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Teaching Teens about Love and Connection FACS TO THE MAX 2014 DAN MOEN, PH.D., LMFT, CFLE MINNESOTA STATE UNIVERSITY, MANKATO – DEPARTMENT OF FAMILY CONSUMER SCIENCE
Teaching Teens
about Love and
ConnectionFACS TO THE MAX 2014
DAN MOEN, PH.D., LMFT, CFLE
MINNESOTA STATE UNIVERSITY, MANKATO – DEPARTMENT OF FAMILY CONSUMER SCIENCE
Abstract
This interactive presentation covers the basics of the “5 Love
Languages of Teenagers” (Chapman, 2010) as well as effective
approaches towards connection. Audience members will have an opportunity to take a love languages quiz of their own and will be
provided with links to applicable information for their classrooms. All
information/concepts are taken from research/theory-based
literature.
Introduction
Good Question
Who has at teenager (or teens) in their
household?
Teens May be a Challenge
Reading from 5LL p. 125
ChimeIn Opportunity
http://www.chimeincloud.com/course/edit/68
Interesting Information
Before World War II, the term “Teen” did not exist
86% of Teens Rank “Having a Stable Family” as a most important part of their future lives
Teens spend 8.5 hrs/wk “chatting (texting) vs. 1.8 hrs on Homework
Teen Violence has gone up by 168% since 1980
Of the 23,000 homicides/yr 25% are 21 or younger
39% of teens live w/ only 1 parent (80% absent father)
71% eat < 1 meal/day w/ their family (50% time a TV is on)
Good news: 90% of teens don’t get into big trouble (e.g., drugs)
Parents are still the #1 influence of a teens life
About Teens
They don’t respond the same as when they were a child
They are seeking:
Independence
Self-Identity
They are preparing to become adults
Can be difficult for parents as they need to adapt to these changes
Overall Concept for Today
The Root of Misbehavior is a teens EMPTY Love Tank
What is a Love Tank?
What Teens Need from Parents
Feel Connected
Teens have a lot of energy and want to “help others” – supply opportunities
Communication – Ask them questions / their opinions / let them have a “say”
Feel Accepted
Parents love/care for them regardless
Rejection leads to almost all negative outcomes (e.g., self-esteem, moral dev.)
Be Nurtured
Shown Love (We’ll get in-depth w/ this)
Nurtured teens have higher emotional intelligence (show empathy)
W/O Love, almost all negative outcomes (e.g., poor communicator, difficulty handling the highs and lows of life, earlier sexual experiences, higher aggression, difficulty relating to others)
Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation
Remember: “Love is a Choice”
Remember: Parents and Teachers need their own full love tank to be effective
Tips:
Look for the GOOD
Respect
Be Genuine
Affirm in Front of others when appropriate
Show gratitude and thank them
Be specific about what you appreciate in them
Love Language #2: Physical Touch
No!
Hugs in front of peers
When teen is in an antisocial mood
When teen is angry (a hug may = “control” to a teen)
Yes!
After a difficult day at school and/or breakup
Ask yourself:
Does touch interfere with their Independence?
Does touch enhance their Self-Identity?
Love Language #2: Physical Touch
Learn what they like now (don’t assume they enjoy the same as a child)
Don’t ever force physical touch (e.g., “I’m going to give my daughter a hug!”)
Teens might respond negatively to childhood touches (reminds them of being a child, they are seeking independence and self-identity)
Always express love, don’t withdraw love because you’re upset w/ a choice they made
Appropriate physical touch from fathers is important
Girls who did not get healthy physical touch from fathers are more likely to engage in early sexual behaviors
Love Language #3: Quality Time Undivided Attention (Togetherness)
W/o Quality time, Teens are more likely:
Be more Anxious
Less Secure (Emotionally)
Less Emotional Growth
8 Tips:
Eye Contact
Don’t Multitask (Undivided Attention when possible)
Listen for Feelings (what are they feeling?)
Observe Body Language
Don’t Interrupt
Ask Reflective Questions
Express Understanding
Ask Permission to share your perspective/ideas (teens will tune you out if you don’t)
Love Language #3: Quality Time
More Tips/Ideas:
When watching sports together, ask questions, get their insights
They must feel open and comfortable w/ sharing (no judgments)
Speak with, not at
Slow the flow (think before speaking)
2:1 ratio (listen 2xs as much as talking)
Use “I” statements
Teach, don’t “Preach” (share ideas)
Give Reasons (not: because I said so) (yes: let me tell you why)
Choose events/activities your teen enjoys
Love Language #4: Acts of Service
Must be freely given, NOT manipulation (e.g., you behave and I’ll
drive you to the mall)
Parents Model this behavior to teens (servitude)
Careful, they still need chores, but explain the importance
Games you can play:
“I really appreciate that”
Do you know what I would like (requests for service)
Love Language #5: Gifts
Most difficult of all Love Languages
To be effective, you must practice the other 4 love languages as well
Gift in GREEK = Charis, meaning “Grace” or Undeserved Gift
Must be: Visible, tangible evidence of emotional love
Payments are not “Gifts”: E.g., Allowance for Chores
Careful: Never say, “if you do this, I will buy you this” = Manipulation
Creates Entitlement in Teens (I deserve this, my parents owe me)
Be Mindful, do not promote materialism
Teens need to learn: Enjoy the Ordinary and Sharing w/ others
Love Language #5: Gifts
What is a True Gift?
Purpose: To express emotional love (I care about you)
Some measure of ceremony
Wrapping, words, touch, other expressions of love
Teens and Money
Teens must work for money
They learn: Is this object worth the effort?
Gain discernment & Prep for the real world
Money (Other Thoughts)
Parents: Give money for specific reasons
Here’s $ for sports camp, driving lessons, church camp
Don’t: Freely dish out money
Cars: Maybe make them work for part of the cost of the car
Use for school, sports, work, a little fun (social stuff when earned)
Counterfeit Gifts:
Take the place of real love (e.g., making up for not being there)
Busy/absent parents
Your Turn
Please, take a moment to complete the love language quiz
Feel free to share your findings w/ those around you
Resources
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Look at “Profiles” for other Love Language Quizzes
101 Ways to Tell Your Child “I Love You” by Lansky
How to Really Love your Teen. By Ross Campbell
Hurt 2.0: Inside the World of Today’s Teenager. By Chap Clark
Parenting Teens with Love and Logic. By Cline and Fay
University of Minnesota Extension (Great Source of Information)
Questions
Feel free to ask questions
You can also:
507-389-2425
