The The Child AdvocateChild Advocate

Building Strong Building Strong Parent/Child Parent/Child RelationshipsRelationships

November 2008 Issue 3, Volume 17

Understanding the WASL... What are Washington’s standards for student learning? What are the new graduation requirements?

This workshop does NOT include how to pre-pare for the WASLs, what questions are on the tests, or how to boost your child’s score.

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Balancing Work, Family and Volunteering 3

Making Time for Family Time 4

After-School Activities: How much is too much? 5

Avoiding Volunteer Burnout 6

10 Tips for Talking With Teens 7

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a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine

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Call today 1-800-562-3804 to schedule your workshop!

The Child Advocate is published online every month from September through June by the Washington State PTA, 2003 65th Avenue West, Tacoma, WA 98466-6215, (253) 565-2153 or toll free: (800) 562-3804 (Statewide), Fax: (253) 565-7753, Email: wapta@wastatepta.org, Website: www.wastatepta.org. Contributors are welcome. Call the State PTA office for guidelines. Whenever PTA is used it also refers to PTSA. PTA is a registered trademark of the National Congress of Parents and Teachers.

Laura Bay, Washington State PTA President Bill Williams, Washington State PTA Executive Director

Karen Fisker-Andersen, Editor

Family-School Partnerships Resource Available Through PTA

Contents

Parent to Parent:

Success for Every Child

Family involvement promotes student success. And there’s more than 30 years of re-search to back that up.

No matter what their family income or background may be, students with involved parents are more likely to: Earn higher grades and test scores; be promoted, pass their classes, and earn credits; attend school regularly; have

better social skills; show im-proved behavior, and adapt well to school; graduate and go on to postsecondary edu-cation. PTA offers a flexible means to develop strong family-school partnerships and involve the greater com-

munity. PTA’s process for building successful partnerships is grounded in the National Stan-dards for Family-School Partnerships and con-sists of three basic steps:

Raising awareness about the power of family and community involvement

Taking action to cultivate involvement through specific programs, practices, and poli-cies.

Celebrating success as your school sees increased involvement and its impact.

Discover the “Power of Partnerships” by downloading the resource available at http:/ /pta.org/family_school_partnerships.asp.

Save the Date Convention 2009

May 1-3, 2009

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DoubleTree Hotel

T he key to balancing your life is establishing your priori-ties. Take some time to write out in order of most important to least important all the areas that take up your time, such as: family, work, fitness, spiritual growth, friends, personal time, volunteering, housekeeping, running errands, cooking, returning phone calls, organizing playdates, paying bills, etc.

Next, take a hard look at how you are actually spending your time. Is your life currently prioritized in the way you would like it to be? Are you allowing yourself to be interrupted while doing things at the top of your list by things at the bottom of your list?

Prioritizing Each Day

Start each day by making a “to do” list of all the things you need to do today. Label each of these items with the level of prior-ity.

Keep in mind that there will be times when work or volunteer work will need more attention, especially when you are working on a big project, or times when something unexpected happens that requires your attention, but these should be exceptions rather than the rule. Prioritizing offers the framework for your day, but it still requires some flexibility.

Identify Short-Term and Long-Term Goals Make some specific goals for yourself in the key areas of your

life: spending time with family, volunteering, fitness and health, spiri-tual/personal growth, career/professional growth, household tasks, time with friends, etc. For example, a goal for work might be to leave the office on time each day so you can be home for dinner with your family. Specific plans to help you reach this goal might include: making mini-deadlines throughout your day to help you stay focused to achieve specific tasks; do your most difficult task first, when you are most likely to have focus and energy; scheduling time to answer emails and return phone calls; and planning meetings earlier in the day so they won’t run into your scheduled time to go home.

At the beginning of each week, get your calendar and make concrete plans to achieve your goals in each area of your life. Pencil in time for your highest priorities first, and go on through the list. Be sure to include a time to work on long-term goals as well.

Be realistic in your planning. If you find that there is not enough time to do all the things you’d like to do, then look again at your goals. You may need to cut back on your expectations, simplify your life a bit by cutting back on your activities, or find ways to dele-gate or combine activities. For example, a fitness goal might be to exercise three times a week. This may be done during your lunch

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Balancing Work, Balancing Work, Balancing Work, Family & VolunteeringFamily & VolunteeringFamily & Volunteering

hour at work, or walking around the track while your child is at soc-cer practice. Changing Habits

Identify all the bad habits that take your energy and pose as obstacles to keeping your life balanced. Write these habits down and post it to help you remember. Some examples might be: • Never say “yes” on the spot, say instead that you need to think

about it first. • Don’t skimp on time for yourself. You need it in order to have

energy for the other things you need to do. • If you find yourself overwhelmed with piles of paper, make a habit

of going through the mail the moment you pick it up and immedi-ately toss what you don’t need and file the bills that need to be paid. Rip out articles from magazines that you want to read, and place the articles in a file of things to read, then toss the magazine.

• Take a list with you to the store. This will eliminate the impulse purchases that you don’t need and tend to clutter up your home.

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• Make a double-batch of meals whenever you cook, and place the batch you will not eat tonight in the freezer to be heated up quickly on another evening.

• Put things away after using them. Don’t place them on the counter to put away later.

• Take things in from the car each time you come into the house from the car. Train your kids to do this as well.

• Let go of the urge to keep a perfect house. • Give items to charity that you haven’t used in a year. To facilitate

this process, establish a clothes hamper reserved only for donations and sort items to this hamper as you come across them.

• Make a list of all the phone calls you need to make and schedule some time to do that.

• Combine your errands, so you can get everything done at once, rather than taking several smaller trips.

• Don’t expect success overnight. It takes time to form new habits. If you find yourself falling into old habits, correct yourself and keep trying.

your daughter giving each other pedicures and talking about what’s going on in her life; or playing ball with your son at a local park.

• If you really can’t find time to spend time together, then it’s probably time to cut back on the activities a bit. Time is a gift that you can never reclaim—seize the opportunity to enjoy your life together.

W hether it’s your son’s soccer practice, your daugh-ter’s jazz choir, or your spouse’s job, it seems like it’s so difficult today to enjoy a family dinner together on week-days. If you are in a situation where evening activities are taking you in different directions, consider other ways you can build your family time: • If you can’t have dinner together, then get up a bit

earlier, make pancakes and have a hearty breakfast together.

• Do your best to schedule at least a few weekday evenings to all be home for a family dinner. Be sure to make the most of it by turning off the telephone and television during this special time.

• Find time each weekend to do something together as a family. Don’t wait until everyone has their home-work done—instead intentionally carve out some time to watch a movie at home, bake cookies, go for a walk, visit a museum, go to the park, play a board game, volunteer at a church food bank or a commu-nity soup kitchen, watch the stars come out, or whatever inter-ests your family.

• Spend an hour every Saturday doing household chores as a family. Kids need to learn to contribute to the family. It’s not only helpful in teaching responsibility, but it also helps kids learn valuable life skills.

• Do something special with each child at least once a month. This can be as simple as spending an evening at home with

Making Time for

Family Time

a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine

M any children and teens are so busy with extra-curricular activities that they are having dinner in the car going from one activity to the next, leaving them with no time to relax and talk about their day with their parents in the evening. In fact, these kids often need to immediately get started on homework when they get home from their after-school activities so they are not up too late doing homework. The result of this busyness is stress, sleep deprivation, poor nutrition, and a breakdown communication and the family relationships that are so important to children and teens.

Studies show an increase of stress-related ailments in students, including headaches, stomachaches, sleep disturbances, drug additions, eating disorders and depression. Additionally, when a student doesn’t get enough sleep, he is easily distracted and doesn’t perform his best in school. There has also been an increase in caffeinated beverages marketed towards younger students, and schools are seeing more inci-dents of cheating. How can we help our young people reclaim their lives? Following are a few tips to consider: • Don’t try to create a superchild. Find what your child genuinely

enjoys and sign your child up for that activity. Your child will be happier if you don’t make her take extracurricular lessons in things she doesn't enjoy. If your child hasn’t found her passion yet, try one activity at a time until she finds what she loves. Remember that life is a journey to be enjoyed, not a race to the finish line!

• Don’t feel guilty if your child’s friend is doing more activities than him. By doing less, you have the opportunity to lead a more relaxed lifestyle that lends itself to building good rela-tionships, which is something that all children and teens truly desire. A more relaxed lifestyle will give you time to enjoy family activities, communicate your values with your children and teach them life skills, such as teaching your children how to cook, mow the lawn or change the oil on a car.

• Accept your children for who they are. Put aside your dreams of them being gifted students or talented athletes. Encourage them to simply be the best they can be. If you try to make your child something that she is simply not, then life will be difficult for both you and your child. These efforts may pre-

How much is too much for your kids?

After-School Activities…

How much is too much for your kids?

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V olunteers are the lifeblood of PTA. The selfless giving of their time leads to better schools, stronger families, and healthier kids. Further, studies show that families involved in their children’s education have students who experience greater school success than children whose parents are not involved.

To be a truly effective organization, PTA needs to draw from a strong base of volunteers to run its programs and events. No one person should be the “super-volunteer1” who does everything. Every volunteer needs to find balance in their lives, and those who don’t often experience volunteer-burnout.

To avoid burnout, decide how much time each week you can volunteer, while maintaining time with your family and enough time for other areas of your life.2 When the PTA is looking for volunteers, offer your services up to the limit you have established, then say no to anything beyond that.3 You can always volunteer for that activity another year.

If you are a natural leader and feel comfortable putting in more hours, that’s great, but don’t overdo it. Delegate tasks when-ever possible so you can focus your time and skills doing things that other people cannot. It is important to note that when delegat-ing tasks to others, give those individuals the freedom they need to do these tasks in the ways they see fit.

Volunteering often brings unexpected and gratifying rewards to individuals who offer their time and talents. There is a place for every individual to make a difference for kids in their community. Footnotes: You can Find More Time for Yourself Every Day by Stephanie Culp, Betterway Books, Cincinatti, OH 1994.

vent your child from trying new things due to fear of not living up to your perfectionist expectations. Celebrate each child’s unique traits. Look for gifts that may be overlooked by others—such as being a hard worker, resilient, compassionate or creative. Don’t compare your child’s talents with those of their siblings, neighbors or friends.

• Take care of your own needs. If your entire life revolves around your children, not only will you be tired and cranky,

your children will not learn to manage their own lives. • Watch your attitude. As parents we all want our children to feel loved and to belong, but if we start cutting down other people’s children, are critical of other families’ decisions, or find ourselves unable to congratulate another child for a job well done, then an attitude adjustment is needed. Equally troubling are parents who need to constantly boast about their child’s achievements. This approach doesn’t succeed in helping those children fit in, it only further alien-ates them from their peers. • Teach your children to be thankful for what they have, and always be kind to others. • Seek family activities that have no external reward. Help out a neighbor or bring a dinner to someone who is alone. This not only builds bonds within your family, but it helps children realize that

life isn’t all about them. Not everything they do has to be achievement-oriented. Sometimes the most important lessons involve doing something kind for another person without receiving recognition.

• Finally, don’t forget that kids need downtime—to think, read, talk to their friends, listen to music. It helps them discover their interests and it helps them cope with the stressful events that occur in their lives.

a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine

Avoiding Volunteer BurnoutAvoiding Volunteer Burnout

The Child Advocate, November 2008 7

A dolescents exasperate us. Most don’t converse easily like adults. They seem driven to escape, or make us miserable. You’d think we were their natural enemies! Yet as parents, family, or friends, we can successfully communicate with youth. Let me suggest ten tested tips. 1. Be direct: Be up front. Tell them you feel about the death, divorce, or illness of someone you or they may know. “I’m devastated, or not surprised, or saddened by what’s happened to whomever.” No need to beat around the bush with older youth. Tell it like it is. Be courageous enough to talk about the unspeakable. 2. Stick to the present: As a father, I couldn’t resist, “Now when I was a boy -” but our adolescents’ eyeballs scrolled up, and their minds seemed to close down. If the past is boring, the future is terrifying to a youth getting old enough to drive or vote or serve in battle. When our daughter was nine she said, “When I grow up I want to be a teenager.” And when she was a teenager it was hard to get her to talk about life after high school. So what is there to talk about in the present? Plenty. Music, clothes, cars, hair styles, cell phones, movies, and internet games, to name a few. 3. Deal with feelings: Tune in on the feelings behind the words. George, a fireman, told a class of new foster parents that he can only remember 10 words from his third foster home in four years. This was after his father floated away in an alcoholic gutter. George was skipping rocks on the banks of a lazy river. After hanging out the wash, his foster mother came over, put a tired hand on his drooping

shoulder and said, “Gee, it must have been tough when your mother died.” Though he said nothing to her at the time, he will treasure her heartfelt words for a lifetime. The gift of empathy is priceless. 4. Tolerate disagreements: A good clean argument stirs everyone’s juices and helps a teenager in his or her struggle for iden-tity to feel like a real person. Since disagreements are inevitable for those breaking away towards adulthood, why not value the courage of their expression. When you set clear boundaries, you can expect controversy. That is not a sign of disrespect. Just be sure as a par-ent you keep it a respectful dispute. 5. Clarify reality: “I worry about drinking and driving, and the potential for sex when you’re away from home so much or at parties.” “Violence happens in groups of youth.” “The agreement was you’d be home by 11. It’s midnight and I couldn’t sleep. I was so worried about an accident.” Or, “I don’t want you to stay up all night cramming for a final. It’s hard to learn much after midnight, and you need your mind for that essay tomorrow.” Remember, teens don’t always think straight. In fact, sometimes they don’t think. Give them your perspective, with diplomacy. 6. Share yourself: Remember the feast the father threw in the Bible when his prodigal son returned. Gift youth with your time and energy. Be real. Contribute your considered opinions about love and marriage, the meaning of real success in life. You have feelings about war, death, taxes, local and national politics. Our kids know our prejudices. Our philosophy shows in our liv-

By Ed Crouch

101010 Tips for Tips for Tips for Talking Talking Talking With With With TeensTeensTeens

The Child Advocate

Washington State PTA

2003 65th Avenue West Tacoma, WA 98466-6215

VISION: “Making every child’s potential a reality.”

MISSION: PTA is:

■ A powerful voice for all children, ■ A relevant resource for families and communities, and ■ A strong advocate for the education and well-being of every child.

The Washington State PTA accomplishes the mission of PTA by ■ Speaking on behalf of children and youth in the schools, in the

community, and before governmental bodies and other organizations that make decisions affecting children;

■ Supporting parents* in developing skills to raise, protect and advocate for their children; and

■ Encouraging parent* and community involvement.

* Parent may include adults who play an important role in a child’s family life since other adults (grandparents, aunts, uncles, or guardians) may carry the primary responsibility for a child’s health, welfare, education and safety.

Website: www.wastatepta.org Email: wapta@wastatepta.org

a Washington State PTA parent involvement publication

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Phone: (253) 565-2153 or 1-800-562-3804 Fax: (253) 565-7753

ing. Give it words. In the process, you give young people the green light to bare their frightened heart. 7. Avoid questions: When our younger children came home from school we always asked them, “How was school today?” Over milk and cookies, our daughter might talk with her mother for half an hour. But with many it’s “How was school today?” “Fine.” “Well, what did you do?” “Nothing” – heard by frustrated parents all over America. When questions fail, stop asking questions. If they return from school sullen, resist the temptation to greet them with “What’s wrong?”, but rather, “I hope every-thing’s OK.” You haven’t put them on the spot and they know you know something’s up. Instead of asking them about their bad day, tell them about your horrible (or great) day. Model the behavior you want to encourage. It will rub off even if it takes time. 8. Avoid silences: Many grownups chatter nerv-ously through lulls in conversation. Teenagers may or may not do that. Frequently they don’t know how they feel or what to say. Still-ness can be excruciating. If you’re driving somewhere with a youth, and you think the quiet may be uncomfortable, allow them to fill the void with their choice of music at a tolerable volume. If they like sports and you as a parent could care less, read up on their sport of choice. Surprise yourself by having a meaningful conversation about an important slice of their life. 9. Don’t stare: Remember, teens by nature are slightly paranoid of us adults. They may be leery of touch. Contrary to the adult wis-dom of maintaining eye contact, avoid staring at adolescents. As a family counselor I recommend doodling, fiddling with a paper clip, or offer to play cards. It’s much less threatening if a self-conscious teen doesn’t have to worry you can see through their eyes into their very soul. 10. Give praise: One lad said proudly to his Dad, “Dad, I beat the captain of the tennis team!” “Some captain,” the father teased.

Deeply hurt, the stormy youth served back, “Some Dad!” One grandmother said of her granddaughter’s first loaf of baked bread, “Jennifer, you’re the best cook in the world.” Whereupon Jennifer rushed from the table in tears. On her way upstairs for the night she shouted down, “I am not. Mom is!” We all need strokes. The trick is to find palatable praise. In the first example, “You must be proud of yourself,” would have worked. And in the second, remember no one can argue you out of a good clean message like, “I loved that bread, Jennifer.” Try on these ten tips, one a week, for ten weeks. You will expand your capacity to love young people. Success will make you feel more worthwhile. In the process you will have helped youth overcome their fear of life. Ed Crouch, MSW was a social worker at Ryther Child Center in Seattle for 10 years. He has also maintained a private practice of adult and child therapy, marriage and family counseling for 37 years