“There is pain … and there is happiness … all we can do is accept both of them and live.”

IN YOUR ARMS

She’s holding my hand, warming me up. In the cold winter, beneath the cover of snow, in the freezing truth, she’s sitting next to me. The girl I loved for four years … she loves me back. She’s smiling – I know that smile. I fell in love with that smile. Warm and enduring, watchful and honest – she’s smiling – to me, just to me.

Yesterday, when I finally gathered up the courage to ask her out, in the middle of our prom celebration, she jumped up and kissed me in front of everyone. To my surprise, none of them were shocked – as if they expected it to happen, sooner or later.

She’s still beside me – I’m still getting used to the idea this is not a dream. This is actually happening. Her head is slightly tilted as she gazes into the white snow, disappearing into the world unknown to a man like me – a world where dreams are true, where sorrow and grief are unknown – a world where no one besides her can step in. But, still, she held my hand firmly – as if she never wanted to let go. I didn’t want to let go – not now, not ever.

If I only I knew, back then, that the life is not our favorite song, I might’ve let that hand go. I wonder … would have I had strength to do so?

THE REASON I LIVE

Her little hand deeply within mine; her fragile body, slowly walking next to me. Whenever I look at her, I am reminded of why I live. Yes, for that fragile body, heart and soul, I pour out my blood and live. She’s all I have left – she’s all I need. My little daughter …

I’m twenty two years old boy and I have a five year old daughter. People call it recklessness and disobedience – I call it luck and miracle. For her, I’d give all I’ve got in an instant. Her mom died giving birth to her … her mom, the girl I loved ever since I was thirteen smiled at me in her dying breath and made me promise to take care of her. As if I wouldn’t have otherwise.

“Papa, look, it’s snowing” she suddenly yelled out in joy, and released herself of my hand, dancing in the cold, white snow. “Watch out. Don’t fall.”“Do I look like a princess?” “Yes … like the most beautiful princess there ever was.”

Her sky-blue eyes closed and her face drew the smile which warmed my heart – even in this dead-cold. Her small, black hair flickered as she ran around in circles, as if the snow itself is something magical – something that happens only once. She’s a solem reason I still live.

A COLD SIDE OF BED

Another dawn – another different face. Now it’s a long, brownish hair that’s slipping through my fingers. Indeed she is beautiful; sometimes I wonder why do beautiful girls fall for my charm. They know, deep in their hearts, that they will be abandoned by dawn; they know I’m not the one to ease their grief – I’m just a warm body for a night … and a face they will want to forget – a regret that will haunt them.

Ever since high school, I knew my way around girls – may it be smart, cute, sexy or any of other likes, I knew how to sway them, how to mersmerize them. Despite my average looks, I always had a way to charm them, as if I bore a spell within my words that would hypnotize them for a night. Most guys I’ve met envy me on that gift – but I hate it. To know that the other side of the bed will be cold, regardless of how many girls I bring back home, is something a man cannot live with. A paradise they call it … but it is no paradise. It’s a punishment for something I did – for something I dare not even remember doing. The heart that cannot love or be loved is a heart that deserves the pain. The pain that lasts well beyond that dawn …

HE THAT STOLE MY HEART

Eight years – that’s the length of my one-sided love. Ever since the age of fourteen, I had my eyes set solely on him. All my friends kept repeating the same thing – abandon foolish love. But how can I? How can someone stop loving the one that warms their heart using just a simple smile? He stole my heart … but not my heart alone. He steals hearts of anyone he meets … his bed is never empty – by each dawn, there’s a different, beautiful face gazing towards him. Waking up in the morning and taking the newspapers, seeing another woman leave with a smile on her face and hope that he might call is painful. But I know it’s more painful for them. He will never call. He never calls. Still, each morning, he gives me a warm smile before closing the door and disappearing into his own world. I wonder when we got so cold towards each other. Where was the breaking point of our friendship that lasted so long. Maybe he realized that I never stopped loving him … that my heart grows no remorse for this unrequited love I bear? Maybe this is his way of saying Forget me!? No … I can never forget him. He that stole my heart … I hope that one day he’ll give it back.

THE COLD DISTANCE

She’s putting her make up on. Cold bed. I’m waking up to the emptiness beside me – to the cold feeling I dread. When did our love vanish? Everyone envied us in high school … they said our eyes sparkled whenever we were near each other. That we looked as if we were ready to fly away when we held hands. It’s all gone now. There’s only emptiness within me … just knowledge that the warmth I once felt near her is gone. I’m sure she feels the same. Love is a word long forgotten within us. The feeling which kept us together for eight years is long gone. I wonder if it’s time to part ways …

SPLENDID OAZIS

I always rest beneath this oak after classes. The story of it goes as far as three hundred years before my birth – its old pores and branches – the stories they could tell … the loves they’ve witnessed. Sometimes I envy this old tree; its naked branches dance by the winter’s wind, without a care in the world. Is it even possible to not have a care in the world? If it is, then I’m close to it. Whether I live or die, whether I’m here or not – it matters little. No one would grieve … no one would bat an eye if I disappear. The world around me would still be the same. The world I grew to love and hate at the same time …

THE LIFE I HELD ONCE

The pain I went through … the cries and kicks I endured; the love I was prepared to give – it all disappeared in a single flash. Under the white light, under the ceiling I grew to hate beyond anything else, my baby boy was born unto this world. In my own blood he bathed upon the birth, and even I realized something isn’t right. There were no cries … there were no smiles. Just silence … and my heart broke. I knew … I realized … my baby boy died … he died before uttering his first word, before taking his first step, before catching his first cold, before finding his first love …

I’ve only heard stories about children that died upon birth … but I’ve never given it much thought. I never thought it would’ve happened to me – to me who always had whatever she wanted. Maybe this is God’s punishment … but, if it is … it is cruel one. To deprive a mother of the child she so yearned for … it’s a cruel, demonic thing to do. John held my hand … but it was pointless. Even he barely kept his eyes open. His hand felt week – as if it was not his own. We both cried … we both wished we can rewind time … but it was pointless. The pain had already broken us …

The nurse gave me his still warm body – “Hold him … so you can remember him” – she said. Despite probably having dozens of similar experiences, even she drew a painful face as she handed his dead body into my arms. He’s peaceful … as if he’s sleeping – as if he’s not dead. His body … so tiny … so fragile … it is true when they say that there’s nothing in the world mother wouldn’t give for her child. Right now … I’m ready to give my life away just to see him smile once. Another nameless baby, lost in the flood of the dead souls … another shared burden for mothers whose children died long before they even had a chance to name them. There is no word or sentence or facial expression to comprehend all what is happening in my heart. My baby boy, the life I gave birth to … instead of being the most beautiful thing in my life … the thing I’m most proud of … it became a burden … it became a deep scar that ended my life the way I know it.

TEARS AND SMILESHaris Krupalija

The lands spread as the oceansAnd the clouds never disappear

Above me is nothing but darknessI dare not whisper of joy

To the sacred and the hollowAnd all those that believe

That the hearts are made of concreteThe hearts easily bleed

The truth is a reminderAnd the truth is pain indeed

For the truth is not a lieAnd a lie is all we need

SHORT STRAW OF HAPPINESS

Joana and Nick were two simple fools who lived their lives in a way most people wouldn’t. Hiding what was in their hearts, they spent four years in fear of knowing what the other would think. Everyone in their high school knew that they’ll eventually wind up together – even the teachers themselves. No one had a single straw of doubt – except those two.

They met on the very first day of their high school lives; a boy just entering the puberty, with the first signs of transforming into a man, and a shy, pretty girl hoping she’ll make a lot of friends. Joana was standing next to the window, gazing into the empty sky, when Nick entered. He didn’t notice her at first; he sat on what seemed as an empty seat and burrowed his head down in desperate need of sleep. He felt a light push on his shoulder and slowly raised his head.

Romantics would call that love at the first sight – or the interveniance of fate. You see, Nick could’ve sat anywhere – but his heart choose the seat of a girl he fell in love immediately. They stared at each other – two pairs of eyes, dancing in flavor of love. When the bell rang, Joana sat next to him without thinking – and thus began the longest pre-relationship status either one of them had.

They became best friends quickly, but they both felt the same wall – a wall they didn’t want to crumble – a wall that their hearts created.

Through the years, both of them did date other people; but, it was painful. Whenever they’d look at someone else’s face, they’d see the person they truly loved. Neither had courage to step up and remark the words – a maiden with the heart as pure as the dawn’s rain and a boy with desire to become one with the one he loved – one could call them cursed lovers.

Yet, that curse was broken when they both graduated – during the prom. In his heart, Nick somewhat felt this was his last chance to hold her tighly – not because she was his best friend – but because she was a girl he loved. He came up to the band and asked them to play the song “Careless Whisper”. There he went back to Joana and asked for a dance; she smiled gently, as always, being happy by just being able to dance with him, suspecting nothing. As the song ended, John boldly declared his love in front of everyone; without said word, Joana jumped up, rolled her hands around him and kissed him. They remained like that for a few minutes as everyone clapped and yelled out ‘Finally’. They dashed out quickly afterwards, into the snowy night and sat down on the steps of a nearby building. Hand in hand, they both held each other firmly, as if one might fly away any moment.

“You don’t know how long have I been waiting for those words” Joana muttered, burying her head into Nick’s lap.“Neither do you know for how long I wanted to say them” he said, leaning his head forward and kissing her head gently. “You were adorable back there” she laughed out “Like a little kitten.”

“Seriously? You’re comparing a guy with the kitten? You’re insane …” even though he said that, Nick laughed as well. “It still feels like a dream … like many of dreams I had. You’d grab my hand and we’d run off into the distance … would watch the sunset, with our hands still in pinch.”“Well … my dreams weren’t as romantic as yours though.”“You damn pervert” she kicked him lightly “And here I thought you weren’t a guy at all.”“Do you know how beautiful you are?” Nick said, removing Joana’s hair from her face. Her cheeks were red, somewhat because of cold and somewhat because of joy, and her soft lips trembled in cold. Her eyes shone in the darkness, still as beautiful as ever.“No … tell me” she said with serious face.“More beautiful than any sunset you’ve dreamt of … more beautiful than any moon you’ve seen … more beautiful than any princess from any fairy tail.”“Wow Nick … no wonder you dated so many girls. You know your way with words.”“Well … I learned from the best” Nick smiled softly, as if he was gazing deep into the past.“From the best?”“Yeah … my older brother. Well … he was adopted, technically, but I still see him as my brother.”“I never knew you had a brother” Joana said, getting up and sitting down beside him.“He’s five years older than me so he isn’t around much. During high school, he had a similar problem like me – he couldn’t confess to a girl he liked. In the end, the girl confessed to him. However, for a reason he never could explain, even to himself, he rejected her; it might be because she confessed in front of his friends and he wanted to act cool, but that day he lost her. He turned into a ‘player’ shortly after he entered college and never stopped being one. Sometimes I think he still loves her … but he would never admit.”“I hope you’re not thinking something along the lines of becoming like him … I wouldn’t love you anymore.”“Hah … nah … that life is too sad. I can see it in his eyes” Nick suddenly looked as if he was spacing out, with his head tilted upwards, gazing towards the sky “Day after day, they keep getting emptier. He was once this funny, smart and cheering kid … but now he’s more like a ghost, clinging onto something even he doesn’t know.”

Joana gripped his hand tightly; she leaned over and kissed him softly, hugging him in the meanwhile. Nick hugged her back, pressed her against his chest, begging all the living and dead to always have her like this. If only he had knew …

By the time May and the sun came about, everyone knew they were dating; whoever would see them, they would call them “blessed couple” – they were always laughing, holding hands with their fingers interwined, feeling each other’s warmth. They both enrolled into the same college and took the same classes. Still, before they could enjoy those years of joy and love, their string of happiness was cut short.

Two weeks before the college, Joana called him out in the middle of night, saying she had to talk to him instantly. Without a second thought, Nick rushed outside, putting only a T-

shirt onto him, still in boxers. She was waiting under a lamp post, on a small bench in a park across Nick’s apartment. Her eyes were blood-red and her tears shone under lamp’s light. Nick instantly rushed over and hugged her tighly, whispering “It’s okay. Tell me what happened.”

For a while, she just kept on crying, with her head buried into his chest. Soon after, he felt the warmth of her tears crawling through the thin shirt, and his heart broke. He never saw her like this; he saw her cry before, but never to this extent. It’s as if her entire world crumbled, as if the life she loved was no longer hers.

“Hey … tell me what happened” he gently lifted her head up and kissed her on a cheek “I promise I’ll listen this time.”“We --- we --- we have to break up” Joana slowly muttered, lowering her head once again “My … my dad is moving to another country … well, another continent … Nick … what should I do? I love you more than anything else in this world … I can’t imagine my life without you.”“Then don’t go” Nick whispered back; his eyes got teary as well, without him even realizing it. “I already told him that … but … he says that he had let me have fun joking around for long enough. I don’t think he’ll let me stay.”“Hey, hey – hey now” Nick, as he realized he was crying, slowly wiped out his tears and lifted her head up again “He can’t control your life, Joana. Ultimately, it’s up to you whether you want to go or stay. And … I know I’m selfish, but I want you to stay. I want you to stay so badly I’m sick of myself.”“I … I want to stay too –““That’s great!” he yelled out and hugged her tightly again “Tell him that … he might not be able to understand it now, but he will someday.”“But I have to go, Nick” Joana slowly broke off from his hug, and stood up, wiping her tears.“What do you mean ‘you have to go’? But … you just said you want to stay.”“There’s a big difference between ‘want’ and ‘have to’ Nick. I … have to go. We’re leaving tomorrow. Understand … please. You don’t have to forgive me … just understand.”

Deep in my heart, I knew our happiness wouldn’t last. But I was abiding by it, I was enthralled by it, took in by what our joy offered. But now, I know … we were never meant to be. Absolute regret, a wishful dream – I realized that now, years and years after … the candle on the table burns strongly, reminding me of the flame I once bore for a young, beautiful girl named Joana. A small, flickering flame of my past that still somehow burns. Her memories are the happiest memories of my life. I know now … that night … she wanted me to grab her hand and lock her up so she wouldn’t leave. I know she wanted me to stop her … that’s why she came. But now … all of that is just a bitter regret. Just a wasteful dream. After that night, I turned into what Joana feared the most – my older brother. With the eyes as empty as a deep cut in the earth. My bitter memories … I bid you farewell. The life I had was empty … but, at least for a little while, for that short summer, I’ve experienced what it means to love and to be loved. Now, at the age of thirty four, before the death had reached me, I offer my soul. I hope that, even if just maybe once, someone will remember me not as a man who ended his own life, but a man that once loved – and was too foolish to hold onto what made him tick – what made his heart move. Joana … forgive me … for I never forgave myself.

SHE TOLD ME; I BELIEVED HER; I LOVE HER; SHE LOVES ME

From time to time, I still recall my high school memories. The days of youth, of innocence and joy … everlasting smiles and souls without any worries. I still remember her face, her smiles and her voice. Lara … sometimes I wonder how my life would turn out if I wasn’t an idiot back then. If, when I saw her nervous face, when I heard the words I yearned for ever since the day I met her, I would have replied with what was in my heart … if that happened, how would my life look like now?

Even though she lives only a hallway apart, we are complete strangers now. The day after her confession and my rejection, I went to see her, to apologize, to tell her that I love her too. After I did, she looked at me with the face I will never forget – a face filled with sadness and grief … with deep, embodied pain – the pain caused by none other than me. She smiled, through the tears she wept, and said “If I meant that much to you … you wouldn’t have broken me, now, would you, Earnie?”

Ever since that day, we barely spoke – and I turned into what I am today. A wasted life, without prosperty or reason to continue on living. But … deep down I’m afraid to end it all. I’m afraid to realize my heart’s wish. Because, each morning, she gives me a warm smile. That warm smile is enough for me to push myself through the day. I wish the days would shorten … that the mornings would come faster – that her smiles would appear more often. But … I’m afraid to ask for more … because I might lose what I have right now.

Her face … under the moonlight that poured from above – her tears … all her pain. I was the cause. That second I came to realization that she would never forgive me, that I was a stray dog in her life, no one and nothing – just an empty ghoul – just a boy she once knew … she once loved. Morning is nearby … I always wait for it impatiently. Beside me another body, another face I won’t remember – another name I don’t know. Day after day I keep on searching for a woman that would sparkle up my hollow heart … but, if anything, day after day, it gets more and more hollow. The sun rises up – I can see it through the window, clearly, the first signs of dawn. Only one hour left … her smile. It’s no longer filled with pain – there’s no sadness. I’m glad … I’m glad she abandoned the sorrow I caused … even if she forgave me at some point, I know I will never be able to forgive myself. It’s a bit selfish of me to say she’s the reason I’m still alive … it’s selfish to drain more days from her smile … I’m sure she doesn’t want that. She’s a kind person … she smiles to everyone. Her kinder spirit is the light in mesmerized darkness; whether it’s a theif or a priest, her smile is still the same. Warm and hopeful, the kind of smile that can prolong the life of a shadow – of a man who once made that smile turn upside down … and brought havoc to her heart.

It’s here, time to open the doors, to witness it once more. The girl I forgot about pushed me aside as she fought with her headache and regret, leaving the apartment quicker than she came in. I’m standing, waiting for the doors across to open. One hour … two hours … three

hours. The doors are still closed. Her warm smile is not here. The tears travel down my face in a speed unknown to a man … I knew I depended on her smile … but I never knew how much. The footsteps are approaching … and my life crumbles. I’m on my knees, crying like a newborn baby; the footsteps stopped, and there’s no other sound beside my sobbing. Suddenly, a pair of arms entangle themselves around me – I can feel their warmth. I don’t care whose are those … I want their warmth. I keep on crying my soul out … for God knows how long. Neither of us said a single world; after my tears stopped pouring out, the pair of arms let go of me. No … I don’t want them to go. Not just yet; as I raise my head upwards, I recognize a face – a face that bore a smile that gave my life a meaning. I grab her hand before she has a chance to run away; even though she struggles at first, she gives in after awhile and sits down, in front of me.

Yes … the familiar face. Long, black hair falls down below her face as usual; her warm, green eyes are looking at me curiously – but her face bears no smile this time. I know I’m selfish … but I need to be selfish right now.

“Smile” I mutter silently “Please … smile.”“Are you okay Earnie? Did you get dumped or something?” she asked, trying to look me in the eyes. But my head is lowered, and I don’t have strength to raise it up.“I wish” a silent laugh escaped me “Say, Lara … why did you fall in love with me in the first place? Sorry for awkward question … I … I just need to know.”“Why, you ask?” she sighed for a moment and lied down onto the floor; her face suddenly became dreamy, recollecting that which was supposed to be long forgotten “Because … you were amazing back then, Earl. You were gentle … kind … honest, always smiling … strong. I was really fragile … afraid of what people might do to me if I trust them. Yet, when I was with you, those fears would go away. I would just sit there, watching your face … enjoying your smiles. They were really warm … but above all they were honest. Sometimes I wonder myself if that was enough of a reason to fall in love with you … but I gave up that answer long ago. I just know that you gave me strength when I was lacking it … you gave me hope when I was hopeless. Oh, God, I sound like a bloody dreamer – sorry ---““It’s okay” my warm … honest smiles … if you only knew … “I really needed that.” “Why do you ask anyway?” she slowly got up and sat back down as before.“I hate who I am now, Lara” I can begin with the easiest one – honesty “I hate to see different face beside me whenever I wake up. I hate the nights I search for something that is already here, but out of the grasp. I can’t even remember why I became like this in the first place … ironic, isn’t it? Most people turn into assholes after getting their hearts broken … but, for me, it was the other way around.”“Huh?” “When I saw your face that night” yes … honesty “Something within me broke, Lara. Knowing I was the cause … I began hating myself. I didn’t want to be a man who brought that kind of a sad look on a girl’s face … face of a girl that once loved me … face of a girl that I loved. My heart became black … it felt as if someone else crawled within me and stole my soul away.”“Why are you saying this now?” her voice is different; as I raised my head up, I noticed the tears in her eyes. No … you were supposed to smile --- not cry “If this is your way of apologizing, please stop ---“

“No” I shout without a reason and startle her; she fell down, without averting her eyes from me; why must it be me? “It doesn’t matter if you forgive me or not, Lara, since I was never able to forgive myself … nor I ever will be. If … if by any chance I get my soul back from the thief … if by any chance my smiles become warm and honest once more … is there a chance you might fall for me again?” “Earl ---“ she’s crying – maybe not by tears, but her heart is; I’m reminding her of grim memories. Yes … I’m selfish … how can I be this selfish …“I’m sorry” I turn around; I have no strength to look at her right now “Just forget it.”“You idiot” the same pair of arms entangled me yet again; her arms were around my waist, and now she was crying on my back “Your smiles … were always honest and warm. For me, they never changed. Each morning I’d look forward to seeing it … even if it’s just a glimpse of who you used to be … a glimpse of a boy who would melt the snow and ice just by smiling … I was happy. You never reminded me of painful memories … you reminded me of why I fell in love with you … and why I was never able to escape it. It’s agonizing … having to wake up each morning and see a different face standing next to you … it’s agonizing to know that someone else warms the other side of bed … agonizing to know that, if I just wasn’t a hurt and prideful idiot, I might’ve been that person.”“Lara –“ as I tried to turn around, she pinched me down even harder.“I love you Earl Teeger” she yelled out “So don’t cry like a little bitch you idiot! Don’t say ‘if’ and ‘maybe’ … I … my heart, soul, body and all of me never stopped loving you.”

This time I force myself out of her grip, turn around, and pick her up into my arms before kissing her. She didn’t resist; the softness of her lips, their warmth … it is finally here. The warmth I longed for … the hope I long wanted. She hugged me and pushed herself into my chest.

“Even if you break my heart thousand times, there would still be pieces that would love you, you idiot.”“If I break it even once again … I’m going to kill myself.” “What are you saying?” she jumped out of my arms and curiously looked at me with those green eyes; those eyes that haunted me … she is beautiful … more beautiful that the maiden of love herself. More beautiful than the Angel that introducted us … knowing that, one day, our hearts would become one.“I love you Lara Yeger” I screamed out just like she did; yes, without fear, without shame “I’ve loved you since the day I met you … and I’ll love you until the day death due us part.”

Without said word she pushed me back into the apartment. The apartment that, just a couple of hours ago was a dark, remorseful place … a place I wanted to escape. Now, it was a place where sunrays were finally able to reach … where the walls were no longer gray; where I no longer felt caged in and where I no longer suffocated. She … her smile … they erased the cold that was haunting me … with a smile only she can offer. With the love I can only imagine … please God … I beg of you … let me make her happy … even if it will take this pitiful life of mine away.

THE LIFE I DON’T REGRET

Leila was her name; name of the girl that mesmerized me before I even had a chance to fight it. It was nine years ago, when I was barely thirteen; she moved in in a small house near mine. I knew, the moment I saw her, I would want to make her my bride. But … I never got a chance to. I still remember her painful expression before she realeased her last breath … but there was no regret. She was somewhat happy … but at the same time sad. Happy that she gave birth to another life … and sad, knowing that she’ll never watch it grow.

Leila, my daughter, never asks about her mom. Maybe that concept is still strange for her, but I’m prepared for whenever she might start asking questions. The soothing thought is that I don’t have to lie … because she’s exactly like her mother. Cheerful … blossoming like a flower in the garden – always bearing the smile. She reminds me not of my loss … but of love that still burns strong within my heart. But now there are two flames; two flames stronger than anything else.

For five years, I’ve never left her sight. All my friends told me to give her to adoption, that she’ll force me to abandon my dreams. But … during those thoughts, she became my dream. The desire to watch her grow, to always be by her side, overcame all other desires. One would say it was a straw of luck that I enjoy writing – and that I’m good at it. It allows me to work from home, earn enough money to give her life she deserves and to be with her all the time. She takes after her mother more so than me; she likes drawing, she enjoys walks through the park, watching pictures of fascinating places … her eyes become so distant every time she looks at one, as if she’s seeing some other world entirely. It’s kind of sad, not being able to be the part of that world, but being with her in this one is more than enough.

“Daddy” she screams my name the moment she enters the house; it’s always the same. Now she’ll run through the house and give me a hug I really need now. “Daddy, can I ask you a question?” after giving me a hug, she sits on a chair next to mine; for some reason, she loves watching me write and often falls asleep on that very chair. “What is it Leila?” “Is my mom now in heaven?” I would lie if I said that the question didn’t surprised me, but I’ve been preparing for this. I can do it. “Yes, your mom is in heaven.”“Where is that?” “It’s a place where all good people go when they leave this world.”“Will I ever see her?” “If you become a good person and help others, I’m sure you will.” “Is my mom a good person?”“Yes … you’re already a lot like her.”

“Does mommy love me?” the pain is throbbing my chest; even though I was preparing myself for five years now … it’s still painful. Not the question … but the memories of a girl that is long gone, far beyond my grasp.“Yes … your mommy loves you very much.”“Daddy … why are you crying?” without even realizing it, the pain in my heart was released through my tears. People often say that tears are the words we are unable to say; I couldn’t agree more. “Because … daddy is sad” sadness … grief … the things that are a part of everyone – I don’t want her to experience them … yet I know she will “Daddy loved your mommy so much … and now he’s sad because he can’t see her anymore.”“But you will see her when you go to heaven, just like me.”“Yes … when I go to heaven.”

As if she knew, as if she felt it, she quickly got up and sat on my lap and hugged me. Her very existence is enough for my sadness and pain to go away … just a gentle touch of her tiny hands, just a silent whisper of her beautiful voice is enough for my heart to melt in joy. She never questions … she only gives and heals. Indeed … like a heaven sent Angel … she’s more like a guardian of mine than the other way around. Without her in my life, I would’ve probably crumbled long ago … heaven sent Angel … I bet you’re an Angel right now Leila … I bet you’re watching from above and smiling, seeing our little Angel grow bigger and bigger … seeing how she heals my wounds in a same way you would … I hope that, one day, I’ll be able to meet you again – even if it’s just for a brief moment … to catch a glimpse of your smile … or maybe even steal one warm touch of your pale-white hands. Keep watching over us … keep watching over her … for she’s a reminder, to both, you and I, that your death wasn’t meaningless.

MAYBE … JUST … MAYBE

She’s out again, doing God knows what. Lately, she’s been out a lot, especially at nights. She doesn’t even come home most of the days … and, even if she comes, it’s only to shower and change her clothes. I wonder when our life became so meaningless … when did we turn into complete strangers.

Maria, the girl I grew up with, the girl I knew since I was four. We only began dating in high school … and we stayed together until now, when we’re both in mid forties. Long ago, we couldn’t leave each other’s side … but now we can barely talk to each other. It’s been a long time since I felt her warmth … since I wished she wouldn’t leave for work. To be frank, I can’t wait to be alone. It’s too tiring to be with a person that hates you … that can’t even look at you. Sometimes I wonder …

Our happiness started to crumble long ago, probably on the day we’ve found out neither of us can have kids. We were both twenty nine back then and we’ve been trying to have a kid for years. The news hit Maria pretty hard; she didn’t leave the house for weeks after that. I tried to be supportive, but I wasn’t as strong as I thought I’d be. I wanted a kid as well … I wanted a reason to wake up early in the morning. After that, year after year, we’ve began distancing from each other. I suggested adoption from time to time, but she refushed; she said she couldn’t love a child that didn’t grow in her – and, in a way, I understood. She began cheating on me when we’ve reached thirty five in age. I was faithful for one more year until even I gave in. It seemed pointless; we both know we’re sleeping around, but neither one of us wants to talk about it. We’re stuck in a loop we want to escape, but don’t know how. I went to see my lawyer a couple of times to see the divorce procedure; still, he always urged me to reconsider – to not throw away the years we’ve spent together. I’ve heard from her friends that she did the same, but I wonder why she never turned them in – not until now.

Six pieces of paper are sitting on a bed-time table, staring at me. One is a note from her that says she’ll come by to pick up signed papers later this week … nothing else. No reminance of years we’ve spent together … no note of regret it had to end this way. No apology for a sudden decision. Well … it wasn’t sudden. Still, even after we’ve learned we can’t have kids, I had always hoped she would be the one I grew old with … she’d be the one I spend the last days of my life with. I abandoned that thought process long ago … for even my love began to crumble. I thought that I would never stop loving her; that she’d be the one for me for all eternity. But it is all a lie … and I finally understand. At one point, it becomes painful to wake up to her face. To see the long, fake eyelashes, the long, brown-colored hair, the wrinkles on her aging skin … those mornings are a grim reminder of what my life turned into. Forty five years old, childless, soon-to-be-divorced and empty old geezer … nothing to give me hope, nothing to offer me a straw of salvation. Envy … yes, one of the seven deadly sins has been present more so than others within my life. Envy of youth … of their innocent laughter, oblivious to the future

that will come after them. Who knows, though; maybe some of them might find everlasting happiness. It seems as if God has two baskets up there and he randomly places names in each one of them. If you’re lucky enough to wind up in a newer basket, you’ll be blessed with a lifetime of joy. If you fall into the second basket, you can know your life will turn into whithering realization sooner or later. Or maybe it’s just a curse placed by someone who liked me in high school … at the times like these, we often blame other people – or divine creatures – for our misfortune. Although, deep down, each and every one of us knows that we went wrong somewhere along the way. We, and we alone are to be blamed. As simple of a truth as that is, it’s also the most painful one to accept. To finally note that you’re guilty of what happened in your life is hard. That’s why we often say “It’s God’s choice” or “This is our destiny”. There’s no such thing as destiny or God … for if there were, our lives would be meaningless. I gave up on faith and hope the moment I heard “You can’t have children”. It’s not a God’s fault … why would he deprive his own children of joy of having a child? No … it’s because of us – because of something we did. Maybe it’s a gift; some people might just not be destined to be parents. Maybe Maria realized that long before … maybe that’s why she said “No”.

The slithering thoughts crawl through me as I sign the divorce papers. The end of my life as I know it. It’s frightening … but exciting at the same time. Maybe, just maybe, there’s still some hope for me … hope that I might relive some of my happiest moments once again, before death stretches its arms towards me.

THE GRIM REMINDER; THE JOYFUL REMINDER

It is cruel; no, it is beyond cruelty to have felt it. Seven years had passed since the day I gave birth to a dead child … and a little less before I learned that I can never have children again. Six years had passed since John left me for a woman with healthy womb; they already have a three year old kid. I can’t blame him, though. I always knew how much he loved children. While I was pregnant, he wouldn’t have let me do anything – he was there for me all the time. It must’ve struck him almost as hard as it did me when I learned I can’t have children anymore. Still, to be honest, I never gave too much thought about having a kid – not until I met John. A young boy with feverish face and gloomy look – but yet, the most gentle and kind person that had ever entered my life. From time to time, I still miss him. I miss his words of comfort, his warm touch. I have no family left, no friends to whine to; still, I am not alone. Each morning, exactly at 9 o’clock, my bell chimes. I always rush to open the doors; sometimes I even wait in front of them. His young, gloomy face doesn’t resembles John’s – but he somewhat became a reason I wake up in the morning. For a few months now, he’d always deliver me that day’s newspaper even though I never asked him to.

He’s still the same as ever; he’s waiting in his school outfit in front of my doors, with today’s newspaper entangled in his arms. He nods before coming in and going into the living room where I have already set up the breakfast and coffee. Somehow, around him, I feel like a mom; he taught me that, if I had a chance, it’d be a great one – in spite of all my flaws.

“No strawberries this morning?” he shouted; his voice, for a seventeen years old boy is quite deep and mature. Everything about him is mature, though.“Sorry, I ate the last ones last night. I’ll go get the new ones today.”“It’s okay” he muttered in his own fashion; I sat across him and started drinking my coffee. He never explained why he eats breakfast here, why he isn’t in school – and I’m afraid to ask. He brings a short moments of happiness in my life and, call me selfish, but I don’t want them to end.“How’s school going?”“The usual. Yesterday some dude from my class asked me whether I’m a transfer student. Talk about being a retard” we both chuckled for a moment; what he told me is only that no one notices him. Since he has six siblings, most of the time his parents don’t even realize he’s there. No one at school socializes with him – no one even knows his name. He tends to skip most of the classes but he still managed to finish all of them with quite high grades. “What will you do after high school?”“Who knows … probably kill myself.”“That’s not even funny.”“Heh … you must be thinking: Look at this high school kid … woe is him woe is him. He doesn’t know squat about life’s hardships and he still complains” he did quite good impression of my voice which made me laugh. I don’t think anyone before made me laugh so easily.

“Everyone knows life’s hardships. Just because ours differ doesn’t mean yours is any less painful.”“I don’t think anything can come close to your pain” he suddenly said, sitting next to me and leaning his head onto my shoulder; for some reason I didn’t shrug or move – could it be that he somehow knows.“What do you mean?” “You must call my mom gifted .. but, the truth is, she often yells out that she never wanted kids. It’s two sides of a same coin … yet, sometimes, she acts so arrogant I feel like breaking her leg.”“You mustn’t do that.”“I stopped thinking of her as my mother long ago … a mother like her was given a chance to have seven children … yet, someone as gentle, kind and caring as you was deprived of even having one. Don’t you think it’s unfair?”“How do you know?” I forcefully push him away and jump up. He’s opening scars; he might not be aware of it, but they’re swelling up again. “A broken soul recognizes another one” he gently hugged me, but still strong enough for me not to be able to break free “When I saw you the first time, about five years ago, I noticed you were staring at the baby shop. Soon you teared up and left running. At first, I thought you were some kind of a psycho … but, after I saw you again a few months ago, I realized what kind of pain you bear.”“Is that why you suddenly decided to start coming here? Out of pity?”“Pity? Nah … I’m not that considerate of a person. I yearned for a mother … and you yearned for a child” as he said that, he let go of me and sat down; the look in his eyes was the one of a wounded beast – not a seventeen years old kid “I thought … hey, if I become kind for a while, maybe I’ll finally feel the warmth of a person who looks out for you beyond anything else. I could finally eat the meal without bleeding for it … I could finally talk about my day at school without fear of getting kicked into a jaw. I liked that idea … idea of being needed … of being recognized.”“Wow …”“Told you … I’m quite selfish”

The kid that grew up in a cold home, with a loveless parents … of course he’d yearn. Of course he’d seek for mother’s love … but … why me? Is it just because I don’t have a kid?

“Still … you can’t go around, looking towards strangers as a replacement for your mother.”“I never thought of you as her replacement” he said, smiling gently “I thought of her as an abusive, dark queen to whom I was mistakenly given … while you were this gentle maid from whose arms I was taken. I quickly grew fond of you … even now I can’t explain, not even to myself, why. I guess … you just fit the picture in my head that I have – the picture of a perfect mother.”“Do you really think that life is that easy? That you can just switch families as you like it?” even though I didn’t mean it … even though I wanted to say he’s important to me as well … that I see him as my child as well … I couldn’t. He already has a mother – a family, regardless of what kind of family it is – he still has one.

“You are really kind. But a imaginative mother should never lie to her imaginative child” of course … of course he saw right through me. In front of him, I never hid myself. Even though I never bore open my scars … he knew all of them already. And I knew all of his. Without knowing anything about each other, we know each other so well. “What do you propose? I adopt you away?” “Ha ha” he broke in laughter which made me kind of angry; angry enough to gently flick him across his forehead – for some reason he laughed even harder after that “You know” he said, barely containing his desire to laugh some more “You can’t adopt something that is already yours, now can you?”“Ben ---““I promise I won’t be a burden” he said, getting up “I’m actually quite a smart kid, if you’ll believe it. If you are willing to mend my wounds … I promise to mend yours.”

At that time the bell rang once more; Ben asked “Waiting for someone?” and sat down again. I wasn’t expecting anyone; heck, I can’t remember the last time I talked to anyone beside Ben. I dashed towards the doors and slowly opened them; before me stood a familiar face, a face of a man I once loved – a face of a man whose child I once bore. John stood before my doors, with a sorrowful look in his eyes and a painful expression.

“Melly ---“ he muttered, reaching out with his arms towards me; no – go away … go away to your family. “What the hell are you doing here, John?” I said, evading his arms. “I … I realized I need you” he said, falling on his knees “I need you. Come back … please.”“John … you should go” I tried closing the doors but he didn’t allow me. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulders; it was gentle, too gentle to be that of the John.“Who might be this fella’?” Ben said, eating an apple.“Oh, this is John, my ex-husband.”“Oh, so this is the asshole that abandoned you when you needed him the most.”“I think … that’s a bit harsh, Ben.”“Who is this kid Melly?”“You let him call you Melly? Pft ---“ I wanted to laugh and smack him at the same time. “Who are you kid? Get lost.”“Huh? Why should I. I live here.”“Huh?” for some reason, the expression on John’s face was priceless as he thought we’re sleeping together.“Yeah, she’s my mom so it’s only natural.”“Don’t fuck with me … Melinda can’t have kids.”“Of course she can” I knew what Ben would do; my mind kept telling me to stop him, but my heart urged me not to. Ben kicked John in the face, forcing him to roll backwards “People like you disgust me. You dream of kids the entire lives … but once you get them you flip your tails and run back to the past. You need her? Don’t fuck with me. Where were you when she needed you? Huh?”“Alright son, it’s enough. Go back to your room.”

“I bet you always wanted to say that” he laughed, gave me a kiss on a cheek and ran off somewhere inside of my apartment. “As you can see … I’m busy raising an idiot so I can’t help you. Goodbye John.”

A boy that would heal my wounds … in return I have to heal his. Can we do it? Are we allowed to do it? Maybe … just … maybe God isn’t as cruel as he seemed at first.

THE FAREWELL

A long time ago, I thought a lot about killing myself. I realized no one was aware of my existence, of me as I am. Still … it might’ve been a God or just a pure coincidence, but I met someone that changed my life.

In her warm and gentle smile, I found a mother I so longed for. She died a long time ago, but I still remember her – I still remember what she did for a stranger … and what a stranger did for her. Ever since those days I’ve always considered her to be my mother. Each year, at the same time, deep in cold December, I visit her grave, alone. She’s my memory – she’s a part of me – she’s the reason I’m still here. I used to tell stories to my kids, now my grandchildren, about a woman that changed my life. At some point, they all get interested into knowing more about her – knowing more about a woman that created ‘loving Ben’. A mother without a child … no, that’s a lie. I was your son – maybe not by blood … but by heart, by soul and all I am – I am your child. You often told me that I’m a pride of your life … and even on your deathbed you smiled and said that you were glad to have taken a newspaper from me that day … and all the days ahead of that one. You taught me more than the life itself – you taught me about love, about care – you taught me about what life truly means – to be loved and to love someone so much it hurts. I loved you mom … may these tears of mine be a proof, if you need one. Your name … your existence will never be forgotten. I feel my end coming … these old bones began cracking … but they still come together, my whole spirit rekindles each year I visit your grave. I go back to the time I was a seventeen years old idiot … full of energy and strength. Without you, I’d be long gone … but, because of you, I had a life most people only dream of. I loved you … I love you … and I’ll love you – beyond life and death – for nothing can take us apart. In your arms I became a human … you gave me strength and hope, and for that I can never thank you enough. Never …

From Ben … to my beloved mother Melinda

If you only knew what you’ve given me … no, you know. Because of you I enjoyed my life … because of you I had no regrets. Because of you I was able to smile … just because of you my beloved child. I only wished I had met you much earlier … to have eased your pain way before you reached seventeen. You made your mother proud beyond a simple pride … and for that I’m beyond greateful. Thank you for your smiles … forgive me for your tears … and farewell to your kinder spirit.

From Melinda … to my most-beloved son Ben

THE BLANK PAGES IN MEMORY

They all had different lives – they all lived different stories. Neither of them shared the same pain or the same joy. Some of them grew old, in happiness … some of them died in sadness, in remorse. The wishful tears … and the blessed smiles. Those are the lives of humans; we, who are meant to spend our lives searching for our purpose. Lucky ones find it … some never even try … and some give up. Don’t give up. Search until the ends of the Earth and beyond. Life itself has no meaning – but what we do does. How we change people and the world around us – and how they change us. May it be love, pain, sorrow, joy or something else, we all bear the same thought in our mind – and we should never give up on it.