THIS PAGE DEDICATED TO G. R. MocMINN

NO RIVET THIS YEAR

THE COLD SCREW NOW ' EAR THIS

(1111 tile News TII(Jt's Unlit to Print J Caltech-Scr;pps Union Success

Jerchoff Artificial Insemination Produces First Test Tube Baby, " It" 'H.ot FL.'lsh. The first child to be conceived by the new artificial

insemination Cal tech-Scripps formula has just been test-tubed, it was announced by the proud Caltech Biology Department at Jerchoff Hall, parents of the ulndividual." It is an "It," was the only revealing information released by the department. Pictures of the pregnant Testubes holding its four siblings may be seen

Seniors The Humanities Department

,·egrets to inform the Class of 1950 of the following facts:

I. No member of the Class of 1950 will pass History 10 (Constitu tion) this year be­cause of the low quality of the work submitted so far.

2. Therefore, there will be no degrees granted in 1950.

3. Seniors desiring to grad­uate may return to school in the fall of 1950 fOr a special H -lO course, upon successful completion of which the B.S. degree will be granted.

John A. Schultz, Ph.D.

Mars-Monsters Attack CIT Via Spatial Soaring Saucer Revered Drs. Senator McCarthy Blames Russians;

Dean Jones Shrieks "Keep Calm!"

S V be At 2:55 this afternoon Ihe Caltech campus was invaded by pew er lage a horde of "men" from Mars when lheir flying disc space ship slruck beloved Throop Hall, symbol of c.1. T. scientific and en­

Tech authorities who have gineering genius_ been interviewed about the re- ~=-:-==~~=-:=------~ Barku·ians cent landing of the flyi ng sau­cers were apprehensive of the vast implications of their land­ing.

Said authorities in terviewed: Bea n Accoste .. 'Vrong: It's a

plo t by MIT to lure the fresh­men way; byt the way, did you know that Techmen partiCipated in"99 441100% more of anything or anybody than students at a nearby state reform school ?

Fossil. Support

Saucer Theory Dr. Justa Crock, head of the

[nstitute's Department of Pa le­ontology and Pornography, has announced the identification of fossil form s taken from the new su b-basemen t of Robinson (the 217th) as "undoubtedly and ir­revocably fossil fl ying saucers."

The original theory as to the origin of the strange, hyper-ellip­~oida l spheres was that they were coprOlites of a huge, extinct sloth like dinosaur. (Coprolites are fossilized ed. note: delete that word).

There \Vas a

Apparently the visiting bar­barians lost con trol of their ship as it crashed through the third stol·y wall of Throop Hall into a panic-s tricken group of Fresh­men drawing students. Instruct 01' Dan Miller, his cigar undam aged, led his s tudents from thl disaster scene to the secone flOor head ... and safety. A1 yet, no casua lties have been re ported, although several B&G men are s till missing: however i t is believed that they will turn up by 5 o'c lock today.

Twenty UThings"

G&B --* Award Semenar Derives

'Vill i hUl·ts-Hiz-st.ein, promi­nent plumbing entrepeneur con­nected with the [ns titute, had this to say: "To arms, men! We must protect the ice plant from the Invade,,! And remember th is: Rest today, for tomorrow you may be tired! We're send­ing a bil l of 314,159.00 dollars to the Invaders for breaking the second-story Throop window, knocking off one brick, and up­rooting ten ice plants. Of this $314.158.00 was for labor."

Dr. ~tilk Can, eminent physic­ist, made the following state­ment: "When I was a boy we lived on the farm; . . . by the time I was 18 years old I could chin myself 92 times . . . Then came the oil-dropped experiment (Continued on All the Females)

The import of this news is ter­rific, inasmuch as the believed age of the deposits conta ining the fossils is middle·upper-lower

The strange crew of about 2C creatures left the injured ship and began roaming at large over our fair campus. Several were a pprehended devouring the Tech· cu ltivated ice-plant in front of Throop Hall, and it took stup­endous strength on the part of Officer Newton to prevent further

LAND ON THROOP

Campus Cfllendar TH URSDAY (YESI TODAY)

12 :00 Upper Class lunch~n Club " Is Sex Necessary? or " Be a Neuter SU1ter"

7 :30 Beginni!"O Dancing 8 :30 Advancing 9:30 Oooh!

FRIDAY (TODAY) 7 :30 Demonstration I~cture---Hallbut

Psmith and As.soclates 8 '30 Fleming ' Fellows' P,uty-

. Pershing Square . 8 :30 Ricketts Gar~!" Part,y-BrInO

your own daISies. 8 :30 Dabney Ding Dong Party 8 '30 Blacker Slumber Party.-Lounoe

unjRDAY (Tomo"ow .. nd T~",OI'''w' 3:00 Caltech at .Oxy-Varslty

Jock-Strapping . 8'00 ASCIT Spring Soctal-

. Orgastic Feastival MeSS(. Davis, Me. .

8:30 Throop Club Barn Oance-In 201 Bridge

SUNDAY (Rest Today f.r) 10 :00 Prayer Meetlno--Board Room­Bring chtps, gla.sse.s, and hymnals

11:00 Prayer Meetll'~-Tunnel- . I TH E Rev. George Manham wll . preside: "In Memodum of Saint Hall and Saint Hendric.kson."

8:00 Film Classics-liThe BIrth of ~ Nation or " Mother Wore Tights I UNCUT)

MONI)AY 8:00 Infirmary-Free Wasserman

Tests. 8 :00-9:30 Fin"ls

TU ESDAY 12 :00 Frosh Luncheon S!uWb-

h t IS <'.xi'''

Harvey Eagleson, a .H'

WEDNESDAY 1 :30 Organ Redtal- Hunter Mead­

BYOL. 9:00 Wheee Clu~rogram to be

Announced THURSDAY

End of Finals-WHEEWI See your nearest bar for your best en­tertainment

Rf lDAY . . '" :30 Senior Egestlon Ceremonies

-Bring your own cap and gown SATURDAY-The LCKt U .. t' W .. b n4 SUNDAY. Goddamlt , Go Homel

To Be Given F:mA~!~t ~.o:o':~.~~st. at

The Cal tech Geldings and Browns Department has an­nounced a new fellowship to be presented next year to the lazi­est underclassman of the year, according to Bilious X. Hertzhis­stein, G&B head loafer.

The judgment on this award will be based upon the candi­date's imitation of useless ac­tions by the present G&B can-warmers_

The lucky winner of this cov­eted award will receive, upon signing non-Communist affidav­its. a full scholarship to the Sam Houston Institute of Technology in El Paso, Texas. In addi­tion, the first-place winner will receive a medallion of Blacker room-mouldings with c rossed ice­plant clusters _

For a period of two months after the award is presented, G&B will take a complete vaca­tion, in order to rest from the festivities of the presentation.

The following candidates have been s uggested for this notori­ous award: Jay MacSkinny, low­est-purity-score-in4:he-16-year-old­class winner, is well qualified be_ cause of his record of never hav­ing succumbed to an immoral woman since coming to C.altech.

'Greasy' To Be Condemned By Health Board

In a sudden move which left Institute officia ls at a _complete loss for words, the Pasadena Health Department announced the condemnation of the Old Dorm Building, including the in· famous Greasy.

Hlp! Mr. Slurp of the Health De·

partment stated, in an exclusive interview for the Tech, that the "premises occupied by these two enterprises a re really too, too terrible!" The ban will take ef­fect immediately, and the loss of adequate eating (?) facilities for summer sna kes will prob·

at the latest semenar in mathe­matics, announced his discovery, after nine months of research, with Dr. Slybert Teiler, of the equation of a woman.

The portion most admired has Lurid Expose the equation of a s imple sine curve y ~ sin x, while the-rna- -A- h' V. terix below is repl'esented in t naeum Ice polar coordina tes, with a modi­fied conchoid curve, Tau Sigma = csc t, corresponding to a pe­riodic function with respect to time_

Postulate 1 in the new mathe­matical relations with women is: Cylindrical Coordinates should be used in place of Polar Co· ordinates whenever possible. Prof. Bohnorbust has developed this theorem thru his faithful aide, Harry O. Lass, who has subjected the hypothesis to In­numeral experimental proofs.

Intuitively Obvious It will be noted that the vari­

OllS major curves involved here are proportional to each other. This is most important and should be obvious by inspection. It is fundamental to the design of the three-axis stretch, which subordinates all other design fac­tors to the whole effect.

Despite Dr. Pickleworth's in­sistence that this equation is the perfect curve, the whole busi­ness has been submi tted for con­s ideration at the next puerpa­teric math semenar for general discussion.

Exerc ises : 1. (a) Find a Woman. (b) Prove Postulate 1. (c) Prove simple halmonic

motion. Find the period of small oscillations about an equi­librium point. (ChOOse any old pt.; don't be s hy.)

(d) Construct a graph with the aid of calipers , and compare it with the mathematical curve_

The Athenaeum annouDced unofficially yesterday that hard (Mohs 7 or more) liquor would be available, starting next term.

This valuable addiiton to the services already rendered by the A thenaeum is due primarily to the ambition of two of the s tu­dent waiters.

To Get These two have decided to

take of the Capitalistic system while it is still in use at Cal­tech. A contract has already been signed between t he waiters and Lower Kirkofr. Kirkoff is to deliver the beverages ordered within a week after the order.

Since Kirkoff iS,a lready set up for the delivery of birdseed. grain alcohol and animals, it was natural that they were chosen for the contract in s pite of the bids of Gates, Crellin and Dab­ney House.

Away From Customers will avoid the cus­

tomary tax on a lcohqjic bev­erages because the contract and resultant financial transactions will be unmentioned on the year's fisca l report:' (i.e., 'twill be bootleg-Ed.)

To order the above luxuries, customers are requested to order two cups of soup and an empty bowl from the waiters in green underwear.

Hairy Apes This is another addition to the

many services of the growing Athenaeum. One of the most re­cent additions is the "Male-Fe­male Friendship Club" for lone­ly Caltech students: (See Madam Harnom for details and appoint­ments.)

Ladies J u mp

ably be hard felt. I_-=..:::=--....::=.::=--~=_, Hlp!

Of course, faculty and stu­dents are making use of the bookie service offered by the head chef. Good odds are given and a fine reputation had been established in the short time he has been operating.

Mr. Sloppyspoon, when ques­tioned about plans for replacing these landmarks, replied, "We will rebuild immediately, using the same materials, of course." The possibility of fire-proofing the new structure was scoffed at by Mr. Sloppyspoon, who mut­tered, "Let the damn thing burn."

Hooaughl (Contniued on Us, Doggone It)

Nl'ul'r 3Jforgtt W4ts

ill'st tnllay for

tomorrom you

may bl' Uull.

From Fire The roule tte wheel is spun on

Wednesday nite only. Ask the head waiter for Ed to get the straight clue.

Escapes All in all, the Athenaeum is

fast becoming one of t he fore­most centers of campus life here

L ___________ 11 at Caltech.

Paleocene, representing a time of some 17,382,689 years ago, or several months before the ad­vent of the earliest prehis toric man, represented by such s peci­mens as may be seen today in the lower recesses of Bridge Laboratory.

Young Man from

The fossil discs are described by Dr. Crock as follows: "The fossi ls under discussion a I' e in a ll cases hyper-ellipsoida l spheres , resembling an 'IT' in outward form. The size is va­riable, ranging from 296 cm. to 17,941 cm. The foss ils are very well preserved, and the peculia r in te rnal structure is evident in a ll cases.

EI Paso

"This internal structure is reg­ular and symmet rica l, multi­chambered, and our friends in the chemistry department re­port that the material is some new element, tentatively named -I. The attitude and s light de­formation of the fossils indicates that they struck the ground with some force, further sup­porting the flying saucer the­ory rather than coprolitistic. After a complete and th,orough investigation of these forms I cannot but conclude that they are indeed fossil remnants of flying saucers."

Who Had His Head Up

Further study of these strange objects is promised by Dr. Crock, who stated, "Drawings produced by our department draftsman, Eli Powderhorn, of these strange objects h a ve brought many interesting and in­formative suggestions from oth­er institutions, and with the help of these new ideas we hope to solve completely the question of these fossil fly ing saucers."

Burma-Shave!

mutila tion of the grounds. Other Marsmen were caught as they became lost in the catacombs and lower Astrophysics_

POinted Eat'S

The visitors are s hort in stat­ure, have a greenish 12 o'clock s hadow which at first appears to the casual observer as a type of Kerckhoff fungus, have long pointed ears, and a decided s lov­enly posture. When asked to g ive her impression of the Mars­men, Miss Pond, the Dean's sec­retary, answered that she was unable to distinguis h them (rom Techmen at first. "It was only when I realized they carried no slide rules that I knew they were not Techmen."

CivU Engineers Despi te frequent denials from

prominent military officials as to the existence of the flying disc used as the Mal'smen's made of transportation, huge crowds are ins pecting the craat as It 're­mains perched on three drawing tables in 301T. Your reporter was amazed at first sight at the similarity between the wrecked ship and the many descriptions given in the past three years by the a ir·minded people of the United States of objects they saw in the s kies. (The U.S. Gov­ernment, of course, denied the validity in a ny of these reports_) We asked three U.S. Army En­(Contniued on Us, Doggone It)

Interview Scl/edul' The Placement office has announced

that the following su mmer jobs wlll be available. .

1. Man to dry-clean. and repair . athletic supporters in cleaning e~tabltshment. Should also 00 qualifie~ plastiCS man and mctallurigst. Located In Lowacres

b M~s.s.

2. Man experienced in bal1O?n- lOWing to do related work in a factory In Youngs­town. Ohio. Apply U. S. Rubber Co ..

3 . Skilled elephant-gelder for vetertnary work in Tanganyika. Must have own teeth. Highest wages for capable man ..

4 . Expert spoory-bender t9 do . light man­ufac turing for private hosp ital In Los An­ge!cs. Apply 256 Main St. ,

5. Two Sates agents for "Aphrosalt: new Mexican tonic seasoning. Large com­missions, toea! markets. See Dizzy. Box 69, Tijuana.

THIS PAGE DEDICATED TO WEE WILLIE WRIGHT

ShfJc/(ing SfJcio/ CfJndififJns of Tech We have recently procured shocking evidence to the licentious

type of orgy that the Resident Associates of the student house~ permit to go on therein under the title of "social functions."

"If Rape The general tone prevailing at these functions is one of most

deplorable depravity, and our reporter has painted to us a hair­rais ing picture of girls from among the best Pasadena families, their minds sel afire by alcohol, oscillating to and fro and cheek to cheek with the assorted blades resiLling in the student houses.

Is Inevitable The couples were thereupon seen to adjourn to cars parked

along San Pasqual Street, where Dabney house pins were rumored to be traded against ki sses, and where the suppressed giggles, screams, and equivocal groans left our reporter to surmise the worst.

Relax au(l It is with deep regret that the "Watchtower" points to these

outrageous excesses amongst the ranks of the inte lligents ia, and, much as we would like to condone the spirit of fun and good fel­lowsh ip which has earlier produced such notables as Abraham Lincoln and Great Garbo, we feel compelled to raise a warning hand in severe censure.

Enjoy It," Confucius The responsibility for the world of tomorrow, s lender though

it may be, definitely rests with the young ones of today, and we cannot but feel that t he excesses a long the lines of alcoholism and sexual promiscuity will not be conductive to making better Americans out of them.

Who Dealt This Mess

By JOHN ROGERS

THREE W AYS TO J<JN )) A DIN NER CONVERSA'rTON

• The Bea k, havi ng n eat I y

wound up hi" column for the year, was under the impression Lhat, now having found the phi· losopher's stone, he was im· mune from disaster. And then the Moving Finger moved. That broth of a boy, the Editor of the Tech, approached us and s ug· gested further too lings.

Fathcr Doubted The Beak's lip curled super­

ciliously. " Tell it to Sweeney," We advised, but, leaning over to

even he appeared in short order, making the scene ~omplete. At this juncture, remembering that the J o11n B. Pierce Foundation bad recently reported that 16% of all women would like to sleep in the nude, the Beak grinned like a Cheshire cat-and, a l­though we would rather omit saying so, a Cheshire cat sitting next to us at the time grinned like the Beak.

But She Lied The picture thereupon began,

Sweeney, who had chanced to and the startled author beheld come along, the Editor told him, J ean HarlOW, unaccountably sit-~/~~ ~i~t:e~'~ ~~~t ~~~:~ering our ting in a dentist's office holding

a copy of the National Geograph· This being Monday, all that ic upside down and pretending

was left to do was to repair to to be absorbed in a Magyar folk­the classicf11 movie series in Cu}- ways, while the thin, blood-cuI'-bel'tson- an unprom ising under- dling surface-noise of the movie taking at best- yet the idea throbbed in the background. proved felicitous. Jean Harlow Suddenly an ear·splitting shriek being fea tured, her earthy ap' arose, receding in a choked gur­peal olwiously struck h ome, and, gle, while a prominent member amidst the F'aculty 's coarsening

l\lothel' Oried

of the Biology Department was guffaws at the viscous innuen- seen to race across the Culbert-aos, the scene rapidly developed. .' into one of sick'ening debauch ~on stage, momentali ly obscur-

. .' ll1g the screen, and apparently s~gge;-3lll1g Babylon at Its most in pursuit of Kerckhotf's tame

ldllSStO~ute (Babylon, Montana, l axolotl , whose escape earlier in HI IS.) the afternoon had set ears agog.

Yet the Beak 'stood a figure BUl'lUa Shavex

The other day, after finishing all my assignments for the next week, and, having received notes from three professors stating that I was getting an A in each of their courses and need not take the final, I decided the time had come for a itOe relaxation. So, shading my eyes from tlle un­accustomed brightness of the lounge-there was a dance that night-I pushed my way into the dining room and sa t down to play a few hands of bridge.

apart, a pillar unmoved by the At this incident, our attention blandishments and mockery -of somewhat flagged, and we were his fellows . Some\vhat aware of unable to ascertain t he cause of the presence behind him of a the general commotion which tan ta lizing blonde, all b I a c k suddenly shook the audience, aI­georgette a nd open·mesh stock- though it was later rumored that ings, we but dimly beheld the a momentary appearance of Dr. presence of celebrities like Del. Shomaker, at the s ide entrance,

L Ask the lady on your righ t bruck, Dean Eaton, Eagleson holding a heavy glass' tray laden if she's married. Should she say and others, who well attested to with sweetmeats, was responsi· "yes," ask her if she has a ny the insufficiency of erudition in ble. At this )JOint, the Beak, as chi ldren. If she says "no" ask , the face of the H al'lowean on. Beaks will, cracked, and mutter-

] was playing west, and with north dealing, the first hand was as follows:

S A, Q, J, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4 H2 D 3 C4

SK:l S-H 9,8,6 H K, Q, J, 4

D H, Q, J C . K, Q, J, 5

S 2

J) 10, 9, 8, 7, 4, 2 C 10,7,6, 3

HAlO, 7, 5, 3 D A, 6, 5 C A, 9, 8, 2

The bidding, attended by in­cresing amazement on my part, went: North 1 S 4 S 5 )) Be 7 S P

East p P P P P P

South West 3 NT P 4 NT P 5 N1' P 6 NT P 7 NT dbl. l"edbl.

At this point north gave up, threw a pinochle deck at his partner, and stalked out of the room. I nterpreted this as a pass and led the king of clubs. South promptly took this with his ace and led the spade two. I played low; dummy played the queen and won the trick. The spade ace was now led from dummy, catching my king. South now laid down the rest of the hand fOl" 1490 points.

My partner dealt the next hand, and I picked up the fol­lowing cards:

S-4, 3, 2; R-A, K, Q, J; D-A, K, Q, J, 10; C-A.

My partner opened t h r e e spades, and south passed. At t his pOint I decided that if our opponents could try it so could we, and I bid six no trump. North doubled, and when the bid was passed around to me, I re­doubled. My partner's hand turned out to contain the follow­ing cards:

S-K, Q, J, 10, 9,8,7,6,5; H-5,4,3,2.

North led the two of clubs which I took with the ace, not· ing that south was void in clubs, and that the contr act would still make if the ace of spades was in south's hand. At this point north pointed out a slight discrepancy.

I had played the spade ace, not the club ace. My glee at making a redoubled small s lam was im­mediately changed to horror when 1 found that I had sorted my hand wrong and was actual­ly void in clubs. Nort.h now laid down his othel' twelve clubs, thereby sett ing th e contract twelve tricks and collecting 9200 points.

I calmly excused myself and went back to my room. Quickly I wrote out a note to th ree pro· fessors:

"Dear Professor: ] prefer to tak e the final; the thought keeps me out of trouble."

her how she does it. slaughts. ing some inconsequential excuse 2. Ask the lady on your left I)aughtm"s Inuoccnt to our companion about having

if she's married. ]f she says "no" Paul Armstrong sporting an to dine with a man in Sandu sky, ask her if she has any ch ildren. equally unsettling and original Ohio, Doctol' Pipgrass emerged

3. Ask the lady across from voluptal'Y, the mOre staid ele. in the corridor, rubbing his you if she has any children. If ment was represented by Beno hands. ]n a scene worthy of she says "yes" ask h er if she's Gutenberg and Sholto Detweiler. having been staged by Lubitsch, married. All that was needed to complete we then bumped into a Chern

- EI Burro the scene would have been the grad student escorting Nell Ley­Huma nities Dr. Bowerman, and den decker, of Barnesville fame;

and had the Editor not super-

Short Dissertotion on the vened to wrench these notes from our lifeless hands, they

Significance of the Fe- would have been lost to postel"' male Mammary Gland in ity . Bring me another pair of

_ Twentieth Century Amer- these amber witches, waiter, and :9 ~ 3= ica as Seen by One Who go easy on the soda. : : F JJ Iii Iii S .... t FA. NOIe-The Beak has been -7-S~-@' ,~- - -t e_eTs

h . iD1

lse

fl a - -U.JJ..J.@.C - readingtoo mnch JameSJoyce.

" ,'0 elr n uence , ..,. ~ Q II!! \, "' ,. ,o,:lO 'Ii tJ, \, J~l TEll POI .. ]\: ITCHY

I I "ll 1\\ Athe1s m, (So are we) Relieve itchiness

Gad! There once was a monkey named

Herman, Who was always a'scl'atcl1in' and

skirmin'. Wilen asked by a rabbit To account for th is habit

He frankly confessed it was vermin.

CALTECH IN A NUTSHELL By TED POLK

Pity the plight of the Techman! vVitness: History and economics, ME 3 and ultrasonics, MA 1 and AM 2, Physics 6 with phi sub nu , Gradient measure of potential, And equations differential, Matrices and forms quadratic, Transformations most erratic, Mathematical extention, .. Flippings t hrough a fourth

dimension, Operations small and large Constantly preserving charge, Measure mass and length a nd

time, Make a pH test on brine, Watch the molecule migrations, Note the color in titrations, Though your answers be most

curious Take derivatives fa st and

furious, Measure, weigh, evaluate, Collect data, calculate, Salic geologic loot, Operators that permute, Revolutions? Time us one! Extract. square r oot of minus

one, To avoid extl'eme disaster Take down data better, faster, Get accuracy to places nine, Watch your limits, check your

sign, Extrapolate with strategem, Integrate, u se Taylor's gem, Pull a physic, take a guess, It couldn't be much worse a

mess, Though experiments are

de lusive Your results must be conclus ive. Slave and labor , gripe and m oan, Sing your blues, and weep and

groan, Swear to heaven, Cal! on Hel!, But keep on grinding.

Communism, caused by things that cause Anti-vivisection league, itche.s. Use our itch remover, In teres t rousing, containing the anti -it ch ingre-'Veil worth browsing dient, Scratcho. Makes you feel But bare breasts my mind unitched. Do you have to scratch

in trigue. at embarrassing times. Does your

Contemplation Of inflation Moves me but to reverie, But brassiere ads And their kin fads Stimulate the man in me.

My psyche ble'sses Low·cut dresses And the olf·the-siloulder A s criteria O'er inferior

blouse

Archaic ways to pick a spouse.

Prejudice· less \Vould you tilen gu ess Speed of light in vacuo, Or, by Hades, \\That the ladies Spend the n ight in , apropos'?

Keep you r vectors, Spher'cal sectors, Shove divel'gence and If you know me

its ~ul'l s,

You will show me Sexy, bold and buxom girls.

girl have to scratch you? Don't scratch when you're itchy, use

I Hch-Go, containing Scratcho.

ITCH·GO, Box 0 1301 E. Calif. St.

Have Yaur GRADUATION-CAP

& GOWN PORTRAITS Taken at

LLOYD Photographer 766 E. Colorado St. Sy. 2-7205

Caltech Pharmacy

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Dependable Reqistered Pharmacist!; Prompt Free Motor Denvery

882 East CalUomla StrMt SYcamore 2·2101

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Place Your Order far a Corsage Early

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JONKER'S FLORISTS Second Building South of California on Lake

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YOUR COLLEGE SHOP DRESS WEA R

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CASUAL CLOTHES

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Open

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Tile HfJt Rivet Published one Thursday each year during exam inations and

holiday periods. CALIFORNIA INSTITUTION FOR 'J'ECHNOCRA'J'S

Pasadena, California Subscription rates indeterminate

Entered as seventh·class matter Jan. 1, 1903, at the Post Office, Lower Cucamonga. Calif., under the Act of March 3, 1492.

Offices: Lower Phlegming Telephone? So can we

Distributed by "Campus Brewins" . J. PhiJIup Space, Editor

EDITORIAL STAFF Managing Editor .......... ............ . ..... Etaoin Shrdlu News Editor....... ..... .............. . .......... Nioate Uldrhs Sports Editor.. ............................... .... .............. . .. ..... Oscar Wilde Asst. Sports Editol".. .. ....................................... biUy drake Feature Editor. .. ........................... ..R. A. MacDowell Chief of Copy.. .............. ................ ..G. R. MakeMenn News Stiff. ............................ .. ............. The Hot Rivet of the

California Tech is published annually Rewrite Stiff.... .. .. ... .if anybody lhinks of it by the Press Club

of the California Institute for Men. However, since the Sports Stiff................. .. .. Press Club is officially defunct

it is obviou s that the annual monstrosity will Pornographers.. . .................................. not be published this year

Business Staff Business Manager ..... ........... ....... A Schmoe Business Stiff........... ........... ...... .... . ............... R . Schist Circulation Manager. . . ........ ... . C. Williams Assistant.... ................. .. ........... ,..... .... ................ .L. St. Cyr

To the benevolent and philanthropic souls who send their advertisements for publication in the profitless columns of THE CALIFORNIA TECH, we wish to present the informat ion that this issue of THE HOT RIVET is published in place of the regular edition. Also we wish to cheer your downcast minds with the statement that this paper will have about twice the circulation which THE CALIFORNIA TECH boasts, so put a smile on your faces -and be ready to receive the add itional Tech customers who even now may be preparing to enter youI' establishment.

Now Cough!

Do You Know Your Campus? \Vhat is the moment of inertia

about Apollo's perpendicular bi­sector'!

According to a group of frosh experimental fizzisi sts, under the experienced guidance of "L. D." Potson, it has been found by spinning the famous statue about its fundamental axis that the correct answer can be found on page 3.14159 of Mil· lie Can, Roll Her; and Want Some! No bones can be picked about this subject.

\Vhen will the Big T come out?

Barnhouse Bungholm, n ext year's co-spoke, remarked in a subtle aside, "How da h--l should I know?? See Jerk!" So non­

Fersch's latest experiment on the EMF developed in the hu· man contact potential reactions , about which h e claims Techtnen know so little.

'Vhat is the student house m enu fOl' tomorl'ow?

Breakfast: Kellogs' Corn Pops. Remember-Moms Loves Pops; Kids Love Pops; Pops Loves Pops!

Lunch: Cheese Fungoo and stuffed elefant prepuces.

Supper: Squash ju\ce, zukini squash, boiled potatoes in squash gravy, uncooked pork with tri­china and squash sauce, bread with squash jam, and squashed cobbler.

ch'l lantly I strolled down to ,============= Gerk's hole in the unpaved part of the Catacombs and axed him the same query. "How da h--} should I know??? It won't be out till Engholm is in charge, anyway. See him!" 'Nuff sed.

\Vhere can the nearest Hearst I'epoctel' be found?

Obviously he is in the fourth sub-basement of Kirckhoff being vivisected in Boy-Biologist Karl

1. ULAN BATOR KHOTO, AIlI'H 27 - There are 43.762% I more grey rats per capita in Outer Mongolia than in Tannu Tu-va.

""1'1" That'll teach yau to teach

me about putting Angastura in your Martini.

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!Jy Bill Whitney

"Lost Chord" Is Found! Mead Clams Up on Organ

Dr. Hunter Mead, Caltech phil­osophy and psychology profes­sor, has been officially credited wi th the d iscovery of another lost chord, stated a bulle tin re­leased la te yesterday evening by the Lost Chard Watchers Soci­ety of the American Guild of Or­ganists.

This brings to a total of five the number of lost Ch OI"ds which Mead has found during the past three years.

Found 0 11 1907 1'.0. His newest find was made on

a 1907 pipe organ which is in­stalled in his home. I t was on this same ot-gan that Mead, in 1947, came across the famous Sullivan chord, believed to have been mis placed in 1895 by Sir Arthur Sullivan.

This brillia nt piece of resea rch brought its discoverer immediate world-wide fame, and his subse­quen t ach ievemen ts have estab­lished h is reputa tion permanent­ly as one of the most prod uctive of los t chord investiga tors.

LOSt In 1713 The new chord. '-has been con­

fiirmed by the Lost C h a r d Wa.tchers Socie ty as the one lost in April, 1713, by Domenici Ve­nutti, a n obscure contemporary of Bach. Venutti was a contra­puntaHst , none of w hose compo­sitions has survived the three hundred years s ince t he com­poser's death. He seems not to have been wid.e ly known e ven during h is own time, except for the fa ct tha t he possessed a s in­gularly errat ic and unpredictable organ technique, w hich resulted in his losing thir teen chords dur­ing his lifetime.

The chord which Dr. Mead has unearthed was, in fact , los t by Venutti through sheer careless­ness during a recita l given s hort­ly before his dea th, when his technical a nd improv isational abilities had reached a new low, and his memory was beginning to fail him.

KeybonJ'd l\lIst.ake The chord was a keyboard mis­

take, Dr. Mead slaled in the pa­per announcing t he l'esults of his investigations to the Lost Chord Wa tchers Society. 1 t consisted of a C major seventh superim­posed upon a D flat thirteenth. The first chord s hould have been a-C minor seventh , according to Mead's calcula tions.

REVERED DOCTORS (Continued from MacMinn)

When I was invi ted to Cal· tech . . . at the age of 45, r ... (Ed. Note: Due to limita tions of space we a loe unable to fin ish Dr. Milk Can's statement.)

D". Fauling, emena ma n wh o does everyt hing, said, "They can s tay at my house; if th e Red Dea n can do it, so can they. We have discovered that there were forty creatures , each of volume 2.65 cu. ft ., in one 103.7 cu. ft. ship; they used cubic closest pac.ldng. "

More comments follow, so don 't stop your all'ect'dy-en thused perusal.

Mary MacCanamec: "1 th ink Techmen are wonderful. "

Dr. DuBridge: "My goodness, what a wonderful exhibit they would make fo r Associa te's Day."

Dr. U ndcl'th e Vinc .. : ;' It 's all a F air Deal plot- Remember, vote the N AM t icket."

Rudolllh .JohanJl J c t-" sa id, "H anyone asks me another ques­tion about The Big T, [ ' II kill t hem. Come along w ith me,

to have sat down .at the organ," he stated, motioning fO t, us to sit down in one of the overstuffed chairs in his offi ce. "I wasn' t feeling well a t this pa rticu lar time, a Htlle discon ten ted, ill at ease, you might say." Here Mead excused himself to answer the phone. After receiving congratu­lat ions from someone on lhe other end of the line and giving instructions to one of h is secre­taries not to be dis turbed again during the course of the inter­view, Mead returned to his story.

"Where was I? Oh yes-l just sat there playing nothing in par­ticular, the way' one will, you know. My fingers were just sort of wandering idly over the keys, when all of a sudden 1 came upon -it. I rea lized at once that I had found something, so I im­mediately began the research which would establish its iden­tity."

No F Q11:,h er DetaUs Mead did not wish to give fur­

ther details as to how he went about tracking down the elusive sequence. These, he said, a re merely the routine procedul'es of scientific inves tigation, and as s uch would not be of inter est to the general public.

Mead has been recommended for membership in the National Academy of Sciences, an Associ­a ted Press Bulle tin revealed this afternoon. Election would make Dr. Mead t he twenty-nin th mem­ber of the Ca l tech facu lty to be so honored.

Germanitis Hits

Fourth Victim Probably However I ndeed Also Fifth

- From 1947 Rivet.

Egad! A cu te little blonde from St. Paul Wore a newspaper dress to a

ball . T he dress caught fire; [t burned her entire-Spor ts section, editorials, and all .

- Goody

Egad! She (coyly)-You bad boy,

don't you try to kiss me aga in! He-I won't. I'm just trying to

find out who has the bourbon at this party.

-Covered Wagon

Tordsen Pitches frosh To 112-21 Win over Redlands Beaver

Behind the no-hit, no~run , no­walk pi tching of Walt "Casey" Tordsen, the li ttle Weavers base­ball e leven outran, outblocked, out hit th'e Redlands five 112-21 in a game under the Tournament Park ligh ts las t night.

S/J()lt~ Bert Pessimistic ' About N.D .. Game

Thet'e once was a man from Dundee,

Who had an affair with a turtle. Both concave and covex, He carried it double, Bu t look a t the money he saves!

It is inlui tively obvious from the above, and the [act that the earth rOtales toward the east, with a cons tant angular velocity K, tha t the ssa possesses a gl"eat­er absolute eas tward veloci ty Vs than the nsa, Vn.

Egad! FOI' TQJIl OI·I"OW

We heard about the t ipsy pre. In the past it has been cus-med the othe r night who called tomary, possibly through tradi­LIP Dt'. W assel'm ann of national tion inheri ted fr.om the ancien,t fame and when the good doctor Throop Indians , to sta rt alll'aces answered t he phone our inebri. at the midpoin t of the nsa and ated friend sa id, " Hello, is this thence for the ('unner to proceed Dr. Wasserma nn?" The voice around the t rack in a counter­answered, "Yes." And our friend clockwise direction. It is intui· said, "Are you posHive?" , tively obvious , therefore, that

-Record the run'ner moves in an east-______ _ wa rd d itection on t he ssa. Un­

der these circumstances the ve-

the ssa. You May

An interesting feature of the detection of Venutt i 13 was re­vealed to a Tech reporter eady this morning, with Mead 's dis­closure that he came across the chord acciden ta lly . .

Egad! 3, PETROPAVLOVSK, USSR, She-Well da rling if I didn 't June I-ft has been announced

wear all these nice clothes, by t he Supreme Stoviet that the would you still think I'm beau ti- Russians have invented the fui? atom. It is reputed to be the

Egad ! locity of the runnel' on the ssa, "Wis h we had a fifth for Vs and the velocity of the ssa

Drs. Schmythe and Brucherie propose to run a ll races track­men around the t rack in a clock_ wise direction, under which cir­cums tances the velocity of the runner and the velocity of the earth will augment each other and subs tantially reduce the time required for the runner to negotiate the ssa. An opposite effect wi ll exis t on nsa t bu t as Vs is greater t han Vn, the time lost on the nsa is less than the time gained on the ssa_ It 1s belie ved by these two au thori· ties that the lime thereby saved in a mile race wUI enable "Me­ter" Pason, Cal tech's crack miler, to be the firs t man in recorded history to crack the four·minute barrier.

bridge." (due to the ro tation of the earth "You don't need a

bridge, you dope!"

Overstuffed Chah'S He-Let's decide that question main constituent of the Iron right now. .. Curtain, which is actually of

fifth for as described a bove) Vs are in the sa Ole direction , i.e_, east­wardly. As the runner proceeds a long the ssa, the straight-away effectively is constantly moving

I< Well make it a pint tlten." -Wampus "One day last week r happened

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4. NORTH POLE, rl?, May 5-6-A temperatu.re of 210 de. grees'" was reported at the weath. er station here today_ This is the warmes t weather ever re­ported north of 89.99 degrees latitude, s ince t he station was established yes terday.' (AbBO­lute-Iy) .

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Tech Brown-Shirts Subdue' Treacherous McTheory Gang

CALTECH-SCRIPPS UNION (Cont inued f rom MacMinn )

decreasing sto re of humanity.

Dey Just Behave It was accepted as a funda­

mental tenet that hllma n~ should continue to propagate, the meth· ods hitherto engaged in , having been abandoned for lack of fas­ciilatiOl1 .

most in teresting results : sanity of the inseminator is most diffi-cult to maintain.

A case might we ll be recorded : One youth fu l la b technician was suddenly overcome by the in­anity of t he whole business, and, like Bar tholomew Sholto in "The Sign of the Eig ht," experienced an urge most incompatible with the spiri t. of the entire experi­ment.

Hunter Weed Manifests Ignorance In Exclusive "Behind-Bush" Confab

€>

Los Angeles- Ma y 22, 1950. Police today in a surprise raid captured the notorious McTheory ga ng, which has been te rrorizing Los Angeles and California in general for the last ten years , The swift climax to the thrilling search came early today when "Fearless Fosler Long" , motorcycle patrolman No. 6969 y., altempled in vain to overhaul a speedy Cadillac, Rec· ognized In the car were the forces of the Milkan Brothers, C. B, and R. A.

Long '" ay to H __ _ *----------------------Not wan ting to shoot and spoil

th e leopa rd-ski n upholste ry, Fea rless Foster rad ioed ahead for a road block a nd then fol­lowed a t a safe dis tance until C. B. noticed that t hey w ere be· ing tra iled. He the n appar ent­ly reached in to the back seat and hau led out an e lepha nt gun w ith which he prom ptly dis pa tched Patrolman Long to a bet ter world. R. A., who was drivi ng, then cu t in the supercha r ged electron drive in a vain a ttempt to run th rough the road block. F ortunately he got there too la te.

Shattered Ends

Pol ice had swung a truck across the road , a nd unable to s top, the 1\1 il k a n brother s crashed into it at an approxi­mate s peed of 184.328 miles pe r hour. (Late r examina tion of the cal' disclosed the tremendous s peed due to eig j'l t ca rbure tors, each feed ing Seru tan in to the motOI". It r an backwards.)

T he Milkan brothers had wIth t hem a complete record of mem­bers of the gang, f rom which the res t of the men were immedia te­ly rou nded up.

Sexy Sa vagcs

t he s tolen and hot car business and furnishing them with s pecial automobiles as the occas ion de­manded .

l\lach i ue-G llll S hootz Doc Pa ins was t he gang 's M.D.,

and used the ve terinarian's job as a cover-up, and performed or farmed out illegal operations for the vice end, wh ich was ably handled by "Chesly" Smock, late of Harold's Club, Harold, and the Burbank,

And then McT heol'Y decided he knew more than Bantam a nd it was time to cu t ou t and form his own organization. H e took with him from the old ga ng, s uch legendary figu res in the world of crime as Mallett Smith ancl Ma­chine Gun Shootz, ace t r igger· moan, Ber t La Goochery, psycho· pathic confidence man , a nd Hen· ry Hudson, scout for the outfit.

H Bombs Next. McTheory anticipated t rouble,

and it soon came, The gang, mean while, had moved out to a small ranch in the orange groves of San Dimas . One night, as La Goochery was ou t picking up fruit a long the hig hway. he was mach ine gunned to death from a s peeding ca l'. McTheory r etali·

The fabulous McTheory gang ated by hiring a Pi per Cub and had its beginn ing back in 1941 d ropping home.made bombs on when Hen ry McT heory began his Placke I' H ouse, and the war was monumenta l anthology of sex to on . replace Malanowski's "Sexual I-Ie insta lled fl ood lights in the L ife of Savages." After three orange groves, and ma inta ined a weeks of gathel'ing da ta in L .A., cons tan t watch , while Bantam he ran ou t of I1'lOney and wen t did likewise. to see J . Remington J ones , no- H onest m otorists were fi red torious ly wealthy playboy, in a n u pon , t h E'Y e it her took to carry­attempt to fin ance hi s book of m g lhe ll own guns Ot s taY lllg knowledge. off t he r oad . On Ju ly 3rd , 1043,

J . Remington J ones was inter- McTheory loaded s ix cars fu ll of es ted in MCTheory 's research in hi s men and set ou t. to k ill Ban­matters up to the pl'~sen t time, tam in his own hideou t. The bu t othe r t han buy mg ~. few ga ng rode a round the outs ide of phone l1.umbers, ::ore.fused a id t? I Placke r House, machine.gu nning ~cTheOlY . McThe~l Y left , sweal- , it un ti l t hey had k illed a lmost Illg re~en ge, .and III an a ttempt , eve ryone inside, and then com­to contlll ue hiS re~ea J'c h , a~d eat )}e ted the deset ruction with e:x. aso, was forced m to a lIfe of I I . cr ime that he has become no- p OSlves. tO l'ious fo r. Animals HHad It"

How Naugh t.y!

McTheol'Y moved in to a din­gy hote l in the Sou th Pasadena a rea, notorious for its corrupt polities , its segrega ted women of le isure, its gam ble rs, and its gun­men. In PlackeI' House, the ho· tel, McT heory became f r iends with George Ban tam , proprietor of the es tablishmen t.

Ban tam, w ho ran illegal cock­fi gh ts 011 weekends , operated the hot.el as a fron t to concea l his nefarious opel'ations. it has been said that there was never a rougher, tougller, more corrupt or lewder grou p of men or wom­en that has ever l ived in PlackeI' House,

Vicc-PI'ex_y Bantam h ired McTheory as col·

lec tion ma n fo r the vice end of hte outfit . In h is work McTheo· ry gradually became acquain ted wi th Ba ntam and the s ize of his ope rations, Big Fred P inba ll ran the gambling concession and had payoffs a lTanged in seven West· e rn states. Bilious Hertenstein , reti red g rass seed king, had three thousand acres of ma rijuana un­der cultiva tion ou t in the dese rt.

Anus Hauling, operated a tank tr ucking ou tfit as front for ille­gal dis ti lling pla nt used to un­de rcut competition in Black Mar· ket likker . Dangerous Don La rk operated Cadillac agencies a ll ove r Californ ia, giving the gang

Bantam, however, that day had gone out to the frui t fa rn) com· plete w ith artille ry to k ill Mc·

"GREASY" CONDEMNED (Continued from MacMinn) Several rumors, vehemently

denied by the I nstitute admin­is tration, h in t that the real rea­son for cl osing the old place was th e di scovery of a house of joy on lhe u ppe r fl oor of the Old Dorm, with the real pressure for closing com ing from the Pasa­dena Vice Squad, with the Health Departmen t ruling as a cover-u p to pr ese rve the repu-tat ion of the School. A high ad. mi nist ration official was queried as to the tru th of these rumors, and emphat ically denied any possible v ir tue to t he charges. As the r eporter left the office, t he administr ato r was heard call-ing Mamie at the Old Dorm to cance l some sor t of rese rvation.

T he in vest iga tions have begun wi th the Pa ragon of Virtue to the East, now k n ow n as Schmipps. A labor atory has been established, known as the Live· Lab, and a ll information pertain­ing thereto has been designated as secret. An outline of this program is recommended by the chair.

Like Cl'azy J~ools

Several millions have been set as ide by Congress to forward this effort. Doctors M. C. Beekless and Atlas Sansdi ck were selected to head the s ta ff of competent tHen who a re even now still be­inOg drafted! AU those interes ted in obta ining posi tions s hould

You'll Nc \'e l' Pm"gc Unfortunately, no one was on

hand to protect the s ubject and an unfor turlate occurence took place. Dr. Sansdick, chancing unexpected ly upon the scene, beheld a picture tha t combined the mOre succulen t aspects of the Quatz' Art Ball and a Ger· man officers ' r evel in occupied Belgium- two types of wassa il long held in abhorrence by Dr. Sansdick . Late I' on an au toma tic gassing system was installed to preven t a recurrence of such un­scientific business.

noti fy the placement otnce, CIT. You CaDIt Subdue A simila r project took place Sooth-sayers of t he Biology de·

severa l years ago under the aus- pa rtment have evol ved a sys tem pices of 1. Gotte r Hovitt, Ph.D. of units which , albeit epoch-

Theory, so that the tota l score : The resul ts were unfor tuna tely making, will unquestionably for the afternoon was 4 cats, 3 1 b unfor tunate, as the female su . prove most useful , All refe r-s hee l>, and one field mouse. . t f d h d 'b'l't f Jec s oun t e eSlra J 1 Y 0 ence to the previously assimi-

However , lhey met on the d ' A h f h lrec t contact. not er 0 t e la ted act has been obviated and, high way comi ng back , and a . t' b t ' th t m teres m g 0 se rva Ions was a in its place, a more dispass ionate pi tched ba ttle e nsued. The only it r equired two Schmippsites to system has evolved. The strength witness to th is gangland orgy d d' h d I pro UCe one un ernourlS e , sa - of solution, for example, will be was Hunte" Weed, who hap- low·complected product. With measured in goni-one gonus pened to be necking behind a tall I such inadequate yields , the nee· . per Henry will be known as one pa lm tree wh en he noticed the ess ity for a rtificia l techniques I gonus per Henry- this is to pre. s hooting. became obvious even to the vent ambigui ty. One of the more

" I don't know what the hell h I most beef-witted researc er. t ambitious sCientis ts , Dr. Monroe wen t on ," sa id Hunter Weed in . f h b ' h h IS urt er 0 VIOUS t at l e new Fl-uehaf, ably assis ted by Lena an exclusive inte rview. . be approach of necessity had to Ganner, proposed a theory of a

The fi ght continued for three d" d I a IspasslOna te one, an t le gonocentric unive rse. This can hour s, and was fin a lly won by I ne w CIT pla n can achieve this. best be described by a disfini te McTheory , w hen Bantam's sup-ply of Benzedrine and Bourbof! But de Rabbit Clan toroid, through the interstices

It is manifes tly apparent tha t of which a small boy is attempt­ran ou t. the research staff was the weak ing to lead a camel. A disem-1"rom t hi s time on, McTheory

(Con tinued on p.age 5) link in the chain, as the bodied gonus reposes at the tOl'­Schmippsites leave nothing to oids center, and the small boy

6. PASADRNA. CAl~IF., J une be desired in a dispassionate a p· consequently fail s in getting the 2-The Class of 1950 of the Cali· proach to the problem. Prelim- camel through, a procedure forn ia lnst itute of Technology ina ry test-runs have uncovered which symbolizes man's eterna l held its firs t Alumni convention today a t t he Lincoln Heights Citadel, following their mass a r­rest which was occasioned by the ir post·com mencement activi­t ies.

Egad! A mother was recen.t ly dis­

t Ul'b ed over t h e two-day ;'I h~ence

of he r daugh tet , but every thmg l was a ll r igh t w hen' the girl re­turned with a Gideon Bible un­de r he r a rm.

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MARS-MONSTERS (Continued from MacMinn)

gineers who a re dOing graduate Cjvil E nginee ring work in Throop to g ive us their opinion of the space sh ip, but their re­ply was merely "No comment."

Other PI'cgna nt P,acts To actually describe the disc

would requi re many words. Let it sutlice to say that the disc is approximate ly 13.579 feet in d i­ameter , has a maximum depth of 5.08 feet, is capable of a trans­lational velocity of 9,849 miles pe r hour (an unheard-Of s peed on this planet- as well as this campu s ), and a rota tiona l speed of 2803 radians pel' second. The la tte r two figu res a re based on rapid calculations taking into considerati on h umidity , temper­a ture, dew point and other "pregnan t" da ta.

U cds! Not a ll government offi cials

seem to be taking the incident ' lightly . Sena tor McCar thy (R, Wis.) is fly ing to Pasadena at t he momen t fol' a full , scathing investiga tion. Sen . McCarthy was quo ted as say ing "These damn Heds have gone too far" prior to his depa r ture f!"Om W as hJngton. P res ident Tru· man's com ment: "The world is more se ttled now tha n in 1946."

'l 'omol'l'Ow \Vhat-t Dean W. C. J ohns wishes it

em phas ized tha t classes will be held as us ua l tomorrow, except in 301 T . 1"reshman section J-l, which normally meets in that room tomorrow , will meet in 117 Bridge,

Full deta iled reports complete wi th p ictures can be fou nd else­where in t his issue.

fru stration. T hat Habbit Urge

The biophysics of the process has been almos t exclusively de· ve loped by CI T 's Dr, Ber t Teller, whose well-k nown resea rches in the field, though confined to the world of sea-urchins, have provo ed inval uable.

It s hou ld fin a lly be mentioned tha t t he laboratory 's trademark, obvious ly a matter of d eep im· por t , present.ed somewh at of a problem a t first. Dr. Sansdick a t fi rst toyed wi t h the idea of comibing the emblems of J . Ar­thur Rank and M-G-M, to show a slave st l'ik ing a lion , bu t this was rejected as SOcia listic, and the s ta ff devised one that por­t rayed a th ree-toed slot h pen­dan t from a n icepla nt , over the motto "Multum in Pat·vo."

1 n one word, everything has been painsta kingly worked out down to the last gon us, and , as Ela ine Monesmi th rathe r felici· tously remark ed at the last board meeti ng, childbirth w ill be bet­te r than ever."

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Quick y. P. B., Scripps. EDITOR for next yea r's Rivet. Need fear­

less, courageous ma n who wil l print anv­th ing . App ly R. J . Kurland, Alcatraz. See you next year.

ARGEGI. Come , all is fo rgive n. Please come Qu ick ly. S. F., Scripps. •

WANTED, Power Shovel for all kinds of genera d i rt ~hau r i n g. Capaci ty three yard -hours. App ly Henry McReary 8 Da bney. '

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WAN TE.D by Albert Tyler, Ph.D. Man,..~ sponslb.le fo ~ ' :One Man's Family," else­where In thiS Issue, fo r confident ial ex~ pcriments in Jerc kho ff .

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