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November 25th, 2013 Volume 2, Issue 5

Artists are dumb. We do things that you shouldnt do. -Kenneth Goldsmith

Hypnosis Sally Klein

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HAPPENINGSNews, or something like it. Submit to us! thearmadillojournal@gmail.com

I Feel Weird.: Adventures onMDMAnow usually my choice of poison is a delectable bottle of tequila or cheap beer,

ive always consdiered myself a drinker and not a drugee. like brendan behan

once said im a writer with a drinking problem. Now I cant write real well

plastered, so I decided instead to try another way of getting intoxicated. I found

molly was really booming on campus and I managed to get my little claws on

a two capsuls (double of recomended dosage). I thought it would be a lot of

fun because Miley sings about it a whole bunch. It didnt taste very good, i was

licking it in the bathroom of chaus while my friend was taking a piss. I didnt

think anything was happening for a bit, i stood by the bar and pounded down

a couple of old styles. And then, maybe it was the brew, but something started

making feel funny. my body moved like a supermodel across the dance floor.

I wiggled myself into the wave of sweaty dudes and managed to see some

real packages, and then immediatly felt ovrwhelmed by the bodies. I mademy way up to the chaus stage where the squirlly DJ played angry angel music

and looked out over the crowd of limbs, a heavy humidity rising above them

condensating on the cieling and then dripping back down onto the crowd in big

gooey droplets of concerntrated lust-juice. It was utterly disgusting and I never

felt more enthralled. Above the waving arms and stomping feet, sprayed by

the sensual sweat I felt as though I were a god-king standing above a sacrifice,

overlooking hundreds of thousands of his worshipers. the next two days all i

wanted to do was sleep and cry.

Matt Armadillon, Gonzo Correspondent

Te News ickerThe Science Center toilets dont trust me to flush my own poop and they have

a good reason not to.

Theta Pi Gamma depletes entire Franzia supply of the upper mid-west.

Another sweaty-ass playaz ball.

BSC officers now to be conpensated by Flex Dollars.

Winter begins to settle in, the walk to commons becomes that much harder.

I know I shouldnt steal from Bon Appetit, but cmon. Its so easy.

Peet becomes the real art house.

Art house struggles.

Special interest houses accept new members. Maybe your wierd-ass roomate

is one of them.

No sand at Kontiki. What, spent your budget on nail polish for your hand

chair?

Students prepare to go home for another break. Have fun feeling estranged

from all your old friends.

Students receive news about their acceptance to study-abroad programs. You

cant escape forever.

SPOT THE RAT

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WORKSArt? Submit to us! Campus mail box 314

You Leave Burn Marks WithYour Fingers

Maya FurakawaMy lips locked between yours

like a puzzle

fingers interlaced with hair

Set me on fire

You kissed my collarbone

up the crevice in my neck

dipped down to the space

between my breasts

left kiss-shaped marks

like cigarette burns

Your fingers fit perfectly

into the little dimples

of my lower back

pressing down like buttons

heating the space

between

Your hand wrapped around my ribs

clicked into its niche betwixt

my rib bones and breast

It was made just for you

to hold, to heat

to burn

Your knees woven into mine

beneath the quilt

light fingers tracing

electric patterns

Your touch leaves burn marks

where youve sealed me to you.

For All LuminousnessIn the search for human connectivity, I decided to draw lines between the planets.

Were made of star stuff, Carl Sagan said, each life a gravitational conglomerate,

everything corporeal born of the collision of cosmic dust motes,

no Big Bang, but a crashing and clanging just the same,

Of pots and pans and wooden spoons, of scraped knees

and Wellington boots, and satchel bags for picture books.

The two of us were little more, wed come to learn, than filaments

of DNA wound together in inexorable sameness.

We were just these strands and the pencil marks on the doorframe distinguishing

us using disembodied numeralsour height, the date of measurement.

We hovered in that doorway, waiting for a comet to fall and weigh our planet

down. On the moon we would always be weightless: 16.5% of our Earthly mass.

You were taller than me in the sixth grade, and all

of the teachers muddled our names, until you were the statuesque

one, the final distinction, the polarity,

the side of the moon that smiles for all luminousness.

Jen Johnson

This morning my stove

was broken

i chewed coffee beans

theyre still stuck

between my gums

ill have to repeat it all

tomorrow

its been two weeks and

my stove is still

broken i wonder when

anyone will come fix it

BrokeHugo Alvarez

Saturday Rant Amelia arpey

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All Beds But My OwnThis Sunday

I woke up nested

on the cushions

of my friends couch,

a blanket knitted by her grandmother

to cover my cold toes

and my body up

to my collar bone.

The week before

I fell asleep

on Van Gelder velour

of a bus that was nearly empty,

my legs tired from running

around a town I barely knew

and sort of loved.

Before that I slept

in the cupboard

under the stairs

in a Pilsen hostel,

my bed adjacent

to that of a woman

from New York

who sold belts

made from riding bits.

She made me green tea

with milk and sugar,

so we talked about horses

until I left

for another bed

that wasnt my own.

Bethany Clarke

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7. Finally, once I have uploaded it to the blog, send a link to the site to your special person.

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MotherA heavy fog sunk into her pockets

as she unwound the day into dusk

and the blue in the sky

slipped out for a rest

She drew a blanket over

peeping eyes,

warmed little fingers outstretchedfrom lonely trees

sprinkled like melon seeds.

I watched her breath

whir

in the blades of grass

rippling through papery leaves

the same breath that will

tear down the mountains.

Eyelids grew heavy

and she smiled, reassuredbatting hands,

exhaled in the

tenuous moments of quiet.

She waited,

promised the sun would rise.

The ones that never listen,

their lights keep her awake.

Awake with the noise and the motion of

those who forget her

with every subsequent breath.

Lucille espa

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i like to paint

paint is good

i need more paint

i run out

i make more fun

pls help more

paint

im good man

2 wifes

2 kids2 dogs

strong like bull

Paint ShitAnonymous

I was supposed to hang out with a friend from long ago but he cancelled last

minute. So now Im reading outside drinking gluten-free beer which is better,

anyway, I said.

What could be better, he said.

Someone to share it with, I said, or oppositely, more isolation, no people

for miles.

Both sound equally preferable, he said.

Im not sure, I said. I need to get out of the house and produce something

and live a little more. Ive been deep inside my head all day.

I feel a similar way, he said. I think I havent taken enough vitamin blank

today.

Lets drive to the country and have a midnight picnic and say pretty words

and make friends with a mountain lion, I said.

Im not opposed to that. Could always use more mountain lions on my side,

he said. Im pretty unfamiliar with the country, though, do you know of the

right spots?

Oh yes, Ive lived out there, I said.

Well then I trust you, he said. Do you actually want to go?Well kind of, I said.

Well is that enough to get you out? he said.

Hmm, I said, yes.

Okay, he said. Should I come by around eleven?

Yes plz, I said.

Alright, he said. Pack some picnic supplies.

ext Message Conversation Re-ormatted as Dialogue

ess Childress

The big sexy cowboy who opens the door at Bootz.

You opened the door for me Friday night.

So nice and polite,

sexy smile and beautiful green eyes.

Watching you ride the bull was fantastic,

my friends and I couldnt stop talking about you.

We talked alittle as you opened the door.

I tripped and you caught me in your arms.

I was so embarrassed, cant wait to stop in and see you again.

Maybe next time Ill muster the courage to talk to you more :)

P.S. You have an amazing ass.

I just wanna give it

a squeeze

Sexy Cowboy at Bootz - w4m -24 (Oak Creek)

Mark Conway

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PerspectivesRamblings. Were on Facebook! /thearmadillojournal

My Only Experience withStraight Porn

Erik CarlsonSo Ive realized that I accidently see gay porn all the time, this week it hap-

pened in java joint. However Ive never seen straight porn. I enlisted my local

straight friends to give me a rundown of straight porn. Together we watched

some interesting things and I learned lots about a whole new world of straight

porn.

First I found out that MILF porn is a thing. Who knew? Mothers do

porn too! Its a terrifying thought but hey whatever pays the bills. Ive never

seen DILF porn but that should be a thing too. In my one experience with

straight porn I saw many terrifying things, to me, but I also found something I

would love to try. I saw a wonderful clip of two people of the opposite sex do-

ing the deed with pizza involved. So I might be a tiny girl but I love to eat and I

love to have sex. Thus why not combine the two! Who doesnt want to eat andfuck, especially with pizza! Mac and Cheese could make a good substitute.

What I found most interesting was the Celebrity Porn. After seeing

Teen Mom Farrah doing her thing followed by Kim Kardashian and Ray J, I

think there is a niche market for celebrities to do gay porn. Im not sure who

to recruit to get it done but this needs to happen. I want to watch bad porn of

some queer celebrities touching butts. Queers deserve some bad celebrity gay

porn just as much as straights. Thats really equality people.

To conclude my foray into the world of straight porn was mostly

lack luster and I feel worse for straight people then I ever did before. There

was no bubble butts or cute boys and I almost feel asleep to the bad music and

awful acting. Also boy moans are so much sexier. I learned so much but

lets be real, thank god for the queers.

I have not read Cormac McCarthys novel, so I cannot compare it to the 2009 film,

and nor should I, for faithfulness to its source material is not a prerequisite for a

good movie. I suppose I am only saying this to make it clear that I cannot and will

not be judging this story as McCarthys, but as I have seen it in this movie.

The narrative of The Road is simple enough: a nameless Man (Viggo

Mortenson) and his son (Kodi Smit-McPhee) are traveling through a post-

apocalyptic wasteland. They have a destination though mere survival might be the

real destination, as the coast seems to have no significance other than a place to go.

Translating this from prose to cinema might be difficult considering the scarcityof dialogue, but the film succeeds due to such strong performances and striking

visual realism.

Everything is a brownish-grey in this portrait of America, and it feels

as disgusting as it looks. To fit with this bleak landscape the pacing is deliberately

slow, which causes some drag in the narrative, especially at the beginning. But it

doesnt stay that way too long as the themes of the story soon develop.

The Road is a story of moral relativism. Throughout the story, the boy

continually asks his father if they are the good guys, to which the father always

answers in the affirmative, but calls the audience to question this response.

They live in a world ravaged by some cataclysmic event that is left

unexplained, but has left little life on earth, plant, animal, or otherwise. The rules

have clearly changed, there is no civilization left, and people have to do whatever

they can to survive. The film just continually forces us to ask how far it is okay fo

people to go to protect themselves and their loved ones. As strong a role morality

plays in this, it is important to note that tales such as this must focus on the relation

ship between the characters. This must be the core of the story, the focal point, and

the place where all the raw emotions are held. This is where the movie falls a little

short. I saw the relationship, I understood the relationship, I believed the relation

ship, I just didnt feel it as much as I wanted to. I dont know if there was anyon

to blame for this; the script was appropriately sparse, the actors filled in the space

with a connection that can be seen, when not heard. But in the end it doesnt comeoff as powerfully as it needs to.

3.5/5

Overheard at Beloit

Te Library Review: Te RoadMatt Seibert

Tey like, havent had ranch or two days and Im

about to give up. Female student in Commons

Youre a Sagittarius? Tats ucked up. Female on Art House Porch

I tried adderall once- never again. Male

Shes a KD her name is Brooke or Danielle or some

shit like that. Student in Java Joint

Lets make a list o all the thirsty people at Beloit! Male student to riends

Te purity ring app on my iPhone hasnt been work-ing! Student in commons

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Candy Unboxing and Review: Tootsie Pop Drops Like those youtube videos, but in print!Hey everyone,

Today Ill be unboxing and reviewing Tootsie brand Tootsie Pop Drops: Tootsie

Pops WITHOUT the Stick. I wasnt able to find any regional or obscure candy,

but these seem interesting. Hopefully theyre like Gushers, but with Tootsie Roll

inside instead of goop. Also, Tootsie Roll Industries is based in Chicago, so I still

feel that this is a bit regional. Anyway, here we go:

The packaging is nice. It seems like Tootsie took a page from Reeses

book here, as it is mostly orange and yellow. The Pop Drops pictured on the front

(blue, red, and purple here) look like theyre flying off of the box and right at you.

Along with those three flavors, Ill be trying chocolate and raspberry. The red

(cherry) drop has a section cut away so that you can see its brown center. While

its nice that theyre showing you whats inside, the edges of the broken drop look

jagged and inorganic. This is concerning. It might mean that the exterior will be

hard candy. Well just have to see, though. I just noticed that Tootsie has included

their iconic red and white stripes on the sides of the box. Very cool! Im a bit disap-

pointed by the absence of the cool retro/vintage artwork usually present on Tootsie

Pop wrappers. Lets open this thing up.

Im having a bit of a difficult time getting the box open. The layers ofthe paper flaps keep separating and tearing without really moving in the way I want

them to. Okay, its finally open. I kind of suspected this would be the case, but its

still disappointing to see that the candy itself is inside of a small bag. This sack

is pretty small, silver, and looks like it was meant to hold pop tarts or rat poison

or something like that. Theres no writing on it, which makes it seem like Tootsie

figured most people would have already purchased their product before looking at

this thing. This is a little bit frustrating, and is leading me to question my choice of

candy. If youre not going to make people spend money on your product, at least

include your logo, a riddle, or a joke on the interior packaging. Enough complain-

ing, I want to know that these things taste like.

Wow, these are much different than I thought they would be. Theyr

hard, and definitely not gummies like I had hoped for. Ill try the Blue Raspberry

first. Huh, I dont really know what to say here. It tastes like Blue Raspberry. Im

feeling impatient, so Ill just bite it and see what weve got in the center. Okay. Im

really, really unsatisfied. There isnt much roll in the middle, and its just I don

even know. This Pop Drop thing seems really lacking/now I feel nothing. Lets try

chocolate next.

The chocolate drop is exactly like a classic chocolate Tootsie Pop mi

nus the size and stick. Im honestly at a loss here. I think the only occasions I

ever had Tootsie pops were after getting a haircut, and on Halloween. Ive neve

felt compelled to actually spend my money on them. This chocolate doesnt even

taste like chocolate. The only reason I know this thing is chocolate is because it

brown, and couldnt possibly pass for any sort of fruit even in a world where Blu

Raspberry is a thing.

Im done here. More and more Im beginning to realize that the only

think I really liked about Tootsie pops was the stick. Twirling them in my mouth

and using them to make obnoxious noises was essentially the only reason I liked

them. Those things were fun, but this candy isnt. Maybe Tootsie will read thistake what I have to say into consideration, and create a lollipop without a stick or

hard candy. Oh wait, they already do: Theyre called Tootsie Rolls, and theyre

bottom tier sucky junk.

.5/7 Smiles

Elishua Kurtz

A helpful image, according to this author.

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