Talking to Teenagers · You know your child better than anyone, yet they are changing and becoming...

A Booklet for Parents

Talking to Teenagers35149_Hills Youth Service_Drug Booklet_Parents5.indd 1 7/7/08 10:57:35 AM

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35149_Hills Youth Service_Drug Booklet_Parents5.indd 2 7/7/08 10:57:36 AM

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The one thing you probably have in common with anyone else reading this is that you are the parent of a teenager. Whatever your specific reasons for reading this booklet, your concern is likely to be for the welfare of your child and your relationship with them.

Your teenagers may be young or nearly adult, they may be rebellious or you may be worried about them or simply interested in learning more about their world.

Teenagers are in a curious experimental, questioning time of life. You may find them at one time selfish, narrow minded, difficult and challenging and at other times spontaneous, affectionate and a pleasure to have around.

You may be finding this stage in their life difficult, hard to understand, annoying or a delight.


We just can’t talk about itIn the face of something so challenging as the changes in a growing teenager, our natural response is often to close up, stick to our view of the world and not want to discuss it. Or their views might scare us to death and we stick our heads in the sand. We don’t want to know what they have to do with drugs, we just don’t want them to have anything to do with them. We don’t want to think about what they might do if they stay out late at night.

We often don’t say what we really mean, and find ourselves coming out with harsh words because we feel at a loss to know what to do.

We want to help them, but often we don’t know how. It can be agonising to watch them making mistakes that we can see coming a mile off. The hardest thing for many parents to accept is that teenagers do experiment with ideas, clothes, friends, and could well experiment at some time with sex, smoking, drinking, and possibly other drugs.

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We aren’T geTTing Through To Them and They aren’T geTTing Through To us.

We all know communication difficulties aren’t restricted to parents and kids, we all find it hard to communicate at times, in some situations more than others, but we’re trained to hide it. We wouldn’t dream of telling the person we’re talking to at a party or our workmates that right now we’re feeling inadequate and vulnerable.

Remember

1. You can’t be a “perfect parent”, you can only be who you are, and thinking about your ideas and values is an important part of communicating with your kids.

2. Informing yourself about drugs (or any sensitive issue) will help you discuss them with your teenagers.

3. Getting in touch with what being an adolescent is like will help you in communicating with the person you know who is going through it.

4. Understanding what helps and what blocks communication in any situation will help in understanding your teenager, because after all both you and they are ordinary people.


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Perfect ParentsSometimes it’s as though we as “parents” has very little to do with we as “people”. We try to live up to an ideal of “perfect parents”, which is an impossible goal, because we’re real people with strengths and weaknesses. A common fear of parents is that our children will pick up our weaknesses, so we hide them, and instead show our kids an unreal image of ourselves.

don’T panicYou can’t achieve anything in a mood of panic. Accept that your teenager may experiment, whatever your own views, and that it is a part of growing up. Informing yourself about current teenager issues is a good start.

don’T blame yourselfParents are not the only influences in young people’s lives. We can do our best and have no guarantee that our children will be alright. We are best able to help our kids by being “good enough” parents, being open to talking with them and guiding them as they need it.


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good Things abouT adolescenceAdolescence can be a very interesting and productive time for parents and children. You know your child better than anyone, yet they are changing and becoming an adult, different from the person you know so well. You are establishing a new relationship with them, so it is a learning time for you too.

Teenagers can be inspiring. They get us talking and thinking about the world in a way that we often haven’t done since we were teenagers. They love thinking about things, experimenting with ideas and talking. They can also be lots of fun. Adolescents can give you a fresh perspective on things, give you ideas and keep you in contact with being young and changes in the world.


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What you want from teenagers

basically parents want: • To know your kids are alright and not in danger • To know your kids think you’re OK parents • To know your kids understand your values and why you want

to pass them on • Your kids not to judge you too harshly • To know your kids have heard your opinions and thought

about what you have to say • To have some idea of what’s going on in your kids’ lives • To understand more about the world of the teenager today,

which is probably a bit different to when you were young.

and about drugs: • More information about drugs • To know that your kids are not in danger from drugs

(eg. drinking and driving) • To know that your kids are in control and not at risk of harm • To know that your kids understand what drugs can do to them.

WhaT Teenagers WanT from parenTsbasically, teenagers want parents to: • Understand what it’s like to be a teenager • Understand that they have to make up their own mind

on things • Be interested in their life, but respect their privacy • Understand that their friendships are important to them • Trust them • Support them when needed • Give advice and opinions when asked (without a lecture) • Have reasonable rules.


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and about drugs: • Realise that experimentation may be part of being a teenager

and not necessarily dangerous • Inform yourselves a bit more about drugs • Be honest about your own drug use • Be there if there is a problem • Make reasonable rules about drugs • Understand that they will make their own informed decisions

about drug use later on.

Teenagers sTill need your guidanceBecause adolescence is such a confusing time, teenagers do look for some limits and stability. Kids may act in a rebellious way to limits. If you give up any control around them, you won’t be an effective guide in a difficult time. You’ll just be casting them afloat in their own confusion. This is a level of freedom most teenagers will not welcome, despite outward appearances.

The idea of road markings is a useful way to think about how rules help the teenager. It is very easy to go over the lines, but they make it quite clear where you’re not supposed to go. A rule of not smoking at school will not stop teenagers doing so if they want to, but it tells them what is acceptable and what is not. It also lets them know that their action has a consequence or penalty. If they don’t have those lines marked out they don’t know when they’re on the right track or not.


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They shouldn’t know about these things

Parents sometimes fear children knowing about drugs, or sex, or other sensitive issues, because if they know about it they may start doing it. We have to accept that at some time they’re going to come into contact with these things, and it is better that they are protected by their knowledge.

some reasons Why Teenagers Take drugsListed below are some reasons why teenagers take drugs. As you look through them, mentally check off whether they might apply in your situation, and think of ways to discuss them with your teenager.

emotional factors• Attempting to increase

self esteem• Escape from emotional upset• Reduce anxiety• Avoid making decisions• Asserting independence

physical reasons• Attempting to feel relaxed• Blocking pain• Reducing sensations• Getting a buzz –

new sensations• Increasing energy

social reasons• Gaining recognition of friends

– being “one of the group”• Overcoming shyness• Escaping loneliness• Aiding communication

intellectual reasons• Reducing boredom• Attempting to understand

self better• Satisfying curiosity• Wanting to see the world a

new way

environmental reasons• Popular acceptance of alcohol

and other drug use• Difficult family situation• Pressure to mature early• Role models

a combination of reasons• Teenagers might start off taking

a drug simply as an experiment and then find they need it to relax and feel more accepted.


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Kids who take drugs regularly do it for exactly the same reasons that adults do. Addiction or drug misuse in teenagers does not come about as a result of accidental or experimental exposure to drugs. Drug problems are usually part of a much larger problem, like not fitting in at school, problems at home, not knowing how to approach people they’re attracted to and so on. An obliterating drug experience like those produced by alcohol, tranquillisers or amphetamines (speed) serves as a blindfold to shut out a frightening environment.

A teenager who is communicating well with parents, and is given the chance to overcome difficulties themselves, will stand a better chance of coping with life than the teenager who is overly protected, or the teenager who is left to drift without any guidance.

Talking abouT drugsIf you feel that the issue is very sensitive, talk about it in a general way. Talk about drugs in society, or someone you know who might have a drug problem. You might talk about your own use of drugs. What do you get out of drinking alcohol, or a cup of coffee, or taking a headache tablet? What are the good and bad experiences?Do this without trying to tell a moral tale, which your teenager is likely to pick up on and clam up as a result.

Your teenager might want to talk about their experiences. If they don’t, you’ve still opened up lines of communication and let them know you’re prepared to listen and be sympathetic. You don’t have to know everything about your teenager’s experiences, being private doesn’t necessarily mean they have anything to hide.

If they do talk about themselves remember that they’re probably feeling very vulnerable about it. Be open to their point of view. Listen to their ideas and their experiences of the effects of alcohol and other drugs. They might have some positive experiences to relate. If they’re having a bad time it will be a huge relief to them to get it off their chest and seek your guidance, without you flying off the handle.


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Understanding yourselfThinking abouT your ideas and values

On any opinion on any topic, why do you think it, why do you believe in it, is it really important to you? If you have the answers it’s a lot more likely you’ll be heard and understood by your teenager than if you just say “This is how it is, buster”.

Where do you get your opinions about drugs? • Personal experience? • The papers? • TV? • Your parents?

What is your own relationship to drugs? • How much caffeine do you consume? • Tobacco? • Alcohol? • Pills?

do you say one thing but mean another?Your view will be heard more clearly if it is informed and honest.


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become informed abouT drugsYou probably take a drug every day. Coffee, tobacco, alcohol and pain-killers are legal drugs. Because they are so much a part of our lives we sometimes don’t think of them as “real” drugs.

Often thanks to media reports, we worry about illegal drugs, the sordid “drug scene”, hangings in Malaysia and the fear that “one hit of heroin and you’re hooked”, when there are major dangers posed to our teenagers by our every day drugs. Particularly alcohol. You can learn about drugs from your teenagers. Young people learn about drugs not only in the schoolyard and out and about, but also in education programs. Don’t assume that your kids are ignorant and weakwilled. They may have thought about the topic a lot, and they might want to talk to you about it.


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Understanding AdolescentsWhaT your Teenager is going Through

You have been through your own adolescence, a similar experience to what your teenager is going through. Similar, not the same. Their feelings and experiences are unique to themselves. Also, they’re growing up in a different time, the world is different today than ten, twenty or forty years ago.

Teenagers are in-between the familiarity of childhood and the new world of adulthood. While no longer children, they’re not quite adults yet.

As a parent, understanding how adolescence affects most kids will help you communicate with them. Try putting yourself in their shoes and see how the world seems to them.

Even if you think you know exactly what your teenager is going through, it is important to

give them room to learn.


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changesThe feeling for most kids is that they no longer feel at home in their own bodies, which are changing dramatically. Voices are croaking and cracking, breasts are emerging, so is pubic hair. Adolescents are painfully self-conscious about these changes.

Teenagers are self-centred. They have to think about themselves all the time to work out where they fit in the world. They’re always watching the way adults behave, imitating them, judging them. On top of their natural self-awareness, society makes teenagers self conscious by constantly comparing them to adults and telling them to grow up, either directly through parents, teachers, peers, or indirectly through the media. Teenagers are aware of their own inadequacies when they put themselves up against the adult ideal. They feel embarrassed about themselves, awkward and misunderstood.

They feel that they’re being watched and judged, and they’re right. The only time teenagers can feel really acceptable is when they’re with other teenagers. In other words, with other people who see the world in the same way, are interested in the same things and act the same way as themselves. It is very important for teenagers to fit in with the crowd, their crowd. They don’t mind looking like Martians to their parents, so long as they look good to their friends.

Because of the intense self consciousness and feeling of insecurity during this time of life, most adolescents come to any situation with more than the usual sensitivity. No matter how well you’ve always got on, you will often find your adolescent challenging your ideas as he or she thinks about the world and themselves and tries to work it all out.


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A two-way streetexperimenTaTion

Adolescence is a time of constant experimentation and testing the boundaries. Part of trying to define their place in the world is experimenting with various ideas and experiences.

privacyPrivacy is also an important part of growing up. Teenagers start to feel the need for a private life, when as younger kids they had none. Your teenager’s need for privacy is exactly the same as your own.

Sometimes teenagers worry that if they talk about things like drugs, their parents will jump to the conclusion that they’re using them, and so they keep thoughts private that they’d rather share with you.

conTradicTionAdolescence is also a time of contradiction. An adolescent may be outwardly certain of their opinions, put on a show of bravado, yet inside be feeling very insecure and vulnerable. They may take great offence at being treated like a child, but act childishly sometimes.It doesn’t help to say “Oh, you’re just going through a stage, adolescents are confused.” Teenagers want to have their opinions listened to, they want to be taken seriously. Having a receptive parent will encourage them to communicate.


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Learning how to talkdifferenT poinTs of vieW

Communication is the key to resolving problems or to finding out if they exist.

four people sitting in a square with their backs to each other when asked to describe a room, will give completely different descriptions of the room because they see different things. it is a simple idea but helpful in thinking about your teenager.

Accepting that they may see the world differently is the first step in communicating with teenagers, or with anybody. They are emerging from childhood, they spend most of their time at school, they are growing up in a world of television, computers, video games and different ideas about men and women from when you were a teenager.

Often we really do want to know what’s going on with our kids, but we fall into the age old trap of telling them what they should do or think. One of the hardest things to do is to let go of the idea that your point of view is the only point of view.

If you’ve done that in the past don’t waste time worrying about it.


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3 ways to talkbe honesT

Let your teenagers know what you want to talk about. And why. Lay your cards on the table and tell them if you’re worried, or angry, or scared. Be honest about how it feels to be a parent. If your teenagers see that you are being honest, they will most likely respond honestly.

If you have not communicated honestly in the past, or been judgemental, it may take a bit of time to regain their trust.

avoid conTradicTionTeenagers are acutely aware of what they see as hypocrisy, because they are looking at their world very closely. The drug education that many teenagers have had includes an examination of legal drugs ... those which most of us use, to one degree or another. Everyone is contradictory to a certain extent.

You do not have to abstain from alcohol or cigarettes to communicate with your teenagers, but if you acknowledge your own relationship to drugs, however mild, you strengthen your credibility and have a good starting point for a discussion.

negoTiaTePut yourself for a minute in the position of your child. Imagine that you have smoked marijuana a couple of times, or had a bad time after getting blind drunk one night. You’re frightened and you want to get it off your chest.

You have probably been in a conversation where it seemed the other person had already made up their own mind and nothing you could do or say would alter their ideas. “What’s the point?” you think, in those circumstances.


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The average teenager, already going through the confusions of adolescence, and on top of that scared about drugs, will not know how to talk to you if you have expressed strong and inflexible opinions about drugs, or any topic.

The answer to this is to be as non-judgemental as possible and discuss your own and their drug taking in a way that helps them make their own choices.

Helping teenagers find their own opinions and solutions really works. If your kids make their own rules then you will not be constantly enforcing them, and the teenager will not be resentful of your authority.

For instance, you might have instituted a rule of coming home by a certain time. Your teenager consistently breaks it, and when you enforce your rule more rigidly, they break it more rebelliously. A good way to deal with it is to explain why you feel the need for a curfew hour, and then ask your teenager to set their own limit. Then you negotiate a mutually acceptable time.

It is important for teenagers to experience their own sense of power over their lives. Decide on an issue that you can give way a little on (eg curfew hour, clothes, hair, smoking outside the house). After you’ve heard them out, say “OK, you’ve convinced me, we’ll do it your way.”

Teenagers will be much more receptive to you if you show that you can be flexible, and actually take them seriously.



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Try again

There may be no more to it than that, but these answers leave open the possible communication that your teenager has become disenchanted with Emma because she’s involved with drugs and is not the reliable friend she used to be. But that’s the kind of thing that teenagers will only tell you if they know you’re listening and interested, and aren’t going to say “l told you so.”

......and more listening!

I’m sick of hanging round with Emma

good! i never liked her anyway

close of

conversaTion

I’m sick of hanging round with Emma

you seem bored with emma these days

don’t you have much in common with emma anymore?


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Some ways we block communication

ordering You must, you have to

advising Why don’t you, it would be best if...

ridiculing OK Know-it-all, you spoilt brat

sympathising Don’t worry, you’ll feel better

Warning You’d better, if you don’t then...

lecturing Do you realise, the facts are...

diagnosing What you need is, what’s wrong with you is

undermining You’re nothing but...

moralizing You should, you ought to:

Judging You are wrong, you are acting stupidly

interrogating Why... Who... How


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as you read this list of less successful modes of communication, work out how you feel when you are on the receiving end.

These methods leave little room for the other person to find their own response or solution. Instead of using these words, ask your teenager what he or she thinks is best to do. Ask them what they see as the problem, or if there is a problem.

They may want some guidance, but let them ask for advice. an effective way to give advice is to preface it with “you have to make up your own mind, of course, but i would...” or “in a similar situation i have done...”


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If you think your teenager is using drugs

Such a possibility does not signal the end of the world. It does not necessarily mean that the usage is out-of-control or placing your teenager in danger.

The main thing that you can do yourself is to think about why your teenager may want to use drugs, talk with them about it and seek solutions, with outside help if necessary.

If you are part of a two parent team the parent with the easiest rapport with the adolescent can initiate the conversation. Or there might be a family friend or relative whom the teenager particularly trusts. Or even one of your teenager’s friends that you both trust.

You may feel that while these ideas about communication are good, you find it hard to imagine putting them into practice in your own life. You may feel that the relationship with the teenager is so far gone that reading books won’t help.

Where To from hereThe fact that you’ve read this far shows you’re a concerned parent interested in your teenager. There is no need to know everything there is to know about drugs and communication techniques in order for kids and parents to talk. The will to do it is all you really need, so get talking!

if you’re having trouble communicating with your teenagers you don’t have to go it alone.


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For more information and help

kids help line (24hr) ...............................................1800 551 800

link 2 home – sTaTeWide homelessness informaTion and referral service(24hr) .................................................1800 152 152

family drug supporT hoTline (24hr) ............................................... 1300 368 186

alcohol & drug informaTion service (adis) (24hr) ........................................... (02) 9361 8000

child proTecTion help line (24hr) ........................................................... 13 21 11

migranT resource cenTre(Mon-Fri 9am-4pm) ................. (02) 9687 9901

deparTmenT of aboriginal affairs(Mon-Fri 8.30am-5pm) ............ (02) 9219 0700

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29CastleStreet,CastleHillNSW2154Phone: (02) 9680 1201 Fax: (02) 9680 3080

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Talking to Teenagers · You know your child better than anyone, yet they are changing and becoming...

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