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THE STATSBabies do not help many relationships!
30% of parents say relationship gets worse
10%+ mothers suffer postnatal depression
Children complain about stressed mothers and distant fathers
One third of children see parents split
ROLE DIVERGENCE: AN EXPLANATION?Is lack of sleep and uncertainty all there is to it?
The greater the roles of mothers and fathers diverge after a baby is born, the unhappier they tend to be.
The bigger the difference between parents’ aspirations to share and the reality of their sharing, the unhappier they tend to be.
(Cowan & Cowan, USA)
FRUSTRATED ASPIRATIONSThe Cowans have shown this harms relationships
Should mum be in charge of caring?◦34% of mothers said yes◦23% of fathers said yes
Is mum in charge of caring?◦86% of mothers said yes◦69% of fathers said yes
60% of mothers and fathers want fathers to spend more time with their young children
50% say arrangements not of their choice
50% of fathers think they work too much
Trouble ahead
WHAT FORCES PARENTS APART?The legacy of the industrial revolution
Unequal work expectations – not unequal pay so much any more
Beliefs about motherhood◦ Natural◦ Innate skills, e.g. multi-tasking◦ No choice◦ Primary◦ High expectations
Beliefs about fatherhood◦ Not natural – clumsiness, funny, “impressive”◦ Hunter gatherer◦ Fathers have choice and don’t engage through choice◦ Low expectations
Mother feels un-supported
Unresolved disagree-ments about parenting and a perceived difference in authority
Low father involve-ment
Father remains unskilled and unconfident
Many relationship stresses observed in new parents relate to role divergence
Role divergence conflicts with human natureHuman families share
– that made us successful
Mothers have worked for 200,000 years
Dads are genetically programmed to care
Children develop multiple attachments from day one
Babies programmed to elicit care from multiple carers – origin of human empathy?
If human history were 24 hours long, the model of mum at home
alone with the children and dad at work was invented 2 minutes ago.
Sharing makes us happyFeels fairerParents who share are nicer
to each otherParents who share have more
sexParents who share are less
stressedChildren have more social
capital and see wider opportunities for themselves
Family spreads financial riskBoth parents close to children
SUPPORTING PARENTINGHelp with parenting and help for relationships is the same thing
Must engage BOTH parentsMust work on PARENTAL ALLIANCEParenting is a team activity: work with the
teamEngage with issue of different parenting
styles – e.g. response to distress, holding baby, managing risk, encouraging achievement
Cowans/Feinberg: this works better than traditional parenting support