THE COLLEGE ESSAY

Showing Excellence

The Basics

The essay tells a story about the applicant

The essay never tells the reader directly Instead, you show through concrete

experiences

Setting it up

Capture interest within the first two sentences

Use detail and concrete experiences Be concise Pay attention to transition and sentence

variety Use active voice verbs Don’t thesaurusize your essay Conclude effectively Give your draft to others Revise, revise, revise

Capturing Interest

Sample 1: I volunteer as a Big Brother to a little boy. He lost his parents in a car accident a few months ago. From this experience, I hoped to help him cope with his loss and open up his personality by spending time with him after school on certain days.

Sample 2: While the other children played outside, eleven-year old Danny’s sad eyes focused on the white wall in front of him. He sat alone in silence – a silence that had imprisoned him since his mother and father died in a tragic accident.

Capturing Interest (cont.)

Which passage works better? Why? Tips to follow:

Begin in the middle of the story Hook the reader – a slight twist is not bad Use lots of detail

General topics to avoid due to overuse: Death Divorce Mission Trips Teachers / Coaches

Use Detail and Concrete Experiences Sample 1: I developed a new

compassion for the disabled. (tell) Sample 2: The next time that Mrs.

Cooper asked me to help her across the street, I smiled and immediately took her arm. (experience)

Which passage works better? Why? Again, show the reader who you are

through examples

Be Concise

Sample 1: After Mike left, his loss hit me like a ton of bricks, out of which, when I was finally able to crawl, I had to come to terms with the difficult fact that best friends may come along only once in a lifetime, and it was unlikely I would find such a close friendship again since lightning doesn’t strike twice.

Sample 2: When Mike left, I lost the best friend I ever had, and I lost him forever.

Be Concise (cont.)

Which passage works better? Why? Point out any clichés within either

passage. Don’t be wordy. When you start to string

together a lot of little words (such as prepositional phrases), the writing becomes weaker.

Transitions and Sentence Variety Sample 1: I started playing piano when I

was eight years old. I worked hard to learn difficult pieces. I began to love music.

Sample 2: I started playing the piano at the age of eight. As I learned to play more difficult pieces, my appreciation for music deepened.

Which passage works better? Why? Point out any flaws in either passage.

Using Active Voice

Sample 1: The lessons that prepared me for college were taught to me by my mom.

Sample 2: My mother taught me lessons that will prepare me for college.

Using Active Voice (cont.)

Avoid the passive voice Test for passive voice

“Be” verb + past tense action verb Rearrange the sentence to omit the “be”

verb This will make your writing more concise

and show more action

Don’t Thesaurusize

Sample 1: As a neophyte in music, I attended myriad lessons.

Sample 2: As a young musician, I took many lessons.

Which passage works better? Why? Use your natural language

A few last thoughts…

Conclude effectively Avoid ending with “In conclusion…” If you can, tie your essay up with the beginning

story Give your draft to others

Ask students, parents, teachers to examine your writing

Ask for input! Revise, revise, revise

The writing should be flawless Every sentence should be meticulously placed

Nothing is ever there by chance!