November 21, 2018 Volume 13, Issue 5 Amusing Stories • Jokes • Puzzles • Trivia Community Events and Coupons Distribution on the 1st & 3rd Wednesday of each month For Advertising: Michelle Brokop (815)751-1286 Email: [email protected]FREE TAKE ONE If you are age 7 - 107. . . Enjoy Your FREE Copy Of The Orange Peel Gazette O O RANGE RANGE P P EEL EEL G G AZETTE AZETTE A larger selection than anywhere else at prices you have to see to believe! RICHWRAP 401 E North St., Elburn (2 Blocks East of Route 47) Thurs, Nov 29 9am - 6pm Fri, Nov 30 9am - 2pm Sat, Dec 1 9am - Noon (630) 365-6220 www.RichWrap.com Gift Wrap Warehouse Sale Thousands of rolls of paper and foil. Gift wrap in hundreds of patterns. Bows ● Ribbon ● Gift Tags ● Bags ● Tissue ● Tape Gift Wrap Warehouse Sale Cash or Checks; No Credit Cards Download your FREE copy today at: www.OrangePeelGazetteKaneCo.com FREE TAKE ONE Multiple Vendors Featuring ORIGINALS - RETRO COLLECTABLES Visit us at: 2 E. Railroad St. • Sandwich, IL HOURS Mon - Sat 10am - 5pm Sunday 11am - 4pm (815)570-2073 20% OFF any 1 item Regular priced item. No additional discounts apply. Expires 12/31/18 Minimum purchase of $25.00 before tax. $5 Off Must present coupon at time of purchase. Not valid on Stonewall Kitchen products, already clearanced items or with any other offers. Expires 12/31/18 New, Vintage & Consignment Home Decor at Affordable Prices it’s a Wonderful life Downtown Oswego 67 S Main Street • Oswego 630-636-7441 Now carrying STONEWALL KITCHEN specialty food products · Kitchenette with full-size refrigerator, Microwave and coffee machine in each room! · Free Parking · Free Internet/WiFi · Free Cable TV 201 Smoke Tree Lane N. Aurora, IL • (I-88 Exit IL-31) (331)205-1700 We e k ly & C o n t r a c to r R a t e s a v a il a b l e Reserve TODAY KANE & KENDALL COUNTIES A Piece of Pumpkin Pie? Jolene was only 8 years old and lived in the country with her parents and brother. Consequently they did not often have visitors from the city. One day Jolene's mother said that her father was bringing two guests home for Thanksgiving supper. After they had enjoyed a wonderful turkey dinner, Jolene went to the kitchen to help her mother with dessert, and proudly brought in the first piece of pumpkin pie and gave it to her father. He then passed the plate to a guest. When Jolene came in with the second piece and gave it to her father, he again gave it to a guest. This was too much for Little Jolene, who blurted out, 'It's no use, Daddy. The pieces are all the same size.' OPG 11-21-18_Layout 1 11/20/2018 10:48 AM Page 1
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A Piece of Pumpkin Pie?Jolene was only 8 years old
and lived in the country with her parents and brother.
Consequently they did not often have visitors from the city. One day Jolene's mother said that her father was bringing two guests home for Thanksgiving supper.
After they had enjoyed a wonderful turkey dinner,Jolene went to the kitchen to help her mother withdessert, and proudly brought in the first piece of pumpkin pie and gave it to her father. He then passedthe plate to a guest. When Jolene came in with the
second piece and gave it to her father, he again gave it to a guest. This was too much for Little Jolene, who blurted out, 'It's no use, Daddy. The pieces are all the same size.'
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Mealtime Blessing My four-year-old likes to say the blessing at
mealtimes, usually repeating the same short prayer:"Thank you, God, for this gracious food. Amen."
One evening, however, he thanked the Lord for thebirds, the trees, each of his friends, and asked God towatch over his family and help them to be good. I wasthrilled that he was finally praying from the heart.
But after the "Amen," he took a spoonful of stew,gasped, then dropped his spoon into the bowl. "Ishould have said a longer prayer," he said. "My foodis still too hot."
How Old?The man leaned down to the four year-old girl and
said, "You sure are cute. How old are you?"The little girl held up four fingers.The man repeated his question, and again the girl
held up four fingers."How many is that?" asked the man. "Can't you
talk?""Why? Can't you count?" replied the little girl.
Redneck Rules of Etiquette#1 - It is improper to take a beer cooler to church
unless there is going to be dinner on the grounds.
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ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESGREAT RATES - GREAT RESULTS - CALL TODAY! (815)751-1286 • PAGE 3
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New York Thanksgiving TraditionIn New York City there are lots of engaging
Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of NewYorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in
front of a subway train. - David Letterman
The GiftKnowing that the pastor was very fond of cherry
brandy, a church elder with a sense of humor offered to present him with a bottle on one condition - that thepastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the churchbulletin.
"Gladly," responded the good man, who always enjoyed a challenge.
When the church bulletin was passed out the nextSunday, the elder turned at once to "In Appreciation"column on the back page, where he read, "The pastorextends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit -- and for the spirit in which it was given."
Redneck Rules of Etiquette#2 - Be sure that any taxidermy used as a centerpiece
is free of ticks and fleas.
Ulterior Motive? My dry cleaner very generously provides a stack of
free newspapers for his customers. As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business
grows enough to offset the cost of the papers." Oh, don't worry about us," he chuckled. "Nothing
dirties clothes more than newsprint."
Wrong Number I still have a lot of trouble with wrong numbers.
Yesterday I dialed the Red Cross and got the InternalRevenue Service in error.
So the I.R.S. operator asked me what number I haddialed. I said, "The Red Cross, you know, where theytake the blood."
She said, "Well, you aren't too far off, are you?"
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Airline Reservation An airline reservation agent took a call from a man
who wanted to book a flight for two but wasn't happywith the price of $59 per ticket.
"I want the $49 fare I saw advertised," he insisted,saying he would accept a flight at any time.
The agent managed to find two seats on a 6 a.m.flight.
"I'll take it," he said, then worried his wife mightnot like the early hour.
The agent warned there was a fee of $25 per personif he changed the reservation.
"Oh, that's no problem," he said dismissively."What's fifty bucks?"
High Priced Lawyer“You’re a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, willyou answer, two questions for me?”
“Absolutely! What’s the second question?”
Accident Report Because I was processing my first accident report at
the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive.
The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached thesection of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"
The driver had put, "Full gallop."
Redneck Rules of Etiquette#3 - Overnight guests should never have to share a bedwith more than one dog, unless it is a cold night.
A QuickieTwo antennas meet on a roof, fall in
love and get married. The ceremonywasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Medical Research A Stanford Medical research group
advertised for participants in a study ofobsessive-compulsive disorder. Theywere looking for therapy clients whohad been diagnosed with this disorder.The response was gratifying; they got300 responses the day after the adcame out. All from the same person.
VEGETABLESare a must on any diet.
I suggest carrot cake, zucchinibread and pumpkin pie.
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The New TeacherA new teacher was trying to make
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Little Johnny replied, “No ma’am,but I hate to see you standing there allby yourself.”
The Wisdom of Children • Never let your three-year-old
brother in the same room as your school science project.
• If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Mother/Daughter Banquet At our Mother/Daughter banquet, the pastor's wife
asked for the daughters to come forward to share whattheir mothers had taught them.
She chose my 14-year-old daughter first. As I satthere reviewing all the wonderful things I had taughther, she said to the crowd, "My mom taught me to lovemy body now, because I'm going to hate it when I'm40."
Small Town Emergency The small town's sheriff was also its veterinarian.
One night the phone rang and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband
there?" "Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a
vet?" "Both. We can't get our dog's mouth open, and
there's a burglar in it."
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For the mess to clean after a partyBecause it means I have been surrounded by friends.
For the clothes that fit a little too snugBecause it means I have enough to eat.
For all the complaining I hear about the government
Because it means we have freedom of speech.
For the parking spotI find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking, and I have been blessed with transportation.
For my huge heating billBecause it means I am warm.
For the lady behind me in churchWho sings off key because it means I can hear.
For weariness & aching muscles at day’s endBecause it means I have been capable of working.
I am Thankful for so many things. . .
OPG 11-21-18_Layout 1 11/20/2018 10:48 AM Page 7
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TELL OUR ADVERTISERS, “I SAW YOU IN THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE.”
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GratitudeThe week before Thanksgiving, Mrs. Smith asked her class of
8 year-olds to write a paragraph entitled: 'What I am most thankfulfor this year.’
All Joey’s paper said was, “I am thankful that I'm not aturkey this Thanksgiving!”
FootballA guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, heasked her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants andall the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they werekilling each other over 25 cents.'
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Free AdviceA rancher asked his veterinarian for some free
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The Vet replied, “The next time he walks normally, sell him.”
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The “I never KnewThat” Quiz #13
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$611,000 Question...Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. Thiscustom has become what modern military practice?A) salute B) roll call C) goose step D) marching in place $612,000 Question...Babies are born without these. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age?A) knee caps B) toenailsC) lips D) ear drums$613,000 Question...Baby robins eat this many earthworms every day?A) 6 feet B) 10 feetC) 14 feet D) 24 feet$614,000 Question...Infamous bank robber John Dillinger played this sportprofessionally?A) football B) baseballC) golf D) basketball$615,000 Question...Bats always do this when exiting a cave?A) cry out B) stop brieflyC) turn left D) go back $616,000 Question...These are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation inthe Western Pacific?A) gems B) shellsC) tires D) bird droppings $617,000 Question...This flavor of Jelly Bellies were created especially forRonald Reagan?A) cherry B) blueberryC) mint D) orange
A Gift to Dad A lumberjack had raised his only son & had
managed to finance the young man's college educationby the only way he knew how, cutting down trees, byhand.
The young man had helped his father cut downsome of those trees. He knew how hard his father hadto work to put him through college.
When the son started college he promised himselfthe first thing he would do was to buy his father apresent that would make the old man's life easier. Theson saved & scrimped & finally had enough money topurchase the finest chain saw in the world.
On a school vacation the son asks his dad howmany trees could he cut down in one day. The father alarge husky man thought and said on a good day hewas able to bring down 20 trees. The son gave the father the brand new chain saw & said from now on hewould be able to triple the amount and only work halfas hard.
The old man was very pleased and said he had thebest son in the world. The young man left for schoolthe next morning & wasn't able to return until the nextschool break, 3 months later.
When he arrived he immediately noticed that hisdad appeared run down. He asked if his father wasfeeling alright. The old man replied that cutting treeswas getting harder & harder & now with the new chainsaw he was working longer hours but not cutting asmany trees as before.
The son knew there was something wrong &thought perhaps the saw he purchased wasn't as goodas advertised. He asked to check it out. Upon examining it he checked the oiler & it was full. Hechecked the gas & it too was full. He yanked on thecord & immediately it roared to life.
His father grabbed him by the shirt & hollered,"WHAT'S THAT NOISE!!!!"
Redneck Rules of Etiquette#4 - Do not lay rubber while in a funeral procession.#5 - At a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires has the right of way.
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TRANSMISSIONS
Common CourtesyI bumped into a stranger as he passed by,
"Excuse me Please" was my reply.He said, "Please excuse me too; Wasn't even watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I. We went on our way and said good-bye.
But at home a different story is told, How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,My daughter stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked her down."Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
She walked away, her little heart was broken.I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake, that evening, in bed,God's still small voice came to me and said,
"While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use,
But the children you love, you seem to abuse.Go look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.Those are the flowers she brought for you.
She picked them herself: pink, yellow and blue.She stood quietly not to spoil the surprise,and you never saw the tears in her eyes."
By this time, I felt very small,and now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by her bed;"Wake up, my girl, wake up," I said."Are these flowers picked for me?"
She smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
"Daughter, I'm sorry for the way I acted today;I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
"Oh, Mom, that's okay. I love you anyway.""Daughter, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."
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Are You an Adult Yet? Take this Funny Test
1. You’ve gone from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 2. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 3. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to
bed. 4. All of your houseplants are alive5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook
up" and "break up." 8. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed
up." 9. You're the one calling the police because those
darn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 10. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes any
more. 11. Your car insurance goes down and your car
payments go up. 12. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of
McDonald's leftovers. 13. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 14. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of
the beginning of one. 15. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would
severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 16. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good
stuff." 17. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 18. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer
is for real work. 19. You read this entire list looking desperately for
one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.
Ready to Deploy At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being
given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his whole series of injections, askedfor a glass of water.
"What's the matter?" asked the hospital corpsman."Do you feel light-headed?"
"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."
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THANK THE BUSINESS WHERE YOU PICKED UP THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE
ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESGREAT RATES - GREAT RESULTS - CALL TODAY! (815)751-1286 • PAGE 13
Glass Repair and Replacement
• Foggy or cracked glass replacement• Broken window and door repair
www.ClassicGlassAndGlazing.com
Classic Glass and Glazing 224-228-1000
Welcome Home provides people who have moved with useful community information and FREE gifts from localmerchants: all to help you become familiar with the area.
Call or Text For a Visit -Batavia • North Aurora • Batavia/Mill Creek
Batman I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of
ours, Jim, and his new girlfriend, Dorothy. While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations.Dorothy said that she wanted to go to Gotham City forher next vacation.
I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a real place.She laughed and said "It is, too. It's where Batmanlives".
I laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled andtold me she was serious. I then tried to explain. "Batman does not exist. Why do you think there havebeen so many of them: Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?"
She looked me straight in the eye and said, "That'sbecause he doesn't want anyone to know who he reallyis."
Five Amusing Shop SignsOutside a dress shop, Hong Kong: LADIES HAVEFITS UPSTAIRS.
Tailor shop, Greece: ORDER YOUR SUMMERSSUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR,YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THEANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD,GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
BEA
FRUITLOOPINA
WORLDOFCHEERIOS
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THANK THE BUSINESS WHERE YOU PICKED UP THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE
Hetts Auto SalesLooking for a quality used
vehicle? All our vehicles aresafety inspected, have a
carfax report and many arepriced in the
$3000 - $9000 range. View our inventory at
www.hettsautosales.comHetts Auto Sales is located
in downtown Oswego by theR/R tracks, “Our mission is
to give you a pleasurablebuying experience” and
remember owner, Ed and son, Matt are your friends
in the car business.Hetts Auto Sales
69 W. Washington St. (Rt 34)Oswego, IL 60543630-554-9339
www.hettsautosales.com
CASH PAIDWWII, WWI
Military uniforms,photos, weapons, medals,patches, helmets, posters,
souvenirs, & older firearms.630-215-3664
Garage Doors by CurtSales and Service
We Sell CHI DoorsLift Master Openers(630)276-3453
BUYING
AUTOMOTIVE
The Right GuyCarpet Cleaning, Inc
Certified Cleaning for CarpetTile/Grout, Area Rugs,
Estate and have the freedomand time you Deserve!Text “interesting” to:
630-675-7102 along withyour name and e-mail.
Sleeping Room $90/weeklyClean/Quiet, Non-smoking
Refrigerator accessAurora 630-247-1031
INDUSTRIALSPACE FOR RENT
Batavia, Sugar Grove, St. Charles & Woodridge office & warehouse space for lease, from 1,500sq ft to 12,000sq ft. For info Call Don 630-330-7637or Sarah 630-318-2341
HOUSE CLEANING
Veronica & Audelia’sHouse Cleaning Services
630-506-2895630-935-5287
PAINTING
FOX VALLEY PAINTING
Call/Text 630-485-1442
Next Issue Ad DeadlineDecember 5 November 21
To appear in the next issue of the ORANGE PEEL GAZETTEcontact Michelle at (815)751-1286
Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable. Accuracy however cannot be guaranteed. All humorous stories and
jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only andare not meant to disrespect or harm any group or individuals. Ads appearing in this paper are not to considered as an endorsement or validation by Orange Peel Gazette for products or services offered.
Two Men and A TrailerSmall to Medium Moves
TVs, Dressers, Beds, CouchesReasonable Rates
630-918-5554 Big Ken
MOVING
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ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESCHECK OUT OUR WEBSITE... WWW.ORANGEPEELGAZETTEKANECO.COM • PAGE 16
