festival of Laughter?” (trumpet flourish)
PRINCE: Did you say a “Festival of Laughter?” (trumpet flourish)
TRUFFALDINO: Yes a “Festival of Laughter” (trumpet flourish) and your presence is required!
PRINCE: A festival in my condition?
PRINCE TARTAGLIA hugs his medicine bottles to him. TRUFFALDINO begins to throw the medicine bottles about. The RIDICULES enter and catch them.
PRINCE: What are you doing? Stop! My medicines! Stop!
LEANDRO: Stop! Stop! I forbid you to take him! The Prince cannot be expected to attend a festival in his condition, he is too unwell!
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TRUFFALDINO: Then we shall fight . . . for the right . . . to party!
TRUFFALDINO blows a whistle. A microphone is lowered from the ceiling. The ZANNI characters set up for a boxing match. TRUFFALDINO acts as the referee.Chase music begins. During the following the DOTTORES barrack from behind a rope made from the PRINCES ‘sausages’ from the beginning of the scene. They become hysterical roaring with laughter and rolling about on the floor.
LEANDRO finally pulls the book biding from one of the books and uses it as a sword, wielding it ala Indiana Jones style, but is then shot with silly string by HARLEQUIN and is knocked from his feet falling backwards over the DOTTORES. The PRINCE frantically begins to try to retrieve the bottles. A chase ensues. The ZANNIS finally trick the PRINCE and, pretending to be a horse, sweep the PRINCE off his feet and carry him offstage on their backs, kicking and whining offstage.
TRUFFALDINO: To the banquet!
MEZZITINO: To the ball!
HARLEQUIN: No more medicines for you!
PRINCE: Stop! Stop! I’ll die! I’m too sick to go out! Stop! Stop . . .
The Lights fade to Blackout.
Scene ThreeThe royal court. All the guests adopt masks and are frozen across the stage. The RIDICULES move about changing their positions to establish the topic of their conversations and emotional states.
RIDICULE: And so it was time for the royal “Festival of Laughter” (trumpet flourish). Guests from far and wide had been invited to attend hoping to make the Prince laugh and save the kingdom.
LEANDRO enters moving amongst the crowd and approaches the GUARDS.
LEANDRO: (To the GUARDS) Come here!
HEART: Here? Here I am.
LEANDRO: No. You’re there. I need you here.
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HEART: There. I’m here.
DIAMOND: Now listen here. Do you hear?
ALL: No.
LEANDRO: Well, be quiet, and listen. (like a ventriloquist) Chink, chink, chink.
SPADE You’re saying ‘Chink, chink, chink’.
LEANDRO: No, I’m not saying it. It’s my money. (holding up a coin bag, then quietly) Chink, chink, chink.
HEART: You’ve not got as much as you had a moment ago!
DIAMOND: Perhaps you lost some?
LEANDRO: No, you fools! I want you to give this to the Prince (holds up the bubbling potion) and then take my money.
SPADE: Take your money?
HEART: That’s not nice.
LEANDRO: Of course its not nice. We are not nice.
DIAMOND: Aren’t we?
SPADE: I think you’re nice!
LEANDRO: Bah! I’m surrounded by idiots! (moving away) A ‘Festival of Laughter’(trumpet flourish). Tis’ I who shall have the last laugh!
He erupts into evil laughter. FATA MORGANA, hunched over and dressed as a ridiculous old hag, enters. LEANDRO turns to face her.
LEANDRO: (Yells in a long a prolonged tone) Ahhhhhhhhhh! (takes a breath in) Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! (takes a breath in) Ahh –
FATA MORGANA interrupts this third cry by slapping him.
LEANDRO: Holy heart failure! Who are you! Who let you in?
FATA MORGANA: Fool. Don’t you recognize me? It is I (she throws her hood back to reveal her face.) Fata Morgana! (chord)
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LEANDRO: (groveling on his knees and kissing her hand) My Queen, my idol, my leader, my sovereign, my monarch, my shining light!
FATA MORGANA: That’s more like it.
The RIDICULE turns the page and the court comes to life.
KING: (addresses entire audience) Beloved subjects, welcome! We are here tonight in pursuit of happiness. Specifically, the happiness of my only son, Prince Tartaglia. Let the entertainments begin.
The ZANNI characters enter still carrying the PRINCE on their back. The PRINCE dismounts and one by one they bow and each in turn attempts to make him laugh.
They perform stunts, tricks, tell jokes and sing songs without any success. The PRINCE makes several attempts to flee but is finally tied to a chair to prevent his escape.
LEANDRO: (aside) This guy is good.
KING: (removing PRINCE TARTAGLIA’s gag, they unwrap him like a yoyo) Wasn’t that funny!
PRINCE: (shouting) No. Not at all. All this noise is giving me a headache. I need my medicines . . . (the KING shoves the gag back into his mouth)
DOTTORES: Better?
KING: No worse.
Meanwhile FATA MORGANA has been slowly inching toward the PRINCE with her deadly potion. Just as she arrives she turns and runs slap bang into the line of ZANNI characters.
ARELCCHINO: (Yells in a long a prolonged tone) Ahhhhhhhhhh! (takes a breath in and is replaced by PULCINELLA)
PULCINELLA: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! (takes a breath in and is replaced by TRUFFALDINO)
TRUFFALDINO: Ahh –
FATA MORGANA interrupts this third cry by slapping him. TRUFFALDINO responds by slapping her back. This develops into a comic routine of pushing, slapping and punching with the entire court being slapped.
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FATA MORGANA turns and runs toward TRUFFALDINO (slow motion upon the stage), at the last minute trips and falls, landing in front of the PRINCE, revealing a ridiculous pair of bloomers. The entire court is silenced. This is then broken by the PRINCE, who begins to slowly chuckle, then laugh and finally roar with laughter.
KING: Truffaldino! You have cured my son!
All the court begin rejoicing slapping their knees and high fiving. PRINCESS CLARICE and LEANDRO run to FATA MORGANAS rescue, helping her to her feet. She reveals herself and the crowd freeze like statues.
FATA MORGANA: (furiously stopping all the rejoicing. Magical flash) Stop this! Silence! Shut up and listen to me.
The crowd is silenced, except for PRINCE TARTAGLIA who still laughs. FATA MORGANA zaps him and he begins to listen attentively.
The RIDICULES quickly move amongst the crowd changing their positions from laughter to horror.
FATA MORGANA: Listen to me, you braying ass. To the ends of the earth it shall come to pass! I curse you to fall in love with an orange! Let’s make it three that grow two thousand miles across the earth and the sea! Run! Run! Find them if you can!
She laughs triumphantly and then disappears in a poof of smoke. The court comes back to life rubbing their stiff jaws.
PRINCE: Where are the three oranges? Where are they? My tangerines, my mandarins, my citrons I’m coming!
He rushes offstage
KING: Prince Tartaglia! Stop! Stop! My son! Stop!
The RIDICULE in the armchair begins flipping the page back and forth causing the crowd to change back and forth from their ‘laughter’ to ‘horror’ positions.
Lights fade to black.
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ACT TWOScene OneThe PRINCE’s chamber.
RIDICULE: The Prince began his preparations for the journey that would take him to the far corners of the earth in the search for the three juicy oranges that had captured his heart. He called for the finest hand-made armour to be constructed for the perils that awaited him would tremble the knees of even the bravest soldier!
The RIDICULES carry the PRINCE on and he strikes a grand pose.
The ZANNI characters bring on a pile of travelling bags. The whole process involving trips and tumbles.
PRINCE: Well, where is my royal garb? I’ve waited for over an hour now. I need a coat of armour that shall last me on my quest across the globe and I need a pair of iron shoes that will keep my feet firmly on the ground!
BELTRAME: But your Highness, where am I supposed to find a pair of iron shoes?
PRINCE: Improvise you clown! I’m sure you have something in your bag of tricks!
BELTRAME exits.
ARLECCHINO: Your Highness, why not just take an orange from the fruit bowl?
MEZZITINO: There are hundred of them in the kitchen!
PULCINELLA: Wouldn’t one of those do?
HARLEQUIN: You could order the planting of a royal orchard!
PRINCE: No! I must have three specific wonderful, beautiful, succulent, tantalizing oranges. (turning to TRUFFALDINO) And you, my funny little man, shall be my squire!
TRUFFALDINO: Now just a minute! I am the internationally famous clown and wandering court jester, Truffaldino!
PRINCE: (considers this for a moment) True. But I am the Prince I could order your death!
TRUFFALDINO: Oh, Your Highness. (bowing low) It would be my honour to accompany you on this hopeless quest.
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PULCINELLA: Where are we going to be questing to?
BELTRAME: I mean we don’t even know where these oranges are.
ARLECCHINO: Wouldn’t it be better to stay at the castle and send out scouts?
PRINCE: Your right! What this expedition is missing is scouts! Now
dib dib and dob dob get me my armour and let us go at once! (BELTRAME enters with culinary items for the PRINCES armour.) Whatever took you so long?
The ZANNI characters begin to take the pieces and try to figure out how to position them. Eventually they decide on the following: His helmet is a colander, shoulder pads are small pots, his legs have cheese graters strapped on to them and the breast plate is a silver dinner plate. The whole process involves a display of percussive music as they attach the kitchen items to the PRINCE.
PRINCE: Ahh! Wonderful! We are now ready to begin our quest. (He begins to tramp about the stage. His shoes – made from two pots - are very heavy and make a good deal of noise.) Truff, old boy, grab our bags! We are off!
Just as they begin to exit, the KING, PANTALONE characters, DOTTORES, GUARDS and RIDICULES enter.
KING: (More mock tragedy style. Sappy music) Stay, my son. Stay, for you will surely die on such a long journey. Do not leave the court, I beg you. This is a false love that you feel! There are other fish in the sea, other produce in the great supermarket of life. Oh, for all the love that any son ever had for his father, please do not go to your death!
PRINCE: No! No! Get out of my way! The oranges and I are meant to be together. Prepare my steed!
Two of the ZANNI characters don on donkey heads.
KING: Oh! How much sharper than a serpent’s tooth is an ungrateful child!
PRINCE: (big moment of defiance) Come, come, we must go!
KING: (dives on the floor and grabs his sons leg) No! Stay! Stop!
The PANTALONE characters join KING SILVIO on the floor.
PANTALONES: No. Stay. Stop!
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PRINCE: My destiny calls me! Farewell!
The PRINCE tries to leave but they have him too tightly. He snaps for the ZANNIS who try to pry them off and eventually decides to lift him out and carry him offstage. The KING faints. The PANTALONE characters try to empty his pockets of money. PRINCESS CLARICE, LEANDRO, and BRIGHELLA hurry onto the stage.
CLARICE: What’s going on? What’s all this noise? Some of us are trying to make evil plans (they all throw her a glance) . . . I mean sleep.
LEANDRO: What is the meaning of this?
The PANTALONE characters freeze in a compromising position.
OLD PANTALONE: Well . . . the Prince and his merry men have just gone off to find the oranges . . .
OLDER PANTALONE: . . . and the King has just fainted
OLDEST PANTALONE: . . . I’m fanning him, you know!
LEANDRO: Yes . . . . right.
KING: (recovering, then raving in a tragic manner.) Oh! My son is as good as dead! Evil has won! (Evil trio celebrates behind his back. When he turns to them on the next line, they feign sorrow.) I will end my days in weeping and loneliness. Alas. Alas.
OLD PANTALONE: Oh, my King. I will weep with you.
OLDER PANTALONE: We will shed our tears together into one handkerchief!
OLDEST PANTALONE: Then give that handkerchief to some poet to inspire him!
KING: Shut up, Pantalone.
PANTALONES: Yes, your Majesty.
The KING of HEARTS exits, followed by the PANTALONE characters, DOTTORES, GUARDS and RIDICULES. The evil trio applaud themselves and slap hands all around.
ALL: Hooray!
CLARICE: Hooray for Fata Morgana! (chord) The kingdom is as good as ours!
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LEANDRO: Now I will be King!
CLARICE: And I will be Queen!
LEANDRO: (overlap) And I will be King!
Evil laughing ensues.
BRIGHELLA: And I will be Prince! (They stop laughing and stare at BRIGHELLA. Then all erupt into evil laughter again)
Scene TwoThe spotlight comes up on the RIDICULE in the armchair.
RIDICULE: Having been banished to a large, ominous wilderness, following his success in the battle of snap, Tchelio, the good magician, was making circles on the ground to summon the wind god, Farfarello. For Tchelio had not only been watching from the sidelines he was also ensuring the Prince’s protection from his evil nemisis Fata Morgana. (chord, the RIDICULE looks all around in shock then returns to the book). More powerful than Fata Morgana (chord, the RIDICULE looks all around again) could ever have imagined. Tchelio was, in fact, guiding the entire tale along.
Lights come up to reveal TCHELIO using a staff to make circles on the ground.
TCHELIO: Farfarello! Farfarello! I order you here. Farfarello, god of wind! Come to me! Appear!
He waves the staff over the circle. There is the sound of threatening winds. FARFARELLO swings in on a rope, ala ‘Tarzan’.
FARFARELLO: Ahhhh, ahhhh, ahhhhh!
FARFARELLO swings back offstage unsuccessfully.
TCHELIO: (rolling his eyes and beginning his chant again) Farfarello! Farfarello! I order you here. Farfarello, god of wind! Come to me! Appear!
He waves the staff over the circle. There is the sound of threatening winds. FARFARELLO makes a second attempt to swing in on a rope, ala ‘Tarzan’.
FARFARELLO: Ahhhh, ahhhh, ahhhhh!
FARFARELLO again swings back offstage unsuccessfully.
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TCHELIO: (frustrated he chants again quickly) Farfarello! Farfarello! I order you here. Farfarello, god of wind! Come to me! Appear!
He waves the staff over the circle. There is the sound of threatening winds. FARFARELLO makes a third attempt to swing in on a rope, ala ‘Tarzan’.
FARFARELLO: Ahhhh, ahhhh, ahhhhh!
This time TCHELIO points his staff toward the rope, the rope severs and both the rope and FARGARELLO fall in a heap on the ground. FARFARELLO leaps to his feet trying to maintain a sense of dignity.
FARFARELLO: Ahem, yes, yes. (taking on an imposing tone of voice) Who calls me? Who orders me from the westerly plains and the southerly sea?
TCHELIO: It is I, Tchelio, sorcerer to the King and protector of the Prince.
FARFARELLO: Who? (sees him for the first time. Drops big voice.) O jeez! Are we in a play? Don’t tell me, you’re just a stage magician?
TCHELIO: I am a real magician. Stay! I order you!
FARFARELLO: (Suspiciously) Are you sure this isn’t a big act? That costume doesn’t look very authentic.
TCHELIO: (He shakes his staff and there is lighting and thunder) Enough of this impertinence! I sent the great clown, Truffaldino, and his band of travelling players, to the King of Heart’s court to help Prince Tartaglia to laugh and to cure him of his terminal hypochondria.
FARFARELLO: (impressed) Ooo! That’s nice. That was a good voice. (parroting his tone) ‘cure him of his terminal hypochidria’. (TCHELIO raises his staff as if too zap him) Okay, okay, what do you want?
TCHELIO: Tell me what has become of the Prince?
Points staff at FARFARELLO.
FARFARELLO: Oh, all right. Well, I can report that the Prince did laugh.
TCHELIO: Yeah!
FARFARELLO: . . . and made a full recovery
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TCHELIO: Yeah!
FARFARELLO: . . . but then your great enemy, Fata Morgana (chord) cursed the Prince to fall in love . . .
TCHELIO: Yeah!
FARFARELLO: . . . with three oranges!
TCHELIO: Yeah! I mean . . . rats!
FARFARELLO: They have set off on an impossible quest across the globe. For these oranges can only be found at in the castle of Creonta, the most evil witch in all the land! It will take them years to reach their destination.
TCHELIO: Arghh! Cursed woman! I order you, wind god, to speed them towards their destination!
FARFARELLO: Yes . . . about that . . . (looking towards his broken rope)
TCHELIO: Their path will be dangerous for there are horrors untold that guard that place. I order you to protect them! There is no time to waste! Hurry Hurry!
Lightning flashes and the stage goes into darkness.
Scene ThreeLights up on the RIDICULE in the armchair. The royal court. KING, PANTALONE, GUARDS and RIDICULES.
RIDICULE: Meanwhile, back at the castle, the King of Hearts had been making plans of his own. He had no intention of letting his son embark on this dangerous quest alone. He had called upon the protection of greatest, the bravest, the strongest and most good looking man in all the kingdom . . . Il Capitano!
There is an ear-piercing scream from offstage and CAPITANO runs legs and arms flailing onto the stage.
CAPITANO: Ahhhhhhh! A mouse! A mouse!
He stops, realizing the royal court are all staring and quickly attempts to regain his composure.
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CAPITANO: A mouse-ive dragon! Ah-ha! Ho-Ho! I have defeated you once again! Ahem. (turning toward the KING) It is I: Il Capitano. The greatest, the bravest, the strongest and most good looking man in all the kingdom!
KING: Yes, yes. Thank you for coming Capitano. I suppose you have heard the news, my poor son . . .
PANTALONES: . . . the poor son!
KING: . . . my sole heir!
PANTALONES: . . . the sole heir!
KING: . . . Prince Tartaglia has gone off on an impossible quest in search of three oranges! I order you to bring him home!
The HEART offers him a plate of food.
CAPITANO: Go away you disturbing little troll man. You dampen my magnificent ardour.
HEART: Nuts, sir.
CAPITANO: Yes, I’m sure you are.
HEART: No, sir, in the bowl, nuts.
CAPITANO: Oh! Oh! Nibblies! Yum! Now where was I, ah yes, I am: Il Capitano. The greatest, the bravest, the strongest and most good looking man in all the kingdom! I break hearts as easily as I break the shell of this nut! (struggles to crack it with his fingers. Failing he picks up a nutcracker and tries again to no avail. He throws the nut on the ground and begins to jump up and down on it, but it remains intact.) Stupid nut – die already! Die Die! (he attempts to pick up a big piece of furniture and then finally drags it over and pushes it over the nut.) Take that you hard shelled beast!
KING: So . . . Capitano! You will return here with my son?
CAPITANO pulls his sword up high in the air.
CAPITANO: Your Majesty. Consider it done!
He rushes offstage. There is suddenly a loud clanging and crashing from offstage. The KING, PANTALONE characters and GUARDS turn to stare.
CAPITANO: (offstage) I’m all right! I’m all right!
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Scene FourThe Lights come up to reveal the PRINCE and the ZANNIS riding full steam ahead toward their destination. Impossible terrain and locations are projected on the cyclorama behind them. Several RIDICULE characters stand at microphones visible to the audience at either side of the stage ‘voicing’ the action. Finally FARFARELLO enters, exhausted, holding a pair of bellows and begins cranking them until the PRINCE and ZANNIS are quickly blown offstage.
Scene FiveThe PRINCE and the ZANNIS are blown out onto the stage. FARFARELLO enters and stops pumping the bellows, with this they immediately stop moving and come to rest.
BELTRAME: Oh! I’m glad that stopped!
ARLECCHINO: What a trip we’ve had!
The ZANNIS fall to the floor exhausted.
PRINCE: What time we’ve made! I can almost smell those wonderful oranges. Ooh! Look! A castle!
TRUFFALDINO: Oh great.
BELTRAME: Photo op!
The ZANNIS leap up for the photo and then slump back down into their exhausted positions.
HARLEQUIN: Let’s see if they can put us up for the night!
PULCINELLA: I’m tired and hungry!
MEZZITINO: Perhaps they have something for us to eat . . .
PRINCE: How can you be concerned with food now when we have still not found those oranges, for I love them!
FARFARELLO expands his bellows and the PRINCE and ZANNIS and suddenly blown back towards him.
FARFARELLO: Stop, hasty Prince. For there in the distance lies the castle of Creonta, who holds the oranges you so desire. It is fraught with danger!
PRINCE: Then we must storm the castle at once! I must rescue those three beautiful juicy oranges!
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FARFARELLO: (scary intimidating music begins) There are horrors untold that guard the oranges. There is an ancient iron gate rusted by time . . .
ALL: Shock!
FARFARELLO: . . . a mean hungry dog . . .
ALL: Horror!
FARFARELLO: . . . an old evil rope –wet, damp and bewitched . . .
ALL: Gasp!
FARFARELLO: . . . and an ugly old hag of a cook who must work day in and day out with little time for rest.
TRUFFALDINO screams and runs behind a tree.
PRINCE: (music switches to triumphant) Wind god! You are full of hot air! Love has no fear. (music swells and then stops)
FARFARELLO: Then my tangerine loving Prince I will help you. Here are some powerful tools that should help you. (gives him a
sack) If you should survive these unspeakable horrors and get to the three oranges, take them and leave the castle at once. But do not open the oranges unless you are near water. If you can do all this I will send my winds again and blow you home.
PRINCE: Thank you, good sir.
FARFARELLO turns the bellows toward himself and blows himself back offstage.
PRINCE: Come! Let us go at once. (TRUFFALDINO is terrified and is not moving an inch) Good heavens, man! We are heroes! And heroes must be brave no matter what the odds. Thinkof all the damsels in distress!
TRUFFALDINO: (terrified) Oh, I’m all about rescuing damsels. I’m just not that willing to risk my life for a few pieces of citrus is all. (Sits on a log)
PRINCE: (Sits next to him. Earnest.) Truff. I need you. You are the only real friend I’ve ever had.
The PRINCE puts his hand on TRUFFALDINOS leg. TRUFFALDINO looks at him. Music plays. An uncomfortable moment. They jump up and go to opposite sides of the stage.
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TRUFFALDINO: Why don’t I just stay and watch your back? You go on ahead . . . (The PRINCE has already started off. TRUFFALDINO sighs and begins to walk begrudgingly off.) Right. Following.
Scene Six PRINCE TARTAGLIAS bedchamber. CAPITANO lies asleep on the bed.
RIDICULE: Meanwhile back at the castle Il Capitano: The greatest, the bravest, the strongest and most good looking man in all the kingdom was preparing for his own quest.
The DOTTORES enter.
BALANZONE: (approaching) Captain? Captain!
CAPITANO leaps up.
CAPITANO: What is it, stinky little man, I am trying to sleep.
BALANZONE: Aren’t you supposed to be off searching for Prince Tartaglia and bringing him home?
CAPITANO: Why, er, yes. I was just on my way to chase him down when you came in. I shall bring him back, fighting off every enemy with a strike of my sword. (Raises sword and falls over with its weight) My muscles tense, and burn with energy at the very thought. (Tries to lift his sword back up again) Any scoundrel that stands in my way shall be destroyed by my blade!
BOLOARDO: Very good.
CAPITANO: Destroyed, do you hear?
GRAZIANO: Yes, I hear you.
CAPITANO: And then I’ll see to it that they are burned at the stake!
SKARPAZON: Certainly.
CAPITANO: Destroyed!
FORBIZONE: Shouldn’t you be heading off then?
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CAPITANO: How you sicken me. I may be fearsome and fierce, but I respect the etiquette of battle! When the opponents are so clearly at a disadvantage due to the skill and strength I possess, it is customary to let them get a little head start in running.
AGNAN: Is it? I had never heard that rule.
CAPITANO: (0verly defensive) Well it exists! Really!
FORBIZONE: Well then, tally ho! They’ve got an excellent start now.
BOLOARDO: You can still catch them.
CAPITANO: Indeed I can! Did you doubt it?
DOTTORES: Hurry!
CAPITANO: (Defeated reluctantly) Fine. I am going! I will return! I will defeat the traitors! Destroy them! Off to victory! Victory!
He exist then immediately re-enters.
CAPITANO: Actually I am in a generous mood today, and so I will do you a great favour! I am going to grant you a chance for great fame and fortune almost equal to that which I have earned! You may take my very own sword, and I’ll bestow you the great honour of going after the Prince in my place! I wouldn’t do that for just anybody, you know, but I feel you have earned it!
GRAZIANO takes his sword and aims it at CAPITANO.
GRAZIANO: I believe the correct term is get going!
CAPITANO: Put your sword away, for I would like to settle this in the old fashioned way – let’s have a drink on it!
They chase him offstage.
Scene SevenFATA MORGANAS castle. Lights come up on the RIDICULE in the armchair.
RIDICULE: (turning the page) Meanwhile, in the castle of Fata Morgana (chord) her evil henchwoman Smeraldina and trusty servant Brighella had been called upon to bring her news of the Prince’s fate.
Lights come up on BRIGHELLA and SMERALDINA.
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BRIGHELLA: You’ve been quiet.
SMERELDINA: I had no lines!
BRIGHELLA: For an entire act and then some?
SMERELDINA: Listen, buddy. Quiet or not, I’m a million times the henchman that you are. I am the most evil damn lackey that ever was. All that silence? (taps her head) Evil plotting!
BRIGHELLA: Oh yeah! Well I’m so evil I clap offbeat at concerts!
SMERELDINA: Really? I’m so evil I illegally download music!
BRIGHELLA: I’m so evil I close doors on desperate people running for elevators!
SMERELDINA: Well, I’m so evil I can believe its not butter!
BRIGHELLA: Sweet Satan you are evil!
SMERELDINA: Punish me!
They throw everything off a nearby table and jump on it, beginning to kiss when FATA MORGANA arrives. BRIGHELLA shrieks upon seeing her, falls off the table, tries to hide under it, climbs all the way through to the other side. Sees FATA MORGANA and shrieks again and then jumps onto the table and sits next to SMERELDINA and tries to play it cool. FATA MORGANA is disgusted. BRIGHELLA begins whistling.
FATA MORGANA: So?
BRIGHELLA: So?
FATA MORGANA: So what has been happening?
BRIGHELLA and SMERELDINA look lost for words then finally BRIGHELLA takes a brave step forward towards FATA MORGANA.
BRIGHELLA: Sometimes an everyday moment can turn romantic.
FATA MORGANA: I mean what has been happening with the Prince you imbecile!
BRIGHELLA: Oh. Oh. Right.
SMERELDINA: Yes . . so . . . I think they’re probably dead.
FATA MORGANA: Dead?
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SMERELDINA: Yeah, Dead. Definitely dead.
BRIGHELLA: Well, your evilness, I hear otherwise. (giving SMERELDINA a pointed look) The King has enlisted the help of Il Capitano. The greatest, the bravest, the strongest and most good looking man in all the kingdom!
FATA MORGANA: What! Ahh, that infernal Tchelio! I bet he’s behind all this! We must beat him at his own game! (To SMERELDINA) You follow me! (To BRIGHELLA) And you get back to the castle! If Creonta doesn’t kill them then we must! (the sidekicks shoving each other aside to try and be the leader exit. FATA MORGANA stops to throw a final line at the audience) He’ll rue the day he messed with Fata Morgana! (Chord. Exit.)
Scene EightA courtyard in the witch CREONTAS castle. A white frame to one side.
RIDICULE: (turning the page) All too soon, our heroes reached the courtyard of the evil witch, Creonta’s, castle. Armed with magical protections given to them by Farfarello, god of the wind. They felt ready to face all the horrors ahead!
CREONTA crosses to the RIDICULE snatches the book and whacks the RIDICULE on the head. The RIDICULE runs off and CREONTA takes his place in the chair and begins reading. The PRINCE and the ZANNI characters enter bumping into one another and shushing each other as they attempt to pass quietly behind CREONTA.
ZANNIS: Shhhhhhh!
TRUFFALDINO: I don’t like it here!
PULCINELLA: Yeah, let’s pluck these oranges and get the heck out of here!
BELTRAME: I’m almost out of juice!
HARLEQUIN: If that witch Creonta finds us she’ll beat us to a pulp!
ARLECCHINO: I hope we haven’t been pipped at the post!
MEZZITINO: Yeah cause those oranges are so a-peeling!
TRUFFULDINO: Will you lot shut it!
The ZANNIS clam up.
CREONTA: Who’s there?
ZANNIS: Gulp!
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PRINCE: (Coming bravely forward It is I Prince . .
The ZANNIS cover his mouth and attempt to hide themselves.
CREONTA: Who dares to enter the castle of Creonta?
The ZANNIS point at each other accusingly.
CREONTA: Speak!
The ZANNIS cover their mouths.
CREONTA: Come out from the shadows!
She gets up from the chair and looks about. The ZANNIS attempt side stepping inconspicuously offstage.
CREONTA: No? Then if you will not come out from the shadows then join them!
She waves her arms over the book and a light shines down on the PRINCE and the ZANNIS.
ALL: Noooooo!
Blackout. Evil laughter. The Lights then come up to reveal the following action as shadow puppetry within the frame.
BELTRAME: Where are we?
HARLEQUIN: Ahhh! That witch Creonta has cast us into the pages of her story book!
TRUFFALDINO: The old tale within a tale device!
ALL: Ahhhhhhhh!
CREONTA: There is no escape my little friends! For no one has ever escaped the pages of my book! Ah-ha-ha!
ALL: Ahhhhhhhh!
PRINCE: Quick, open the bag!
They begin putting oil on the gate and the gate swings slowly open so they can enter. Immediately the dog starts barking and attacks them, but they throw it a bone which he happily eats and lets them pass. They then uncoil the rope and hang it up to dry. The COOK enters who threatens to eat them for supper. But they give her a variety of extraordinary cleaning appliances and allows them to pass.
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They soon stand before three enormous oranges and placing them in a bag they flee.
CREONTA: Stop, thief! Those oranges are mine! Where is that cook? You miserable gate! You stupid dog you. And you, you, you . . . rope! My three lovely oranges! Oh . . Oh . . .
The screen goes black.
CREONTA: No! No! The spell is broken! Oh, God! God! God, how could you have allowed this? How could you let this happen to me? I bet you don’t even exist.
Dancing about in a ridiculous fashion.
CREONTA: OO! Look at me! Dancing on the edge of the smite zone! If you do exist, God, I dare you to strike me dead right here, right now!
A thunderbolt. She is struck dead.
Act ThreeScene OneThe forest. SMERELDINA waits alone on a log.
SMERELDINA: Well, where is she? I’ve been waiting over an hour now. (takes out a phone and checks. Reads in monotone.) “Smereldina, meet me by the big log so that I can tell you your pivotal role in my brilliant evil plan.” Pivotal role! Ha! People think it’s easy being a servant to a witch. They only see the glamour, the honour, but they don’t know the half of it. They don’t see all the . . .
FATA MORGANA enters.
SMERELDINA: (bowing low) Welcome, your evilness!
FATA MORGANA: Creonta has failed us. Luckily I inherited this book from her. (Holding up the story book) Now I shall take care of that meddling wizard once and for all.
SMERELDINA: (under her breath) Some sinister villainess you are.
FATA MORGANA: They will be here soon. Here are two pins. When the princess . . .
SMERELDINA: Wait a second. Did I miss something? What princess? There is no princess in this story!
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FATA MORGANA: Do you honestly believe we would have a story with a wizard and princes and kings and witches but no princess? No wonder you’ve always sat on the sidelines. (SMERELDINA fumes) When the princess, and there will be one, is left alone, you will put this pin in her hair.
SMERELDINA: What? That’s my pivotal role? I get to play hairdresser to some character who only waltzes in on Act Three?
FATA MORGANA: Fool! It will make her transform into a dove!
SMERELDINA: I’ll believe it when I see it.
FATA MORGANA: (music) Once she has transformed, you will then sit in her place. (little more music) Prince Tartaglia will be forced to marry you and make you his queen. (still more music) Then, once you are queen, put this other pin in his head and he, too, will become a beast. (even more music) Then you will leave the castle and let Princess Clarice and Leandro rule the kingdom. (small concluding flourish) Understand?
SMERALDINA: Wait a minute. So let me get this straight. I get rid of the real princess, (music) marry the Prince, (little more music) become queen (still more music) and then just leave and go back to being a lackey! How is that fair? Why can’t I just stay the Queen?
FATA MORGANA: I have a whole bag of these, Smereldina! (shows a bag of bobby pins. Biggest most exaggerated dramatic music of all.)
SMERELDINA: But . . .
FATA MORGANA: Sh . . . Sh . . . I hear somebody. Come with me.
The BASEL characters enter with a sign that says ‘To the lake”.
The ZANNIS enter exhausted pulling the three oranges.
TRUFFALDINO: (out of breath) I miss that guy with the fans!
BELTRAME: These oranges were a heck of a lot lighter when they were drawn.
PULCINELLA: What the Prince is going to do with these three huge oranges now that we’ve ‘rescued’ them is beyond me.
MEZZITINO: Ooh! Look! A lake!
TRUFFALDINO: Oh great.
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BELTRAME: Photo op!
The ZANNIS leap up for the photo and then slump back down into their exhausted positions.
PULCINELLA: Now I remember how tired I am!
MEZZITINO: And thirsty!
HARLEQUIN: Oh, how I wish I had something to eat.
TRUFFALDINO: Just something small like a donut . . .
ARLECCHINO: . . . a muffin . . .
BELTRAME: . . . a piece of fruit . . .
They all turn towards the oranges.
HARLEQUIN: (Just as the ZANNIS are about to begin eating) Wait! No. No, we mustn’t.
They all back away from the oranges.
HARLEQUIN: Then again, he does have three of them.
MEZZITINO: What does he need with three of them?
PULCINELLA: Maybe if we just eat one.
ARLECCHINO: He may not even remember how many we had to begin with.
MEZZITINO: Two is a nice even number.
MEZZITINO cuts open one of the oranges. Out of it comes a NICOLETTA.
NICOLETTA: The sun! It has been so long since I have seen its gentle rays. Oh they are so bright and hot! They are too hot!
She begins tottering about the stage.
NICOLETTA: Oh, I’m so thirsty! Please give me some water! I am so parched! Please, or I’ll die of thirst. Oh, I’m so thirsty. Quick, don’t be so cruel.
She begins to swoon.
NICOLETTA: Oh, help me . . . help me . . . (She collapses and is dying.)
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ZANNIS: (Running about in a mad panic) Ahhhhhhh!
MEZZITINO: Oh! Oh! Where can we find some water? Where could there possibly be water around here?
He doesn’t notice the BASEL characters with the signs. One begins to subtly point it out.
NICOLETTA: Help me, please . . . help me . . .
TRUFFALDINO: Hold on! I’ll cut another orange and get you some of the orange juice to drink.
He cuts open another orange, out of which comes LINETTA. They panic again.
ZANNIS: Ahhhhhhhhh!
LINETTA: I’m finally free! I’ve been trapped for so long. All those years waiting and finally we have been rescued.
She stops thoughtfully, to the audience..
LINETTA: I would like a drink, though.
Returns to tottering.
LINETTA: Oh the cruel sun! Oh, I’m dying of thirst. Please, please, give me something to drink. I’m dying of thirst. Oh, please help me!
She begins to swoon.
LINETTA: Cruel man, help me . . . help me . . .
ARLECCHINO: Oh! Oh! What can we do?
BELTRAME: If only I had some indication or sign where I could find water! Where is there water?
HARLEQUIN: Oh! Oh! What can we do? What can we do? Where can I find some water? Where?
NICOLETTA: Oh, what a fate.
LINETTA: I’m dying of thirst!
NICOLETTA: I’m dying . . .
LINETTA: I’m dying . . .
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NICOLETTA: You cruel man. Help me . . . help me . . . (She dies.)
LINETTA: Oh, oh! Help me . . . help me . . . (She dies.)
MEZZITINO: Oh! Oh! Maybe if we open the third orange we could use the juice from that to save these two?
As he is about to cut open the third orange, PRINCE TARTAGLIA enters quickly and sees what happened.
PRINCE: (Sees the oranges) Stop! Stop! What are you doing? The wind god said that we’ve got to be near water before we open them. Stop!
The ZANNIS run off. The PRINCE begins a dramatic mourning for the girls. Music becomes highly dramatic. The BASEL characters hang their heads in sadness.
PRINCE: You fools! What’s this? Oh no! These poor young girls. Dead? Dead? They were but in the spring of their life and now that life has been plucked off them as feathers off a roasted chicken. Alas! How short is our time upon this earth! (The PRINCE suddenly calls off stage.) Hey! Hey, you! (The RIDICULES enter.) Yeah, just get rid of these two won’t you?
RIDICULE: Sure thing, boss. Our pleasure.
RIDICULE: What a shame! These poor girls. (starts to pick them up)
PRINCE: Thank you for all your help. Can I give you something for your trouble? (takes out his coin pouch)
RIDICULE: Oh, sir we could not possibly take your money.
RIDICULE: But we could use a new coin pouch.
PRINCE: But if I give you my coin pouch, what will I keep my coins in?
RIDICULE: Well, then we are very glad that we can help you in that area too, sir. We will take those too. (Takes coin purse. The PRINCE is very thankful.)
RIDICULE: You’re a real Prince.
RIDICULE: Don’t worry, we’ll give these girls a decent burial.
The RIDICULES drag the two girls unceremoniously offstage. It is only after they leave that the PRINCE realizes he has been swindled.
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PRINCE: Hey! Wait! (they are gone) And now I only have one orange left. How big and beautiful the orange is! How lovely and tender is its skin. How delicious! I must cut it open and just take a tiny peek at what it holds.
The BASEL characters run up as if to stop him but do not make it in time. The PRINCE takes out his sword and opens the last one. Out pops NINETTA.
NINETTA: Who took me out of my orange? Oh! The cruel sun! I am so parched! Help me! Help me! Please! Please! I’m dying of thirst. Bring me some water! (She collapses.)
PRINCE: Water? (to the audience) I apparently have no short-term memory. (back in character) Where can I possibly find water around here? (he begins to panic idiotically as the ZANNIS did but is stopped as the one of the BASEL characters smacks him with the sign and points to it) Ah thank you my good man!
The PRINCE runs offstage then returns with one of his iron shoes filled with water.She drinks the water, her face buried in the shoe. She slowly lowers the shoe after her drink and he really sees her for the first time. It is instant love.
NINETTA: Oh, thank you, most heroic sir. You have saved my life.
There is an uncomfortable silence.
PRINCE: . . . Well, ahem, what’s a nice girl like you doing in an orange like this?
NINETTA: Well, I wasn’t always in an orange. I am actually a Princess! Ninetta, daughter of Concul, King of Antipodes. My two sisters and I were turned into oranges by the wicked witch Creonta. Oh my dearest sisters! How I love them! I do hope they are happy and well. Have you seen them, fair sir?
PRINCE: (guiltily) Uh . . no. I just got here myself. I’m sure they are fine. Oh, but Princess Ninetta! I am Prince Tartaglia and . . . I love you! Come to my court and become my wife – my Queen!
NINETTA: Well, isn’t this a bit sudden. I mean we only just met three seconds ago! Well . . . you are fairly handsome, and it’s so nice to be a princess again instead of an orange. Oh, OK sure! (He dips her over and they kiss. While mid-kiss NINETTA turns to the audience and says) Oh, give me a break. You spend a few years in an orange and see how picky you are! (returns to the kiss.)
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PRINCE: Come Princess Ninetta and meet my father the King and we shall live happily ever after!
NINETTA: Oh, but this dress is covered in pulp.
PRINCE: My precious, my father will love you no matter how you are dressed, but if you insist, wait here my love while I have the whole court bring you some fine clothes.
NINETTA: My love! My dear water boy! I will wait for you.
PRINCE: (steals many pecks throughout this exchange) Yes, yes, my future Queen. Wait for me here.
NINETTA: I promise to stay right here.
PRINCE: And I promise to hurry back and marry you.
FARFARELLO enters.
FARFARELLO: So you have defeated the evil witch Creonta and I have returned as promised to speed you on your way home!
PRINCE: It will be a round trip my windy little fellow!
FARFARELLO blows himself and the PRINCE offstage.
SMERELDINA enters. NINETTA looks at her. There is an uncomfortable silence.
SMERALDINA: . . . Well, ahem, what’s a nice girl like you doing in an orange like this?
NINETTA: Well, I wasn’t always in an orange. I am actually a Princess! Ninetta, daughter of . . .
SMERELDINA: Yeah. Yeah. So-you seem to be having a bad hair day, you have a curl out of place.
NINETTA: I have? Where? Where? I’ve been in a very awkward position in an orange for a long time.
SMERALDINA: You don’t say?
NINETTA: Yes, it was rather a large orange and it mussed my hair.
SMERALDINA: Here, let me fix it for you.
She places the pin in her hair. NINETTA turns into a dove and flies off. This is done through the use of a puppet.
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SMERELDINA: Come back here you fowl wench!
FATA MORGANA: (Enters) Forget about it, Smereldina. I am running this story now. In fact, I am tired of waiting. What do you say Prince Tartaglia comes back right now. (she assumes the RIDICULES position in the arm chair.)
SMERELDINA takes NINETTAS position. Sounds of a royal march are heard offstage. The KING OF HEARTS enters, with PRINCE TARTAGLIA, LEANDRO, PRINCESS CLARICE, the DOTTORES, PANTALONE characters, and the court.
FATA MORGANA: (Narrating.) The Prince returned with his father and all the court to meet his bride. (gleeful pause) And then he walked into a tree. (he does so) Twice. (he does so again. She laughs with great amusement. The PRINCE recovers himself and begins.)
PRINCE: Here is the spot, father. Here is the princess that I love and want to make my queen. (he looks at her for the first time) GAH! Who in the name of Gozzi are you?
SMERELDINA: I am Princess Ninetta, the girl you promised to marry.
PRINCE: You so are not! Your . . . your . . . your . . . hideous!
SMERELDINA: That’s not what you said last night! (The crowd reacts with shock) I never should have trusted you! (to the King) He told me he loved me and he promised he would marry me. . . (she degenerates into exaggerated sobs. Everyone turns accusingly to the PRINCE)
KING: My son, a royal promise is a royal promise.
PRINCE: Ew!
SMERELDINA weeps louder. She gives CLARICE and LEANDRO a thumbs up.
KING: You will marry this princess. I order you to do so!
OLD PANTALONE: But your majesty . . .
KING: No son of mine will go back on his promise. Let us all go back to the palace. The wedding shall be tonight!
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Scene TwoThe KING of HEARTS court. CAPITANO is hiding underneath a table.
CAPITANO: Ooh! Ah-ha! They’ll never find me here! What a wild goose chase! Boo-hoo-hoo! And my goose will soon be cooked! I plan to cry myself to death. (To the audience) Don’t try and stop me! Boo-hoo-hoo.
FATA MORGANA: (enjoying herself immensely) And so it was that the Prince was forced to marry the woman he found in the forest. That night she put a magic bobby pin in his hair and he turned into a pig whose feet they used for jelly. And the King, at seeing his limping leg-less pig of a son, gouged out his eyes with a broach. So they lived the rest of their days miserably for ever . . .
TCHELIO: (bursting forward with triumphant music) Not likely!
FATA MORGANA: What? Where did you come from? How did you get here?
TCHELIO: I escaped . . . (holding up the wind gods bellows) somehow.
FATA MORGANA: That is impossible! This makes no sense.
TCHELIO: It doesn’t have to.
FATA MORGANA: Fool! Do you know who you are dealing with? I am Fata Morgana. (instead of the usual note, out comes a loud “moo”) What was that?
TCHELIO: I think it was a cow.
FATA MORGANA: Shut up you fool!
TCHELIO: Give it up Morgana!
FATA MORGANA: Never! I challenge you to a duel to the death!
TCHELIO: (smiles calmly) Bring it on.
They begin to duel. The DOVE flies on and begins pecking around at CAPITANO.
CAPITANO: Shoo! Shoo! Get away!
FATA MORGANA is about to defeat TCHELIO when CAPITANO attempting to flee from his hiding place trips over his sword and lands on FATA MORGANA capturing her and at the same time pulling the pin from the DOVES head.
NINETTA: Oh, thank you so much!
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The KING and PRINCE enter. PRINCE TARTAGLIA recognizes NINETTA instantly, and rushes to her.
PRINCE: Princess Ninetta! My Ninetta! (They embrace.)
KING: What is going on here? What is the meaning of this? Who is this girl?
NINETTA: I, your highness, am Princess Ninetta. I was an orange earlier today and then Smeraldina turned me into a dove, until this brave, great, strong and good looking man saved me.
CAPITANO: (Leaping up and taking all the credit) Mwa-ha-ha!
NINETTA and the PRINCE embrace. The KING stands in amazement as SMERALDINA enters.
SMERALDINA: Where’s my royal feast? I’m hungry!
LEANDRO, CLARICE, and the rest of the court follow her in.
CLARICE: The service around here is so bad! When I’m Queen . . . . I mean, if I ever run this kingdom I will be sure to have faster chefs.
They see the chaos before them and begin to step backwards.
TCHELIO: (while TCHELIO speaks the villains begin to sneak out until he points them out and they freeze guiltily.) Your Majesty these are agents of the evil Fata Morgana!
SMERELDINA/ LEANDRO/CLARICE/BRIGHELLA: Oh, no! We are not! etc.
KING: Well, random wizard who looks suspiciously like my former advisor, though you present no real proof to back up your claims, that entrance was pretty impressive, so I’m going to just take what you say on faith. I order Smeraldina, Leandro, Princess Clarice, and Brighella to all be banished from my court immediately and sent into exile.
The palace GUARDS surround them and march them out.
LEANDRO: You cannot get rid of me that easy! I will be King I will!
CLARICE: And I will be Queen . . .
LEANDRO: And I will be King . . .
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BRIGHELLA: And I will be Prince . . .
The GUARDS drag them offstage.
KING: And now, let us have a real wedding at last.
PRINCE TARTAGLIA and PRINCESS NINETTA kiss passionately general merriment and assorted hurrahs on stage. Everyone begins to dance and celebrate.
PRINCE: Mmmm. Citrus!
RIDICULE: (Resuming his position in the armchair) And so the King Tartaglia and Queen Ninetta married and it rained oranges and bananas and everyone lived happily ever in laughter.
