THE BIG RED DESERT PENAL COLONY

Proposed New Colony

LOCATION:-20.680972, 139.511068(or roughly thereabouts)

SIZE:5 Hectares

ATTRACTIONS:None. (unless sand and rock are your thing…then there’s plenty).

It is well known that the glorious Aerican Empire has many enemies. I propose we have a colony where we can store these people until we know what the Penguins want to do with them.

This proposed colony would be a perfect site as it is surrounded on all sides by impenetrable desert and the ubiquitous deadly Australian fauna, the most horrific of which is the little known “Fat Naked Hairy Miner” or FNHM for short.

PROPOSAL:

Much like their more well known cousins the Yeti and Sasquatch , they are covered head to toe in dense hair, usually of a thick black curly variety. The FNHM is fortunately far less well known or understood than it’s more famous cousins.

The FNHM is a large and meaty creature, very round across the abdomen, possibly from a constant diet of pizza, burgers and cheap beer, (XXXX and Carlton Draught seem to be favourites). They have evolved to the point of crude but creative urinal wall graffiti and primitive communication consisting of catcalls, basic bastardised English and rudimentary obscenities.

They are rarely seen alone in their native habitat, preferring to congregate in larger numbers in enclosed areas. They communicate by passing gas and waving their exposed genitalia in each others direction while laughing and making obscene gestures. This seems to indicate that they are highly social animals, ambiguously sexually orientated and afraid of direct sunlight and fresh air.

By their indescribably foul odour and appearance, I have determined that they may be dangerous and should not be closely approached. In no circumstances should you try to feed them.

THE FNHM

THE PROPOSED AREAThe proposed area is a 5 hectare zone surrounded by impenetrable desert and rocky ridges; all filled with a wonderful mix of deadly venomous snakes and spiders, vicious kangaroos and dingoes and of course the elusive FNHM. What better place is there to dump all our ‘invited guests of state’?

To top off this wonderful desert paradise, there is a wealth of sunlight; 220 days of it a year in fact. And if the abundant sunlight becomes too much, there are tropical storms and monsoonal rain with the chance of flash flooding and the odd cyclone from November to March.

CONCLUSIONS

It is my humble opinion that by adding this new colony to the glorious Aerican Empire we are gaining a convenient place to stash our unwelcome guests, (not limited to spammers and email hackers). Those who wish to study the FNHM in its natural habitat are also welcome.

With a little preparation, it would also be a wonderful place to ride out any forthcoming zombie apocalypse. If they get this far then the world is pretty much screwed anyway and we would all be better off on Mars.